


every version of me dead and buried in the yard outside

by Balthamos



Series: lord it'd be great to find a place we could escape sometime [1]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: All the social issues that come with isolating yourself, Angst, Autistic Matteo, Childhood Trauma, Established Relationship, Football, Growing Up, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of past transphobia, Terrible Parents, Therapy, University, discussion of surgery/recovery, discussions of depression, film school, hospital appointments, in matteo's dad's past, mentions of child abuse, mentions of past bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 224,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22189885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: David has been at film school for a full term. Three whole months and he hasn't made a single friend. Not because he's too busy. Not because he's antisocial. Not because he's too cool for all that. He wants nothing more than to connect with the other students. But he's afraid. He doesn't know how to do this. How to trust people.
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Series: lord it'd be great to find a place we could escape sometime [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1708066
Comments: 100
Kudos: 246





	1. i don't think you understand me or what i fear

**ok.cool**

_Jonas (Saturday, 9.17): yo boys what's everyone up to today?_

_Carlos (9.36): I'm taking kiki to lunch_

_Abdi (9.37): I have to study, I didn’t do any of my coursework over break_

_Carlos (9.38): haha sucks for you_

_Abdi (9.39): fuck off_

_Matteo (13.40): I'm shopping with David_

_Jonas (13.42): shopping?_

_Matteo (13.43): for stationery_

_Jonas (13.44): like art stuff?_

_Matteo (13.44): stationery_

_Matteo (13.45): pens and stuff_

_Jonas (13.50): ok well have fun with whatever that is, but we should all have beers later. me and some guys from volunteering are going out tonight, you should join us_

_Abdi (14.04): I'm in_

_Carlos (14.05): thought you had to study_

_Abdi (14.06): I'll take a break_

_Matteo (14.12): I'll let you know if I’m free_

_Jonas (14.13): if you can get away from all the pens of course_

_Matteo (14.13):_ 🖕

* * *

“I don't even see why I need stationery Matteo, it's film school, not Kindergarten, what am I supposed to buy here? Crayons?” David demanded. 

Matteo just flipped him off and wandered further into the store. It was a little stationery shop, right by Matteo's mother's house. Well, the sign on the front said stationery, but inside it felt more like a junk shop. The shelves cluttered with everything from notepads and pens to ornaments and garden gnomes. 

There was a thin layer of dust coating everything. Clearly they did not get a lot of customers. But despite the overflowing shelves and general air of abandonment, it was bright and relatively tidy. Nicer and more inviting than the chain stores. 

They were there because Matteo had insisted that he go back to school shopping. Even though he’d been at school for a whole semester now. He was on Christmas break, due to go back on Monday. But David had gone along with it, despite the fact that he only really took notes on his laptop, and this was hardly the sort of place he would buy art supplies. 

Because Matteo was restless and David was worried. Watching Matteo pace the flat like some sort of caged animal made him nervous, so he took it as the excuse it was. A reason to get out of the flat. And it wasn’t the worst place they could be spending their Saturday.

They’d been there ten minutes already, and Matteo already seemed more relaxed, less on edge. He was wandering around, mucking things up, and David was following him about and tidying up after him. 

Every now and then he glanced over at the girl at the counter with the bubblegum pink hair. But she was studiously ignoring them, eyes glued to her phone, clearly bored. She obviously wanted to be there even less than David. She was sat on the stool, feet propped up on the counter, head leant against the shelves behind her. Saturday afternoons were obviously a quiet time. 

Although he couldn't imagine it ever getting busy. 

“Fuck off this is fun,” Matteo said, pulling out a box of colouring pencils and inspecting them before putting them back in the wrong place. 

David returned them to their original position, frowning at him.

“Matteo, I don’t need any of this stuff,” he complained.

“I know, but I like it. I miss doing this,” Matteo said. “We should have done it when you started,” he added.

“Did you used to do it a lot?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged and flicked through a notebook. David stepped in front of him until he looked up. He just shrugged again but there was a distant look on his eyes. 

David sighed, reaching his hand out and circling his wrist. Squeezing it, rubbing his thumb up and down the back of his hand. 

“Yeah,” he said finally, “every year with mama, till I was maybe thirteen, then you know… I had to buy my own stuff then...”

David did know. But only a little, not much at all. Matteo was very reluctant to talk about his childhood, and David didn’t want to push him. He knew it had to be handled delicately. 

Actually, that wasn’t quite true, he’d talked about his father before, about how he’d left them, how he was never there in the first place. How all he was good for was a deposit in his bank account every month. But he never talked about what it was actually like at home. Never talked about taking care of his mother, about what he had to deal with from an age far too young to be handling that kind of responsibility.

David was unsure how bad it really was for Matteo, but from what he’d observed, from the way Matteo was, he was pretty sure there was some trauma there. 

Still, all he could do was be there for him, while Matteo worked through things. There was no rush, this needed to be done at Matteo's pace. David knew how it felt to be forced to talk about things long before he was ready. 

He nodded and took the book from Matteo’s hands. He put it back on the shelf, in the correct place and pulled Matteo into a hug. Just because they couldn't talk about it yet, didn't mean he couldn't comfort him, be there for him. 

Matteo grumbled something against his chest but didn’t pull away.

“You know I never did this with my parents?” David admitted after a few minutes.

Never once had his mother asked him what he wanted or needed for school. Always bought what she thought appropriate for them. And it was always, always pink. Even when he was a teenager. Laura always went with him to return it all, swapping pink fairies for superheroes. Not that there was anything wrong with flower fairies or ponies, but she'd got it so he could be her perfect little girl and that was not him. He also wasn't a baby either, what fourteen year old wanted a princess pony pencil case? Plus superheroes were his thing. They had masks and secret identities. 

“Hm?”

Matteo pulled him out of his thoughts. 

“My mum just bought whatever stationery she liked and gave it to us, she didn’t really take us shopping. She er… she didn’t really spend much time with us, to be honest,” David said.

Understatement of the century that was. The only person who spent less time with them as kids was his dad. Thank god they'd had Mel, his godmother. Now she was great. Always fun, but strong too, there for him when he needed her the most.

Matteo pulled back, worrying his lip between his teeth. He stopped when David rubbed his thumb over it, stopping him before he made it bleed. 

He wanted to ask something but he was unsure. David just waited.

“You never talk about her,” he said, turning away from him and back to the notebooks.

He began to run his fingers over the spines.

“Or your dad," he added. 

“You never ask,” David countered.

He’d been surprised actually because while he didn’t like talking about his past, he was willing to share what he could with Matteo, he’d been ready to answer whatever questions Matteo had. Because he knew there would be questions, and he didn’t want to be mysterious aloof David anymore. He wanted to share his story with Matteo, so he’d been ready. Ready for uncomfortable conversations and Matteo trying carefully to drag whatever information he could get out of David.

But Matteo had never asked, and David wasn’t yet in a place where he could bring it up himself. Not without prompting.

“That’s true, I just… I thought you wouldn’t want to, I don’t want to push,” Matteo said, still fidgeting.

David took hold of his arms, stilling him, and turned him so they were facing each other again. He rubbed his hands up and down Matteo’s arms. 

“You can ask, but… I might not answer everything, but you can ask, don’t ever feel like you can’t ask,” David said.

It made sense, Matteo was always so afraid of saying the wrong thing, using the wrong words when he asked or said anything, scared of getting a bad reaction. It’s why he hardly ever spoke. Except to him. And David knew him, knew he never meant to say anything mean or cruel or offensive, and if he did David was ready to explain to him why he couldn’t say it in a certain way, suggest a better way of phrasing it. 

Because he always understood what Matteo was saying, no matter what words he used. It was in his body language, in his gestures. He could say something that could come across completely rude, but if you looked at his face, the tilt of his smile, the softness and nerves in his eyes as he said it, the fiddling of his hands, you could see it was curiosity, not rudeness.

Like three months ago when they'd been curled up on the sofa, Zelda abandoned on the tv as Matteo came closer and closer to falling asleep. Then Matteo had randomly asked if his birthname had been Davina, which stumped David for a second, left him unsure of how to react. Anyone else asking would have been rude at best or cruel at worst. But he only halted for a second.

Because when he looked down at Matteo, his eyes were closed, a soft blush across his cheeks, and that gentle worried smile. There was no ill intent behind the words, and that wasn't even the question Matteo was asking. He didn’t care to know David’s birthname. He was just remembering the meme David had read to him about cis writers choosing names for their characters by adding an a to the end of a boy’s name. 

No what he was asking was how David had come up with David, and when he mumbled that Matteo was like Matthew from the bible he realised what he really wanted to know was if he'd chosen David from the bible. It wasn't even about his name at all really, he just wanted to know if it was something they had in common.

He hadn't chosen it from the bible, him and Laura had spent hours holed up in his room at home trying on different names, but this one was his. It was strong, it was old and David loved it. He told Matteo all this and assured him he hadn't asked a bad question but just to be careful with others who didn't get him like David did because mentioning birthnames was often upsetting. 

But Matteo could ask him anything and David was sure he would never get mad. Because he got it. There were the words Matteo used, the question he was asking, and the question he wanted to be answered. And David just got it. And loved that it was him that did, that got to understand the language of Matteo so thoroughly and deeply, and he wanted to spend forever learning him. 

“You won’t get mad?” Matteo mumbled against his shoulder.

David frowned and pressed a kiss to his temple.

“Never. And I'll tell you everything one day anyway,” he promised.

And he would, he wanted Matteo to know everything, it was just hard to get the words out sometimes. But Matteo was patient, he would wait.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

David suddenly felt guilty for not sharing this stuff, felt guilty that Matteo had been afraid to ask questions. He'd always tried to make it clear he could, but it obviously hadn't gotten through. 

“Like I know you’ve told me stuff about your dad and I want to tell you it's just-”

“I get it, ok? I trust you and- A ha!”

Matteo pulled away and started shifting boxes. He pulled out a pen. A boxing pen. Matteo shoved it in his face making it punch his cheeks. David pushed him away laughing.

“For luck, for next term. Mama bought me one when I started middle school,” Matteo said.

“Thank you,” David said.

He just stood there, staring at Matteo, a little lost for words. Until Matteo started prodding him again. So David did the only thing he could ever do when Matteo was being annoying. He grabbed his wrist and pulled him against him, wrapping an arm around his waist. He kissed him and Matteo stumbled back slightly, bumping against the shelves behind him. But they were sturdy, so David stepped forward, chasing his lips. He didn’t care where they were, there was no one here in the store anyway. No one wanted cheap school supplies today.

“Jesus fucking christ,” the shopgirl muttered.

Matteo pulled away then, flushing deep red and running a hand through his hair. David glanced over at her as he smoothed down his clothes. She put her head on the desk.

“I’m so fucking lonely,” she screamed, muffled by her arms.

Matteo grinned at him, then approached the counter slowly, a little tentative.

“Er… sorry,” he said.

“Don’t be,” she said, taking the pen and ringing it up.

“Thanks,” Matteo said, paying then handing the pen to David.

David pocketed it.

“Have a great day,” she said, not sounding at all like she meant it. 

“Thanks, we will,” David assured her, grabbing Matteo and pulling him out of the door before he could say anything. 

“Did you read your messages? Jonas wants us to go out for beers with his volunteering friends tonight,” Matteo told him as they walked.

“I saw.”

“You never reply," Matteo said, shoving him. 

David just shoved him back. 

“You usually get there first, always glued to your phone,” David argued. 

He glanced over at him, Matteo looked like he would rather do anything else tonight.

“You don’t want to?” he asked, taking his hand and threading their fingers together.

Matteo swung their arms as they walked.

“Not really,” he mumbled.

“It’s Saturday night,” David said.

“So?” 

He shrugged, but David could see him biting his lip, and he was staring down at his feet.

“We’re young, shouldn’t we socialise?” David suggested, but he didn’t really care.

He was happy to stay in, just chill with Matteo. Every now and then they would go out with the boy squad, or he would go to a party with Leonie or Sara. He didn’t really need much else.

“I already have friends,” Matteo argued.

“Abdi will be there too. You’re so antisocial,” David teased.

Although he knew he wasn’t any better than Matteo. He didn’t make new friends easily. He didn’t make new friends at all really.

“And?”

“So wanna stay in and watch a movie?”

Matteo shrugged.

“You can go if you want to I don’t care, I'd just rather not,” he said.

“And I’d rather be where you are so I guess that settles it,” David said.

“Ok I'll tell Jonas you won’t let me come out,” Matteo joked.

“You will not,” David hissed, reaching for Matteo’s phone.

Somehow Matteo was too quick for him, wriggling away and holding the phone out of reach while it sent.

“Too late,” he said.

David sighed as he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

“You’re an idiot by the way,” he said, but he couldn’t make it sound anything but fond.

* * *

“You know you said yesterday you didn’t want me to be afraid of asking questions?” Matteo asked.

David turned to look at him. They were hanging out in Matteo’s room at the WG. David was at the desk on his laptop, Matteo had dragged his television over to the desk and set it up so that David could use it as a bigger screen when he was editing, which David appreciated so much. Right now he was editing a short script though, it was almost finished, his coursework for the winter holidays. He could’ve been on the bed, but Matteo was too distracting. Hence why he was at the desk.

“I want you to feel comfortable asking me anything,” David said.

“Even if it’s not about your past or your family or any of that stuff you said yesterday?”

David had no idea where he was going with this, Matteo didn’t seem too nervous just curious. He was looking right at him as opposed to staring at the ceiling. Only glancing away occasionally. Minimal fidgeting with the sleeves of his sweater. So maybe it wasn’t going to be an uncomfortable question.

“I just… yesterday you teased me for not wanting to make new friends,” Matteo reminded him.

David immediately worried that he’d hit a sore spot, by calling Matteo antisocial. Even though it was pretty true. But they were both antisocial, David not by choice but it was why they fit.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said.

Matteo shook his head. He sat up and shuffled to the edge of the bed. David rolled his chair closer until their knees were touching.

“No I’m not upset, I’m not good with people and I know it. My level of sociability fits _me_. But it got me thinking,” he said. 

“And?”

Matteo took a deep breath and David braced himself, he had an idea of what was coming.

“Have you made any friends? At your new school?” Matteo asked. 

“What?”

“You talk about classes, and your projects, and the professors, and all the films you’re going to make. But you never talk about other students, you never go out with people from school,” Matteo said. 

David spun the chair so he was facing away again. Because Matteo was right. He’d hit the nail on the head. He hadn’t made any friends at his new school, not because he didn’t want to. Not because he was antisocial. Not because getting to know new people exhausted him like it did Matteo. It was because he was afraid.

And David hadn’t told Matteo that he hadn’t spoken to anyone in his classes yet. He’d been nervous on his first day and hadn’t spoken to a single person. He didn’t really know why. He’d started new schools before. But this felt different. This was important. It mattered. He had never bothered making friends at his previous schools, he’d had friends sure but they hadn’t been close, he’d never really tried, always ready to run. So he had tried to stop himself from becoming attached. 

Obviously last time that had backfired and he’d come away with a huge group of friends at the end of high school. But that was different, apart from Leonie and Sara they’d all come with Matteo.

Film school was different because he wasn’t going to run this time, he wanted to be settled. He wanted to make friends here but he didn’t even know where to start. So he’d ended up standing off awkwardly to the side. While everyone else milled around in groups, chatting.

“Was it a bad question?” Matteo asked quietly.

David turned back around. Matteo was watching him warily, pulling his sleeves over his hands. And David sighed and tried to stay calm, he knew he was getting upset. But he tried not to let it show, because he wasn’t upset at Matteo, just at what he was saying. 

“No,” he whispered.

Matteo moved even closer, placing his hands on David's knees. 

“No?” he asked. 

“It was… I haven’t,” he admitted.

Matteo nodded. He already knew of course. He'd been with David every single damn day. Did he really think he could hide something like that from him? 

“But you want to?”

“I’m afraid,” David said quietly, hating the way his voice cracked. 

Matteo reached out and grabbed his wrist, pulling David onto the bed with him. David him and ended up laying half on top of Matteo, his head on his chest. He tried to relax, tried to focus on Matteo's heartbeat, steady underneath his ear. He closed his eyes, shut out everything but the feeling of Matteo under him.

“What are you afraid of?” Matteo asked.

“You know,” David muttered.

“No I don’t,” Matteo argued.

Yes, he did.

Matteo tangled his fingers in David’s hair and tilted his head up to face him. David kept his eyes closed so he didn’t have to look at him. Matteo just waited. David knew he would keep waiting. He sighed but didn’t open his eyes, just stayed there listening to Matteo’s heartbeat. It was quiet in the bedroom. The window was open and it was late afternoon. He could hear occasional traffic outside. He could hear Hans in the kitchen, singing to music. But in here it was quiet. In here it was safe.

With Matteo it was safe, he was free to say anything in here.

“I… at my old school I was bullied I told you,” David said. 

“People called you names? Said mean shit?" Matteo asked. 

And yeah that was barely scratching the surface of what he’d been through. But Matteo didn’t know. Because since the pool David had never mentioned his first school again. Never told Matteo just how bad it had been. Because like his parents it was something he couldn't talk about. 

“People treated me like shit,” he said, finally opening his eyes.

That was all he was willing to say right now. And Matteo didn't push, just continued to stroke his hair. Well, that's what he was pretending to do. What he was actually doing was messing it up. By the time he was done it was going to be sticking out in every direction. David had no idea what his fascination was with messing up his hair. Something to do with wanting David to mess up his own soft blond locks. He loved that. It was a feeling thing, a certain type of touch. Like squeezing his hands, or David’s head on his chest. Grounding he said.

“So you moved?”

“It was too much. I couldn’t finish my Abi not there, and my parents were just being shitty, wouldn't help. I was living with Laura already so she pulled me out, helped me transfer, I just wanted to finish," David explained. 

“Then you came to my school?”

“Yeah and I just wanted to finish, to keep my head down and pass the year and be gone. It was your fault I didn’t," David told him, smiling weakly. 

He'd never imagined Matteo, never even thought he would get something like this. He'd never wanted it either, or so he used to keep telling himself. It was all lies though, yes he could cope with being alone, could live with it, could get through it happily enough. But it was lonely, God it was lonely and the moment Matteo came into his life it was as if all of that was realised, and he knew what he really wanted. Didn't make him any less terrified though. 

“My fault?” Matteo spluttered. 

“Kinda, I never wanted to get to know anyone," David said. 

“Ok but you did make friends though, at school," Matteo said, brows furrowed as he tried to understand what was going on now. 

“Yes because they’re your friends," David argued. 

He'd gotten Matteo and gained all his friends too. And he loved them, but he knew they were only there because Matteo loved him. They were Matteo's friends. 

“No… I mean yeah I’ve known Leonie forever but you became friends with her by yourself," Matteo countered. 

Ok, he had a point, but even that wasn't down to him. 

“Yeah because she wanted to be friends with me. This is different. I don’t know how to do this," David explained, closing his eyes and burying his face against Matteo. 

He just wanted to hide. 

"Just talk to people," Matteo said. 

"It's not that simple," David said. 

"Yes, it is," Matteo said. 

"How did you make all your friends then?" David said. 

"Our friends," Matteo said. "And through Jonas," he added. 

"See?" 

"Yeah but no actually Carlos and me were in English class together in elementary school, so we were already sort of friends before we all started hanging out," Matteo said. 

"Jesus you’ve known all those guys forever, you've been friends since you were kids, this is completely different," David said, sitting up now. 

Matteo was never going to get this, these guys were his lifelong friends, they were never going anywhere. David didn't have that, would never have that. 

"You know they love you too?" Matteo said gently. 

"Because we're dating," David said. 

"Yeah well that's never gonna stop. But ok maybe that's why they became your friends, but now you're just friends right? You hang out with them without me. They're your friends in your own right," Matteo said. 

And that was true, David had started playing basketball with the boys pretty regularly, Matteo completely uninterested. He studied with Abdi all the time. Often dropped by Jonas' work at the beginning of the week to check-in. He even had coffee with Hanna when they both had time. She was his favourite. They were his friends he realised. 

Yes, the topic of Matteo came up. A lot. But embarrassingly that was probably more him than them. 

It wasn't enough though. He wanted what everyone else had, his own little group, he didn't want to go through uni alone like he had in high school. 

"But I want friends at school too, I want more," David said. 

"Right but everyone is new so everyone needs new friends," Matteo said. 

"No they were new, I bottled it at the start of term and now it's too late to do anything about it," David said. 

"No it's not," Matteo said. 

"Yes, it is," David argued. 

"Stop fighting me, it's not. Just fucking say hi to someone, stop being so unapproachable and closed off and maybe someone will dare to fucking speak to you," Matteo said. 

"Stop having a go at me," David said. 

Because he felt called out, that was exactly how he'd behaved the past semester. 

"Stop pretending you’re not lonely," Matteo countered. 

David buried his head in Matteo’s chest and screamed. He was right, David knew he was right. He wasn’t being mean he was being honest. David was lonely. He didn’t trust easily, and he’d shut people out. But he had three more years of school to go and it wouldn’t be fun alone. Yes, he had plenty of friends outside of school, but he would like some at his school. People who were interested in films like him, into art. And sport too. 

He’d talked to other students in his classes, made small talk, been polite. But he’d kept them at a distance and eventually people had lost interest. Who wanted to be friends with someone who kept blowing you off when you invited him out? So now everyone had formed their little friendship groups. And David sat alone.

“It’s not that fucking simple Matteo,” David muttered.

“Why not?” Matteo asked.

“Because you know why,” David said.

“Because you think you can’t trust people, David you can’t get through life like that, you can’t just believe everyone’s going to be shitty, you have to trust people sometimes. I’m not saying you have to come out right there and then or ever but just fucking say hi to someone, ask if they want to hang out after school or something,” Matteo said.

“And if I do? If I make friends and it happens again, I get outed or found out and they all leave me, how is that better? It’s better if I don't bother Matteo don’t you understand,” David said.

And he was crying now, properly. Tears running down his face, hiding against Matteo like he could protect him from all the bad of the world.

“Oh David, no one's going to leave you,” he said gently.

“You don’t fucking know that,” David muttered.

“Ok. Ok. You’re right. But… I know it’s not much but I didn't leave, Leonie didn’t leave, or Sara. Jonas and the boys they absolutely love you. The girls love you. We’ll never leave you. People at your first school, they were so shitty, So awful, but I just don’t think you can use that to justify writing everyone off before you give them a chance,” Matteo said.

“You don’t-”

“I know! I know I don’t understand, I know I will never get it David but you know what I do understand?” he asked.

David just stared, he knew Matteo was trying to stay calm but he was getting frustrated. He tended to when people didn’t get what he was trying to say. Especially when it was David because most of the time it was easy. Most of the time they just got each other but this was different. 

Because David wasn’t seeing his point and it was clear it was something so obvious to Matteo, that he just couldn’t comprehend why David didn’t see it. 

“What?” David asked.

“You. And I know that this is bothering you. I see it whenever me or Jonas or Laura are asking you how school is going, you’re so careful with how you speak, trying to hide it ok?” Matteo said.

And David hadn't realised how much he’d noticed, he thought he’d been so careful, but he couldn’t hide anything from Matteo. He should have known better than that. 

“Why are we doing this now?” David asked.

"Well, it took me a few weeks to pick up on it. I think we were halfway into the term. Then I figured maybe you would say something, but you didn’t and now term one is over. But I still might not have said anything if you hadn't said yesterday that I could ask questions,” Matteo admitted.

“Oh,” David said.

“And to be honest, I'm kinda regretting it, I didn't mean to piss you off,” Matteo said, all his confidence fading as he looked down at David, nervous and agitated again.

“I’m not and I’m not angry with you. I’m frustrated that you’re mostly right and I'm feeling a bit called out. But I'm not angry with you. Don’t let this stop you asking ok?” David said.

“Ok, so I win?” Matteo asked, voice still small but he was grinning.

David grabbed a pillow and threw it at his head. Matteo just laughed at him.

“You can make friends David, and they won’t leave you. You’re far too wonderful for that,” he said softly.

God this boy, who had such utter faith in him, that he couldn’t even comprehend people rejecting him. This was what frustrated Matteo, that David couldn't see himself the way he did. Because in Matteo’s eyes David was perfect. But it was probably for the best if he did his ego would be huge. He would be an asshole.

* * *

David couldn’t stop thinking about his argument with Matteo yesterday. Well, not an argument, and certainly not one he’d won. If he was thinking about it this much it meant that Matteo had gotten into his head. He’d won and now David wanted to try. He wanted to make friends with some of the other students.

He was standing in the corridor outside the lecture theatre waiting for the previous class to finish. There were other students around, standing in their groups, chattering away about their Christmases, their New Years, their weekends. Just normal friend stuff. He envied them. He didn’t want to be popular, he just… he didn’t want them to see him as this loner who didn't want any friends. He thought he was past that now.

He was stood off to one side, away from everyone else. But he couldn’t exactly just go up and interrupt a group.

He pulled out his phone.

_David: why are we friends?_

_Leonie: What?_

_David: Like why did you make friends with me?_

_Leonie: Again what_

Ugh, why did she have to be so difficult? She always wanted more information, would never just answer a simple question with a simple answer. He always had to offer up something to get any info out of her. He both loved and hated her sometimes.

_David: I want to make friends with the people in my course, but I'm not good at this. I asked Matteo how he made his friends and he just said Jonas did it for him. I don’t have anyone who can do that._

_David: So why did you make friends with me?_

_Leonie: You were mysterious, I liked that, I wanted to figure you out, solve the mystery that was David Schriebner, new boy, dressed all in black, arrived at school under mysterious circumstances._

David huffed and rolled his eyes.

_David: Great, not helpful_

_Leonie: Just say hi David, it's not that hard, sit next to someone and introduce yourself stop overthinking_

_Leonie: Remember everyone is new_

_David: We’re in second term now, no one is new any more_

_Leonie: OMG No one cares, seriously do you want me to come hold your hand_

_David: No I'll do it, I don’t even know why we’re friends you’re not very nice to me_

_Leonie: Tough love_

_David: Ok_

_Leonie: You got this Schreibner_

_David: Thanks_

He pocketed his phone and the door opened, their lecturer waving them into the room. David took a seat near the middle instead of at the back where he usually sat, moving his bag so that the bench around him was free. He hoped he wasn’t stealing someone's seat, but this was a new class and there was no assigned seating plan. Maybe there would even be a few new faces. He recognised everyone so far.

He sighed when everyone started sitting in their little groups. Maybe he should’ve said something in the corridor. Now he was sat in the middle of a lecture theatre all by himself. Or so he thought.

A boy approached the bench and sat down next to him. He was tall, far taller than David and he had messy curly red hair and a kind face. He slipped off his parka and hung it on the chair behind him. Underneath was a hideous orange sweater. It clashed so horribly with his hair that David couldn't help but stare. He tried not to pass judgement based on first appearances.

He looked around the room, there were still a lot of free spaces. So this boy had chosen to sit next to him.

“Hey,” the boy said, rummaging in his bag and pulling out a very crumpled notebook.

Old school, David thought glancing at his own laptop.

“Hi,” David replied carefully.

“I’m Peter,” he said.

“David,” he said holding out his hand.

Peter shook it and nodded.

“Hi David, I hope you don’t mind me sitting here. You seemed more interesting than anyone else in here,” he said.

“I do?”

“You’re sitting in the middle of the lecture theatre, alone in the middle of the row. Interesting,” he said.

David shrugged.

“I guess,” David said.

“Speaking of interesting,” Peter said, nodding as two girls approached the bench. 

David frowned as he recognised one of them. The one with bright pink hair, she’d been the girl who served them at the stationary shop. Her hair was in bunches today and she was wearing a pale blue dress with heavy purple boots. Colourful. She was tiny when she wasn’t sitting behind the counter. Beside her was a black girl with short-cropped hair, at least half a foot taller than pink hair. Wearing a spiked leather jacket, black jeans and heavy black boots.

“Hey Lucy, Chloe,” Peter said. “This is David,” he said.

Pink hair rolled her eyes. 

“Nice sweater. And we’ve met,” she muttered, sitting down beside Peter.

“Where?” the other girl asked, she knelt on the seat and reached across to shake David’s hand. “I’m Chloe,” she said.

“David,” he said.

“He was in the shop the other day, sucking face with his boyfriend,” Lucy said with a huff.

Chloe burst out laughing at the look of disdain on Lucy’s face.

“Don’t mind Lucy, she’s about as unromantic as they come,” Peter said.

David grinned.

“Fuck off!” Lucy said.

They quietened down as everyone got settled and the professor started going over the syllabus. 

This was Film Making Style and Technique, the follow-up course to the storytelling module he’d done in the first semester. They now had to take the techniques they’d learnt and couple it with all the other stuff that surrounded the story, the way of telling the story through the medium of film. 

“Ok everyone I’m going to give you a quick intro. Focus for ten minutes and then you can get into groups and start thinking about your projects,” she said.

David nodded and gave her his full attention.

“The main task for the rest of this year is to come up with a concept for a movie, work out the story, then how you would film it. There will be an opportunity next year to film the movie, but I don’t mind if you want to get a heads up, get some footage and some ideas onto film early. And it will probably help to illustrate the visual techniques you intend to use in the project.

“But there is no commitment to whatever you come up with this year, that is the nature of film. This time next year you may want to scrap the idea, it may have evolved so much from your original idea that anything filmed now would be irrelevant. It is up to you. You are going to be assessed on your written work this year,” she said.

David was excited now, this was exactly why he was here. Making movies. This was his dream. He glanced at Peter who looked just as excited, sat forward in his seat hanging on to the Professor’s every word. Chloe looked over at him and grinned, he smiled back at her, she got this.

“I expect you to work in groups of five or six for the rest of the term,” she said.

And David’s heart sank. He wondered if Peter, Lucy and Chloe would let him work with them. They all seemed to know each other though. They probably already had other friends to work with. They’d probably been working as a group since last September.

“Ok I’m sure some of you already know who you want to work with, anyone who doesn’t try and find a group and if you can’t come see me. You’re going to have an easy start today, the rest of the lecture I want you to get to know each other because you’re going to be working together for the rest of term. And by the way, this project will be done outside of lectures, you take what you learn with me and you apply it. No slacking,” she said, grinning and sitting down at her desk.

David turned to Peter who was watching Lucy and Chloe bickering with an amused expression on his face. He turned to David.

“I guess we’d better get to know each other then,” he said.

“You want to work with me?”

“Of course, like I said, you’re interesting, far more interesting than all these hipster wannabes in here,” Peter said.

David couldn’t help it, he looked Peter up and down and raised an eyebrow.

“I am not one of them,” he muttered, “I am interesting,” he insisted.

“Ok,” David said.

“So, we all know each other already, David tell us about yourself,” Peter said.

Chloe and Lucy stopped bickering at once and turned to David. 

“Er…” he didn't even know where to begin, he felt put on the spot.

He looked around the room but there was no escaping this. Everyone else was already moving into their groups. The room was filled with loud chatter and laughter. And he wanted a part of that. But to do that he would need to talk to them.

“I already know enough about David,” Lucy said.

“Ignore her, why do you want to make movies?” Peter asked.

“I want to direct, I want to control, no not control but like I want to write the stories I want to see, and then I want them to be filmed the way I want them, that doesn't make any sense does it?”

“No it does, but why?” Chloe asked.

“What do you mean?” David asked.

“Well, why do you want that? Why is that important to you?” Peter asked.

“I want to make movies about people like me, I want to make movies that would’ve helped me when I was a teenager,” David explained.

Chloe snapped her fingers and beamed at David.

“Representation Peter,” she said

“Perfect, that’s perfect. See you’re just perfect for our gang,” Peter said.

“Don’t worry, Peter’s just a bit weird. But yeah we’re probably going to get on just great. I’m all about that representation. I’m a gay black woman in a very white country, so I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone like me on TV or in movies, like maybe in America, but it would be amazing to get decent rep over here too,” she said.

She turned to Lucy.

“What?” she huffed.

“Introduce yourself,” Chloe prompted.

“I’m Lucy,” she said with a shrug.

David already liked her a lot. She had exactly his kind of humour.

Chloe shoved her and she shrugged again.

“I don’t know, I’m just angry all the time, I don’t care about any of that shit. Like yeah I want representation too but… I don’t... I’ve got more to deal with right now. But this is what I’m good at so I’m here. Oh and to be clear Chloe is not my girlfriend, everyone always thinks that, God knows why,” she said.

“She wishes,” Chloe joked.

“Get fucked, I could never date anyone as happy as you, half as happy as you even,” she muttered.

“Peter it looks like you’re our token straight guy if David has a boyfriend right?”

“Right,” David said.

“No change there then,” Peter said, unfazed, “so I'm sensing a theme already,” he said.

He grabbed his notebook and turned to a new page. He wrote the date and titled it _Ideas_.

“Representation,” he said writing the word on a random spot on the page. “Anger.”

He wrote it on the other side of the page, then went back to _Representation_. He drew a line and wrote _Sexuality_. Then another for _Race_.

“What else?”

“Social class?” Chloe suggested.

He wrote it down.

“Brilliant, what else?”

“Gender,” David said quietly.

“As in the Gender Divide? Or Gender Identity and Transgender?” Chloe asked.

David just stared at her, a little wide-eyed.

“All of those are important,” Lucy said, finally contributing.

“All of it,” David agreed.

Peter wrote it all down, nodded thoughtfully.

Next to _Anger,_ he drew three lines to _Mental Health,_ _Injustice_ , and _Uprising_.

“This is great,” Chloe said.

“I think we’ve got the very beginnings of something,” Peter said. “Ok so let's keep thinking, any ideas you get write them down.”

“I think after next week's lecture we should start meeting up,” Chloe suggested.

Lucy sighed but didn’t protest. 

David definitely didn’t protest, this was exactly what he’d hoped for.

“Ok David give me your number, I’ll make a chat group later,” Peter said.

David read off his number and watched Peter type it into his phone. David grinned. He hadn't expected the day to go this well. He’d made friends. By himself. They thought he was interesting. They wanted to be friends with him.

* * *

**schreibner has no friends**

_Leonie changed the name of this group to schreibner has no friends_

_Leonie (Monday, 13.14): so how was it? did you talk to anyone?_

_David (13.23): it was good, I may have found a group of cool people_

_Leonie (13.23): A whole group? My my David we said one person, don’t run before you can walk_

_David (13.24):_ 🖕🏽 

_Sara (13.29): What is this?_

_Leonie (13.31): David has no friends, so we have to teach him basic social skills_

_Sara (13.32): Oh that’s awful, let me know anything I can do to help_

_David (13.34): Thank you Sara this is why I like you the most, Leonie hasn’t been helpful at all_

_David (13.36): but I did talk to some people in class, I just, I want to be better at this, socialising, I want friends that share my interest._

_Sara (13.42): Yes that’s great, I get you. What about sport? You like sports too, maybe you could sign up for football. Humboldt has an amateur team, and if you’re an undergrad anywhere in berlin, you can join. People from theatre school go._

_David (13.43): I dunno_

_Leonie (13.44): well think about it at least._

_David (13.47): I will thanks Sara_

_Leonie (13.48): er thanks Leonie?_

_David (13.49): for what bullying me?_

_Leonie (13.50):_ 😘

* * *

**Matteo**

_Matteo (Monday, 14.24): how was your lunch?_

_David (14.24): not how was my day?_

_Matteo (14.25): did you like the cheese pastries I made? good right?_

_David (14.26): better than sandwiches_

_Matteo (14.26): David_

_David (14.27): it was great, it was delicious, I always love everything you make_

_Matteo (14.30):_ 😁

_David (14.32): my day is going well by the way, I spoke to people and everything_

_Matteo (14.33): that’s good_

_David (14.34): and how’s your day?_

_Matteo (14.41): boring, I miss you_

_David (14.42): I miss you too, what are you doing?_

_Matteo (14.48): in bed_

_David (14.49): get up please, even if it’s just to the living room, please don’t stay in bed all day_

_Matteo (15.01): ok_

* * *

**Leonie**

_Leonie (Tuesday, 9.04): are you busy tonight_

_David (10.31): sorry just got out of class_

_David (10.31): not busy why?_

_Leonie (10.32): i wanna join the LGBTQ+ soc_

_David (10.33): then join?_

_Leonie (10.34): come with me?_

_Leonie (10.45) please David_

_David (10.53): fine_

_Leonie (10.54): love you_

_Leonie (11.21): meet me outside the union building at eight tonight_

_David (11.22): fine_

_Leonie (11.23):_ 😘

* * *

**Matteo**

_David (Tuesday, 13.01): fancy coming to LGBTQ+ soc tonight?_

_Matteo (13.03): absolutely not_

_Matteo (13.04): unless you need me there_

_Matteo (13.04): but I really don’t feel like going out_

_David (13.05): no it’s ok, i’m going with Leonie, but i thought i’d ask you anyway_

_David (13.06): it’d be more fun if you were with me_

_David (13.06): another time maybe?_

_Matteo (13.07): yeah maybe, and leonie is going why?_

_David (13.08): she wants to join_

_Matteo (13.09):_ 🤔

_David (13.10):_ 🤫

_David (13.11): I’m going back to mine after uni to dump my stuff, do some school work, I’ll be over yours around ten, wait up for me?_

_Matteo: (13.12): see you tonight_

* * *

Leonie was running late, so now David was hovering outside the student union awkwardly. He supposed he could just go in, Leonie had told him to, but he didn’t want to. Not by himself. He didn’t even want to be there really, he was only going because Leonie wanted to join. And he was a good friend, even though she was mean to him. He knew the society was a good thing, and that it was important, it’s just he wasn’t all that keen on being a part of it. He knew that was bad too. But he was working on it. He was here after all. 

He watched several people going in chatting away like they’d known each other forever. That was the real reason he supposed, everyone already knew each other, they’d probably done introductions and talked about their tragedies already.

They would all understand what everyone was going through and all support each other and all that. And he couldn’t be a part of that. Not that he wanted to. He hated talking about himself. He didn’t need anyone’s support or understanding.

Leonie came rushing up to him, looking flustered. Her face was red and her hair was a bit windswept. He grabbed her by the elbow to steady her and frowned.

“Don’t rush, it’s ok,” he assured her.

“Sorry I couldn’t get away from Sara,” she explained, running a hand through her hair, sweeping it back out of her face.

“Right so we’re keeping secrets, you’re still going with that?” David asked.

He didn’t think it was a brilliant idea. In fact, he was pretty sure this was going to end in tears. He thought they should just talk to each other, but he’d given up on telling Leonie that. She never listened to him.

“I can’t tell her not yet. I need to figure a lot out first. Then I will,” she said. “But thanks for coming with me,” she said as they walked into the building.

“No problem, I mean I guess I should join anyway,” David said, but the tone of his voice made it clear he’d rather do anything else.

“Why haven’t you?” she asked.

“Dunno, you know what I’m like,” he said.

He just shrugged, not wanting to get into it. She just stared at him, brow furrowed in confusion.

“Yeah but people here surely aren't gonna be dicks?” she asked.

But that wasn’t the point, there was so much more to it. It was a complicated issue for him. Making friends. Trusting people. He didn’t know if he ever could. Not fully. It didn’t matter how understanding they were, people let you down. But he was here. He was trying. At school too.

“Nah I know it’s just... I think I’m still in that mindset like I don't need anyone. I'm fine on my own, and I shouldn't get too attached. Like I have Matteo and Laura, I don’t need anyone else. Plus these feel like the sorts of places where you have to like sit in a circle share your life story and I'm not into that,” David said.

They stepped into the room, it was bright and colourful like he’d expected. What he hadn’t expected was everyone just hanging around, doing their own thing. There were video games in one corner, what looked like a book group in another. People were just hanging out, and there were none of the horrible fold up chairs arranged in a circle. It was all sofas and beanbags.

“It's a cupcake social not fucking alcoholics anonymous,” Leonie said. 

David stared at her, what was she on about? Not once had she mentioned cupcakes.

“What the fuck is a cupcake social?” he demanded.

To his horror, Leonie pulled a plastic box of rainbow and pink iced cupcakes out of her rucksack. 

“Leonie what the hell? Why didn't you tell me I needed to bring cupcakes?” he hissed.

“Because we're new. I didn't want to give all these nice people food poisoning,” she said calmly, throwing her arm out gesturing to the other members. 

“Fuck you!” he said, shoving her.

She stood her ground and held the cupcakes high, out of the way.

“Careful or I'll say they're just from me,” she warned.

“Hi, David!” Chloe yelled, bounding over to them.

David frowned and glanced around worried she’d draw attention to him, but no one else even looked over.

“Hi Chloe,” he said, unable to mimic her enthusiasm. 

“Are you only just joining? I joined back in September, but don't worry everyone is lovely. Lucy joined too but she never shows up, hates anything social. Anyway would you like any pins or wristbands or flags?” she asked, gesturing towards a very colourful table. “And who is this? David, you should introduce us. I’m Chloe by the way. I'm in David’s film style and technique class. My pronouns are she and her and I'm a lesbian,” she said finally stopping for breath and sticking her hand out. 

Leonie shook it slowly, staring slightly. Chloe sure was a lot to get used to. But she was harmless and a lot of fun. 

“I'm Leonie, er… David and me are friends from high school,” she began. 

“She's here because she has a crush on her best friend,” David explained. 

“Not him,” Leonie clarified.

David shoved her again, but she just blew him a kiss.

“Ah unrequited best friend love I feel you,” Chloe said. 

“I've ignored it for a long time and I thought it was just her and it is, it’s only her, but I'm gay too,” she said quietly. 

“Absolutely, well you're in the right place _and_ you bought cupcakes! Perfect! You can set them down over there,” she said, pointing to where people were gathering around the cakes.

She turned to David as Leonie walked away.

“I didn't bring anything she didn't tell me,” David said, shuffling where he stood.

Chloe just laughed. 

“How mean,” she said.

“Right? I don’t even know why we’re friends,” he said. 

“So how come you're only just joining?” Chloe asked, peering at him curiously.

David sighed, why did he even have to join? Why was this something expected of him?

“I didn't want to,” David admitted, “like I don't think this is really for me,” he said.

“How come?” she asked. 

“I don’t know, I just want a quiet life,” he said.

“David we're not going to make you do anything you're uncomfortable with, but it's really good to get a friendship group with people who have the same experiences as you,” she said.

He had to refrain from rolling his eyes.

“No one has the same experience as me,” David argued. 

“Similar then. But you don't even have to share or regularly show up. Whenever you want you're always welcome, and we have separate meetings at our school too. And we have a formal social at the end of the year, maybe you could bring your boyfriend?” she suggested.

David laughed at that. It had taken everything to get Matteo dressed up for Abiball, he didn't want to deal with that again. He still complained about it now, anytime he saw his shirt in his wardrobe. 

“I’ll think about it,” David offered. 

“Try to have an open mind yeah?” she said.

She stared at him and he felt scrutinised. He felt like she felt sorry for him, but he wasn’t going to apologise for being cynical.

“So what do we do here then? When do we all sit and start talking about our tragic lives?” he asked.

“David it’s just a cupcake social,” she said, shaking her head. 

“Ok seriously, what the fuck is a cupcake social?” David asked.

Chloe shrugged.

“Everyone brings cupcakes we judge them and award prizes to the gayest, then tomorrow we sell the rest at the bake sale to raise money for various charities. This year we're supporting transyouth Berlin,” she said, winking at him.

He did roll his eyes this time. Because of course they were. Now he couldn’t even complain because they were good.

“Oh,” he said quietly. 

“Not a fan?” she asked.

“No they... yeah they're a good charity my er... my sister used to take me when I was still living at home,” he explained. 

“Ah did they help?” she asked. 

David nodded reluctantly, they’d been a great help really but he’d stopped going when he left home. Figured he didn’t need anyone, just Laura. They were fine just the two of them.

“Yeah but I'm just not good at making friends, you know I actually liked talking to the counsellors but I wouldn't talk to the other kids even though they were going through the same thing as me like I just don't trust people. I always expect kids to be cruel. And they all seemed like they knew what was going on, and I felt like an outsider there too,” David said.

David felt like an outsider everywhere.

“Well, then you just need to take more time I guess. I would say you're probably right to be reserved I sure know that would have saved me a lot of pain in the past, protect yourself sure but don't live a life alone, because in the end that's almost as cruel,” she said.

David sighed, she may talk a lot but she did obviously know what she was talking about.

“What's your story then?” David asked.

Chloe smiled and led him over to some comfy chairs and bean bags, flopping down. David sat down beside her on a pink bean bag, stretching out. This was better than sitting in a circle. Not that he’d ever done that.

Leonie joined them shortly after carrying a selection of cakes, she shared them with Chloe and handed David just one. He glared at her.

“Can I join?” 

“Hey Tay,” Chloe said.

“Hi Chloe. Hi newbies, I’m Tay, I’m a suffering art student, my pronouns are they and them, and I'm pan. Also, I made these ones, here,” they said, adding handing out more cupcakes.

David stuck his tongue out at Leonie who just rolled her eyes. 

“Mine are the best by the way. Just so we’re clear. But what are we gathering around for?” Tay asked, sitting down on the floor and leaning against a chair.

David observed them, was everyone here just smiley and happy all the time? Tay's hair was dyed blond and then a similar shade to Lucy's but buzzed short. They were wearing sunglasses indoors and had full tattoo sleeves on both arms. But that wasn't what stood out the most, that was the very bold red and blue printed shirt they wore. David, if he were better at socialising would have complimented them. But he didn't. Some people were happy with attention, didn't want to be invisible he supposed.

“We're about to do group circle therapy. It’s David's idea, we’ll talk about our tragic gay lives,” Chloe told them.

Tay raised an eyebrow.

“What?” they asked.

“That's what David thinks happens here,” Leonie said. “He’s seen too many movies.”

“It's a cupcake social,” Tay said.

If David heard that phrase one more time he was going to scream. Why was everyone saying that like it was a normal everyday thing?

“Right little ones it's time for old mama Chloe to share her story,” Chloe said. 

“I am older than you,” Tay reminded her.

“Irrelevant I’m going first. I was born in Bosaso in Somalia many years ago,” she said dramatically.

“Really? Your German is so good,” Leonie said.

Chloe raised an eyebrow and stared until Leonie started to blush.

“My mum sent me here to live with her cousins. I've lived here since I was three,” Chloe explained. 

“Wow,” Leonie said. 

“And it was fine, they were really kind and looked after me well,” she said.

David guessed what was coming, it was a story he’d heard so many times.

“Until?” he asked. 

“Until they caught me kissing my best friend Emelia,” she said. 

“Oh shit,” Leonie muttered. 

“Hey don't say best friend Leonie will get excited,” David said. 

Chloe snorted when Leonie kicked him. Hard. 

“Right so they are really religious, and they tried to fix me. But I just couldn't change, and they weren’t angry but they were so upset, they blamed themselves, said I'd been westernised. Like what the fuck did they expect? And also that wasn't why I was a lesbian like I still would have been in Somalia too. Although that would have been a nightmare. So I ran because I could never be who they wanted me to be. I ran away, found a shelter and finished school and now here I am,” she said.

David felt sad for her, that wasn't too unlike his own story. 

“Shit,” Leonie said quietly. 

“But that's not the end of the story,” Chloe said. 

“Oh?”

“Halfway through my Abi, I got a text from my mother, from an unknown number. I'd blocked hers as soon as I left because I just couldn't bear to hear the rejection from her, I knew that my family would tell her,” Chloe said.

“Wait? Your mum has a phone?” Leonie asked.

“Leonie really?” David said. 

“What I didn’t know?” Leonie said.

Tay laughed and shook their head, reaching out and patting Leonie’s knee.

“Don’t worry I thought the same thing when I heard the story, but I didn’t say it,” they said. 

“Yes my mum has a cellphone, everyone has a cellphone. But she borrowed one from a neighbour once she figured I wasn't seeing her messages,” Chloe explained. 

“What did they say?” 

“That she loved me,” Chloe said. 

“Oh my god,” Leonie whispered. 

“That she loved me and so did my cousins, they were just misguided. My mother had told them they had no right to judge me and if this is the way God made me then it was wrong to turn me away, and they were so sorry,” Chloe said.

“Oh wow,” David said. 

“But she did say I could never come home that I must never risk that because it isn't safe so…” 

“But she still loves you?”

“Yes, and things are ok with the rest of my family too, I don’t live there anymore, I couldn't not after finding my independence but I visit all the time, we’re chill. And my mum is applying to move here in the next few years which is amazing,” she said.

“Wow though,” Leonie said. 

“Ok, who's next?” Chloe asked.

David looked down at his feet, wanting no part of this. He began picking the colourful icing off his cupcake.

“I can go,” Tay said, “I was born nineteen years ago, many long months before Chloe,” they said. 

“How is this relevant?” Chloe asked.

“You told us you were born in Somalia,” Tay said.

“That was relevant to the story, it explained my family situation,” she argued.

“Well, mine is relevant because when I was born the doctors told my parents I was a girl,” Tay said.

Chloe nodded. 

“Ok I accept the relevance,” she said.

“Then the story is pretty boring for a while. Just a regular childhood until I was maybe twelve and I'd been worrying about it for a while by this point but I'd researched and like prepared all this info and I sat them down, my parents and was all ready to give a big speech. And I started ‘mum, dad I've been going through some stuff and I know you think of me as a girl but I don't think that's me’ and I was so ready to argue,” they said. 

“But what happened?” Leonie asked. 

“Well before I could even get started really my dad asked me, how do you want us to think of you?”

“Oh,” David said quietly.

“And I just burst into tears, but they were so good, they are so good they helped me so much through everything, they’re so great really. I bet you thought it was going to be a tragedy yeah?” Tay asked, grinning.

Chloe hi-fived them.

“Ok my turn,” Leonie said, leaning forward where she sat.. 

“Ok, you're in love with your best friend?” Chloe asked. 

“Yes for the longest time since I was thirteen,” Leonie said.

“Ok wow,” Tay said.

“But I always ignored it because it's never going to happen but because of that I've also been ignoring that I am also a lesbian and what that means to me so that's why I'm here really,” Leonie said, “I haven’t even thought about telling my parents. I don’t think they’d be surprised though,” she said, laughing to herself. 

God, it must be nice for all of them with their loving caring parents. David was trying so hard not to just walk right out of there. He didn't need the reminder that times were changing and parents were so much better these days because that’s just not how it was. And was there something wrong with him? No. It was his fucking parents. Not him.

“Ok that's so awesome though, you're going to be absolutely fine, and don’t give up hope. You never know,” Tay promised, “and you David?” 

“No,” David said.

“No?” Chloe asked.

“My story's not happy and I'm not going to share it. I don't have accepting loving parents. They were cruel and ignorant and they kicked me out. I’ve been fucking bullied my entire life just because people refused to see me as a boy, it's wonderful for you that everyone in your life just accepted you but that's not how the real world is and you can't be promising that shit to everyone,” David snapped.

Leonie flinched and reached for him. He allowed her to take his hand. Chloe looked hurt but Tay was unfazed.

“We know David, we know most people here. Their stories are a lot more like yours, but they come here because they need to hear it gets better, they don't want to be alone,” they explained. 

“But I'm not alone,” David muttered. 

“You have people?” Tay asked.

“Yeah I do,” David said. 

He had people that already got it, got him. Someone who was patient with him and the way he was, saw past his tough and aloof exterior. Someone who he could trust and share his story with. Not these people here.

“Well that's good then,” Tay said.

“It's hard. It's hard for me to let people in,” David admitted quietly.

Tay just nodded, flicking crumbs at Chloe.

“People often let you down,” Tay agreed. 

“Yeah.” 

“But you have someone in your life that you trust?” Tay asked.

“Yes,” David said firmly.

“Someone you know who won't let you down?” 

“Yes.”

“Then what does it matter about everyone else? Trust them anyway and if they let you down fuck them, you have better people to rely on, and when they don't let you down then you'll have more people to rely on,” Tay suggested.

David supposed it was easy for someone like them though, they didn’t know what it was like. Didn’t know what he’d been through. Although that was on him, he was refusing to share, refusing to explain. But he didn’t want to, didn’t want to go over all of that again.

“Ok,” he said quietly.

“Are you going to come back?” Chloe asked. 

“Probably not,” David admitted.

“Are you sure? Cupcake socials are once a month,” Tay reminded him. 

“No.”

“Film club is every Wednesday though,” Chloe offered. 

“I'll consider that,” David said, knowing it was unlikely but trying to be polite. 

“Is it pretentious?” Leonie asked.

“Very,” Chloe said. 

“David will fit right in then,” Leonie said. 

“Fuck you,” David said.

He sighed heavily and leant back in his chair. Tay, Chloe, and Leonie continued to chat around him but sensed he was done with talking for now. That had been a lot. It wasn’t what he was expecting, not nearly as bad. But he also hadn’t really enjoyed himself. But he knew he could’ve tried harder, put more effort in and engaged. He knew he was too stubborn too. Maybe he could try again, neither Tay or Chloe seemed put off by his attitude at least.

* * *

Despite what he’d said to the girls in his texts and his lack of enthusiasm at the idea, David was actually quite keen to try out for football. He’d played at both his previous schools and although it hadn’t exactly been smooth sailing he was willing to try again. He loved football. Because he was a student at the film school, he was allowed to try out at Humboldt. He’d found their website, and they accepted new students all year round. It was an amateur team, nothing professional, just for fun but they played other teams and sometimes team members moved up to the main uni team. David didn’t have time for that kind of commitment so this was more suited to him.

Right now he was laying in bed, Matteo was beside him playing video games, some platformer thing, David watched Matteo’s little avatar running and jumping around the screen for a moment.

"So it went ok then? Gay Club?" Matteo asked, turning and almost falling off the bed. 

David rolled his eyes and pulled him back further onto the bed. 

"You know it's not called that," David said.

"That's what you called it!" Matteo said, pausing his game and turning to face him properly. 

"Yes well, you can't say that because you're not a member," David argued, just for the sake of winding him up at this point. 

Matteo rolled his eyes not taking the bait. 

"Whatever," he said, "so it was ok?" 

"Yeah, no I dunno," David admitted. 

It hadn't gone… well. Leonie had been fine, already planning to go back, but David hadn't felt the same. At all. If he was honest with himself it had been a disaster. He’d gone in on the defensive, ready to hate it and that’s what he’d got. And he’d been rude too, snapping at poor Tay and Chloe.

"No?" Matteo asked. 

"I dunno I think maybe I came off as a bit of a jerk," David admitted. 

"No way! You? A jerk? Around new people, who dared to ask about you and your life? Never!" Matteo said. 

David shoved him, then climbed on top of him, pushing him so he was hanging off the bed, pinning him down. The controller clattered to the floor. Matteo screamed and struggled right himself to no avail. 

When he finally stopped struggling David pulled him back up. His hair was wild, all over the place and his face bright red. He paused to catch his breath. 

"What happened?" he asked quietly. 

"Everyone was nice," David said, "They were nice and accepting and all sharing their pronouns and it was just all too much. I don't know how to deal with all that," he said. 

"Yeah well you're used to keeping your head down," Matteo said. 

"Exactly," David agreed. 

"But…" 

"But?" 

"Couldn't you just make friends anyway? Wasn't there anyone you could just be friends with? Like, hang out in smaller groups or something?" 

David thought about it, he both did and didn't want that. He didn’t want friends with similar experiences as him, because he didn’t want to dwell on those. 

"Maybe," he admitted. "Maybe Tay and Chloe, well Chloe is in my film group anyway," he suggested.

Because he’d already met them, he didn't want to go through that with anyone else.

"Maybe Tay and Chloe," Matteo agreed. "And Tay is?" 

"They were there yesterday, didn't seem too put off by my attitude," David said. 

"There we go," Matteo said, smiling. “A miracle.”

He flopped back down onto the bed, turning back to the tv. 

"They're nonbinary," David said. 

"Cool," Matteo said. 

"Their parents love them anyway," David said quietly. 

"Ah so you must hate... them?”

“Yeah them,” David clarified.

“Well don't hold that against them David, everyone has a story, you don’t know theirs yet," Matteo said. "Make friends please, it'll do you good," he said.

“Well I think I might sign up to football at Humboldt too,” he said.

“No,” Matteo said, not looking away from the screen.

It was ridiculous, this set up. Now that he’d moved the TV he had to lie on his side in an awkward position to play. Arms dangling over the side of the bed. He shuffled constantly, it couldn’t be comfortable. David had suggested he sit up. Matteo had scoffed. David suggested he move the TV back, Matteo had refused. He said it needed to be there so that David could work.

“No?”

“Too much sport,” Matteo muttered, already immersed in the game again.

“Too much sport?”

“You do too much sport, you’ll get tired,” Matteo said, he sighed, paused the game again and turned back to face him.

“I don’t do any sports,” David argued.

“Running, the gym,” Matteo replied.

“That’s exercise,” David clarified.

“Ugh,” was all Matteo could respond with.

David shoved him.

“You could come with me,” he suggested.

Matteo’s eyes widened and he flopped down onto the pillow dramatically, as if exhausted by the mere thought of exercise.

“To football?” he asked.

“Nah, to the gym,” David said.

They’d had this conversation a few times by now. David thought it was a good idea, thought Matteo would benefit from getting into a good routine. And getting some exercise. Matteo refused every time. Wouldn’t even consider it.

“Absolutely not,” he said.

Refusing again.

“You’re not even willing to give it a try? I would help you, I’m not just gonna make you do a marathon on the treadmill or something,” David tried.

Matteo huffed and closed his eyes.

“Just thinking about it makes me tired,” he said.

“You’re always tired,” David countered.

He wished he hadn’t when Matteo opened his eyes again and looked at him, hurt written in his expression. He tried to look away but David reached out and held his face, turning him back to face him.

“I know,” Matteo admitted quietly.

“Well it might help,” David said.

He pulled Matteo so that he was sitting up facing him. Matteo huffed but didn't immediately lay back down. It meant he was willing to listen at least.

“How?” he asked, with a frown.

“Exercise improves energy levels,” David said.

Matteo laughed at him, rolling his eyes.

“That sounds like bullshit that sporty people say, to justify to themselves that it’s worth getting up at the crack of dawn to go out running,” Matteo said raising an eyebrow at him.

David shoved him, then grabbed his wrists to stop him toppling off the bed. He pulled him closer so he wasn’t so near to the edge.

“Am I sporty people in this scenario? But it's true we learnt it in sports class, it’s to do with your adrenaline,” David explained.

He wasn’t bullshitting either, he’d paid attention in class.

“I don’t think I even have any adrenaline,” Matteo said, and he just sounded so weary, so done.

David knew he was joking, but it worried him, Matteo’s general low energy. It didn’t seem to be getting better, in fact, it seemed to be getting worse. Matteo was sleeping in most days now, not texting David until midday sometimes. It wasn’t good.

“Matteo,” he said softly.

He still had hold of his wrists where he’d pulled him, he rubbed his thumbs over Matteo’s pulse point, his heart rate was slow, he was calm and not panicky, probably because he was so tired.

“Maybe, but… not right now ok?” he said, worried that David was going to try and make him.

Right now it sounded like even light exercise would finish him off.

David looked at him, properly. There were shadows under his eyes, he was even paler than usual. His hair was getting greasy, he was wearing the same sweater he’d been wearing since Monday. He looked tired. He looked exhausted.

“It’s just... I know… I know it’s stressing you out,” David said.

He reached for him and Matteo climbed into his lap willingly.

“What?”

“Not doing anything every day,” David said.

“I don’t _want_ to waste my days just lying about but I’m so tired and... I’m scared,” he said, trying to hide his face in David’s shoulder.

“Scared of?”

“Failing,” he said.

“Failing?

“Like if I get a job but fuck it up because I’ll be late or I’ll drop things, break them. I’ll be too tired, people will think I’m rude because I don’t like talking, like what kind of disaster would I be?”

David wished he could boost his confidence, but he thought perhaps the best way would be for Matteo to get a job, see he could do it and get more confident that way.

“Ok so take your time, find the right fit for you. There will be something I know it. You don’t have to do anything intense. It could just be a couple of days a week. I just think maybe if you still had structure in the day, it would help. Like still get up, still do stuff, even if you just go to the shops you know,” he suggested.

“Yeah maybe,” Matteo said, shrugging as best as he could pressed against David like he was.

“I trust you. You’ll figure it out. Hey maybe talk to Jonas, see if he can help you find something, there might be something you can do where he works,” David suggested.

“Maybe,” Matteo said, but he sounded doubtful.

David didn't think he was going to talk to Jonas, but he wasn’t going to force him to. Instead, he held Matteo tight against him, not letting him go back to his game. Matteo didn’t complain, just settled and sighed. He would work something out, David was sure of it. They were still young, they didn’t need to have everything sorted right away.

* * *

**Jonas**

_Matteo (Wednesday, 22.00): David wants me to get a job_

_Matteo (22.01): What kind of job can I even do Jonas_

_Matteo (22.01): I’m not any good at anything._

_Matteo (22.02): this is so stupid._

_Jonas (23.31): You can do plenty Matteo, I can ask around here I’m sure there’s plenty of jobs you could do with us. But there’s a lot of kids working here, it’s quite hustle and bustle._

_Jonas (23.32): you should ask your mum, like remember you used to work at the church in the summer? Maybe they would pay you now._

_Matteo (Thursday, 3.00): ok_

* * *

**Mama**

_Matteo (Thursday, 6.12): Do you remember when I used to help at the church?_

_Matteo (6.12): Do you think I could do that again_

_Matteo (6.13): I need a job_

_Matteo (6.13): I just need something to do, they don’t even have to pay I’m just_

_Matteo (6.14): I need something to do._

_Mama (7.02): Darling you’re up so early_

_Mama (7.04): I’ll ask at the church_

_Mama (7.06): but I have some other ideas too. Don’t worry Matteo leave this with me. I’ll find you something_

_Matteo (14.26): Thank you mama_

_Mama (14.31): Always darling, I love you_

_Matteo (14.32): I love you too_

* * *

**Gay Movie Nerds and Peter**

_Peter created the group Filmmaking Style and Technique Group Chat_

_Chloe changed the name of the group chat to Gay Movie Nerds and Peter_

_Peter (Thursday, 15.25): I feel called out._

_Lucy (15.26): Well what the fuck was that name for the gc?_

_Lucy (15.27): No way am I being any part of a chat called that. This isn’t much better but I’ll allow it. I like the way Peter is singled out so…_

_Chloe (15.30): Thanks Lucy_ 🥰

_Lucy (15.31): no emojis_

_Chloe (15.32):_ 🥰🥰❤🥰😍😘😘

_Chloe (15.33): David are you there, what do you think_

_David (15.35): I think it’s great_

_Chloe (15.36): Then the name stays. Suck it Peter_

_Peter (15.37): Fine, but just remember the purpose of this chat_

_Chloe (15.38): Socialising_

_Peter (15.40): Organising our group project_

_Chloe (15.41): so lame_

* * *

David walked into the WG to the smell of Matteo's cooking. Something with garlic and tomatoes. His stomach rumbled. He kicked off his shoes and dropped his bag in the hallway, shrugging off his coat. It was always so hot in the apartment. Both Linn and Matteo felt the cold, so they kept it warm. 

He’d had another great day at uni. He was so happy with his film group. They were going to work so well together, David was sure of it. Their ideas were already coming together. They had their first project meeting next week.

Project meeting. He loved the sound of that. See he could make friends. He would make friends at football too, show them all. Or not really seeing as everyone had already told him he could make friends. He hung his coat on the hook and smiled to himself. What had he even been afraid of?

He could hear Hans and Matteo bickering in the kitchen and grinned.

He headed towards the noise and stopped in the doorway, watching Matteo trying to cook and Hans hovering over him.

“But I'm hungry butterfly,” Hans whined. 

“I don't care if you are. It's date night, me and David, you're not invited,” Matteo argued, not looking up from the pan. 

David and Matteo did date night every Thursday. He couldn’t even remember when they’d started. It just became a thing, Matteo would cook for David every Thursday. Last term he’d had a pretty heavy class schedule on Thursdays, so Matteo had insisted on taking care of him, making sure he could chill out. And it had become a thing. He didn’t have any particularly heavy days this semester, but that wasn’t going to stop them.

“But it's not fair it smells so good,” Hans complained.

He glanced over at David who shrugged. 

“Tough,” Matteo muttered. 

He bent to take the tray out of the oven. Baked pasta then. Everything smelled so good, and David was starving.

“Just a bit,” Hans said. 

He was nothing if not persistent.

“There won't be enough, go away,” Matteo said, shoving him out of the way, to place a tray of bread on the table. He finally noticed David and stopped for a moment, smiling at him.

“Can you believe he's gonna let me starve?” Hans asked him, as he finally stepped into the kitchen.

“Outrageous,” David agreed. 

Matteo just shook his head, still smiling.

“It's almost ready, you can leave now Hans,” Matteo said, grabbing plates and setting the table. 

David grabbed the cutlery and helped him, they moved together around the kitchen effortlessly. David grabbing the drinks, Matteo grabbing the glasses.

“Ten minutes ago he was begging for my company,” Hans told David.

David chuckled.

“Lies,” Matteo said.

Hans rolled his eyes and flounced out of the room, still muttering about being hungry.

“Begging for Hans' company?” David asked. 

“I dunno I just felt restless, didn't want to be on my own, I just felt all wrong,” Matteo said.

“Well I'm here now,” David said.

He stepped up to Matteo and wrapped his arms around him. He moved with him around the kitchen as Matteo got everything ready, not complaining about having to drag David around. He was quiet, usually, he would argue with him, complain that David was slowing him down, but he was silent.

“Is everything ok Matteo?” he asked, resting his chin on Matteo’s shoulder.

“Mm, fine,” he said.

David waited.

“I texted mama this morning and she might have a job I can do,” he admitted.

“Ok,” David said.

“But she didn't say what it was,” Matteo said.

“Ok?”

“But it doesn't matter anyway, I won't be able to do it. I only texted her because I'm getting on your nerves,” Matteo said, shrugging him off and carrying the dish over to the table.

David followed him and sat down, he began to plate up the pasta. Matteo sat down heavily, opposite him and stared out of the window. Even though it was dark out and there was nothing to see.

“No you’re not Matteo, and why?” David asked.

He nudged Matteo’s knee, to get him to look at him. When he did, he pushed the plate closer and waited until he began to eat.

“Why what?” Matteo asked, picking at the bread. 

“Well, why won't you be able to do it?” David asked. 

“Because you know... What if I get like this? Or like the other week when I couldn't get out of bed for days, I'll just get fired. It's better not to bother,” he said.

“But if you disclose that this happens from the start, then maybe they won't fire you when it does,” David said.

“What in the interview just say ‘oh sometimes I get a bit lazy so won't come in because I'd rather spend the day in bed?’ _”_

“It's not lazy and you know it, Matteo,” David argued.

He tried to eat some of the food, but he didn’t feel all that hungry anymore. He was too worried.

Matteo sighed.

“I'm just scared. I don't even know why I just feel like something bad is going to happen,” Matteo said quietly.

“Why?”

“Because I'm happy and I don't trust it. Because I’ve never been happy for this long without something bad happening,” he admitted.

David frowned, he didn’t like the sound of that at all. He reached out and squeezed Matteo’s hand.

“Something bad?”

Matteo just shook his head, he shivered slightly at whatever bad memories he was conjuring up.

David looked at him sadly but didn't push. He knew he couldn't fix this, not quickly anyway, all he could do was be there for Matteo when he voiced his anxieties. 

“Oh well,” Matteo said. 

He got up and filled two bowls. David frowned.

“For Linn and Hans,” Matteo explained. 

“You're the sweetest,” David said.

“I try,” Matteo said, taking the bowls to his roommates.

David grabbed their own plates and the tray of bread and took them through to Matteo’s room. Tonight was one of those nights where they needed to hide away from the world, safe and locked away in Matteo’s bedroom. He would clear up the kitchen in the morning. Right now they needed this. 

* * *

**Laura**

_Laura (Friday, 8.33): How’s it going, little bro?_

_David (8.42): You have never called me that in your life, let’s not start it now_

_Laura (8.44): Haha, but seriously, how’s it going? How’s school? Having fun? Are you coming home ever?_

_David (8.45): I’m good, school is great, I’ve joined a group and we’re going to be working on a project together. I might try out for football next week. Oh and I’m going to a party tonight and it’s closer to yours so I’ll come back probably._

_Laura (8.46): Nice to know I’m convenient. Matteo too?_

_David (8.47): Not his scene, just me_

_Laura (8.48): Try to be quiet when you stumble in at one in the morning_

_David (8.49): I don’t stumble_

* * *

Leonie was moping. He knew why but he didn’t dare say anything. She’d only end up hitting him. Again. They were watching Sara, dancing with some random guy at a party. Sara was tipsy just on the edge of drunk. They didn’t know the guy. He seemed alright. He was hot. But he wasn’t Leonie, and that's all that mattered. Leonie sighed and turned away, facing David. This was becoming a regular thing now. He was starting to worry about her. But she wouldn’t talk about it.

“So _have_ you made any friends yet? Really?” she asked instead.

“Yes actually,” David said, taking a sip of his beer. “You met one of them, Chloe,” he reminded her.

He didn’t want to get too drunk, he wanted to wake up early enough to get back to Matteo’s in the morning. Nothing planned he just wanted to hang out.

“And? Where are they?” she demanded.

“I mean I don't know, we’re not that close yet,” David explained.

“You could've invited them,” Leonie said.

“Not yet it's a process,” David argued.

He was bullshitting, but he enjoyed winding her up.

She scoffed.

“It's a process? Did nobody really teach you how to make friends in elementary school?” she asked.

“Everyone thought I was a freak in elementary school,” he said calmly, taking another sip of his beer.

He was mostly joking. Mostly. Elementary school wasn’t that bad, it was middle school when it all kicked off. But she panicked anyway, eyes widening as she tried to backtrack.

“Shit I didn’t mean-”

“It's fine ancient history,” he said.

He didn’t want to get into that right now.

“Still I’m sorry,” she said.

He nodded. 

“Ok,” he said.

“Hello best friends,” Sara said, dropping down beside them, leaving her guy standing in the middle of the room looking a bit confused.

“Are you drunk?” David asked

“No, actually I'm happy. Oh, I got a call back for a play today,” she told him.

“Oh, that's fucking great! I'm happy for you. You’re gonna be famous too quick to help with my film projects,” he complained.

She wrapped an arm around Leonie and leant across her to David.

“Probably but I will anyway because you're sweet,” she said, she pulled out a bottle of wine from somewhere and offered it to David.

He probably shouldn’t, especially not wine but they were celebrating now. He took a swig and offered it to Leonie who declined.

“Thank you, Sara,” he said.

“So any films on the horizon?” she asked, leaning heavily against Leonie.

Leonie just closed her eyes and took a slow measured breath. David was worried she was going to scream. But she didn’t, just gritted her teeth.

“Maybe some scenes actually, for a potential film next year. Me and _my new friends_ are going to be working on something,” he told them both.

Leonie rolled her eyes.

“Oooh, what's the concept?” Sara asked.

“It’s probably going to be very gay,” he said.

“Love it already,” she said, swigging from the bottle and giggling.

“And possibly controversial,” he added.

“Even better, count me in,” she said.

“Brilliant,” David said.

“Where's your loser boyfriend by the way?” Sara asked, she held out her phone and took a selfie.

“Don’t call him that, he’s at home,” David said. 

“Sorry, you could've invited him,” she said, “I’m sending him this, show him what he’s missing.”

“I did,” David said.

“Maybe he doesn't like us,” Leonie said.

He didn’t know if she was joking or not, but it wasn’t true. Matteo liked them just fine, just didn’t want to come out.

“He does he just… he didn't feel up to it,” David admitted.

He knew he shouldn’t talk about this with them, not without discussing it with Matteo first. But Matteo was refusing to talk about it. And David was worried.

Leonie nodded. 

“I know, I was kidding, but he's always been like that,” Leonie said.

Leonie had known Matteo a lot longer than him, although they had drifted apart over the years they were still sort of friends.

“Like what?” Sara asked.

“Ups and downs,” Leonie explained.

She looked like she could say more but thought better of it. It was only right, he shouldn’t find out these things second hand. He needed to get Matteo to talk.

“He's been down for a while now,” David admitted.

It was scaring him.

“It'll pass just hang in there,” Leonie suggested.

“Thanks,” David said, that was all he could say.

They weren’t going to get anywhere until Matteo was ready to talk. All he could do in the meantime was be there as much as he could.

“Let’s get drunk,” Sara said, thrusting the wine bottle into his hands.

It didn’t mean he couldn't have fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [moodboard for this chapter is here!](http://youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com/post/190175321910/every-version-of-me-dead-and-buried-in-the-yard)
> 
> updates on fridays - up next football and old faces


	2. you can run if you feel you have to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why did he ever think he could do this? Why did he try? He didn't get to have this. Normal. Happy. Fun. He'd trusted it, for the first time in years he'd trusted it. He'd started to believe that maybe he got this. What a fool he was.

####  **Leonie**

_ Leonie (Saturday, 03.12): I'm outside come get your lightweight boyfriend  _

_ Leonie (03.13): Matteo I'm not fucking around your light’s on and you’re online come get him _

_ Leonie (03.17): I will leave him here in the street Matteo, and I'll make you pay for the taxi _

_ Missed call Leonie (03.18) _

_ Missed call Leonie (03.19) _

_ Matteo (03.20): coming  _

_ Leonie (9.41): sorry for snapping at you last night _

_ Leonie (9.42): are you ok Matteo? _

_ Leonie (9.43): you seemed a bit… off last night _

_ Matteo (10.01): just tired _

_ Matteo (10.03): thanks for bringing David home _

_ Leonie (10.05): no problem, take care of yourself yeah _

* * *

David felt like his head was going to explode. His mouth felt like it was filled with sand. Why did he feel so bad? He’d only had a few beers. He shouldn’t be hungover. But then Sara had given him some of her wine. And he’d drank a lot. Too much. He remembered dancing with her. He remembered Leonie glaring at him too. 

They'd stayed out far too late. He didn’t even remember getting home. He opened his eyes. He was at Matteo’s, how had he gotten there? He was supposed to stay at his and Laura’s. 

The room was dim, the curtains were drawn, even though Matteo hated the room being too dark. He’d done it knowing David was going to wake up feeling rough. He must’ve also helped him change out of his jeans and shirt, and into soft sweats. There was a glass of water on the nightstand too, and a box of painkillers.

“Morning,” Matteo said quietly from where he sat beside him.

He was scrolling on his phone, waiting for David to wake up.

David knew Matteo wasn’t being loud, he rarely was, but right now he may as well have been shouting in his face. He pulled the blanket over his face.

“Shhh.” David groaned at the sound of his own voice, everything was so loud, his head was killing him.

“Morning,” Matteo repeated, pulling at the covers, trying to uncover him.

“Go away,” David replied, burrowing deeper.

“How hungover are you?” Matteo asked, his voice quiet and hushed.

“Not hungover,” he muttered. 

Which was a total lie.

“Do you want breakfast?” Matteo asked gently.

David thought about it, he didn’t feel sick, just incredibly thirsty. And he was hungry, he was starving. He vaguely remembered arguing in the taxi with Leonie, begging her to stop for a kebab. She hadn’t let him. She wouldn’t even let him get any fries.

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

Matteo just shook his head when David’s stomach rumbled.

David felt Matteo get up from the bed and felt cold immediately, despite all the blankets covering him. He shivered. He didn’t want to get up, he was so tired and so comfortable. But he didn’t want to lay there by himself. He forced himself out of bed and followed Matteo into the kitchen. Immediately draping himself over Matteo, who was now making eggs at the stove.

“Hello,” Matteo said, not turning away from the stove.

“A bit hungover, but mostly I’m tired and cold,” David said, pressing harder against Matteo, trying to leech some of his warmth.

“Did you have fun?” Matteo asked.

“How did I get here?” David asked.

“Leonie brought you back. You and Sara were very drunk, I had to come get you from the taxi. Sara was screaming at me too, she wanted to dance with me, but Leonie wouldn’t let her out of the car thank god,” Matteo muttered. 

“Oh. Sara had wine, a lot of wine,” David explained.

Matteo nodded and grabbed their plates. David didn’t want to let go of him yet, but Matteo shrugged him off.

“Here or bedroom?” he asked.

“Here, then back to bed?” David suggested, frowning slightly.

Matteo was unhappy. David wondered if he was annoyed with him. But he didn’t think so. Something was up though, Matteo would never usually pull away from him unless he was overwhelmed. But he seemed calm. Just quiet but it was first thing in the morning so that wasn’t unusual.

Matteo set everything down on the table and poured a glass of orange juice for David and coffee for himself. David downed the glass and poured another.

“Well it’s good that you had fun,” Matteo said quietly.

“Yeah, but I couldn’t do that every week,” David said, yawning and stretching before tucking into the food. 

It was so good, he was so hungry. He swore he’d never felt so hungry before. And he was so tired too, he definitely couldn’t do this when term started properly. Because he was going to lose this Saturday, he was probably going to sleep all day instead of studying. Which was fine right now, but as his workload got heavier he wouldn’t be able to handle this. He knew some students did it, but he had no idea how.

“Cool,” Matteo said, shrugging.

For once Matteo was eating slower than him. It was weird. Further confirmation that something was up.

“You should come next time,” David suggested.

“Maybe,” Matteo muttered, he wasn’t looking at David, instead focusing on his plate.

David was reminded of the other night when Matteo was stressing about wasting his days, maybe he was still upset about it.

“Leonie and Sara asked after you, they wanted to see you,” David said, perhaps if he could get Matteo out and socialising it would help.

Matteo just shrugged and continued to stare at his plate.

“Or not to a party, something more lowkey, we could all go out for coffee or food,” David suggested.

He was really trying here, but Matteo never seemed to want to do anything. Which was fine if that was what he wanted. But he didn’t think it was and David was worried.

Because he was happy with Matteo never socialising again if that was what Matteo wanted but it wasn’t. He knew that it wasn’t.

“I dunno,” Matteo said quietly.

He still wouldn’t look up at David. David noticed that his hands were shaking where he held his cutlery. David put down his own and moved his stool closer to Matteo’s. He placed a gentle hand on Matteo’s knee.

“Matteo what's going on?” he said softly.

“Leonie texted me last night or this morning I guess. To come get you from the car,” Matteo said.

David frowned. He seemed to be too upset over just being woken up. He understood Matteo liked his sleep, but this distress was borne of something else.

“Oh I’m sorry I didn’t want to wake you,” David said.

“No I was awake but…”

That was worrying, because he couldn’t have gotten back earlier than two. Matteo should have been fast asleep then. And he was awake before David this morning.

“I couldn’t come down at first, like I knew I had to, knew I needed to come get you but I couldn’t make myself,” Matteo explained.

“Well, you were probably tired and-”

“I haven’t left the apartment since Saturday,” Matteo admitted, “I couldn’t I just… I don’t feel right,” he said.

David stared at him, at complete loss. He didn’t know what to do here. He hadn’t even noticed. He’d been busy. Shit.

“Ok Matteo-”

“But I need to pull myself together. Like right now. Mama texted me back, apparently, there’s a lady from church who needs someone to help, like with cooking meals, getting shopping that kind of thing, helping around the house. I know her from when I was a kid, she’s very nice,” Matteo said.

This seemed like a bad idea, he wasn’t sure whether Matteo could handle a job right now. He’d encouraged him before, but he hadn’t known how bad it was. If he wasn’t even able to leave the house, how would he work?

“Are you sure it's a good idea, working?” he asked.

“ _ You _ said I needed to David,” Matteo said, his voice high and panicky.

He reached up and started to pull at his hair, tugging hard.

He was stressing. David grabbed his arms and tangled their hands together, holding them tight. Giving him something else to squeeze instead. Matteo closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“I know it’s just if you’re struggling maybe-”

“You said working would help. You said I needed structure,” Matteo said, he was squeezing David’s hands hard now. 

It hurt but not too bad, David didn’t pull away.

“Ok don't panic, it's ok. Tell me about the job,” he said.

David was really out of his depth here. He didn’t know how to help Matteo. All he wanted was for Matteo to be ok. David was worried that this was going to make it worse, he hadn’t realised how bad Matteo was feeling when he’d convinced him to find a job. And now Matteo was going to force himself to do this. Because he’d told him to.

“She wants me to cook, and like help with shopping, and help keep the house tidy. Oh, and she has two cats and a dog. I would have to walk the dog. And like if she needs to see the doctor I can go with her. She doesn’t have any family and she’s getting quite old and these things are getting hard for her. Oh her name is Ingrid, she goes to mama’s church, she used to watch me when I was little sometimes,” Matteo explained.

David started to relax a little, that did sound like something he could do. Seemed just right for Matteo actually, nothing too rigid but still something to get up for, something to provide him with aim and structure. Working with just one person, who he already knew. Retail or office work would probably finish him off. But this was definitely more suitable. And Matteo seemed enthusiastic about it. That was a good sign. He hadn’t been enthusiastic about anything for a while.

“Well you like cooking,” he said carefully.

“I do,” Matteo agreed.

“And you like helping people,” David continued.

Matteo cheeks starting getting pink and he was relaxing now too, his grip on David’s hands loosening. It was as if he realised that David was going to support him with this. Which of course he was. Because in the end despite his doubts and worries, if Matteo thought he could do this then David would do everything he could to help.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding and looking down at their joined hands.

“So it's a good fit for you,” David said.

And it was because he remembered Matteo’s mother had found this job for him. And she knew him the best, even after everything they’d been through. She knew what he could handle and what he was capable of. He trusted her and her judgement.

“I really think it might be,” Matteo said, but he sounded unsure. “She doesn’t even want to interview me, because she says she already knows me. David in her text she called me a fine young man,” he said, looking up at him now as he flushed even redder.

“You are a fine young man,” David agreed.

“Shut up,” Matteo muttered.

“You’ll be great,” David insisted.

“You really think so?” Matteo asked.

David nodded, he really did, he’d been worried before. But this job really sounded right for Matteo. It felt very informal, it seemed like it would be just Matteo’s speed. He was still worried that Matteo had gotten so bad without him noticing. But that wouldn’t happen again. He wouldn’t allow it to.

“I called her yesterday,” Matteo admitted.

That surprised him, he must have been feeling very brave yesterday.

“Oh wow,” David said.

“Because it’s important I really want the job. You said it would help. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to get out of the apartment,” he said.

David understood, even if it would be hard, it was something that he needed. Like school. School was so hard for Matteo but at the same time he appreciated it so much because it made him get up, it made him leave the house. David knew he missed it for that, but there was no way he was ready to think about going back to school yet.

“What did you say?” David asked.

“I was honest, I told her everything. How I wanted to work because I want structure, how I like to cook, I like to help so it's a good job for me. I told her I used to care for mama, but I got a bit panicky, but she didn’t ask questions. I think she knows about that. I also said that some days I might not be able to do it, that I was worried about letting her down,” Matteo said.

David knew he was serious now, Matteo wasn’t one to say a lot, so this was important to him. For him to have a hard conversation like this over the phone, knowing it was basically a job interview.

“What did she say?” he asked.

“She asked me to come over and speak to her properly, but that it didn’t matter, any help she could get was welcome, and she wouldn’t fire me for having bad days even if I have a lot of them, and I think maybe she’s a bit lonely, I think more than anything she wants someone to come over,” Matteo explained.

Matteo was perfect for this David realised because while he wasn’t even remotely chatty, he was still such good company. And what he was best at? Listening. And he would be happy to listen to Ingrid David knew. Matteo was lonely during the day, this would be so good for him.

“You’ve got this Matteo,” David said and watched his face light up.

All he had needed was a little reassurance.

* * *

####  **Gay Movie Nerds and Peter**

_ Peter (Monday, 12.33): ok great class guys, I think we need to meet up on Wednesday to discuss ideas further _

_ Peter (12.34): I’m very keen on the conflict idea Chloe _

_ Lucy (12.45): jesus christ you’re talking like my manager _

_ Peter (12.46): I’m trying to keep the group organised _

_ David (13.01): Wednesday is good for me _

_ Lucy (13.03): Nerd _

_ Chloe (13.04): well duh that's the group name  _ 🤓🤓

_ Peter (13.05): so Wednesday around 13? _

_ David (13.06): sounds great _

_ Lucy (13.06): fine _

_ Chloe (13.07): see you there _

* * *

It was still far too cold to be sitting outside, yet there they were sitting in the park. No one else was around because they were all sensible and indoors. But not Leonie. No, she had wanted to sit outside so there they were, freezing their asses off, clutching their cups of coffee for that little bit of warmth. Leonie was even more stubborn than him. Apparently him pointing out that they would be cold outside meant they had to sit there for at least thirty minutes. To prove a point or something.

She was still trying to get him to join the football team and he was very tempted. She knew, Neuhaus aside, how much he’d loved sport. Especially football. But there was a practice tomorrow so he needed to decide pretty soon. He kept thinking he should go for it, and then his doubts set in and he changed his mind.

“Oh look there’s Tay,” she said, pointing them out.

“Yeah,” David said.

“Let’s get them to join us,” she suggested.

“But we’re hanging out,” David argued.

“There’s no harm in expanding our social circle,” Leonie said, waving Tay over. “I don’t know what your problem is David, you’re the one who wanted to make new friends.”

David huffed but didn’t object again. Tay approached them and sat down. They were wearing a ridiculous amount of layers, at least three sweaters, obviously not a fan of the cold. They were also wearing sunglasses. Again. At least they were outside this time, although the winter sun was pretty weak. 

“Hey David, Leonie, how's it going?” they asked, grinning at both of them.

“We’re just hanging out, enjoying the fresh air.”

David scoffed and rolled his eyes. Like they weren’t both frozen half to death.

She ignored him.

“How about you?” she asked.

“I’m good, trying not to get overwhelmed with school. It’s only a week in and I swear I’m swamped by projects and deadlines. You’re first years right?”

They both nodded.

“Enjoy it while you can,” Tay said. “But did you enjoy the social the other day? Your cupcakes did very well,” Tay informed Leonie.

“That’s because David had nothing to do with them, otherwise it would have been a very different outcome,” Leonie said.

“I can fucking cook,” David muttered, kicking her.

She kicked him back and grinned.

“Will you be coming again? We’re having a pizza night next week on Thursday, did you see the messages in the group?” Tay asked.

David hadn’t joined the group chat, but Leonie had.

“I will, David probably won’t,” Leonie said.

“Not your scene?” Tay asked.

“Not really, but Thursday is date night anyway, so it’s irrelevant,” David said.

Leonie laughed.

“Yeah you can never get David on a Thursday evening, he turns his phone off and everything,” she said. “But maybe you can help us. David, in a bid to be more social, is thinking of joining the football club at Humboldt,” she told them.

“Oh that sounds fun,” Tay said.

“I’m not joining the football team,” David muttered.

He stomped his feet, trying to stay warm. Why were they even still sitting out here? It was cold and miserable and now everyone wanted to talk about him apparently. He just wanted to go home. He was fed up of this already, didn’t want his life dissecting by Tay, no thank you.

“He’s really good, he was sports LK,” she said.

David shook his head and scowled, why did she think that was a good thing to bring up?

“Yeah, and we know how well that went,” he reminded her.

“What happened?” Tay asked.

See now they would want to talk about it, talk about every aspect of his life. He didn’t want Tay, with their perfect life, their perfect parents, and their perfect coming out, judging him.

He scowled at Leonie then looked at his phone, but he couldn’t just leave.

He stared around the park, there still weren’t even any people around to watch and distract him. So he looked at the trees, bare of leaves, branches stretching to the sky. He loved winter, loved the frost on the ground, the way his breath fogged in front of his face. How quiet the world got. But it wasn’t enough to distract him. Not when he had nosy people wanted to talk about him.

“Just grief from the PE teacher,” David said, he didn’t really want to get into it with them, either of them.

He never wanted to think about that day again. He felt cold all over just from the mere mention of it, and it had nothing to do with the weather.

He stared up at the sky watching the birds overhead. He’d used to want to be a bird when he was a kid. Just fly away, be free. Get away from his parents and leave everything behind.

“Transphobic,” Leonie clarified.

Because apparently she felt the need to keep going with this.

“Ah ok, PE teachers man, they suck sometimes,” Tay said.

“Yeah,” David agreed.

“But football club?”

“It’s just the amateur team, it’s just for fun, I think he should go for it,” Leonie said.

Why were they even talking about this? He’d already made a decision. He didn’t need the hassle. Just because he’d been back and forth a couple of times, in the end, it was always going to be no.

“What’s holding you back?” Tay asked.

“I’ll have to tell the coach,” David said.

“But do you have to?” Leonie asked, annoyed.

She didn’t get it, she would defend him to death but she didn’t get the situation, what was required, what he had to go through.

“Yeah he does in case of medical emergencies or something, all the forms probably need id,” Tay explained.

“Yeah so I don’t want to, I don’t want another Neuhaus situation,” David said.

“But you do want to play that's the thing,” Leonie argued.

“I don’t think you should let it stop you,” Tay said.

“Yeah well you wouldn’t,” David muttered.

Of course Tay with their perfect fucking life would think that anyone could achieve anything if they could just put their mind to it. Well, it wasn’t that fucking simple. If it was he wouldn’t be there.

“David,” Leonie warned.

He knew he was being mean but he was right. Life wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. It was difficult and it was hard, and sometimes he didn’t get to do things just because he wanted to.

“Sorry,” he muttered anyway.

Tay just stared at him nervously for a moment.

“Do you have a problem with me?” Tay asked quietly.

“No, not really, you’re just… I just feel like you don’t get it,” David said.

Tay looked hurt now, shoulders slumping, eyes downcast. David felt mean, he supposed, even though he didn’t think Tay got it, there was no need to be shitty. But he’d always been mean when pushed.

“Because I’m nonbinary?” they asked quietly.

And shit he never meant that. Tay just got on his nerves because they were happy and positive that was all.

“No! No! Just because everyone accepted you right off the bat, you’re fine and happy and everything’s perfect for you, so you just don’t get it,” David said, trying to explain himself.

“That’s not what I said. Is that what you think?” Tay asked, frowning at him.

“You spouted all that shit about coming out to your parents and not even needing to because they’re just perfect and they loved you without hesitation,” David said.

“Ok, so I'm gonna let that shit slide because clearly you have your own issues with your parents and you’re projecting that on me but don’t assume that I've had it all easy ok? Yeah, my parents supported me and thank god they did because school was a fucking nightmare, teachers and students alike, it was hell for me and without their support. I don’t think I would have made it,” Tay said.

And David felt ashamed of himself, Tay was shaking, close to tears. This is what he did, he was mean and cruel, he pushed people away. Didn’t give them a chance. In keeping people at arm's length he stopped himself getting hurt, but he hurt others. Tay had been nothing but nice and David had been standoffish and rude. He’d been cruel. He’d almost made them cry.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Tay nodded and swallowed hard, trying to stay calm.

“I’m really sorry,” David said, and he meant it.

“I know. I get it ok, just don’t assume these things ok? I get it, you’re kinda negative, I'm more upbeat about shit because I have to be. I have to keep positive, it's the way I'm wired,” Tay explained.

“Ok,” David said.

He still felt ashamed.

“Are we both good?” Leonie asked carefully.

“Yeah I'm not gonna fall out, I know you didn’t mean to be hurtful. And I do really think you should consider the team,” Tay said.

Tay was a far better person than him.

“I’m scared,” David admitted, his voice quiet and shaking.

He stared straight ahead refusing to look at either of them. Not wanting to see the pity in their eyes.

Because that was the heart of the matter, he was scared and he was defensive, like an animal backed into a corner. He lashed out and he hurt people. But he didn’t know how else to be. Didn’t know how to unlearn that behaviour.

“I know. I know you are. Ok, I'm not sporty but you tell the coach only. And yeah there's a chance he might be shitty, but he might be chill. It’s the amateur team, right? It’s supposed to be fun,” Tay said.

“I really want to, I love football,” David said.

“Then go for it. Look I know you’d never let us, you’re way too stubborn, but if the coach is shitty we can take action, especially if he goes against the equality policy,” Tay offered.

“David wouldn’t do that, he hates a fuss,” Leonie said.

“I hate the attention, I just want to get on with my life,” David said, repeating what he’d told Chloe the other day.

“And I get that, but I really think you should stay in the group, I think you could do with the support, with this or with anything really,” Tay said.

“I’m fine,” David insisted.

But he knew he wasn’t otherwise he wouldn’t be behaving like this. And Tay already got this better than Leonie. So he knew he should give them a chance. But he was still reluctant. It took him a long time to trust people. He’d been let down too many times in the past.

“I’m not saying you’re not, but you could do with being more than fine though,” Tay said.

“You did say your resolution this year was to make friends,” Leonie teased, prodding him.

He shoved her back. She may not get it, but she did know what he needed and boy was she persistent about it.

“No, I didn't,” David said. 

“Well you should,” she insisted. 

“Fine. Ok I won't quit yet, but I’m not coming to any more cupcake socials,” David said.

Tay clapped their hands together. 

“No. No. That’s clearly not your scene. We’ll build up to the big socials. We can ease you in, you can host the next trans brunch in a couple of weeks, just a small thing. That gives you some time to get ready,” they said. 

“No! Wait no! I don't know what that is, and I'm not doing it,” David said.

Hosting a brunch, he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t cook, no matter how much he argued with Matteo or Leonie that he could. And he wouldn’t do that. How was that easing him in? That wasn’t fair, he’d only just agreed to join the group. He’d rather make cupcakes.

“Ha! Brilliant! Trans brunch yeah, David that sounds right up your street,” Leonie said, winking at him.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” David demanded, glaring.

“You just seem like someone who would brunch,” she said. 

“What's wrong with brunch?” David and Tay asked at the same time.

And that was it for Leonie, she was in hysterics, cackling away beside them. She obviously thought she was hilarious. David didn’t laugh, she wasn’t funny at all. Maybe Tay was more his type of person after all because clearly they had better taste than Leonie. There was nothing pretentious about brunch, or the films he watched, or his art. He was not pretentious. Leonie just had no taste when it came to these matters. Tay obviously did.

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_ David (Monday, 16.33): Am I an asshole? _

_ Matteo (16.34): No? Why? What did you do? How’s Leonie? Don’t let her tell you you’re an asshole, she’s just mean _

_ David (16.35): I was an asshole _

_ Matteo (16.36): To Leonie? _

_ David (16.37): To Tay _

_ Matteo (16.39): from your group, non-binary Tay with the loving parents? _

_ David: (16.40): yeah _

_ David (16.41): kinda went off on them _

_ David (16.45): I snapped at them. Told them they didn’t get it, that they didn’t understand what it was like, basically I was shitty, practically made them cry and reminded them of how much they were bullied at school, just like me. then they still fucking forgave me, I’m an asshole _

_ Matteo (16.55): no you’re not, you have a sore spot when it comes to parents because what Tay’s parents did, accepting them, that was the right thing, that was what you deserved too and it isn’t fair that you didn’t get that. Of course you’re jealous. Of course it seems unfair, and on the surface, I guess it probably does seem like Tay wouldn't get it because they’re positive and more open. you’re a bit negative, closed off, you’re slow to warm up to people, but when you do you’re not like that at all. But David I told you not to do that, judge them, just because one aspect of their life is good doesn’t mean that their life is perfect. that’s not fair David. You said you wanted to make friends this year. You have to try. Tay must have a similar experience to you, at least some of it, more than me or our friends, I just don’t think you should push them away if they want to help you. If they want to be your friend let them, don’t judge them for having good parents, they are lucky you should celebrate that _

_ Matteo (17.21): sorry was that bad _

_ Matteo (17.22): please don’t be mad I’ll take it back _

_ Matteo (17.23): David _

_ Matteo (17.24): David please don’t be mad _

_ David (17.31): sorry I was on my bike, everything you said was right don’t take it back. I came straight over. are you home? I'm outside I need to see you _

_ Matteo (17.32): I'm here come up _

_ Matteo (17.34): why do you always wait outside? you can come up whenever _

* * *

His decision made, the next day David found himself shivering in his shorts and a t-shirt, regretting everything. He had his running base layer on underneath but it was doing nothing. He was stood on the football field at Humboldt campus slowly freezing to death. It was mid-January and he had never been so cold in his life. He could see his breath in front of his face. He stomped his feet on the solid ground, trying to keep warm, but it was useless. Maybe he didn’t like winter that much. Maybe he didn’t like it at all. And come to think of it he was pretty much ready to change his mind about football too.

He'd done warm-ups with the other boys and that was fine but now they were being lectured by the coach about his plans for the year. He’d spoken briefly to him when filling in his application, which wasn’t formal at all. Just a basic details form. But he’d stuttered through an explanation and Erik, a guy in his mid-fifties and a physics professor at the university had just stared at him for a moment. 

But then he’d gotten what David was trying to say, and assured him it was fine, told him it wouldn’t be an issue unless they somehow got to the big leagues. And that he would see soon why there wasn’t a risk of that happening. But as long as David was fit and healthy and keen to play, and not bothered about losing most games, he was perfectly welcome on the team. It was just a bit of fun he’d started over twenty years ago, as a low commitment way for some of his students to unwind and it had grown from there.

As David had walked away from him he realised that was one of the few times he’d gotten to come out like that. Laura had told the school when he’d transferred because he hadn’t been up to it. Even though he hadn’t wanted to, having that control had felt good.

Despite the fact he was rapidly cooling down, David still felt a bit breathless, he wasn’t as fit as he thought he was. A few of the other students around him appeared to be in the same boat.

Erik, despite his earlier attitude, was taking this all very seriously. Well not seriously but he was certainly enthusiastic, and that apparently made him a talker. He’d been talking for about ten minutes now and David could no longer feel his fingers 

The other students were not taking it as seriously, most of them had stopped paying attention. Two boys had actually wandered off, trying to keep warm, lapping the pitch.

“God I'm so hungover,” the boy next to him said.

David glanced over at him, frowning. He did look a little pale, his hair unkempt, swaying where he stood.

“It's four-thirty in the afternoon,” David replied.

“And?” the boy muttered.

Then to his surprise the boy leant against him and relaxed, essentially putting all his body weight on David, the way Matteo did when he was tired. Except this guy was taller than him or Matteo, at least six foot, and a lot heavier too.

David stumbled and braced himself to be able to support the guy.

“I'm Markus by the way,” he mumbled against him.

David hoped he wasn’t going to go to sleep.

“David,” he offered.

“You’re so fresh-faced,” Markus observed, “how do you do it?” he asked.

David shifted again, trying to support Markus as best he could. At least he was warm.

“I dunno, I don't drink in the day,” he said.

“Ugh, what kind of student are you?” Markus demanded.

“Film school,” David said.

“Oh god, you're one of those! Finn! Finn get over here,” Markus shouted, raising his head but still leaning heavily on David.

“Hey want me to take him?” another guy asked, David, presumed this was Finn.

David shrugged and Finn reached out and pulled Markus upright. David sighed in relief and rubbed his shoulder.

“He's a film student Finn,” Markus said excitedly. 

“That's awesome,” Finn said, nodding at David, “it was his birthday yesterday he doesn't usually go so hard, I think he might still be drunk,” he explained.

“That's fair,” David said.

“And he's a good player,” Finn told him, “despite his size he’s actually pretty graceful.” 

“I'm the best! They wanted me for the World Cup but I had to study,” Markus said. 

That could not be true.

“Medicine if you can believe it,” Finn joked.

David grinned.

“Hey,” Markus muttered, he swayed and fell against Finn, who was clearly used to this, holding him with ease.

These guys were fun, they’d obviously known each other a while now, but David felt comfortable around them. This was what he liked about sports, the camaraderie, the jokes.

They hadn't been paying attention, too busy teasing Markus, so when another boy approached them, they were taken by surprise.

“Er... coach wants us in groups of four,” the boy said.

“Ok,” Finn said, shrugging Markus off him, “look alive man,” he muttered.

Markus groaned but straightened up.

David just stared at the newcomer. He never thought he'd see him again. It was Ben, a boy from his first high school. Ben who had made his life hell. Ben who had teased him relentlessly, waited for him outside bathrooms just to laugh at him, called him by his birth name, called him princess and sweetheart, stole his clothes after gym, left dresses behind in their place. He’d thrown tampons at him. And everyone else, the entire fucking school thought he was hilarious. 

David was going to scream. He was going to throw up. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

It was all going to happen again he realised. He saw the recognition dawning on the other boy’s face and knew it was all going to happen again. And coach Erik would do nothing because David was new, why would he stand up for him? The teachers never did. His parents never did. His few friends at his first school dropped him at the first sign of trouble. He had no one, he was foolish to even come here. He was always going to be alone.

So he did what he always did.

He ran.

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_ Matteo (Tuesday, 16.01): meeting with Ingrid went well, I start next week on monday, I'm kinda excited. But nervous _

_ Matteo (16.02): she’s really nice, I'll tell you about it tonight _

_ Matteo (16.03): good luck at football _

_ Matteo (17.37): how did it go? Did you have fun? _

_ Matteo (17.45): what time do you finish? I thought you were coming over, we’re supposed to go to mama’s tonight remember _

_ Matteo (18.05): ok I'm setting off, you can meet me there ok? _

_ Missed voice call Matteo (18.12) _

_ Matteo (18.26): David where are you? Are you hanging out at football instead? I’m not mad but could you please let me know anyway _

_ Missed voice call Matteo (18.45) _

_ Matteo (21.14): I'm going home now _

_ Matteo (22.34): I’m gonna go to bed, I don’t mind if you still want to come over _

_ Matteo (Wednesday, 03.04): where are you David? What’s wrong? _

_ Missed voice call Matteo (03.04) _

_ Missed voice call Matteo (03.05) _

_ Missed voice call Matteo (03.06) _

_ Matteo (03.13): I spoke to Laura, she says you’re home. Couldn’t you have at least told me you were ok? _

_ Missed voice call Matteo (03.16) _

_ Missed voice call Matteo (03.17) _

_ Missed voice call Matteo (03.18) _

_ Missed voice call Matteo (03.19) _

_ Matteo (03.26): David please you’re scaring me _

* * *

He'd hidden in his room long enough, he knew Laura was waiting for him, he could hear her in the living room. She was making noise to let him know he wasn’t getting out of this. He’d stormed into the apartment last night, he wasn’t even supposed to be there. He'd locked himself in his room. Refusing to come out. He'd missed his first class already. He’d ignored Matteo all night. He’d missed dinner with mama. He’d scared Matteo. Badly. But he couldn’t deal with any of that right now. He was going through his own shit. He couldn’t always deal with everything.

He took a deep breath and stepped out of his room. At least he’d only run home, he hadn’t run away. 

Although he’d packed and unpacked a bag three times before finally throwing himself into bed muffling his screams with his pillow. It was currently half packed and by the door. He wanted to run. He wanted to run so badly. But he wouldn’t. He didn’t think he would, but he wasn’t sure yet.

Laura was waiting for him, arms folded, not impressed.

“You wanna tell me what's going on? What happened at practice?” she demanded, marching over to him.

She took hold of his shoulders and glanced him over, obviously looking for signs of injury. Seemingly satisfied, she stepped back.

David just blinked at her.

“David I had Matteo calling me at three am half terrified that something had happened to you so you better tell me what's going on.” 

He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair frustrated. He began to pace the room. Laura walked over to the sofa and sat down, watching him.

“It was fine, it was fun. I was having fun, Laura! It’s so fucking unfair, this is always going to fucking happen isn’t it? I didn’t even get a fucking chance this time,” he spat.

He kicked the sofa. Then he did it again. It hurt. He kicked it again. Laura grabbed him and pulled him away, made him sit down.

“Start again,” she said calmly.

“I was at practice. I made some… friends, or at least they would’ve been, but then…”

“But then?”

“Ben was there, he came out of fucking nowhere,” David said, sinking back against the couch finally, covering his face with his hands.

He was just exhausted.

He felt resigned, that dream was over he supposed. And he’d been having fun. For twenty minutes he’d had fun and really thought he could do it.

“Ben? Ben who? Oh, not… Ben Muller?”

“Yeah,” David muttered.

“Shit,” she said, flopping back beside him.

“Shit,” David agreed.

“Did he say anything?” she asked carefully.

“No or I dunno I ran before I could hear whatever shit he was going to start, but he recognised me, I could tell. He knew who I was. God, he probably told them all and now I can't ever go back. It was going to be so much fun. Fuck!” David exclaimed. “God it felt just like I was fifteen and terrified again."

He buried his face in his hands again, his eyes were burning, he was so close to crying. He wasn’t sad, just so frustrated. He wanted to scream. He wanted to break something.

“He might not have said anything,” Laura said gently.

She placed a hand on his shoulder, he didn’t shrug her off.

“Come on Laura really?” he asked through his fingers, but he allowed her to pull him closer.

“Even if he did, it might be ok,” she said. “The coach knows right?”

“It's football Laura, it's not exactly known for tolerance. It doesn't matter anyway it was a stupid idea from the start.”

It took all his willpower not to shrug her off, taking measured breaths to stay calm.

“I just think-”

“I'm not going back so just leave it,” he muttered.

“David,” she warned.

“I can’t Laura, I can’t go through this again. How many times am I going to have to do this? I’m not strong enough Laura, I can’t do it, you have no idea how it feels, no idea.”

“I know, I know,” she whispered.

He was crying now, angry tears running down his face. He allowed her to hold him close. She didn’t say anything, just stroked his hair until he calmed down. She rocked him slightly as he tried to slow his breathing, stop his tears.

“I can’t do it again,” he mumbled.

“Ok David, I’m not going to make you,” she said gently.

He pulled back eventually and laid against the sofa again. He just felt so done. So resigned to it all. He wasn’t ever going to try again, that was one thing he was sure of.

“Can I ask you one thing?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged.

“Why did you come back here? Why not go to Matteo?”

“Because…”

He didn’t want to admit it.

“You were going to run?”

But she had him figured out. She knew, knew how he reacted to situations like this. She knew exactly how he worked.

“But I didn’t,” he said.

She frowned at him.

“So you’re telling me if I don’t go in there,” she pointed at his bedroom door, “I won’t find a bag packed, ready for you to leave?”

“Half packed,” he mumbled.

“What?”

“It’s only half packed, I kept unpacking and packing all night,” he admitted. “I was gonna go to Mel’s but I didn’t really want to.”

“Well, that’s growth I guess. Why?” she asked.

“You know why, I can’t leave him,” David said.

“You also can’t even call him to calm him down apparently,” she said, he could tell she was annoyed with him for that.

He was annoyed with himself. He shouldn’t have left that to her.

“How bad was he?” David asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“I’m pretty sure he was having a panic attack, I talked him down as best I could but…” she shrugged, there was only so much she could do over the phone.

“Fuck, see that’s why I couldn’t go over,” he said.

“How do you mean?”

“He’s not doing well right now. I couldn’t burden him with this shit too. It’s so hard. Matteo thinks I’m so cool and brave and strong, but I’m not. Not at all. But I feel like I have to be because I don’t think Matteo is very well right now and he needs me to be strong for him. And I’m so worried about him Laura, and I don’t know how to help him, because I don’t even know what’s wrong really. So how can I talk to him about this? And I’m not sure I can handle all of it right now, not on top of this. I just want to forget everything for a bit.”

“One I think Matteo would rather hear your problems than you keep them to yourself. And perhaps if you’re honest about this, he might be able to talk to you about what’s going on with him,” Laura said. “But if you need space to work through your shit, which is fine, could you please at least tell him that’s what’s going on? Because the last he heard from you was that you were going to a football tryout, which you had made clear you were nervous and worried about. Then silence? What the hell is he supposed to think happened?”

“Shit. Ok,” he said, “I just want to hide a little longer,” he said.

She sighed.

“I will tell him you’re ok. But that’s it, David. This is on you. I get that you’re upset, let’s stay in here all day. One day. We can watch all the old movies if you like, we haven’t done that in a while.”

That’s what he used to do a lot. It started when he was small, back when they lived in Furstenberg, near Mel. She’d introduced him to her favourite movies, all classics from the forties and fifties, that she had watched with her mother, and surprisingly David had loved them. Even though he’d only been six or seven at the time and should’ve been too young to appreciate them.

When they’d moved to Berlin, to be closer to his father’s job, Laura had found all those movies online. And whenever things were particularly bad for him, they would just hide away in Laura’s room and watch movie after movie. It always helped a little. Allowed him some reprieve. It was one of the reasons why David wanted to make movies. Just to captivate someone, take their mind off their problems, even if it was just for an hour or two.

* * *

####  **Laura**

_ Laura (Wednesday, 10.43): Hi Matteo, how are you doing today? _

_ Laura (10.45): David is here and he’s ok, he’s going through some stuff but he’ll talk to you soon ok? _

_ Laura (10.47): Please don’t worry. I’m sorry he didn’t contact you, but please let me know you’re ok. you scared me last night _

_ Matteo (10.58): sorry _

_ Laura (11.01): no don’t be sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong. Matteo are you ok? Are you home? Is Linn or Hans there? _

_ Laura (11.06): Matteo? _

_ Matteo (11.07): sorry. I’m ok. I’m home. Hans is here too. _

_ Laura (11.08): good that’s good, David is fine, he’ll talk to you soon or I’ll be talking to him don’t worry _

* * *

####  **Gay Movie Nerds and Peter**

_ Peter (Wednesday, 15.00): hey David are you ok? You didn’t show _

_ Chloe (15.04): yeah we were worried _

_ David (16.17): sorry I'm not doing to good right now _

_ Chloe (16.20): oh no are you sick _

_ David (16.23): no just, some shit going on and I need to deal _

_ Lucy (16.25): well we’re here for you man _

_ Lucy (16.31): if you need it, whatever _

_ David (16.35): thanks _

* * *

####  **Tay**

_ Tay (Wednesday, 19.01): How did practice go yesterday _

_ David (22.07): Bad _

_ Tay (22.08): how bad _

_ David (22.09): really fucking bad but it doesn’t matter I’m not going back _

_ Tay (22.11): let’s meet up soon ok _

_ David (22.12): i just want to forget about it _

_ Tay (22.13): we can do that, let's just hang out _

_ David (22.36): ok _

* * *

David had ignored Matteo all day, and he felt sick with the guilt from it. Matteo hadn't stopped texting throughout the day and he was so grateful. He seemed calmer, messages less frantic. David knew Laura was in contact with him. Keeping him updated, reassuring him. So his texts were less desperate. Just letting him know he was there whenever David was ready. But he obviously wanted David back, and soon.

And David was ready.

He’d wandered the streets for a few hours, slipping out of the apartment as soon as Laura had gone to bed. His feet kept taking him to Matteo’s apartment and then he’d wander away again. But every time he ended up back there, no matter how much he tried to get lost around the streets.

He knew what it meant, knew what it was telling him. It was time to go home. He let himself in with the key Matteo had given him. He knew Matteo was probably sleeping but he needed him too badly. He’d stayed away long enough. It was long past midnight, early Thursday morning. He’d gone a full day away from Matteo. 

He stepped into the dark room, the only light coming in from the streetlights. They cast an orange glow over Matteo’s face and David could see he was still awake. Eyes shining in the dim light. Only just, but he was, he was waiting for him.

“Hey,” he whispered and he wasn’t angry at all, even after all David had put him through.

And that broke David, he started to cry. It was different from the angry, frustrated tears he’d shed at Laura’s apartment. This time it was uncontrollable. Overwhelming, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He couldn’t breathe with it. He gasped and sobbed and shook. 

Matteo got up from the bed, wobbling with exhaustion as he walked over to David and wrapped him up in his arms. David just collapsed into him.

“Hey hey, what's going on?” Matteo whispered.

He walked them both over to the bed, taking almost all of David’s weight, as David could barely hold himself up with how much he was shaking.

Matteo laid him down on the bed and crawled on top of him, pressing him down against the mattress. Boxing him in with his arms. David had done this a couple of times for Matteo, when he was panicking, he never realised how good it felt. How safe.

“It's all so shit,” David whispered.

“So you didn't make the team?” Matteo joked.

And right then, anyone else daring to make a joke while he was this upset, practically hysterical, would have been an asshole. But from Matteo, with his soft smile, and his kind but worried eyes, it broke the tension, just a little. And David knew he could tell him everything.

“Fuck off,” David muttered.

He let out a shaky breath, he was calmer already, the tears subsiding as he lay there covered and protected by Matteo.

“What happened?” Matteo asked.

He rolled off David, and lay close beside him, facing him. Watching him intently. Just waiting, allowing him to gather his thoughts. 

“Ben was there, at practice,” David said finally, he didn’t want to do this, go over it all.

Boy was Matteo going to have to pull this out of him. He would have to drag every single word from him.

“And Ben is?” 

“He’s from my school, my old one,” David explained.

Matteo nodded. 

“Shit,” he muttered.

And Matteo didn’t even know the half of it. He knew the school had been bad, awful for David. But he didn’t know the details, not fully. David didn't want him to. He hadn’t wanted to talk about it ever again. But now he had to. Because it was all being dragged up again. He had to tell his boyfriend every little shitty thing that happened to him so that he’d understand just how serious this was.

“Exactly,” David said.

“And I'm guessing this Ben is not a nice guy,” Matteo said, stroking David’s hair out of his face, stopping him from hiding. He was using all the tricks David usually used on him to get him to talk.

“He made my life hell Matteo, he- he- he-”

“It’s ok, you don’t have to explain, I believe you,” Matteo said.

And he did David realised. He would never make him go into detail over what had happened, never make him relive it. He believed it was hell because David said it was, that was all he needed to hear. David closed his eyes for a moment at the relief.

“But now he's back. Matteo, I really wanted to play. I even made a couple of friends and now he's probably told them. He probably told all of them and now they'll all just think of me as that freak who tried to join the boys' football team,” David muttered.

He sat up, Matteo stayed lying beside him. He shook his head.

“No David, no one will think that. You’re not a freak and you were on the boys' team because that’s where you belong. I don’t know whether this Ben guy told everyone, he might not have, but if he did, it might still be ok,” Matteo said.

He was so fucking delusional. Still ok? How was it ever going to be ok? Matteo needed a reality check. David pulled him upright and shook his shoulders. He was going to show him right now that the world was not this kind happy place he thought it was.

“It will not be ok! You need to stop being such a fucking dreamer. People are not good, ok? People are not good or kind or tolerant and the sooner you realise that the better,” he spat.

Matteo stared at him sadly for a moment. 

“I can't,” he whispered. 

“Well then you're going to be pretty fucking disappointed in life Matteo,” he said, shoving him away.

He needed to calm down. He wasn’t being fair at all.

“David if I thought like that, I think if I viewed the world and people the way you did, I wouldn’t have survived. I would have given up a long time ago, I can't think like that ok? I have to hope and I won't let anyone take that from me, not even you. I know people can be awful ok? I’m not fucking naive. I've not lived some fucking sheltered life in a bubble of kindness in fact fucking far from it. I've seen nastiness and cruelty first hand from people who are supposed to love me the most. So no David I know not everyone is kind. I know that just as well as you. But not everyone is awful, they can't be. They just can't, ok? Some people are good. I won't let you change that, I have to believe people will be kind, maybe it's stupid but I don't care. I won’t let you take that from me,” he cried, tears tracking down his face.

David felt like he’d been slapped. What the hell was wrong with him? Why had he done that?

They were so different, Matteo had been through whatever hell he’d had to deal with as a child, David still didn’t even know. But he’d still come out believing that people overall were good. How Matteo still had hope while battling his demons and memories David didn't know but he was the strongest person he knew.

“Ok,” he whispered.

Matteo looked up at him, eyes shining.

“Ok?”

“I’ll never take that from you. I'm sorry,” David said, reaching for him.

Matteo climbed into David’s lap and pressed against him, breathing hard.

“It's ok you've been through shit,” Matteo said.

“So have you,” David said.

He felt so ashamed of himself, and it was jealousy in part. He could never see the world like Matteo did, never have faith in people. And it made him feel like a lonely scared little boy again. He hated it. 

“It's not a competition,” Matteo said, still crushed against him. 

“I want to be a bit more like you,” David admitted quietly. “But I don’t think I ever can, not after… everything.”

“Maybe we should work towards like a middle,” Matteo suggested.

David pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Then another.

“How do you mean?” he asked

“Like have a bit more faith in people, but keep your reservations too,” Matteo said. “After all, they keep you safe, and you’re right to be wary of people. Honestly, if they’re truly good, they’ll take the time to get to know you, even when you push back.”

That was good because David was always going to be cautious of people. He was never going to trust easily. But he could still try and think that perhaps people would be good. Stop thinking the worst of people. Because that was how he ended up upsetting them. Like with Tay in the park the other day.

“And let's say you try and talk to the guys from football and they're shitty and don't want to be friends with you, oh well it's their loss, they’re shitty,” Matteo said. 

“It's not that straightforward and you know that,” David said, but Matteo’s naive attitude wasn’t bothering him now, much to his surprise.

He wasn’t ignoring David’s fears. He really saw it that simply. He could never see it the same way David did because in his eyes David was the best. And he just couldn’t imagine people hating him, not once they knew him. It may have been foolish but David wouldn’t take that from him.

“I mean I guess, but I just can't imagine anyone not wanting to be friends with you, you're the best,” Matteo said.

And David knew he meant that. That was all that mattered to Matteo, that was his truth and anyone who disagreed with him was wrong. David wished everyone were like him.

“You're biased,” David reminded him.

And he knew Matteo knew this, deep down knew it couldn’t possibly be true, but that he chose to ignore it and have faith.

“I am but I'm not the only person who thinks it,” Matteo said.

“Really who else?”

“Laura,” Matteo said.

“She’s my sister,” David argued. 

“Hans,” Matteo said.

“Hans?”

“Jonas,” Matteo said. 

“Jonas does not think that,” David said.

“He thinks you're the coolest person he's ever met. He's shy of you David like you make him feel uncool. Jonas, you make  _ Jonas _ feel shy and uncool,” he said, shaking his head.

David felt his face heat up.

“No,” he said.

“Yes. Why do you think he’s so awkward around you? Every time you drop in on him at work he texts me right after. ‘David visited me, he’s so cool, he said this, he said that. Did you know he’s into photography too? Or that he likes  _ this  _ band? Or  _ that _ movie?’ Like duh of course I do I’m your boyfriend. And don't even get me started on Carlos and Abdi, that’s just embarrassing,” Matteo said.

He was teasing but it was the truth too. He hadn’t realised that, about Jonas especially. Hadn’t realised he’d made him shy, he just thought that’s how Jonas was. Thought it was just a bit weird because he was Matteo’s best friend, not his. Or that he was just bad at making friends. Apparently not.

“Ok,” David said.

“Give it another try,” Matteo said.

“I'll think about it,” David said.

“Not really much time, your next practice is tomorrow.”

“Ugh,” David groaned.

“I really think it will be ok,” Matteo said. “You want to go back, I know you do, don’t let this asshole take that from you,” he said.

“Fine one more try, but if it all goes to hell, that’s it,” he said.

Matteo nodded.

“David?”

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t do that again,” Matteo whispered.

“What?” David asked.

“Radio silence,” Matteo whispered.

David squeezed him tight and Matteo started to shake.

“David I was so scared. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t calm down. I scared Laura on the phone I think,” he said.

“I'm sorry Matteo, I’m so sorry,” David said.

“And David?”

“Yeah?”

“I know you don’t think I can handle this stuff right now because… because we both know something’s not right with me but not telling me anything just makes it worse. If… if you need space to deal with stuff I get it, and I will try. I won’t push you. I know not to do that now. But you just… I need to know. I want to be there for you, I’m sorry if you don’t think I’m capable of that but-”

“No Matteo! No! I… yeah. I thought you wouldn’t be able to deal with it. And… I didn’t want you to think I was weak. But mostly I just wanted to ignore it and be alone for a while. Before you or Laura tried to convince me it would be ok. I wanted to dwell on the fact that it wasn’t. But not calling you? That was really shitty. In the moment, on Tuesday night I was stressed and panicking, but then I calmed down and I still ignored you because I was still deciding whether or not to run. But yesterday? Having Laura message you instead, I have no excuse other than I was ashamed that I scared you,” David said. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know. I love you, David,” Matteo said.

He would never do that again. Never. Matteo may have forgiven him but he didn’t forgive himself. Not yet.

“I love you too,” he said.

David held Matteo until he fell asleep. He knew he hadn’t slept, had stayed awake since Tuesday because he had too. He settled them down in the bed and stroked his fingers through Matteo’s hair as he drifted off. 

He would go to football tomorrow. He refused to let Ben win. Even though he was terrified. But if it went to hell again, he would just walk away. He wasn’t alone anymore. He had Laura like always, but now he had so many more people rooting for him. And perhaps Matteo would be right, perhaps no one would give a shit. He didn’t have much faith in other people but he did have faith in Matteo. 

* * *

####  **Jonas**

_ Matteo (Friday, 09.16): David is ok, some shit with someone from his old school _

_ Jonas (09.20): shit everything ok? _

_ Matteo (09.21): not really _

_ Matteo (09.22): fancy going to watch some football tomorrow, around 18? _

_ Jonas (09.25): ok? _

_ Matteo (09.26): tell the boys _

* * *

####  **Laura**

_ David (11.16): I’m going to football today. At 18. One last try. _

_ Laura (11.18): You’re so brave, I’m proud of you! Good luck! _

_ David (11.21): Thank you, and thank you for everything, for being there when no one else was _

_ Laura (11.22): Always David _

_ Laura (11.24): Is Matteo ok? _

_ David (11.25): you can ask him _

_ Laura (11.26): i won’t be bothering him? _

_ David (11.27): no he won’t mind, but he’s doing ok. He’s not mad at me _

_ Laura (11.28): Did you really think he would be? _

_ David (11.30): no. but he should be. I would be. You were. _

_ Laura (11.31): not mad, just annoyed. _

_ David (11.32): sorry _

_ Laura (11.33): don’t worry about it now, you just go play tonight and have fun. Let me know how it goes. _

* * *

David felt so sick he was shaking with it. Nerves. He was early, the first one there but he already wanted to run away. He couldn’t do this. What the hell was he thinking? This was all so stupid.

“David my man there you are, you took off pretty quick on Tuesday,” Markus said, clapping a hand on his shoulder.

David’s knees almost buckled, partly because of nerves, partly because Markus was pretty heavy-handed.

“Yeah man, what's up with that?” Finn asked, bumping his shoulder.

“Er, nothing I just... I had to go,” David said.

Why were they still talking to him? They didn’t seem freaked out. David couldn’t tell what they were thinking and it terrified him. He was ready to bolt out of there at a moment’s notice.

“Ok?” Markus said.

He frowned at David, trying to figure him out.

“That guy Ben, was it something to do with him?” Finn asked.

David’s blood ran cold. This was it. This was where they dropped him. Or started calling him names. This was where it all went to hell. Again.

“Did he tell you?” he asked quietly.

“Tell us what?” Markus asked.

Finn just shrugged, confused.

So he hadn’t said anything. David felt relief, of course, he was still on edge, he wasn’t in the clear yet. But still, he was relieved.

“Nothing, I just knew him from my old school,” he explained.

“And you didn’t get on?” Markus asked.

“Something like that,” David said.

“Well we like you, so he can get lost,” Finn said.

“Yeah after you ran away we wouldn’t let him group up with us,” Markus informed him.

That made him smile. These guys were really that great. They barely knew him and yet they were already taking his side. Maybe it really would be ok. Maybe some people were just good.

“Oh,” he said.

“I was worried you wouldn’t come back,” Markus said. “And that would have been bad, we need you, you’re quick, light on your feet.”

“I wasn't going to, er… Matteo made me,” David admitted.

“Who’s Matteo?” Finn asked.

“My boyfriend,” David said.

Finn frowned, eyes narrowed and for a second David worried that he’d misplaced his trust. He tensed waiting to see what he said.

“Oh… is he one of those guys?” Finn said, smirking now.

David turned around. Matteo and the boys were standing at the edge of the field holding up cardboard signs of support.

Matteo’s was just  _ David _ in a big heart. David flushed bright red and looked down at his shoes.

“Yeah,” he muttered.

“That one?” Finn asked, pointing out Matteo.

It was pretty obvious.

“Yeah,” David admitted.

“Do they know it’s not a game right? It's just practice,” Markus said, completely confused.

“Yeah, but they knew I was worried so…”

He was so glad of their support, and he knew that despite Matteo’s utter faith that no one could ever hate him, he still got David’s worry. He didn’t dismiss it, just knew it was something they would always think differently about. He was there with the boys in case it all went wrong. In case David needed them.

“Worried about what? Ben?” Markus asked.

“Yeah,” David said.

“He’s staring at you,” Finn told him.

David closed his eyes. Tried to ignore him.

“Coach is here c’mon,” Finn muttered.

It was a gruelling session, in the end, David was definitely reminded that he’d skipped out on the rest of practice on Tuesday.

They did field laps to warm up and then this time they got straight into it. No lecture. Sprints, ball work in pairs, where Finn and Markus traded off to stay in a group with David. They did a bit of two against two with a guy Emil from Finn’s Maths course. Then they finished with running drills which wiped David out. He was damn near close to collapse by the end of the session.

When the coach dismissed them he wandered over to the side of the field, covered in mud and sweat, and collapsed against Matteo. He must have stunk but Matteo didn’t seem to care. Neither did the other boys, they all bundled into the hug cheering him as if he’d won a big match.

Four hours later and they were still at the bar. David was achy from practice but the alcohol was helping that. He was going to have to cut Matteo off soon. He was trying to keep up with Markus who kept buying him drinks and that wasn't going to end well for Matteo. But they were all having fun. Loud, laughing, and boisterous. 

"So do you have to be a student to play?" Carlos asked. 

"You have to be able to play," Matteo said. 

"I can fucking play," Carlos said.

"He can't," Jonas said. 

“Fuck both of you,” Carlos said. 

“Are there dance groups at the uni?” Jonas asked, “Like for beginners?”

“Yeah I think so,” Finn said.

“Do you have to be a student?” Matteo asked.

David liked it when they did this, Jonas and Matteo, joining up to wind up either Carlos or Abdi. They were so good at it.

“I'm not sure. I don't think so,” Markus said.

“That's probably more your thing then,” Matteo said, “I mean I can't see how you have the coordination-”

“Coordination? You really wanna talk coordination? You fall over standing still!” Carlos yelled, shoving him. 

Matteo just swayed and fell against David who wrapped an arm around his waist to steady him.

“Yeah but I'm not trying to dance,” Matteo countered.

“Well if I try hard maybe my coordination will get better,” Carlos said. 

“It should, if you want it and you practice it should,” David told him.

Jonas and Matteo both groaned at David being sensible. 

“Right then I’m gonna look into it and when I'm a famous dancer you'll all be sorry,” Carlos said.

“What do you mean I'll be sorry? Carlos I'm trying to encourage you,” Jonas said, trying not to laugh.

“Yeah man,” Matteo agreed.

“You were mocking me,” Carlos accused, shoving Jonas.

Jonas shoved him back and David kept hold of Matteo to stop him getting between them. Jonas laughed and kicked at Carlos who did a weird turn and side-step thing, stepping out of Jonas’ way.

“Would I ever?” Jonas asked, throwing an arm around Carlos’ shoulder. 

“Literally all the time dude,” Carlos said. 

“I wouldn't mind learning dancing,” Finn said. 

Carlos grinned at him and nodded.

“I love how generic you're being, just  _ dancing _ ,” David said, smirking at them. 

“Ballroom,” Matteo suggested.

“Or jazz,” Jonas said. 

They both grinned at each other. David laughed.

“Or tap,” Matteo said. 

“Ballet?” Jonas suggested.

“Street?” Matteo said, then he and Jonas burst out laughing. 

Jonas doubled over with it.

“Fuck you both I'll show you,” Carlos insisted.

“Don't worry Carlos we'll come to every one of your shows,” Jonas promised him.

“Where the fuck is Abdi? He'd support me,” Carlos said.

“He's still with that girl,” Finn said, nodding to Abdi who was chatting to a girl at the bar.

Matteo sighed and draped himself over David, he was drunk but he'd stopped drinking at least. 

“Tired?” David asked.

“Exhausted, it’s so late,” Matteo complained, yawning widely. 

“It’s only just gone ten, we should go to a club,” Markus suggested.

For a med student he could party hard, David thought he would be too tired, but apparently not. He was exhausted and he’d only had two lectures that afternoon. But running around for two and a half hours had finished him off. All he wanted to do was sleep. For the rest of the weekend.

“Oh yes!” Carlos cheered. 

“I'm down for that,” Jonas agreed, “get Abdi,” he said to Carlos, who ran at him whooping and cheering.

“We’ll skip,” David said. 

“You can go,” Matteo said quietly. 

“No I'm tired too,” David said.

They gathered outside the bar, saying their goodbyes, Abdi a little put out that he’d been dragged away from Mandi before he could get her number. She had his on her hand though and Carlos was reassuring him that she would definitely call him.

David and Matteo said goodbye to the boys and watched them stumble off to the clubs. Then David wrapped his arm around Matteo, pulling him close so he could stop him falling when he inevitably tripped.

“You could have gone to the club, you could have just dumped me at home first,” Matteo said. 

“I know but I didn't want to,” David promised.

“Why?”

“I’m still feeling a bit on edge, to be honest, I don’t want to go anywhere without you right now,” David admitted quietly, “I know it’s stupid,” he said.

“It’s not stupid,” Matteo said.

“It’s just this whole Ben thing and like the relief that he didn't tell them is just leading to worry if they do find out later, or if he tells them later,” David said.

He tightened his arm when Matteo tripped on the curb, stopping him from faceplanting the road.

“Oh,” Matteo said.

“Like practice was so much fun,” David said.

“Didn't look it,” Matteo said.

“I know. But it was, it felt so good to be working as a team, on my feet running around,” David said.

“Ugh.”

“But what if I get far? I keep playing and then they find out? And I get kicked off the team,” David said.

“You won't get kicked off the team,” Matteo said.

“No, but I can't play with people who hate me,” David said. 

“True,” Matteo said, he stumbled again, he was drunk but not wasted.

They were almost home, they could make it unscathed if David kept a hold of him.

“So I should tell them now before I get in too deep right?” David asked. 

“No.”

“No?”

Matteo huffed and sighed.

“Let’s sit a minute I can’t do this and walk,” he said, pointing to a short wall.

He was somehow swaying, even with David’s tight grip on him. David helped him over and sat down beside him.

“You don't owe it to tell anyone and you are not at all ready. I don't think anyway, but maybe this is something you should talk about with Tay,” Matteo suggested.

“You seem to like Tay,” David said. “Especially as you’ve never even met them,” he said.

“I do though, they put you in your place, and they still like you after you were mean. That’s the kind of patience  _ you _ need in a friend,” Matteo said. “I just think they know these fears you have and can probably advise you better. Like I know how and why you're afraid but it's always kinda objective and an outside view. Plus I'm biased because I can't imagine for a moment anyone hating you,” he said.

“Ok,” David said, coming from anyone else he would resist and argue, but he trusted Matteo, trusted his advice always.

“So talk to them. I think they will help you better than me but here's my suggestion anyway. You tell the guys at football when you're ready not before. They are good guys, I think they’ll probably be chill. But if they're not which I know is a possibility and not that small I do know, then just make your own team and fucking show them,” Matteo said.

For someone who often had such a bleak outlook on his own life, Matteo could be surprisingly upbeat and hopeful when it mattered, he kept it all close to his chest, but deep down, he had such faith in the good of the world.

“Make my own team?” David asked.

“Yeah you and Carlos, Amira says Mohammed and her brothers play, er… maybe some people from your society. Hell if you let Leonie play and you do it co-ed then you'll win every game. I remember when she played hockey in middle school she was terrifying, almost killed a girl twice her size once,” Matteo said, 

“I’ll talk to Tay,” David said.

“Good,” Matteo said, leaning against him.

They would have to move soon or Matteo would fall asleep. And David was too drunk and tired to carry him home.

“I love you,” David said.

“I love you too,” Matteo said.

“Thank you for today you and the boys, it really helped,” David said. 

The moment he’d seen them he knew it would be ok. Because no matter what happened, what went down, they were there for him. They wouldn’t leave him. They would defend him. And it was their opinion that mattered. Not Ben’s or anybody else who decided to be shitty.

“It wasn't too much?” Matteo asked. 

“No. I was so nervous it helped knowing you were there it helped,” David said. 

“I'm always there,” Matteo said, pressing even closer.

He was going to fall asleep soon and then they’d be stuck but he didn’t want to move yet.

“I know,” David said.

Matteo snuggled against him, burying his face in his neck.

“You smell good,” he murmured.

David laughed.

“What? I’m all sweaty,” he said.

“I like it,” Matteo mumbled, sniffing his neck then licking it.

David squirmed and resisted the urge to shove him away.

“Stop it,” he muttered, “I haven’t even showered,” he said.

He felt a bit gross, but not too bad.

“Don’t care,” Matteo said.

He raised his head but stayed pressed against him.

“You just put your clothes on over the top?” he asked.

“Yeah,” David said quietly.

“Makes sense,” Matteo said.

He didn’t really have any other choice there. But it was fine. His clothes were clean, he could just shove them on over the top of his football kit. He could change later and shower whenever he could face it. Not that it bothered Matteo apparently.

“Yeah,” David repeated.

“I’m not complaining,” Matteo said, sniffing him again.

“Jesus Christ you are so weird!” he said, but he didn’t shove Matteo away when he buried his face in his neck again.

They sat there for a little while longer, Matteo slowly drifting off while David held him, quietly thinking about his situation. He would talk to Tay, and maybe they would have advice. Maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they could just sit with him for an hour while he bitched about how unfair it all was, without trying to tell him it was all going to be ok. Because it might not be, no one knew. That could be good. He’d like that.

Eventually, it got too cold and the alcohol was wearing off and they needed to move before they froze. Matteo was somehow asleep and shivering uncontrollably at the same time. So David stood up, dragging Matteo with him, and they headed home, practically carrying his dead weight of a boyfriend all the way there.

* * *

####  **Laura**

_ David (Friday, 23.02): Heeey! _

_ Laura (23.12): so it went well _

_ David (23.13): yuuup _

_ David (23.13): and I'm the best player!  _

_ David (23.14): and Matteo was there with a sign! _

_ David (23.14): He’s my cheerleader! And the boys!  _

_ David (23.15): and Ben didn’t tell and I had fun.  _

_ David (23.16): and I made friends and they don’t like ben because they like me _

_ Laura (23.18): and you’re drunk _

_ David (23.19): I am _

_ Laura (23.21): have fun. Be safe _

_ David (23.22): I'm already home in bed _

_ Laura (23.23): ok then, good night David _

_ David (23.24): good night Laura, you’re the best! _

* * *

####  **Schreibner has no friends**

_ David (Friday 23.52): Thank you for football Sara _

_ David (23.53): it was such a good idea  _

_ David (23.54): I joined the team and I’ve made friends  _

_ David (23.55): and even tho ben is there right now I don’t care _

_ David (23.56): and Matteo is my cheerleader and I had fun FUN _

_ David (23.57): thanks Sara _

_ David (23.59): Leonie you’re the best _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [moodboard for this chapter is here!](http://youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com/post/190304896206/every-version-of-me-dead-and-buried-in-the-yard)
> 
> up next good news, good friends, bad parents...


	3. if it hurt, oh well at least that’s living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was here, it was finally here. Tangible and in his hands. He had read it a hundred times and still couldn't quite believe it was here.

So practice had gone well despite David’s worries. He'd been so nervous but in the end, Ben had left him alone, he’d stared at him, he’d obviously wanted to say something but he didn’t. Maybe they could just leave it alone. Maybe he would forget all about it. Maybe he wouldn’t tell anyone. 

And Finn and Markus had made it clear they wanted nothing to do with Ben either, they'd taken his side even though they didn't know what they were siding against. Matteo had said last night that it was because they were a good judge of character. And that he had good character so why wouldn't they want to be friends with him. He was such a sap. And David totally hadn't flushed and ducked his head, grinning to himself. No, he hadn't done that at all, he was too cool for that. 

But he still wasn't sure, everything felt up in the air. There was still such a high potential for everything to go wrong, come crashing down around him. It all felt out of his control and it was making him anxious. It was why he was out there running instead of in bed resting and nursing his slight hangover. 

He was so pleased with how it had gone last night at practice and at the bar after. He knew it was dumb and that all the boys were his friends. But it felt important to bring his own friends. Friends that he had made himself. And everyone had gotten on really well and David felt like a part of something. He felt like he fit in, with people he never thought he could before. 

Now he was out running, having left a significantly more hungover Matteo grumbling in bed, complaining about the cold. David wasn’t that hungover. More tired than anything. But he felt good in himself. He felt strong and the cold just energised him. He ran without music for once, just the rhythm of his feet pounding in his ears. He was completely in the zone, no idea how long he'd been going or even how far. Barely aware of his surroundings. But it was just after seven on a Saturday, there was no one around. It was too early and too cold. The city was still sleeping. 

Or so he thought.

“Hey! David! Hey!”

David looked around, his concentration was broken. His steps faltered. Because it was Ben, chasing after him. Shit he’d been having a good morning, he thought everything was ok he didn’t need this right now. Why wouldn’t he just leave it be? He was obviously stupid to think he’d gotten away with it. This was why he was so anxious because deep down he knew this was unavoidable. He couldn't escape this forever. 

Still, he could try. 

“Leave me the fuck alone!” David yelled and kept going, but he wasn’t sure if he could outrun him. 

He never used to be able to.

“Wait please just wait,” Ben gasped, struggling to match pace with David.

“Leave me alone!” David hissed, refusing to slow down, but he didn’t have the energy to speed up either. He'd been running for too long already. 

Ben caught up to him and got in front of him, holding out his hands, trying to catch his breath.

David braced himself for a fight, he wasn’t going to go easy. He was going to put up one hell of a fight.

“Please,” Ben gasped, taking a deep breath, and then another.

He was out of shape, David still had his breathing under control. He would use that to his advantage.

“What do you want?” he demanded, stepping back keeping a safe distance between them. 

“I wanted to apologise… for high school… for everything,” Ben said, holding out his hands in front of him, palms up. 

He meant peace and David was furious. 

“Fuck off,” David snapped and made to move past him.

But Ben stepped in front of him again, clearly not wanting to let this go.

“I’m sorry, I am so fucking sorry, I never meant for it to get so bad, I never meant for you to have to leave,” he said.

He seemed so upset but David didn’t care. Why should he? His guilt wasn’t David’s problem, just because he’d finally grown a conscience. Too little, too fucking late.

“I didn't leave because of you, you asshole, don’t feel so fucking special, I left because of all of you, every single one of you. I left because I wanted a fresh start! Because I'm better than every single damn one of you!” he hissed.

“I know but I still shouldn't have been so awful, I’m so sorry… David,” he said.

David closed his eyes, he wanted to scream. Ben had never bothered to use his name before, instead calling him by his birthname or other shitty and humiliating nicknames. And now he was sorry and wanting forgiveness he could finally bring himself to address David properly? How dare he do this?

He suddenly felt exhausted, he wanted to stay angry, but he couldn’t hold onto it, it was falling away, and sadness was creeping in its place. He felt like that sad fifteen-year-old again. Sad and lonely. He felt himself cooling down in the frozen January air and he began to shiver. He just wanted to go home. 

“Just… just leave me alone ok?” David said quietly.

He was done. 

“I will. I just had to say sorry ok? And if you want me to quit the team I will-”

He didn’t need that, he wasn’t going to let Ben guilt him into forgiving him, no matter how pathetic he seemed.

“Just stay away from me, and don’t you fucking dare tell anyone,” David said.

“I won’t. I wouldn't, but don’t you think-”

David stepped forward and shoved him. Hard. Ben stumbled and took a step back.

“Who I want to know is my business and only mine, it’s not relevant to anyone else. Do you understand?”

“Ok. Ok. I’m sorry,” Ben said.

“I don’t forgive you, I don’t have to forgive you just because you feel guilty,” David said.

“I know,” Ben said, head hanging heavily on his shoulders.

“You were a terrible person. It takes more than a quick 'I’m sorry' to fix that,” David said.

“I know.”

“Just just stay away from me,” he said backing away.

“I will,” Ben said.

David walked away and as soon as he was out of sight of Ben he began to run. But he wasn’t running away. Not this time.

It took him twenty minutes to get back to Matteo’s apartment, he hadn’t realised how far he’d gotten in his run. He’d been so concentrated on his pace. When he got back he was breathless, sweaty and exhausted. He certainly felt hungover now, sick and headachey, but most of all he felt exhausted. Bone tired with it all. He wanted to hide. He wanted to be safe. He brushed past a worried Hans and went straight into Matteo’s room, locking the door behind him.

“Matteo,” he said, crawling onto the bed, “Matteo please wake up, I need you, Matteo.”

Matteo groaned and stretched and looked up at him. He frowned and reached out, brushing the tears from David’s face. He hadn’t even realised he’d started crying.

“What’s wrong?” Matteo whispered.

David just grabbed him, pulling him upright and clinging to him desperately. Matteo wrapped his arms around David and held him as he broke down. It took several long minutes for the sobs to subside.

When they did Matteo pulled back, just a little.

“What’s wrong?” he repeated.

“I saw Ben, I was running and he was there,” David whispered.

“Shit did he… are you ok?”

“He apologised Matteo, he fucking apologised, like that’s enough for everything he did, like am I just supposed to fucking forgive him now? So that he can ease his fucking conscience? I can’t Matteo, I can't,” David cried.

“You don’t have to,” Matteo said gently.

“I know,” David said.

“You don’t ever have to, you owe him nothing,” Matteo said.

David nodded and leant into Matteo again. He couldn’t forgive Ben not ever. He may have been sorry now, but that didn’t make up for what he’d done, what any of them had done. David was willing to let it go, to move past it in time. But he wouldn’t forgive.

He sighed and closed his eyes feeling calmer. The panic subsided as he caught up with the fact he was safe. 

"Thank you," he whispered. 

"For what?" Matteo asked. 

"Being you," David said. 

Matteo smiled. 

"I love you," he said. 

David felt the last vestiges of panic fade at those words. They didn't fix anything. Didn't take away all his problems. He was still going to have to deal with all of it. But right now, in this moment, it was all inconsequential. Because Matteo loved him. That was all that mattered. 

"I love you too," David said. 

"Are you going to keep going to football?" Matteo asked. 

David rolled off him and laid down next to him. 

"Yeah. Yes," he said. 

He may not know what was going to happen but he didn't want to give it up. Not without a fight. 

"Good. Can I come watch again next week?" Matteo asked. 

"Oh, you like football now?" David joked. 

He knew that Matteo wasn't at all interested in football. That he just wanted to come and watch David, make sure he was ok. But he appreciated it. It surprised him a little wouldn't have thought he'd ever want a boyfriend hovering over him, protecting him from the bad guys. He could handle that himself.

But that wasn't what was happening here. Matteo was just going to come along and quietly support him, with the boys. Letting him know in his own way that he was there for him. That they were all there for him. They weren't going anywhere no matter what happened and David never had to go through it alone again. 

And David would never tell him no. 

"No, I just like watching you," Matteo mumbled. 

David raised an eyebrow.

"You know… you running around in your shorts, it's hot." 

If Matteo hadn't been blushing bright red David would have hit him with a pillow. But he could almost feel the warmth radiating from his face. So instead he did the only thing he could. Climbed on top him, straddling his hips and leaning down to kiss his overheated cheeks again and again while Matteo squirmed and squeaked beneath him. 

He leant back to let Matteo catch his breath and grinned down at him.

“So, me being sweaty? Me wearing shorts? Should I start a list?” he asked.

Matteo covered his face with his hands and groaned.

“I’m never telling you anything again. It isn’t even just the shorts,” he muttered.

David reached out and lifted his hands from his face. His cheeks were still pink and lovely.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“No,” Matteo said.

“Tell me, please. I’ve had a bad day,” David said.

Matteo rolled his eyes.

“Fucking fishing for compliments,” he muttered.

“Tell me how hot I look playing football, in my sexy shorts,” David said.

“It’s not the fucking shorts! It’s that they show off your legs,” he admitted.

David smirked at him and Matteo refused to look at him getting redder and redder.

“But it’s not even just that,” Matteo said, so quiet he was almost whispering.

David leant forward, pressing his forehead against Matteo’s.

“Tell me,” he whispered.

“Like when you were running around, with the ball? You were moving around and like I could just tell you were so good at it, like being on your feet, balancing and all that. Natural. And you had this look, like angry focused, as you dribbled the ball, I just… it was hot ok?” he said.

And now it was David’s turn to blush. Just stare at Matteo. He really meant it, he was so shy about saying it but it was how he really felt, how he really saw him. David felt warm all over.

He tried to stay cool.

“Did it get you all hot and bothered?” he asked, teasing.

“Yeah,” Matteo whispered.

And David had no more jokes or comments. Well, just one more.

“I’m wearing shorts now, and I’m still sweaty from running, I’m surprised you've managed to restrain yourself,” he said.

Matteo just smiled at him dopily, reaching out and placing his hand on the back of David’s head, keeping him close. As if David could ever pull away.

“I would’ve jumped you the moment you barged in here, if I hadn’t been so sleepy, and if you hadn’t been upset,” he said

David reached out and ran his fingers over Matteo’s ears and then tangled them in his hair, tugging it gently and making him shudder.

“You’re awake now,” David observed.

“And you’re not upset,” Matteo said, hands running down from the back of David’s head, down his back to the hem of his t-shirt.

“Not upset,” David confirmed.

And he wasn’t. Right now he wasn’t upset at all. With Matteo beneath him, looking up at him like he was the best thing he’d ever laid his eyes on, all his worries were forgotten.

* * *

####  **_Matteo_** **🦋**

_Hans (11.02): hey butterfly is David ok? he came rushing in here this morning and he looked upset_

_Hans (11.04): although from all the noise coming from your room you certainly cheered him up_

_Hans (11.32): ok sorry, but seriously is he ok?_

_Matteo (11.43): you know when you finally feel like you've made it? everything is going ok and you finally feel like maybe all that shits over? you're gonna be ok?_

_Hans (11.45): yes?_

_Matteo (11.51): it's like that, and now some asshole from David's old school is back and he knows and everything is uncertain again. and he's a really bad guy and he says he's sorry but how do you trust that? it's just all stress right now_

_Hans (11.55): shit I'm sorry poor David_

_Matteo (11.56): yeah_

_Hans (12.00): does he have someone to talk to? maybe someone who's been through the same thing_

_Matteo (12.05): he does, he joined the gay society at school and he's made some friends and I'm trying to get him to talk to them but boy is he being stubborn about it_

_Hans (12.07): reminds me of someone_

_Matteo (12.08): fuck off_

_Hans (12.10): but for real you both need each other and you trust each other and that's so great. but you need others too_

_Matteo (12.15): I have you_

_Hans (12.16):_ 😭😭😭

_Hans (12.17): before you even think of deleting that just know I took a screenshot_

_Matteo (12.20): whatever. but what I mean is I know I can come to you whenever I'm confused or want advice and shit. David doesn't have that he has me and Laura, Leonie and Sara, and even the boys but we don't always get it, we can't you know? and he thinks he doesn't need it but I know he does_

_Hans (12.22): I am your gay guru and it sounds like what David needs is a trans tutor_

_Matteo (12.23): how the fuck do you come up with these things?_

_Matteo (12.24): but yeah_

_Hans (12.25): well you just gotta keep on at him then convince him_

_Matteo (12.26): I don't want to annoy him_

_Hans (12.27): butterfly nothing you do ever annoys David, but if he tells you to stop then let it go I guess_

_Matteo (12.29): thanks Hans_

_Hans (12.31): anytime butterfly_

_Hans (12.32): you're a good boyfriend Matteo I'm proud of you_

_Matteo (12.33):_ 😊

 _Hans (12.34):_ 😘

* * *

####  **Markus is a baby who drinks too much 🍻⚽**

_Markus invited you to the group Markus is dying_ 🤮

_Markus (Saturday, 13.01): Oh my god I’m dying_

_Markus (13.02): seriously I’m a doctor I think I’ve done damage_

_Markus (13.03): I think I need a new liver_

_Finn (13.05): Stop whining, you’re not a doctor yet either_

_Finn changed the name of the group to Markus is a baby who drinks too much_ 🍻⚽ 

_Emil (13.08): never will be at the rate he drinks_

_Finn (13.09): good point_

_Markus (13.12): fuck off both of you I am suffering here._

_Finn (13.15): David did you and Matteo get home alright last night?_

_Finn (13.16): your friends are fun we should definitely do that again_

_Emil (13.17): Carlos and Abdi are hilarious_

_Markus (13.18): They are_

_David (13.22): yeah we got home fine_

_Finn (13.25): hungover?_

_David (13.30): not too bad, Matteo is worse, don’t buy him drinks again Markus he’s half your size_

_Finn (13.31): everyone is half his size_

_David (13.32): true_

_Markus (13.39): fuck both of you I’m dying_

_David (13.41): drink water_

_Emil (13.45): Do you want me to bring food over Markus?_

_Markus (13.47): oh my god I will love you forever if you do_

_Emil (13.51): twenty minutes_

_Finn (13.52): can I come_

_Markus (13.53): yeah come over, David you’re welcome_

_David (13.55): I can’t get out of bed_

_Finn (13.57): Fair_

* * *

####  **Tay**

_David (Saturday, 15.43): Hey are you still willing to meet up_

_Tay (15.55): absolutely_

_Tay (15.56): everything ok_

_Tay (15.57): I assume not if you’re texting me_

_David (16.01): it’s still this football thing_

_David (16.03): there was a guy there from my old school, he knows about me, he didn’t tell_

_David (16.04): but I’m scared_

_Tay (16.05): ok tomorrow. this needs brunch_

_David (16.36): I can’t host Tay_

_Tay (16.38): no that’s next week, this is emergency brunch I won’t make you host. We can do it at Java’s_

_David (16.39): ok thank you_

_Tay: (16.41): meet there tomorrow. 8._ 😘

* * *

####  **Trans Brunch Club (the ultimate faction) 🏳🌈🍳🥓**

_Tay added you to the group Trans Brunch Club (the ultimate faction) 🏳🌈🍳🥓_

_Tay (Saturday, 17.30): Tomorrow we having emergency brunch, 8, at Java’s_

_Tia (17.45): yeah no way, also that’s way too early_

_Niklas (17.47): what’s the emergency? Also Tia is right, do you even understand the concept of brunch? 8 is breakfast_

_Tay (17.48): the emergency will be disclosed tomorrow, can anyone do 10?_

_Niklas (18.01): I can do 10_

_Jon (18.03): I can too_

_Tia (18.10): still no_

_Klint (18.15): busy_

_Marta (19.23): another time sorry_

_David (20.41): I’ll be there, thanks Tay_

_Tay (20.42):_ 😘

_David (21.01): also faction? Matteo is asking, saying something about skyrim_

_Tay (21.04): tell him I love skyrim too, and yes that and warcraft were my inspiration. the society meets as a whole all the time but we also do like group things too, like all the lesbians do a book club that kinda thing. so last year we made them official factions of the society_

_David (21.07): ok Tay you are the most extra person I've ever met_

_David (21.11): hi Tay this is Matteo on David's phone I don't think it's extra at all I think it's cool. have you considered faction competitions with points and stuff?_

_David (21.13): ignore that_

_Niklas (21.14): who is Matteo?_

_Tay (21.17): David's boyfriend. pleeeeease can I meet him?_

_David (21.18): no_

_Niklas (21.19): I would also advise against that. he sounds like he would only encourage you Tay_

_Tay (21.21): I need no encouragement_

_Tia (21.24): he sounds sweet, also I agree on the points I'm super competitive_

_Tay (21.25): yes Tia_

_Jon (21.32): no but how would we do it we're all in more than one faction?_

_Tay (21.34):_ 🤔

_David (21.37): sorry hi it’s Matteo again, I'm about to be murdered, but basically you could, for each competition choose your faction alignment and contribute points for that competition and then you can do weighted point distribution and I can help with the maths if you like_

_Tia (21.38): don't you dare murder him David he's adorable_

_David (21.40): I never even said anything he's just being dramatic_

_Tay (21.42): well he's given me much to think about_

_Niklas (21.44): oh dear god, we'll have uniforms next_

_Klint (21.45): team names and badges_

_Tay (21.47): Klint I don't know if you're joking but seriously this is happening_

* * *

So the next day David was at an emergency trans brunch. That was how Tay had called it in the group chat. It was just him, Tay, Jon, and Niklas, in a small cafe off-campus. David, as resistant as he was to this entire thing, was pleased to meet them. 

Niklas was a few years older than them, a postgrad, and was there for his wise advice according to Tay. The smartest guy he would ever meet apparently. He was writing a physics PhD so David believed it. 

Niklas wasn’t too happy about the notion that he was their advisor or how many times Tay called him his wise old trans guy. He couldn't tell which part of that offended Niklas the most but he thought it might be the old. He could tell they were close though, he was clearly very fond of Tay, and definitely wouldn’t let him or Jon get away with calling him that.

He would say Niklas was Tay's Hans, although sterner and more serious. Watching them all through his thick-rimmed glasses, dirty blond hair that looked like it could do with a good comb, falling over his face. He looked every bit the academic from his heavy brown shoes to the argyle sweater vest and bow tie. He was wearing a bow tie to brunch. David wanted to introduce him to Peter, thought they would probably get on. 

Jon was the complete opposite, tall, black, and effortlessly cool. Black skinny jeans, oversize shirt covered by a jean jacket. Looked like he'd tossed it all on without thought, but also like he was ready for the runway. His hair was a buzzed undercut, short braids knotted on top. 

David hadn't had braids in a while, Laura used to do box braids for him. He'd loved that. He wondered if he could still pull it off. He usually just kept it short, but it would be nice to show off a little, he had good hair. Wild and untameable the longer it got, but he could braid it again. 

Jon was just cool though. Silent type too, mysterious, the whole thing David had tried to pull off at high school but hadn't quite managed. But despite his quiet nature, he was just as friendly as Tay. 

But he was still uncomfortable here, he liked Tay sure but he still didn’t like doing stuff like this. Matteo was making him go. David was stupid enough to let him know that Tay had suggested it. And he’d pretty much badgered him until he’d begrudgingly agreed to go. But he was right. Matteo could support him, have his back as much as possible but it would help to talk to people that went through the same thing.

His wonderfully supportive boyfriend was still exhausted from Friday. Not socially exhausted this time, just physically drained from yesterday's hangover. Despite staying in bed all day. He was cursing Markus, so David had left him in bed with a coffee and a plate of toast. He had looked pathetic but adorable. 

“Ok so I've called this emergency brunch for David, I know we were going to be doing brunch next week anyway, but now we have an emergency topic,” Tay said, taking off their sunglasses that they apparently wore everywhere.

They must mean business then.

David groaned and buried his face in his hands, but he kind of liked Tay’s dramatics, not that he’d ever let them know that.

“Ok Nik, Jon this is David, he came to the cupcake social a couple of weeks ago, and I can tell we are going to be best friends very soon. But you haven’t met yet so I need to brief you. David doesn't like any attention, or to be part of a group in any way. He's your typical lone wolf. So throughout the brunch, you mustn't look directly at him or he'll probably catch fire or something,” Tay said, winking at him.

“Will you fuck off?” David muttered.

“Never,” Tay said. 

“So what's the emergency?” Jon asked, shaking his head at Tay’s theatrics. 

“Football,” Tay said. 

“Football?” Niklas asked. 

“David's on the amateur team at Humboldt and he's worried about disclosure and stuff,” Tay said. 

“Yeah well you don't have to tell them fucking anything,” Jon muttered, instantly sitting up from where he was sprawled before, tensing, shoulders rounded. 

He was ready for a fight. David's fight. 

“Right but the problem is there's also this guy Ben from my old high school, he’s on the team,” David said. 

Niklas nodded.

“Bully?” he asked.

“The absolute fucking worst,” David said, taking a deep breath.

Tay reached out and squeezed his shoulder. 

“Ok, and he knows?” Niklas asked. 

“Yeah,” David said quietly.

He was good was Niklas, somehow able to get him to talk, and want to. His gentle but curious tone making him want to open up, spill his guts to this clever man who may or may not be able to help him. He hadn't said much yet, but he already felt a lot less unsure about sharing this.

“Okay, but have you talked to him?” Jon asked.

“Yeah we spoke yesterday he was all sorry and he promised not to tell. I don't think he will... but even if he doesn't something will probably happen and I just don't want to go through that again,” David said, taking another deep breath as he tried to stay calm.

But it was hard, thinking about that day at school always made him feel panicky, stressed and ready to run away. 

“Again?” Niklas asked gently. 

“There was a video that went round my last high school, my PE teacher refusing to grade me properly, everyone fucking found out,” David said.

“And how were they?” Niklas asked. 

“I don’t know? I ran away but people were laughing, they were watching the video and laughing. But then Matteo found me and told me it was fine, and all his friends were cool too. And the teacher got in trouble. And then by the time abiprank came no one seemed to care,” David said, and it was true no one had said anything or stared at him. 

But still, he didn’t know what they were thinking and it was hard. No matter how many times Matteo told him it was fine and everyone loved him, it just wasn’t that simple. 

“Ok?”

“But like it still wasn't fair I shouldn't have been outed like that,” David said.

They all nodded.

“Oh absolutely. So your dilemma here is whether or not to tell before your choice is taken from you?” Jon asked. 

“Exactly,” David said.

It wasn’t fair, he shouldn’t have to do this before he was ready, but he didn’t want it taken from him either. 

“Ok but you've only just joined,” Tay said. 

“I know but I really like these guys already and I love playing and I don't want to give that up,” he said. 

“Right I get you. But you don't have to come out right now, you're not doing anything wrong being stealth, and if they find out later and they're your friends then they should get that. And maybe you’ll want to tell them later, and it sounds like you do, once you trust them. Maybe you won't ever tell them. You owe nobody but yourself," Niklas said. 

And this was why they called him wise, not because he was older but just because he'd been through it all already. Would go through it again countless times in his lifetime. 

His advice was sound even though all he was saying was that there was no right or wrong way to do this. Because there wasn't, people were unpredictable and you could never know how they would react, you could guess and judge the situation as best you could, but in the end, a lot of it was just going for it and trusting it would work out. 

"Ok," David said. 

He still didn't know what to do, but that was ok. For now, that was ok. He had time. He wasn't going to tell, he'd be careful around Ben. Keep his eye on him and never trust him, but maybe, just maybe everything would work out one way or another. Because he absolutely wasn't alone, not anymore, not ever again. 

"Doing ok? You're smiling it's disconcerting," Tay said, grinning. 

David smacked their arm. 

"I smile all the fucking time," he said. 

"No? Every time I see you you're scowling,” Tay said.

“Well maybe that says more about me than you,” David said, smirking.

“Oh damn! Nice!” Jon said, holding up his hand for a hi-five.

David met it with a grin. Tay was scowling now, lips pursed, eyebrows drawn down. Niklas reached over and ran a hand over their buzzed head in a mimicry of ruffling their hair. It was pale blue this week. Tay had told him they dyed it every week, blond and then a random colour on top. Had told him their natural hair was similar to David’s and offered to brighten up his. David had declined, but he’d refrained from any sarcastic comment because Tay was so genuine.

“But thank you,” David said quietly.

Tay smiled at him, David couldn’t believe how lucky he was that they’d forgiven him for his shit.

“It’s cool it’s what we’re here for,” Niklas said. “I had no support at all when I was younger and I couldn’t stand to let anyone go through this alone. I know I complain that you all call me old and wise but I do want to be there for all of you. I want you to know no matter what happens, no matter what goes wrong, you have someone to go to. To vent, to cry, or just to chat shit. Whatever you need I’m here. Until next year when I retire due to my advanced age,” he said, laughing to himself.

Tay laughed too and leant against him.

“You’re the best Nik,” Jon said.

“Niklas,” Tay corrected, “only I get to call him Nik,” they said.

Niklas just shrugged and smiled fondly at Tay.

“But now that David is fine,” Tay said, smirking at him, “let's talk faction points.”

All three of them groaned, Jon even buried his face in his hands.

“Now, now, I’m not going to make you do anything, right now I’m just getting opinions,” Tay said.

“Go ahead,” Jon relented.

Tay beamed.

“Ok so it’s definitely happening, but are you all on board? You don’t have to do anything just pledge allegiance to whichever faction you align with most on competition day. Although if you can think of competitions that would be great,” they said, pulling out a notepad, covered in colourful scribbles.

“It does sound like fun,” Niklas said.

“Exactly! It will be fun, even if it doesn't work it’s just fun, David can you get Matteo to join the society? I need his help,” they said, jotting things down.

“But he’s not a student?” David told him.

Tay looked up from their scribbling and frowned.

“Ah um… does that matter?” they asked Niklas.

Niklas shook his head.

“No? I don’t think so,” he said.

“He’s not social though, I asked him if he wanted to come along and he said no, it tires him out, but I could ask him again,” he offered.

To his surprise, Tay let that go immediately, didn’t push like they had with David.

“Ok, that’s fine, don’t push him. He did offer to help with the maths though,” they said, tapping the pen against their pursed lips.

David sighed.

“Do I really have to do brunch next week?” he asked.

Tay just blinked at him.

“Yes?”

“Ok well Matteo will be doing food, so if you come over you can talk maths then,” he said, giving in and accepting his fate.

“Yes! I can’t wait!” Tay said, scribbling frantically.

“Me either,” David said dryly.

“Do you remember when you first figured out you were trans?” Jon asked.

“Yeah?”

“Is this where you pictured your life when you first started your journey? All these years later hosting a trans brunch?” he asked with a smirk.

“Not at all,” David said, shaking his head.

But then when he first started figuring himself out, when he first realised what it all meant, he couldn’t even picture a future, not really. Knowing his parents, the kids at school, he’d known his whole life was going to be a struggle. But he’d been determined, he’d fought for it, fought to get where he was now. He never thought he’d get this. The vague and fuzzy picture of his future was just him, all alone. Laura too, but she would have her own life eventually that he would never get. But then there was Matteo, and Leonie and Sara too. The boys and the girls. And he’d never dreamed of that. 

And it would have been enough, but it would have always felt like something was missing. Taking that risk and stepping out of his comfort zone had netted him friends in his classes, who shared his interest and passion in film. Pushing himself had gained him three mad footballers. And despite his pushback and resistance, he now had friends who just got it. Yeah, their experiences weren’t exactly the same, but nobody’s was. They still understood how it was and what he needed to hear.

* * *

####  **_Trans Brunch Club (the ultimate faction) 🏳🌈🍳🥓_ **

_Tay (14.03): ok excellent brunch everyone_

_Tay (14.04): I think the emergency is at bay for now_

_Tay (14.06): and David has decided to join our faction and as part of his initiation he will be hosting next Sunday_

_Tay (14.08): and as a special treat we all finally get to meet the genius behind the upcoming Faction Wars, Matteo_

_Tia (14.11): omg_

_David (14.14): Tay_

_Tay (14.17): we’ll be on our best behaviour I promise, it’s always chill_

_David (14.19): how many people?_

_Tia (14.20): I’m in_

_Tay (14.22): me too obviously_

_Sasha (14.24): I’m a maybe, I’ll let you know by Wednesday David_

_David (14.25): cool thanks_

_Niklas (14.43): I’m busy sorry, but we should meet up soon yeah_

_David (14.45): absolutely_

_Jon (14.53): I’m probably a yes_

_Tia (14.55): Jon is a yes, ignore his lack of enthusiasm, it’s all fake to seem cool_

_Jon (15.01): cooler than you_

_Klint (15.37): I can make it I have some ideas for faction wars Tay_

_Niklas (15.41): oh dear god this is gonna be a huge thing isn’t_

_Tay (15.42): yes Klint! I’m so glad you’re on board! yes Niklas this is going to be huge, as it should be_

_Tay (15.44): I’m so excited_

_Tay (15.45): it’s gonna be so great_

* * *

####  **_Tay_ **

_Tay (15.54): did you have fun with us today?_

_David (15.57): yeah, I really did Tay, thank you_

_David (16.00): and thank you for not holding it against me, I’m sorry again for being shitty_

_Tay (16.03): don’t worry about that, you’re not nearly as cold and closed off as you were pretending to be, I could see that, and that you just wanted a friend, despite your resistance_

_David (16.05): yeah, well I’m grateful_

_Tay (16.07): did we help today?_

_David (16.10): yeah because there is no right or wrong way to do this is there?_

_Tay (16.12): yeah exactly, I think probably situations like this will always happen, but like you say there are so many ways it can go, so it’s impossible to guess what to do._

_David (16.15): people are unpredictable_

_Tay (16.17): exactly_

_David (16.20): but even though if the people from football are shitty, or people later in the future, as long as I have people I can trust I can get through it like it will be hard of course it will but I’ll survive it_

_Tay (16.23): yeah it’s important to surround yourself with people you do trust_

_David (16.24): so it was so stupid to try and push you away_

_Tay (16.26): but your natural instincts are to push others away, and I guess especially when you’re jealous_

_David (16.27): I was jealous yeah_

_Tay (16.29): but we’re good now_

_David (16.31): yeah we’re good_

* * *

“Don’t make a mess of Laura’s kitchen,” David warned from the table, where he sat on his laptop. He was researching dystopian movies. He had an idea he wanted to run past the group. Well he was supposed to be researching and he did have some notes but he was currently watching Matteo drumming a wooden spoon on the counter, tapping his hand, humming along to a tune David didn’t recognise. David had been watching him for about ten minutes, research forgotten.

Matteo was cooking, practising for Ingrid. It was Monday and he started there at eleven. He was nervous, so he was cooking. A lot. David wasn’t complaining, the food was good, and he was always hungry these days. He blamed the football, even though he’d only been to one full practice.

“It’s your kitchen too,” Matteo argued from the stove.

“Let's be real now Matteo, this is Laura’s kitchen,” he replied.

And of course, that was when Laura walked in.

“And don’t you boys forget it,” she said, “you have a letter,” she added, handing it over to David.

She stepped over to where Matteo stood and peered into the pot.

“Smells good Matteo,” she said gently.

Matteo beamed at her, stilling his fidgeting.

“Thanks,” he said, blushing furiously like he always did when someone offered him praise.

Laura grinned and walked back out of the kitchen. David watched Matteo for another minute before finally looking down at the envelope in his hands.

It was postmarked from the hospital. David frowned, he didn’t think he was due another appointment yet, but maybe he’d lost track of time. But this wasn't his usual hospital either. 

“What is it?” Matteo asked, turning away from the hob to face him.

“I don’t know it's from the hospital,” David said.

Matteo stared for a moment then joined him at the table.

“Well open it then, maybe they've found a donor for your brain transplant,” he joked.

“Fuck off!” David said, kicking him under the table.

Matteo squeaked. David tore open the letter.

He read it.

Then he read it again and his hands began to shake.

He read it a third time just to make sure.

“Fuck,” he whispered.

Matteo frowned at him.

“What’s wrong? Do they only have donkey brains available?” he asked, laughing at himself.

David couldn’t even entertain his joke.

“It's a date,” he whispered.

“A date? With who?” Matteo demanded.

David looked up at him, he looked genuinely annoyed. If this wasn't so serious he would be in stitches at the disgruntled expression on his face. What did he think? David had signed up to some kind of hospital dating thing? 

“A date for my surgery you absolute idiot,” David said, grinning widely at him.

Matteo blinked at him. Then just stared. A frown began to appear on his face just for barely a moment.

“Oh. Oh! David oh my god!” 

David could literally see the moment it clicked for Matteo. His face lit up. David burst out laughing, he couldn’t help it.

Laura rushed back into the kitchen and pulled him up from the table. She grabbed his shoulders tight, causing him to drop the letter. 

“Did I hear that right?” she demanded.

“Yes,” he whispered, “Yes!”

“Oh my god!” she yelled.

She pulled him into a hug squeezing him tightly then pulling back and smoothing her hands over his shoulders. She looked at him proudly, before wiping her eyes. Then she stepped back and he turned to Matteo.

Matteo who was standing waiting to one side, shaking with excitement like it was going to burst out of him. Excitement and joy for David. The moment he grabbed him to pull him in for a hug Matteo started jumping up and down, giddy with it all. And David couldn’t help it, he joined in. They all jumped and leapt and whooped and cheered around the kitchen until Matteo collapsed against him dizzily. And David grabbed his face and kissed him greedily.

He had a date. This was it. 

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_Matteo (Monday, 16.18): David Ingrid is so nice_

_Matteo (16.19): She’s so interesting, she has so many stories_

_Matteo (16.20): oh Aldo the dog is so cool_

_Matteo (16.21): I love him_

_Matteo (16.22): there are two cats Heidi hates me and Greta just sleeps all the time_

_Matteo (16.23): but Aldo David! He loves me follows me everywhere_

_Matteo (16.23): can we get a dog?_

_Matteo (16.24): I think I could convince Hans_

_David (16.25): no Matteo, don't you dare, but I'm glad you're enjoying it_

_Matteo (16.27): I can do this David, it’s not even like work_

_Matteo (16.28): She’s so lonely David._

_David (16.30): It’s good that she has you then_

_Matteo (16.32): Yeah I guess, I’m gonna stay till 17, be home at 18_

_Matteo (16.33): Love you_

_David (16.34): Love you too_

* * *

####  **Tay**

_David (Monday 17.33): guess what_

_Tay (17.35): what?_

_David (17.36): I got a letter from the hospital. I got my date for top surgery._

_Tay (17.38): Oh my GOD! I am so happy for you I could cry_

_David (17.41): Tay_

_Tay (17.45): I’m an emotional person David it is something you’re going to come to love about me_

_David (17.48): I’m sure_

_Tay (17.50) Seriously though I’m so happy for you_

_David (17.52): Me too I just can’t believe it_

_Tay (18.03): Going private?_

_David (18.08): Yeah I have fancy health insurance_

_Tay (18.09): Nice. You’re so lucky_

_David (18.12): I know. I really know. god now I might cry_

_Tay (18.15): Nooo not you too_

_Tay (18.16): Wait you have insurance?_

_David (18.17): Yes_

_Tay (18.19): Parents?_

_David (18.20): They still pay_

_Tay (18.22): Even though they hate you?_

_David (18.23): Yeah well it’s complicated_

_Tay (18.25): Isn’t it always?_

_David (18.27): My mum won’t be happy_

_Tay (18.28): Your dad?_

_David (18.33): Doesn’t care I guess, still pays for stuff so…_

_Tay (18.35): Well maybe he doesn't have a problem with you_

_David (18.37): Well maybe he shouldn’t have kicked me out of the house_

_Tay (18.40): Well maybe he’s sorry for that_

_Tay (19.02): Too much?_

_David (19.05): A bit_

_Tay (19.07): ok we’ll drop it for now, but I’m so happy for you_

_David (20.01): thanks Tay_

* * *

The next day David lay sprawled out on the sofa in his and Laura's apartment. He was annoying Laura, huffing and sighing and fidgeting, unable to focus on his reading. 

He didn't usually sit out there to study, but it was too quiet in his room, he couldn't focus. He could hear every little sound, every creak or groan of the pipes. The occasional traffic outside. He could’ve put on music, he did try but it didn’t really help. Because even though he couldn’t talk, even though he had to focus, he wanted company. He didn't want to sit in there by himself anymore. He'd gotten out of the habit and he didn't really miss it. 

Laura, however, was far quieter than Matteo, not chattering away about random stuff, sitting still, not fidgeting with anything. He’d gotten used to Matteo’s tapping and clicking. Even his wandering around the room. Touching and inspecting all his things in a particular order only known to himself. She wasn’t the same, wasn’t helping, he still couldn’t focus.

Laura rolled her eyes at him, screwed up a sheet of paper and threw it at him 

David scowled. 

"Where's Matteo? Can't you go bother him?" she asked. 

"We do spend time apart," David huffed. 

"Could've fooled me," Laura said smirking at him. 

"We do," David insisted. 

Not much but they did. 

"He's at work isn't he?" Laura asked. 

"Yeah," David muttered, he sank further down into the couch cushions. 

"Aw and you miss him, you're sulking," she observed. 

He wasn't sulking but he did miss Matteo. He'd gotten used to having Matteo's company when he was studying. He didn't like being alone anymore. He was starting to get why Matteo got so distressed being home alone. 

"It's good that he's working, good that he's busy, he needs it. But I want him here," David whined. 

Laura just laughed. 

"You two are just awful. You know I had this exact conversation with him the other day when you were at uni?" she asked. 

David huffed but also smiled to himself, a little pleased, both that Matteo was missing him, and that Laura was happy to keep him company like she was doing for him right now. 

"I don’t even care that you think it's lame-"

"No, I'm happy for you it's nice-" 

There was a knock at the door.

Laura frowned and got up. 

"Matteo?" she suggested. 

"Nah er… he has a key," David admitted. 

"Does he now?" Laura asked, raising an eyebrow before wandering to the door. 

"He gave me one so…" 

Matteo had given him a key to the WG months ago, around the time when David started uni. When David was coming and going a lot. Matteo had stuttered and stumbled over his words, trying to make out that it was just because he was lazy, that he didn't want to keep getting up to let David in. But that was a lie. He admitted with very little prompting that he wanted David over all the time, even if it was late and he'd already fallen asleep. He wanted David to be able to sneak out in the morning for a run or an early morning class then come back to him. 

The very next day he'd gotten a key cut for Matteo. He probably should have asked Laura first but she loved him. 

David frowned when he heard Laura arguing with someone at the door. He sat up but didn't even get to stand before his mother was barging into the living room. 

She was there for him, he knew it immediately. She was just as domineering, as haughty as ever. She looked around their little apartment with disgust. She was a snob, had been as long as David could remember. 

He stared at her, she looked exactly the same. Dark hair tied back tight, it always made her look severe. She stared back at him, grey eyes cold and furious. It was strange, aside from the eyes she looked almost exactly like Laura. If Laura were thirty years older, cruel and unkind, and had never smiled in her life. David looked more like his dad, darker and taller, with the same untameable hair. But again, only if he wasn’t smiling.

"Did you think we wouldn't notice?" she demanded. 

He knew why she was here. It was about his surgery. David was still on his father's fancier medical insurance that he got with work or paid for himself, David wasn't sure. But his dad hadn't taken him off when he'd left. Hadn't taken him off when he filled in the forms at the psychologist’s office. Hadn't declined his testosterone. He didn't need to do it this way, but it was quicker and he would have had another year minimum for his surgery if he hadn't. So he'd gone for it, the worst he could do was decline and David would've had to join the regular waiting list. 

But it had all been approved. He had his first appointment with the surgeon scheduled for two weeks Friday. So why was she here? For a fight David guessed. 

"You really think I'm going to pay for this?" she demanded, gesturing directly at his chest with disgust. 

David shuddered. He glanced at Laura who was poised ready to throw her out. She was just waiting for the signal from David. He shook his head slightly. If his mother wanted a fight she would get one. 

"It's not your money," he spat.

He knew her insecurities just as she knew his. Family was like that. 

"Don't you dare, I don't know what your father thinks he's playing at, it's bad enough he pays for you to pump your body full of chemicals-" 

"Hormones! They're hormones!" David yelled. 

It didn't stop her. 

"But I will be damned if we pay for you to mutilate yourself-”

"Don't you fucking dare, you have no idea-”

"We are not paying for this,” she said coldly.

"It's already paid for,” David said, hating the way his voice came out so small.

Hated that she made him feel this way, that he was standing there about to cry in front of her. 

"I am going to put a stop to this,” she said calmly.

David was frozen, there was hate in her eyes, hate. He couldn't breathe. 

"I am not letting you become even more of an abomination than you already are," she said, looking him up and down, shame clear on her face. 

"Get out!" Laura screamed. "Get out! Get out! Get out!" she grabbed her and dragged her to the door.

David heard them screaming at each other but he still couldn't move. Frozen in place. She hated him. She hated him so much that she would really try and take this from him. 

Suddenly Laura was back in front of him, and then he was in her arms as he broke down. And she held him and promised him it would be ok. He didn't believe her. Right now he couldn't believe her. 

“David don’t run ok? Don’t run,” she begged.

He wanted nothing more than to disappear at that moment, he wanted out. She’d come into his home, the safe space he’d made with Laura and it was as if she’d taken all that warmth with her when she’d left.

“Why couldn't she love me?” David cried into Laura’s arms. “Why couldn’t she love me?”

“I love you. I love you David, so many people love you. Ok? You are loved, you don’t need her,” Laura insisted.

It didn’t help, it didn’t help at all.

* * *

####  **_Markus is a baby who drinks too much 🍻⚽_ **

_Finn (Tuesday, 14.31): Practice at 17 tonight. Wanna meet up before_

_Markus (14.35): Tutorial until 17, I’m gonna be late_

_Emil (14.37): Markus!!_

_Markus (14.45): I fucked up ok_

_Emil (14.46): I can’t make it until 17_

_Finn (14.48): David? Wanna grab a coffee or like take this thing really serious and get a kale smoothie_

_Finn (14.49): no?_

_David (14.55): I’ve got some shit going on, I’m not sure I can make tonight_

_Markus (14.57): David man c’mon_

_Finn (14.59): you ok_

_David (15.01): stressed_

_Finn (15.02): come early, we can run laps, don’t even have to talk about it_

_David (15.05): ok meet you on the pitch at 16_

_Emil (15.23): See you boys at 17, Markus I’ll see you when you can be bothered showing up_

_Markus_ _(15.27)_ **_:_ ** _fuck_ _off_

* * *

####  **Mum**

_Mum (17.12): I wasn’t joking, if you go through with this we’re done_

_Mum (17.13): and your sister is out of control, I assume that’s your influence too, you always were a little brat_

_Mum (17.20): I will be speaking to your father as soon as he gets home. Mark my words he will regret agreeing to this nonsense._

_Mum (17.37): Answer me_

_Mum (17.40): How dare you ignore me?_

_Mum (17.47): You will regret all of this_

* * *

David felt a bit weird letting himself into Matteo’s apartment when he knew he wasn’t going to be there. But he was allowed, he had a key. Matteo said it was fine. Hans had told him many times that he was always welcome there. Right now that's what he was counting on. He thought of talking to Tay, probably would later, but right now he needed to speak to Hans. Because Matteo had told him Hans struggled with his parents too. Not quite as extreme but he didn’t have it easy.

Not that he thought Tay had it easy, he got that a bit better, he just thought Hans would get it. Plus he was the person Matteo always went to for advice, that had to be worth something.

"Hello?" he called out, kicking off his shoes and hanging up his coat on the hook. 

"David? Hi, we’re in here, come join us," Hans replied. 

He headed to the living room, Hans and Linn were on the sofa, Linn laid out, Hans beside her. Her feet were in his lap. They were watching some crime show on the TV. Well, Hans was, Linn looked close to sleep. But they both looked cosy. David smiled and snapped a picture on his phone.

"Matteo isn’t here. My little butterfly is all grown up and working now," Hans informed him. 

But David knew that, he wasn't there for Matteo. 

"I know I er… I wanted to talk to you actually," David admitted, sitting down on the sofa opposite them. 

Hans sat bolt upright dislodging Linn who sat up with a huff, glaring at him. 

"Oh my god, Linn it’s happening!" Hans cried, clapping his hands and grabbing Linn. 

"Get off," she muttered and pulled away. 

"What’s happening?" David asked, confused at Hans' reaction. 

It was a bit dramatic even for him. 

"You’re here to ask for my blessing to marry Matteo," Hans said, clasping his hands together and leaning forward. 

Linn snorted and settled back down on the couch. David just stared, eyes wide. No. No that was… Hans was ridiculous sometimes.

“No! No! I'm not, christ,” David muttered, hiding his face in his hands to cover his blush.

“Oh?”

“You’re not his dad Hans,” Linn reminded him.

“I may as well be,” Hans argued. “And I am his guru, that’s far more important,” he added.

They were getting off track already, he needed to reign this in and fast. He sat forward on the sofa.

“I’m not marrying Matteo and... look that's not why I’m here,” he insisted.

“Oh then you want to move in with him, that makes more sense. Oh, we’ll miss him so much, but I am willing to let him go,” Hans cried.

“No!” David exclaimed, but that wasn’t quite true either. “I mean yes I’ve been thinking about it and one day I want to, but I don’t need to ask your permission. What the hell?”

“Well actually as Matteo's official guru you do need-”

“What did you want to talk about David?” Linn asked, sitting forward cutting Hans off.

“Rude,” Hans muttered, but he didn’t keep it up.

Finally realising it might just be better to let David talk.

“I er… I got the date for my top surgery,” he told them.

Hans clapped his hands together excited for him. Matteo hadn’t told them then. He hadn’t told him not to, but he was glad.

“Wonderful,” Hans said.

“And er… it’s um… so like I’m still on parents’ healthcare, right? And my dad is fine with it, and he pays for my testosterone and stuff,” he said.

“I didn't think you had anything to do with them,” Hans said.

“I don’t but they still pay, I think it’s my dad’s way of easing his guilt or something. Anyway, I justified it in my head that I would take the money now and then just pay them back later and have nothing to do with them again,” David explained.

“Ok, but why are you even on your parents' healthcare? I don’t know what you mean here,” Hans said.

“Er… my dad works in finance, in the city, at some boring fancy company, he gets it as part of his job I think? I don’t really know, but I know he pays and it meant I could get testosterone really quick and I won’t have to go on any waiting lists for surgery, and like I’ll get to have a more expensive surgeon, she’s supposed to be really good.” David said.

“Fancy Mr Schreibner aren’t you?” Hans joked. “Never knew you were so posh.”

David rolled his eyes.

“So it’s all done automatically really if I need to see a doctor I just show my id and quote the insurance number. But obviously the top surgery er… I applied on my insurance but it’s like... because I’m not the main insured person I guess they must have sent a letter to my dad,” David said.

“Oh god has he refused?”

“No, he approved it, because that’s why I’ve got the date. But my mother found out,” David said.

“Oh,” Hans said.

“She really hates me,” David whispered.

Hans stood up from his sofa and came to sit beside him. Linn sighed and joined him after a minute.

“No,” Hans said.

“She does, she’d rather me be miserable. She came over yesterday and told me if I did this she would never speak to me again. She said I was mutilating myself... She’s going to try and get my father to change his mind,” David said. 

He was so frustrated with it all he wanted to scream. He took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. Then Linn sat up and hugged him. She’d never hugged him before. It was nice, gentle. He felt safe. 

“Well if that happens, all you have to do is separate from them legally, you will get your own state insurance and you’ll be covered,” Linn said simply.

David didn’t know if he could do that. He didn’t hate them even now, even with the way they treated him. He just wanted them to love him.

“But then I’ll never see them again,” David said.

“So?”

“It’s not always that straightforward Linn,” Hans said gently.

She shrugged.

“I haven’t spoken to my parents in six years I’m fine,” Linn said, casually.

Hans frowned, he obviously knew the story there. David wasn’t privy to it, and neither was Matteo as far as he was aware. Or perhaps he was but hadn’t shared it. 

“I still speak to mine, they’re coming around but they're taking their sweet time, it can be so frustrating,” Hans said.

“I don’t know what to do,” David groaned, rubbing at his face.

“I think maybe you need to talk to them,” Hans suggested.

“I’m afraid,” David admitted.

“Can you talk to just your father?” Linn asked.

“Maybe,” David said.

Maybe he could. His father had never spoken out against him, never for him either. Seemed just content to ignore the matter entirely. Had pretty much sent David to live with Laura as soon as things got too hard at home. David had assumed it was embarrassment on his part, but yet his father did continue to pay and support him. Maybe he needed to talk to him. Maybe he needed to tell him to step the fuck up and be a proper fucking father. He’d always been a bit absent, always busy, always working. His mother had been busy too. David never really understood why they had him and Laura if they never even had time for them. Maybe it was time they made time for them. Listened to them. David would have to make them.

* * *

####  **_WG_ **

_Linn (Wednesday, 20.34): Matteo how is David?_

_Matteo (20.40): ok? why?_

_Linn (20.42): Didn’t he tell you he came over_

_Hans (20.45): David was here for my guru advising_

_Matteo (20.46): oh he didn’t tell me_

_Matteo (20.47): were you able to help_

_Hans (20.50): I’m sure he will_

_Hans (20.50): and yes I think so_

_Matteo (20.52): that’s good_

_Hans (20.55): he also asked for my blessing_

_Matteo (20.59): for what_

_Hans (21.02): your hand in marriage_ 💍

_Matteo (21.05): fuck off Hans_

_Linn (21.15): he didn’t although I think maybe he wants to move in with you_

_Matteo (21.16): no he doesn’t_

_Linn (21.18): Whatever. But let us know how David is doing_

_Hans (21.22): I mean he practically lives here does he want to be added to the group chat?_

_Matteo (21.25): probably not he says we have too many_

_Hans (21.26):_ 😱

_Hans (21.38): Also Matteo when are you coming home I miss you?_

_Matteo (21.47): I have work, tomorrow night maybe_

_Hans (21.49):_ 💕

* * *

####  **Hans**

_Hans (Thursday, 10.45): hey sweetie, just a heads up Matteo showed up this morning, I know he’s supposed to be working but he showed up and went straight to his room_

_David (10.47): Shit. I have school. Are you able to stay?_

_Hans (10.50): I can’t but Linn is here, she’ll be here all day, don’t worry he won’t be alone_

_David (10.51): Thanks Hans, I’ll be over around 16_

_Hans (10.57): Have fun with your scholarly pursuits_ 😘

* * *

David had quite liked using his key to let himself into the WG yesterday. It felt a bit odd, but also a bit like he lived there too. Which was nice. No one else seemed to be around this time so he ditched his shoes and jacket and headed straight to Matteo’s room. He was early, had skipped out on his last lecture, wanting to check in on Matteo.

“Hey,” he said quietly.

Matteo was on the bed, the curtains were drawn but the lamp was on and there was soft piano music playing from Matteo’s laptop on the floor by the bed. He seemed calm though.

“Hey,” Matteo replied.

“Not at work today?” David asked, climbing onto the bed beside him.

“Tired,” Matteo said, sighing and snuggling against him.

David wrapped his arms around him and started running his fingers through his hair. Matteo sighed and relaxed against him.

“Ok. It’s date night tonight,” David reminded him.

“I know, I don’t think I can cook,” Matteo said, snuggling further into David.

That was fine, as long as Matteo was safe and happy, David didn’t care about food. They could just order something later.

“I can cook,” David offered, knowing he wouldn’t have to, Matteo would refuse.

“I’d rather not die,” Matteo teased.

David would’ve hit him with the pillow but he was so comfy against him, he didn’t want to.

“I _can_ cook, but you enjoy it so I let you,” David said.

“What can you cook?” Matteo asked, twisting so he could look at him.

“Rice,” David said confidently.

He could cook the basics, nothing exciting but he would be able to keep himself fed if he needed to. It’s just that Laura and Matteo liked cooking more, and they made far more exciting dishes

“Rice? Like in a pouch?” Matteo asked, smirking at him.

David gave him a squeeze.

“Fuck off. Yes in the microwave but with vegetables too,” he insisted.

Fine his food was a bit bland but it was edible at least.

“A real delicacy,” Matteo said.

“I’ll order pizza,” David said.

“You can cook if you want I’ll love whatever you make,” Matteo said softly.

He probably would too, he ate all kinds of disgusting shit sometimes.

“I’m ordering pizza, and you will eat it and shut up and one day I will cook for you and you’ll be so impressed you’ll never cook again,” David said.

Matteo just rolled his eyes. Absolutely no respect. 

“Can we get ice cream too?” Matteo asked quietly.

As if David would ever deny him anything. 

“Yeah of course,” David said, stroking his hair. “One of those days?”

“Yeah I just everything was a bit much today,” Matteo said. “I set off to Ingrid’s but just couldn’t stay on the bus. It was so loud. I ended up here. I just wanted a time out, to breathe for a minute… but I just got in bed and couldn’t get up again,” he said.

David nodded. That wasn’t too bad just getting overwhelmed on the bus, and then the exhaustion that followed. They could deal with that. Perhaps figure out another way to get to Ingrid’s. But he’d gotten home safely and calmed himself down. He knew how to do that at least. And when he was ready to talk about it perhaps they could work on techniques for when this happened.

“That’s ok did you call Ingrid?”

“Yeah, she was really nice, told me to take my time, take care of myself but keep her up to date if I can. I think I should be ok for tomorrow,” Matteo said.

David sighed with relief. Matteo's mum was good, she'd chosen the perfect employer for her son. Ingrid was exactly the kind of job that he needed to get him out of the house. 

Matteo needed structure, but one that he could manage, one that didn't fit with most people's nine to five. Working at Ingrid's provided him with a schedule he desperately needed but the flexibility to help him cope when things like this happened. 

He didn't even have set hours but as soon as he'd come home on Monday he'd written out his own timetable. Just having a plan had delighted him. Matteo was a creature of habit and routine and losing school after thirteen years had left him at a complete loss. But he was getting back on track. 

“That’s good,” David said.

“But…”

“But?”

“I was speaking to Amira today,” Matteo said, his voice was muffled where he’d hid his face in David’s chest.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah she called, she said maybe I should talk to someone about this. She said it’s been going on too long, that it won’t go away by itself.”

“Maybe,” David agreed.

This had to be handled carefully, any pressure and Matteo would just close himself off. Refuse to talk about it. David wanted to talk to Amira, warn her not to push too hard. Because yes she was right Matteo probably needed more help than they could offer. 

But Amira could be a bit too forceful sometimes, even when she was trying to help. David wanted to handle this carefully and Amira was in such a rush to help Matteo that she was going to push too hard. David didn't know how to talk to her though, not without going behind Matteo's back 

“I don’t want to, just not yet, is that ok?” Matteo asked.

David nodded, if Matteo needed time to figure it all out, David would give it to him. Of course, he would, they had all the time in the world after all. David was in this for good and if Matteo took months to understand exactly what it was, what he needed that was fine. David would be there, supporting him, just like Matteo did for him. 

“When you’re ready Matteo,” he said, giving him a squeeze.

“Ok, I know I need to but I just-”

“When you’re ready,” David repeated.

Matteo nodded. 

“Hans said you came by yesterday to speak to him,” Matteo said.

David still hadn’t told Matteo about his mother coming to see him. He didn’t really know why, but he’d kept it vague with Hans, he wouldn’t be able to with Matteo. It’s why he never usually volunteered information about this. Because he knew, once he started he wouldn’t be able to stop.

“Yeah,” David said.

“He said you asked for his blessing to marry me?” Matteo asked.

Of course, he did. 

“I did not,” David huffed.

Matteo just laughed. 

“Everything ok?” he asked.

“My mother came to see me on Tuesday,” David admitted, feeling guilty. “Sorry I didn’t tell you,” he added.

“It’s ok,” Matteo said, frowning. 

He sat up slowly and turned to face him. David stayed laying there trying to stay calm. 

“I just… she really hates me, Matteo,” he whispered. “I don’t talk about them because they don’t fucking love me. I just can’t…”

Matteo crawled behind him and took over comforting duties, wrapping his arms around David and pulling him close. David sighed and leant into him.

“I didn’t run away,” he whispered. “They asked me to leave, my father, he didn’t want me there anymore, just said it was best I go. I don’t… they didn’t even try. Just sent me to Laura’s. Got rid of me just like that,” he said.

Matteo held him tighter. David's breath was coming out in panicky gasps now, but he didn't try to calm down. Even though this was so hard to talk about he knew he was safe right now. He could do this, he wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell Matteo and for Matteo to tell him his feelings were valid like he knew he would. 

“I didn’t want to leave... like I had to leave school but I didn’t want to leave them. I wanted to stay and they sent me away. How fucking ridiculous is that?”

“It’s not, it’s not,” Matteo insisted.

“That I desperately wanted to stay with parents who hated me? Yes, it is,” he muttered.

“You want your parents to love you, David, that's normal, and you deserve that, and I’m so sorry that they don’t,” Matteo said.

David just sniffled. He lay there in Matteo’s arms and closed his eyes. Here he was safe. Here they couldn’t hurt him, tear him apart with their cruel words. With their apathy.

“You don’t need them,” Matteo said gently, “I know right now it doesn’t feel like it, but you don’t,” he said.

David knew it was true but right now that didn’t help him. It didn’t make him stop wishing things were different. But he still appreciated what he was saying. It still comforted him.

“Don’t you want to know what she said to me?” he asked.

“I can’t imagine it was anything good,” Matteo said.

“She said my father wanted to pay for my top surgery, but she was going to stop him, she doesn’t want me mutilating myself apparently,” David said.

Just saying the words out loud felt like a slap. He could hear his mother’s cold voice echoing in his head.

“Jesus, your mum sounds awful. What about your dad?” Matteo asked.

“He’s kinda distant, like never around much. Didn't really change that much when I came out, to be honest,” David said. 

He was closer to Laura than him, David had never really tried to get closer to him. He’d always been independent, his fear of not being understood, pushing him to more solitary pursuits. But his dad should’ve tried harder.

“So not a good dad, but not terrible, just absent,” Matteo said.

“Yeah,” David agreed.

He didn’t even know if his dad had a problem with him being trans. Nothing really changed between them, he sent David away, but that was all. He hadn’t yelled at him, hadn't told him he couldn’t transition. Hadn’t even spoken to him about it. Just signed his cheques as always. 

“I’m gonna speak to him,” David said.

He had to, there was no other way to understand what his father thought about all this.

“Yeah?”

“You think I should?”

“I trust you, if you think it’s a good idea you should do it,” Matteo said.

He should have spoken to Matteo earlier. He just listened, he didn’t tell him what to do.

“I’m going to,” David decided.

Matteo just nodded. David was scared but also determined. He had issues to resolve and he couldn’t run away from them. He was going to speak to his dad properly. For probably the first time in his life.

* * *

####  **Amira**

_Matteo (Friday, 01.42): Coach I’m so tired all the time_

_Matteo (01.45): Sorry is it late I can’t figure out the time difference_

_Matteo (01.47): my brain is all foggy_

_Amira (01.50): no it’s midday it’s fine but Matteo it’s almost two in the morning in Berlin rn_

_Matteo (01.53): I feel like too tired to sleep does that make sense_

_Amira (01.59): yeah it does, you’re overtired and it’s stressing you out, stopping you sleeping_

_Matteo (02.03): yeah that makes sense, I’m laying here and I feel exhausted, but my mind is racing I can’t shut it off_

_Amira (02.05): ok so what’s the stress then?_

_Matteo (02.08): I don’t know, everything is good right now, but it scares me_

_Matteo (02.09): I feel like I don’t trust this, that it will hurt so much more when it all goes wrong_

_Amira (02.11): but maybe it won’t_

_Matteo (02.13): but it’s the uncertainty, I can’t know that, I don’t think I’m the guy that gets the happy ending, I don’t think I deserve it_

_Amira (02.17): you deserve happiness Matteo, how long have you felt this way?_

_Matteo (02.19): what way?_

_Amira (02.21): this feeling of not deserving happiness, this feeling like it’s always going to go bad_

_Matteo (02.23): I didn’t text you for therapy amira_

_Amira (02.24): you’re texting me in the middle of the night because you can’t sleep, talk to me Matteo_

_Amira (02.26): I’m not trying to be your therapist I’m trying to be your friend, please talk to me_

_Matteo (02.36): years_

_Matteo (02.38): I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel like this_

_Matteo (02.40): when I first started dating David it stopped for a bit, but I think it was just a distraction, I think I’m always gonna feel like this_

_Amira (02.43): is it worse better or the same right now_

_Matteo (02.45): the same mostly_

_Amira (02.50): ok, I’m not going to suggest you get help because you always shoot me down but what helps_

_Matteo (02.56): David helps_

_Matteo (02.57): I know that’s stupid_

_Matteo (02.58): I know love isn’t a cure or anything_

_Matteo (03.01): but he helps me, talking through my thoughts with him helps me, when I’m stressing he just holds me and calms me down, he always knows exactly how to be there for me_

_Amira (03.03): then talk to him_

_Matteo (03.05): he’s sleeping_

_Amira (03.06): wake him up_

_Amira (03.07): but you’re right, you know, you need to come up with more techniques to deal with this_

_Matteo (03.09): working helps me too, I don’t feel stressed when I’m busy_

_Amira (03.13): that makes sense_

_Matteo (03.15): but it doesn’t work until I’m into it, you know? And sometimes I can’t get into it and I can't do it but I don’t want to give it up_

_Amira (03.20): No of course_

_Amira (03.22): Your boss is good though_

_Matteo (03.25): Yeah_

_Amira (03.27): And if you need the time off_

_Matteo (03.29): She’s absolutely fine but I feel so bad_

_Amira (03.33): No Matteo because if you push it on an off day, then that off day will become an off week and that will become a month, give yourself the time you need to heal and you'll be strong enough to continue working_

_Matteo (03.37): Thanks Amira, I was really worried about it I think, taking time off_

_Amira (03.40): Anytime, I always want you to be able to talk to me_

_Matteo (03.42): We’ve talked about me all night, How are you? Having fun?_

_Amira (03.44): So much fun, I would tell you about it but you need to sleep, Matteo_

_Matteo (03.45): Ok but are you safe yeah, from the fires? I keep seeing about it and it scares me, you being there._

_Amira (03.51): Yes I’m safe, I mean they’re everywhere but I’m ok, I’m in Canberra right now, and I’m here for a bit, I’m going to need to evaluate stuff before I move on because there are so many danger zones, but I’m safe right now. I’ll check in more, keep you up to date._

_Matteo (03.52): Thanks. Can you breathe?_

_Amira (03.53): Yeah I have to wear a mask outside but I’m surviving_

_Matteo (03.55): You’re tough_

_Amira (03.58): But it’s really bad because I’ve made friends with locals and some of them have lost everything_

_Matteo (04.01): Yeah that’s shit, do you feel guilty?_

_Amira (04.03): Knowing I’m just visiting? Yeah a bit_

_Matteo (04.05): God the world sucks_

_Amira (04.06): Don’t think like that_

_Matteo (04.08): No you’re right_

_Amira (04.10): Aren’t I always_

_Matteo (04.12): Shit David’s awake_

_Amira (04.13): busted!_

_Matteo (04.15): ok I have to say goodnight, he’s gonna take my phone and cuddle me until my mind goes quiet and I can sleep, but I already feel better, thank you for tonight_

_Amira (04.17): goodnight Matteo_

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_Matteo (Friday, 11.33): I just woke up_

_David (11.40): You were up so late last night_

_Matteo (11.43): Yeah, I feel ok now though_

_David (11.45): Keep talking to me yeah, and Amira too_

_Matteo (11.46): Yeah you both help me so much_

_David (11.47): We help each other though_

_Matteo (11.48): Yeah_

_David (11.50): Working today?_

_Matteo (11.52): Yeah just a few hours, just getting some groceries and I’m going to take aldo with me so we can go for a walk first. But I’ll be done by 17. I’ll be there for your big game don’t worry_

_David (11.53): I’ll wear my shorts_

_Matteo (11.54): Stop_

_David (11.57): If you get there by 17.30 you can watch me do stretches and show off my thighs_

_Matteo (11.58): David_

_David (12.01): I’m teasing I love you_

_Matteo (12.03): Love you too_

* * *

It had been their first game of the season. Well, barely that and there wasn’t even a proper season. It was just a friendly arranged by their coach between their team and an older amateur team from a couple of local sports centres. It was to test their ability more than anything. David was playing on defence, keeping the other team at bay, away from the goal. He’d never run so fast in his life. It was exhausting but exhilarating.

Of course, he had his cheerleaders, Matteo, the boys, Hanna and Kiki too this time. All of them waving signs. The other team seemed fairly bemused by his little gang of supporters. No one else had anyone coming to watch. David tried to pretend to be embarrassed, but he wasn’t, not really. He was so pleased. He couldn’t even hide it.

The game had gone well, they’d lost, but only just. The other team simply playing better together, having known each other longer. It was harder for them, with people coming and going due to school commitments, but the coach of the other team told them they had something, there was definitely potential there. It felt good. David felt proud.

Despite their loss, as soon as it was over Matteo and the gang rushed the field, whooping and cheering. Matteo and Jonas even tried to lift David, which was ridiculous, they’d clearly seen too many sports movies. Then when they couldn’t, not without dropping him, Matteo threw himself at David instead, kissing him right there in the middle of the field.

Now they were at a bar, drinking. Which David was certain was the main reason why some of the team even came to these things, for the after game drinking. He thought it was fair enough.

Matteo had wandered off for drinks a few minutes ago. David was watching for him returning while listening to Markus complain that he had no cheerleaders.

“I just think, look I think David just played better with you all supporting him man,” he whined.

“I get you,” Carlos said.

“And you know what? I asked some of my other friends, and you know what they said?”

“What man?” Abdi asked.

“They told me to fuck off,” Markus said.

“Man that’s rough,” Abdi said.

“Ok ok, here’s what I suggest,” Carlos began, “David we love you man, so much but I think Markus needs us more here, you know? If we wave signs for him, would that be ok?”

“You could just wave signs for the whole team,” David suggested.

“No I want signs for me,” Markus argued.

“Fine,” David said, rolling his eyes.

He wasn’t upset, more amused.

“Ok Markus, Abdi and I are now your official cheerleaders.”

“Yes!”

He reached out and shook hands with each of them. They were ridiculous.

David finally spotted Matteo, he was talking to someone by the bar. He was frowning. David stared for another moment, confused before he realised. It was Ben, he was talking to Ben. Or it looked more like Ben was talking to him. Ben was upset. Matteo’s frown grew and he shook his head. He made to walk away but Ben grabbed his arm, pleading with him over something. David stood up, realising this was going to escalate quickly if he didn’t intervene.

He’d never seen the expression on Matteo’s face before. It was anger, he’d seen that a few times, when Matteo talked of his father usually, or sometimes when he got frustrated with himself. But this was cold. Cold hard rage. He’d never seen this kind of anger on Matteo. Never once had he thought Matteo capable of hitting someone, but right now if he didn’t intervene there was going to be a fight. Ben had half a foot on either of them, easily bigger than them, but David’s money was on Matteo right now.

He rushed over and put a hand on Matteo’s shoulder, he was thrumming with energy, didn’t even glance at David. David didn’t particularly care if Ben got punched in the face, in fact, he deserved it but he knew Matteo would feel ashamed, once he’d calmed down.

“Walk away Ben,” he said, his voice low and as even as he could manage.

Matteo glanced at him, blinking in surprise. He was shaking under David’s hand.

“Let’s go,” he said gently.

But Ben apparently had no sense.

“No wait please I just-”

Matteo tensed and David stepped in front of him, tightening his grip on Matteo’s shoulder. He used his other hand to turn Matteo’s face away from Ben and make him look at him. Matteo blinked again but his eyes were unfocused. David wasn't sure if he was even seeing him right now.

“David I just wanted to-”

Matteo surged forward, David grabbed both his shoulders now, holding him back. It was a struggle but he held him in place.

“Don’t you fucking talk to him!” he spat. 

Right they had to leave now. Right now.

“Stay away or I’m gonna let go of him,” David warned, before pulling Matteo away.

He managed to get him out of the door fighting the entire way before Matteo shoved him away and tried to get back inside.

David grabbed him around the waist and pulled him back against him hooking his chin over Matteo’s shoulder. He needed to get him to listen. He needed to get through to him.

“Matteo, I need you to calm down, I need you to breathe,” he said gently, right into his ear.

“He- he-”

“He’s gone, let it go,” he said.

“No, I-”

“Matteo he’s gone, he’s gone, I need you to calm down,” David begged.

“I can’t- I- I- David I can’t-”

“Breathe,” David said.

He heard the door open again and tensed, if that was Ben he didn’t think there would be anything he could do. But it was just Jonas.

“What’s going on? Who was that guy?” Jonas asked.

He stepped outside, Hanna behind him. Both of them took one look at Matteo and rushed over. Matteo was straining against David and David was struggling to hold him back by himself.

“Let me go! I need-”

“Don’t let go of him,” Hanna said calmly. “Matteo, can you look at me? Look at me please,” she said so softly.

Matteo looked at her, panting from the strain of struggling against David.

“Matteo it’s safe, you’re safe,” she said.

“David-”

“David is safe he’s right here Matteo,” she said.

“I- I- he-”

“Matteo I’m here, please,” David whispered.

And then it was if all his strings had been cut, Matteo went limp and David’s knees buckled at the sudden dead weight of Matteo in his arms. Jonas stepped forward and together they got him carefully to the ground.

David knelt in front of him.

“Hey,” he whispered, stroking his chin.

Matteo wouldn’t look at him.

“David I-”

“Hush it’s ok,” David said.

“What happened? Jonas asked.

“He wouldn’t shut up David he wouldn’t stop, he- he-”

“What did he say?” David asked.

“Everything, everything he’d done, he’s sorry, he wants you to forgive him, but the things he said the things he did, you can’t ever- I can’t- David I wanted to kill him. I wanted to hurt him.

Matteo looked down at his hands, horrified at himself.

“But you didn’t,” David reminded him.

“Only because you were there,” Matteo argued.

“He was pushing you, Matteo, you tried to get out of the situation,” David said.

“Who is this guy?” Hanna asked.

“Ben from my old school, he used to bully me, he used to make my life hell,” David explained.

Jonas nodded in understanding.

“Let’s go home,” Hanna suggested.

“Ok Matteo?”

He didn’t say anything, but he stood up and slowly they began to make their way back to Matteo’s apartment. Matteo was still refusing to look at him. He held David’s hand tightly though, and every now and then he would glance over at him. Every time he did David would squeeze his hand, but he kept looking away again. Hanna was on his other side, holding his other hand. Jonas was next to David.

At one point Jonas pulled David back, Matteo looked at him when he let go of his hand but then kept walking.

“Matteo is not usually a violent person-”

“I know,” David said.

David didn’t know where Jonas was going, did Jonas blame him? David felt defensive, paranoid, had he brought this out in Matteo? He hated it. He knew Matteo wasn’t violent, his gentle, quiet boy wasn’t violent at all.

“No you don’t understand, I’ve seen him like this before, just once,” Jonas said.

David looked at him sharply. He almost stopped in surprise. Jonas nodded and they kept walking.

“It was just before his dad left. He was yelling at his mum, Matteo’s dad, and she was crying and he kept yelling and I was frozen. I was scared. But Matteo was used to this and he was trying to take care of her, get her away, calm her down. But his dad just kept yelling and… he lost it, David I thought he would kill him. I could barely pull him off,” Jonas said. 

“He hit him?”

“Yeah, I… he just lost it, he was protecting his mum,” Jonas insisted.

“Yeah no I don’t blame him,” David said.

“He was protecting you tonight from this guy,” Jonas said.

And he was, Matteo would never be violent, apart from to protect the ones he loved.

“Yeah,” David agreed.

“He loves you so much, I know, I know it isn’t right the violence... like he shouldn’t be getting into fights for you, and he knows that too just…”

David didn’t really know what Jonas was trying to say here.

“Just… he’s not violent, not usually, you can’t think that he would-”

“Oh. Jonas I know, I know, this was... I’m not even going to repeat what this guy probably said, but I’m not mad or upset with Matteo,” David said.

Jonas looked relieved. Did he really think David would be upset with Matteo? Secretly, and he knew he shouldn't be, but he was a little pleased. Not that Matteo was upset, that he’d gotten so angry, but that he loved him so much that he would fight for him. He knew it was wrong though and that none of this was ok.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo said quietly from where he walked in front of them.

David stepped forward and took Hanna’s place. 

“Sorry for what Matteo?” he asked gently.

“I shouldn’t have done that, got so angry,” Matteo said.

“You were upset, you didn’t lose control, not really,” David said.

“I was fighting you,” Matteo said.

“I know but you were stressed,” David said.

“David I couldn’t calm down, I could hear you but it was like you were miles away,” Matteo said.

“It’s ok,” David said.

“Are you scared of me now?” Matteo asked in a small voice.

And that was what Jonas had been getting at. Because _he_ had been, back when Matteo lashed out at his dad, Jonas was probably scared and didn’t hide it well. But they had been so young. Too young, they never should’ve been in a situation like that, either of them.

“Never. I could never be scared of you Matteo, I promise,” David said.

“Is Jonas? Hanna?”

“No Matteo we’re not I promise,” Jonas said. “We’re not scared of you.”

“Ben was, I could see that he was afraid, but he kept pushing anyway,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, but he doesn't know you, doesn’t know how kind and gentle you are, how sweet and quiet you are. He doesn’t know you, no one knows you like I do Matteo. I know you’re not a violent person,” David insisted.

“I don’t want that to happen again,” Matteo said.

“Ok,” David said.

“If I see him again it might,” Matteo admitted.

“Ok but-”

“But it shouldn't, that's not right David, getting angry like that, it scares me, it’s not ok, it’s not ok,” Matteo said, crying now.

David just squeezed his hand. Matteo didn’t know how to deal with his anger, because he rarely got angry. Or that wasn’t it. He got angry but he internalised it, buried it deep inside. Tonight’s anger was about David, but it was also about his father, it was all the anger he kept bottled up inside. It was bound to explode one day, and someone coming into their lives, threatening those he loved? That was a trigger for him.

And yet Matteo held his calm for longer than he would’ve been able to in the same situation. They could work on it, but it meant Matteo was going to have to speak up, voice his feelings, his emotions. David wasn’t sure if he was the right person for that, but until Matteo was ready to get proper help, he would do his best.

* * *

####  **ok.cool**

_Carlos (Friday, 22.42): Luigi Jonas David where did you go_

_Carlos (22.43): We’re going clubbing with Markus_

_Carlos (22.45): It’s an initiation, as part of me and Abdi becoming his official supporters_

_Abdi (22.47): We are going to be so supportive, I think maybe if he has us he can make it to the big leagues_

_Carlos (22.51) Why don’t they have proper cheerleaders here, like with the dancing and stuff_

_Carlos (22.53): I’d like to do that_

_Jonas (22.57): Sorry guys, David is taking Matteo home and I’m not feeling up to partying anymore_

_Carlos (22.59): Ok_

_Carlos (23.01): Matteo you ok?_

_Matteo (23.31): Not really_

_Abdi (23.33): Is David with you?_

_Carlos (23.34): We’re at the club now Jonas, it’s wild. They wouldn’t let you in any way so enjoy your early night._

_Matteo (23.36): Yeah he’s here_

_Abdi (23.39): He never talks on here_

_Matteo (23.41): Yeah_

_Carlos (23.43): Ok stay safe Luigi_

_David (23.51): Matteo is fine, I’m with him, we’re fine._

_David (23.52): Matteo usually answers first, it’s why I don’t bother_

_David (23.53): Are you really serious about dancing Carlos?_

_Carlos (23.55): I don’t know maybe_

_Carlos (23.56): Not as a job or anything but I like it. Do you think I can?_

_David (23.57): Yeah man_

_David (23.59): Join a club, I know Matteo and Jonas were teasing you last week, but go for it man_

_Carlos (Saturday, 01.56): I’m gonna be a fucking DANCER! This club is sooo WILD I’m dancing on the tables and people cheered and I fucking love it!!! Thanks David I love you so much you’re the best!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [moodboard for this chapter can be found here](http://youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com/post/190442983317/every-version-of-me-dead-and-buried-in-the-yard)
> 
> up next - more brunch, an overdue visit, and sibling stress
> 
> thanks everyone for the wonderful comments, i'm so glad that it's being enjoyed
> 
> quicknote - is anyone reading on a windows computer, i don't use one anymore so i didn't realise until i opened this at work that the emojis don't display like they do on my phone/laptop. yell at me if it's a problem and i'll try and fix it.


	4. and it feels like I'm watching my childhood dreams just fade and die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hadn't seen him in years. Still too hurt the rejection he'd faced. But it was different now. Because he had support now. He didn't need him anymore. He'd gone in there finally strong enough to demand answers but he'd walked away knowing less about their relationship than ever.

David sat at his desk, the early morning light was streaming in through the window, bathing the room in pale yellow and silvers. Casting shadows around the room and a warm glow across Matteo’s face. He looked so peaceful. All the worries of yesterday were gone for now. He knew they had to talk about it still. But not right now. Matteo deserved all the peace he could get. David wasn’t going to disturb him, wasn’t going to wake him yet. He kept shuffling anyway, he would wake soon by himself. It meant David didn't have time to sketch him so instead he grabbed his camera to take a photo. He took a few and then grinned and started filming him.

He crept closer and closer, he reached the bed before Matteo groaned and blinked awake. He scowled when he realised what David was up to. 

“Filming porn?” he quipped. 

David didn’t bite, just chuckled and stepped closer. Shutting off the camera and crouching down beside the bed. 

“Nope just you,” he said softly.

“Why?” Matteo whispered. 

“Because you looked beautiful, in the light” David answered.

“Jesus Christ,” Matteo muttered, his entire face going pink. 

David reached out and rubbed his thumb over his overheated cheeks. 

“Doing ok?” 

“Not really,” Matteo admitted.

David nodded and climbed up onto the bed, he nudged Matteo until he was sitting and then tucked himself behind him, wrapping his arms around him, and entwining their fingers. Matteo sighed and leaned into him. 

“Want to talk about it?” David asked. 

“Not really,” Matteo said. 

“I’m going to see my parents soon,” David said. 

He tucked his chin over Matteo's shoulder so that they could talk in low quiet voices and preserve the calm peace that surrounded them. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah my dad, on Tuesday. Like I have no plan, I’m just going to show up at his work. I want to talk it out, clear the air. But my mum can't be there when I do," he explained. 

Matteo nodded, his hair tickling David’s chin. 

“That’s good,” he said. 

“Jonas er… Jonas mentioned about the time-" 

“I don’t want to talk about it, please can we just forget it?" he whispered. 

He tried to pull away but David held him, not too tight that he couldn't get free if he really wanted to. But he settled down again. 

“Matteo," David said gently. 

“Please David it was when things were bad. It’s over now," he insisted. 

“Is it?" 

“Please stop,” Matteo begged, close to tears. 

David hated this, hated that this was so painful for Matteo but he couldn’t let him keep bottling it up. 

“Jonas said that you lost it like you did last night," he said, closing his eyes when he felt Matteo start to cry. 

He was always so quiet, never made a sound. David hated it. He felt so mean. 

“I won’t do it again,” Matteo whispered. 

“No, no, Matteo, I’m not telling you off, I’m worried about you. I just think you shouldn’t hold in your anger like this. Can we at least talk about what happened? About what Ben said?" he asked. 

“No." 

"Matteo," David said. 

Matteo sighed. 

"He came up to me and I didn't know who he was and he said like how bad he felt about what went down between the two of you. And that he’d tried to apologise but he didn’t think you got it, so he wanted me to understand or something? Like he thought I could get you to forgive him?" 

Ben sure was something. How dare he think that it was ok to approach Matteo like that? 

"Ok." 

"And all I said was that you owed him nothing. But he was just making it all about him and he said how awful he was and how bad he felt. And then he started talking about what he did, like as if to explain why he was feeling so bad. David the names he used, and he stole your clothes. He followed you into bathrooms. He turned your few friends against you. He made you all alone," Matteo gasped, trying and failing to keep his breathing under control. 

David knew which one of those Matteo considered to be Ben's worst offence, knew it was different to his own. He sighed and pressed a kiss to his temple still holding him tight. He'd done this deliberately so that Matteo didn't have to look at him, it was easier for him to talk that way. 

"I just… how could he? How dare he even think he had the right to ask for forgiveness? How fucking dare he?" 

Matteo was getting angry again, but this was good, he would feel calmer afterwards. He needed to let it out in this safe space. 

“Why are you not angry?" he demanded. 

“Because I’ve had years to calm down," David said. 

“I really wanted to kill him," Matteo said. 

“I know, but you never would have," David said. 

“No, but I would’ve hurt him." 

“Once, years ago, I would’ve let you. Would’ve watched on with a smile, would've probably helped you. I would’ve left him bleeding in the street, and Matteo I would’ve done it without guilt. Even now I was tempted, I saw how wound up you were and I was tempted to let you kick the shit out of him. Because I don’t care how sorry he is, he is the worst person I've met, I owe him nothing like you said," David said. 

Matteo tilted his head so he could see David, frowning up at him. David bent slightly and touched their foreheads. 

"Why didn’t you?" Matteo asked. 

"Literally only because of you, I could beat the shit out of Ben. You know what? I could take him, but I won't because I know it's wrong and I don't want the trouble. I don’t want to deal with the grief it would bring me. I would feel nothing though. But for you? After the anger faded? You would be destroyed, it doesn't matter that Ben is the worst person in the world, that isn’t you Matteo. I’m not saying I’m a violent person but I have no qualms about kicking the shit out of someone like Ben. I get angry too, just like you did, but I think I have a better handle on it than you do,” David said. 

“How?” Matteo asked. 

“How what?” 

“How did you learn to control it?” he asked. 

David thought about it. He’d had to, there was no choice. If he wanted a quiet life he had to stay under the radar. He couldn’t kick off every time someone gave him shit, no matter how much he wanted to. He didn’t have that privilege, unfortunately, couldn’t get away with it like all the shitheads at his school. He was the one that the teachers labelled as troubled the few times he had fought back, not the fucking thugs who made his life hell. He brought it on himself apparently. 

“I had no choice, er… at first, I would fight back when the assholes gave me grief. But whenever parents were called it was always turned around on me-” 

“What- what the fuck?” Matteo exclaimed, looking up at him, furious. 

“No I know it’s not fair that’s just how it is-” 

“No-” 

“It's what happened Matteo,” David said. 

David’s arms were around Matteo and Matteo held onto them in a death grip, squeezing them tight. He was angry again, but it felt good. It felt good that he was as angry as he was about this. 

“I… ok sorry carry on,” Matteo whispered, breathing heavily through his nose. 

“I know it’s shit but it’s what happened. But it meant I couldn’t fight back really, I just had to keep my head down, keep myself safe, no matter how much I wanted to kick the shit out of them. But then I would go home angry, when I was wandering the streets breaking into places I would smash everything in sight. I had to let it out somewhere. I yelled at Laura far more times than I was proud of. But I have a better handle on it now, and I know how to deal with it so that it doesn’t overtake me. You don’t," he explained. 

"I-" 

"And it's not your fault, I don’t know if you learnt it watching your parents or it’s just how you react but it's not ok Matteo, it’s not ok to bottle this up. And I know we’ve been avoiding it, talking about therapy and I’m not going to make you go, I would never. But I've done it, therapy. There was my psychologist, for my shots. She helped me come to terms with everything I was going through. And then there were the counsellors at a youth group I used to go to, they talked with me about managing my anger there. I didn’t learn it all by myself, I think you should try it," David said. 

Matteo turned around tired of craning his neck to look at him. He moved so that he was in David’s lap instead. David looped his arms around his waist. 

"Managing my anger?" he asked. 

"No therapy," David clarified. 

"I can’t," Matteo mumbled. 

"Can you tell me why?" David asked. 

"It’s… what if…" 

"Matteo," he said gently. 

He stroked his hand through his hair, letting him know it was ok. 

"They’ll make me talk about everything," he said finally. 

He knew how Matteo struggled with talking, especially with strangers. 

"Look I know it’s hard I get it," David said. 

"No you don’t," Matteo said sharply, finally meeting his eyes. 

He was so scared. He was trembling. David tried to ease the shaking, running his hands up and down Matteo's arms. 

"Then explain it to me," David said. 

“If I tell them… if they know what happened… it’ll cause so much trouble…” 

David was confused. 

“Trouble?” 

“They… it was… mama and papa will get in trouble, I think, because of what happened,” Matteo said, glancing down again, refusing to meet his eyes. 

David didn’t even know what he meant, not quite, but he got the implication and just stared at him, suddenly feeling sick. 

“I don’t really care about papa and he’s in Italy so what if they just go after mama?” Matteo asked. 

“I… Matteo, did they hurt you?” David asked. 

“No… not really… but she was ill, she isn’t well, you know this. But one time I wasn’t careful enough and my teacher called social services. They came round, asked all kinds of questions, made mama cry. It was so awful, but at least papa was kinda around, he was back for that. But this woman, she was throwing around all these words, abuse and neglect-” 

“Matteo,” David whispered, shocked now. 

He’d had no idea, he’d had his suspicions but he’d really had no idea. No idea what Matteo had really been through as a child. 

“But I was more careful after that and when I started feeling like this, you know the way it takes over me, I went to see my doctor for help. But he wouldn’t listen, just kept asking where my mum was. And I just knew, if I did ever speak to anyone, they’d just ask about everything and that horrible woman from social services would come back. I don’t know what would happen now but I’m not risking it. She’s getting better, I’m not going to let them have a go at her about something that happened in the past,” Matteo said, finally stopping to breath and letting out a shuddering breath. 

David just stared, couldn’t even begin to comprehend all that. He knew they’d barely even scratched the surface, but he was finally getting the true picture of Matteo’s childhood. Matteo hadn’t even mentioned what had concerned the teacher enough to alert social services, but it can’t have been good. He wondered if that was when Matteo learned to fade into the background, become quiet and unnoticeable. He held him tight, letting him know he was there. He absolutely hated this but he also felt like they were finally making progress. 

“Ok I… but I don’t think you should be holding off getting help for that reason,” David said. 

Surely they could help him now, without involving social services? 

“Well David I’m sorry that you hate your parents, but I love my mama and I’m not going to do that to her,” Matteo snapped. 

David felt like he’d been slapped, but before he could even respond Matteo grabbed him. 

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry- I didn’t mean that David,” Matteo said, gasping. 

“That was really mean,” David said. 

That had hurt a lot. Because he hated them, yes, but he still loved them, despite himself. 

“I’m sorry,” Matteo begged. 

“You’re being defensive,” David sighed, “but it’s not ok,” he said. 

“I’m sorry,” Matteo repeated. 

He was David knew it. He hadn't meant it either, David was stressing him out, by pushing this, so he’d pushed back. He understood how that felt, and even though that had been one of the hardest conversations they’d ever had David felt better for it. Felt he understood Matteo a little better. He hoped in time Matteo would feel the same. 

“I know, I know. I’m not mad ok, let’s… let’s table this for now,” David suggested. 

Right now Matteo was too stressed, they weren't going to make any more progress, and David was done with pushing him. He was hurting him and he couldn’t bear it any more. Enough was enough, he was going to spend the rest of the day comforting him, just being with him while he worked through what happened last night at his own pace. He’d told him he thought he should try and get help. That he’d had help and it had done him so much good. That was all he could do. Now it was up to him. 

“I…” 

“I’m not mad, and Matteo I’m not letting this go ok? I’m not going to make you go, but if what you’ve just said is the only thing that’s stopping you then I'm going to keep trying to convince you. Look I’m going to try and find out more ok? I don’t even think they would say anything to your mum, you’re eighteen now, and confidentiality is different,” David explained. 

“David I…” 

He couldn’t even speak, David knew he’d scared himself, snapping at him like that. But he wasn’t being mean, Matteo was never mean, except to himself. 

“I know ok, I know,” David said. 

“I love you,” he whispered. 

And he looked so worried that David wouldn’t say it back that David felt like crying. 

“Oh I love you too Matteo, don’t ever doubt that,” he said, pulling him close. 

David felt pretty blindsided by their entire discussion because he’d thought Matteo didn’t want therapy because it was hard. But it turned out he was fully aware he needed it, wanted it even, had tried to get help and had been let down by doctors who didn’t get what he was asking for. And he never pushed for it. All to protect his mother. This poor kind boy, this gentle son. 

It hadn't slipped by David either, what Matteo had said when he’d asked if they’d hurt him. He’d said no, but he’d also said ‘not really’ before launching into his fears.. David didn’t know what he meant by that. But it scared him. Terrified him. Made him want to bundle Matteo up, run away with him and protect him from the cruelty of the world. But he knew he couldn’t do that. Knew he didn’t need to either because Matteo was a little fragile right now, but he was strong, so strong. He was strong enough to support David exactly as he needed it, be there for him every time things got tough. They would be ok, in time they would be absolutely fine. David would make sure of it. 

* * *

**Trans Brunch Club (the ultimate faction) 🏳** 🌈🍳🥓 

_Sasha (Saturday, 11.02): Hey David, count me in for your first initiation brunch_

_Sasha (11.03): sorry I know I promised to get back to you mid-week 😊_

_Tay (11.32): ok so we’ve got Me, Sasha, Jon, Klint and Tia, that’s probably it, not too huge for an initiation_

_Tay (11.33): David are you excited?_

_Tay (11.34): Are you cooking? Leonie has warned me you’re not much of a cook_

_Sasha (11.37): Don’t be mean you’ll scare him_

_Tia (11.45): Yeah Tay don’t comment on his cooking skills when he’s supposed to be making brunch for five_

_Tay (11.51): David are you there?_

_Tay (11.55): Please don’t chicken out_

_Tay (12.05): I can’t wait to try your food_ 🙄 

_Klint (12.15): well done Tay_

_Tay (12.30): David?_

_David (13.33): Hi sorry_

_David (13.36): I’m not cooking tomorrow, Matteo is but we got shit going on_

_Jon (13.39): Everything ok?_

_David (13.41): Ben shit has dragged up other shit, and for Matteo too_

_Tay (13.43): Ok David I totally understand. Look if you want to put off brunch we’ll get it_

_David (13.45): No we’re still on, Matteo is fine, but that’s why I wasn’t replying basically_

_David (13.47): I had to make sure he was ok because you’re all going to be in his apartment_

_David (13.49): But he says he’s ok, and I trust him_

_David (13.51): So yeah we’re still on_

_Tay (13.55): Yes!_

_Tia (14.01): Yay_

_David (14.05): I like how eager you are to meet Matteo but could you tone it down a little when you’re here?_

_Tia (14.07): Awww is he shy?_

_David (14.09): He takes time to warm up to new people, and stuff is a bit hard right now. He says he’s fine but just don’t overwhelm him_

_Tay (14.12): I already promised, we’ll all be on our best behaviour_

_Tay (14.15): But seriously I’m good at reading people, I won’t push, I just want to talk about the maths. Faction Wars is coming along nicely._

_David (14.17): Cool_

_David (14.20): I don’t want to talk about Ben tomorrow_

_Jon (14.26): gotcha, we just gonna eat, chat shit, and tease Tay about their ridiculous geekiness_

_Tay (14.31): Oi! But yeah it’ll be chill_

* * *

Watching Matteo cooking was definitely one of David’s favourite pastimes. Well not so much watching him cook as teasing him, trying to distract him, and trying to steal the food. Although Matteo usually gave in on that one. David was currently sitting on the counter even though Matteo had told him to get down three times now. He was watching him chop the vegetables for whatever he was making. Possibly an omelette. David couldn’t remember, Matteo had been too distracting when he’d explained it earlier, all clean and freshly showered. Hair sticking up where David had kept running his hands through it. 

“So how many people are coming?” Matteo asked, tossing sliced potatoes into the frying pan. 

“Just five,” David said. 

“Ok and who are they?” 

“Ok, so there’s the LGBTQ society that Leonie made me go to a couple of weeks ago,” David reminded him. 

“Right because you and Leonie are up to something,” Matteo said, “to do with Sara,” he added. 

David had told him nothing but Matteo wasn’t stupid he knew something was going on. He also wasn’t interested in gossip, at all, so he didn’t push the issue. 

“We have our reasons Matteo, and all will be revealed in due course,” David said. “But Leonie asked and I figured I should probably join,” he said. 

“You know I was there right? The night before when you were bitching about going but that you had to support Leonie or whatever,” Matteo reminded him. 

“Ok fine I didn’t want to go but I went anyway, and it was fine Chloe was there and that’s where I met Tay, you’ll finally meet them today, they're excited about that,” David said. 

He’d mentioned Matteo enough times now that everyone was pretty keen to meet him. 

“Can’t imagine why. But you always kinda act like you’re above all that, I’m just surprised you’re still keeping it up, don’t get me wrong I’m glad about it,” Matteo said. 

He put all the fried vegetables in a bowl ready, counted the eggs and started grating some cheese. 

“Well the cupcake social was a bit of a disaster, I was kinda rude,” David said. 

“I still don’t get what the fuck that is,” Matteo said. 

“You and me both babe,” David said, shaking his head fondly. 

“I could make cupcakes though if you wanted to go to another one,” Matteo offered. 

He ducked down and pulled a cake tray out of the cupboard, waving it at him. David smiled. 

“Rainbow ones though?” David asked. 

Matteo pulled a face. 

“What no rainbows?” he asked. 

“I don’t like funny coloured food,” Matteo said. 

“What?” 

“Like brightly coloured? It tastes weird,” Matteo explained. 

“Well I mean you could do normal cakes with coloured icing,” David suggested. 

“I don’t like icing, the texture is gross, sticky,” Matteo said. 

“Of course you don’t,” David said fondly. 

He finally jumped down so that Matteo had more space to spread out. 

“So the cupcake social was a disaster, then you were just straight up rude to Tay in the park,” Matteo said, cracking eggs into a bowl. 

“Yeah don’t, I feel so bad about that,” David said. 

“You were projecting, Tay got a read on you in an instant, and you’re friends now,” Matteo said, “you get on great now right?” 

“Yeah, we’re good, er… we text all the time, I still don’t say anything too deep. But like I already feel like I can talk to them about stuff, they were the first person I texted when I got my letter,” David said. 

“Really?” Matteo said, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, I haven’t told anyone else yet, except Linn and Hans,” David said. 

“I haven’t either,” Matteo promised. 

And David knew, knew he wouldn’t tell. 

“I know, and I will tell everyone else but I don’t know it’s weird right?” he asked. 

“No? Oh yeah, I guess because you’re not comfortable with the questions that’ll follow?” Matteo asked. 

Damn him, he just knew. He always knew. 

“Yeah, like Tay didn’t ask anything weird. And Hans? Obviously you know what he’s like but he never asked a single thing that made me uncomfortable, just saw I was stressing about my parents and focused on that,” David explained. 

“Ok then well with Sara and Leonie, just tell them, and say you’re not comfortable answering any awkward questions because it’s too personal to you, but that they can look stuff up yeah, or even just leave it alone I don’t know. And the boys, just I dunno send a text in the group chat they’ll ask shit you know it, but I’ll shut it down. They’ll stop as soon as you say shut up, no need to explain,” Matteo said. 

David nodded. 

“No rush,” Matteo clarified. 

“Can’t you just tell everyone for me?” David whined. 

“Nope,” Matteo said. 

“Fine I’ll tell them soon,” David said, leaning against the counter. 

Matteo pushed him to the side and moved around him. He grabbed some glass dishes from the cupboard and moved David again. 

“Everyone is gonna be excited for you,” he said. 

“Yeah I know, ugh,” David said. 

Matteo just laughed, he got it. Knew he didn't want a fuss or any attention at all about this. 

“But brunch? Bit weird. Not that I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he said. 

“I went to brunch last week remember?” David reminded him. 

“Yeah only because I made you,” Matteo said. 

“I went of my own free will, and now I’m being forced to host,” David explained. 

“Forced?” 

“Ok I offered but I was coerced,” David said with a shrug. 

“Hmm. But this isn’t the whole gay society? You said it was trans brunch right? Is it the trans faction? But there are only five people coming?” Matteo asked. 

Of course, Matteo accepted the faction system immediately, couldn't wait to work on it with Tay. Even though he had no intention of joining. He was just a video game nerd. David wondered if he was going to lose his potential new best friend to Matteo as soon as they met. He didn’t mind. He wanted them to get on. 

“No there's more in the… faction but they couldn’t make brunch,” David said. 

“Because they’re not pretentious?” Matteo asked, as he knelt down and put the grill on to warm. 

“What’s pretentious about brunch? Why does everyone keep saying that?” David demanded. 

“Nothing, it's you that’s pretentious,” Matteo said, grinning at him. 

“I am not pretentious,” David argued. 

Matteo didn’t say anything, just raised an eyebrow so David kicked him. 

“The others can’t make this particular brunch,” David clarified. “But thanks for making food,” he said. 

“Well yeah, can’t have you wiping out the entire society,” Matteo said. 

“I can cook too. Why does everyone say I can’t cook? I don't understand where all these misconceptions are coming from,” David asked. "And I've decided you're not allowed to hang out with Leonie either, you are both mean to me. If you two get together you’ll be so evil." 

Matteo just grinned and hopped up onto the counter, pulling him close. Everything was obviously ready. David allowed Matteo to pull him in, stepping between his legs, ready to wipe that smirk off his face. 

“No one wants frozen pizza for brunch David,” Matteo said. 

David stepped even closer until he was pressed against him. But he didn't kiss him. No, he reached out and dug his fingers into Matteo's sides, making him squeal and squirm, trying to get away. He giggled and pushed David back, immediately pulling him closer again when David pretended to step away. 

“I make it one time,” David muttered. 

“I’m Italian David it was a crime against me,” Matteo said. 

David leant his forehead against Matteo’s, grinning at this ridiculous boy. 

“Stop being dramatic it was fine, you ate it,” David reminded him. 

“I was ill and starving,” Matteo said. 

“Well, there we go-” 

The buzzer went interrupting them. Shit, they were here. They broke apart and as soon as Matteo let go of him David felt nervous. He was not social. He was not a host. This was going to be so awkward. It was going to be a disaster. 

“Go greet your guests then,” Matteo said, gently like he knew exactly what David was thinking. 

“I’m nervous,” David admitted. 

Matteo frowned. 

“Why? Don’t you already know them?” he asked. 

“Yeah, but what do we do? I didn’t think about much apart from the food,” David said. 

Matteo pushed him toward the door. 

“Just be charming,” he said. 

Charming? He could be charming. He walked to the door then rushed back to the kitchen. 

"Wait," he said, looking Matteo over. 

Matteo just stared back. 

"Are you sure you’re ok? With people?" David asked. 

Matteo smiled and nodded. 

"Yeah," he said quietly, "I'm ok," he insisted. 

"Ok but if you need-" 

"Go get your friends David," Matteo said, turning back to the stove. 

David went back to the door and buzzed up his guests. 

When he opened the door Tay stepped in first followed by Sasha, Jon and Klint. They all kicked off their shoes and hung up their coats and scarves before walking into the living room. 

They stopped, peering around. Obviously curious. Tay even took off their trademark sunglasses for a moment, scrutinising the place. 

“Hey is this your place? It’s fancy,” Sasha asked, flicking her long red hair out of her face. 

She was new, so was Klint, David hadn’t met them before. But they’d been talking in the chat since last week and David was excited and nervous to meet both of them. 

“It’s my boyfriend’s, but he’s providing food so it made more sense,” David explained, showing them into the living room. 

“Ah the mysterious Matteo,” Jon said. 

“Where is he?” Tay demanded, jumping onto a sofa. 

"In the kitchen calm down," David said, sitting down and gesturing for everyone to do the same. 

"Poor boy slaving away in the kitchen for your brunch," Tay said. 

David met Sasha's eyes and they both grinned. 

"Are you done?" he asked. 

"I'm done," Tay said. 

“Where’s Tia?” David asked. 

Jon checked his phone as he finally finished snooping and sat down. 

“She’s hungover, might show up, I’m guessing not though,” he said. 

“Wow this place sure is something,” Klint said, looking around again. 

It wasn’t that weird, but Linn was trying out floristry and Hans into everything sixties at the moment, so the place was even more colourful than usual. 

“Yeah that’s Hans and the flowers are Linn’s, they’re Matteo’s roommates,” David explained. 

“I like their style, it's interesting. Very garish," Jon said. 

David didn't know what to say to that. 

“Hey,” Matteo said quietly, walking into the room. 

“Jon likes Hans' style, the decor,” David told him, nodding to Jon. 

Matteo turned to him. 

"Hi, Jon do you think it's perhaps time you booked that opticians’ appointment?" he asked. 

David grinned, Sasha and Klint burst out laughing. Jon just rolled his eyes. But Tay jumped up and bounced in front of Matteo. 

"I. Love. Him. David," they said, taking off their sunglasses again to look Matteo up and down. 

"Hi Tay," Matteo said quietly. 

"Oh my god you know who I am," Tay said, still bouncing. 

"Everyone knows who you are," Klint muttered. 

Tay ignored him. 

"Do you like hugs? Please can I hug you?" they asked instead. 

Matteo nodded, eyes firmly on the ground. David could tell from the tips of his ears that his face was bright red. But still, he held out his arms and allowed Tay to hug him. 

When they broke apart Matteo turned to the rest of them, pushing his hair down over his face. 

"Is anyone veggie?" he asked. 

Everyone shook their heads. 

“Ok er… does everyone eat eggs?” 

“I don’t,” Klint said. 

Matteo looked up then, staring at Klint, then to David who just shrugged. Matteo was frowning like he didn’t quite believe him. 

“Really?” he asked. 

“Really,” Klint said seriously. 

“Are you vegan?” Matteo asked. 

David smiled at that, he seemed so suspicious, staring at Klint, scrutinising him. All his embarrassment at the attention was forgotten as he tried to figure Klint out. 

“No I just don’t eat eggs,” Klint said, unfazed by his curious gaze. 

"But it's brunch?" Matteo said. 

"Don't know what to tell you," Klint said. 

“How about sausages and fried potatoes?” Matteo suggested. 

“Yeah sounds good,” Klint said. 

Matteo nodded, satisfied. 

“Ok cool, does everyone else want frittata?” he asked. 

“Oh god I'm so hungry that sounds amazing,” Tay said. 

“Oh Tia’s outside and she’s starving,” Jon said, waving his phone. 

“Ok tell her to buzz and I'll let her up,” Matteo said, wandering to the door. 

A few minutes later Tia came into the room and collapsed onto the sofa, laying her head in Jon’s lap. 

“Good night?” Tay asked. 

“Shhhh. Also, where’s the food? And I met Matteo, he is even more adorable than I thought, you said he wasn't shy David. He practically ran into the kitchen, ” she said. 

"What did you say to him?" David asked. 

"Told him he was cute," she said, attempting to shrug where she lay. 

"He's not… shy. It's more like he's just quiet, and he just gets embarrassed when people are being nice to him," David explained. 

They all nodded at that, Klint looked particularly serious for some reason. 

“Well he’s adorable,” Tia said. 

“Isn’t he?” Tay agreed. 

“What is this apartment by the way? Is this where you live? It seems a bit much for you?” she said, grinning at David. 

Considering she was terribly hungover she was still pretty chatty. 

David frowned. 

“How do you mean?” he asked. 

“Bit loud, bit garish,” she said, gesturing to the decor. 

"That's what I said," Jon said grinning down at her, playing with her hair. 

Tia just winked at him. 

“Yeah it’s Matteo’s apartment, but the decor is all his roommate's,” David explained. 

“Tia, do you eat eggs?” Matteo called out from the kitchen. 

“I eat everything! Where is the food?” Tia yelled back. 

“It’s nearly done I swear,” Matteo said, “does anyone want tea or coffee or juice?” 

“Coffee!” everyone shouted. 

David got up and headed to the kitchen to help. He was supposed to be hosting after all. 

“You’re good at this,” David said, grabbing the cups. 

“What?” Matteo asked, handing him the pot. 

“Hosting,” David explained. 

“I like it, I like feeding people,” Matteo said. 

“I know but you’re good at it too, you’ll make a great housewife one day,” David teased. 

“Yeah, you bet I will. Gotta keep you happy when you’re coming back from shooting all those blockbusters,” Matteo countered. 

“Yeah well-” 

“Nope! Out,” Matteo said. 

“What?” 

“Get out, go hang out with your friends. I know what you’re doing and stop, they don't care they just want to eat and chat, they're all hungover anyway,” Matteo said. 

“I’m helping,” David insisted. 

“Get out of my kitchen Schreibner,” Matteo said. 

David shook his head and grabbed the tray of cups. He took a deep breath and headed back out. 

Jon and Klint were bickering, Tia looked half asleep where she laid sprawled across Jon’s lap. And Tay was just grinning at everyone, just happy around people as always. 

Matteo was right they were just hanging out, having fun. David just stood there staring. He'd never had friends over. Not like this. He loved all his and Matteo’s friends, he really did but this felt so special. 

“Coffee!” Tay yelled, startling him out of his thoughts. 

They winked at David, grabbing the cup he offered. 

“Don’t be so nervous David, there’s no agenda, just us chilling and stuffing our faces,” they promised. 

“See?” Matteo said, coming out with plates of food, he did it all in three trips, refusing to let David help at all. 

"Thank you, Matteo," Klint said sincerely, "I really appreciate you making me something different," he said. 

Matteo just stood there scratching the back of his neck. 

"Er… yeah no problem," he said. 

“Are you joining us?” Tia asked, finally sitting up and grabbing her plate. 

“Er… no, I have to tidy up and I wouldn’t want to impose,” Matteo said, shuffling away. 

“Nonsense eat with us, you can sit next to me,” she said, patting the space beside her. 

Matteo nodded and headed back to the kitchen to get more food. When he came back he glanced at where David was sitting between Tay and Sasha, and then at the space Tia had made for him. 

“I don’t bite,” she promised. 

Matteo sat down next to her, staring down at his plate. Tia leant over and whispered something in his ear. Matteo shrugged, but he looked up now, smiling slightly. Tia winked at David, who just grinned back. This was so much fun. David watched as Matteo slowly began to chat with Tia, then turned to talk to Tay. 

“Having fun?” they asked knowingly 

David nodded. 

“Are you ok?” Sasha asked. 

“Yeah, I just… this is nice. I don’t even know what… I just… I’m really enjoying it, I didn’t think I would,” he admitted. 

Sasha nodded. 

“What do you mean?” she asked. 

“Just this, just hanging out, just being normal, I just never got that before,” he said. 

He’d always told himself he didn’t need it, didn’t need anyone else. Couldn't believe what he had been missing out on all this time. But no more. He wasn’t alone anymore. 

Tay frowned. 

“But you have friends, you have Leonie right and others too?” they asked. 

“Yeah I do but this just feels different,” David said. 

“You’ve found your people David welcome to your true faction,” Tay said dramatically. 

David rolled his eyes but grinned too. 

“Ok talking of factions Matteo I need you!” Tay said, pulling a huge notepad out of their rucksack. 

They opened it to a page covered in scribbles. Detailed drawings and lots of post-its. Yes, Tay meant business. 

Everyone else just groaned. But David just sat there surrounded by his new friends grinning away like an idiot. He met Matteo’s eye as Tay approached him and he smiled back at him. He was happy for him, happy he’d taken this step, that he wasn’t feeling so lonely anymore. 

* * *

“David finally,” Peter said, as David walked into the room. 

He looked around at the clock. He was exactly on time. Chloe wasn’t even there yet. He pointed this out and sat down next to Lucy. They were in a study studio planning their movie. Last lesson they’d decided to just go for it, write the entire thing at least in rough, then work on all the techniques and incorporate all the visual effects they would be working on this year. Because it would be easier to demonstrate them on something real. They planned to carry it through next year as a project but knew they had the freedom to change it if necessary. It meant hard work and that David really had to pull himself together. 

“I’m not talking about that,” Peter said, “I’m talking about how you’ve been blowing us off,” he said. 

And David knew he had been, kept cancelling on them, he felt bad about it too. So much had been going on, but he’d dropped the ball on this a little. And he had been scared of losing the group. It was why he’d stayed after class, even though all he wanted to do was go back and hang out with Matteo. But Matteo had been fine yesterday at brunch. It was David that was feeling a little on edge now. He had to see his dad tomorrow for the first time in two years and it was making him nervous. 

So he'd tried to hang back telling Matteo he would stay there with him and make sure he was definitely ok after Friday. But Matteo had told him to stop fussing and go to his meetup. So here he was. 

“Sorry… I just, there’s been a lot going on,” he said. 

“Everything ok?” Lucy asked, looking up at him, the bored expression vanishing from her face, just for a moment. 

David stared, wondering if she really wanted to know. He guessed yes. 

“Not really,” he admitted, “it’s just a… a lot,” he said. 

“Ok David, sorry,” Peter said, “if you need to talk you can, if not that’s fine too, no worries,” he said. 

David found himself wanting to talk, not about everything, but just to explain himself. Let them know he was committed to this. But he didn’t really know where to start. 

“Just shit with my parents, and this asshole guy from my old school,” David began. 

“Oh that’s shit,” Chloe said, dropping down beside Peter. “Transphobes?” she asked. 

“Er… yeah pretty much,” he said. 

Lucy just looked back at him. 

"Ok so with Ben he's on my football team and even though he said he won't tell, he said he's sorry and he wants forgiveness," David explained. 

"And you're not ready to forgive him?" Chloe asked. 

"I don't think I'll ever be ready, I really don't think I can," David said. "Chloe he was awful to me," he said. 

"That's fine you know David, anyway forgiveness has to be earned yeah? You can't just say sorry and hope for the best. You can't expect that to wipe the slate clean. I'm sure you know this already but you owe him nothing," Peter said. 

He reached out and squeezed his shoulder. It was comforting. 

"Thanks, Peter, so yeah he's hassling me for forgiveness," David said. “But like I said it’s not happening.” 

Chloe nodded. 

“Ok but what else?” she asked. 

“Er… I got my date for top surgery which is amazing and I was so excited for it, but then my mum comes along and basically says to me she’s going to do everything in her power to stop it happening. So now tomorrow I have to go see my dad and beg him to still pay for this. So yeah, that was last week for me,” he said. 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. But he was mostly calm. 

“Jesus wow your mum, I don’t even know what to say,” Chloe said. 

“Look you need anyone killed, I'm your girl,” Lucy said. 

David wasn’t sure if she was, sometimes she seemed so tough, but then she said something that made her seem like an absolute softy. People weren’t one dimensional he reminded himself. 

“Er, thanks… but yeah I’m sorry for blowing you off. But I kind of don’t really want to keep talking about it, if you don’t mind,” David said. 

“No worries,” Peter said, “We've got a movie to write anyway, this isn’t a therapy session,” he said. 

David chuckled, Peter wasn’t being cold either, he could tell David was uncomfortable and was moving the conversation on. 

“So concept,” Peter said. 

“Something gay,” Chloe said. 

Lucy rolled her eyes. 

“Expand please,” Peter said. 

Chloe just laughed and then began making suggestions, Lucy started chipping in too. Peter nodded thoughtfully and wrote everything down. David stayed quiet, he had an idea but it was only just forming, and he didn’t know if he could voice it. But then Peter pulled him out of his head. 

“David what about you?” 

David shrugged. 

“If you could make a film about your life, or something important to you what would you make it about?” Peter asked. 

“I never thought I'd say this but… if we’re doing the gay thing then maybe being trans and trans stuff. I want to make it, I want to show them,” he muttered. 

“I’m down with that,” Chloe said. 

Peter wrote it down. 

“But not some fucking tragedy either, like not about how difficult and tragic our lives are, we already know its hard,” David explained. 

“Good this is good,” Peter said, scribbling away. “Not the main focus?” 

“No, a character who is trans but has a full life or… like being trans isn’t his plot point he just is, you know?” 

“I love it. Maybe…” Chloe paused, thinking, “like he could be the hero in some sort of gay dystopia, I mean it’s just for a project, it can be as ridiculous as we want as long as it’s coherent, and covers all the techniques we learn.” 

“What like Rainbow City?” Lucy suggested, smirking to herself. 

“Oh my god yes,” Chloe said, not seeming to realise that Lucy was being sarcastic, or perhaps ignoring it. 

“I was joking,” Lucy said. 

“No but for real, like maybe something happened in society and all the gays were exiled,” Chloe suggested. 

“Ok?” 

“And like the straights live in some boring city where everything is perfect and all that and all us queers would be like in some outcast town,” she continued. 

“So Rainbow City?” Lucy said again, still smirking. 

“Yes it’s perfect,” Chloe insisted. 

David liked it too, not that he’d ever admit it with Lucy glaring them all down. 

“I was being sarcastic,” Lucy said. 

“I’m writing it down. It can at least be a placeholder,” Peter said. 

“Whatever,” Lucy said, but David saw her write it down too. 

“Ok so how do we all feel about the dystopia route?” Peter asked. 

“I love it,” Chloe said. 

“Yeah it’s good,” David agreed. 

He’d had similar thoughts, loved the idea of dystopia, some futuristic thing where the hero has to overthrow the government. But as Chloe said, they could make it a bit wacky. Over the top. It wasn’t really his sort of thing, he always made such serious things, but sometimes he really wanted to do something fun. Something a little ridiculous, with a character like him. That wins in the end. 

“Whatever,” Lucy repeated, shrugging, she could clearly never show any enthusiasm about anything. 

But David was sure she was secretly keen. 

“Ok so we are in agreement, let's push forward with this, I want everyone to come up with ideas, what they want the movie to cover, ideas for scenes that sort of thing. We’ll show everything next Monday,” Peter said, he was clearly in charge of this. 

Or at least he would keep them all on track. 

“Excellent,” Chloe said. 

“Do you ever think about being a teacher?” David asked. 

“My mum’s a teacher, I picked it up from her,” Peter explained. 

“Fair enough,” David said. 

“David you need to come out for drinks with us sometime, you need to see our fun side,” Chloe said. 

“I don’t have a fun side,” Lucy said. 

David grinned. 

“Or you could come to another society meeting, I hear the cupcake social went down a storm,” Lucy said. 

“Don’t get me started,” David said. 

She grinned at him and David knew she got it. Chloe had said it wasn’t Lucy’s scene either. David felt a bit better about it all. But he was trying, putting in the effort, and gaining friends. Yesterday had been amazing, everyone had stayed until late afternoon in the end. Just talking, about nothing and everything. They’d talked briefly about his parents and Klint’s too. Just like David, he didn’t talk to his mother or father. 

They’d also talked about his top surgery and everybody was really excited for him, but also not over the top. It had just felt like everyday conversation with them. Normal. 

David was finally starting to feel like he belonged somewhere like he was part of something. 

* * *

David approached the building slowly. He’d only been here once before, he was maybe twelve at the time. There’d been some sort of office fun day. It hadn’t been fun. David remembered being bored out of his mind. He’d wandered off pretty quickly. Excited to be in the city proper and not wanting to waste it surrounded by stuffy adults. He’d gone up to the roof and started climbing every surface he could find, taking panoramic shots of the city from his phone's shitty camera. 

Security had found him after a few hours and dragged him back to the party. His mother had been furious. She took one look at the state of him, his ripped shirt and filthy trousers and dragged him and Laura out, forcing them to go home. But she was never happy. She’d wanted him in a dress anyway. Like that was ever going to fucking happen. His dad hadn’t followed, just gone back to work probably. That was all he did. 

He approached reception. They probably wouldn’t let him in. It seemed even stricter than he remembered. All glass and shiny. Security milling about the entrance. They were already eyeing him suspiciously. He didn’t exactly fit in in his jeans and hoodie. He looked down. It wasn’t even his hoodie, it was Matteo’s, and it was a little on the overworn side. Matteo never threw his clothes away, literally wore them until they fell apart. Said it was hard to find clothes that felt right on him. 

“Can I help you?” the receptionist asked. 

“Er… I’m here to see Tomas Schriebner,” he said, shuffling nervously. 

He’d never liked places like this. He and his dad were vastly different people. Although he didn’t even know if his father liked working here. He didn’t really know anything about him. But he assumed he did, or at least preferred working to spending time with them. 

“Do you have an appointment?” 

“No, but er… he’s my dad so…” 

“ID please,” she said bored. 

Shit. 

He handed over and braced himself to get into it. 

“Is this a joke?” she asked. 

“Just let him up,” the other receptionist said. 

He glanced at her, she was older and seemed familiar to him. 

“But it says-” 

“I know what it says, but that’s Tomas’s son, let him up,” she said. 

She smiled warmly at him. David frowned, no idea why she was being so familiar with him. 

“Fine,” the bored receptionist said, handing back his id. “You know where he works?” 

David shook his head. She rolled her eyes. 

“Sixteenth floor, follow signs for finance, you can’t miss his office, it’s the biggest one,” she said smirking. 

David nodded and rushed over to the elevator before she changed her mind. He glanced back at the other receptionist again. She was still smiling at him. He didn’t understand but he didn’t have time to dissect that right now. He punched in sixteen and watched her as the doors closed. 

The sixteenth floor was busy, people in suits rushing about. They ignored him mostly despite the fact he stuck out like a sore thumb. He looked at the signs. Legal was one way, finance the other. He followed the signs for finance and found his father's office within a few minutes. She was right, it was the biggest office by far. He could see his father pacing the room, he was on the phone. He seemed angry but he wasn’t yelling, just talking calmly down the line. David knocked gently and let himself into the room. His father stared at him for a moment, then gestured to the sofa before resuming his call. 

He was speaking English, something about a merger with an American company. David had no idea. Had no interest in this stuff. 

Instead, he looked around his father's office. It wasn’t what he expected. He’d expect the same minimal shiny glass design as the rest of the building, but it wasn’t like that at all. There were bookshelves overflowing with books and papers. There were photos on the wall, him and Laura. None of his mother he noted. It was messy too, stacks of files spread out everywhere. A spare suit was thrown haphazardly over a chair. 

His father hung up the phone and turned to him. 

“David what can I do for you?” he asked. 

David immediately felt conflicted. It was so strange. His father always used his name, where his mother refused. But at the same time, he was so formal with him. David almost wanted him to hate him as much as his mother so at least there was some feeling there. 

“Er… mum came to see me, she’s angry,” David said. 

“About your surgery? Yes, she did say, ranting about this and that. Trying to get me to cancel it. Don’t worry I’ve already checked everything out. It’s all arranged. And the surgeon is very good. Ignore your mother. She doesn't like not getting her own way. Is that all?” 

He was always so dismissive, still thought David was a child. 

“I… don’t you care?” 

“Care?” he said frowning. 

“Like it doesn’t bother you, that I’m getting top surgery?” David asked. 

“No David. It’s going to make you happy so you should do it,” his dad said. 

“So you want me to be happy?” David asked. 

“Of course,” his dad said. 

“But… you don’t… do you care about me?” 

“Yes David I care about you, you are my son and I love you,” his father said. 

“But… why do you let mum…” 

“I can’t stop her David, I did everything I could, I sent you and Laura away to keep you safe,” he said. 

“But you never seem to care,” David said. 

“Well I’m sorry if you feel that way but I can assure you it’s not true.” 

He didn’t know how to do this, it was so much effort just to hold a conversation with this man. And what was even the point? He obviously had no interest in him. 

“I er… I guess I should go, then you’re obviously busy,” David said. 

“Good luck with your surgery David. I hope it makes you happy,” he said. 

He meant that. David believed he meant it. He didn’t get him at all but he really meant it. He walked away in a daze, almost didn’t hear the receptionist calling after him. 

“David!” 

“Yeah?” 

“Just… he loves you ok, your father loves you, I know it doesn't seem like it… at all but he does, he just shows it differently that's all. Doesn't express it through words but actions,” she insisted. 

“Ok?” 

“I just wanted you to know that's all,” she said. 

“Who are you?” he asked. 

“Just a colleague,” she said. 

David nodded and walked away. That hadn’t answered anything. He was more confused than anything. But one thing he had learnt, his father had sent him away to get him away from his mother, not because he was embarrassed by him. 

Perhaps his father did love him but he was just absolutely awful at showing it. Or was he? If he showed it through these gestures, not through words. But even the gestures he did make were barely worth anything. It wasn’t enough. 

* * *

**Dad**

_Dad (Tuesday, 16.31): David it was nice to see you today but shouldn't show up unannounced at my office, it's not appropriate_

_Dad (17.31): David I don’t mean you can’t come, just please text before that way I will schedule you in. You showed up when I was very busy and I feel like I couldn't give you my full attention_

_David (17.45): It's fine I won't bother you again, I just wanted to make sure mum hadn't changed your mind_

_Dad (17.49): I understand, but you are never bothering me David_

* * *

It was still kind of early but they were already in bed, Matteo curled up against him half asleep. They had been watching a movie, some horror trash. David had picked it so they could snuggle up, and not pay attention. But Matteo had fallen asleep three times, startling awake every time it got loud. So David had shut it off, he wasn’t concentrating anyway. He didn’t care about whether the high schoolers got killed by the doll or not. He had schoolwork to do too, but he didn’t care about that either. 

“I just don’t get him,” David groaned frustrated. 

“Who?” Matteo mumbled, refusing to move from where he’d nestled himself, tucked against David’s side. 

“My dad,” David said. 

“You said it went ok,” Matteo said. 

“It did,” David said. 

That was the problem because he’d walked away understanding even less than when he’d walked in. 

“You didn’t say much else,” Matteo said. 

“I don’t even know how to be honest,” David said. 

How did he even explain this? 

“Try,” Matteo said, he pulled back so that he could look up at David. 

“Ok so I went there and I brought up what my mum had done and he just said don’t worry about it it was all sorted. But I think he’d also done checks, like research on the surgeon, he knew they were the best,” David said. 

“Ok that's good though,” Matteo said. 

“Right, but why? Because he doesn’t give a shit. But then I asked him... I asked him did he care? And he called me his son and told me that he loves me and I just don't fucking get it. Matteo, he said he sent me to Laura’s to keep me safe from my mum. But ok that’s good but he just… like why didn’t he fucking talk to me? Why didn’t he at least try to fucking understand what was going on? Yes, it’s good that he tried to keep me safe but I’m not some fucking problem that can just be fixed you know?” 

Matteo nodded. 

“I know,” he agreed. 

"Then he's sending texts saying I can visit whenever I want, as long as I make an appointment with him? But he doesn't imply that he wants to see me," David said. 

"That's… ok, that's a bit weird, like emotionless?" Matteo said. 

“I know and then… just… he said he loved me, didn't even hesitate,” David said quietly. 

“Ok, and how does that make you feel?” Matteo asked. 

“I don’t fucking know!” David snapped. 

Matteo sat up now, blinking slowly trying to wake himself up, trying to be there for him. David was a mess again. He'd never felt so unstable, so out of control. 

“Sorry,” David muttered. 

“S’ok,” Matteo said, taking his hand and squeezing it. 

“I’m just so fucking frustrated,” David said. 

“Ok, he loves you but it’s not enough. Because at this point it’s just empty words,” Matteo said. 

“Yes exactly, they mean nothing. He’s never proved it in any way and god I'm so grateful that he’s paying for my surgery but like it’s not enough, because it’s so easy for him to just throw money at his problems to make them go away. And I don’t want to be one of his fucking problems,” David said. 

He didn’t want his dad to treat him like he treated any problem. He wanted him to treat him like a son. 

“Also…” 

“Also?” 

“Also your mum is his wife and like ok he can’t control her but… maybe wouldn’t… couldn’t he have sent her away instead?” Matteo asked. 

“Yes exactly, they don’t love each other so if he loved me why was I the one who had to leave?” David demanded. 

“I think…” 

“What do you think?” David asked gently. 

Matteo just chewed his lip, obviously worrying about what he had to say. He pulled his hands free of David’s and began to twist them. 

“Matteo I want to hear it, you can’t say the wrong thing,” David insisted. 

“I think maybe he’s just shit, like just shit at being a dad and he keeps fucking up over and over but…” 

“But?” 

“Have you actually told him?” Matteo asked. 

David frowned at him, was he really blaming him for all this? He thought Matteo was on his side, had his back. 

“What?” he demanded. 

Matteo sucked in a breath, fidgeting and looking anywhere but at David. But he continued. 

“Have you had a go? Told him that it’s not enough?” he asked. 

“No,” David said. 

That wasn’t… that was beside the point. He shouldn't have to, his father should know better. It wasn't up to David it was up to him. He was his son. His dad had been the adult. 

“Because maybe he really thinks he’s doing enough, maybe if you tell him he might try,” Matteo said. 

“It’s not my fault,” David said, trying to hold onto his patience. 

He knew Matteo took his time getting his point across, but right now it felt like he was being blamed. Blamed for his dad rejecting him and that hurt. He couldn't have done more, he'd fucking begged to stay. He'd had to leave anyway. 

“No that's not what I'm saying,” Matteo said, running a hand through his hair. 

And he looked so close to giving up that David took his hand back and squeezed it. He needed to wait, remember that Matteo wasn't trying to upset him. He had an idea and if it was wrong David should still listen and correct him calmly afterwards. 

“Ok tell me, I won’t get mad,” David said gently. 

“What I’m saying is… I… it’s not fair I know that. But sometimes we have to be the adults because our parents can’t or won’t and sometimes we have to be their teachers you know? Like we've just said he's not good at this, maybe if you tell him what you need he could try better. You need to tell him what you expect of him as a parent, and then if he doesn't take that on board that's his fault. But it's your right you know? To demand of him what you need,” Matteo said, staring down at their joined hands, adamantly refusing to look up at him. 

“Oh,” David said. 

It was all he could say because Matteo had far more experience being the adult in the family than he ever would. He’d been doing it a lot longer. He wondered if Matteo had made those demands of his father before he'd walked away. Told his mother what he needed from her. If so it was probably the hardest thing he'd ever done. 

This was different, both his parents should have been capable of taking care of him. But Matteo’s point still applied, if they were that useless, then perhaps it was up to him to let them know what he needed from them. His dad at least. And see how it went from there. 

“If you don’t want to that's fine, but I just think, maybe if you did, and maybe if he was willing to try then you could still salvage your relationship,” Matteo suggested. 

“What relationship?” David scoffed. 

“Form a relationship then, something new,” he said, "I mean perhaps he's really shit with kids, maybe he'll be better with you now you're an adult too." 

“Ok,” David said. 

He liked that idea, it felt more equal. 

“Ok?” 

“Not yet though,” David said. 

“Take your time,” Matteo said. 

He would, he had no desire to be the one to fix this between him and his father anytime soon. But perhaps, after the surgery, they could talk more. And David could lay it out, make it clear what his father should be doing, should have done from the start. Show what it was he needed from him, which was far more than just money. Maybe they could fix things. 

* * *

**Tay**

_David (Wednesday, 10.02): so I went to see my dad_

_David (10.03): I think he might be ok with this_

_David (10.03): it's weird_

_David (10.04): he says he loves me and that he cares but it really seems like the opposite_

_David (10.06): like he obviously sees me as difficult and a problem and he tries to solve that by paying for everything and maybe he thinks that's love_

_David (10.07): but I'm not the problem he is_

_David (10.09): and yes I want the surgery but I want more_

_David (10.11): but I spoke to Matteo and he says maybe I should tell him what I want_

_David (10.14): but he should just know right? he's my dad he should just know_

_Tay (10.26): ok that is a lot_

_David (10.27): sorry_

_Tay (10.28): no problem_

_Tay (10.29): let's hang out_

_Tay (10.32): sans brunch_

_David (10.35): ok_

_Tay (10.37): cool meet me in an hour at java_

* * *

Surprisingly enough David wasn't dreading this. He wanted to see Tay, wanted them to tell him it was all going to be ok. That he could get through this. That he could still have a relationship with his dad. Because he wanted it. Desperately. Even though he probably shouldn't. 

Tay was already there when David arrived, two cups in front of them and two chocolate cupcakes on a plate. Their sunglasses were already off and on the table. 

"Hey," David said, sitting down opposite them. “Ok the sunglasses, why do you wear them everywhere?” he asked. 

“Because of my eyes,” Tay said, frowning. 

David stared, there was nothing wrong with them as far as he could tell. He was surprised, even Tay had something they were shy about. 

“Ok? But you wear contacts?” David said. 

“No these are my natural eyes,” Tay said. 

They were pale, grey, contrasting against their darker skin. Still, it wasn’t that weird. 

“Just people always think I’m wearing contacts or even that I’m blind, so I dunno I just wear the glasses. They look cool and I don’t have to answer dumb questions, I get enough of those about everything else,” they said. 

David nodded. 

“I like your eyes, Tay. My grandma, dad’s mum, has blue eyes. It's rare but it’s not that weird,” he said. 

Tay’s eyes were warm and kind, despite the pale colour, his grandmother’s were cold. He had never been close with her, or his grandfather. They were always too strict, always wanted him to behave properly, hated how wild he was. They were the same with Laura. They were even the same with his dad, always bossing him about, telling him how to behave. David didn’t like them much, never missed them when they moved away. 

“Is she black?” 

“Yeah,” David said. 

“My dad’s black, I look a lot like him, my mum is totally ginger but we have the same eyes,” Tay said. 

“Sorry I assumed you were wearing contacts,” David said. 

"Don’t worry about it," Tay said, pushing a cup towards him, "it's a caramel, gingerbread, marshmallow latte." 

"No." 

David pushed the cup away. 

Tay pouted. 

"David I got it for you, to cheer you up," they said seriously. 

David tentatively took a sip. It was just regular coffee. Tay grinned. 

"What are you drinking?" David asked. 

"Caramel, gingerbread, marshmallow latte," Tay said, taking a big sip. 

David grimaced, he believed them. 

"I call it liquid diabetes," they said. 

David laughed at that. 

“Are you ok?” Tay asked gently. 

“No,” David admitted, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes for a moment. 

He sighed and looked to Tay who was just waiting, today it was his turn to do the talking. They were going to have a real conversation and it wasn’t going to be fun. 

“I hate this, I feel so unsure about everything,” he said. 

“And you're usually so certain, so in control. This is hard for you,” they said. 

“Yeah. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't he just love me?” David asked them, even though they didn’t have the answers either. 

Tay frowned for a moment, thinking it through. 

“But you said he does?” 

“I mean he said so but…” 

“Well maybe he thinks that's enough,” they suggested. 

“Well it's not,” David said. 

It wasn’t even close. He needed more than words, but he didn’t know what it was he did need from his dad. 

“But you haven't told him?” Tay asked. 

“God Tay it shouldn't be on me, your parents love you just like that, why can’t mine?” David asked. 

“But I think we've established by now that your dad doesn't have a problem with you being trans he's just a bit of a shit father, those two things aren't mutually exclusive,” Tay said. 

“How do you mean?” David asked, twisting his cup around in his hands. 

“So like whether you were trans or not he likely would have been shit at this, expressing his feelings and being there for you,” Tay explained. 

“But- but-” 

“Who are you basing this on right now?” Tay asked. 

David just frowned. 

“What?” 

“This perfect example of a parent, who you expect your dad to be like, who is it you have in mind, it’s not mine right? There’s someone else that you feel your dad should be like because all of this you expect from him, actually most parents don't get naturally like you think. My parents accepted me, yeah but it wasn’t straightforward, and still even now I can tell they wish different sometimes. To make it easier I think. So who are you thinking of?” 

“Er… maybe, Julia, I guess, that's Matteo's mum,” David said. 

The first time he went over for dinner he’d been so jealous watching Matteo interact with his mother. Even though she’d been just as warm and welcoming to him. It had hurt, knowing what he was missing. She was exactly what he wanted from a mum and he hated how jealous he got. Every time he went round to Matteo’s he had fun, but as soon as they got back home he would sulk for a while and Matteo would tiptoe around him until it passed. 

“Ok and is she perfect?” Tay asked. 

She wasn’t he knew that, still knew almost nothing about Matteo’s childhood. But he knew she wasn’t perfect. But compared to his mum she was. He knew it wasn't that simple but he struggled to rationalise it. He just wanted good and loving parents and it blinded him. 

“No,” he admitted, “far from it, but they've been through so much. For a long time, she wasn't there for him at all but they're doing ok and you can just see how much she loves him. I didn't even realise what I was missing until I met her. And she loves me too you know? Straight away, she doesn’t know I’m trans but still,” David said. 

Tay nodded. 

“But they've been through so much,” David repeated, “I guess that’s part of it, but I think they were always really close.” 

“Yeah,” Tay said. 

They weren’t saying much, leaving David to fill the conversation. He had to do the work if he wanted to figure it all out. 

“And for a long time things weren't good and they both have to work at it to get back what they had and it's hard, but Matteo puts in the work,” David said. 

And that made him think, because yes to him Julia was perfect, but to Matteo, she probably wasn’t. He loved her, desperately, but it wasn’t nearly as easy to him as it seemed to David. He couldn’t even stay over too long without getting a bit panicky and on edge. Sometimes they had to leave early because he got too stressed. Once or twice she’d said something innocuous but Matteo had gone completely silent. But he tried so hard to be a good son. And she tried too. She understood Matteo, even better than he did. Yeah, it wasn’t perfect. But it worked. 

“Ok?” Tay said. 

“So I should? Work harder at it?” David asked. 

“Do you want to?” Tay asked. 

“It’s different,” David said. 

It wasn’t the same because Julia was so loving and kind, it would be easier to put the work in there. His mum was cruel and his dad was distant, he didn’t even know how to work at this. 

“Because they're working to get something back. You would be working for something new and you can't even be sure it's what you want until you get it,” Tay said, finally giving their opinion. 

“Exactly,” David agreed. 

“But it's not a fixed thing. It's a relationship it will grow and evolve forever, what Matteo has with his mum now will be so different from what he had as a child. And now he's an adult the relationship will be more equal and like you said he is able to put in too. It’s balanced. your relationship with your father as an adult will be like that, you have just as much power in it now,” Tay said. 

“Jesus Christ,” David muttered. 

Tay raised an eyebrow. 

“Oh god are you gonna go off again?” they asked, bracing themselves and grinning at him. 

“No that's… you are so smart,” David said. 

“Don't sound so damn surprised,” Tay said, kicking him under the table. 

“I'm not,” David insisted. 

“No? You didn't think I was just shallow and overdramatic?” Tay asked. 

“I mean you are overdramatic but I knew you were smart too, you had to be to deal with me. To forgive me so quickly when I was so mean, thank you so much for not giving up on me,” David said quietly. 

“Best friends?” Tay suggested. 

David shook his head. 

“Say it,” Tay demanded. 

“No,” David argued. 

“Say it,” Tay said. 

David grinned. 

“We can work on it, like you say relationships are constantly evolving,” he said. 

Tay took the remainder of their cupcake and shoved it in David’s face, getting frosting all over him. 

* * *

Later that day when David walked into the WG he found Matteo on the phone, pacing the living room. He was frowning. He looked distressed. 

“Everything ok?” David asked carefully. 

“It’s Amira, she’s telling me off,” Matteo explained, wincing at whatever Amira was saying. 

David frowned and held out his hand. That wasn’t ok. Matteo handed over the phone. 

“I was not telling him off,” Amira said immediately, before he could even say anything. 

“Then why is he so upset?” David demanded. 

“Talk to your boyfriend David, I’m not his damn therapist,” she said. 

David sighed, then hung up the phone. Matteo stared at him, wide-eyed, slightly afraid. Then looked at the phone fearfully as it rang again. David ignored it and pulled out his laptop. He opened up skype and clicked to connect with Amira. She answered after a few rings and her furious face filled the screen. 

“How dare you?” she demanded. 

Matteo sat down beside David, twisting his fingers nervously. When Amira saw him her expression changed completely, as if she was finally aware of the distress she’d caused. David got it, it was hard to help Matteo in person, frustrating almost. At a distance, it must seem impossible but she mustn't push him. 

“I’m sorry Matteo,” she said softly, “I really didn’t mean to upset you, I was just so worried,” she said. 

She seemed a bit afraid now. 

“What did you say to her?” David asked. 

Matteo shook his head. 

Amira took a deep breath. 

“He was panicking, I think he was having a panic attack and-” 

“Amira you promised!” Matteo cried. 

“I can’t help you from here Matteo, it’s the middle of the night and you called me and you scared me. I can’t just leave you feeling like that ok?” Amira said. 

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” he muttered, turning away from them but not leaving. 

David wrapped an arm around his waist, holding him in case he suddenly decided to flee. 

“How’s Canberra Amira?” David asked, carefully changing the subject. 

Matteo was still in panic mode, if they wanted him to talk, he needed a little time to calm down. 

Matteo just sighed and slumped against him, taking deep breaths, playing with his sleeves. David gave Amira a stern look, and she nodded. She understood. They were in a very delicate situation. 

“It’s so good, I’m staying with a host family right now and they are so cool. The daughter, Amelia is my age, and she’s showing me all the cool things. Today we went to the Museum of Democracy, which I loved. Did you see the pictures on my Instagram? The DressUp exhibit? And tomorrow or today actually, we’re going to a nature reserve. It’s been damaged in the fires, so we’re going to help out. Amelia wants to be a vet so it’s perfect. She’s really smart. We get on really well. I really am having so much fun,” she said. 

David nodded, he didn’t realise how much Amira rambled when she was excited. It was lovely, he needed to call her more often. 

“Good,” Matteo mumbled, pressing his face against David’s shoulder. 

“But how are you, David? Matteo tells me you’ve got a date for your top surgery?” Amira asked. 

“Sorry it slipped out,” Matteo said, “I thought she knew,” he said. 

“No it’s fine,” David assured him. 

To be honest he’d forgotten to tell her. He was a bad friend but he blamed everything that was going on. 

“You must be excited,” she said. 

“So excited you have no idea. Three weeks can you believe that?” David said. 

“It’s quick,” she noted. 

“My dads paying,” David explained. 

“Ah,” she said. 

“He’s fancy,” Matteo mumbled. 

“Fancy Mr Schreibner Senior,” she said. 

“Yeah,” Matteo said, giggling, “and David you’re Fancy Mr Schreibner Junior,” he said. 

David didn’t take the bait, if Matteo was able to tease him then he was calmer. He was relaxed against him. David was no longer worried he was about to bolt. Still, he held tight just in case. 

“Was there any particular reason you were panicking?” David asked gently. 

Matteo shrugged. 

“It’s stupid,” he said. 

“Tell me anyway,” David said. 

“I couldn’t find my red shirt,” Matteo said. 

“Ok,” David said, glancing at Amira. 

She nodded, just as concerned as he was. 

“And I just started stressing I couldn’t help it,” Matteo said. “It’s my softest shirt I just wanted to wear it, and then when I couldn’t find it it was as if all my other clothes started getting itchy,” he explained. 

“Ok Matteo, ok,” David said, “did you find it?” 

Matteo shook his head. 

“But I found this jumper, it’s not too bad,” he said. 

He was wearing his white woollen jumper, old and threadbare, soft. The reason Matteo never threw out his clothes was the same reason he didn’t wash them as often as he probably should. He liked them soft against his skin, when they were clean or new it bothered him. He’d explained it to David once. 

David understood Matteo’s stressing about his shirt, Amira probably didn’t, probably thought it was a total overreaction. David supposed it probably was, but not to Matteo. To Matteo it was important and you had to be patient. 

But it was why she’d been pushy with him on the phone, she didn’t quite get it. He saw she was starting to though, now that Matteo was explaining it a bit better. 

“Ok, Matteo if you're not going to take my advice on seeing a therapist-” 

“I'm not, I can't,” Matteo said firmly, tensing beside him. 

“I'm not going to make you, I wish you would but I'm not going to force you to do anything. I'm going to send you a link with some breathing exercises that might help if you’re on your own and it happens again, I use it when I get really angry. And I think we need to learn better techniques for you,” she said. 

David felt Matteo relax when he realised she wasn’t going to push him. She was such a good friend, determined to be there for Matteo, even when she was a world away. 

“Thanks, Amira,” he said. 

“Thank you,” David said quietly. 

She may not understand what was going on, but she cared. She only wanted to help. And he didn't need to tell her not to be pushy, she'd figured it out herself. 

“Right it’s so late here I’m gonna go, I’m going to be busy but I’m going to call you in a few days and check in ok?” she said to Matteo. 

Matteo nodded. 

“I’m sorry for waking you,” he said. 

“Don’t worry about it. Anytime ok? And keep an eye out for the wildlife pics ok?” she said. 

“We will,” David promised 

She disconnected and David closed the laptop. 

“Doing ok now?” he asked gently. 

“Yeah just tired,” Matteo said, settling against him. 

They'd be there for the night now but David didn't mind. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“No,” Matteo said, 

“Wanna hear about my day instead?” David asked. 

There was no point dwelling on it, Matteo needed a distraction and David needed to digest his day anyway. 

“Yes please,” Matteo said. 

"Ok so first I met up with Tay at Java, we talked about my parents mostly," David told him. 

Matteo tilted his head up to look at him, surprise written across his expression. 

"Did you get upset?" he asked. 

"No actually, and they said some pretty similar stuff to you, about working on my relationship with my dad. That I had to tell him what I wanted from him," David said. 

"Yeah, I know it's not fair but sometimes that's how it goes," Matteo said. 

David nodded and pressed a kiss to his head. 

"Guess what Tay had to drink?" he asked. 

"Coffee?" Matteo suggested. 

"Yeah, but a gingerbread marshmallow caramel latte or something," David told him. 

Matteo made dramatic vomiting sounds. 

"Tay and me are no longer friends," he said seriously. 

David just laughed, as if Matteo didn't eat or drink equally ridiculous things sometimes. 

“I had my visual class again today,” he said. 

“That’s your favourite,” Matteo said. 

“It is. Me and the gang, Peter, Lucy, and Chloe, we’re pretty set on this gay dystopia movie now,” David said. "I'm having a lot of fun," he said. 

And he was, he'd always been good at school but he'd never enjoyed it, not like this. He'd never once had fun at school, he'd gone because it was necessary. He'd never wanted to go, never been eager to get to class. 

Visual class was his favourite, Matteo was right. The hour lecture three times a week didn't seem like nearly enough. Always seemed to end too quickly. And even though he was sitting with his friends they didn't spend the hour chatting away. But Peter would pass him notes anytime he had an idea, or he thought Professor Weber said something particularly interesting. David would respond in kind. 

But this carried over into his other classes too. Chloe was with him in Writing and Editing, Lucy was in Sound. In Cinematography he'd started knowing no one, but now four weeks in he had people to sit with, chat with. 

For the first time ever he loved school. It wasn't some nightmare. Some ordeal he just had to get through to get to a goal. This was his goal, this was what he'd worked for. This was how it was going to be now. 

“It does sound cool,” Matteo said. 

“Right? So all that solid right now is the main character, and that it's a dystopia,” David said. 

“This is the trans character?” Matteo asked. 

He always listened when David rambled his ideas. 

“Yeah, somehow his task is going to be to somehow overthrow the dystopian regime but we’ve gotta flesh it out a bit,” David explained. 

“Of course,” Matteo agreed. 

“And like there are two cites, one is straight and perfect, the other is poor and like everything is queer does that make sense?” David said. 

“Yeah kinda. Is it set in America?” Matteo asked. 

“Yeah of course,” David said. "It's gonna have a serious theme, but over the top? So kind of a parody of all the movies we have about this already," David tried to explain. 

Matteo nodded. 

"Like how in these movies they never really talk about the rest of the world?" he asked. 

David stroked his hair out of his face, his boy had been paying attention. 

"Exactly. So we'll have the rest of the world being like 'what?' I don't know if it will work but I don't want it to be heavy, I want it to be fun you know?" 

David stopped now, watching Matteo as he worked it through. 

"Ok. So a parody of dystopia? The main character is trans but just is no big deal. No need to make him miserable or kill him off for drama. All the other mains are queer too? And they have to overthrow a heterosexual regime? And it's gonna be fun and not heavy," he said, essentially summarising everything they had so far. 

David nodded. 

"That's pretty much it so far," he said. 

"So I’ve gotta write a few scenes this week and then I’m going to get Sara to help me film them,” David explained. 

“Are you going to be in it?” Matteo asked. 

“Nah I’m going to hold auditions,” David said. 

Matteo frowned at that. David noticed he didn't offer his acting skills. Not after the alien fiasco. He’d gone along with it, helped David film every scene, but he’d complained the entire time too. Didn’t like wearing the mask, the costume. Didn’t like having to stand still but didn’t want to move when he was told. Couldn't say his lines without adding his own comments. He was not an actor. 

“Are you going to pay?” 

“I thought maybe I could offer food because students are always hungry,” David said. 

Matteo peered up at him. 

“And where would this food come from?” 

“Well see I have this amazing boyfriend who cooks me the most delicious food I thought because he loved me he might want to help me out,” David said. 

“Hmm I do love you,” Matteo agreed. 

“I know. So I have a few scenes to write, want to stay here with me while I do?” David asked. 

Matteo nodded, he let go of David so he could go and grab his notebook and then let him settle down with notes and his laptop. When David nodded Matteo snuggled against his chest, and David wrapped an arm around him so he could type. He smiled down at Matteo and began his story. 

* * *

**Dad**

_David (Wednesday, 22.31): I don’t not want to see you ever again_

_David (22.33): I never wanted to leave I need you to understand that_

_David (22.34): I didn’t want to leave and you sent me away_

_David (22.35): Why didn’t you send mum away?_

_David (22.36): Why did I have to leave?_

_David (22.37): Why can’t she love me?_

_David (22.39): If you love me why don’t you show it?_

_David (22.41): It’s not enough you know that right? Paying my rent, paying for my surgery, I know it’s more than a lot of people get, but I just need you to love me_

_Dad (23.01): I’ll take all that on board David_

_David (23.45): Nevermind_

_Dad (Thursday, 07.01): David I hear what you’re saying and I’m sorry that you feel this way_

_David (07.03): No_

* * *

David knew where to find him, had seen him here sometimes when he was walking back from school. He’d left him alone though, after that Saturday in the park. David approached him slowly, trying to stay calm. Anger wouldn’t help right now. He hadn’t even planned this, but he knew it was necessary. Ben looked up from his bike when he got near enough and took a step back nervously. 

“Look I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry for upsetting your boyfriend,” he said. 

David rolled his eyes. 

“You’re always sorry,” he muttered. 

He walked around Ben and hopped up onto the bike racks. Ben hesitated for a moment, before sitting opposite him. 

“Ok look-” 

“Why?” 

“What?” 

“Why are you sorry?” 

“I… ok look right after you left school my brother Erik came out as gay. Or he was outed, he didn’t want to. He was still in middle school and the shit he got from everyone was awful right?” Ben told him. 

David just glared. 

“I remember Erik, he was nice, but what the fuck does that have to do with anything?” he asked. 

“He came to me. He still came to me, even though he knew what I was like. He came into my room half terrified I was going to hate him, and he just told me everything that was going on. And I just… David, he was so scared of me, but the kids at school were worse. And all I could do was just sit there and hug him while he cried. Because what the fuck could I say? How could I promise it would be ok when there are so many people like me in the world? I’m the bad guy David,” he said. 

“I know,” David hissed, getting angry that he was actually feeling sorry for Ben. 

This was such bullshit. It wasn’t even about him. 

“So are you even sorry? Or are you just trying to clear your conscience?” he demanded. “Because I’m not going to forgive you, just because you want to be a good brother 

“I am a good brother,” Ben said with conviction in his eyes, finally looking up at him. “I am,” he repeated. 

David nodded. 

“I love him, no matter what. He’s my baby brother, and I’ll kill anyone who gives him shit. I know that makes me a fucking hypocrite,” he said. 

“Yeah it does,” David agreed. 

“I got expelled,” Ben said, “a month after you left. Beat up a couple of middle schoolers and the school kicked me out. Bad for their reputation apparently. I finished high school alone and with no friends. Those guys weren’t my friends though, they thought it was all hilarious fun that I’d beaten up two fifteen-year-olds, but as soon as they realised I’d done it because they were bigots, that was it. Not another word from them. But Erik still loves me, and that’s what matters.” 

“That’s so fucking typical,” David muttered. 

“What?” 

“You get expelled for beating up bigots and not for everything else you did,” David muttered. 

“I mean they were children, I beat up two kids half my size for shitting on my baby brother, they were bad but I don’t think it was ok,” Ben said. 

“No you’re right, don’t go around beating up kids,” David agreed. 

“What do I do?” 

“Go back in time and not be an asshole,” David suggested. 

Ben laughed. 

“I wish I could say I had an excuse like a shitty homelife or problems at school but I didn't there was no reason for it I'm just a bad person I think,” Ben said. 

David sighed 

“It wasn't just you,” he said, “don't get me wrong you were the worst but the others were pretty much just as bad. Did it make you feel good? The way you treated me? Make you feel like more of a man?” he demanded, standing up and starting to pace. 

Ben got up and followed him and they began to walk along the path. He kept his distance. 

“To be honest not really. But it didn't feel bad either, at the time it felt like nothing I never felt anything guilty. Sad. I never felt happy. The only thing I ever feel is anger,” he said quietly. 

“Were you angry at me?” 

“Yeah I think so, I know it’s stupid, you did nothing to me. I think… nothing I did broke you and that made me so angry. You’re a really fucking strong person David,” Ben said. 

“I had no fucking choice,” David said. 

He could see that Ben was genuine in his remorse. He may be apologising for selfish reasons, to ease his own guilt. But he genuinely felt sorry for what he did. 

“I know,” Ben said quietly. 

David hated this, hated how pathetic he was, he just couldn’t hold on to all that anger. He reminded himself of everything Ben had done but even that didn’t help. 

“What do you feel now?” David asked. 

“Nothing, I've never really felt anything,” Ben said quietly. 

David hated him so much, but he was pitying him now too. He wouldn’t forgive him. He refused. He walked off, speeding up, wanting to leave him behind. Ben jogged to keep up. 

"Leave me alone. You hassling me and my boyfriend is as bad as what you did, what the assholes are doing to your brother. Do you understand that?” 

Ben shook his head frowning at him. 

“No, but-” 

“You stressed Matteo out so much, you pushed and you pushed, all you were thinking about was yourself, couldn’t you see what you were doing? When you come up to me asking for forgiveness all it does is bring up a time I don't ever want to think about again and it hurts me yeah? It scares me,” David admitted. 

“I didn't realise,” Ben said. 

He looked so shocked, so ashamed of himself. David stared at him and knew he was telling the truth. 

“Me forgiving you won't fix you, Ben, you need to get help ok? Not feeling anything, being numb like you describe that's not normal,” David said. 

“I…” 

“Is there anyone you trust?” 

“Erik,” Ben said confidently. 

“Get help, take him with you he's gotta be nearly seventeen now right?” 

“Yeah,” Ben said, smiling proudly. 

“Good luck to him, he's gonna be fine, he’ll get out of school, and he’ll find people who get him and he’ll be absolutely fine Ben. I know I am,” David said. 

“I won't bother you anymore. I didn't even think of how it would make you feel,” Ben said. 

“Ok, I get that… I believe you but I swear Ben if you ever pull a stunt like that at the bar… Matteo is going to keep coming to practice to support me and you’re not to even look at him do you understand?” 

Ben nodded. 

David took a step closer. 

“He comes to support me, to make sure I feel safe, don’t you dare take that from him,” he warned. 

“I won't I swear but can I just-” 

“He doesn’t need your apology he needs you to leave him alone,” David said. 

“Ok. Ok. I… I’ll leave you alone, both of you,” Ben said. 

He reached out his hand, David rolled his eyes but he shook it nonetheless. He felt at peace with it finally, felt like he could let it go. He knew now for definite that Ben wasn’t going to out him, he trusted that. Trusted that he was going to try and become a better person. Whether he would succeed or not David didn’t know. But he could move on now, get on with his life without the shadow of Ben hanging over him. 

He turned to leave, but then turned back 

“Ben?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Becoming a better person for your brother is pretty admirable, but you gotta do it for yourself too, you gotta sit down and take a good look at yourself. Decide who you wanna be. Figure out what you need to get there, and take the help that you need to do it. But it’s gotta be for you Ben,” he said. 

Ben nodded and David could tell that meant a lot, that he would take all that on board. He had a long journey ahead of him, but David knew his heart was in the right place and he could get there. He didn’t even feel bad for helping him. What was he becoming? 

“Bye Ben,” he said. 

“Bye David, see you at practice,” Ben said. 

“Yeah,” David said. 

“I won’t tell anyone,” Ben said. 

“I know,” David said. 

“No I mean obviously I won’t tell them you’re transgender, but I meant I won’t tell anyone that your secretly totally soft and so kind,” Ben said. 

“Fuck off!” 

Ben just smiled. 

“You don’t fool me,” he said, grinning to himself and walking off. 

Fuck him. 

* * *

**Matteo**

_David (Thursday, 11.01): Shit I think I forgave Ben_

_David: (11.01): I didn't mean to_

_David (11.02): but I was nice to him_

_David (11.03): I haven't told him or anything but in my head, I'm like letting it go, I'm not angry anymore_

_David (11.03): Matteo?_

_Matteo (11.05): RIP_

_David (11.06): what?_

_Matteo (11.08): stone cold David is dead, everyone meet teddy bear David, he’s soft and squishy, a total marshmallow_

_David (11.10): Matteo not funny, I swore I’d never forgive him_

_Matteo (11.11): But do you feel better?_

_David (11.21): Yeah I feel so calm_

_Matteo (11.22): Then what’s the problem?_

_David (11.24): He was fucking awful Matteo he doesn’t deserve it_

_Matteo (11.27): I know but you can’t help how you feel, you obviously feel he’s sorry enough but real forgiveness isn’t just an “I’m sorry, that’s ok I forgive you” it takes time, it takes effort on both parts. Look you’re the same year as Ben right?_

_David (11.30): Yeah_

_Matteo (11.35): You’re probably going to be playing football together for the next two years, just watch him, see him grow, see if he really is still that kid from your high school or someone better, and maybe then in time you can accept why you're forgiving him._

_David (11.37): I hate you_

_David (11.38): You’re too nice_

_Matteo (11.40): What you want me to be mean?_

_David (11.42): Never_

_David (11.42): I love you_

_David (11.44): God at this rate I’ll be forgiving my parents next_

_Matteo (11.47): I mean I’m pretty sure you will, you seem like you want to work on it at least._

_David (11.50): Yeah maybe_

_Matteo (11.53): Like I said, nothing has to be instant you can take your time with this and also they gotta be sorry first, your mum especially but your dad too, you gotta tell him what he’s done wrong and he has to think about that and understand it before you can forgive him_

_Matteo (12.01): David?_

_David (12.03): I don’t know what to say_

_Matteo (12.04): Sorry_

_David (12.05): No I just_

_David (12.06): Matteo I love you so much_

_Matteo (12.07): I love you too_

_Matteo (12.09): I‘m proud of you too, you’re a really good person, forgiving Ben, it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you stronger, better._

_David (12.11): jesus Matteo_

_David (12.12): I haven't forgiven him yet, it’s a process remember?_

_Matteo (12.13):_ 🥰 

* * *

**Mum**

_Mum (Thursday, 14.33): I know you have your father wrapped around your finger but that won’t work on me. How dare you get him to have a go at me about my parenting? I am your mother, it was me that raised you, not him. You’re nothing but an ungrateful brat._

* * *

David was late, he hated being late but his lecture had overrun and then he’d ended up walking in the same direction as Chloe and man was she chatty. She was trying to convince him to join her for yoga, he had politely declined. He didn’t mind her company though, it was just he was supposed to meet Leonie and Sara at three, at the cafe on campus. And now it was ten minutes past. And Leonie would definitely be there on time. 

“Nice of you to join us Schreibner,” she said as he sat down. 

She pushed a coffee and a plate of cake towards him. He grinned at her and took the coffee. She loved him really. 

“Hi David!” Sara said. 

She was practically bouncing in her seat. 

He frowned at her, she’d obviously been waiting for him. 

“Good news?” he asked. 

“I got a part! In a TV movie. Like I don't have any lines but it’s a start you know? And I’ve had three other auditions this week. It’s really happening,” she said, not pausing to breathe. 

“Of course it is Sara, it was always going to happen for you, you’re so brilliant,” Leonie said quietly. 

“That’s so amazing,” he said, glancing at Leonie. 

He had no idea how Sara didn’t see it, the soft fond expression that came over Leonie’s face whenever Sara got excited about anything. How had she not realised? The way she spoke to her, different from anyone else. It was obvious she loved her. It was in everything she did. 

Leonie scowled at him when she realised what he was thinking. He just raised an eyebrow challenging her to argue with him. 

“But what about you? How is the big gay movie project coming along?” she asked. 

“Pretty good, we’ve got some scenes that we might want you to shoot, and if you could pass the word around at your school, I can only pay in food,” David explained. 

They wanted to film a few scenes to practice the visual techniques they’d been learning, different shots inside a building. David was responsible for scouting a location and he was pretty sure the old abandoned theatre near his apartment would do the trick. Plenty of surfaces to climb and get wide shots. 

“Matteo’s food?” she asked. 

“Yeah,” he said. 

“Ok I'll see what I can do,” Sara promised, nodding away. 

She was about to say something else when her phone rang, she grabbed it and stepped out, waving excitedly as she went. 

“Don’t even fucking say it Schreibner,” Leonie said, as soon as she’d gone. 

“I wasn’t going to,” he said, reaching over and patting her shoulder. 

Leonie covered her face with her hands and screamed. 

“Seriously Leonie are you ok?” he asked. 

As much as he teased her he was seriously worried. She was hurting. 

“No,” she said, her voice small. 

This had been going on too long now. Something was going to break soon. David wasn’t sure how much longer Leonie could keep this up. She couldn’t pretend forever. 

“Oh Leonie,” he said gently. 

“It’s getting harder and harder, I…” 

David got up from where he sat and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She sniffled but didn’t cry, just took several deep breaths. 

“It’ll be ok,” he promised. 

“No it won’t,” she argued. 

“You need to talk to her,” David insisted. 

He didn’t want to push her before she was ready, but this was no good. She couldn’t live like this either. 

“I can’t,” she whispered. 

She was so afraid of telling Sara how she felt, David had no idea how to convince her it would be ok. He didn’t know how Sara would react, she’d not ever talked about this with him. He was certain though that she would never throw their friendship away. 

The door to the cafe opened and Leonie shoved him away quickly, almost pushing him over. David stumbled but recovered his footing. He didn’t have time to compose himself though and Sara glanced between them suspiciously. 

“Everything ok?” she asked, still frowning at them. 

“Schriebner was feeling sad so I was just hugging him,” she said. 

Sara stared at him, suspicion falling away to concern. 

“Yeah, I er… I just got sad,” he said. 

Leonie rolled her eyes but smirked. He was a shit liar when it came to things like this, especially when he didn’t want to be lying in the first place. 

“Is everything ok with you David?” Sara asked, stepping closer and placing a hand on her shoulder. 

Sara was so lovely, he was not happy lying to her. So he was honest instead. 

“Just er… some shit with my parents, but er… I’d rather not talk about it,” he said. 

Sara nodded and hugged him instead, over her shoulder he glared at Leonie but she just rolled her eyes again. 

She let go of him and they both sat back down. 

“But er… I do have news,” he admitted. 

Sara leant forward, placing her hands on the table. Even Leonie looked interested now. David tried to ignore the nerves in his stomach. They wouldn’t be horrible, they were his friends, but still, he felt uncomfortable. 

“Do tell,” Leonie said. 

“Ok but I don’t want to go into like all the details, I just want to tell you something and move on,” he said. 

Sara frowned. 

“Ok,” she said slowly. 

“I got a letter the other day, for top surgery, I have an appointment,” he said, letting out a deep breath. 

Leonie sat upright, serious now. 

“When?” she demanded. 

“Three weeks,” he said. 

“Ok. Ok that’s good. You don’t want to talk about it?” 

“I… it just makes me uncomfortable,” he said. 

“Ok but just... I’m happy for you,” she said, grinning at him. 

“So am I David, I’m so happy. This is so good,” Sara said. 

“I think right now it still doesn’t feel quite real, and it’s something I just don’t like thinking about. But I think once it’s done then I’ll be more comfortable talking about it, does that make sense?” he asked. 

He knew he didn’t need to justify himself to them, knew they would just accept his need not to talk about it but still. 

“Yeah of course,” Leonie said, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder. 

“I just don’t want all the questions I just, the specifics and how they relate to me, I just don’t feel comfortable,” he insisted. 

They both nodded. 

“I know, it’s fine David, you don’t have to answer anything, all we need to know is when it’s happening and when we can visit,” Sara said. 

“Yeah we’ll come and annoy you, you won’t be able to move at first right?” Leonie asked. 

“Right?” David said suspiciously. 

“Perfect,” Leonie said. 

“I won’t let you in the house,” David warned. 

“How will you stop us?” Leonie asked. 

“Sara won’t let you be mean,” David said. 

“I won't,” Sara agreed. 

“Thanks, Sara,” he said. 

“Were you nervous telling?” she asked, no accusation in her tone, just curiosity. 

“A bit but I wanted to,” he said. 

“I’m glad you felt comfortable,” Sara said. 

“You’re my best friends,” David said. 

Sara reached out and hugged him then, he hugged her back tight. Leonie sighed and rolled her eyes but after a few seconds, she joined them. 

“Ok so topic change?” Sara said when they pulled apart. 

“Yes please,” David said. 

“That was a callback, for a speaking part in a new crime drama,” Sara said. 

“Sara that’s so great,” Leonie said, not even trying to keep the pride from her voice. 

Sara beamed and grabbed her hugging her tightly. She hugged Leonie so much. It must be so painful, so bittersweet. She was far stronger than him, he would’ve broken long before now. 

“Well done Sara,” David said. 

“Thank you, David,” Sara said, pulling back from Leonie and beaming at him. 

He watched Leonie sigh and close her eyes for a moment before turning back to Sara. David had no idea how she did it. Kept all of it bottled up inside. She was incredibly strong, but she couldn’t keep it up for much longer. Something was going to break. And David was worried, but he knew they would get through it. They had to, they were Leonie and Sara. 

* * *

**Schreibner and his best friends**

_David (Thursday, 17.15): Can we change the name of this group please?_

_David (17.16): I have friends now_

_David (17.17): Sara can you change it?_

_Sara (17.18): No just Leonie sorry_

_Leonie (17.20): Nope I like it how it is_

_David (17.25): Leonie come on_

_David (17.26): I have friends_

_Leonie (17.27): Nope it just has such a ring to it_

_Sara (17.29): Leonie don’t be mean_

_Leonie changed the name of the group chat to Schreibner has one friend_

_David (17.33): Leonie_

_Leonie changed the name of the group chat to Schreibner has friends_

_David (17.36): Leonie take me out of the name completely_

_Leonie changed the name of the group chat to has friends_

_David (17.39): You’re not funny_

_Leonie changed the name of the group chat to Schreibner and his best friends_

_David (17.41): Ok_

_Leonie (17.42): Like it?_

_David (17.43): Yeah_

_Leonie (17.44): Because it's true_

_David (17.45): It is_

_Sara (17.47): Aw Leonie you are so sweet, you’re the absolute sweetest, this is why I love you_

_David (17.49): Isn’t she?_

_Sara (17.51): It’s all pretend you know all the tough girl schtick_

_David (17.53): Oh I know_

_Sara (18.00): Leonie where did you go?_

* * *

**Leonie**

_Leonie (Thursday, 17.50): This is killing me_

_David (17.52): Hang in there yeah?_

_Leonie (17.53): I don’t think I can take much more of this_

_David (17.54): Well you know what to do I can't suggest anything else at this point_

_Leonie (17.55): I’m so scared_

_David (17.57): I know_

_Leonie (18.01): I can’t lose her_

_David (18.03): You won’t I don’t know what will happen but you won’t lose her_

_David (18.04): She won’t just drop you Leonie_

_Leonie (18.05): You don’t know that_

_David (18.06): I do._

_Leonie (18.08): David we’ve been best friends our whole lives, I can’t lose that_

_David (18.10): I promise you won’t_

* * *

**Dad**

_David (Thursday, 20.07): That's not a fucking apology don’t be sorry that I feel shit, be sorry that you’ve made me feel like shit_

_Dad (20.15): I’m sorry. I am so sorry, I’m just not good at this. But it’s my fault, I know it’s my fault_

_Dad (20.21): I do love you, you and Laura both. So much, David, you two are all I care about. I am sorry that I never showed it. I never knew how I think. So I thought by buying you everything you needed that was enough. I’m starting to understand that it wasn’t_

_Dad (20.38): I’m sorry that sending you away hurt you but I would do it again, if I sent your mum away she would come back, she would be worse, she has fixated on this transgender thing and she won’t let it go. This was the best option I could see. But she does love you, David, it’s me she hates, and she takes it out on you. And that is not ok so I had to protect you you see?_

_Dad (20.42): I would like to try and make amends with you David_

_Dad (20.45): You know when Laura was born I swore I wouldn’t be like my parents, I ended up just the same._

_Dad (20.51): I have no excuses, but I want to try harder, I want to be there for you like you need_

_David (21.33): I need some time_

_Dad (21.37): I understand, when you’re ready David_

* * *

**Amira**

_Amira (Friday, 09.03): This thing with the clothes how long has it been going on?_

_Matteo (10.14): What?_

_Amira (10.16): You needing to wear certain clothes how long has that been going on?_

_Matteo (10.23): Why_

_Amira (10.24): Just an idea I had_

_Matteo (10.27): Leave it alone Amira_

_Amira (10.28): No Matteo I think I might know what’s going on with you_

_Matteo (10.29): Amira please leave it alone_

_Amira (10.31): Fine_

* * *

**Amira**

_Amira (Friday, 12.15): I think I know what’s going on with Matteo_

_David (12.17): I know he told me_

_David (12.18): I don’t want you to tell me, I don’t want to talk about Matteo without him._

_David (12.23): I think I get it, you like to solve things but Matteo is not a problem you need to solve._

_David (12.25): Whatever you’ve found out could you keep it to yourself?_

_David (12.29): We have to do this at his pace Amira. I want Matteo to figure things out himself and what it means to him without me or you intervening and pushing him before he’s ready ok?_

_David (12.31): He doesn’t need you googling him and diagnosing him_

_David (12.36): He needs to come to terms with how he’s feeling and understand that some of it’s not going to go away by itself and he needs to let people help. And some of the stuff won’t ever go away, but maybe if he’s willing to let someone help him he can learn how to cope with it not let it take over him like it does_

_Amira (12.37): you already know don’t you?_

_David (12.39): yeah_

_David (12.42): look just be there for him ok?_

_Amira (12.45): I am David I’m trying to help here._

_Amira (12.52): no you’re right I’m not being fair_

_Amira (12.53): I’ll be there for him when he’s ready_

_David (12.55): He’ll come to you first_

_Amira (12.59): I’ll be ready for him_

* * *

**Tay**

_David (Friday, 13.17): Yesterday I texted dad, told him how I felt_

_David (13.19): He wants to try_

_David (13.21): I told him I needed time_

_David (13.23): He told me mum loves me_

_David (13.24): That she hates him and she takes it out on me_

_David (13.26): That's not fucking fair_

_David (13.27): He should stop her_

_David (13.28): I can’t deal with all of this, I don't even know how_

_Tay (13.37): Don’t get dragged into it, let them fight it out themselves, your parents are fucked up_

_Tay (13.40): Are you going to talk to your mum_

_David (13.43): No_

_David (13.44): I don’t want to_

_Tay (13.46): That’s fine, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to_

* * *

**Markus is a baby who drinks too much 🍻⚽**

_Finn (Friday, 15.31): Are we all ready for practice?_

_Markus (15.41): I’m so tired_

_Markus (15.43): Also can we change the name of the chat?_

_Finn (15.45): No_

_Finn (15.48): David you wanna run laps again_

_David (15.55): Yeah see you at 17_

_Markus (16.01): Guys I'm so tired_

_Markus (16.03): I don’t think I can go out tonight_

_Emil (16.05): We don’t have to we could just chill Markus_

_Markus (16.07): Yeah I need to chill_

_David (16.09: Me and Matteo are having dinner with my sister later so we can't go out anyway_

_Emil (16.17): Ok no clubbing tonight, Markus come out for one drink then you and me can get a pizza and just chill, Finn you can join_

_Finn (16.19): Sounds good to me_

* * *

Matteo and Laura were cooking. Laura was teaching Matteo how to make falafels from scratch. It wasn’t anything particularly tricky but Matteo was complaining about the texture, not enjoying mixing it with his hands. Kept saying it was too sticky. Even though he made bread dough all the time. 

David was watching them from where he sat waiting at the table. He was hungry but he didn’t mind waiting. He was enjoying watching them bickering, Laura gently chastising Matteo whenever he complained or did something wrong. 

“It just feels gross,” Matteo muttered. 

Laura tapped his hand with a wooden spoon, he grumbled but continued to roll the mixture with his hands. Still pulling a face. Laura left him to it. She approached the table and sat down, frowning at David, she obviously had something to say. 

“So,” she said carefully. 

“So?” 

“Mum called,” she said. 

David wasn’t that surprised, he knew she called Laura sometimes and what with everything that was going on she was probably desperate to find out what was going on. Especially if their dad wasn’t telling her anything. He’d been ignoring her texts, she must’ve been so annoyed. 

“And?” he asked. 

“She wants us to come over for dinner, to discuss things,” Laura said. 

There was no way that was happening, he was not going over for dinner just to be yelled at and insulted. Discuss things? Yeah right, he knew how she worked. She’d tried being mean, now she would try to be nice, dinner and sweet words to try and talk him out of this. Well, it wasn’t happening. 

“Nothing to discuss I went to see dad on Tuesday,” he said. 

Laura sat up straight, frowning at him. 

“What?” she said, staring at him in shock. 

He realised maybe he should have told her he was going, but he’d just been so determined to get this sorted on his own. He didn’t need her always holding his hand anymore, didn’t want to drag her into this. 

“What? I wanted to talk to him about my surgery,” he explained. 

“You didn’t tell me,” she said quietly. 

Was she upset? He’d been thinking of her, trying to spare her the pain of seeing him. 

“Yeah I just went to the office,” he said. 

“You didn’t tell me you were going to see him,” she said. 

She really was upset, looking like she was about to cry. But she was annoyed too, tapping her foot. She was irritated with him. Angry almost. 

“Well I didn’t want to drag you into it,” David said, trying to keep the peace while he worked out what was going on. 

“I would have gone with you,” Laura said, standing up. 

She marched over to the hob and grabbed the frying pan, shoving it to one side and turning the heat off. Matteo flinched and took a step back from her. But she ignored him, walked over to the table, placing her hands on the table and leaning over him. 

David wasn’t having that, he stood up, squared his shoulders and she took a step back. Began to pace the room. 

“It’s fine Laura, dad is happy to pay for everything,” he said as calmly as he could. 

He was confused about why she was angry, he’d done nothing wrong but he didn’t want to upset her. She was misunderstanding something. 

“That’s not the fucking point,” she said. 

David stared at her, what was she so mad at? He knew their parents were terrible but why was she taking this out on him? 

“What’s going on?” he asked. 

She just laughed but this wasn’t funny. 

“Did you ever think that maybe I would want to see dad?” she asked. 

“I- what?” 

Why would she? She was on his side, wasn’t she? 

“No, of course, you didn’t. It’s just not fair, you get to go see him and he’s paying for all this stuff for you and I just have to go along with it,” she said. 

That wasn’t fair. That wasn’t fair at all, David felt himself getting really angry. These weren’t the latest toys his dad was paying for. This was his life. This was the only thing that could make him feel whole, how dare she fucking reduce it down to money. He went to see him because he had to, not because he wanted to. 

“I didn’t fucking choose this Laura!” he yelled. 

“No I know but it’s not fucking fair!” she yelled back. “I had to leave them too! You just show up and no one tells me anything and I just have to accept that I don’t get to see them anymore. It’s not fair!” 

“Fair? You want to talk about fair how about the fact that my own fucking mother hates me-” 

“Well, she hates me too because of you!” Laura screamed. “And I can’t love her anymore can I? Because she hates you!” 

David was off, he didn’t need to hear this, he stormed out of the kitchen. He shoved his shoes on, grabbed his jacket and he was off. He slammed the door as he went. He didn’t need this right now. How dare she? As if this was all deliberate. He’d never said she couldn’t talk to their dad, he'd never asked that of her. Fuck he wanted to scream. He wanted to smash everything in his way. 

He marched off two blocks then stopped, breathing heavily. He kicked the wall a few times then slumped against it and waited. Because he’d promised. A few minutes later Matteo showed up, tripping and stumbling over his untied laces. He hadn’t even stopped to tie them. Too desperate to catch up with him. He was breathing heavily from running after him. David sighed at the picture he painted. If it wasn’t such a serious situation it would be funny how unfit he was. But it wasn’t funny, right now it was nothing but sad, the fear in his eyes because he thought that David was going to up and disappear again. Because that’s what he did, that’s what he’d done. But he wouldn’t not this time. He’d waited. 

David took a deep breath and calmed himself a little. It wouldn’t do to scare him now. 

“I waited,” he whispered, 

Matteo nodded, still looking a little scared but relieved too. 

David knelt down and tied his laces for him, then fastened his jacket when he stood up again. 

“Let’s run away,” he whispered. 

Matteo nodded again and took his outstretched hand. 

They ran. 

They ended up in an old abandoned apartment block halfway between his and Matteo’s apartments. It looked like it had been repossessed and then nobody had bothered to do anything with it since. They climbed up to the third floor and settled in one of the old apartments with no lock on the door. 

There was no furniture, all the rooms were bare and a bit damp. It was dark and cold but they set up camp in what would have been the living room. David checked his pockets and pulled out his torch. He clicked it on and then turned on the torch on his phone too. He didn’t care about the battery, the only person he wanted to talk to was here with him. 

The light cast long shadows on the wall, making it even creepier and more abandoned. It was a dump, graffiti all over the walls, rubbish strewn about, a dodgy looking mattress in the corner of the room that they weren’t going anywhere near. But it was empty, quiet, and for now, it was safe. 

Matteo still hadn’t spoken. He and Laura had scared him with his yelling he knew that probably reminded him of fights he’d witnessed at home. But he was there now, they were ok, he was safe. 

“Are you ok?” David asked. 

“Are you?” Matteo asked back. 

“Not really,” David admitted. 

Matteo shuffled closer and sat behind him, wrapping his arms around him. David felt shaken, unsettled. 

“I didn’t realise she felt that way,” he admitted. 

But he was calm now, and he felt mean for yelling at her. He hadn’t been fair at all, he’d been quick to react and it had made him mean but she’d hurt him too. 

“She probably didn’t want to upset you,” Matteo said. 

“Laura and my dad are quite close, well as close as anyone can be with my dad,” David explained. 

“Oh,” Matteo said. 

“So it makes sense but I never said she couldn’t talk to him,” David said. 

He hadn’t but then he hadn’t said anything, hadn’t said it was ok either. So how was she to know? 

“What are they like really? Your parents. You said I could ask. I have an idea of what they’re like now, but what about when you were little? Like before… all… this? Sorry,” Matteo asked. 

“You can always ask, always,” David clarified. “My dad worked a lot, even when I was small, I can barely remember seeing him. My mum didn’t work but she wasn’t really interested either. Like I think she only had me and Laura because they’d been married five years and that was what you’re supposed to do next,” he said. 

Matteo nodded, David felt it in the way his hair tickled his face. 

“So I’m not close to either of them, but Laura was closer to dad, like whenever he was home she would follow him around, it didn't seem to annoy him either. I guess I was always too busy, I was never in the house, too busy exploring and wandering. But they should still love me, I’m their child, their son, they should still love me,” David insisted. 

“Yes they should, but it doesn’t always work like that does it?” he said, and it sounded so weary, so resigned that David tilted his head to look at him. 

Matteo was looking up at the ceiling like he often did when he was thinking. 

“Your dad doesn’t love you?” 

“He blames me for mum, she was fine before I was born,” Matteo said, looking down at him now. 

David sighed. Some people really shouldn’t be allowed to be parents. 

“Your mum loves you though,” David said. 

“Yeah she does,” Matteo said. 

David loved Matteo’s mother, she was one of the kindest women he’d ever met. And now that she was doing so much better she was so good for Matteo, and he was finally starting to let go of some of the guilt he had for leaving her. As jealous as it made him sometimes, he was so glad he had her. Matteo needed her. 

“What was your childhood like?” David asked, but he knew it was the wrong question. He felt Matteo freeze behind him. He stopped breathing. 

David crawled forward and turned around so he could face him. He took his hands. 

“Not good,” Matteo admitted. 

David nodded, he wasn’t going to push this. He just wondered when it started, had hoped that Matteo had at least some happy memories. 

“Mine was,” he said, “good I mean.” 

Matteo frowned at him. 

“Did you think it was bad?” 

He nodded. 

“Most people do, I get it. But it wasn’t really, I was happy too. I was allowed to do what I wanted really, so apart from hassle at school I was ok, I was happy. I could be who I wanted mostly. It was only as I started getting older that things with my mum became difficult. But I never gave in to her, I never tried to be the person she wanted me to be. Because she was wrong, that wasn’t me, and she just can’t accept that. And then my dad does apparently, it’s weird, he accepts it fine he’s just not that interested. But now he wants to try? It’s all a mess,” David said. 

Matteo nodded again, still quiet, still nervous. 

“Did I scare you?” David asked. 

“A little, not really it's just... it was both of you yelling. It just sets me on edge a bit,” Matteo explained. 

“Yeah I know, I'll talk to Laura,” David said. 

He felt really guilty about what had happened now, he shouldn’t have gone off on her like that. He’d been defensive, he was always mean when he felt under attack. But she was his sister, he needed to be kinder, she was allowed to be upset about this stuff. 

“You need to apologise to her,” Matteo said. 

“I mean she was wrong too,” David argued, it wasn’t completely his fault. 

He’d been angry yeah, but she’d been mean to him. 

“Then you should apologise to each other,” Matteo suggested. 

“Yeah we will,” David said. 

“And you mustn't yell at her like that again,” Matteo said, reaching out and tilting his head up to face him. 

David smiled, he was a typical only child. 

“She’s my sister, we’re gonna yell at each other sometimes,” he said. 

But Matteo wasn’t having it, he shook his head furiously. 

“You can’t, you mustn't David, she’s your family, you can’t,” he said. “She shouldn’t yell at you either, it’s not ok,” he insisted. “Look what's happened, now we’re here. You both got so angry so quickly and now you’re both sad. And Laura is alone,” he said. 

David frowned at him. He was really upset, he felt guilty too, for going after David and leaving Laura by herself. But it wasn’t that simple though, sometimes it was hard to be rational when emotions got involved. 

“I’ll try Matteo, but Laura and me, we’re ok. We've fought like this before. I promise we’re ok, she’s not going to fall out with me over this. But I will talk to her about this, without the yelling and the screaming,” David promised. 

Matteo seemed unconvinced but he accepted it. David grabbed his rucksack and puffed it up so he could use it as a pillow. He laid down and pulled Matteo on top of him. It was uncomfortable but he didn't care. He didn’t want to leave yet. 

“This is nice,” he said. 

Matteo looked up at him. 

“What?” 

“This, in here it's nice,” David said. 

“No?” 

“No I mean obviously this is a shithole, but it’s nice though, almost like our own place,” David explained. 

“Yeah it is, no Hans or Linn or Laura, just us,” Matteo said. 

“Exactly, just us,” David said. “That would be nice,” he murmured. 

They laid there for far longer than his back was happy about. In fact, David would’ve stayed there all night in that little bubble they’d created, but Matteo started shivering after a while, and nothing David could do would warm him up. So he pulled him up and they headed to the WG. He wasn’t ready yet to face Laura. 

As they left, David memorised the streets, he wanted to come back here, it was nice, it was fun to have somewhere to hide with Matteo. It was not quite running away, but still somewhere to escape from his problems.

* * *

**Laura**

_Laura (Friday, 22.02): Hey is David ok?_

_Matteo (22.15): Yeah we’re back at mine he’s in the bathroom_

_Laura (22.17): Sorry if I scared you_

_Matteo (22.19): It’s fine_

_Laura (22.22): No it isn't I shouldn’t have yelled like that and I shouldn’t have slammed the pan like I did I’m really sorry Matteo_

_Matteo (22.25): You did scare me, both of you. I’ve never seen you yell, David I have, but not the two of you at each other. It scared me._

_Laura (22.27): I’m so sorry Matteo, I really hope you don’t unsafe coming over here anymore_

_Matteo (22.29): I’m ok. David shouldn’t have yelled at you either are you ok?_

_Laura (22.31): Not really_

_Matteo (22.33): You need to talk to each other. He’s here now. He’s not mad. Just a bit sad too._

_Matteo (22.35): You need to tell him how you feel, he misses them too, you both miss them and you should talk about it_

_Laura (22.37): Matteo I’m so glad he met you, I’m so glad you’re there for him_

_Matteo (22.39): He’s there for me too_

* * *

**Laura**

_David (22.51): I’m sorry_

_Laura (22.52): Me too_

_David (22.55): I’m at Matteo’s_

_Laura (23.01): I know he told me_

_David (23.05): I didn’t realise he was texting you_

_Laura (23.07): I texted him to check you were ok, didn’t think you’d reply to me_

_David (23.15): Laura I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I went_

_Laura (23.17): I knew you’d be with Matteo, it’s ok_

_David (23.21): It’s not though._

_David (23.22): None of this is ok_

_David (23.23): I’m gonna stay here a few days but when I come home I think we should talk_

_Laura (23.25): Yeah, I promise I won’t yell_

_David (23.27): I love you Laura_

_Laura (23.28): I know. I love you too, I promise_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [moodboard for this chapter can be found here!](http://youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com/post/190566336032/every-version-of-me-dead-and-buried-in-the-yard)  
>   
> up next - confessions, heartbreak and hospitals


	5. i will not run in circles, ending where i start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It hadn’t felt quite real when he’d gotten the letter. Sure he’d been excited but then there was the drama with his mum and despite his father’s reassurances, it was still there in the back of his mind. That this might all be snatched away. Until today, now it felt real. There were still two weeks to go but it was happening.
> 
> And he couldn't wait.

####  **Laura**

_Laura (Sunday, 21.32): are you coming home?_

_David (21.42): yeah in the morning_

_David (21.43): about ten, I don't have a class until the afternoon so_

_David (21.45): we should talk shouldn't we?_

_Laura (21.51): I think we have to we need to talk about what's going on_

_Laura (21.53): I'm really sorry for yelling at you_

_Laura (21.54): I hope that's not why you're staying away_

_David (21.57): no Laura I promise, I just want to make sure I’m calm before I come home, if I came back yesterday even though I'm so sorry for yelling at you, I can't promise we wouldn't end up fighting again_

_Laura (22.00): that makes sense_

_Laura (22.03): are you calm now?_

_David (22.04): yeah_

_David (22.07): I’m sad_

_Laura (22.09): David I'm so sorry_

_David (22.11): me too, I'm so so sorry laura_

_Laura (22.15): I love you, you know that right? More than them, more than anyone_

_David (22.16): I know_

_David (22.19): I knew but it felt like you didn't for a moment on Friday it felt like you didn't and I defaulted to angry because otherwise I would have broken right there in front_

_Laura (22.23): David come home please_

_David (22.25): I promise I'll be there in the morning_

_Laura (22.27): ok_

* * *

David had hidden at Matteo's all weekend despite the fact he'd promised to clear the air with Laura as soon as possible. Matteo hadn't pushed him though, probably thought if David went back before he was ready it would just end up in another screaming match. But that wouldn’t happen. David was sure he could stay calm.

Still, he couldn't avoid her forever. Nor did he want to. He missed her, missed talking to her, missed having her on his side. He hoped she was still on his side. She said she loved him at least.

So he went home. Matteo had kicked him out at six in the end. Complaining his worrying was keeping him awake. Then he'd run after him and walked with him to the bus stop. Knowing he was still feeling anxious about all this. But he told him it would be fine, they just needed to talk it out. It would be ok.

So here he was. He dragged his feet as he climbed the stairs. He didn't know why he felt so bad this time. He and Laura fought all the time. They were siblings, it was normal. They were both passionate people, David quick to anger and Laura always one to defend herself aggressively. They’d bickered and fought all their lives since he was a toddler and pestering her for attention and she was stealing his toys to annoy him. But they never fell out for long. It had always been the two of them against the adults.

He’d trusted her always, as soon as he figured out he was trans, he’d gone to her age twelve, and just like he’d expected she’d accepted him immediately. Promised to always love him and support him. Just like he’d known she would. Despite the three and a bit years between them, they were incredibly close.

But he’d felt called out when Matteo told him they shouldn't be yelling at each other. That he wouldn’t back down on that, even after David tried to normalise it. He knew part of it was Matteo’s trauma talking. But he was probably right, they weren't kids anymore they needed to talk properly, solve their problems rationally. Screaming at each other didn’t solve anything and left them both feeling bad. He’d felt shitty all weekend, felt close to tears and lonely even with Matteo there with him, he couldn’t imagine how he’d left Laura feeling.

"Laura?" David called out, stepping into the flat and kicking off his shoes. He knew she'd be in the kitchen so he headed straight there. She was waiting for him, even though he was three and a half hours early. He stood awkwardly in the doorway as she approached him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Me too, I'm so sorry Laura," he said.

She carefully pulled him into a hug. But it felt more tentative than usual. But they were ok. They had to be. They needed to talk but they were ok. They sat down at the table and Laura poured him a cup of tea. He didn't really like tea and she knew that, but he wasn't going to complain right now. She was sad and he would do anything to take that look off her face. Plus holding the warm cup was comforting and gave him something to do with his hands.

"I'm sorry for what I said about it being your fault. It isn't ok? None of this is your fault, and I’ve never blamed you. It's just... I miss them ok? I know I shouldn't but I do,” she said quietly.

David nodded. Because he missed them too, even though he desperately didn’t want to, he did. He missed them now more than ever, but unlike Laura, with their dad especially, he was missing something he’d never had. She was missing something real and it was harder for her. He’d never even thought about it until they were screaming at each other. And it had panicked him and made him scream more, because what if she thought he wasn’t worth it anymore? He was so afraid of losing her.

"But Laura I never said you couldn't see them,” he said.

“I know but I felt like I had to choose a side,” she said. “Because they were wrong and you were right. I had to be on your side,” she said, “it’s always the two of us David.”

David nodded.

“Right but-”

“And I don't care, it's not hard for me to choose you over mum, but it's harder with dad. I know you don't get it,” she said. “But it was hard for me.”

They were close, David knew that but because he’d tried so hard not to care, so hard to ignore his feelings about them, he’d forgotten Laura’s too. He felt so bad about it, so scared she’d realise how selfish he’d been. Scared she’d pick up that he’d completely disregarded her feelings and hate him for it.

Friday night had been his typical defensive response, but he’d never wanted to push her like that. Matteo was right, by yelling at her he was pushing her away, hurting her. Yes, she’d yelled too, yes she was wrong too. They both were and they couldn’t fight again, not like that. They’d never understand each other like that.

“It scared me, on Friday. I never meant to make you choose, but I realised it then and it felt like you were regretting everything like you felt you’d made the wrong choice and I hated it- I thought you were giving up on-”

Laura rushed around the table and pulled him close, clinging to him. He held her back just as fiercely.

“No David! No! Never!” she insisted, holding him tight.

He just gripped her sweater and tried to calm his breathing. After a few minutes, she pulled back and sat down again. This time pulling the chair around so they were sitting close together.

“I know you don’t tell me everything, and that’s fine, but to go see dad without me? That really hurt me, David, because I know you hate him, but I can’t-”

“I don’t hate him, I don’t even hate mum. I try so hard but I can’t,” he admitted.

She nodded and stepped back, sitting down at the table again, her chair closer to his now.

“I’m sorry I didn’t take you with me, that you didn’t get to see him but if it makes you feel any better he was too busy anyway, only had about five minutes to spare for me,” David said.

“Well did you make an appointment?”

David snorted.

“Seriously?”

“It’s just how he is David, he’s really bad at deviating from his routines,” she explained.

“That’s such bullshit though,” David muttered.

They were his kids, they shouldn’t have to make appointments to see him. He didn’t get how Laura just accepted this. She obviously read that on his face because she reached out and took his hand.

“I know you think he’s cold and distant but he isn’t with me,” she said.

“Well yeah you’re his favourite, his perfect little angel,” he said.

But he didn’t resent her, not really. He’d never been bothered about it. His dad was boring, he’d never wanted to try and keep up a relationship with the man. They were too different, David had always been a bit wild, his dad was far more reserved. Much happier hiding in his office. He was never going to be the kind of dad that came outside with him to kick a ball around, let alone some of the other stuff David got up to.

“Ok but we weren’t always close,” Laura said.

“He used to spend time with you though,” David said.

“Do you know what we did?”

He shook his head all he saw was Laura following after their dad, chattering away about school, or her friends. His dad never seemed to say much.

“I would sit with him in the study, and he would read me the newspaper. Or some legal stuff, once he gave me a presentation on business mergers,” she said, sniggering at the memory.

David started to laugh too. That was ridiculous, did the man really think a nine-year-old would want to hear about that?

“What?”

“He’s that bad, he’s that bad with everyone, but he’s really bad with children. Yes, you know what? He probably should have learned to read me a bedtime story, or play games. But I never complained? I didn’t really care, so he just carried on. Thought I enjoyed hearing about it and I think he just loved having someone to talk to. And as I got older I started asking questions and talking with him more and it was easier I think. We just got more comfortable around each other. I know it’s a bit dumb, and you would think he shouldn’t need to warm up to his own children, but he does. He really does love you, he just doesn’t know how to talk to you, he’s just a bit shit basically,” she said.

“I know,” David said.

He believed her, he believed his dad when he told him the same.

“But it's not enough, he should stand up for me, he should stand up to her,” David said.

She nodded.

“He should but there’s other stuff going on there, stuff that we shouldn’t even be dragged into. And he's just not good at that stuff, he's not good with conflict, I don’t think he’s ever stood up to anyone his entire life,” Laura said.

“Isn’t his job literally to argue all day with all those fancy people?” David asked.

Not good with conflict? All David could remember of his dad was him arguing on the phone all the time.

“And he hates it. Did you know he wanted to be a librarian, or something quiet like that, where he could just be mostly by himself? But mum and grandpa pushed him into working in the city. He never even wanted to move here, he loved our first house,” Laura explained.

“Oh,” David said.

That actually did make sense based on the state of his office. He didn’t fit in with the rest of the building at all. There wasn’t much he could say to that, and it wasn’t something he could do anything about. It also wasn’t something he thought his father should be burdening Laura with, but perhaps he hadn’t. Perhaps she’d just figured it out. She was always good at that. And they clearly talked. A lot. They were a lot closer than even David realised.

And then she’d just stopped talking to him, just like that, for him. And his father too didn’t seem to begrudge him the loss of his daughter.

“He's miserable you know, I think he resents it. The family that stopped him from doing what he wanted. And he doesn't want us to see that so he just avoids us,” she said.

“I didn't realise,” David said.

“I know. You were young and dealing with enough,” she said.

“I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't see him. You should as much as you want Laura,” David said.

“And you won't be upset?” she asked.

He never meant to make her choose. But he wanted her on his side, so he understood why she felt she had no choice. And all this time he thought the man didn’t give a damn about him. That wasn’t true. He needed to try harder. But like Tay and Matteo both said, he had a chance here to form an entirely new relationship with his father. It wouldn’t be easy, he would probably have to be far more patient than he was used to. But he wanted to, he wanted a dad. He wanted a mum too. Desperately, but he didn’t think that was an option right now.

“No, I promise,” David said. “Laura you should talk to him, whenever you want, I won’t be upset,” he said.

“Will you give him a chance?” she asked carefully.

“Yes,” he said, surprising himself, “not yet but I will. He has to try harder though,” he said.

“And are we ok?” she asked quietly. “I feel like we've never misunderstood each other like that before,” she said.

She was right. Yes, they’d fought before over trivial things. Over big things too, but never something like that. Never had they blamed each other and hit out at their weaknesses like that before. Never had David wanted to make her sad, just because she was hurting him. None of what happened on Friday was ok. He shouldn’t have let it get to that. When had they stopped talking to each other?

“We're fine Laura I promise. We've fought before, haven’t we? We’re fine, we’ll be ok,” he said.

“This felt different,” she said quietly.

“Yeah it did, it scared me. This is the first time I felt you weren’t on my side,” David admitted.

“I'll always be on your side, David. Always,” she promised. “I will always put you first. If you’re wrong I will tell you, but you come first, over mum, over dad, over anyone,” she said.

David got up then and grabbed her, hugging her so tight. She held him back just as hard.

This would never happen again, he was certain of it. He would never let them misunderstand each other like that again. They shouldn’t have screamed at each other like that. Matteo was right, it wasn’t ok. It wasn’t ok at all. They must never let it get like that again.

But they would be ok. They had to be, she was his family. The only person who’d been there for him his whole life. They would be ok, but maybe he would have to try harder. He’d taken her for granted and that had to stop now.

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_Matteo (Monday, 09.17): you ok?_

_Matteo (09.18): is Laura ok?_

_David (09.21): yeah_

_David (09.22): I think we are_

_David (09.23): Matteo I took her for granted_

_Matteo (09.26): I think we tend to do that with family sometimes_

_Matteo (09.29): especially when there are sides_

_Matteo (09.31): Because it's never black and white is it?_

_David (09.32): no_

_David (09.34): and I thought she was on my side so she hated them too_

_Matteo (09.36): but David no matter how hard you try you've told me many times now that you don't hate them so if you can't it's not that surprising she can't either_

_David (09.39): yeah you're right_

_David (09.41): but I thought she did because she literally never spoke about them_

_David (09.42): and I was trying so hard to hate them that I didn't see it_

_Matteo (09.45): she didn't talk about them because it was too hard for her_

_Matteo (09.47): and she probably thought it was hard for you that you didn't want to talk about them either_

_Matteo (09.50): wow what a misunderstanding_

_Matteo (09.51): you two need to talk more_

_Matteo (09.51): about your FEELINGS damn_

_Matteo (09.52): it won't kill you, either of you_

_Matteo (09.53): stop bottling up your shit_

_Matteo (09.56): you two are very similar you know? both a bit too stubborn for your own good and like so passionate too when you're angry no wonder you clashed_

_Matteo (09.57): but don't worry I love you anyway_

_Matteo (09.58): both of you_

_David (10.04): that means a lot to Laura she's worried she scared you_

_Matteo (10.08): I'm fine I promise but maybe tell her I'm too scared to make falafels anymore because that was gross_

_David (10.09): christ Matteo it's just mushed up chickpeas and onion isn't it?_

_Matteo (10.11): yeah but I could feel some of them in there_

_Matteo (10.12): the chickpeas_

_Matteo (10.13): I don't like it_

_David (10.14): ok Matteo no more falafels_

_Matteo (10.15): I win_

_Matteo (10.15):_ 😁

_David (10.16): you always win_

* * *

####  **Leonie**

_Leonie (Tuesday, 10.29): hey are you busy today? Can we hang out at some point?_

_Leonie (10.33): I just want to talk_

_Leonie (10.37): no pressure, just let me know_

_Leonie (10.40): David?_

_Leonie (10.43): I really need you_

_David (10.56): hey sorry I’m in class._

_David (10.56): let’s meet this afternoon, I'm meeting for a study group at java, but I'll be done by three_

_Leonie (10.57): thanks I’ll meet you after_

_David (10.58): are you ok?_

_Leonie (11.23): just Sara stuff I’m fine, I just need to talk, I need to vent if that’s ok_

_Leonie (11.27): actually no I'm not ok, David I'm hurting so much_

_David (11.43): shit look I can skip my next class_

_Leonie (11.47): I can’t I’ve got economics 2, but I'll see you at three ok_

_David (11.49): see you there, you’ll be ok Leonie, I promise_

_Leonie (11.53): thank you David_

* * *

David was learning that Chloe and Lucy bickered a lot. Pretty much all the time. Anytime Chloe had an idea, Lucy would shoot it down almost immediately. But Chloe never seemed to get fed up of it. In fact, David was pretty sure their bickering was fond. And Peter seemed used to it. They’d all known each other since high school, but never seemed to treat David like an outsider to the group. They all acted like they’d known him for a lot longer. They’d let him into their little group and behaved like he was their lifelong friend.

They were currently working on Rainbow City and Lucy and Chloe were arguing over some of the rules. Chloe was of the opinion that the curfew should be at midnight, Lucy thought it should be at ten. David thought there were probably more important things to figure out but he wasn’t going to get in between them right now. He was pretty sure they were arguing for the sake of arguing, and neither of them really cared what time curfew was, just didn’t want to back down.

“David?”

He looked up, Leonie was standing awkwardly by the table hovering. She was early, he hadn’t expected her to show up yet. She was supposed to meet him outside, but not for another hour at least.

“Hey Leonie,” he said quietly.

He was really worried now, he’d been worried since her texts. She seemed all out of sorts, shaking where she stood.

“I know you’re busy but could I talk to you just for a minute?” she asked, twisting her hands, “please,” she whispered.

“Ok?” David said, gesturing for her to sit with them.

Lucy moved up to make space in the booth for her.

“Sit down with us,” she said.

“Hey, are you ok?” Chloe asked.

Leonie was trembling. She’d obviously been crying.

Chloe got up and went to the counter. Leonie sat down next to David and buried her face in her hands. She started to cry again.

“Leonie, what’s going on?” David asked gently.

He wrapped an arm around her and held her close.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she whispered.

“Sara?”

“She has a date, with some fucking guy from her theatre class and I just can’t David- I can’t- I can’t-” she continued to sob.

Chloe sat back down and placed a cup in front of Leonie.

“It’s tea, chamomile,” she said.

Leonie nodded and took a deep breath. She held the cup and closed her eyes for a moment.

“Sorry, who is Sara?” Lucy asked.

“Leonie’s best friend, she’s in love with her,” David explained.

Lucy nodded.

“Oh man that’s rough, and she has no idea?” Lucy asked.

“No and I can’t bear it anymore,” Leonie whispered.

“Then you need to tell her,” Lucy insisted.

“She is my _best_ friend,” Leonie said.

“You won’t lose her,” Chloe promised.

“You can’t know that,” Leonie said.

David continued to hold her and she leant against him heavily.

“I really don’t think you will though,” he said.

She shook her head.

“Leonie,” David said.

She looked up at him.

“You won’t lose her. I… I don’t know how Sara feels, I'm sorry that I can’t promise better, but even if she doesn’t feel the same she won’t want to lose you as a friend, and she won’t want to hurt you,” David said.

“Yeah, she’ll probably be better around you, help make it easier. But you may have a chance,” Chloe said.

“I want it so bad,” Leonie said, pressing closer to David.

“How long?” Lucy asked.

“Years, seriously since I was twelve, but I just kept ignoring it, I tried to get over her, I even dated Jonas,” Leonie said.

“Did you try dating other girls?” Chloe asked.

“I couldn't, not if it wasn’t her,” Leonie explained.

Chloe and Lucy nodded, obviously understanding.

“Ok, then you really need to talk to her,” Lucy insisted.

“Hi er… may I chip in?” Peter asked hesitantly.

He’d been so quiet that David had forgotten he was there.

“Peter is straight,” Chloe warned.

Leonie laughed weakly and wiped her eyes.

“You can,” she said.

“Ok you came here saying you couldn’t keep going like this, so it seems to me you’re at breaking point. You obviously can’t keep this a secret anymore, so you only really have two options, tell her how you feel and risk your friendship. Or walk away from the friendship, I mean it’s obvious, right? You have two options but really you only have one choice left, talk to Sara,” Peter said.

Leonie nodded.

“Damn Peter you’re kinda smart,” Chloe said.

“He’s a writer,” Lucy told Leonie, rolling her eyes.

Leonie just sniffled and smiled, just a little.

“Thank you, Peter. Thank you, everyone, I… I'm going to do it,” she said.

David grinned at her and they all cheered. She was going to do it, Leonie was finally going to talk to Sara, they were going to work things out. David was sure of it. They were Leonie and Sara, they had to be ok. He didn’t know what would happen between them, he hoped that Leonie could get what she wanted, but if not then they would be ok. It would be hard for them at first, but they would work it out.

* * *

####  **Gay Movie Nerds and Peter**

_Lucy (Tuesday, 21.03): If Leonie doesn't mind can you keep us up to date with what happens David?_

_Chloe (21.11): do you want her number? I got it at soc_

_Lucy (21.15): yes please_

_Chloe (21.17): it's going to be fine, I’m sure of it_

_Lucy (21.19): what do you think will happen you're usually good at this_

_Chloe (21.21): ok so even though she's told us she's gonna talk she'll chicken out but it's too late she's at breaking point so she'll spill anyway_

_Chloe (21.23): and it probably won't be as loving or eloquent as she'd planned_

_Lucy (21.25): and Sara will get upset?_

_Chloe (21.27): yeah she'll think Leonie is being insincere because of the suddenness of it all_

_Lucy (21.31): she'll probably be overwhelmed_

_Chloe (21.34): she probably won't want to talk_

_Lucy (21.35): maybe she'll walk away_

_Chloe (21.36): probably I mean especially if she feels the same way_

_Lucy (21.37): I hope she does_

_Chloe (21.38): me too_

_Chloe (21.40): but essentially they'll just need to keep talking_

_Chloe (21.41): until they’re on the same page_

_Chloe (21.42): until the misunderstanding is gone_

_Chloe (21.44): and then they're in love and they're happy_

_Lucy (21.46): yes oh I'm so glad it's all going to work out_

_David (21.51): wow_

_David (21.52): you're in agreement_

_Chloe (21.55): Lucy and I always agree on lesbian matters_

_Lucy (21.56): word_

_Peter (22.07): can I remind you all the purpose of this chat_

_Lucy (22.09): oh like you haven't been reading along the past hour we see the blue ticks dumbass_

_Peter (22.15): irrelevant but I do hope your friends work it out David_

_David (22.17): thanks Peter_

* * *

####  **all the single ladies 💃🏽**

_Chloe created the group “all the single ladies 💃🏽”_

_Chloe added Leonie_

_Chloe added Lucy_

_Chloe (Wednesday, 09.15): hi Leonie_

_Chloe (09.16): welcome to our group_

_Lucy (09.17): it's just me and you Chloe_

_Chloe (09.20): yeah but I thought Leonie could do with the support_

_Chloe (09.22): we’re here for you Leonie_

_Leonie (09.27): thank you_

_Leonie (09.28): thank you so much_

_Chloe (09.30): no problem_

_Chloe (09.31): obviously I will change the name as soon as you and Sara get together_

_Leonie (09.42): I'm going to talk to her tomorrow_

_Leonie (09.43) I'm so scared_

_Lucy (09.44): any idea what you're going to say?_

_Leonie (09.51): I just I want to tell her I love her but like how much I need her to know this isn't new or a random thing_

_Leonie (09.53): that I've loved her my whole life_

_Leonie (09.54): because I don't want to overwhelm her_

_Leonie (09.56): but she's likely to not believe me_

_Leonie (09.59): not that I love her but how serious I am_

_Leonie (10.01): she doesn't think people love her_

_Lucy (10.04): ah you gotta convince her_

_Chloe (10.07): ok all you gotta do is sit down talk with her be sincere and tell her everything and if she does get overwhelmed give her time_

_Leonie (10.09): ok_

_Leonie (10.13): thanks ladies_

* * *

“So you and Laura are ok now?” Matteo asked, shuffling against David.

They were on the bus, standing by the middle doors with bags of grocery shopping on the floor by their feet. Matteo was leaning against the window, head tilted back, staring up at the adverts but not really focusing on them. Just trying to tune out all the other passengers. David stood in front of him, just smiling at him.

Things were still a little awkward between him and Laura though, he knew she was talking to his dad again but yet they weren’t talking about it. Which they’d never done before. Ok, he didn’t tell her everything, but he talked to her about all the important stuff. And this was important, but they were ignoring it. Everything still felt a bit fragile, and he didn't want to fight again, so he just found himself not talking about it. Even though they probably should.

“I don’t know, you were right I think. There was something different about this time like I always thought Laura had my back,” he said, stepping closer to Matteo.

He glanced around, no one was paying them any attention, so he let go of the bar and leant against him. Matteo kept hold of the overhead handles with one hand and wrapped his other arm around him.

“She does,” Matteo insisted.

“But she… I’m scared she resents me, that she blames me for splitting up the family,” David whispered.

He hated this.

“No, she doesn't David. You’ve misunderstood each other is all. You need to keep talking to each other ok? One conversation after an argument isn't enough, stop ignoring it. Talk to her please, keep talking,” Matteo said.

“You’re so wise,” David said.

“Not really,” Matteo said.

“Yes you are, you’re really observant yeah? Always watching everyone, solving them,” David said.

Matteo stayed quiet, just staring into space for a moment. David sighed and pulled him back to the present, they had to get off the bus. They stepped off and began to walk down the street.

David was going with him to Ingrid’s then heading to school after. Matteo had made him come along to help him carry the groceries he’d picked up. David didn’t mind, he was able to hold the bags in one hand and Matteo’s hand in the other. Matteo only had one bag, but he insisted it was very heavy. It wasn’t.

It was nice out here though, everything was bigger and more spacious. Houses rather than apartments, with gardens, along big leafy streets. Matteo had grown up near here, not quite this far out, but closer than either of their current apartments. It was a nice area, the kind of place you moved to when it was time to start a family. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city. It was nice but David knew he would hate it. Too quiet. Too boring. Too much like the stuffy home he’d left behind. All the houses were new here, no character to them. Give him an abandoned apartment block any day.

“Er…”

David was pulled out of his daydreams about housing, he looked to Matteo who’d stopped them outside what must have once been a rather grand house. Detached, two storeys, surrounded by a large, wild overgrown garden. Weeds everywhere, and a lot of old junk under the waist-high grass. One of the windows on the second floor was boarded up. It was clearly in need of some care and had fallen into quite a state of disrepair. But David loved it. Far preferred it to the perfect houses they’d passed. Now this place had character.

“I’m going to clear the garden a bit when it’s warmer, but I spoke to Ingrid because I read that it’s actually better for it to be all wild like this. You know for the environment, she agreed, she said we should plant more and let it get really wild, but with flowers to brighten it up,” Matteo explained.

“She sounds really cool,” David said.

“She is. Do you er… do you have time? To meet her? You don’t have to,” Matteo said.

“I have the time, will it be ok?” David asked.

He wanted to meet this woman who Matteo talked of so fondly.

“Yeah it’ll be fine,” Matteo assured him.

He led him down the path, which had obviously been recently cleared. Matteo had cleared a wide path so Ingrid could get in and out of the house safely, as long as she had assistance.

Matteo opened the front door and stepped inside, David followed him inside and stopped dead. It was not at all what he’d been expecting. He’d thought based on the outside it would be dark and damp, covered in cobwebs. That was stupid of course, Matteo worked hard, he would never let Ingrid live somewhere like that. The place was immaculately clean, bright and warm. It was lovely.

Before he could think about it much more he was almost bowled over by a very excited black labrador. David dropped his bags and crouched down. The dog jumped up and was all over him immediately, barking and yapping.

“Aldo!” Matteo exclaimed, putting down his one shopping bag to greet the dog. “He likes you,” he added.

David grinned. He’d always loved dogs. His mother had never let him have one, but Mel his godmother had a spaniel. Penny, she was dark brown, quiet and shy, but she loved him. Mel always said David was her favourite human.

“Come on let's put these in the kitchen and then say hi,” Matteo said, grinning.

David followed Matteo to the kitchen, and Aldo followed both of them, jumping up at David eagerly. The kitchen was half a floor lower and they had to step down into it. It was large, a big heavy wooden table in the centre. This was an old house. The other houses in the street had been built to match this one, with a more modern feel. But this house was old.

Matteo placed the bags on the counter and shooed a small tabby cat out of the way. The cat hissed at him and skulked off.

“That’s Heidi, she hates me,” Matteo explained.

He unpacked all the perishables and put them in the fridge and freezer. Then he grabbed David and pushed him back out of the kitchen and into what must be the living room. It was very grand, bookshelves on all the walls, more like an old fashioned library than a living room. A fireplace in the centre of the wall. No television either. In the corner by the window was an armchair, where an elderly lady sat, book in hand.

“Hey Ingrid,” Matteo said, approaching the chair. “I’ve got the groceries, I’ll put them away in a minute, but I wanted you to meet David, my boyfriend,” he said, rocking on his heels.

David approached more cautiously, feeling suddenly shy.

Ingrid stared at him for a moment, a slight frown on her face, assessing him. David felt nervous, scrutinised. His cheeks grew hot despite himself.

“Is he good to you Matteo?” she asked, not taking her eyes off him, still frowning slightly, lips pursed.

“So good Ingrid,” he said.

She glanced at Matteo then, and there must have been something in his face because her stern demeanour changed in an instant and she smiled warmly at David.

“Good, that’s good then,” she said.

She held out a hand.

“It’s nice to meet you, David,” she said.

“You too,” David said, taking her hand and shaking it.

She clasped it tightly and nodded at Matteo.

“Your Matteo has helped me so much, he’s so good to me,” she said.

“He’s the kindest boy I know,” David said.

That was obviously the right thing to say, she held his hand even tighter where she still had a grip on it. And she beamed at him.

“He really is,” she agreed, finally letting go of him.

“Shut up both of you, I’m right here,” Matteo muttered, blushing furiously and shuffling where he stood.

“I used to look after Matteo when he was little, when his mama and papa were at work,” Ingrid said.

“Here?” David asked.

“Yes, his mother would drop him off. But I was already old then, far too old to keep up with him. He was so naughty, always running off somewhere in the house, he got up on the roof once chasing birds. He was obsessed with birds. I could barely manage him. But I never told his mother that, always made out that he’d been a perfect little angel,” she said.

David laughed as Matteo scowled at them.

“Why?” David asked.

“I loved having him here, he was so bright and happy it made me feel young again. I’m so glad you’re back helping me,” she said.

“I enjoy it,” Matteo said.

“Such a shame it won’t be for long,” Ingrid said.

“Stop it,” Matteo muttered.

“Why not?” David asked, frowning, unsure what she meant.

“Well he’ll be off eventually, school and a proper job, all that, can’t work for little old me all your life,” Ingrid said.

“No Ingrid,” Matteo argued.

“Yes Matteo, and you can help more people than me, I know you can. You’ve just got to find the right fit,” she said.

Matteo just shook his head but didn’t argue, it was clear they’d had this discussion a few times now.

“Right well David has to go to school right now,” he said, obviously not wanting to get into it again.

“Goodbye David, it was nice meeting you,” she said waving him off.

“You too,” David said before Matteo practically dragged him to the door.

Aldo followed the pair of them, still jumping up at David. David just patted his head.

“She keeps saying that,” Matteo said quietly.

“She wants you to do well,” David said.

“I like doing this though,” Matteo said.

And David knew he did, but he also knew he wanted more. Whenever their friends talked about school David watched the way Matteo watched them. He knew he was surprised by it, that he missed it. But he did.

“Then that’s fine,” David assured him, leaning against the door. He was going to be late but he wasn’t going to walk away from this now.

“I can’t go back to school,” Matteo said quietly.

“Ok,” David said.

“Should I?” Matteo asked.

“Do you want to?” David asked.

Matteo stared at him.

“I'm not going to make the decision for you,” David said.

“Amira thinks I can,” Matteo said.

“But ultimately it’s your choice, not hers. But there's plenty of time Matteo. I think you can do it, that you’re capable. But it depends on whether you want it, if you don’t want to then I don’t think you should,” David said.

“Sometimes... sometimes I do, when I'm hanging out with Abdi or Hanna, and they're studying then I miss it, I can’t believe I miss homework,” Matteo said.

“What about when I'm studying?” David asked.

“When is that?” Matteo asked.

“Fuck off,” David said, crowding him against the door, holding him there.

“Yeah then too,” Matteo said quietly, resting his forehead against David’s. “I used to be really smart you know? In middle school, even in first year of high school. Ok, I wasn’t as smart as Amira but I did ok. I was even a tutor once,” he said.

David sighed, he wished Matteo wouldn’t talk about himself like that.

“Don’t do that,” he said gently.

“What?”

“Don’t say it like that, ‘I used to be really smart’ Matteo you are still smart. You are absolutely not stupid, I really wish you wouldn’t think like that,” David said.

Matteo just shrugged.

“Did you like it? Tutoring?”

“Yeah, mama was a teacher. I used to want to be like her,” he said.

“Not anymore?”

“No er… I’m too shy, I’m too quiet,” Matteo said.

David nodded, forehead still pressed against Matteo’s, still holding him against the wall.

“Like I said, there’s plenty of time, we can look into it and it doesn’t mean you have to commit to anything,” he said.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“So let's look?” David suggested.

“You’ll help me?”

“Of course and maybe Amira too,” David said.

“Ok,” Matteo said quietly.

“So, the first thing is to think of something you’d like to study, but take your time,” David said. “Obviously it’s one hundred per cent your choice, but I think anything where you would be helping people would be perfect for you,” he said.

Matteo was always so eager to help anyone who needed it, anything that entailed that would suit him perfectly.

“Ok.”

“No Matteo don’t just agree with me, I want you to think about it,” David said, knowing how Matteo would just go along with whatever he suggested.

He wasn’t going to let him do that, would always push him to make his own decisions.

“Ok,” he said again.

David pulled back slightly to look at him. His eyes were closed but he smiled slightly, knowing that David was frowning at him.

“I will,” Matteo promised, “you have to go, don't you?” he asked, clinging to the hem of his sweater.

David pressed a kiss to his lips, then another, then another. But he couldn’t stay, he had class.

“I do,” he said, pulling back from Matteo properly.

When he did Aldo jumped up at him again. While they were talking he’d been patiently waiting at David’s feet as if he understood the need not to interrupt. David laughed at him.

He would definitely have to try and go with Matteo when he took him for walks, that would be fun. Running around the park with him, Matteo obviously unable to keep up with them.

“Bye Aldo,” he said, waving at the dog.

Aldo barked and tried to follow him out of the door. Matteo had to hold him back, laughing.

* * *

David knocked on the door to Leonie’s apartment. Leonie knew he was coming but she didn’t answer straight away. He got it, understood how it felt not to want to let anyone in. But he knocked again and waited. He wasn’t going away, wasn’t going to let her sit alone in here. A few minutes later she opened the door.

She was in a hell of a state. She was in her sweats, hair tied back loosely. Leonie was small but usually, with her sharp personality, she commanded a presence far bigger than her size. David had never seen her look so small, so tiny. Her eyes were red and puffy, she'd been crying and it looked like she’d only just stopped.

He put down his bag and stepped forward, pulling her into a hug. She went willingly and began to cry again immediately, clinging to him desperately. After a few moments, David pulled back, grabbed his bag and led her inside. They went straight to her room, David closed the door behind him.

Leonie threw herself onto the bed. David sat down at the end.

“I brought cookies, Matteo’s been baking, practising for work,” he said, offering her the box with a smile.

She turned over and took it from him.

“What happened?” he asked.

“I told her,” Leonie said.

He knew that though, last time he spoke to her properly she was planning on talking to Sara, next thing he knew she was sending him texts saying it had all gone to hell. That she’d fucked everything up. He’d come straight over, skipping class to be with her.

“How? What happened exactly?” he asked gently, he moved closer and stroked her hair out of her face.

She stared at the box of cookies in front of her for a minute, then placed it on the dresser. Burying her face in her hands instead.

“She was going on about some guy in her theatre class, the one she was going to date or whatever and I just lost it, I had a plan but I couldn’t keep it any longer. I just said ‘for fuck sakes shut up do you think I care about all these guys!’ I yelled at her,” she said, burying her face in the pillow and screaming.

“Jesus,” David muttered, pulling her upright before she suffocated.

“I know ok? But then I made it worse, she was looking at me all upset because I'd snapped at her. And then I said something like ‘why can’t you fucking see what's in front of you? Why can’t you see me?’ And she was confused and I just said it. No, I screamed it. David I completely lost it, just screamed ‘I'm in love with you, but sometimes you really make me hate you’,” she said. “And it’s not true! I don’t hate her, I never could. God, she looked devastated, she was crying David.”

Ok, that was bad, really bad. But surely it was still salvageable? Screaming it in Sara’s face wasn’t the best move. Leonie had held on too long, had kept this to herself and she’d reached breaking point before she could talk to Sara rationally about this. But they could still fix this.

“What did she say?” David asked.

“Nothing,” Leonie said.

“Nothing?” David asked.

“She walked away, oh god what have I done?” Leonie cried.

This wasn’t good and David really didn’t know how to fix this. He wasn’t really any good at this stuff. He could try speaking to Sara but he felt like that would just make things worse. He didn’t want to interfere and meddle. But maybe if he’d got involved earlier this wouldn’t have happened. That wouldn’t have been fair though.

He was worried about Sara though. Who could Sara talk to about this? Leonie had him but usually, Sara would go to Leonie with her problems. She probably wouldn’t come to him, probably knew Leonie had come to him first. He didn’t know how to help her. Right now all he could do was be there for Leonie.

“It’ll be ok,” he promised.

They had to be ok. He was sure of it. This was not the end of their friendship, he wouldn’t let it. Sara just needed time.

“No... no, it won’t. Yes, I'm in love with her, but she’s my best friend. I can’t lose her David. I can't,” she cried.

David wrapped his arm around her and held her close.

“You won't,” he said.

“You-”

“I promise you won’t give her time,” David said.

“But what if…”

“She won’t give up your friendship, not because of this. No matter what happens you’re strong enough to get through this. Right now it seems really bad but give her some time and some space and you two can work it out. I don’t know what will happen but I know you won’t lose her,” David promised.

“I hate this, I absolutely hate it,” Leonie said.

“I know,” David said.

“I miss her. I miss her so much already, I just want her back,” Leonie said.

“Give her time, it’s a lot. It's a lot to figure out,” David said.

“I guess,” Leonie said, she still sounded unsure but she was finally calming down.

“It’ll be ok,” David said.

“Thanks, David,” she said.

They would work it out. David knew Leonie had yelled at Sara but walking away and refusing to talk was a strong reaction. He had no idea what Sara was thinking but it had to be ok, she wouldn’t walk away from their friendship. She couldn’t surely? She wouldn't throw away years of friendship over this. She loved Leonie, whether it was in the same way Leonie loved her, he didn’t know. But she loved her, she wouldn’t want to hurt her.

* * *

####  **all the single ladies 💃🏽**

_Leonie (Thursday, 18.16): so update everything is shit right now_

_Leonie (18.17): It all went so wrong_

_Leonie (18.18): I fucking yelled at her_

_Leonie (18.19): And she left_

_Leonie (18.20): I did everything I didn’t want to do_

_Leonie (18.20): And she left me_

_Leonie (18.21): And she won't answer my calls or messages_

_Leonie (18.22): What do I do_

_Lucy (18.27): Give her time_

_Lucy (18.28): It’s a lot_

_Lucy (18.30): Her walking away isn’t good but I really don’t think all is lost_

_Lucy (18.32): Give her time and space to deal with this_

_Lucy (18.34): And she'll come back to you I know she will_

_Lucy (18.35): I can’t tell you in what way_

_Lucy (18.36): But she won’t walk out of your life_

_Leonie (18.42): Thank you lucy_

_Lucy (18.45): No problem_

_Chloe (19.11): Hi sorry I was at yoga, Lucy I agree with everything you just said_

_Chloe (19.12): Stay strong Leonie_

_Leonie (19.17): Thanks Chloe_

_Chloe (19.21):_ 😘

* * *

####  **Gay Movie Nerds and Peter**

_David (Thursday, 22.01): Little update about half your predictions came true so far_

_Lucy (22.04): we know we have a new group chat we’re talking her through it_

_David (22.07): of course you do_

_Chloe (22.10): they're going to be ok_

_David (22.15): are you sure?_

_Chloe (22.17): I'm sure_

_Lucy (22.19): and don’t worry we’re there for her_

_David (22.23): she's so sad though_

_Lucy (22.27): just be there for her David_

_David (22.29): thank you_

_David (22.31): and thank you for caring_

_Chloe (22.33): always_

_Chloe (22.36): don’t worry the rest of my predictions will come true soon enough_

_David (22.37): I hope so_

_Lucy (22.39): Chloe is always right about these things_

* * *

This was far fancier than any hospital David had ever been in. All white and gold, tiny spotlights embedded in the ceiling giving the room a warm glow. The seating was all comfortable sofas, not worn at all, they felt brand new. And the smell was floral, none of that sterile antiseptic smell he was used to. It felt like the lobby to a five-star hotel, not a hospital waiting room.

They’d been offered coffee as soon as they’d arrived, and cake too. David had been too nervous but Matteo had helped himself, only just refraining from asking for David’s piece too.

He was waiting for his appointment with Dr Straken, his initial consultation. Laura and Matteo were with him, although they would be staying in the waiting room. Matteo was beside him, frowning at his phone.

“Everything ok?” David asked.

“No. Yes. I don’t know? Sara’s being weird,” Matteo said cryptically.

That got David’s attention, distracting him from his nerves. He hadn’t had a chance to speak to Sara yet, he wondered who she would go to. He was surprised it was Matteo, but at the same time, it made sense. They had a history and she obviously still trusted him. Or maybe she thought he owed her. Either way, he would help her.

“Weird how?” David asked carefully.

“I don’t know if I should say,” Matteo said just as carefully.

She’d made the right decision then if Matteo wasn’t even going to tell him.

“Is it about Leonie?” David asked.

“I… is that who she’s talking about? Leonie’s in love with her? Still? She actually told her?” Matteo asked. “Wow.”

“So you knew? But yes,” David confirmed.

He knew he shouldn’t tell but clearly Sara had hinted at it. Maybe not named her, but Matteo had said ‘still’, so he knew. He’d figured it out anyway.

“I always thought so,” Matteo mumbled, “Sara is too, has been for ages, they need to sort themselves out,” he added, focusing on his phone, tapping away.

And somehow, despite never hanging out with them, not wanting to be involved in any of it, Matteo had both girls figured out. He was perceptive David would give him that. Now these two just needed a push.

David could see he was texting Sara, but he didn’t snoop, Sara was confiding in Matteo not him. He wouldn’t intervene. Matteo seemed to have a handle on it anyway. He trusted him to give good advice, he always helped him.

“Are you nervous?” Laura asked him.

“No. A little,” he admitted.

“Don’t worry, this is essentially just a health check and a quick chat with the surgeon, check you’re comfortable with her, ask your questions. And you’re fit and healthy, mostly,” Laura said.

He scoffed.

“What do you mean mostly, I run like every other day,” he argued.

“I found you sprawled out on the sofa last night when I came home,” Laura said.

“And?”

He couldn’t be active twenty-four hours a day, he was allowed to chill. How dare she imply he was lazy?

“And you didn't move until Matteo came over, four hours later,” she said.

“I was tired, I'd had a long day,” David argued.

But he had gotten better at relaxing since meeting Matteo, no longer felt constantly restless, constantly wound up. He was getting better at doing nothing, able to relax without feeling like he had to be out, running or exploring. Sometimes it was nice to chill.

“Uh-huh,” was all she said.

“I’m fit and healthy. I play football. I go to the gym,” David argued.

“You’re going to be fine,” she promised.

“I’m excited too,” David said.

And he was, he was nervous of course this was a serious situation. But he was so excited, this was all he’d ever wanted for years.

“Ok done,” Matteo said, pocketing his phone.

“What did you say?” David asked.

Matteo pressed his hand over David's mouth.

“Secret,” he said, eyes lit up mischievously.

David rolled his eyes and licked Matteo's hand but he just giggled, then pulled it away and wiped it on his jeans.

“She ok?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged but smiled.

“She’ll figure it out,” he said.

David nodded.

“She’s in love with her too you know, since we were in middle school I think, even Jonas used to be suspicious back then,” Matteo said.

David had had his suspicions but now he was sure, Matteo could be observant when he wanted to be. It made sense why she'd walked away too, probably a shock to learn her feelings were reciprocated. And a lot to process. But they could work this out.

The door opened and a nurse stepped out into the waiting room.

“David Schriebner?”

Shit, this was happening. He felt nervous now. Shaky. But Matteo squeezed his hand and Laura smiled at him. He could do this. He sighed and got up, following the nurse into the room.

Twenty minutes later he was sitting in front of a very stern woman, who was currently ignoring him and typing away at her computer. He’d been weighed and measured, poked and prodded. Quizzed and interrogated, The nurse told him he was very fit and healthy, so he would be telling Laura that as soon as he was done. Then when the nurses were done, he’d been left with Dr Straken. She had checked whether he wanted one of them to stay in the room but he’d declined. The fewer people the better.

Then he’d spent a very uncomfortable ten minutes, being observed and scrutinised. Dr Straken was only the second person to see him without any kind of shirt on since he’d turned fourteen. The first being Matteo and that was only the one time when he’d felt particularly brave.

Apart from asking permission every time she touched him she hadn’t said anything while she measured him, photographed him, and made her assessment. And David was grateful because he couldn’t hold a conversation while she did that. Couldn’t do anything but look up at the ceiling and wait for it to be over.

When it was she handed him his shirt, his binder, and a box of tissues then turned to her computer to give him privacy.

“Doing ok?” she asked when she’d finished typing her notes.

David nodded.

She shuffled her chair closer.

“You’ll only have to do that once more on the day,” she promised gently.

The stern demeanour was gone now, it was as if it was there while she was examining him because she knew he couldn't handle that being done by somebody friendly. She was right, it was the right approach. The cold professionalism helped him through that entire ordeal.

“I’ve seen everything I need to for now, are you able to look at the pictures I took?” she asked.

David closed his eyes.

“No I don’t think so,” he said.

“That’s fine let me show you some others instead first,” she said and turned her screen to face him. She showed him several before and after photos. David pulled his chair closer. They were good, they were better than a lot he had seen online. But then she was expensive for a reason. His dad really had got him the best.

“Ok this is what I’m hoping for you,” she said, choosing a final picture.

David just stared. That could be him. Everything he’d wanted.

“For me?” he repeated.

“Now don’t get excited, this is eight months post-op, but we will be with you until then, we will be checking up on your progress for up to twenty-four months after your procedure, you’re covered for all that,” she said.

“But that could be me?” he asked, voice cracking.

“Oh absolutely, I am the best David, I am absolutely confident you can expect similar results,” she said.

David stared at her. She was very confident. But she should be with these results.

“But twelve years of experience in plastic surgery, seven years doing this with a ninety-five per cent satisfaction rate have given me this confidence, you are in here for the first time you must be very nervous,” she said.

She was very good, it was more than her surgery experience, she knew what he needed, what he was worrying about. She knew exactly how to talk to him, he felt very comfortable with her.

“I am,” David admitted.

“And that’s normal. This is your time to ask me anything,” she said.

David nodded and pulled out his crumpled list he’d printed off the internet. His hands shook as he opened it, and suddenly his throat was dry. He couldn’t speak. This was all so real. He couldn’t get the words out.

“Let me see?” she said gently, reaching out for it.

David nodded and handed it over.

She smiled and read through it, nodding.

“Very good, good research David,” she said. “Ok these first few are all about my qualifications, would you like to see them?” she asked, gesturing to the various framed degrees on the wall.

David shook his head, pieces of paper meant nothing to him.

“Ok so I’ll tell you about me instead, I have been a surgeon for seventeen years now, a plastic surgeon for twelve years, and I’ve specialised in mastectomies for seven years. I didn’t start on transgender patients. I started on cancer patients, which is very similar in theory and so very different at the same time. The concept is the same, the desired result is very different.”

David nodded.

“And I’ve been working almost exclusively with transgender patients for the past three years,” she said.

“Are there a lot?” David asked.

“Enough to keep me busy, it’s a lot of work, I like to care for my patients for a long time after, like I said. I feel like I need to, to do a full job,” she explained. “In order to provide the thorough and long term care I can’t actually have all that many patients on my books at once, I’m definitely kept busy. There’s a lot more to this than the surgery.”

“Yeah ok,” David said.

“I think this is going to go well for you, I’m going to take this list and email all the answers to you, I can tell you’re getting overwhelmed, you’re so quiet,” she said gently.

David just nodded.

“I’ve recorded all of this, my assistant will send you a transcript. Now that you’re all set up you are allowed to call me at any time, and if I’m busy Mari, my assistant will take a message and I will get back to you,” she said.

“Ok,” David said.

“Any immediate questions?” she asked.

“I can’t, I don’t…”

His mind was blank, he’d been so prepared and yet he had nothing to say, couldn’t speak.

“David it’s ok, this is a lot. You have people with you, supporting you?”

“My sister and my boyfriend,” David told her.

“Perfect. Go to them, be with them, tell them this went well, that I’m confident you are going to get brilliant results. Results that are exactly right for you, and then give me a call on Monday,” she said.

“What if I still don’t have any questions?” David asked.

“You will, as soon as you walk out of here, as soon as you get home. Everything you want to ask will come back to you, so write them down and call me,” she said.

“Oh,” David said.

“And in the meantime, I’ll answer all these,” she said, waving his sheet of paper.

David nodded and stood up, he felt exhausted suddenly. He just wanted to go home. Nothing bad had happened but suddenly this all felt too real, he just wanted to hide away. He was shaking, he didn’t know what was wrong with him.

“Feeling good?” she asked.

“No,” he admitted.

“That’s normal, you’ve been waiting a long time for this, now that it’s here you feel overwhelmed with the reality. That’s a weird feeling,” she said, reassuring him.

“Thank you, for this and for just getting it,” David said.

“You’re welcome David,” she said, showing him to the door.

He stepped out into the waiting room again, as soon as he did Laura and Matteo were on him, surrounding him. They were excited but sensed his mood immediately and quietened down.

“Ok?” Laura asked, concerned.

She reached out and took his hand. David just sniffed and nodded furiously, no idea why he was acting this way. He was supposed to be happy. He was. He really was but he was overwhelmed too like Dr Straken said.

“It’s a lot,” he muttered. “It’s just a lot.”

“What modelling for nudes?” Matteo asked.

“Matteo!” Laura scolded.

But that was all it took for David to crack up laughing. Matteo just got it, knew he needed to laugh, knew that everything was getting a bit too serious right now. Only he could get away with it. But it worked. It eased the tension that had been building and David started to relax again.

“Modelling for nudes!” the receptionist repeated to herself, “that’s a good one!”

“Don’t encourage him,” Laura warned her.

Matteo ignored them both, just smiled at him, that familiar crooked smile and held out his arms, David stepped into them and let himself be held. Everything was perfect, it was real. That’s what was overwhelming him, but he was going to be fine.

* * *

####  **Markus is a baby who drinks too much 🍻⚽**

_David (Friday, 14.03): I’m not coming to practice today guys_

_Markus (14.07): David no_

_David (14.11): medical shit_

_Markus (14.14): are you ok? I’m a doctor I can help_

_Emil (14.15): you’re not a doctor_

_Finn (14.16): you’re a med student_

_Finn (14.20): I hope you’re ok David_

_David (14.21): thanks_

_David (14.22): Nothing is wrong_

_David (14.23): I had a doctors appointment and I just don’t feel like doing anything today_

_David (14.25): I’ll be ok again by tomorrow_

_Finn (14.31): Want to run in silence tomorrow morning, 7?_

_David (14.33): Yeah actually that sounds good_

_Markus (14.35): You guys are so weird_

_Finn (14.37): It's good Markus clears the mind_

_Markus (14.38): Of what_

_Finn (14.50): Stress_

_Markus (14.51): What are you stressed about_

_Finn (15.03): Everything_

_Emil (15.04): You ok Finn?_

_Finn (15.07): not really_

_Finn (15.09): I don’t feel right_

_Finn (15.11): and I think I’m failing_

_Markus (15.12): Shit_

_Finn (15.13): It’s just so much_

_Markus (15.17): take a step back put yourself first and talk to the school before it gets out of hand_

_Markus (15.19): They have to support you_

_Finn (15.22): No they don’t I'm not ill_

_Markus (15.24): Stress and mental health are a kind of ill Finn, and you will do yourself harm_

_Emil (15.25): Does it help? Running?_

_Finn (15.26): A bit_

_Finn (15.27): Just for a bit_

_Emil (15.29): Ok_

_David (15.35): Ok Finn we’ll run tomorrow but it’s not enough_

_David (15.37): You need to talk to someone ok? doesn’t have to be me or any of us but talk to someone ok because that's how it gets out of hand. I know this ok?_

_David (15.38): Promise me_

_Finn (15.45): I promise_

_David (15.47): We’re all here for you_

_Emil (15.48): Yeah totally if wanna talk or not_

_Emil (15.49): Always Finn_

_Finn (15.53): Thank you guys_

_Markus (15.55): Call me Finn_

_Markus (15.56): please call me_

_Finn (15.57): Ok ten minutes_

* * *

####  **Tay**

_Tay (Friday, 21.19): how did it go?_

_David (21.24): I'm a mess_

_Tay (21.25): you ok? what's wrong_

_David (21.27): just overly emotional_

_Tay (21.30): that must be killing you_

_David (21.32): not really_

_David (21.33): a year ago it would have_

_David (21.35): but I'm doing better at allowing myself to be emotional_

_David (21.36): like I'm allowed to be more than angry you know?_

_Tay (21.38): of course you are_

_Tay (21.39): anything you feel is valid_

_David (21.43): you know I would never let myself cry no matter how sad I felt? Would just get angrier and angrier to keep it in check_

_Tay (21.45): there is nothing wrong with crying_

_Tay (21.46): it's good for you_

_Tay (21.47): you will probably not be surprised to hear I cry all the time_

_David (21.48): I'm not_

_Tay (21.49): what changed then_

_David (21.54): I met Matteo I think_

_Tay (21.56): OMG and he thawed your frozen heart_

_David (21.57): don't start_

_David (22.06): but seriously he's so emotional can't hide it at all. I'm pretty he's given up trying at this point and it just made me so much more comfortable to let myself feel because I never need to hide anything from him_

_Tay (22.08): that's good though right?_

_David (22.11): yeah it's good_

_David (22.13): I've cried more since we've started dating than I have my whole life is that weird?_

_David (22.14): but it's not about him it's about stuff I should've cried about long ago and didn't_

_Tay (22.15): it feels better?_

_David (22.16): yes_

_David (22.17): it feels good and to let go of my anger too_

_Tay (22.23): that's so wonderful David_

_Tay (22.24): I'm so happy for you_

_David (22.27): apart from getting overwhelmed the appointment went really well_

_Tay (22.29): did you have to take photos_

_David (22.31): yeah that was rough_

_Tay (22.33): no one's ever seen?_

_David (22.33): no_

_Tay (22.35): not even Matteo_

_David (22.38): Yeah once_

_Tay (22.39): Sexy_

_David (22.42): No. not sexy at all_

_Tay (22.44): Oh?_

_David (22.45): I was drunk and really dumb_

_Tay (22.46): What happened?_

_Tay (22.50): David?_

_Tay (22.52): You don’t have to tell me_

_David (22.54): fuck sakes hold on_

* * *

It was getting late, but it was before eleven. Not too late to call. David settled back against the pillows, his arm was starting to hurt from holding the phone up and he couldn't switch because he had hold of Matteo with the other. Matteo shuffled when he moved, trying to stay as close as possible where he lay against his chest. He didn’t wake. Slowly, carefully David reached down beside the bed and grabbed his headphones. Somehow untangling them with one hand he plugged them in and called Tay.

“Oh my god, are you calling me?” Tay said as soon as they answered.

“Obviously,” David said, “it’s not weird is it?”

He kept his voice low but Matteo didn’t stir. He wouldn’t wake, they could talk.

“Nah it’s cool best friends call each other all the time but why?” Tay asked.

David settled down and pulled the blankets over the two of them. Getting ready for a long chat. It was nice he didn’t do this a lot. Only with Matteo really on the rare occasion, they weren’t together. It was nice to have someone to call and just chat with, about this kind of stuff. Because he had Leonie but he couldn’t talk to her about this. It was weird.

“Just had a lot to tell you, and I thought it would be easier to call. Like we could hang out tomorrow I guess but I’m kinda hiding a bit. I don’t really want to see anyone, so I thought I'd call because I really want to talk about how it went. Like Laura and Matteo are so excited for me of course but I just wanted to tell you too. You get it right?” David asked, hoping he hadn’t misread things and was totally about to overshare.

He wasn’t any good at this. Feelings and showing emotion. But he wanted to be.

“I do and I’m honoured. But are you going to tell me the drunk and dumb story? Or just about the consultation? Because I wanna hear that,” Tay insisted.

David rolled his eyes. It was embarrassing really, but he didn’t mind Tay knowing. Knew they probably wouldn’t tease. Or they would but not ever in a mean way.

“You really want to hear about it?” David asked.

“Yes David,” they said slowly like they were talking to a small child.

“It’s really dumb but surprisingly not traumatic and kind of nice,” David said.

It should have been horrifying really, but it wasn’t. It was a good but embarrassing story.

“Ok now I’m intrigued, you can't not tell me what happened, why were you dumb?” Tay demanded.

David sighed.

“Ok like maybe four months ago I started to get really in my head about stuff, because I couldn’t have sex with Matteo without a shirt on. He never even said anything, hinted at nothing, it was all in my head, but I got really wound up about it,” David explained.

“Oh David,” Tay said softly.

Getting it immediately just like David knew they would.

“Yeah. But like I became fixated on it and it became this weakness of mine, that I couldn’t do it? And then I started convincing myself he was going to get fed up of dealing with me if I wouldn’t share everything,” he said.

He knew how stupid it was, had known from the start that he never had to do anything with Matteo that he was uncomfortable with. Those thoughts had come out of nowhere and taken over his mind so quickly he was barely able to make sense of it. But the fear of losing Matteo over something which should have been so simple to anyone else just encouraged it to spin out of control.

“But that's ridiculous,” Tay said.

“I know but I wasn't being rational. Matteo's the only person I've ever been with and neither of us really know what we're doing. We just make it up as we go along. So I just kinda thought this was something I had to do. Like a step in our relationship, some dumb trust thing. And in a way, I wanted to because if he was good about it then that proved something to me. I know it's really stupid but I was testing him too, like how much he loved me, god I’m dumb,” David said.

“You are but also I do get where you're coming from,” Tay insisted.

“So I wanted to be brave, I wanted to do it so I went out with Sara and got really drunk first,” David said.

And if that wasn’t a sign that it was a terrible idea then nothing would’ve talked him out of it.

“Wow that is really dumb David. Like the dumbest way to go about it,” Tay said, sounding both annoyed and concerned.

David suddenly wished he’d known them sooner. Had them to talk to about all of this a long time ago.

“I know,” David said quietly.

Matteo shuffled in his sleep against him and David ran a hand through his hair to settle him. Even though it had all been fine, even though he was completely ok with what happened in the end, it was a pretty heavy thing. But with Matteo’s comforting weight on top of him he felt reassured and safe.

“So what happened?” Tay asked gently.

“I showed up at his apartment, in the middle of the night and took off all my clothes,” David admitted.

It sounded so ridiculous to him now. Tay was sniggering down the line.

“Was it as sexy as you’d hoped?” they asked.

“It wasn’t sexy at all, he was half asleep and I was really drunk,” David said.

David had no idea what he'd been planning but thought it was to just get in bed naked with Matteo, that way he could at least hide under the sheets. However, when drunk he was not graceful nor good at a striptease. He knocked over a lamp and a pile of books and woke Matteo before he could even get to the bed. At least he’d managed to stay on his feet.

“What did he do?” Tay asked.

David closed his eyes, he remembered Matteo staring at him for a second then doing the same as soon as he realised what was going on. Closing them tight and covering them for good measure. Probably the quickest David had seen him react.

The memories were foggy but he remembered what was said. He remembered getting annoyed that Matteo wouldn’t look at him, and Matteo saying he wasn’t going to, not while he was drunk, not if he was going to wake up in the morning and hate him for looking. So instead he’d stumbled blindly to the light switch and turned it off, then tried to manhandle a still drunk and very uncooperative David back into his clothes. He’d failed, even drunk David was stronger, but he’d managed to convince him to get into the bed.

David vaguely remembered whining and getting Matteo’s shirt off too, but that was all that happened before Matteo wrapped his arms around him and made him go to sleep. Desperately trying to stay awake longer than him so he could dress him again. He’d failed at that, being pressed close to David always sent him to sleep. Plus it was the middle of the night and David had woken him up.

“David?”

“He wouldn’t look at me, even though I was telling him to, because he knew I'd regret it sober. So he turned off the lights and put me to bed. I was wasted. He tried to dress me but I wouldn't let him. I’m a stubborn drunk and super annoying. I may have been drunk and really nervous but apparently I was also pretty insistent that we have sex,” David said.

Tay laughed.

“Oh wow and the next morning?”

David remembered waking up, somehow miraculously not hungover thanks to Matteo forcing half a bottle of water down him. The one from his rucksack because David wouldn’t let him leave the room.

But even more of a miracle was the fact that he didn’t freak out, didn’t panic, despite the fact that Matteo was curled around him, head on his chest like always. Except this time David was topless. But he stayed calm. Because there was no way Matteo hadn’t seen the night before anyway. No matter how hard he’d tried not to. But he was still there pressed as closely against David as he possibly could be.

And there wasn’t anything he could’ve done anyway, he couldn’t get away without waking Matteo and he didn’t want to. In that moment he didn't want to. Because Matteo was clinging to him like he always did and nothing could make David pull away from him in that moment.

As always Matteo had stirred a few minutes later, always seeming to sense when David was awake. He looked up at him, through heavy eyes and nothing had changed. It was the same look he always gave him. He didn’t see him any differently. Still loved him just the same. Because of course he did, nothing would ever change that. David had known that, deep down he’d known.

And for a few moments on a random September morning, in the golden light of the autumn dawn, he wanted to show him everything. If only for a moment.

“Er… we woke up and I was still naked but I was ok about it? Even drunk I’d been terrified but I woke up and we were just cuddling like always and I knew it was ok. He looked at me the same and I kinda wanted him to see and then…”

David trailed off at the next memory.

“You had sex didn't you?” Tay asked.

“Yeah,” David admitted.

Tay laughed

“But then we had a serious chat, he told me never to do that again, get drunk like that. If I had to be drunk to do it I obviously wasn’t comfortable and that was fine, and not to put so much pressure on myself. That he never expected anything more than I was able to give. And he was right that morning was special and I loved it but I've never felt comfortable doing it again. But I know that's ok now,” David said.

He’d never worried about it since. Yes he should’ve just talked to Matteo from the start but it was ok. He got it, knew how stupid thoughts could be sometimes, completely overtaking you until you couldn’t do the rational thing anymore. And even though he’d gone about it totally stupidly, he never once not for a moment felt embarrassed about what happened. It was dumb yes, and an embarrassing thing to do, but with Matteo he never felt embarrassed, never felt ashamed of who he was.

“You should marry that boy,” Tay said.

David laughed.

“Yeah,” he said quietly.

“But back to the appointment?” Tay prompted before David could get lost in _those_ thoughts.

“Ok she showed me what she predicted and it was perfect Tay. Like I had an idea of what to expect but it's really going to be me. I'm going to be able to look in a mirror without wanting to smash the glass. Tay it’s going to be me looking back at me. I'm going to look exactly how I feel I should look,” David said, hoping that would make sense to them.

“Oh David, that’s so wonderful. David I am so happy for you,” Tay said, and the sincerity in their voice was overwhelming.

“God me too, it's real isn't it?” he said.

“It is. How was your fancy surgeon?” Tay asked.

David smiled, she was perfect. He knew she was the best but she was also just so good with him, as a patient.

“She’s so good Tay, she's more than a surgeon. She just gets how I feel. She knew exactly how to make me feel comfortable. I trust her completely. I know she's going to do a brilliant job. I mean you should see some of her results,” David said.

“Yeah no I'm not surprised, like I looked her up she is really fancy, patients come from all over Europe you know?” Tay asked.

“Yeah well daddy's money and all that,” David joked.

Tay laughed so hard, there was a clatter as they dropped their phone. David tried not to laugh, trying not to wake Matteo but he couldn't help himself. He let out a snort and then burst out laughing, chest and shoulders shaking with it.

Matteo just groaned and rolled away. Not waking but still reaching out behind him for David. David took his hand and he relaxed again. He would be back later.

“Oh my god, you did not just say that David. This is growth, you are finally coming to terms with your daddy issues,” they teased

“Fuck off,” David muttered but he was grinning.

“For real though do you have any idea how expensive this woman is,” Tay said.

“But it's not to him though,” he argued.

He was grateful, truly he was. Knew he would never get something this good on his own, without his father’s support. To him, to most people it was huge. But to his father, it probably didn’t even make a dent. That’s what bothered him about all of this.

“No that's fair and I get why you feel it's not enough but man you are so lucky,” Tay said wistfully.

And he knew he was don’t get him wrong. He knew he had here an opportunity that most didn’t get.

“I know I feel bad that I get this,” he admitted.

Tay clicked his tongue, tutting him.

“Oh no don't, Jon and me looked into the clinic, he's economics as you know,” they said.

“Ok?”

“Your private healthcare practically pays for one person to go free,” they said.

David frowned, tempted to reach across Matteo and grab his laptop, but he was so comfortable.

“Oh, where does it say that?”

“In the boring financials section,” Tay said.

David hadn’t looked at that because why would he? He wasn’t paying, he didn’t want to see how much he owed his father.

“On the front page it says that there is pro bono work,” he said, remembering reading that and approving the idea.

“Yes, but how it works out, how Jon explained it, it’s really complicated. But every private patients’ costs allow her to cover someone for free. Like it doesn't come out of your fee it's some kind of fancy charity and tax maths that Jon tried to explain, and I still don't get but essentially you’re helping someone else, or your dad is,” Tay said.

“Ok that is pretty cool,” David said.

That eased his guilt a lot actually.

“Yeah, it is. But David I just wanna say you are already you and have been from the moment you realised your truth. But now you're going to be even more you, a realisation of your true self,” they said.

And David closed his eyes so as not to cry.

“Dear God Tay,” he muttered.

“Getting emotional?” Tay asked.

“I am so glad I met you,” David admitted, feeling completely comfortable sharing his feelings for once.

But it was true and Tay should know it.

“Me too David, me too, who knew a cupcake social would lead to this? An epic friendship spanning decades and- oh my god!” they exclaimed.

“What?”

“Just thinking about when I'm going to be best person at yours and Matteo's wedding,” they said.

David covered his face but it didn’t stop his cheeks from heating.

“Oh my god,” he muttered.

“Because let's face it I don't think it's going to be all that long,” Tay said, “you gotta get a ring on it, David,” they said.

“We're _nineteen_ ,” David reminded them.

“Right now I'm focusing on the fact you haven't said I can't be best person,” Tay said.

“Fine in like _ten_ years time you can be my best person at mine and Matteo's wedding,” David offered, smiling despite himself.

Of course, that was when Matteo chose to wake up, he rolled over and stared at him.

“What?” he mumbled, wide-eyed and only half awake.

David stroked a hand through his hair and pulled him close again.

“Tay is planning our wedding,” he told him softly. “They want to be my best person,” he explained.

Matteo just smiled sleepily and closed his eyes again. Cheeks going pink.

“That’s nice,” he mumbled, “tell them whatever they’re thinking of making me wear, I’m not doing it,” he said.

David just laughed quietly, no point replying, Matteo was already well on his way back to sleep.

“Matteo woke up just for a moment, wants you to know he won’t allow you to dress him up,” David said.

“Ugh he’s no fun,” they said.

“He’s plenty fun,” David assured him, yawning widely.

Matteo’s warm heavy weight against him was making him sleepy. He yawned again.

“I’m sure David,” Tay teased. “Are you falling asleep?”

“Little bit,” David admitted.

“Ok, I’ll let you sleep,” Tay said.

“Thanks Tay, for talking to me,” David said.

“Anytime David, and I know you’re feeling out of sorts from today, but don’t hide away yeah?” they insisted.

“I won’t. I want to but I won’t. I’m running with Finn tomorrow morning and then doing project shit with my film group in the evening,” David told them.

“Well running sounds horrible but film stuff sounds good, Chloe and Lucy are fun,” they said.

“They are,” David agreed.

“Night David,” Tay said.

“Night Tay,” David said.

He hung up and dropped his phone over the side of the bed onto the floor. He looked down at Matteo sleeping in his arms. He knew he shouldn’t but he couldn’t help himself. He squeezed him and shook him slightly until he woke up.

“What?” he mumbled.

“I love you,” he said quietly.

Matteo frowned at him, then scowled as expected. David couldn’t help but smile.

“Really?” Matteo demanded quietly, very obviously disgruntled at being woken up.

“Yeah,” David whispered.

Matteo rolled his eyes.

“I love you too,” he said, “go to sleep,” he said closing his eyes again.

David settled down and did the same. Today had been a lot, totally overwhelming. But he was happy, so happy. Everything was perfect. Obviously it wasn’t, he still had his parents to deal with, Leonie and Sara were unhappy. He still had no idea what to tell the football guys about being off for at least three months. But nothing could shake him now.

Whatever happened with the guys he finally felt like he could handle it. Sara and Leonie would be fine because they had to be. Even with his parents, he was almost hopeful they could work things out. So yeah, things were pretty perfect right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [moodboard for this chapter can be found here!](http://youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com/post/190704222467/every-version-of-me-dead-and-buried-in-the-yard)
> 
> Wow halfway through already! Thanks to everyone for the lovely comments, I'm so glad the stories being enjoyed and read and understood in the way I envisioned. 
> 
> up next - planning for the future and sad valentine's


	6. oh, i can't see the finish line, scared half to death but it's okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything had been going so well. Everything had been going too well. Of course, it couldn't last. Of course, something had to go wrong. But out of everything he was currently dealing with, this was the last thing he expected to end in tears.

“You know this is hardly my idea of a fun Saturday night,” Lucy said.

They were at his apartment working on the project. Rainbow City they were still calling it. It was a placeholder but at this point, David was pretty sure it would stay as the title. Peter, Chloe and Lucy were all there. Laura was out for the evening and Matteo was coming over later.

David was mostly ignoring them, working on the scenes he'd started. He wanted something solid in place so he could film a couple of scenes with Sara and her friends Kristian and Alex next week. She'd had a lot of interest from her drama school friends. Matteo was going to be busy cooking for the next few weeks. 

"Ok I get where you're coming from Luce, but don't you think it would be better if the main character had a love interest?" Chloe asked. 

Lucy had told him that Chloe was always trying to add romance, even when there was no place for it.

"But what would be the point, what would it add to the plot?" Lucy demanded. 

"But if the love interest wasn't from Rainbow City then it could create drama,” Chloe said.

“Then they're straight though, stuck in a heterosexual relationship,” Lucy countered 

“No what if, they escaped the purge? But then they meet the main character and can't hide it, or oh my god, what if they're the child of the president? And she knows and is forcing them to hide…”

“Oh I love that,” Peter said.

“You would,” Lucy muttered but she seemed a little more convinced. 

"We need names soon," David said, looking up from his laptop.

Chloe nodded enthusiastically. 

"Yeah we do, but do we want futuristic names?”

"No Jesus Christ,” Lucy muttered.

David wondered if she just had to argue with everything Chloe said.

"Well, it's set-”

David heard the front door open and looked up. Everyone stopped bickering when Matteo walked into the living room and froze. He blushed and waved awkwardly.

“Hey er… I can come back,” he said quietly.

“No, join us, you’re Matteo right?” Chloe said.

“That’s me,” he said, shuffling over to sit next to David.

“Ok?” David asked. 

Matteo nodded and pulled out his phone. David smiled and gestured for Chloe to continue.

"It's set in the future is it not?” she demanded of Lucy. 

“But it's harder to keep track of non-standard names, everyone will just be confused,” Lucy argued.

“Ok so let's compromise and have slightly futuristic versions of current names,” David suggested. 

“Ever the diplomat,” Peter said, scribbling away. “Ok I have a thought,” he said.

“Go on,” David said.

“So like this straight city, it's supposed to be like the haven right? The utopia because it's safe and everyone is happy and they have all the resources, but it’s not is it? That’s what we’re going for?” Peter asked.

“Remember this is supposed to be a parody,” David said.

“So we could just make it really ridiculous,” Chloe said.

“Well yeah,” Lucy said.

“Right but it still has to make sense. So we can flip which city is actually the utopia you know?” Peter said.

“You should make the other city seem more like a military camp or a prison,” Lucy said. 

“I like that,” Chloe said.

So they could agree. Sometimes.

“You should-” 

Matteo seemed to realise he’d spoken out loud and cut himself off.

“We should what?” David prompted gently. 

“You should make everyone in the other city wear like uniforms, like beige jumpsuits or something. Or like a dress code? Everyone the same?” he suggested.

“Yes! I love that!” Chloe said.

“And everyone else can wear all the colours,” he added. 

“Exactly, that really shows how awful and boring it is to be there, and we can drop hints like all the way through that the other city is not the utopia it appears to be. And then bam we can have a big reveal like the president is up to no good or something. We’ll figure it out and-”

“What about… about…”

David nodded to encourage him.

“Ok so I know it’s a parody like you say but like you keep describing it and one thing that I don't get? Is what about the children? Like the children born on either side, do they get tested, are they just automatically born on the right side, because that wouldn’t make sense right? And proportionally there aren’t actually going to be that many for the rainbow place,” he said.

“Well, what if all children born are taken to the beige city and then exiled at like sixteen or something?” Lucy said. 

“Perfect,” Peter said, “we’ll have to think about this but that’s perfect. I hadn’t even thought of that yet, and I’m the only one trying to keep this making sense. That’s actually really smart, like really perceptive, David I thought you said he wasn’t even in school,” he said.

Matteo visibly flinched like he’d been slapped. Both Chloe and Lucy gasped and Lucy kicked him. Hard. David couldn’t even believe he’d just said that. And he knew, he knew he thought he was being complimentary, genuinely thought he was encouraging him, but he may as well have just punched Matteo in the face.

“I didn’t say that, Matteo I didn't,” David said.

“He really didn’t,” Lucy said, “God Peter sometimes you ought to just keep your mouth shut,” she muttered.

Matteo shook his head and stood up. David was still frozen, trying to think of what to say to get the situation back under control.

“Hey!” Lucy said, “He didn't say that, not like that. I can’t remember what we were talking about but David was rambling about you like always and Chloe asked what you were studying. Because that’s just a dumb assumption that we all have, that everyone our age is at university when that’s completely ridiculous. David just said you weren’t and that you had a job helping this old lady, and that it was the perfect job for you because you were just the kindest and most caring person he’d ever met. And he wouldn’t shut up about it, he’s like super proud of you. It’s disgusting really, I almost threw up,” she said.

Matteo nodded.

“I’m just... I’m going to go,” he said.

He walked off to David's room and closed the door. David just stood there, staring at the space he’d vacated. 

“Why the fuck did you say that?” Lucy demanded.

“I didn’t mean it as a bad thing,” Peter said quietly. “I said he was smart!”

“No, you said he wasn’t  _ even _ in school, which implies you either think he’s not smart enough, like you think the only worthwhile intelligence is academic. Or worse all this time  _ David _ has been implying all of that to us,” Lucy snapped. “Look  _ I _ know you didn’t mean it like that, but he hardly knows you, a comment like that can feel like a slap in the face. You don’t know what his insecurities are,” she said. “If a stranger said that to me it could’ve broken me, you know that,” she said.

“Think before you fucking speak,” Chloe said, sounding a lot angrier than David was used to.

She was glaring at Peter and standing close to Lucy as if she wanted to grab her and get her out of there. There was obviously history with that, David didn’t know. But Lucy was upset, and Chloe was upset for her.

“Go after him David,” Chloe prompted gently.

David nodded and crept into his room, closing the door gently behind him. Matteo was sitting at his desk staring out of the window.

“Matteo?”

He turned and smiled weakly.

“I’m ok David it was just a lot, I’m tired anyway so...”

“Ok?”

“You should go back and finish working,” Matteo said.

“Or I could stay in here with you,” David suggested. 

There was no way he was leaving Matteo alone now.

“No David, go hang out with them,” Matteo said, turning back to the window. 

“It's late I’m gonna send them home,” David said. 

“It's fine David,” Matteo said, so quietly.

And David hated this, hated that even though he was upset Matteo would just let this go, ignore how he felt just to keep the peace. And he knew why. An entire childhood of keeping quiet had long-lasting effects. But he hated it all the same. 

“No it's not, what Peter said wasn't ok and I know... I know you hate confrontation. And Lucy has already told him off. But I'm not going to let him walk out of here thinking that about you. I have never implied anything like that about you and I'm going to make that clear, then he's going to leave and I'll be all yours for the night ok?” 

Matteo nodded and David walked back out of the room, he left the door open because he wanted Matteo to hear. He wasn't going to yell but he had some things to clarify. 

“Ok, so I think we're done here-”

“David I'm really sorry,” Peter said. “I never for one second meant I thought he was stupid or that you had implied anything,” he insisted.

“In a minute, I'm not kicking you out but you've been here a while and I just want to spend the rest of the evening with Matteo, we’ve made good progress and I think we’re done for the night,” he said. 

Chloe nodded and they began to gather their things. David turned to Peter, at least he looked sorry. 

"I know Lucy has already told you off but I can’t let this go. I’m fucking angry. What you said wasn't ok, about anyone. I know it’s just a few words, I know to many people it could easily be shrugged off, or taken in a different way. I know you didn't mean it as an insult but at best it was a backhanded compliment. But the thing is you don’t know how someone else might hear something like that. Let me tell you a little bit more about Matteo. He thinks he's stupid, no matter how many times I tell him he's not. He thinks he's lazy no matter how many times I tell him otherwise,” David said, sighing and running a hand through his hair

He held his hand up to stop Peter interrupting.

“But he works hard, so hard. His worth and intelligence is not decided by whether or not he goes to school. Matteo has been through so much you have no idea and despite that, despite having to take care of his sick mother when he was far too young, despite moving out of home in the middle of his abi, he made it through school. Even though it was so hard for him and I am nothing but proud. He is smart, so smart, I see it every day. But he’s also so kind. He just cares about people, has spent years quietly watching people, learning them, teaching himself how to comfort and be there for them. 

“He is empathetic on levels you can’t even begin to imagine, or I don't know if that's it, it's like he just needs people around him to be happy. He feels so much that it often completely overwhelms him, but he uses that to help me and all his friends all the time. All of us know we can go to him when we’re down or sad and he will just know exactly how to be there for us. He never says much, probably won't have the answers but if you need someone to sit quietly with you? If you need someone to listen to you? That person is Matteo. That is not the kind of shit you learn in school,” David said.

“I'm really sorry,” Peter said, he looked so ashamed of himself.

“Ok. Ok. Just please, think before you fucking speak,” David said, staring him down, breathing heavily.

He was too upset over this he knew. But Matteo was upset and he was always a little blind when it came to him. 

“I'm so sorry,” Peter whispered. 

“Not me you need to apologise to,” David said. 

“Can I-”

“No. Not right now, no,” David said.

“Ok,” Peter said, nodding sadly.

“Just... I need you all to go ok?”

“We'll see you on Monday,” Chloe said. 

David nodded, then frowned Lucy wasn't there with them. In his ranting, she'd disappeared. had she already left? Peter and Chloe didn’t say anything just made their way out. David shut the front door and went back to his room. Matteo was in the desk chair slouching back, eyes closed and Lucy was sat on the desk, cross-legged. 

"But yeah so essentially I failed twice because there was so much going on in my head. How was I supposed to focus on abi with all that? But I get how you feel, there is so much pressure on us to keep studying. And god my mum, every time she says ‘I’m just studying film’, or ‘why are you stressed about school it’s only film?’ it hurts so much because I tried so fucking hard to get here,” she said.

David stepped in the room and frowned, he had no idea what she was talking about but he understood now why she was so upset before.

“You’re really brave,” Matteo said. 

“Not really, but I’m stubborn, it’s how I’ve survived this long,” Lucy said.

David quietly walked further into the room then, neither of them looked at him. He sat on the bed watching them.

“But Peter knows what I’ve been through, we’ve been friends since we were kids. Even though what he said was completely stupid I know he never meant anything mean. And I told him off and then your David told him off and he probably feels terrible now,” she said.

“Ok,” Matteo said quietly.

“He'd never intentionally hurt anyone, I honestly think he thought he was complimenting you, saying you were too clever not to be in school but he’s not the best at giving compliments is Peter, too stuffy. He’s posh essentially. And yet sometimes he can be so insightful. Today was obviously not one of those days,” Lucy said.

“Ok.”

“But you have the right to be angry at him,” Lucy said.

“I'm not,” Matteo said.

“I know,” Lucy said.

“Should I be?” Matteo asked. “I only get mad when it's about others like for David, I never get mad to defend myself,” he said.

“Not necessarily, I don’t think that's too weird,” Lucy said.

“But I'm upset, I'm sad,” he said.

David got up now and walked over to him, wrapping his arms around him. Matteo just sank against him.

“And that's valid too,” she promised, “But things are getting a bit too emotional for me, and David’s here to kiss it all better so I'm gonna bounce before I hurl. I'll show myself out,” she said. 

She left without another word, not even a goodbye. David pulled Matteo up and towards the bed. 

“Ok?” he asked.

“Not really,” Matteo admitted.

“That's ok,” David said, stroking his hair.

He settled them down and pulled the blankets up over them, shutting out the rest of the world.

“I heard what you said,” Matteo whispered.

He was supposed to. That was the whole point, Matteo had needed to hear all that. 

“Yeah?” 

“You really love me,” Matteo whispered. “You see me in such a way, I don’t even know how to describe it,” he said.

“I do,” David said. “I wish you could see it too.”

“I love you so much,” Matteo said. 

“I know,” David said.

He pulled him close and wrapped his arms around him tight, he knew it made Matteo feel safe, but it made him feel safe too. Wrapped around Matteo, secure and warm in his arms, there was nowhere safer.

* * *

####  **Gay Movie Nerds and Peter**

_ Peter (Saturday, 21.54): David I am sorry please tell Matteo I'm sorry _

_ Peter (21.55): I really didn't mean it like that  _

_ Peter (21.57): I just meant he was clever  _

_ Lucy (22.06): he doesn't need to go to school to prove that  _

_ Lucy (22.07): do you understand that?  _

_ Lucy (22.09): he doesn't have to go to school at all  _

_ Lucy (22.12): or he could go and study something completely unacademic just because he enjoys it _

_ Lucy (22.14): there is so much pressure on us to finish school at abi then commit to these intense learning programs to walk away with a piece of paper  _

_ Lucy (22.15): and yeah degrees are important and some people thrive in that environment  _

_ Lucy (22.15): but not everyone does  _

_ Lucy (22.16): not all of us are wired like that  _

_ Lucy (22.18): I am not and I'm studying something I love regardless of whether it gets me anywhere no. matter what my parents think of my job prospects but I'm happy  _

_ Lucy (22.20): you know who does support me surprisingly? my seventy-year-old manager at the shop. every day I'm there he's talking about the awards I'll win not to forget about him when I'm famous _

_ Lucy (22.22): it's totally dumb but that kind of support is so important  _

_ Lucy (22.25): I went to lunch with Jon the other day eight kids in his class burnt out already since Christmas two of them dangerously so _

_ Lucy (22.26): we've already got so much pressure on us from family and the school and ourselves we don't need it from friends too _

_ Lucy (22.27): ok I’m done _

_ Chloe (22.30): fucking well said Lucy _

_ David (22.35): Lucy that was amazing  _

_ David (22.37): I read all that to Matteo he says when you are famous you gotta use that platform to get that message out there  _

_ David (22.38): that you'll probably save a lot of kids mental health with that _

_ David (22.39): and he understands what you were trying to say Peter _

_ David (22.41): and if you want he can teach you how to think before you speak  _

_ David (22.44): he's really good at that  _

_ Peter (22.56): and are we ok _

_ David (22.59): we're ok _

_ Chloe (23.03): you really went OFF David  _

_ David (23.05): just said what I felt, it had to be said, and I wanted him to hear it too you know? _

_ Chloe (23.07): that's love _

_ Lucy (23.08): 🤮 _

* * *

####  **Leonie**

_ Leonie (Sunday, 08.03): has Sara contacted you at all  _

_ Leonie (08.04): she's ignoring me _

_ David (09.08): I'm seeing her this week for school stuff  _

_ David (09.09): she messaged me saying she was still coming  _

_ David (09.11): I will try to talk to her  _

_ Leonie (09.13): I'm just worried about her  _

_ David (09.17): she's texting with Matteo he says she's upset but she's ok _

_ Leonie (09.18): oh good _

_ David (09.20): good?  _

_ Leonie (09.22): if Matteo is talking with her he won't let her do something stupid  _

_ David (09.24): no he won't says he's told her to lay off the wine _

_ David (09.25): I think she needs time  _

_ Leonie (09.26): ok _

_ Leonie (09.27): ok I can give her that _

* * *

They were in David’s bedroom, had been in there all morning. Matteo was laying against him, almost asleep. But he had to get up and go to work soon. He only had to be there for a few hours, and only because Ingrid had asked him to accompany her to church. She didn't get there as often as she would like. And Matteo would jump to help her with anything. He was so good. 

It was tiring him out though. Not the work, all the travelling, it was only half an hour by bus, but Matteo hated the bus. As much as he joked over taking it a few stops because he was lazy, he couldn't bear to ride for any significant length of time. It was the people, the noise and the way they all crammed together to let as many passengers on as possible. He'd told David that more than once now he'd ended up riding long past his stop rather than push and squeeze past the masses. Then had to walk back and felt guilty about being late for a time he'd set himself. 

He would rather cycle which was a little surprising, but it was too cold to cycle right now. Hopefully come spring things would get easier but David wanted to solve this now. 

David’s apartment was closer to Ingrid’s than the WG. Matteo’s mother’s house was even closer, but Matteo never stayed over there anymore. Too many memories.

Ingrid’s house was also closer to his school. Not much, only about ten minutes in the opposite direction to his and Laura's. It meant sometimes Matteo would swing by around lunchtime to say hi. Always with food. But David couldn’t help but wonder. If Matteo needed to be closer to Ingrid's and it wouldn't put David any further from his school what was stopping them. 

“Maybe you could move closer to Ingrid’s,” he suggested.

Matteo scoffed, didn’t even look back at him, just continued to stare at the ceiling, focusing on whatever it was that David couldn’t even see.

“I’m serious,” David said.

“I’m not moving out, I like my apartment, I hate change, and I don't want to live with any other weirdos,” he said.

"Other weirdos? I'll tell Hans," David threatened. 

"He knows I love him," Matteo said. 

David grinned and ran his fingers through Matteo's hair. He wondered if he should just ask outright or go about this carefully. Carefully would probably be best moving was a big change. 

“Well maybe you don't have to live with any weirdos,” David suggested, still grinning.

He shuffled and reached over to grab his laptop, dislodging a grumbling Matteo in the process.

He opened up the browser and looked for studio apartments near Ingrid's. They were expensive, for what they were but they could probably afford some of the cheapest ones. If they both continued getting money from their parents of course. It would probably be cheaper for Matteo's dad now that Matteo was earning his own way. Like his own dad, the man never argued money just appeared in Matteo's account once a month. 

“Look see, this one, you could afford, and you wouldn't have to live with any weirdos, and you could walk to Ingrid’s from there,” David said.

Matteo looked, the idea of walking instead of the bus piquing his interest. But then he shook his head.

“No David, I don’t want to live alone,” he said.

“Well how about if I lived with you?” David suggested.

Matteo laughed. Then frowned at him when he realised he was being serious.

“Come on David be real,” he said.

“What?” David asked, unsure why Matteo was reacting like this. 

He thought Matteo would be excited, thought that they were on the same page. He didn't expect him to downright refuse. He’d been thinking about this for some time. Daydreamed about it often. Hans had been right that time but he'd been thinking about it long before then. Now just seemed like the right time. 

It wouldn’t even be that big a step, they practically lived together already. He never thought he'd have to convince Matteo, maybe to move but not that he wanted to live with him. 

“You don't want to live with me David come on,” Matteo said.

David just waited for him to elaborate.

“If you lived with me I’d be there all the time, you would get sick of me in no time,” Matteo explained.

David just stared a moment. Did he really think that? He sat up properly and made Matteo look at him.

“No Matteo, no I wouldn’t,” he said quietly.

Matteo shook his head.

"You’d have nowhere else to go, when I’m being annoying or getting on your nerves, when you finally get fed up of me there's nowhere for you to go,” Matteo said.

David couldn’t help it. He grabbed Matteo and crushed him against him. He hated this, hated that he thought this way. It wasn’t fair. None of it was true. He wanted nothing more than to live with Matteo. He needed to explain. Needed to make Matteo see.

“Matteo,” he said, pulling back, “look at me please.” 

Matteo slowly met his eyes. He looked so lost and sad.

“Matteo this isn’t a whim ok? I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Months actually,” he admitted

Matteo just stared.

“What?” he whispered. 

“Matteo I want to move in with you, I don't need somewhere to escape from you because I literally only ever want to be with you,” David said.

“Oh,” Matteo said.

“Yeah oh. Like now when I want to run away, but now it's mostly to you, I want to run to you, or away with you. And Matteo you know we've barely spent a night apart since our road trip and I’m not sick of you at all. I miss you when you’re not here. I hate it. I don’t even care if that’s sad,” David said.

“Oh.”

“Would you... do you want to move in with me?” David asked.

“Yes of course but-”

“Good that's settled then,” David said.

“But-"

“We’re going to figure it out, we’re going to talk and make a plan and it’s going to work out ok?” David said, pulling Matteo close again.

Matteo just nodded. David knew he was being a bit pushy but it upset him that Matteo thought he would just get fed up of him. Like that was ever possible, like he could ever get bored of him, it was just stupid. And if David had to be a bit pushy, to get past Matteo’s negative thinking then so be it.

* * *

####  **Tay**

_ Tay (Monday, 10.33): so I hear there is lesbian drama?  _

_ David (10.45): ???  _

_ Tay (10.46): the saga of Leonie and her best friend, two fair maidens cursed under the spell of miscommunication  _

_ David (10.47): you certainly have a way of putting things  _

_ David (10.48): how did you find out?  _

_ Tay (10.49): Chloe told me  _

_ David (10.51): yeah  _

_ David (10.52): essentially Leonie yelled in Sara's face she was in love with her and she ran away  _

_ Tay (10.55): romantic  _

_ David (11.01): it worked for me and Matteo  _

_ Tay (11.02): really  _

_ David (11.03): yeah  _

_ David (11.04): we yelled at each other in an abandoned pool told each other we loved each other and that was it _

_ Tay (11.05): ok starting to rethink that whole perfect couple thing you two have going on _

_ David (11.07): well yesterday I asked him to move in with me and he said yes so I think we got it right  _

_ Tay (11.09): OMG _

_ Tay (11.09): OMG  _

_ Tay (11.09): OMG _

_ David (11.10): yeah  _

_ David (11.11): I'm so fucking happy  _

_ Tay (11.13): oh David it's wonderful  _

* * *

The next evening David walked into the kitchen, well he practically bounced. He was in such a good mood. He was going to move in with Matteo, he couldn’t quite believe it. Everything was so perfect, he’d not felt this truly happy, this content in a long time. It was as if everything that he was worrying about, everything that was stressing him out didn’t matter anymore. Because the good stuff outweighed it all.

But first, he had to talk to Laura.

"Where's your shadow?" Laura asked as he walked in. 

She was cooking dinner and David was starving. He’d been holed up in his room all afternoon writing an essay about lighting techniques, it was very dry and a bit boring but he understood the importance. Matteo had come home from work an hour ago, ignored him and collapsed on the bed.

David hoped Laura wasn’t going to be upset with him. She might be sad. But this was a good thing. Surely she would see that?

"Bedroom, he fell asleep,” David said, sitting down at the counter.

He grabbed some bread and she tutted but didn’t stop him. 

“Well he was at work all day, unlike some,” she said.

“Hey! I had schoolwork, I’ve been busy too,” David argued.

She just laughed and rolled her eyes. David sighed and fiddled with the potted plants, moving them this way and that. Not quite sure how to bring up the subject now that he was here. He just wanted her to be happy for him, and assure him this was the right step. Matteo’s doubtfulness was starting to get to him now.

She turned away from the stove and frowned at him.

“Ok what's going on?” she asked. 

“I wanna move in with Matteo,” he blurted out, apparently he wasn’t going to think things through.

But she didn’t look annoyed, she didn’t even look shocked. She looked like she’d been expecting this, maybe she had.

“Ok,” she said smiling at him.

She turned down the heat and came and sat opposite him.

“I... you're not mad?” he asked. 

She laughed and shook her head.

“Why would I be?” she asked. 

“Well because I'm leaving you,” David said. 

“Oh so you're going to move in with Matteo and just never see me again?” she demanded, placing her hands on his shoulders and smiling at him.

“No of course not!” 

“Then why the worry?” she asked.

He just felt guilty about leaving her behind, he worried about her being lonely. Apparently, she wasn’t worried about that. He also wanted her to tell him he was doing the right thing. He knew he was but he valued her opinion above everyone else's. 

“And you don't think we're too young?” he asked.

She reached out and took his hand. 

“You know what probably, but who cares? If it feels right then you should go for it,” she said.

David smiled, she always knew exactly what to say.

“Ok,” he said.

“Plus you moved out of home already once,” she reminded him. 

“Yeah,” he agreed.

So really it wasn’t that big of a deal.

“Matteo has too, right?” she asked. 

David nodded. 

“Something else is wrong,” she said.

She always knew. 

“I asked him last night,” David said quietly, “I was so excited,” he said. 

She frowned.

“Right?” 

“And he agreed but he didn't seem keen like me, I really, really want this, but I don't want to push him, I want him to want it too, not just go along with me like he does sometimes,” he told her.

“Well how do you mean?” she asked. 

“He doesn't believe me,” David said, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

He was still upset from that part of their conversation, that Matteo really thought he was just one day going to get fed up of him. He knew it wasn’t Matteo’s fault though. He didn’t know who’s fault it was, or if there was even anyone to blame. But he tended to blame Matteo’s dad anyway, on principle.

“About what?” 

“That I want to live with him,” David explained.

She nodded, he could tell she knew exactly what he meant. Had picked up on it from the time she spent with him exactly how he was. She looked back at him sadly.

“Then you'll just have to keep telling him,” she said gently.

David was starting to realise that maybe he couldn’t fix this. He’d never really thought he could but had hoped with time things would get better. Perhaps it didn’t work like that.

“For how long?” he asked her.

“To be honest, probably forever. The things we learn as children, those habits, especially in response to a trauma or significant stress, they change us profoundly. I once read somewhere that it literally has a physical impact on the brain, let alone the general mental health implications. David, I think he’ll always need your reassurances, but don’t give up. One day your voice will be louder than the one in his head, you won’t even notice when that is, you’ll be so used to it by then. But one day years from now, you’ll suggest something, offer something and he’ll accept it without guilt or hesitation,” she insisted. 

David nodded. He would. He would tell Matteo over and over if that’s what he needed. He would help him unlearn this mindset even if it took decades. He jumped up from the stool. It was time to reassure Matteo.

“I’m gonna go tell him you said yes,” he said, rushing to the door.

“Wait! Were you asking permission?” she asked, moving back to the stove. 

“Not permission but you know… like I wanted you to agree, tell me it's the right thing,” he explained. 

“It is David, I’m sure,” she promised. 

"And you're sure you'll be ok? Without me?" he checked. 

"Yes David, I love you don't get me wrong but I never had long term plans to be living with my little brother," she teased. 

David grinned and rushed out of the kitchen.

“Dinner in ten minutes David, don't start anything,” she called out after him. 

“Fuck off!” David yelled back, blushing red.

He wouldn’t miss that at all. Their own place with no teasing siblings or overbearing roommates. They could do as they pleased.

He bounced into his room loud enough to disturb Matteo's slumber. He woke and frowned at him, confused but not angry. He blinked a few times then yawned, stretched, and sat up. David jumped onto the bed jostling him and pressing close. 

“I told Laura,” he said proudly.

“Told her what?” Matteo asked, yawning again and laying his head on David’s shoulder.

“That we're moving in,” David said.

Matteo pulled back then and stared at him.

“What?”

“Yeah and she approves,” David said.

He frowned at Matteo, he didn’t seem enthusiastic or happy about it but he’d expected that this time. He knew better now.

“Oh,” Matteo said quietly.

“Did you think I was joking?” David asked gently. 

Matteo looked at his hands for a while. 

“Not... joking. I just thought it was some idea you'd eventually forget about,” Matteo said slowly, not looking up at him.

David remembered what Laura had just told him. Ready to begin the reassurances.

“Nope, I’m sure about this, it’s what I want. I'm set on this if you are,” David said, firmly, hoping he sounded reassuring and not overbearing.

“I'm scared though,” Matteo said quietly.

“That's fine,” David said.

“Really scared David,” Matteo said.

David looked at him, his hands were shaking slightly and he still refused to look at him. David sighed and pulled him close, pressing kiss after kiss to his hair, his temple, his cheeks, until the trembling stopped. This was about more than his fears of David leaving, this was his hatred of change, and his trauma from moving out of home the first time. David hadn't even considered that until now.

Now that he’d broached the idea, now that he’d gotten Laura’s approval, he wanted this so badly. But he knew he mustn't push. They had to do this at Matteo’s pace. 

“Ok well let's just start by looking at apartments. Nothing is going to happen immediately. I want to at least get my surgery out of the way,” David said. 

“That's only in two weeks,” Matteo reminded him.

Like he could forget that. Like he hadn’t set a counter on his phone to watch the days tick down.

“Ok then let's say sometime in the next six months,” David said, that seemed reasonable. 

“Ok,” Matteo agreed, still unsure.

David could tell that he was hopeful too and excited. Underneath his fear and doubts, he wanted this.

“But know that I'm ready to move in with you tomorrow if you stop being scared,” David promised.

Matteo just stared up at him, still disbelieving and David hated it. He hated how unsure he was, how he just couldn’t believe that David wanted this. When there was nothing he wanted more. The only thing he was more excited about was surgery. But he understood that it wasn’t him, these doubts were so ingrained in Matteo that all he could do was try to convince him over and over until he believed him.

“I want this Matteo, more than anything. I want to make a home with you. I want to come home to you every night, but somewhere that's ours. Our place you know? Just the two of us. And I’ll come home all tired from school and you’ll have been cooking something fancy in our kitchen. But we won’t have to worry about the mess. But I'll clean up anyway because it’s only fair, and because you were feeling experimental in the kitchen and there are tomatoes and cheese everywhere and we can’t really leave it like that,” David said.

Matteo smiled at that, finally relaxing against him. 

“That sounds nice,” he said.

“Yeah?”

Matteo nodded. 

“Ok don't freak out,” David said. 

Matteo frowned as David grabbed his laptop and opened it. It was still on the rentals page, the one he’d been looking at last night after Matteo had fallen asleep. Getting grander and grander ideas of where they could live, and dreaming about what they could afford in the future. Basing it on the paycheck he hoped for as a famous movie director. He chuckled to himself at his extravagant, ridiculous ideas.

“I found a few er… ok, some are just a bit ridiculous, I kinda got carried away. I was thinking about the future. So like some of them are kind of what we could hope to have in ten years, or probably more like twenty in this economy,” David said, grinning at him. 

He clicked on the fancy three-bed apartment that had caught his eye, the one that he’d favourited even though they had no chance. Because one day maybe. He’d seen it and immediately conjured up images of his own little editing studio and a huge kitchen for Matteo to fill with food. One huge bedroom just theirs and then a spare room for their friends. Or even further down the line their kids. And then David would have to give up the studio but he wouldn't care because it would be perfect. 

He knew he’d gotten away from himself, he was a storyteller after all. He allowed himself to dream because for a long time he’d believed he’d never have this. So now that he did, now that it was real, he was going to allow himself as many fanciful daydreams as he wanted. And even if they never happened, even if he and Matteo spent the rest of their days in a tiny one bed on the outskirts of town he would be just as happy. 

And right now on their budget, which they really needed to sit down and discuss, all they would probably get would be a damp run down cupboard. But it would be theirs.

“Twenty years,” Matteo whispered, staring at him. 

“Yes Matteo, this is where I want to live with you in twenty years,” David said, showing him what he’d found.

“Oh,” Matteo said, eyes widening at the fancy apartments in front of him.

“But for now we'll probably have to settle for something like this,” David said. 

He switched tabs and showed Matteo the tiny studio he'd found. It was still overpriced and the kitchen was tiny, and the whole place was a little run down. But it wasn't horrible. They would be comfortable there.

It was just fifteen minutes by bus to Laura's, a twenty-minute walk to Ingrid’s or a ten-minute cycle once the weather was warm enough. It was only twenty-five minutes to his school which wasn't much longer than he was doing now. It was perfect really. 

“It's a shithole,” Matteo said, clicking through the pictures.

“Oh,” David said, trying to hide his disappointment. 

“It's kinda perfect though,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah because they'd let us do anything we wanted with it,” Matteo said.

And he got it, he saw it exactly as David saw it, he saw the potential.

“So you'll think about it? I found other places too and we'll need to actually look but I like this one the best,” David said.

Matteo looked at him, really looked at him. Searching his eyes, his face for something. David didn't know what he found but he nodded. David grinned. They were doing this. He knew it wasn't going to be six months, they would be moved in by mid-March at the latest he reckoned. And that would be about a year since they met. It was all perfect.

Matteo grinned back at him. It was a nervous smile but he wanted it too. 

* * *

####  **Hans**

_ Hans (Monday, 21.27): ARE YOU TAKING MY BUTTERFLY AWAY??? _

_ Hans (21.27): DAVID HOW COULD YOU??? _

_ David (21.35): Jesus Christ Hans _

_ Hans (21.37): No I'm joking _

_ Hans (21.38): Mostly  _

_ Hans (21.39): But I'm really happy for you  _

_ Hans (21.39): you make him so happy  _

_ David (21.40): really?  _

_ Hans (21.41): yes of course  _

_ David (21.43): he doesn't seem all too excited about it  _

_ Hans (21.48): oh I know we had a long chat this morning  _

_ Hans (21.49): he's pretty sure you're going to get fed up of him and this will just make that day come sooner  _

_ David (21.51): I won't  _

_ David (21.51): I won't ever _

_ David (21.52): how can I convince him?  _

_ Hans (21.53): I don't know  _

_ Hans (21.56): you don't know what the future holds David you can't promise you won't leave no one can promise that  _

_ Hans (21.58): and he's been left behind a lot he's very much used to it, expects it, thinks it's his fault because he thinks he's difficult and too much  _

_ David (22.00): I can promise it Hans  _

_ David (22.01): I know you say I can't promise what will happen in the future  _

_ David (22.02): but I can't even imagine a future without him  _

_ David (22.03): he could never be too much for me _

_ David (22.04): never  _

_ David (22.05): I won't ever leave him  _

_ Hans (22.06): Ok David I believe you  _

_ Hans (22.07): you never asked my permission by the way _

_ David (22.08):  _ 🙄

_ Hans (22.09): but I'll forgive you  _

_ Hans (22.11): don't be a stranger David don't let Matteo forget about me  _

_ David (22.13): he will never  _

_ David (22.14): do you have any idea how much he trusts you _

_ David (22.15): if you told him you thought this was a bad idea he would call it off _

_ David (22.16): you will always be the person he comes to _

_ Hans (22.17): thank you David that means a lot  _

_ Hans (22.19): and I told him I thought it was a brilliant idea by the way  _

_ Hans (22.20): it seemed to ease his mind a little  _

_ David (22.21): thank you Hans _

_ Hans (22.22):  _ 😘

* * *

God, it was freezing, David wasn’t usually one to feel the cold but sitting here in this abandoned theatre he felt like he was never going to get warm again. He stood up and stomped his feet, trying to chase away the cold. Matteo was right he needed proper winter boots if he was going to be outside so much. Trainers just weren’t cutting it.

He was out with the film gang, plus Sara and her two friends Kristian and Alex from her theatre school. David had already paid them in risotto and bread, which he was pretty sure had already been eaten. They’d snatched it off him immediately, starving theatre students and all that. But they were working well, taking his direction and bringing their little story to life.

Now they were taking a break and David had wandered off to take a proper look around the theatre. He’d climbed up into the upper tier and was hanging over the railings looking down across the theatre. It was cool, just the right level of abandoned to give it an almost spooky effect. The reds and golds faded to greys and greens. The stage was still mostly intact and the now grey curtains still hanging, dirty and covered in cobwebs, making it seem haunted and ancient. 

He spotted Kristian and Alex on the edge of the stage, sharing whatever food remained. Peter was hunched over his notebook writing and Chloe and Lucy were setting up the cameras for later. Sara wasn’t speaking to him, hadn’t said a word when she’d arrived but he was just glad she’d shown up. 

She approached him now though and gestured for them to head to the seats near the back. Away from everyone else, she wanted to talk. He’d been expecting this.

He sat and watched Sara pace a while before she finally sat down beside him.

“Doing ok?” he asked gently.

“No,” she said.

He looked at her, she was wearing stage makeup but when she’d first shown up before Peter and Lucy had worked their magic, she’d looked exhausted. Had obviously been crying recently. And if David looked close he could still see a shine in her eyes, she was holding back tears even now. She was so strong. But why was she fighting this?

“Have you spoken to Leonie?” he asked, knowing she hadn’t, at least since he’d last heard from her.

“Have you?” she asked.

“I asked first,” David said, he wrapped an arm around her and she leant against him.

“No,” she admitted.

“Why not?” he asked.

He didn’t want to meddle but it really felt like these two just needed a push to sort themselves out. He just wanted his friends to be happy. 

“I’m scared,” she said.

“Of what?” he asked.

“Losing her,” she said.

“You’re not going to lose her,” David insisted.

“I will, she thinks she’s in love with me, but she isn’t. And she’ll realise and then what will we have? We'll have lost everything,” she said, crying now.

She clung to David as she started to cry and he held her tight. Trying to comfort her as best he could.

“I don’t think that's true,” David said gently.

“Well, why is doing this now?” Sara cried.

“Because she can’t stand hiding anymore, this isn’t a new thing you know? She’s been feeling this way for a long time,” David explained.

She pulled away and stared at him.

“Wait what?” she asked, looking completely shocked by this.

And that was a surprise, that Sara didn’t know just how Leonie felt. How long it had been going on.

“You didn’t know?” David asked.

“She just told me that she was in love with me, that she’d fallen in love with me,” Sara said frowning as she started to understand.

“Oh, that’s... I mean it's true but it’s been going on for a long time,” David explained gently.

“Oh,” Sara said, and David could see her working things out. 

“So maybe if you give it a chance it’ll work out,” David said, he took her hand and squeezed it.

“Maybe…”

“What do you want Sara?” David asked.

“I don’t know,” Sara admitted, “this is all happening so quickly. I’ve wanted this for so long and now it doesn't feel real,” she said.

“That's ok,” David said, squeezing her hand again, trying to reassure her. “You can take your time, but can’t you at least let Leonie know you don’t hate her?”

“I don’t hate her! Does she think that?” she asked, staring at him wide-eyed.

He squeezed her shoulder.

“Talk to her,” he said.

“I texted Matteo you know,” she said. “I didn’t know who else to talk to, I only have Leonie and you. And I didn’t want you to be mad at me. I thought Matteo might get it,” she added.

David nodded.

“I know,” he said.

“Did he tell you?” she asked.

“He said you were being weird, asking random questions he didn’t know what you were talking about at first, I let it slip about Leonie,” he told her.

“Yeah,” she said. “I just told him that I was struggling and that I’m bi and I liked someone and she thought she liked me too but everything felt unsure. I completely unloaded on him.”

“What did he say?” David asked.

Matteo never did tell him.

“A lot, he was really reassuring, but essentially he told me to take my time, figure out what I wanted and to talk to Leonie because no matter what we wanted from each other, we couldn’t just throw away ten years of friendship,” she told him.

David grinned.

“Look,” she said, handing over her phone, David took it and scrolled through the messages.

_ Sara: I’ve really fucked up everything now Matteo _

_ Matteo: what? _

_ Sara: can I talk to you? I don’t have anyone else I can talk to _

_ Matteo: Leonie? _

_ Sara: Not about this _

_ Matteo: Ok hit me _

_ Sara: I’m bi _

_ Matteo: Ok _

_ Sara: And I like someone _

_ Sara: A lot _

_ Sara: Fuck it I'm in love with her there’s no other way to put it _

_ Matteo: Tell her _

_ Sara: No because yesterday she told me that she’s in love with me _

_ Matteo: What? I don’t understand, she loves you, you love her what’s the problem? _

_ Matteo: Wait are we talking about Leonie? _

_ Sara: Yeah _

_ Matteo: ok you love each other, what’s the problem? _

_ Sara: I fucked up I walked away _

_ Matteo: why? _

_ Sara: because she yelled at me. because I was scared. because I didn’t know what to do. because this is something I’ve wanted for years and I'm fucking terrified, it seems so real and if I really do have it finally. what if I fuck it up, what if she only thinks she loves me but realises she doesn’t, what if dating me is so awful she changes her mind? _

_ Matteo: I really don’t think she’s doing this on a whim, look I've known both of you a long time, but it’s obvious she loves you, maybe she’s only now realising it I don’t know I can’t say I've put a lot of thought into it until now _

_ Matteo: I’m sorry I can’t help you _

_ Sara: No you’re helping I just needed to vent _

_ Matteo: Don’t keep this kind of shit in Sara it just hurts you, please talk to me, whenever you need _

_ Sara: Matteo I just don’t know what to do, what should I do? I’m scared I’ll make it worse _

_ Matteo: I think probably Leonie also doesn’t know what she’s doing. I think both of you want this but you’re both too afraid and it’s holding you back. But I really think you’re so close to being on the same page and maybe you should just figure it out together right? Better than ignoring it, because if you don’t talk about it you’re just hurting both of you _

_ Sara: but I'm so scared of losing her _

_ Matteo: you won’t, I promise you won’t, no matter what happens Leonie will always be there for you, she loves you, Sara, that’s not going away whether you go back to being friends or you work it out and become something more, you will always have each other I’m sure of it _

_ Sara: Thank you, Matteo _

_ Matteo: anytime, seriously _

David smiled, the messages went on and on but he clicked out of the app, it was their conversation and he wasn’t part of it. He was just glad she’d found someone to talk to about this.

“Well…”

“Let me guess you have the same advice?” she asked.

“Pretty much,” David said.

They were never going to work things out if they didn’t talk to each other. No matter what happened between them they needed to communicate.

“Ok so you’re going to talk to her,” he said.

“I'm still afraid,” she whispered, “Matteo’s texting me every day ‘have I talked to her yet?’ but I’m too afraid,” she said.

He took her hands and squeezed them, smiling at her. He just knew this was all going to be ok.

“That's normal,” he assured her.

“But-”

“Leonie was brave,” David reminded her, “she went about it entirely wrong but she was brave, you’ve gotta admit that,” he said.

“So maybe it’s time I was too,” she said quietly.

“Exactly,” David agreed.

They would be ok, David knew they would be fine. They loved each other and they would work it out. All they had to do was talk to each other.

* * *

####  **Finn’s support squad 🥳🤜🤗**

_ Markus changed the name of the group to Finn’s support squad 🥳🤜🤗 _

_ David (Tuesday, 19.33): I thought you couldn’t change the name _

_ Markus (19.45): No I created it, anyone can change it _

_ David (19.46): Then why didn’t you change it until now? _

_ Markus (19.47): I couldn’t think of anything else _

_ David (19.50): Fair enough _

_ Markus (19.55): So Finn welcome to your support group  _

_ David (20.01): How are you doing? _

_ Finn (20.05): Ok _

_ Finn (20.06): I was overstretched I think _

_ Finn (20.08): I’m ok but if I’d kept pushing it I would have burnt out _

_ Finn (20.10): I spoke to student services _

_ Finn (20.12): They’ve reduced my workload _

_ Finn (20.15): And my lecturers are happy to push out my deadlines _

_ Finn (20.17): Because they know I don’t want to fail _

_ Finn (20.19): I just it’s really hard you know? _

_ Finn (20.25): High school was really easy for me _

_ Finn (20.27): And I love physics don’t get me wrong but I've never had to work like this _

_ Finn (20.30): But my quantum professor has made me join a study group thinks I’ll benefit from the support when I’m ready to get caught up _

_ David (20.36): That’s so great Finn _

_ Emil (20.39): Yeah man proud of you _

_ Markus (20.42): Don’t let that happen again ok? Don’t keep this shit inside it hurts you _

_ Finn (20.44): I won’t I was completely drowning _

_ Finn (20.46): It felt so good to tell you guys _

_ Markus (20.48): We are always here for you ok? No matter what, any of you, I’m here for you _

_ Finn (20.51): You’re the best Markus _

* * *

####  **Dad**

_ David (Wednesday, 11.03): I want to move out of Laura’s _

_ Dad (11.17): Is everything ok between the two of you? _

_ David (11.19): We’re fine _

_ David (11.23): I want to move in with Matteo, my boyfriend _

_ David (11.25): not until after my surgery, but I want to start looking already _

_ David (11.27): Matteo works and gets an allowance from his dad, I don’t think that will change as he’ll probably end up saving money _

_ David (11.29): I just need to know if you’re still willing to pay my rent _

_ David (11.30): because it will be more, you’ll have to help Laura if I move out or it’s not fair on her _

_ David (11.35): We don’t want anywhere fancy, we’ll get the cheapest place we can and I’ll look at getting a job as soon as possible if you don’t want to pay can you let me know  _

_ Dad (12.01): I didn’t know you had a boyfriend David _

_ David (12.03): is that a problem _

_ Dad (12.05): no not at all. How long have you been seeing him? Does he make you happy? _

_ David (12.07): you don’t need to make small talk with me. But about nine months, and yes he makes me very happy. I want to live with him more than anything. _

_ Dad (12.10): ok David I’m happy for you, don’t worry about a job just yet, let me know when you find a place and I'll sort it. And don’t worry about Laura, of course, I’ll cover the shortfall _

_ David (12.15): thank you _

* * *

####  **Leonie**

_ Leonie (Wednesday, 16.15): So _

_ Leonie (16.16): Everything's ok _

_ Leonie (16.17): No fuck it  _

_ Leonie (16.18): Everything is brilliant _

_ Leonie (16.19): David you were right _

_ Leonie (16.20): I’m so happy _

_ Leonie (16.20): We’re so happy _

_ David (16.21): What happened _

_ Leonie (16.23): We talked _

_ Leonie (16.25): We just fucking talked all night until like four in the morning _

_ Leonie (16.26): About everything _

_ Leonie (16.28): We misunderstood everything _

_ Leonie (16.29): David she loves me _

_ Leonie (16.31): She really loves me _

_ Leonie (16.33): David I'm so happy _

_ David (16.35): I’m happy for you Leonie _

_ David (16.36): I won’t even gloat _

* * *

####  **💖Chloe and Lucy are Love Guru’s 💖**

_ Leonie (Thursday, 08.14): so we can change the name of this chat _

_ Chloe (08.22): OMG _

_ Chloe (08.23): OMG YES LEONIE _

_ Chloe changed the name of the group to  _ 💖 _ Chloe and Lucy are Love Guru’s  _ 💖

_ Leonie (08.25): I’m so happy _

_ Leonie (08.26): Thank you both so much _

_ Chloe (08.31): I’m so happy for you _

_ Chloe (08.33): Let’s meet up soon _

_ Chloe (08.35): and bring Sara I want to meet her _

_ Leonie (08.38): absolutely _

_ Lucy (09.01): I’m happy for you Leonie but I absolutely hate the name of this chat _

_ Chloe (09.04): I’m not changing it _

_ Lucy (09.05): 🖕 _

* * *

####  **Schreibner is a third wheel**

_ Leonie changed the name of the group to Schreibner is a third wheel _

_ Leonie (Thursday, 16.45): So _

_ David (16.47): You have got to be kidding me _

_ David (16.48): Change it back _

_ Leonie (16.50): No _

_ David (16.51): Sara make her change it _

_ Sara (16.53): I mean _

_ Sara (16.54): It is true _

_ Leonie (16.55): Yes! _

_ David (16.55): No _

_ David (16.56): What have you become Sara? _

_ David (16.57): You date one day and you’re as mean as her _

_ Sara (17.00): No I’m not _

_ Sara (17.01): I’m still the nice one _

_ Sara (17.02): But I think we should keep the name _

_ Sara (17.03): Unless _

_ David (17.05): Unless? _

_ Sara (17.08): You wouldn’t be a third wheel if we did double dates _

_ Leonie (17.09): no _

_ David (17.09): no _

_ Sara (17.11): Omg you are no fun _

_ Sara (17.12): I’ll text Matteo, I’ll convince him by letting him cook _

_ David (17.14): I’ll make him say no _

_ Sara (17.15): We’ll see _

_ Sara (18.12): Hmm well he’s not replying but you haven’t won yet. _

_ Sara (18.14): Are you doing anything fancy for valentines day David? _

_ David (18.16): Just dinner and chilling not into all that commercial shit _

_ Sara (18.19): You guys are boring _

_ Sara (18.21): I’m in charge _

_ Sara (18.22): Just fyi Leonie _

_ Sara (18.23): All you have to do is show up at mine on Friday at seven _

_ Sara (18.24): Don’t be late _

_ Leonie (18.25): Oh god _

_ David (18.28): Good luck Leonie _

* * *

Something was wrong with Matteo. It was like he’d done a complete one-eighty on his mood since yesterday. He was blowing David off. Every time David suggested apartments to look at he’d shrug and ignore him. David thought he’d gotten him convinced, now he wasn’t so sure. But he knew Matteo wanted this too, he was obviously just giving in to his doubts right now. David would just have to convince him. But carefully, Matteo didn’t respond well when pushed.

He was in a mood. Didn’t even want to do date night. Had sent David a text that said he was tired from work and not to even bother coming over. David knew he should probably give Matteo space if he was asking for it. But he didn’t seem like he really wanted it. So he’d grabbed a pizza, and some cookies and headed over there.

“Hey,” he said, opening the door to Matteo’s room. 

Matteo was on the floor, by the balcony door. Smoking. Obviously too cold to actually go outside.

“Told you not to come,” Matteo muttered.

“Do you want me to go?”

Matteo looked at him for a long moment, before shaking his head. David shut the door and walked over.

“Food?” he said, waving the pizza box at him and sitting down.

Matteo shook his head, he frowned at David for a second before offering him the joint.

“No thanks,” David said. “How many is that?”

“Three,” Matteo said, quietly, blowing the smoke out, it curled around him before dissipating.

Then he reached over and stubbed it out in a cup. He sighed and leant his head back against the glass.

“Why did you ask me not to come over?” David asked.

“Didn’t want you to waste your time,” Matteo said, head still tilted back against the glass.

“How is it a waste of time?” David asked.

“I’m not exactly the best company right now,” Matteo said.

“Still wouldn't want to be anywhere else,” David said, shuffling closer.

For a second David thought Matteo might cry but he didn’t, just curled up against him. His skin was cold, frozen from sitting in the doorway for so long. David reached out and pulled the door closed but didn’t move them further inside. He was comfortable enough. If he stayed pressed close to him he should warm up.

“It’s date night Matteo can’t miss that,” he said quietly.

They hadn’t missed one yet, David wasn’t going to skip it. If Matteo wanted him there, he would be there.

“Sorry I couldn’t cook,” Matteo said.

“It’s ok, I bought pizza,” David said, opening the box and taking a slice, before pushing it to Matteo.

Matteo just watched.

“Have you eaten today?” David asked.

“Had lunch at Ingrid’s before I left,” Matteo said, still not taking any pizza.

David nodded and nudged the box again.

“That’s good, what did you have?”

Matteo shrugged.

“Bread,” he mumbled.

“Just bread?” David asked.

He felt unsure like the wrong move could have catastrophic consequences. He was afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. He wanted to be there for Matteo, whatever he needed but he was scared, scared of doing the wrong thing and making it worse. This was a very delicate situation and David wasn’t sure he was the right person to handle this. He’d never been delicate, never been one to stick around for the difficult situations. Always ready to run. But he couldn’t run from this, even if he wanted to.

“Wasn’t hungry,” Matteo said.

“Are you hungry now?” David asked.

Matteo nodded.

“Then eat,” he said.

Matteo still didn’t move.

“It’s for both of us Matteo,” David said.

“I was supposed to cook,” he said suddenly, looking up at David with wide eyes.

“You don’t always have to-”

Matteo shook his head and started pulling at his hair. David grabbed his hands and pulled them away, holding them tight.

“I was supposed to- I was supposed to have dinner ready for you- oh god David I’m sorry-”

“Please don’t Matteo it’s ok, really it’s ok,” David insisted.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo repeated.

David had to make it clear, he didn’t even realise Matteo felt this way. He’d never implied that Matteo had to cook for him. That’s just the way it was because Matteo liked to cook. He’d told him before, he always got excited when Laura asked him to help her in the kitchen. But he’d never expected him to cook all the time. He felt bad now.

“Matteo it’s fine, please don’t be upset. You don’t always have to cook ok? Please don’t think that, we can have takeaway every date night if you like. There’s no pressure, I just… you usually like to cook, you like being in the kitchen. But if you don’t anymore, or if you’re too tired it's fine,” David said.

“I do like to cook,” Matteo murmured, eyes still glassy.

He finally reached out and took a slice of pizza. David sighed in relief.

“Good. But just because you like to, doesn’t mean you have to,” David said.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

Matteo was still pressed close against him like he thought David would up and disappear the moment he let go. As if he ever would.

“How long have you enjoyed cooking?” David asked.

“My grandmother taught me when I was small. Or not taught me, but when I was maybe six? We were visiting in Italy and she showed me how to make pasta from scratch. I remember thinking it was really cool,” Matteo said.

“You never make me pasta from scratch,” David teased.

“I can, not as good as nonna but I can,” Matteo said.

“I’ll hold you to that. So little Matteo was a keen chef?” David asked.

“Not really,” Matteo mumbled, slowly picking at his pizza. “I didn’t start cooking until I was a bit older, maybe eight or nine. I don’t really remember it that well,” he said.

There was something in his voice, something choked up, sadness at a memory.

“Why?” David asked quietly.

He asked so carefully, he needed to be so careful now because Matteo looked like he was about to fall apart.

“Papa went away to America, I think, for business. And mama was ok then really, so he didn’t realise what would happen…”

He was staring at David but it was as if he couldn’t quite see him like he was lost in his memories. David wanted this to end but he’d started it now, he couldn’t stop now. Matteo needed to let it out.

“What did happen?” he asked.

“Mama got… sad? And she wouldn't get out of bed. And she couldn’t make me any food. And she couldn't get out of bed to go shopping. So I just ate snacks and I made sure mama ate too. I thought if she ate enough she would be happy again. But she wouldn’t really eat. And the food ran out really quickly,” Matteo said.

He wrapped his arms around himself and began to rock so David pushed the pizza box away and pulled Matteo into his lap, wrapping his arms around him and continuing to rock him slowly, making sure to squeeze him tight.

“How long was your papa away for?” David asked.

“A month,” Matteo said.

“A month?” David repeated, holding Matteo tighter.

“He didn't know. And I didn’t want to make him angry so I didn’t tell him when he called. But he must’ve known when mama wouldn’t talk on the phone. But I promised everything was ok. But I was too scared to go to the shops without mama. I know that’s stupid,” Matteo said.

“You were only nine. What about at school?” David asked.

“It was summer,” Matteo said. “And everyone was on holiday.”

God David could just imagine a nine-year-old Matteo, no grown-ups around, no one to ask for help. He hated his parents, but they at least kept him safe when he was a child, waited till he was old enough to take care of himself before kicking him out. They let him run wild but at the same time, he was never really left alone. He always had to go back or his mum would come looking for him. Usually angry or annoyed but worried too. He couldn’t believe there was someone worse than her, but Matteo’s dad was up there.

“Jesus,” David muttered.

“I was so hungry David, I ate a jar of jam but there was no bread and it made me sick,” Matteo said.

“God, what did you do?” David asked.

“I found like rice and pasta in the cupboards but it wasn’t cooked, I didn’t know how. I was so hungry, I begged mama to help me, but she couldn't. She didn’t even know I was there, I was so scared she would get too hungry and disappear, I thought I was going to disappear, everything got so confused,” Matteo said.

There were tears slowly tracking down his face but he made no move to wipe them away, too lost in his memories. David squeezed him so tight, needing to keep him present. He didn’t want him getting lost or stuck in these horrible memories.

“What happened?” David asked.

“I remember getting really tired and cold and then I remembered nonna making the pasta. I think I dreamt about it,” Matteo said.

“Did you make it?” 

“No I called her crying and she talked me through it. How to cook the dried pasta,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

“It was terrible. I made a huge pot, I made all of it because I was so hungry. But I only half-cooked it because I just couldn’t wait. It was all crunchy but I didn’t care. I ate it so quickly I made myself sick again,” Matteo said.

“Shit,” David said.

“But the next day I went to the shops I was brave, or desperate. I bought another box with my pocket money and made it properly, with olive oil and salt from the cupboard. I swear it was the most delicious thing, David. I made enough for three days, enough for me and mama. And she ate it, and she almost started getting better. Then papa came home. Nonna had called him. Mama had to go to the hospital. That was the first time,” Matteo said.

“It happened again?” David asked incredulously.

Matteo nodded.

“Yeah, she wasn’t well you know that. But it was never as bad and papa always made sure there was enough food and left plenty of money after that. He taught me how to call up for food delivery. But I learnt from nonna and the internet how to make more and more stuff. And eventually, I just did the cooking all the because papa was always away or staying late at work. And mama kept getting too tired to cook,” he said.

“But that's not fair,” David said.

Matteo had been a child, he shouldn’t have had to deal with all that. He was too young.

“I didn’t mind, I really did like cooking. I liked making food for mama, she always ate it and it always made her smile, just a little bit, I just wanted to make her happy, I just wanted to make papa stay,” Matteo said.

“That’s still... god... Matteo, you were a child,” David said.

Matteo shrugged and David got it, he didn’t know any different. That was just how it had always been. Like Laura told him the other day, the effects their childhoods had on them. They would carry with them for the rest of their lives.

“I like cooking for you too, and Ingrid. I like cooking with Laura. It's fun, even when she’s mean,” Matteo said, smiling weakly. 

“Good that’s good,” David said, still holding Matteo close. 

He wanted to run away, he wanted to grab Matteo and drag him away, somewhere else. Somewhere safe away from all this where no one could ever hurt him again.

“Did I make you sad?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah, yeah you did, please don’t say sorry,” he said.

David couldn't understand how Matteo’s father had left them again, after coming home to find his child half-starved. How could he walk away again and leave him to fend for himself? At nine years old. When David was younger, at primary school, there’d been a boy in his class who’d always had bruises. He’d asked Laura about it and she’d said he was abused. He hadn’t understood so she’d explained it was because his parents were unkind. That’s what he’d thought abuse was for the longest time, something violent. And sometimes it was, but other times, it was cruelty, like with his mother. It’s why he’d had to leave home at sixteen because she was unkind too. And it was like Matteo’s father, who would leave a child at home to starve, just to avoid dealing with his sick wife. He held Matteo close. They were better, they would be better than their parents.

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_ David (Friday, 19.33): Where are you _

_ David (19.45): Football is over _

_ David (19.46): I’m home _

_ David (20.01): I thought you’d be here by now _

_ David (20.32): Matteo are you coming? _

_ David (21.01): Matteo do you want me to come over _

_ Matteo (21.07): I’m coming now _

* * *

Something was about to drop. About to go terribly wrong. David could feel it. He’d been anxious all day, in a way he hadn’t been since high school. But he didn’t know why. Things had been going too well lately and it felt like it was about time something went wrong. He no longer trusted this happiness.

It had been his last practice before his surgery. Matteo hadn’t shown up with the boys like he usually did. But David figured he was still feeling out of sorts since yesterday. Yesterday had been awful. David still felt uneasy about everything. Completely unsettled. He still wanted to take Matteo away and hide from the world.

But it was Valentine’s Day, they would be together all night. They weren't going out or anything. After last night they were just going to stay in and hide. Matteo had barely said a word that morning, just clung to him until he’d had to go to work. As soon as practice was finished David had rushed off, barely saying bye to the boys. Just wanting was to get back to the flat and lock himself away in his room with Matteo.

But Matteo wasn’t there when he got back and he’d barely responded to his texts. Or his calls. He was supposedly on his way. David felt a bit frustrated. Probably like how Matteo must have felt when he upped and disappeared all those times. He made a mental note to remember this feeling next time he felt like running away and ghosting everyone. Although that seemed unlikely these days.

His door opened and Matteo stepped in. He was still wearing his shoes and jacket. He wasn’t staying then.

“Where have you been?” David asked, getting up from the bed.

He approached Matteo, who took a step back from him. David stopped. The door was still open ready for Matteo to make his escape.

Matteo was going to run. David had to keep him here. He tried to approach him again, but Matteo backed away. He was going to lose, David realised. Because there was a determination on Matteo’s face that he had never seen before. He looked like he was in incredible pain, but he wasn’t going to back down from this. His mind was made up. David could fight him on this as hard as he could, but Matteo obviously wasn’t thinking rationally right now. Obviously couldn’t be reasoned with. He was going to leave and there was nothing David could do about it. But that wasn’t going to stop him trying.

“I can’t do this,” Matteo said.

“Do what?”

“Move in, the future, it’s not going to work,” Matteo said.

David knew that he’d been having doubts, but he’d been excited, the last time Matteo had been willing to talk about it he was excited.

“Why?”

“Because it’s just not fair, you want to, I don’t want to,” Matteo said.

He was lying, David, knew Matteo, knew when he was lying, or avoiding the truth. He wouldn’t even look at him. Something else entirely was going on.

“Bullshit,” David said.

“You didn’t even ask me,” Matteo said.

Yes, he’d been a bit pushy but only to prove to Matteo that he was sure of this. If Matteo really didn’t want it he would’ve accepted it, of course, he would. But they both wanted it. He was sure of it.

“Yes, I did Matteo. I asked you I gave you a choice, you could have said no and I would’ve understood,” David said.

“No you wouldn’t, you told me all that stuff, you were so excited, you didn’t give me a choice,” Matteo said.

“Yes I did you always had a choice, but I know you wanted this too,” David insisted.

“You can’t make my choices for me. You always say that. I don’t want to move in. I want to break up, I want to leave, I want this to be over,” Matteo said, his voice barely above a whisper.

And David just stared, he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t fucking breathe. Because not moving in was one thing, they could get through that while Matteo worked through his problems. But if they broke up then… they couldn’t break up because then Matteo would be alone and he wouldn’t be able to fix anything. David couldn’t let that happen. Why was he doing this now? What the hell was going on? What was he missing?

“No you don’t,” David said, stepping closer, he reached out for Matteo but he ignored him.

“David,” Matteo warned.

“Why are you doing this? What’s going on?” David said, trying to step closer again.

Matteo took another step back.

“I want you to leave me alone,” he said, still looking down at his feet.

“Jesus Christ Matteo stop this, whatever’s going on let me help you,” David said rushing forward now but Matteo moved back and held out his hand, warning him off.

David stopped. 

“You can’t help me, this is what I want,” Matteo said.

“No, it isn’t,” David insisted.

“We don’t have a future, David,” Matteo said.

He turned to leave and David grabbed him. He was on the verge of tears struggling to hold them back. David was already crying. 

“Matteo,” David whispered.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo said, pulling away.

“Matteo please,” David begged.

“I’m sorry David,” Matteo said.

And then he was gone, he pulled free and he left and David still didn’t even understand what had happened. He sunk to the floor and sat against his bed, staring at the door Matteo had just left through. He had no idea what was going on with Matteo but he was afraid. He was so afraid. He didn't know what to do, how to fix this, how to help him. The only way he ever helped Matteo was through comforting him and being there for him. If Matteo wouldn’t let him do that then how could he fix this?

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_ David (Friday 22.03): Matteo please I love you  _

_ David (22.04): Please come back _

_ David (22.05): Please tell me where you are _

_ David (22.06): If you need space I’ll give you space just please come back to me _

_ David (22.11): We don’t have to move in _

_ David (22.13): But please don’t leave me _

_ David (22.15): I need you Matteo _

* * *

####  **Jonas**

_ David (Friday, 22.35): Is Matteo with you _

_ Jonas (22.42): No _

_ Jonas (22.43): Is everything ok _

_ David (22.48): He’s left me _

_ David (22.49): He’s not ok _

_ David (22.50): And I’m scared _

_ David (22.52): Please just let me know if he gets in touch _

_ Jonas (22.59): Ok I will _

_ Jonas (23.01): He doesn’t mean it _

_ Jonas (23.02): Whatever he said _

_ Jonas (23.03): He doesn't mean it _

_ David (23.05): He means some of it _

_ David (23.07): But I know he doesn’t really want this. _

_ David (23.10): If he needs space I can give him space but I don’t even know where he is. _

_ Jonas (23.15): He’s not gone home? _

_ David (23.17): No _

_ Jonas (23.19): Can I tell the boys _

_ David (23.22): please don’t not yet _

_ Jonas (23.25): Ok but they care _

_ David (23.33): I know just give me a bit longer I’m going over to his apartment again _

_ Jonas (23.36): ok just keep me up to date _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [moodboard for this chapter can be found here!](http://youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com/post/190828527012/every-version-of-me-dead-and-buried-in-the-yard)
> 
> up next revelations, communication, reconciliation, and a hospital stay...


	7. plans are overrated cos you never really know where you're going

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was time. It was here. Finally. Everything was going to be ok. The next time he woke up he would be himself. Truly.

It was three in the morning and David was at the WG, pacing the living room. Matteo wasn’t there, Matteo was nowhere to be found. Hans was watching him pace while trying to suggest places Matteo might go. David had already checked all of them, this was his third time back at the WG just hoping Matteo had shown up. But nothing.

“And he’s still not answering you?” Hans asked, dialling again.

“No Hans,” David said, frustrated.

He kicked the sofa then threw himself down on it. Hans watched him as he held the phone to his ear. He dropped it again. No answer.

“It just rings out,” he said.

“I  _ know _ ,” David hissed.

“David I’m just trying to help,” Hans said.

“Well, you’re not,” David snapped.

He knew he was being unfair but all he wanted to do was find Matteo. And Hans wasn’t helping. He thought he would help, he always knew he could go to Hans for anything, knew he was Matteo’s go-to adult. But right now he was just as useless as him.

“I’m worried David, just as worried as you and don’t you dare say I’m not,” Hans warned, getting angry now. “I’ve been looking after Matteo a lot longer than you, you have no idea what he was like when he first moved in here. No idea,” he said.

And shit now David had upset him. This man who cared so fiercely about Matteo and David had just gone in there and had a go at him.

“What?” he asked quietly.

“Matteo had been round to our old apartment a couple of times actually, drunk usually, always quiet but fun enough, so when Mia suggested him as a fourth roommate, I had no problem at all,” Hans said.

“Ok?”

I thought it would be much of the same, all she said was he needed a place to stay and his dad was going to pay his share of the rent, actually more, more than the rest of us. It’s why he has the biggest room with the balcony, not that he really ever cared? And I guess his dad felt guilty, so he was just throwing money at the problem, rather than coming back, which is obviously what Matteo really needed. But it meant we could afford it and quick so I was happy enough with the arrangement. But then he showed up with nothing, just his school bag, completely spaced out but not like he was high and I knew something wasn’t right, there was a lot more to it,” Hans explained.

“What happened?” David asked.

“Nothing much Jonas came round the next day with his stuff, we planned a party. Ok, he didn’t talk much but I just figured that was how he was. So all ok, but that night…”

“What Hans?”

“I woke up. I don’t know why or what woke me but I got up. And when I went into the kitchen Matteo was just stood there, an empty cup in his hand, and he was just staring at it. And he was crying silently and I asked him what was wrong, and all he kept saying was that he’d left her, he’d left her behind, that he was as bad as his father. David, he was so distressed, nothing I could say would convince him,” Hans said quietly, eyes shining with unshed tears.

“What did you do?” David asked.

“Just sat with him, right there on the kitchen floor, until he calmed down. Until he pretty much fell asleep and I got him to bed. Then the next day he wouldn't talk about it, just pretended he was fine, but I made sure he knew I was there for him, no matter what. And we never really spoke about it again, but sometimes he just comes to me, just for the company, he needs that I think. And I’m happy to provide it. I’ve kept an eye on him ever since because someone needs to. And I know I joke, and tease him and I say stuff like you need to ask my permission before Matteo moves out. But I’m not fucking around David. I don’t need you implying that I don't care because I do. I care more than you know, and I love you don’t get me wrong, but Matteo is my top priority here, and I need to know that he’s ok because right now I’m fucking terrified,” Hans said.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry and I’m scared too, Hans I’m so scared. What do we do?” David asked.

“I don’t know, I just don’t know,” Hans said, burying his head in his hands.

What could they do? All they could do was wait it out. Matteo’s phone was on and he was reading every message he sent. But not responding, not answering any of their calls. He obviously just wanted to be left alone. But he was being so unfair. Why couldn’t he just tell them he was ok?

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_ David (Saturday, 04.03): I still love you Matteo _

_ David (04.05): No matter what that doesn’t change _

_ David (04.10): I hope you’re ok wherever you are _

_ David (04.11): And when you’re ready to talk I’ll be there ok _

_ David (04.12): Please be safe _

_ David (04.21): If you don’t talk to me please talk to someone _

_ David (04.22): I had to tell Jonas _

_ David (04.25): He’s worried about you _

_ David (04.26): No one is mad _

_ David (04.28): I love you _

* * *

####  **Jonas**

_ Jonas (Saturday, 08.19): Anything? _

_ David (08.23): No _

_ David (08.24): I can’t find him _

_ David (08.27): His phone is on _

_ David (08.28): He’s reading my messages but not responding _

_ Jonas (08.32): He’s not even reading mine _

_ Jonas (08.33): But give him space _

_ Jonas (08.36): Let him calm down _

_ Jonas (08.37): He’ll come back David _

_ David (08.41): I want him back now _

_ Jonas (08.42): I know _

* * *

David didn’t sleep. At all. He was sick with worry. He’d gone back to Laura’s and spent the night calling him, messaging him, all to no avail. He just wanted to know that he was ok. He wanted Matteo to know he wasn’t angry at him. That he could come back and they could talk about it and it would be ok. That he didn't have to go through whatever it was he was dealing with alone. That David would be there for him. Always.

Matteo had read every single message and ignored them. At least he was alive David supposed. That was a dark thought but he was in a dark mood.

Matteo had been lying last night. This wasn’t what he wanted. When he’d said they had no future he’d meant because of himself. David wanted to know why he suddenly thought like that. Or what had changed to make him give in to these thoughts. Maybe it was the idea of moving in together. But he had a feeling Matteo hadn’t been talking to him for a long time now. He’d been keeping something back for a long while.

David thought they were ok. Thought they were on track. Matteo was working now. He seemed happy enough. Yes he hit low points, last Thursday was pretty bad but they were working on it. They would get through it together. They were supposed to be moving in together. He was having surgery in six days. How could Matteo do this now? Did he really think David was better off without him? Did he not realise that he was forever for David? 

David hadn’t run after him. When he walked away, he’d stayed put. He knew he was too angry to do anything but shout and drag him back there and shout some more. And that wouldn’t do either of them any good. It would just make things worse. But now he wished he had because he had no idea where Matteo had gone. He thought he was just going back to the WG. He was going to give him a couple of hours, calm himself down and go right over there and sort things out. But he wasn’t there. He wasn’t anywhere.

David understood, if Matteo wanted space he would give it to him. He would give him time to work through whatever was going on in his head. He had to, he had very little choice right now. But he just needed to know that Matteo was ok.

* * *

He still had no word from Matteo. It had been a full day now. Laura had stopped asking him now. Probably fed up with the glares she got in response.

David had been to the WG, to Jonas’, even to Kiki and Carlos’ but he wasn’t anywhere. He’d just gotten back to his apartment after cycling all the way out to the pool, on the off chance that he’d gone there but nothing. Wherever he was, he still had his phone. It was ringing, and his messages had been read. But he never responded. But he was obviously somewhere where he could keep it charged. So maybe this was it, maybe he just didn’t care enough to let David know that he was somewhere safe.

He knew he was getting too angry and it was making him mean. He needed to calm down. But he was so worried. He swore he’d paced his room ten thousand times by this point.

His phone rang and he jumped for it. Desperate now. But it wasn’t Matteo. It was Amira.

“Hey,” he said wearily.

“I have to tell you something,” she said, she sounded agitated like she didn’t really want to be talking to him.

Right now David didn’t care. He didn’t have time for this.

“Er... there’s a lot going on right now so maybe now isn’t the best time,” he said, trying not to sound too sharp.

“Matteo’s been seeing a therapist,” she said.

That stopped his pacing. For all his pushing and suggesting, all his worry over Matteo not getting the help he so clearly needed and Matteo was seeing a therapist. In secret. Without telling him. So he had been keeping secrets.

“What?” he demanded.

“For the past couple of weeks he’s been to a few sessions, he asked me not to tell you,” she said.

She sounded guilty, quieter than usual. Not a trace of her usual teasing manner in her voice, very different from how David was used to hearing her. But right now he didn’t care how guilty she felt, this was important information.

“Well, what did the therapist say? What’s wrong with him?” David demanded, even though he knew that was not what he should be asking right now. 

But if he’d known Matteo was in therapy he would have never let him walk out of the door. Not without talking to him first, making sure he was calm and safe. Now David had no real idea about his mental state. What he'd been wrong all this time letting Matteo come to his own conclusions? What if it was worse than he'd thought? And he'd made it worse by not helping, not pushing him.

“He… it doesn’t work like that. She can’t give a diagnosis, only a doctor can do that. But she thinks he is showing signs of depression. He said it first and she agreed that's how it works. But it’s a start and he needs the help, you know this David,” she said.

Yes, he knew that of course, he knew that, did she think he didn’t want Matteo to get help? He was the one who had been pushing for this from the start. Why hadn’t Matteo told him?

“Just depression?” David asked, running a hand through his hair.

David had a long list in his head of things he thought Matteo was dealing with. Depression was up there. 

“He’s only had two sessions David, it’s so complicated, but I think this is the most urgent thing for him right now,” she said.

That made sense, she was right. But why had he left?

“I just want to help him, why didn’t he tell me?” David asked.

“He was scared I think,” Amira said.

“He’s missing,” David said quietly, collapsing onto the bed.

He wanted to cry, this was all such a mess.

“Missing?” she asked.

“He broke up with me, disappeared,” David said.

“Well where did he go?” she demanded.

Did she not know what missing meant?

“No idea he’s hiding,” he said.

“And you’re not looking for him?” she demanded.

“Don’t you think I've tried? Jesus Christ Amira I'm supposed to have surgery in five fucking days and Matteo decided that now was the right time to dump me. Fuck!” he screamed.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean-”

“I know. I know I’m sorry. But I’m so scared. I just want to know that he’s ok. If he wants space I'll give him space but he won’t even tell me where he is,” David said.

“But he’s ok?”

“He’s reading my messages,” David said.

“But how did he seem? Before he left?” she asked. 

“Devastated, broken. I know this isn’t what he wants,” David insisted.

He closed his eyes, they were burning. He couldn’t bear this. But maybe this was what he deserved. He’d done this to Matteo, twice now. To Laura countless more times, just ran without a word. It felt awful. The not knowing, how selfish he’d been, to leave without a word. Yeah, he’d been scared, angry, exhausted usually. He’d been running away, desperate to be anywhere else, but he never thought about those he was leaving behind, or he did but he figured they were better off without him. And wasn’t that exactly what Matteo was thinking right now? He sighed and ran a hand over his face. This wasn’t helping.

“Yeah,” she agreed.

“Do you think he’ll come back? To me?” he asked, voice shaking.

Because he was sure, so sure Matteo didn’t want this, but what if he did? What if he never came back? David would be lost. He didn’t know if he’d survive that.

“Yeah and when he does you need to talk, I think maybe you need to make him realise that he’s not doing you any favours pushing you away,” Amira said.

“He’s was just so sad Amira, he gets so sad. He's been having a tough week and he's been through so much you know? I just want him to be happy,” David said.

He knew though knew as much as he could try to ease things he couldn't fix it. He wasn't a cure, despite Matteo's happiness being all he wanted, he was powerless in this instance. 

“Yeah. Hanna said he’s always been this way, as long as she can remember,” Amira told him.

That wasn’t a surprise to him. But he wanted to take it all away, he wanted to be able to make Matteo happy all the time.

“How do I make that go away?” David asked.

“You can’t, but maybe he can, all you can do is be there when he lets you. And he will,” she said.

“Thanks, Amira,” he said.

“Please let me know when you find him,” Amira said. 

“I will,” David promised.

He hung up and looked at his phone. There were over two hundred messages and missed calls now. All of them read. David felt himself getting angry. None of this was fair. Why wouldn’t he just answer?

_ David: You’re so fucking frustrating, I hate you sometimes _

Matteo read it immediately before David could delete it and he wanted to cry. Why did he send that?

_ Matteo: I know _

_ David: Please Matteo _

He didn’t respond that time.

* * *

####  **Julia**

_ Julia (Sunday, 10.13): hi David darling, it’s Matteo’s mama here. Matteo is here with me. He won't tell me what’s going on, and he’s only just told me that he hasn’t been contacting you, otherwise, I would have messaged you sooner.  _

_ Julia (10.19): He showed up on Friday absolutely beside himself, he’s only just started to calm down. But he’s not really talking, he's a bit lost _

_ Julia (10.25): But I’m fine right now, he is safe here with me, I promise. I will take care of him. He will be ok here with me  _

_ Julia (10.29): he’s really not doing too well right now, I know you must be worried, but I don’t think he could cope with seeing you right now, he's so overwhelmed, every time I try to talk to him he just shuts down. won't speak won't look at me. I don’t know what he did but I hope you can forgive him. _

_ Julia (10.35): please give him the space he needs to sort through his thoughts, you know him well enough now to know that this takes time if you push he'll retreat further and I don't want him getting lost _

_ Julia (10.38): he will come back to you, he misses you terribly, and he’s so sorry David, whatever he’s done he is devastated if he's hurt you he's so sorry  _

_ David (10.41): I’m not angry please tell him I’m not angry, I’ve sent him a million messages I forgive him already _

_ Julia (10.47): Right now nothing is getting through but don’t give up on him _

_ David (10.49): I won’t not ever _

_ Julia (10.55): Don’t put your life on hold, David, give him time yes but don’t just be waiting for him. You know he’s going to overthink this to death before he’s ready to see you again. he always takes his time and when he's upset that just gets worse. he's always struggled with his emotions ever since he was little, never been able to stop them overwhelming him. but he loves you I don't doubt that and he will come back to you _

_ David (10.57): Thank you, Julia, thank you so so much. could you please tell him I love him always _

_ Julia (10.58): of course _

* * *

####  **Amira**

_ David (Sunday, 11.31): Matteo is with his mum _

_ David (11.33): I never thought he’d go there, not in the state he’s in _

_ David (11.35): Don’t get me wrong he loves her very much but it’s still such a fragile relationship, he still gets nervous going round _

_ David (11.38): Whatever’s going on must be so bad _

_ David (11.43): But he’s safe there I know she’ll take care of him _

_ Amira (12.01): Thank you David, I texted him, he’s ignoring me _

_ David (12.05): He’s ignoring everyone _

_ Amira (12.06): He’ll be ok, focus on yourself for now let him work through his stuff _

_ David (12.09): ok _

_ Amira (12.13): I know he’ll come back to you _

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_ David (Sunday, 13.45): your mum texted me letting me know you're ok _

_ David (13.46): she says you’re not very responsive right now, I'm sorry I've been bombarding you with messages I just miss you. tell me to stop if you want that  _

_ David (13.47): I’m sorry about the message I sent _

_ David (13.48): I don’t hate you _

_ David (13.48): I will never hate you _

_ David (13.51): I’m not mad at you _

_ David (13.52): I still love you _

_ David (14.23): Amira told me you’ve been seeing a therapist _

_ David (14.25): I wish you’d told me _

_ David (14.26): I want to help you _

_ David (14.39): I know you’re scared and all I want is to be there for you _

_ David (14.42): You’re always there for me _

_ David (14.45): Let me help you _

_ David (14.46): I’m here whenever you’re ready _

_ David (14.48): I love you _

* * *

There was still no word from Matteo himself but at least David knew he was ok. His mother would take care of him while he couldn’t. He was giving him as much space as he could. Which probably wasn’t enough but they hadn’t been apart like this in a while and David was struggling. And the only reason he wasn’t over there was because he was sure that Julia wasn’t going to let him in if he did try going over. But he was still texting him, letting him know that he was thinking of him, that he was worried about him but not angry.

Matteo read every single message and never responded. But he never told him to stop so David hoped it helped him anyway.

But David couldn’t just give up. He had to get on with life, Matteo would sort himself out, he trusted him to and David needed to continue with his life until he did.

He’d just finished class with the gang and he needed to tell them he wouldn’t be around for a while. With everything that had happened, he kept forgetting. But this was his last week. He was signed off school for three weeks minimum, with the option to extend it if necessary. He felt a bit guilty but they were nowhere near their deadline, and they were on track. Plus David would be bored laying around at home so he would probably be able to work on some scenes while he was recovering.

“Er… guys?”

“Yeah?” Peter asked, looking up from his notebook, where as usual he’d been furiously scribbling away.

“I’m not going to be in the next couple of weeks. Well for the next month possibly,” David explained.

All three of them stared at him. Peter actually looked annoyed at him, which was understandable, it was pretty short notice.

“What?” he demanded.

“Why?” Chloe asked at the same time.

Lucy didn’t say anything, but she was nodding. She wasn’t bothered. No that wasn’t it, she cared about this project just as much as the rest of them, but she refused to make school her life like Peter did.

“But I can stay in contact, and I can work from home and you can come see me and we can work together at my apartment at least, I just won’t be able to come in for a while,” he said.

“Why what's going on?” Chloe asked.

“Are you ok?” Peter asked, annoyance falling away from his face.

He smiled. They cared and it was really nice.

“I’m er… I’m having surgery on Friday. My top surgery. It’s finally happening, sorry I forgot to tell you. Or I kinda didn't want to. It’s awkward and I don’t really like talking about it,” he told them.

“Oh but that’s... oh that’s so good!” Chloe said, practically bouncing out of her seat.

He knew she was restraining herself on his behalf.

“That’s... oh that’s so exciting,” Peter said, beaming at him.

Lucy just shrugged, but she was smiling, she couldn’t hide it.

“I’m happy for you,” she said quietly.

“Thank you, all of you. But I promise as soon as I can I’ll keep working,” David insisted.

Lucy shook her head.

“No you focus on you, heal and get strong again,” she said.

“Plus with talk like that you’re starting to sound like Peter, and no one wants that,” Chloe said.

“Don’t be so rude,” Peter said. “David I’m so pleased for you. Have you been waiting long?” he asked.

“Since I was maybe fourteen, but I obviously had to wait until I was eighteen, but as soon as I was able to, I applied,” David said.

“Are you having it done privately? You’re only nineteen right? The wait is kinda long,” Chloe asked.

“My dad’s paying for it,” David said, laughing to himself.

Chloe frowned. Peter closed his notebook and put it to one side, obviously feeling this conversation was more important and giving up on working for now. He hadn't even planned to get into this, but it seemed like he couldn’t avoid the topic of his parents these days. Chloe already knew some of it, hence her confusion.

“What? But I thought they hated you?” Chloe asked.

“So did I. I don’t even know anymore,” David said.

“People can be complicated,” Peter said.

“It’s no excuse for being shitty,” Lucy muttered.

“I know Lucy,” Peter said softly, “all I’m saying is often people’s motives aren’t clear cut, their reasoning isn’t obvious and thus it can be really hard to understand their behaviour. Especially when it comes to parents. Sometimes they genuinely believe they are doing the right thing when to you or me it seems so wrong. And it can be so hard to argue with that when they are certain they are right. All I’m saying is, in this case, it might not be so clear cut. Maybe they don’t hate you, perhaps they just aren’t good at showing you they love you. And maybe they don't actually have a problem with you they just think they do because of what’s expected of them,” he said.

Lucy still frowned but David had to agree with Peter on this.

“I thought they hated me, both of them. But my dad told me the only reason he sent me away was to get me away from my mum. Sometimes I think she hates me but other times it seems like she doesn’t and that she’s just a bitch. And I don’t know why I should bother with my dad, yes he’s paying for this, but it’s not a lot of money to him, it’s just a gesture,” David said.

“You should just milk him for all his money then,” Lucy said.

“But I don’t want to? My mum always relied on him for money, and he always relied on his parents. I don’t want to be like that, I want to make my own way. I never want to have to rely on them again, because they could so easily take it all back. I will never let that happen,” David said.

“You’re very strong, and you’re already pretty independent, I think you’ll be fine,” Chloe said.

She reached over and squeezed his shoulder. He smiled.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“But what about them?” David asked.

“We can’t tell you that. Only they can tell you, sometimes acceptance is slow, unfairly so. Sometimes the family you’re born into is not your true family, it’s the family you find. It doesn’t mean you can’t keep them in your life. And it’s not wrong of you to want that, it’s not wrong of you to love them, both of them even after everything,” Chloe said.

“I do, I don’t want to but I do,” David said.

Chloe nodded.

“They’re your parents, it’s so natural to love them and want them to love you back, there’s nothing wrong with that. But your dad is obviously ok with the surgery, and it doesn't matter whether your mother is or not. It’s your body, not hers and she can accept it, or she can let you go, but it’s her loss,” she said.

“Yeah absolutely it's her loss,” Peter agreed.

“Thank you guys you’re so great,” David said.

“Even Peter?” Lucy asked.

“Especially Peter,” David said, causing Lucy and Chloe to groan and Peter to beam at him.

But he had helped, what he’d said was comforting. This was what Lucy had meant when she was telling Matteo how insightful he was. Only some of the time of course. David couldn’t believe at the beginning of the year he’d had no one. That he was just going to go through school alone. And then Peter had approached him, sat next to him and invited him to join their group. That was all it had taken. From there David had reached out in his other classes. He now had people to talk to, hang out with after class. If he hadn’t made friends in class he would have never dared try to join the football club. And yeah he’d gone into that first class determined, and Matteo and Leonie had pushed him to it, but Peter had made that choice to sit next to him and he was eternally grateful for that.

* * *

Laura was angry at Matteo. She was trying to hide it, for David’s sake, but he could tell. She wasn’t exactly good at hiding it, the pointed glances and heavy sighs were pretty telling. He was surprised she’d kept quiet for this long. He realised she probably felt like he’d left both of them, she was angry for David, but also for herself. But she didn’t really understand what was going on. 

They were currently in the living room, David was barely in his room at the moment. Not wanting to lock himself in. Not wanting to be in there alone without Matteo. So he sat out in the living room, needing Laura’s company. He was sketching cityscapes and ideas for the film project.

Laura was sitting opposite him, drinking tea. Every now and then she sighed and glanced at him. David was just waiting for her to speak up. He knew she wanted to say something. He’d told her nothing so far. She was completely in the dark.

“So are we going to talk about it?” she asked finally, putting down her cup.

He refused to look up from his drawing.

“No,” he said.

It was too painful.

“You’re sad,” Laura said.

Well, what did she expect? Him to be jumping for joy? Of course, he was fucking sad, he was fucking devastated. This hurt like nothing else he’d ever experienced.

“I know,” he said.

“It’s really unfair of him to do this to you, right before your surgery too,” she said.

And she was right but she still didn’t understand everything. She didn’t know how Matteo worked, what was going through his head. Neither did David right now, but he had an idea. He understood what Matteo thought he was doing. He was wrong but he thought what he was doing was the best option. He thought it was his only option.

“He thinks he’s making things easier for me,” David said.

“How?” she asked, getting up from her chair and coming over to sit with him on the sofa.

“He thinks we have no future together, because of him, because of whatever’s going on,” David explained.

And he knew that Matteo wouldn’t mind him telling Laura whatever he knew, but that wasn’t fair. It was his place to tell her, not David’s. But at the same time, he didn’t want Laura to be angry at him. He wanted to justify Matteo’s behaviour, even though he hated all of this. But he didn’t even really know how to explain it.

“But that’s still unfair, you’re committed to this he can’t just take that choice from you,” she argued.

“Please don’t be angry at him,” David said.

“How are you not?” she demanded.

“Because I know he’s hurting, just as much as me. More Laura. You didn’t see him on Friday, it was killing him. He is destroying himself, doing what he thinks is best for me,” David said.

“But it's not fair,” Laura said.

“I  _ know  _ Laura, I know it’s stupid, but everything isn’t right with Matteo right now and he’s not thinking clearly. And he’s really fragile, and this is a really delicate situation, and if I push him, it could do a lot more harm,” David explained. “He’s been in therapy. I didn’t even know. Amira told me on Sunday and god if I knew I would never have let him walk out that door. Do you have any idea how scared I was?” he demanded.

She sighed and took his hand, squeezing it tight. He squeezed back.

He wanted nothing more than to go over there, drag him back. Hold him tight and never let him go. But right now Matteo would fight him, right now Matteo wasn’t ready to listen to reason. He had enough to sort out in his head and David would give him the space he needed to do that. Because confronting him before he was ready would hurt him and that wasn’t what David wanted. 

Laura nodded, finally understanding. She’d pushed him, wanted him to let it out. He’d been holding it all in since Sunday, of course, she was worried. He hadn’t let her know anything. Just that Matteo was gone, and that he wouldn’t be coming back anytime soon. That he’d left him.

“Where is he?” she asked gently.

And David realised she wasn’t just angry at Matteo, she was worried about him too. He realised the last thing he’d told her was that Matteo was missing. That was unfair of him.

“His mum’s house, he’s safe,” David assured her.

“So you’re still here because…”

“He asked me to leave him alone,” David explained. “He needs it I think, he’s a mess, he needs space,” he said.

“But… ok I know it’s a difficult situation, but how long is this going to go on? You can’t just wait around for him,” she said. “That’s not fair on you.”

He could though. And he would wait and give Matteo all the time he needed. But he also knew that Matteo was going to need a push. He wasn’t going to figure everything out by himself, and when he finally did realise or admit that he’d made a mistake, he would probably be too terrified to do anything. But David would be there before he let himself spiral further into self-loathing. David would be there and they would pull through this together.

“Oh I know I'm not going to, not forever, but… there’s so much other stuff going on. If Matteo needs space right now I'll give it to him. And maybe it’s selfish but I kind of have a lot on my plate. With mum and dad, and school. On top of that, I'm literally going under the knife on Friday so… if he needs space it's fine. I’ve got shit to sort out first and then I'll go over there and drag him back if I have to,” David said. “And I’m texting him all the time, making sure he knows that I’m ok, that I’m not mad at him. That all I want is for him to be ok,” he said.

His entire plan right now was to get through surgery then march over to Matteo’s mum’s house and drag him home. Not that he would be strong enough, but he was pretty sure by this point all he would need to say to Matteo was 'come home' and he would follow him. But he did hope that Matteo would come back by himself. Before any of that was necessary. He would come back. He knew he would.

“It’s not selfish. He’s left you so you can put yourself first. Yes, he’s being absolutely stupid, but if you say he can’t handle this right now then you need to take care of yourself. He won’t begrudge you that,” she said.

“Yeah. He’ll be back though, this isn’t over. Right now he’s just not thinking clearly. He’ll come back,” David said, “he’ll come back to me, I know it.”

He knew it was true. They weren’t over and Matteo would come back to him. There wasn’t even another option to him.

“You’re really sure,” she said.

“It's the one thing I know Laura,” he said quietly.

She just nodded, she believed him.

He would get him back and soon. They would be ok.

* * *

####  **Laura**

_ Laura (Tuesday, 17.15): Hey Matteo I hope you don’t mind me messaging you _

_ Laura (17.16): David has told me a bit of what’s going on _

_ Laura (17.18): But only because I pushed him _

_ Laura (17.20): I’m worried about you _

_ Laura (17.21): I promise I’m not angry _

_ Laura (17.22): I miss you around here _

_ Laura (17.23): Could you let me know that you’re ok? _

_ Matteo (18.01): I’m sorry _

_ Laura (18.03): It’s ok, you’re going through a lot, it’s understandable _

_ Laura (18.04): I just wish you would come back _

_ Matteo (18.09): Is David ok? _

_ Laura (18.11): He misses you so much Matteo _

_ Matteo (18.13): It’s better this way _

_ Laura (18.15): No it’s not, I promise you that, he is so sad without you, I don’t know if you have any idea just how happy you make him _

_ Matteo (18.17): Look after David _

_ Laura (18.20): Take care of yourself Matteo and come home soon _

* * *

They were in the waiting room again. Just him and Laura this time. Waiting for his final appointment before the surgery. Although it wasn’t really an appointment. This hospital was weird. Everything seemed fancy. Not that he’d been to a lot of hospitals. But according to his letter and the brochure he'd been given last time he was here for pre-flight checks for twenty minutes and a ten minute one on one with Dr Straken his surgeon. The letter made it seem like he was just here for a quick chat. Although maybe he was.

The pre-flight checks were actually the final pre-op checks. Laura had said they were using silly language because medical terms made people nervous. She said it was stupid to treat their patients like children. But all it was was a blood test, to assess his hormone levels and check his blood, make sure his risk of clotting was low. Then they would weigh him, again, even though they would have to reweigh him on Friday. He had to do a urine test too, he wasn’t sure why. There was so much information. Laura probably knew. She knew everything, but he didn’t want to ask. He would ask the nurse instead, they were all so nice to him.

Then he had his one on one chat with Dr Straken, was just going to be going over what they’d already discussed. Talking through exactly what was going to happen on Friday. Any final questions. He liked her so much, was so glad she was his surgeon. He’d called her that Monday just like she’d said and she’d gone over everything with him. Calmed his nerves reassured him. He trusted her. He knew this was going to go well because she was the best. Not just as a surgeon but a doctor, her manner, her attitude was perfect.

Dr Straken had already warned him about this one on one chat. Told him it was supposed to be pally and informal, according to the hospital policy. But it wouldn’t be, because she wasn’t his pal. She was his surgeon and a damned good one at that. She wasn’t here to coddle patients, and he needed a doctor, not a friend. She didn’t see how it would reassure anyone. He told Laura this and she absolutely loved her immediately. 

“Nervous?” Laura asked quietly.

He was but only a little, he was too happy to be nervous.

“Yeah but excited too. This is real isn’t it?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, wrapping an arm around him.

She was just as excited as he was, he could tell.

“I feel like I've been waiting for this since I was fourteen maybe? Actually like even before that because I always knew I would need it. I can’t believe it’s finally here,” he said.

“I’m so happy for you David, it’s all going to work out it’s all going to be fine,” she said. "Everything is going to be so perfect," she added. 

“We’re here way too early,” David said.

The appointment wasn’t until nine and it was only eight-fifteen.

“I told you when we were leaving that it wouldn’t take that long to get here,” Laura said.

He’d ignored her and practically dragged her out of the house.

“I was excited,” David said. 

“I know. I’m excited too,” she said.

“I feel like when this is done I’ll be me, does that make sense?” David asked her.

“It does, it really does,” she said. 

She sniffled and wiped her eyes with her sleeves. David just smiled at her. She had always been there for him, no matter what. And he loved her so much. He was so grateful she was his sister. She was the only one who got him for such a long time. He'd always appreciate her. And he wanted to show it more. 

“Are you… you’ve been talking to dad?” he asked. 

They shouldn't avoid this, he wanted no secrets between them. Even if they had different views he never wanted her to keep them from him. 

“Yeah, a bit," she said carefully. 

And that's what he hated, that she felt unsure talking to him about this. he never meant to make her feel that way. But it wasn't unfixable he just had to talk to her. They could work through it. 

" Are you two ok? Or… I didn’t ruin it did I?" he asked. 

"No David of course not, we’re fine. Dad is the same as he’s always been. Asked after you, he’s giving you space like you asked for. But he checks in. He does care. He didn't even realise you didn't know. It was good you told him, made him get his head out of his ass. Although he's gone completely the other way now, "she said, smirking. 

David frowned, no idea what she meant. 

"Every morning I get a text like 'I care about you Laura' and 'I love you and I am so proud of you' all that kind of shit, it's kind of embarrassing," she said, laughing to herself, "but he's sincere, I can't wait till you're done needing space and he's blowing up your phone too," she said. 

"Oh," David said. 

And well wasn't that something? He would never admit it to Laura, not with the way she was laughing but he couldn't wait for that either. She probably already knew though. 

"I think maybe it’ll be better, now that we’re adults you know?" she said. 

"Yeah, I guess. He is leaving me alone. I think the last message I sent was demanding more rent money, he was ok about it, even though I was a bit rude," David said. 

"Ah yes and you told him about Matteo he was quite shocked," she told him. 

He'd seemed a bit surprised in his texts too. David didn't know why, felt a little offended if he was honest. 

"Why?" he asked curiously. 

"Not that you had a boyfriend," she assured him, "but that you were committing, that you wanted to settle down," she explained. "I mean you have to remember he hasn't seen how gross you two are." 

He shoved her. Hard. She just pushed him back and they kept it up until the receptionist cleared her throat. She didn't look annoyed at them. She was smiling but siblings having a shoving match in a hospital lobby was probably inappropriate. 

"I guess that makes sense," he said, "not the gross part," he clarified before she jumped on that. 

"He remembers when you were young, you were so restless, always away as soon as possible. You’re so much calmer now. Like even now you're sitting still, you just chill with me in the apartment, you never used to do that. You’d either lock yourself away or you’d be out all night doing god knows what," she said. 

He'd always been restless, always running before people could see him, could know him, could figure him out. There had always been this uneasy energy under his skin. This voice in his head  _ Get out before you're seen.  _ It was still there, of course, that kind of thing didn't just go away but it was a lot quieter, the energy burned a lot less. He could ignore it. 

He had no desire to run right now. Maybe one day something bad would happen again and it would get stronger again but he was pretty sure he would be stronger too. Strong enough to face it head-on. Fight back. 

He had no idea where this strength came from but he was pretty sure it was inside him all along. As sappy as that sounded. 

"I was up to no good of course," he told her. 

"Of course," she said. 

She may not have known exactly where he was but he always came home filthy so she must have had an idea, knew his passion for exploring. 

"But it’s nice to see you so settled, so comfortable in yourself, even before you get your surgery, you’re already so much more confident in yourself," she continued. 

"I know, I feel so far from that scared angry kid I used to be," he said. 

"You’ve grown so much David, I’m so proud of you. It’s not Matteo either, this is who you always were, hiding behind anger and aloofness, you never let anyone see you," she said, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

He leant into her. 

"It was exhausting though," he admitted. 

"I can imagine," she said, squeezing him tight. 

"You know when I graduated high school that was it, I was just going to leave," he told her. 

No plan just be away. Go somewhere no one knew him. Somewhere he could finally be himself and never return. 

"I know you talked about it all the time," she said. 

It always used to upset her, make her sad but she never argued with him. 

"Not once did I ever think I would be here, that I would stay," he said. 

"But you did," she said. 

"I did," he agreed 

"Gone is wild child runaway David, meet sensible adult David ready to settle down and move in with his boyfriend," she teased. 

He shoved her away but she didn't push back this time. Not wanting to start another fight. 

"Technically I don't have a boyfriend right now," David said quietly, leaning back in the chair. 

His anxiety spiking and a heavy weight settling in his stomach. Laura squeezed his arm. 

"Oh you do, I think we all know this isn’t a break-up," she said confidently. 

He smiled, she was right. 

"Yeah it absolutely isn't," he agreed, "so apart from me what do you talk about with dad? Business mergers? Stocks and shares? Banks?" 

"Is that all you know about finance?" 

"Pretty much," he admitted. 

He’d never tried to learn anything about his father’s job.

"Well no we talk about normal things now, you know my life school and stuff, what I want to do next, warning me not to go into finance. How he thought I could with a literature degree I don’t know. We did have a pretty deep talk about his privilege and the negative impact it had on society," she said. 

"Really?" he asked. 

He'd never thought his dad would be particularly deep about anything. 

"Yeah it got pretty heated," Laura said laughing. 

"What he actually defended his privilege?" David asked. 

"Oh no he agreed with me, went off for about twenty minutes on the CEO of his company, hates the man," she said. 

"Why does he still work there then?" David asked. 

"To provide for us, it's dumb really but he honestly wants to give us everything we need," Laura said, "he's really now only realising we would've rather had him present in our lives." 

That was kind of sad, David felt uncomfortable, actually, he felt terrible. He shouldn't, he didn’t want to feel guilty but he couldn't help it. 

"Don't feel bad David, he's ok. He's a grown man making his own decisions, stupid ones but they're his decisions entirely and he has to face them," she said. 

God Laura was the wisest person he knew, even when they were little she'd always had this calm wisdom about her. He’d always been able to go to her with any problem, whether it was because he’d broken some fancy vase or he was figuring out about being trans. She’s always been able to help. Even if it was just listening and offering her opinion.

"I'll talk to him soon," he said. 

"No rush," Laura said. "Hey, have you heard from Mel?" 

Laura loved Mel, was jealous that he got such a cool godmother when she was stuck with Frederick, their dad's schoolfriend, and his wife Hilda. They were perfectly nice, just a little boring. Very stable and supportive godparents. Or they had been. David didn’t think they’d been in touch lately.

Mel was not boring, didn't even know the meaning of the word. Totally eccentric, didn't even have a cellphone. Well she did, had got one when David had left home so that he could call her or message her whenever he needed. But that was all she used it for. Literally had his and Laura’s numbers and nothing else.

She lived a quiet life out in Fürstenberg, just her and Penny. She had a fair trade shop selling all sorts of unusual clothing and craft things. It was where he’d gotten half the stuff for his room. The shop only opened when she felt like it. And she taught yoga and meditation. Again when she felt like it. Said she couldn’t be kept to a timetable. But she had always had a very calming influence on David, was always telling him he needed a better outlet for his anger. 

He hadn't understood it at the time and he realised now it was because he was so angry all the time he'd forgotten how else to be. He was so angry he didn’t even realise what it was anymore.

When he'd gone back to her after what had happened at school it had been the first time he wasn't angry. Because this time he'd been devastatingly sad. He'd lost everything, things he hadn't ever thought he needed. Matteo yes, but also Leonie and Sara too. His chance at finishing Abi. He'd been broken when he showed up at her door. She’d taken him in as always without a word, sat silently while he ranted about what had happened. But she didn’t get angry, just calmly told him it would be ok.

Anyone else saying that even Laura at that point, it wouldn’t have gone in. Wouldn’t have been a comfort. But from her it was. Her gentle peaceful manner, soothing his worries. Because she acknowledged his pain and told him right then it wasn’t ok but it would pass. That he was strong and it would pass and he would be ok again.

“She sent me a letter,” David said.

Laura grinned.

It was more than a letter, it was practically a novel. David had read it a hundred times though, taking her words of luck and well wishes from both her and Penny, internalising them. Reading over her advice for calming his nerves. And the remedies she suggested for healing his scars. How she knew it was all going to go well because of the alignment of the stars. He didn't even pretend to understand half the stuff she talked about. Knew a lot of people would scoff, think she was loopy. But she was incredibly clever, extremely well-read and knowledgeable about this stuff. And she was always right. He didn’t need to understand it because she was always right. 

He missed her, he would have to visit again soon, take Matteo too. She would be good for him, help him with the worries that plagued his mind.

“I don’t know how her and mum were ever friends,” Laura said.

“Me either,” David said.

Mel was his mother’s friend at one point. Laura got their father’s friends and he got their mum’s best friend since childhood. They were nothing alike. His mother didn’t even talk to her anymore, didn’t agree with her lifestyle. 

Or that wasn’t it but she just didn’t fit in his mum’s world. She was too colourful. Too fun. But Mel had never given up on him, taking her responsibility as godparent completely seriously. She’d also never given up on his mum, always asked after her, always sent her love. Still wrote her letters even now without a response. She cared deeply for the woman, even with the way she’d treated her, the way she’d treated him. There was something strong between them that his mother couldn’t cast aside no matter how hard she tried. That was what Mel always told him. 

She disagreed with the way his mother had behaved over him, was ready to give her a piece of her mind the moment she was willing to listen. But she still refused to give up on that friendship. David was amazed by it. And it was the reason that he knew deep down, if his mum ever did apologise, he would give her a chance. No matter how much he didn’t want to. He loved her despite all this. And Mel loved her too. Saw something in her even now. And he trusted that.

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_ David (Wednesday, 11.01): Just had my final appointment before Friday _

_ David (11.02): I wish you were there with me _

_ David (11.03): I missed you _

_ David (11.03): Laura came with me though _

_ David (11.04): I hope you’re ok _

_ David (11.05): I’m kind of nervous _

_ David (11.06): I told Laura I wasn’t  _

_ David (11.06): But I am _

_ David (11.08): I think it’s finally hitting me _

_ David (11.10): This is happening _

_ David (11.11): I want it but I’m nervous too _

_ David (11.13): I think that’s normal though _

_ David (11.15): I’m still excited _

_ David (11.15): So excited _

_ Matteo (11.31): You’ll be ok _

_ Matteo (11.33): This will all go ok and you’ll wake up and you’ll be so happy, it will be perfect David I promise, I really am so happy for you, I know how much you want this.  _

_ Matteo (11.34): You deserve it _

_ David (11.35): I’d be happier if I wake up and you’re there _

* * *

####  **Tay**

_ Tay (Wednesday, 12.13): Hey is everything ok? _

_ Tay (12.14): Haven’t heard from you in a few days _

_ Tay (12.15): How did the appointment go?  _

_ Tay (12.16): Nerves setting in?  _

_ Tay (12.17): I’m here for you if you need me _

_ Tay (12.18): Don’t pull away yeah? _

_ David (12.23): Everythings a bit of a mess right now _

_ David (12.25): But the appointment was good _

_ David (12.26): I’m ready _

_ David (12.26): Nervous but ready _

_ Tay (12.30): Ok but what’s the mess? What’s going on? _

_ David (12.35): Can we meet up?  _

_ David (12.36): I’m meeting Sara and Leonie at java in thirty _

_ David (12.37): They worked things out btw _

_ David (12.39): but I need to stay out of the house _

_ Tay (12.41): Everything ok? _

_ David (12.43): Tell you when I see you _

_ Tay (12.45): ok David see you in a bit _

_ Tay (12.46): Whatever’s going on it’ll be ok, I’m there for you _

_ David (12.48): Thanks Tay _

* * *

David didn't really feel up to meeting Tay, Leonie, and Sara at the coffee shop. But he knew if he went home he would just lay about moping in his apartment. Laura wouldn't be there, she had a class and then she was meeting up with friends after. So he knew staying home alone was not a good idea. 

He’d wandered around the city for a while to avoid going home. Waiting until his coffee date with Sara and Leonie. And then dragged himself to Java and joined his friends;

He knew he should be happy, the consultation was brilliant and he was happy but it all felt bittersweet because he felt so sad too. It was really starting to get to him.

But he could put on a brave face. His friends were happy, he could be happy. Sara was currently regaling Tay with her valentines day love fest for Leonie. The two of them clicked immediately, both super positive with a flair for the dramatic. David just sat listening. 

"So obviously I did the traditional rose petals and candles everywhere," Sara said, "because I just wanted it to be perfect." 

"Surprisingly I didn't hate it," Leonie said. 

But David wasn't fooled, that wasn't surprising at all. He had known that deep down Leonie was so soft and totally gone for Sara. Sara could have burnt the dinner or given her food poisoning and she would have still said it was the best date ever. 

At least they had a better Valentine's than him. He sat back in the booth and closed his eyes. 

"David are you ok?" Sara asked. 

"I know you don't like talking about it but did everything go ok at your appointment?" Leonie asked. 

"It was fine," he said quietly. 

It really had been, it had gone really well. Dr Straken was amazing and he knew it was going to be great. That he would get exactly what he wanted. And he couldn't wait. But he supposed he could be happy and sad at the same time. It was an emotional situation, both the break-up and the surgery. He felt like he was a complete mess. He was tired of being strong about all this. 

"Are you ready?" Tay asked. 

"Yeah," David said. 

"Nervous?" Sara asked. 

"Not really. I will be but I'm still excited," he said. 

"You really don't seem it, David, what's going on?" Leonie asked, taking hold of his hand and squeezing it. 

And that was all it took. 

"Matteo broke up with me," he whispered. 

And it was out there now. 

"What?" Tay and Sara exclaimed. 

Sara was so shocked she almost knocked over her coffee. 

"You're fucking joking," Leonie said, "really how could he? That boy sure knows how to choose his moments," she said. 

She was squeezing his hand really tight now, angry. He knew she would be. But it felt good. He was angry too, had spent the past few days trying to keep it in check, trying to stay calm and positive. but he was exhausted from it. 

"Don't Leonie, don't," he whispered, even angry he didn't blame Matteo. 

"But how could he do this now? You're having surgery on  _ Friday _ ," she said. 

Like he was unaware of how absolutely horrible the timing of all this was. 

"What's going on?" Sara asked. 

David just leant back and closed his eyes, he really didn't want to breakdown in a coffee shop. He probably wasn't going to be able to stop though, his eyes were already burning. 

"I can't believe he would do this," Sara said. 

"Oh come on really Sara?" Leonie muttered. 

"But he loves David," Sara said. 

"Really? Because-" 

"David, what's going on?" Tay asked gently. 

Slowly David opened his eyes and looked at them. He shrugged. 

"I don't even really know. I can't even tell you," he said. 

He couldn't exactly tell them Matteo was in therapy, that he was quite possibly having some kind of breakdown right now. It wasn't his place. It was one thing discussing it in vague terms with Laura, it was entirely different to share it with his friends. And he loved Leonie but she was always quick to judge when Matteo was concerned, already angry at him, without knowing the full story. 

"Is he ok?" Sara asked. 

And it didn't matter anyway, they all knew. Had known for a long time now. Something was wrong with Matteo. And David couldn't hold it back anymore. 

"No. No he's not ok and I can't help him because he's pushing me away and he's hurting and he needs me and I need him and I don't know how to fucking fix this," he said and now the tears began to fall as he thought about how helpless he felt. 

He rubbed his face with his sleeve. 

"Ok, David breathe, talk to us, what's going on?" Tay asked. 

And he had to talk to someone about this or he was going to explode. 

"He's been seeing a therapist, in secret," David admitted, guilt and shame washing over him. "He's not been ok for a long time, it's complicated and he's only been for a few weeks and it takes way longer to get a read on Matteo for him to open up. To know him. But they think he's probably at least depressed. His mum suffers from depression and paranoia and I guess he probably thinks he's gonna end up like her. If the therapist told him that he was depressed he'll fixate on that. Everything else will fall away. It's a life sentence to him. So he's just ended it now to save us the pain in the future," David explained. 

He took a deep breath, that felt good to say it all out loud. He'd been thinking this over all week but not voicing it, even to Laura. Maybe he shouldn't have told them but this was killing him keeping it all inside. He knew Matteo wouldn't be mad, but he never got mad at him so how could he judge it? There was so much they needed to talk about. 

"That's not fair," Leonie said. 

"I know," David agreed. 

It was the furthest thing from fair he could think of. 

"It's selfish, David you love him, how could he?" Leonie demanded. 

David shrugged. 

"Well maybe he needs a bit of space," Sara suggested. 

"I just want to help him," David insisted. 

All he wanted was Matteo back and safe with him. Why couldn't he see they'd get through this better together. 

"I think you need to stop making this about you and your feelings," Tay told him gently. 

They all turned to them incredulously.

"What the fuck?" Leonie demanded. 

"Tay he broke up with me a week before my surgery all because he probably has depression and thinks I can't handle that and that he's a burden but surely that's my decision, not his? I think I have a right to be upset," David argued, getting angry now. 

How dare they? 

"You just said it though, he most probably has depression, David. And if he does… do you have any idea what that's like? Not feeling depressed but actual depression?" Tay demanded. 

And David just felt sick. He was so tired, so exhausted from this conversation now. But he'd started it. He shook his head. He knew he was at a higher risk of suffering depression, but he hadn't. He'd gone through some fucking lows, he'd been depressed a lot but it had always passed, had always been fleeting. It had never taken over him like it did with Matteo. 

"It's not the same," Tay said quietly, "you have an idea of it, but it's not the same. Ok I'll give it to you the timing is shitty, that is unfair. But he probably hasn't even thought of that. This has probably been building for a long time, longer than you were probably even aware of. This is his breaking point and it happens to coincide with the time when you need him the most," they said. 

David just wiped his eyes again. It wasn't fair, he just wanted Matteo back. 

"But I want to help him, I'm not angry at him," David said. 

"You know how it feels when you feel one way and everyone else is there trying to convince you it's in your head, that it will all be fine?" Tay asked. 

"Yeah," David said, he knew that feeling really well. 

Leonie and Sara both nodded too.

"It's like that times a thousand, a million. You can't be there for him right now because he's not thinking rationally, he's just had confirmed to him that he's not ok. And yeah his reaction to that is not good but it's his reaction, it is what it is,” Tay said.

"I-" 

"Has he asked you for space?

"No. He just said we were over and had no future," he was crying in earnest now, "but his mum, he's with her, she said to give it time, she said he would come back to me," he said. 

Leonie pulled him into a hug and he completely broke down in her arms. 

"Then you need to give him that. Let him know you're not giving up on him but you have to let him realise for himself and then when he lets you back in? That's when you help him. But you already knew all this, didn't you? You just wanted to be wrong?" they asked. 

And they'd read everything perfectly because David knew all this deep down. Knew that right now Matteo was in no state to be reasoned with. But he wanted them all to tell him he was wrong. So he had an excuse to go over there. 

"I wanted you to tell me to go to him because I know right now that it's a terrible idea but I miss him so much," he said. 

"He will come back and when he does you'll be there for him. You keep him in therapy when he wants to give up, and you be there for him while he learns his mind and how to heal himself. And when he's doing a bit better you talk about this and how even though you understand why he did it, it was wrong and he can't just push you away because it only ends up hurting both of you," they said. 

"Damn Tay you should be a counsellor or something," Leonie said, "I should have come to you instead of this loser when I was pining over Sara," she said. 

"You wouldn't have listened babe, you are the most stubborn woman I know," Sara said. 

Tay just laughed. 

"How did you get through it?" David asked. 

"A lot of happy pills," Tay joked, "no therapy is good, finally accepting myself helped," they said. 

"How do you mean?" Sara asked. 

"I may have come out to my parents age twelve but I didn't deal with it well. At all. School was so hard and I tried denying who I was for an easy life but it hurt me so much, made me so ill. My dad got me out of there into therapy and it's been a journey. But I'm me and I can honestly say I'm happy," they explained. 

Sara flung herself at them and hugged them tightly. Tay beamed. 

"I like this one Leonie, she balances you out well," they said. 

David just sighed and took out his phone, still nothing. He locked it again and put it back in his pocket. 

"It'll be ok," Leonie promised. 

He nodded. 

It would be ok. It would be more than ok. Matteo was completely wrong, they had a future. They had the most wonderful future in store for them and he knew it. He knew they had this. But Tay was right he needed to give it time. So he would, and everything would be ok. Because there was no other option.

* * *

There was obviously no date night tonight. Laura had kicked him out of the apartment to stop him moping about. Told him to go out and see his friends, not stay cooped up in the apartment with her. She was trying to distract him. The nerves were setting in properly now and even she could see it. He’d stopped pretending now. Plus he was probably getting on her nerves, he knew she didn’t mind his company but he was spending almost all his time with her, and she’d gotten used to him being busy with Matteo all the time. 

As he was leaving she’d told him he had to be back by eight and in bed by nine. Like he was a child with a curfew. He’d thought of going to see Leonie but she already had plans with Sara. Sara had offered for him to join them but he wasn’t in the mood to be a third wheel.

And he kind of wanted to hang out with the football boys as he wouldn’t be playing tomorrow or for the foreseeable future. So he’d texted Finn to find out what he was up to and ended up at the campus bar with him, Markus and Emil. None of them were drinking. Markus seemed like he was about to tear his hair out. He had an exam and the other two were helping him study, quizzing him. Providing support and consoling them. 

David got a soft drink at the bar then sat down opposite him, raising an eyebrow at the unusual study location.

“He forgot he had a test,” Finn explained as David sat down.

“Distract me,” Markus whined, not even looking up, just staring at his note cards furiously.

“Er… I’m having surgery tomorrow,” he offered.

He needed to tell them. Tell them something at least; he was going to be off for a while. He didn’t want to just disappear, stop coming to practice. Plus they would be hounding him in the messages if he stopped showing up. 

Coach was aware, and devastated, insisted that David come back as soon as he was ready to help with tactics and gameplans. Told him he was his star player and to get back to full health as soon as possible. David was so pleased with that. 

Star player, he’d gone home to Laura blushing and stammering and she’d just laughed and sent him away. Telling him not to get too full of himself. But he felt wanted, felt that he had found another place where he just fit right in. Where no one questioned him.

All three of them looked up.

Finn and Emil looked concerned, Markus looked disgruntled.

“I said distract me, talking of surgery is no help, I'm studying medicine you dumbass,” Markus snapped.

“Alright,” David said, shrugging.

Markus sure was rude when he was stressed. David got it though, wasn’t offended. Knew he was probably going to be just as moody when his deadlines approached later in the year.

Instead, he picked up one of Markus’ textbooks and flicked through it. It was surgical anatomy, pretty heavy going, David was not jealous of his workload at all. He appeared to have read the entire thing, his notes covered every page. Little flag its and post its littering the book. He was a very conscientious studier, thorough and detailed in his annotations.

“What kind of surgery?” Finn asked.

David continued to flick through the book quietly.

He’d planned to tell them something. Because he wanted to let them know he wouldn’t be playing for a while. It was different than telling the film gang, they already knew he was trans. 

He hadn’t meant to tell these guys about the surgery, it had slipped out just then. He was just going to tell them he would be off for a while. But no matter what he said they were going to ask questions. They were nosy like that. Demanding. But never in a rude way, just a little misguided sometimes. 

But he wanted to tell them. He knew they were safe. He wanted to take a leap of faith.

“Top surgery?” he said when he found the correct page in Markus’ book.

Emil and Finn stared at him blankly. Markus nodded very slowly, frowning. David closed his eyes for a second then flipped the book around to show them. Finn and Emil still looked clueless, turning to Markus who understood properly now. He gestured at his own chest and David saw the moment it clicked for the other two. It was almost comical the way their heads nodded in sync.

“Oh,” Emil started, “because you’re…”

Of course, it was awkward, but he’d expected that. But they weren’t freaking out just stuttering and stumbling over their words. He could handle that. He'd take idiocy over malice any day. 

“I’m trans,” David said, feeling calm and confident now.

“Ok and you were born as... ok no I think I get it,” Finn said.

“Yeah?” David said. 

He didn’t really want to get into much more detail than that, they obviously got what he meant. They didn’t need to know much more really.

“Yeah no, I get it. I think,” Finn said.

“Ok?” David asked Emil.

He nodded but didn’t say anything. Still thinking. David tried not to dwell on it, it probably didn’t mean anything. He might just be slower. 

“So this is good right? This is what you want?” Markus asked, the quickest of the three to process the revelation.

Despite their constant teasing that he wasn’t a doctor yet, he was very obviously the smartest one of them, and he was going to make it. They all knew it.

“Yeah,” David said.

“That’s awesome then,” Finn said, reaching out to bump his fist.

David relaxed then, sinking back into his chair. Nothing had changed between them. Finally, Emil spoke up.

“Then I'm so happy for you,” he said quietly. “But aren’t you scared?”

“Of what? Surgery?”

Emil nodded. That was a fair question and to be honest, David was just glad that was his concern, rather than anything to do with him being trans.

“I’m a bit nervous, but I’m excited too,” David explained.

Emil turned to Markus.

“Will he be ok?” he asked.

He was really worried then. David was touched. They all looked to Markus now.

“Ok no surgery is without its risks, but it’s actually straightforward enough. Like David is fit and healthy and strong, he should be ok, your surgeon has explained all this I assume?” he asked.

David nodded.

“He’ll be ok Emil,” Finn said.

“Would you… you can say no…”

“What is it, Emil?” David asked carefully

“Would you mind if I prayed for you, that you’re ok and the surgery goes well?” he asked.

“Oh,” David said, completely taken aback.

He didn’t think anyone had ever asked if they could pray for him before, and not like that. 

“Yes that would be nice,” David said.

“He prays for all of us,” Finn said.

“Yeah I don’t know, I hope it’s not weird, you’re my friends and I want you to be safe, I didn’t even think about it until I told Finn I had, you know when he was going through that study stress,” Emil said.

Finn reached over and wrapped an arm around him, hugging him tightly.

“I really appreciated that, like I knew you cared but I was completely amazed. It really helped. I’m doing good now by the way,” he told them, letting Emil go.

“I’m so glad,” Emil said.

“Wow Emil you are the sweetest,” Markus said.

“Thank you,” he said, blushing and ducking his head, “It’s not that I don’t think you’ll be fine I just… it’s important to me,” he explained.

“I know and I appreciate it,” David said.

“Ok, that’s cool then. I know it bothers some people, but just because you’re not Muslim, doesn’t mean I can’t pray for you, that you don’t deserve to be looked after you know?”

“Even though he’s trans?” Markus asked.

Finn and David both kicked him.

“That’s not… I don’t have a problem with you David,” Emil insisted.

“I know,” David said.

That was clear to him.

“Sorry I never meant-”

Emil cut Markus off with a wave of his hand.

“I can’t speak for everyone of my faith, but how I view it is firstly you were my friend yesterday, and you will be my friend tomorrow, this new information doesn’t change your character or why I became friends with you in the first place. And secondly, it is never for me to judge others, there is no place for hate in Islam,” he said calmly.

“Well said,” Finn said. “Ok, are we all good? Can we celebrate David’s news now?”

“Yes! Fuck studying! Let’s go get drunk!” Markus shouted, making other people in the bar turn around and stare at them.

“Dude I’m having surgery tomorrow,” David reminded him. 

“Right yeah, you’re right. I'm trying to be a doctor, drinking before surgery is bad,” he agreed. “Actually it’s not just bad it’s not allowed, should you even be in this bar?”

David laughed, what was he going to get drunk off? The smell of beer?

“I think I can restrain myself. So let’s just hang out, yeah? I have to be home soon but I wanted a distraction,” he said.

He watched as Markus packed up all his books, shoving them haphazardly in his rucksack. He guessed studying was done for now but he didn’t feel guilty, Markus clearly needed a break. He hadn’t been focused on his work since before David got there. They could just have a chill evening, no drinking and Markus could wake up early tomorrow, hangover-free and go over his notes.

“So this means you’re not going to be able to play for a while?” Emil asked.

“Nope,” David said.

He was really going to miss playing and exercising. Being in a team. He was going to get out of shape pretty fast too and he would have to work twice as hard when he did go back to playing. Still, it was worth it. It was so worth it.

“Damn we’re going to lose every game,” Finn said, slumping back in his seat.

He looked as devastated as coach now.

“We already do but yeah,” David said, remembering coach’s comment about him being the star player.

“Still we had more of a chance with you,” Emil argued.

He reached out and hi-fived him, grinning. They all knew David was the best player.

“Thanks, Emil, but I can help coach you know. Like, help with tactics and stuff. I’ve already promised as soon as I’m feeling up to it I’ll come back as coach’s assistant,” David said.

“Does coach know?” Markus asked.

“Yeah, I told him from the start,” David told them.

“Cool,” Markus said, nodding.

Finn frowned, shifting and leaning forward.

“I have a question,” Finn said.

“Ok?” David said quietly.

Finn seemed nervous which in turn made him nervous. He didn’t want uncomfortable questions. They were supposed to be having fun.

“So er... you’re trans that’s your big secret then?” he asked.

“I guess,” David said, frowning wondering where he was going with this.

“So what's the deal with Ben? Is he like an old flame?” he asked.

Oh, that was fine, David could talk about Ben no problem. The boys already didn’t like him. He supposed he could give them the reason now. 

Beside him, Emil was cracking up.

“Old flame!” he laughed. “What are you sixty years old?”

“Or like boyfriend or whatever,” Finn clarified.

God no, that was so far from the truth. Was that what they all thought? That he’d dated Ben? That was the worst idea ever. 

“No Jesus Christ, he used to bully me at school,” David explained.

They all nodded, looking annoyed on his behalf. He could tell they felt justified in their dislike of him.

“Ah ok. It’s just he always stares at you, you know?” Finn said. “I thought there was something there, like history between you. Well, I guess there is, just not that.” 

“I know. It’s because I wouldn’t forgive him and he felt guilty, so he kept hounding me. We’ve reached a kind of understanding now though,” David said.

Ben had pretty much left him alone since their talk in the park. Would still offer him a tentative smile at practice, which David begrudgingly returned sometimes, depending on his mood. But he hadn’t spoken to him since. Which David was completely fine with.

“What an asshole though, like you don’t want to feel guilty? Maybe don’t be so shitty?” Emil said.

“How come you didn't tell us before?” Markus asked.

That stopped him, whenever people asked him that it always threw him. Like wasn’t it obvious? Yes they were his friends, and they were close now but he couldn’t just tell people. And why the fuck should he?

“I just didn’t want you to know, like why should it even be relevant?” David asked. “I just wanted you to know me first, you know?” he asked.

“No you’re right, it shouldn’t make any difference but I guess it does to some people,” Markus said.

“People like Ben?” Finn asked.

“Yeah,” David said. “I get scared of telling people, because of people like him,” he explained. “But also I just don’t want to tell people. Like Markus says it shouldn’t make any difference. You don’t need to know, not really,” he said.

Finn nodded.

“You think they’ll react badly?” Emil asked.

“People do, my mum hates me,” David told them.

“Fuck that’s shitty,” Emil said. 

“Yeah,” David said.

“But some people are good,” Markus argued, ever the optimist.

“Yeah but it doesn’t make it easier,” David said.

“Of course not,” Markus agreed.

“Did you think we would react badly?” Finn asked quietly.

“I… yeah. Like it wasn’t anything you did or said,” David explained.

But of course, he’d worried, it was a big deal. It was his safety and his peace of mind at stake, he had to keep himself safe.

“But just a fear,” Emil said.

“Yeah.”

“It's probably necessary though, the fear, it keeps you safe. You didn’t have to tell us at all I guess. You could have said the surgery was for anything,” Markus said, running a hand through his hair.

“You could have said butt implants,” Finn suggested, snickering.

Emil spat out his soda. David almost fell off his stool, he couldn't breathe from laughing.

“Jesus Christ,” he spluttered, leaning heavily against Emil, trying to calm down.

Emil wasn’t doing any better, shaking beside him.

“Butt implants are a terrible idea,” Markus said, dead serious.

“So er… we’re cool right?” David asked.

“Dude so cool, like we’re just glad you wanna hang out with us at all,” Finn said, and he meant it too. 

They all did.

David flushed red. These guys were just so great. They weren’t looking at him any differently, didn’t care about any of it apart from the fact they now had no chance of winning any games. He felt glad he’d told them. And on his own terms too. That was so important to him.

He ended up staying until nine just hanging out and chatting shit with them. Until they had to go so Markus would be able to wake up early and study in the morning. 

When he finally realised the time he had to run home. Laura was cross with him, or she pretended to be. But she was just glad he’d been distracted for a few hours. His surgery wasn’t until the evening, so it would be fine. He would go to sleep right away. She pursed her lips but let him off. Just happy that he’d had fun.

He all but collapsed onto his bed. He was suddenly exhausted. The nerves were still there but manageable. It had been a hell of a week. He was about to fall asleep when his phone buzzed. He grabbed it and saw he had a text from Matteo. David hadn’t texted him all day. Had left him alone. He realised he’d finally given him space. And now he was coming to him. He opened the message.

_ Matteo: I’m sorry _

_ David: For what? _

_ Matteo: Everything _

_ David: Matteo I’m going to call you, will you pick up? Please? _

There was nothing for ten minutes, David was getting really tired now, eyes burning just trying to stay awake. But he wanted to talk to Matteo so badly. Then finally a message came through.

_ Matteo: ok _

He hit call. Matteo answered straight away but said nothing.

“Hey,” David said gently

“I’m sorry,” Matteo whispered.

“Don’t do that, I’m not calling to tell you off. I’m calling because I miss you and I’m having surgery tomorrow and I’m scared and I just wanted to hear your voice. Because it’s the one thing that will make me feel ok right now, other than seeing you,” David said, pulling the blankets over himself.

He wished Matteo were here. After tomorrow they wouldn’t be able to hug for a while. If he’d know last week that Matteo was going to run he would have held him so much tighter the last time he saw him.

“It’ll be ok, tomorrow it’ll be ok,” Matteo said, and David knew he was right.

He felt calm and safe just listening to him.

“Will you come to the hospital? Please,” David begged, this had gone on long enough.

He was desperate to see Matteo. He needed him.

“I don’t know, I shouldn’t,” Matteo mumbled.

“We’re not over, you know that right?” David asked.

He needed Matteo to acknowledge that.

“I fucked up,” Matteo said.

“You did, you really did but not how you think, I promise nothing is ruined Matteo, I still love you, so much, I just want to see you,” David whispered.

He was trying not to cry now.

“I don’t know if I can,” Matteo said.

David wouldn’t force him, knew it wouldn’t help. It would make everything worse if he came before he was ready.

“That’s ok, I know you’re struggling right now,” David said gently.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. We’re going to be ok Matteo,” David promised.

“Why aren’t you mad?” Matteo asked.

“Because I can’t be, you’ve made a stupid decision, done a stupid thing but I can see why, I know how you think. I know you think you’re protecting me, but you’re just hurting both of us. I’m not mad. I just want you back,” David insisted.

“I- I- I-"

“Don’t panic, breathe Matteo,” David said, trying to stay calm.

He hated doing this over the phone, it never worked as well and he usually just had to listen to Matteo suffer until he managed to calm himself down.

“I have to go,” Matteo said.

“Matteo,” David pleaded.

“I love you, I do love you, I never wanted to break up, I hate this, I miss you so much this is killing me,” he cried.

“Then come home,” David begged.

“I have to go,” Matteo said.

David knew he couldn’t keep him on the line. Couldn’t make him come home until he was ready. 

“Ok Matteo, I love you,” David said.

“I love you too,” Matteo said.

He hung up and David lay back properly and closed his eyes. God he missed him so much, just hearing his voice again had almost killed him. But he didn’t cry, he stayed calm. He missed him so much but he was ok. They were ok. They were talking now at least. That made it easier to work through this.

The phone rang. Matteo again.

“Hi,” David answered.

“Sorry. Are you ok? Not this but the surgery. I don’t want you to be scared, please don’t be scared it’s going to be ok,” Matteo insisted.

God David loved him. So much. This stupid boy even now while in the middle of torturing himself stopping for a moment to make sure he was ok, that he wasn’t scared.

“Not scared, a bit nervous. Could you… talk to me please Matteo about anything just distract me,” David said quietly.

For a few minutes, he was quiet and David was scared he was going to hang up. But the line stayed connected.

“I… I’ve been gardening,” Matteo said finally.

“Yeah?”

“At Ingrid’s I’ve cleared it out. Mama made me go back on Monday, said I wasn’t allowed to stay in my room all day, so I’ve just spent every day clearing it, it’s almost done,” he said.

David smiled, it was good he was keeping busy. His mum had promised David she would look after him, she was doing a good job.

“I’d like to see it,” David said.

“Yeah maybe when you’re recovered,” Matteo said.

That was good, he wasn’t pushing back now, wasn’t refusing. David could feel the hope growing within him. If Matteo was thinking ahead, to when he was recovered then he was planning to come back. David knew he would, had known from the start but it felt good to hear it from him. Not that he’d actually said anything but David knew how he thought, how to read into what he said. He didn’t even hesitate to ask his next question.

“Will you take me?” he asked.

“Er… ok,” Matteo said, after a moment.

“But I want to see you before then,” David insisted.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

That took him aback slightly, but he didn’t let that stop him.

“Ok?”

“I just… I miss you too much. I can’t do this, I can’t stay away. I’m sorry if it’s selfish,” Matteo said.

David sighed.

“It’s not selfish at all Matteo, I promise it’s not. It’s what I want, I want you back. More than anything,” David insisted.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

And David knew he was coming back now. And soon, he would see him soon. He felt the relief wash over him. This ordeal was almost over. And he would never go through it again, he would never let Matteo walk away again. Not like this.

“Take your time, get yourself sorted… or not sorted but let yourself calm down a bit, then come back to me ok? I want to help you with this, I know I can’t take it away but I want to be there for you, I don’t want you to go through this alone. Ok? I want you here with me while we work this out Matteo,” David said.

“Ok,” Matteo mumbled

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he agreed.

They were fine.

David closed his eyes, completely relaxed now. Matteo was coming back to him, that was all that mattered. They were going to be fine. 

Matteo continued to talk to him, describing what he’d done in the garden. What he still wanted to do. It was like nothing had changed. It was easy between them just like always. Nothing would ever change that. Even when they were going through hard times, nothing would ever take that from them. 

He knew what Matteo was doing, talking of mundane things, calming his nerves, sending him to sleep. It was working, David felt himself drifting closer and closer to sleep. Closer and closer to the biggest day of his life.

* * *

####  **Mum**

_ Mum (Friday, 07.34): I know what you’re planning on doing today and I just wanted to remind you that if you go through with it we’re done. I do not agree with this. I want you to think about this. There’s no going back. It will be a terrible mistake. _

* * *

####  **get well soon David 😷🤒🏥🥼🍇**

_ Markus change the name of the group to “get well soon David  _ 😷🤒🏥🥼🍇 _ ” _

_ Markus (Friday, 10.13): GOOD LUCK TODAY DAVID _

_ Markus (10.15): You’re going to be fine but good luck _

_ Markus (10.16): Let us know when we can visit _

_ Finn (10.19): Yeah we wanna see you as soon as possible _

_ Emil (10.21): Thinking of you David _

_ Emil (10.25): It’s going to go great _

_ David (10.27): Thanks guys you’re the greatest _

* * *

####  **ok.cool**

_ Abdi (Friday, 11.19): David it’s your surgery today _

_ Abdi (11.19): Are you excited? _

_ Abdi (11.20): Or scared? _

_ Abdi (11.21): Or both _

_ David (11.25): Bit of both _

_ Jonas (11.29): Good luck today David _

_ David (11.35): Thanks Jonas _

_ Carlos (11.41): I have a question  _ 🤔

_ Jonas (11.42): No _

_ David (11.42): No _

_ Matteo (11.43): No _

_ Carlos (11.44): LUIGI  _ 😃

_ Matteo (11.45): I'm not here _

_ Jonas (11.47): You two kissed and made up yet?  _ 😘

_ David (11.48): Getting there _

_ Carlos (11.50): We miss you Luigi  _

_ Abdi (11.52): Come back to us  _

_ Abdi (11.53): He’s gone offline _

_ Abdi (11.53): Rude _

_ David (11.54): Leave him be _

_ Carlos (11.55): Good luck today David  _ 🤞

_ Carlos (11.56): Wow this time tomorrow you’ll be all done _

_ David (11.57): I know _

_ David (11.58): I can’t believe it I can’t believe it’s finally here _

_ Jonas (12.03): Well it is _

_ Jonas (12.04): You deserve this David _

_ David (12.05): Thanks Jonas _

_ David (12.06): Thanks all of you _

_ Carlos (12.09): See you soon yeah? _

_ David (12.12): Really soon _

* * *

####  **Tay**

_ Tay (Friday, 12.02): It’s finally here the big day _

_ David (12.04): Finally _

_ David (12.07): Tay I’m bouncing _

_ Tay (12.15): Where are you? _

_ David (12.18): At home still got like two hours to go before we leave _

_ David (12.20): I’m annoying laura _

_ David (12.22): But I’m restless _

_ David (12.23): I'm so fucking excited _

_ Tay (12.25): I’m so happy for you _

_ David (12.26): Also I spoke to Matteo last night _

_ Tay (12.27): Oh _

_ Tay (12.27): So what are we excited about? _

_ David (12.29): Both _

_ Tay (12.31): So you’re both ok now then? _

_ David (12.34): No not at all _

_ David (12.35): Or he isn’t but I think he's ready to let me in _

_ David (12.36): I called him last night because I missed him and he finally answered and we just talked for hours _

_ Tay (12.37): About what _

_ David (12.39): Nothing _

_ David (12.41): Just day to day shit you know, he was trying to help me sleep but I just missed him so I stayed awake way longer than I should have. I was like so close to sleep I was almost delirious but I just couldn’t let him go _

_ Tay (12.43): Aw you two are the sweetest _

_ David (12.45): My mum text me _

_ Tay (12.46): Saying? _

_ David (12.50): Nothing good _

_ Tay (12.51): Ignore her _

_ David (12.52): I will _

_ David (12.53): Nothing is going to ruin today for me _

_ Tay (12.54): You got this David _

* * *

####  **Dad**

_ Dad (Friday, 14.56): Good luck with your surgery today David _

_ Dad (14.59): I know I’m giving you space but I couldn’t let you go to the hospital without letting you know I’m thinking of you. I care about you David, I really do. I hope it all goes well for you today and that you get exactly what it is you’re hoping for. _

_ Dad (15.01): I love you David _

_ David (15.04): Thanks dad _

_ David (15.05): I love you too. I still need space from you but thank you for that _

_ Dad (15.10): Laura will let me know how it goes, but when you’re feeling up to it can we please talk soon? _

_ David (15.13): ok _

_ Dad (15.15): And we need to sort out your new apartment _

_ David (15.17): I don’t think that’s going ahead now, it was maybe a bit of a rush _

_ Dad (15.18): Is everything ok David? _

_ David (15.22): I don’t really want to talk relationships with you _

_ Dad (15.28): I understand that _

_ Dad (15.29): I can’t imagine me and your mother provided you with any good examples of how to navigate a relationship  _

_ David (15.41): Matteo is having some problems and I put too much pressure on him to move in  _

_ David (15.42): but we are working through it, you know talking to each other rather than ignoring the problem _

_ Dad (15.45): that was very pointed David but accurate  _

_ Dad (15.47): Whenever you need it I’ll help you both with the apartment _

_ David (15.49): Thank you I appreciate it _

_ Dad (15.52): Take care of yourself David, take it easy and I wish you a swift recovery _

_ David (15.55): Thanks dad _

* * *

####  **Schreibner is a third wheel**

_ Leonie (Friday, 15.31): David good luck from me and Sara, we love you and you’re going to be fine. You are going to be so great, everything is going to be brilliant and we'll see you soon  _

_ David (16.01): So that’s it? You’re not even going to send me separate messages?  _

_ David (16.02): I see how it is _

_ Leonie (16.04): We’re together _

_ Leonie (16.05): Why would we bother?  _

_ Leonie (16.06): Sara’s phone is in the kitchen and we’re too cosy on the sofa to go get it _

_ Leonie (16.07): We’re making out _

_ Leonie (16.08): So you know to be honest you’re lucky we’re even taking the time to message you _

_ David (16.10): Wow I feel unloved  _

_ Leonie (16.12): Just kidding _

_ Leonie (16.15): We love you _

_ Leonie (16.16): And we know it’s going to go well _

_ Leonie (16.17): And we're so proud of you _

_ Leonie (16.19): And so excited for you _

_ David (16.21): Thanks  _

_ David (16.22): Thank you both of you _

_ David (16.23): You’re my best friends  _

_ David (16.25): I love you so much _

* * *

####  **Gay movie nerds and Peter**

_ Lucy (Friday, 16.30): God you guys suck _

_ Lucy (16.32): I’ve been at work all day and my phone was out of charge _

_ Lucy (16.33): But good luck today David _

_ Chloe (16.35): Oh my god it's TODAY _

_ Lucy (16.37): You are terrible friends _

_ David (16.39): it's fine I mean you are literally the last ones to text me, I'm on my way to the hospital right now  _

_ Chloe (16.42): I didn't forget, I didn’t realise it was Friday today _

_ Chloe (16.44): Shit I missed class _

_ Chloe (16.45): I was at a party last night _

_ Peter (16.46): Who parties on a Thursday?  _

_ Lucy (16.47): Who forgets their friend is having surgery?  _

_ Peter (16.49): Touche _

_ Peter (16.51): Sorry David I did forget but I do care _

_ Peter (16.52): Good luck today _

_ Chloe (16.55): Yeah good luck _

_ David (16.59): Thanks guys, and don’t worry about it _

_ David (17.02): Chloe I missed writing and editing too because I’m done for now but I can lend you the notes and slides when I get them _

_ Chloe (17.05): You rule David _

_ Chloe (17.07): Now to get film history  _

_ Lucy (17.11): Good luck with that _

_ Lucy (17.12): They're all stuck up in that class and Holt won’t hand out anything _

_ David (17.15): Haha true you’re fucked Chloe  _

_ Chloe (17.16): Oh well it's one day _

_ Chloe (17.18): And it’s more importantly it’s David's day _

_ Lucy (17.19): It is _

_ Peter (17.21): The best day _

_ Chloe (17.22): It’s going to be amazing _

_ Lucy (17.23): It is _

_ Peter (17.24): Good luck David  _

_ Chloe (17.25): We’ll miss you  _

_ David (17.28): I’ll see you all really soon _

* * *

It was time. It was finally here. The moment he’d been waiting for since he was twelve or thirteen. He’d made it. It was finally going to happen.

Well, he still had about twenty minutes till they wheeled him off to theatre. He was lying in bed in his own little room that would become his home for the next few days.

It really was like a hotel. He had a little tv and his own window, even a fridge in the corner with cold drinks. He was supposed to stay in until Tuesday rather than go home tomorrow like he wanted to. But it was all what his dad had paid for, the full package. And it did mean that everything would be done while he was here, that he wouldn’t leave the hospital until his outpatient checks were complete. They would do a full assessment of his healing and his strength. So he could leave with a comprehensive list of what he could and couldn't do. And a timeline, like his own personal healing schedule. 

Once he was home he wouldn’t have to come back for two weeks. He could just relax and recover and not worry about dragging himself back to the hospital. It made sense. He was being looked after, he shouldn’t complain. His dad really had gotten him the five-star treatment. 

But he just knew he was going to be bored here immediately.

Laura was with him in his room and she would stay with him until she wasn’t allowed anymore. She’d cried at least five times today. Spent the day fussing over him. David hadn’t cried at all. He was too happy. 

But he felt clingy too, was holding her hand tightly. He wasn’t afraid, he knew it was going to be ok and yet he couldn’t let go of her. This was a big deal and he felt a little nervous, intimidated like he was a kid again. This was such a serious undertaking, and even though it was what he wanted, even though he was ready for it, he felt overwhelmed.

Laura got it though, allowed him to cling to her, kept talking away about everything from classes to job interviews to her nights out with her friends just to distract him. It worked too, had kept him calm.

It helped that the nurses had been so nice to him. Called him charming and sweet. Promised him the good food when he woke up.

Laura had told him to stop flirting with them.

He’d had so many messages from everyone. Everyone cared so much, he felt so loved and wanted like he’d never felt before. He felt like he had somewhere he truly belonged. Couldn’t believe his original plan of just going it alone, going through uni not talking to anyone. How miserable would he have been if he hadn’t taken that chance?

Matteo hadn't texted him. But he surprisingly wasn’t worried. He and Matteo would be fine. They’d had a long chat last night, and they were close to being on the same page again. Once this was over he would track him down and then they would talk in person. David was not going to let Matteo go through whatever this was alone.

Suddenly Laura pulled her hand free, stood up and walked out of the room, phone in hand. She didn’t even say anything. David glanced around the room. Why would she leave now? There were only twenty minutes until he went in. Why would she leave him? He tried not to panic but without her there he was scared. She wouldn’t miss it would she? Wouldn’t let him go off to theatre without her.

He looked around again. He couldn’t really get up. He was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to leave this room until they came for him. He couldn’t go after her. Where had she gone?

He guessed he was doing this alone then. He tried to ignore the sickly feeling in his stomach that he knew was just nerves.

Five minutes later she came back in, Matteo by her side.

David just stared at him. He was in a sorry state, he looked like he hadn’t stopped crying since he left or slept at all. His eyes were red and bloodshot. Puffy with dark circles beneath them. David didn’t know if he’d been smoking or it was just from the tears. Quite possibly both. His hair was lank and unwashed, hanging limp around his face, swept forward to try and hide his eyes but it didn’t work. He could see him. He was a mess essentially. And he just stood there. Trembling and shaking until David couldn’t stand it any longer. He got up from the bed and went over and pulled him into his arms.

They only had fifteen minutes left now but it was enough.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo whispered, leaning his head on David’s shoulder.

David squeezed him tight and Matteo sank into him, letting him take his weight, clearly close to collapse.

“None of that now you dumbass,” David said gently, just glad he got one last hug before the operation. “Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m gonna go get this done, get them gone finally, and then I’m going to come back through. Probably loopy. But you can stay here with Laura. You’re both allowed to for tonight, we already requested it. Then when I wake up you and I are gonna have a talk,” he said.

Matteo stiffened in his arms and started to shake again; he pulled back and stared at him wide-eyed. He was so afraid.

David just stroked his hair out of his face and sighed.

“Nothing bad Matteo, we’re going to be ok. I promise,” he insisted, “but we need to talk, and we can’t put this off, we need to talk so you stop torturing yourself with this ok? I’m not dragging it out any more, we need to settle this so that you’re ok,” he said, stroking his face.

“I’m scared,” Matteo said, voice trembling, “I’m scared and I feel sick, I haven't slept in forever, my stomach hurts and I can’t breathe and I can’t do this anymore, I can’t… I’m so fucking sorry,” he said.

David leant forward, resting his forehead against Matteo’s, just standing there swaying with him. Rocking him, running his hands up and down his arms.

“Do you trust me?” David asked quietly.

Matteo nodded.

“It’s going to be ok,” David assured him. “I promise you it’s going to be ok, you don’t have to do this alone Matteo, let me help you,” he said.

Matteo didn’t say anything, just clung to David’s stupid hospital gown desperately afraid. He was still fighting his mind David knew, but hopefully, his words provided some comfort to him.

"I hurt you, why aren't you angry?" Matteo said, "I ruined everything, I left you alone when you needed me," he said, staring down at the ground. 

David reached out and placed a hand under his chin, lifting his face so carefully. Matteo's eyes fell closed rather than look at him, but he stayed there face pressed against David's. David could feel tears on his cheeks and he wasn't sure whose they were. 

"This week was one of the worst experiences of my life," he admitted quietly. 

Matteo's breath hitched but he just nodded against him. 

"But I'm not angry at you, what good would it do? You made a mistake, you believed what you were doing was for the best. It was so stupid but I know you and I know how you think and even though it was awful, I did understand what you were doing ok?" 

Matteo finally opened his eyes, finally looked at him. David smiled at him. He didn't return it but he seemed a little calmer at least. 

"Nothing is ruined," David promised, "we are not over. And we never were, I knew you would come back to me. I was never going to let you go, I was always going to get you back. And you're back now exactly when I needed you the most. But even though you went about it completely the wrong way you did need space didn't you? While you figured things out?"

Matteo nodded and his hair fell forward over his face. David stroked it back again wanting to look at him, it had been a whole week. 

"Did you?" David asked, already pretty sure of the answer. 

"No. I can't, I just…"

"Let me help you? I don't know what I'm doing either but can't we just work it out together? Let me in Matteo, let me help you, you don't have to do this alone. Ever. Matteo, I am here for you always," David promised. 

Matteo just nodded, he was still crying but they would be ok. 

David took his hand and led him back to the bed. He laid down and Matteo sat on the chair beside it, still clinging to his hand.

Laura sat down next to him and smiled. She reached over and squeezed his shoulder. Matteo just stared at her nervously. 

"It's going to be ok," David said and he had never been surer of anything. 

"It's going to be perfect," Laura said. 

They just sat together quietly until the nurse popped her head round the door and told him he had about two minutes. Her name was Klara and she'd been in several times since he'd gotten there, she'd been at his appointments too. David liked her, she was very abrupt but somehow gentle when it mattered. 

"It's lucky you showed up Matteo," Laura said, "David has been flirting with her all evening," she told him. 

Matteo smiled weakly. 

"I was not," David huffed. 

"You are a bit of a flirt," Matteo said quietly. 

No, he wasn't, how dare he? David flicked his ears but that just made him smile a little more. 

"You would be though, if you were more confident with people, trusted them more," Matteo said. 

"Well, you better all watch out then because when this is done I'm gonna be so confident you won't even recognise me," David said. 

"It looks good on you, I can't wait," Matteo said. 

Laura just smiled. 

Klara came back into the room. There were two porters with her now, ready to wheel him away.

“It’s time,” she said gently.

David nodded then glanced at Laura and Matteo beside him. His family. Laura was crying now and Matteo was the calm one. He squeezed David's hand one last time and then let go, taking hold of Laura's instead. 

“See you on the other side,” David said, smiling nervously at them.

Laura sniffled and nodded. 

"I love you, you're going to be fine," she said. 

"I love you too," David said. 

"I'll look after her," Matteo whispered. 

Laura huffed. 

"I'll look after him," she insisted. 

"Look after each other," David said, "Matteo, I love you so much, so much do you even know? You couldn't even quantify it, you are everything to me ok? I love you and I'll see you soon, and everything is going to be ok," he said. 

"I love you too David, more than anything. I love you." 

David nodded to the porters and they clicked the brakes off and began to wheel him away. 

"Oh that got me all emotional," Nurse Klara said as they wheeled him down the corridor. 

"It was pretty sweet," one of the porters, a burly older man, said. 

They pushed him into the room and then Dr Straken was beside him. 

"Hello David, did you miss me?" she asked. 

David just grinned. 

On his other side Nurse Klara was doing something with his hand.

“Sharp scratch,” she said gently.

It didn’t hurt too badly, he was used to needles at this point. Another doctor approached them.

"This is Berto, Dr Fernandez he's going to give you the good stuff. He'll count you down and I will see you again in the morning," Dr Straken said. 

She didn't wait for a reply, but David could only nod anyway. He couldn't speak. She’d already talked him through it in his room earlier, he knew what was going on. He was ready.

"Hi David," Dr Fernandez said, "feeling good?" 

David nodded again. 

“Ok you’re getting the anaesthetic now, you should start to feel sleepy ok? I want you to start counting down from ten for me, slowly ok?” Dr Fernandez said gently.

David nodded.

“Ten,” he whispered, “nine… eight… seven…”

Everything faded away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up next - revelations, recovery, shitty apartments, healing for both boys 
> 
> [moodboard for this chapter can be found here!](http://youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com/post/190950182307/every-version-of-me-dead-and-buried-in-the-yard)


	8. these words are all i have, so i'll just keep dreaming out loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wished he could understand everyone as easily as he did Matteo. He felt like every conversation with his mother blindsided him for a different reason. Now she loved him too and always had? Why did they make it so hard to hate them? Everything was so hard right now, he wasn't strong enough to deal with this. He felt so fragile and unsure right now, it wasn't fair. But he wasn't alone, he had so many people now, who loved him without conditions. Whatever happened he would never be alone again.

Everything was fuzzy. He felt higher than he’d ever felt before. Nothing he’d ever smoked with Matteo had ever made him feel like this. He felt like he was floating on the ceiling, but then when he looked up at the ceiling he wasn't up there he was in bed. The world had never seemed so bright and colourful. 

Laura was dancing around his bed and somehow standing right by it at the same time. She was talking to him. Asking him questions. She was pointing her phone at him for some reason.

“David!”

He looked around. How was she on both sides of the bed? 

It was so bright yet the only light was coming from a small lamp by his bed. 

“Do you have a twin?” he asked Laura.

He didn’t think she would have kept something like that from him. Not his whole life. She was supposed to tell him everything. 

“What?” she asked, she was frowning at him but her face was all swirly.

Sparkles dancing around it. 

“You’re everywhere I don’t get it,” David said. "How many of you are there?" 

“You’re so high,” Matteo muttered.

David turned his head to his voice. He looked at him, he was in one place, sitting by the bed. His face was less swirly than Laura’s. But there were still lights floating around him too.

“Matteo there are two Laura’s,” David told him, hoping he could explain.

But it made no sense. 

“Are there really?” Matteo asked gently, reaching out to stroke his face. 

All David's worries faded away at his touch. If Laura had a secret twin so be it, they would deal with it later.

Matteo was whispering something David couldn't quite catch, but his voice was low and even, calm, and David felt reassured. Everything was fine. 

“Where did she go?” David asked, looking around. 

“I’m right here,” Laura said.

He looked at her.

“But you’re over there too,” David argued, but now he couldn’t find the other Laura. 

She had been there though, he’d seen her. He definitely had. She'd been dancing. 

“Ok David whatever you say,” she said, she was still holding her phone in his face.

“Matteo is she real?” he asked.

Matteo prodded Laura.

“Yes,” he said confidently.

“Ok,” David said.

That was good then. 

He turned and looked for the other Laura but she’d gone now. Good. He didn't want her anyway, he only wanted the real one. 

“Hey,” Matteo said softly.

David turned back to look at him. It was weird, he couldn’t move at all. Only his head, everything else felt heavy like he was pressed down into the bed as if he were weighted down. It didn’t hurt though. He somehow felt light enough to float away and yet incredibly heavy at the same time. He couldn't quite feel his body like he wasn't real. A vague memory was telling him he should be in pain right now but he wasn't. What was going on? 

"Matteo I can't feel my body," he said, panicking, "somethings gone wrong," he insisted. 

Matteo reached out and squeezed his arm, David could see he was squeezing hard but it felt far away. But he could feel it, which meant his arm was real. 

"It's ok," Matteo said, so gently, "you're on painkillers and the anaesthetic is gonna take a while to wear off," he explained. 

"I don't feel real," David mumbled. 

"It's just the drugs," Matteo assured him. 

“Everything’s a lot, it’s everywhere I’m so dizzy and confused. Matteo I feel weird, I don’t think I like it, all my thoughts are rushing about, but they’re so slow too, I feel like I’m in treacle, it’s so weird Matteo,” David said.

“Close your eyes then yeah? Sleep a bit, let it pass," Matteo said.

“I am tired,” David said.

Suddenly he felt exhausted, like he’d forgotten about it until Matteo reminded him. He closed his eyes.

“I know,” Matteo said softly.

“But I had my surgery?” David asked.

“Yeah it went really well, and the doctor will come see you in the morning. But you’re ok David, you’re good,” he promised. 

“I’m sleepy,” David said.

He couldn’t stay awake much longer.

“I know,” Matteo said gently.

“Laura are you the real one?” David asked.

“I am,” she insisted.

“I love you Laura,” he insisted.

“I love you too David get some sleep,” she said gently.

“Sleepy,” he murmured.

David kept his eyes closed, he felt Matteo stroking his hair out of his face. He felt safe and comfortable. He felt good. Then everything faded away again.

* * *

David must have woken up six or seven times in the night. He could vaguely remember Laura asking him questions and filming him. There was definitely a lot of laughter. But everything was blurry and foggy. He didn’t remember any of his responses but they couldn’t have been very coherent. 

But now his head was clear. He yawned and blinked awake. Carefully he ran his hands over his chest, so gently. It hurt to move but he had to feel it. There was a sharp pain under each arm. He could only move from his elbow down and even that hurt. But he smiled as he ran his hands tentatively up and down. It was good.

He glanced over, Matteo was still there in the chair watching him quietly. David smiled at him and he returned it weakly. Laura wasn’t there.

“She’s gone to get coffee,” Matteo whispered.

David nodded.

“Do you want me to get the doctor? She’s supposed to come by at nine anyway and check on you,” Matteo told him.

“Not right now, I can wait,” David said.

“You can't move too much, you shouldn’t keep doing that,” he said, gesturing to where David’s hands still rested on his chest.

He carefully removed them, resting them by his sides again.

“I know,” he said.

Matteo nodded, looking away, staring up at the ceiling.

David frowned at him. He supposed now was as good a time as any to deal with this.

“What’s going on Matteo?” David asked.

He needed to get straight to the point on this.

He’d waited all week. He didn’t think Matteo was going to run away from him, but he wanted to talk to him about everything that had happened that past week, before Matteo shut down again. Because he would. He would convince himself that this was a mistake again.

“You need to rest,” Matteo argued, looking back at him now, reaching out and smoothing his bedsheets down.

“I’m literally in bed, talk to me, Matteo… please,” David said.

“I can’t,” Matteo whispered.

David knew he was going to have to do this slowly, carefully, question by question. But Matteo would talk, he knew how to get through to him though. He always did.

“Amira says you’ve been going to therapy,” David said gently, “I'm not angry,” he added.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Matteo mumbled, fiddling with the bedsheets.

“Don’t worry about that now. What did they say? I know you don’t want to tell me, if you really can’t, if you’re not ready, that’s fine. But just know that no matter what, nothing changes for us. And I want to help you, be there for you,” David said.

Laura walked back in then, holding two cups of coffee. She passed one to Matteo and drank from the other one. Matteo put his down on the bedside table. She sat down in her chair beside Matteo and grinned at David.

“Where’s mine?” David asked.

“You’re not allowed, only water,” she said, pouring him a glass.

He drank a little and she took it back.

Matteo got up and went to the little fridge in the corner of the room. He pulled out a couple of boxes of fruit; raspberries, chopped apple, melon, and mango. He opened them and put them down on the bed. David watched him fondly, this was so natural to him. He was so thoughtful, so kind and caring. How could he ever think he was a burden?

“Only a little,” Matteo said, “it might make you sick,” he said.

He let Matteo feed him a couple of raspberries and a piece of mango while Laura pulled disgusted faces beside him. They both ignored her. But even that small amount made his stomach turn so he stopped eating.

“It’s the anaesthetic,” Matteo said gently.

“I’m hungry though,” David whined, he hadn’t eaten in hours, he was annoyed.

“Wait a little bit, then you can have some more,” Matteo said, moving the boxes out of the way.

“How are you feeling? Finally coherent?” Laura asked.

“Yeah I'm good,” David said.

“And how do you _feel_?” she asked, watching him carefully.

David lay back and closed his eyes. He let himself feel. He couldn’t feel the difference yet the painkillers were too strong for that. But he wasn’t numb, he could feel was a soreness, sharp pain if he tried to move, a dull ache if he stayed still. But he knew, he looked down and he knew. He ran his hand over his chest again gently, it was worth the pain, just to feel it. It was right. This was right. He was right.

He couldn’t speak, he could feel tears welling in his eyes, a lump in his throat. He glanced at them and they both smiled back. They were so happy for him. They got it. They all just sat there smiling at each other like idiots.

“My therapist thinks I have depression,” Matteo whispered after a while. “Wants me to see a doctor.”

David sighed, he wanted to reach out but he couldn’t lift his arms, couldn’t stretch out to reach him. He was too far away.

“And you broke up because of that?” he asked instead.

He’d suspected that was the case, the reason Matteo thought they had no future.

“Mama has depression, for as long as I can remember,” Matteo reminded him.

What did that have to do with anything? Yes, Matteo's mother had struggled for a long time with her mental health. But she was on track, she was proof that things could get better. Didn’t he see that?

“And she’s doing so well,” David reminded him.

“Now but not before,” Matteo said.

“Ok?”

“And it ruined her marriage,” Matteo said.

And suddenly it all made sense, Matteo wasn’t just worried about becoming his mother. He was worried about David becoming his father. Which was ridiculous. David was nothing like him. Nothing could ever make him leave Matteo. He loved him. He shook his head at how foolish Matteo was being. 

But he got it, it wasn’t Matteo’s fault, not really. The childhood he’d had, the example of marriage his parents had provided him was not a good one. He’d internalized it and dwelled on it for years, of course he’d come to that conclusion. Now it was up to David to convince him that he wasn’t going anywhere. That he was more committed to this than Matteo’s father had been to his mother. That there was no point comparing the two of them, because Matteo’s dad was an asshole.

“So that's it? You think I’ll leave you like your father did? Because you’re depressed? Matteo that’s bullshit-”

“No it isn’t you don’t understand,” Matteo mumbled, rocking in his seat.

“Look Matteo I love you, it’s not the same, I won’t leave you ok? Nothing could make me leave yeah? I’m here, I’m staying,” David said.

“Papa stayed too!” Matteo snapped, “for far longer than he ever should have, he should have left years before he did, don’t you see? You need to leave now!” he said, sitting forward and gripping the bed sheets hard.

Laura placed a gentle hand on his shoulder but he shrugged her off.

“Ok but Matteo I’m not like him? I love you ok? Your dad is not a good man-”

“But he was!” Matteo screamed.

Him and Laura both flinched. David had _never_ heard Matteo so loud.

He stood up from the chair and began to pace. Pulling his clothes, his hair as he got more and more wound up. Laura watched him worriedly. David wanted nothing more than to get up and hug him again. But there was nothing he could do but watch as he spiralled.

“He was kind! He was good! He fucking loved me! I remember it all! Everyone thinks I forgot but I remember how he used to be! When I was little he was really good! He wasn’t mean or cruel! He was so fucking gentle with me! He was so patient! More than anyone else! He was the _only_ one who listened to me! Everyone always talks about how shit he was for leaving but I fucking miss him so much and I feel like I can’t because he abandoned me and what fucking father abandons their own child in the care of a mother who can’t look after them? That makes him an asshole right? But he wasn’t! He wasn’t!"

He took a gasping breath and David just stared. He'd had no idea. 

“It was her! She made him mean! Taking care of her made him mean and cruel! He hated her and it made him hate me! Because it was my fault! She was normal before me-"

“No Matteo-”

“Yes David, I know it all- I know it was me. He told me he got drunk and he told me. In the end, he had to be drunk just to be in the house with us. He hated his life. He hated us. It made him mean. Cold. Sad. Cruel. I can’t do that to you don’t you see? I can’t ruin you and ruin your life. It would, it would ruin you,” Matteo insisted, staring at him wide-eyed.

And David was completely thrown. Because he had no idea how to argue with that. Had thought Matteo’s father had always been bad from the start. He had assumed because Matteo never talked about his childhood. So David thought it was all bad. But things were never that simple. And maybe it was just too painful for him to remember the good times. This would be much harder to reason with him over. He didn’t even know what to say.

Right now Matteo was panicking, halfway to a meltdown and there was nothing David could do but watch him spiral. 

Thankfully Laura was there. She stood up and approached Matteo slowly, hands held out. Matteo grabbed them tight, knuckles white. Laura didn’t even flinch. He tried to calm down, tried to ease his breathing, each breath a shuddery gulp. 

He stared at her wide-eyed, still panicking. So Laura stepped closer and when he didn’t step back she pulled him against her and stroked his hair. Rocking him slowly. Soothing him like she used to do for David whenever he got wound up and frustrated. When he would pace the apartment like a caged animal, threatening to smash everything in sight because of school or their parents, or just how fucking unfair his life was. 

When he finally calmed down, stopped shaking, she guided him to the chair, helping him as he all but collapsed into it. 

“I think he passed out,” she whispered.

“I don't think he's slept at all,” David muttered. “Shit.” 

“Yeah,” Laura agreed, looking over at him.

“What do I do?” he asked her, begging her for the answers. 

He felt so lost. 

“Just keep trying. You need to fight the doubts in his head,” Laura said.

“But I don’t know how to argue with that, like his reasoning is sound,” David said.

“But he doesn't know what's going to happen in the future. Right now in his mind things are very simple, he is depressed like his mother, and you will leave like his father. Because that's all he knows. You need to remind him it's more complicated than that, you aren't his father and he isn't his mother. You are two completely different people. And he is so strong, I see it every day, remind him of that too. That he has the strength to fight this, that this will not be his life forever, this does not define him," she said, taking a tissue and wiping his eyes because he couldn't. 

The tears were for Matteo's pain, and for Laura's beautiful and insightful words. Her kindness. God she was so good, she just always knew what to say. He loved her so much. He vaguely remembered rambling about it last night but it was true. 

“Ok,” he said, glancing at Matteo.

He would just have to keep fighting him on this.

“But how are you feeling?” she asked. 

“Aside from _that_? Amazing. Light. They’re gone Laura. I feel so much better, like I don't even know yet I haven’t seen but I just know you know? This is better. I’m me now. Properly me. I’m me. Laura, I'm finally me, I know that isn't right but it is to me. It's how I feel.” David said, knowing he was hardly coherent, maybe it was the drugs. 

Or maybe he was just a big mess of emotions. 

“I’m so happy for you,” she said, laughing with tears rolling down her face. 

She was clearly not doing much better on the emotional side. 

David smiled at her. He was so happy. He was content. Then he remembered something else from last night.

“Did you film me?” he demanded.

“Oh my god so much, you were so funny! Even Matteo was laughing,” she said.

David looked over at him fondly. Laura rolled her eyes and sighed. She got up and pushed Matteo’s chair closer to the bed with a huff. Then she grabbed Matteo’s hand and put it on the bed so that David could easily reach and entwine their fingers. It was the closest thing to a hug he was going to get for a while.

* * *

####  **_Amira_ **

_Amira (Saturday, 13.13): David sorry I fucked up the time difference_

_Amira (13.14): I’m sure it went well but how are you doing?_

_Matteo (13.16): Hi it’s Matteo_

_Matteo (13.17): David can’t even hold his phone right now_

_Matteo (13.18): He’s looking at me like he wants to wrestle it from me_

_Matteo (13.19): But he can’t_

_Matteo (13.20): He can move his arms just not close enough to see the screen_

_Matteo (13.21): But he’s good_

_Matteo (13.22): He’s really good_

_Matteo (13.24): He says thank you for messaging him_

_Amira (13.29): Hi Matteo tell David I’m thinking of him and I’ll talk to him soon_

_Matteo (13.33): You could talk to me_

_Amira (13.35): If I wanted to talk to you I would message you_

_Amira (13.36): Glad you’re back though_

_Amira (13.37): You just spend your time with David_

_Amira (13.39): We’ll talk soon_

* * *

The next day when David woke up he was startled to find Matteo's mother sitting in a chair beside her son. She smiled at David and pushed his hair away, out of his face. Matteo was fast asleep beside her, leaning on her shoulder. Since showing up on Friday he'd barely left no matter what him, Laura or the nurses said. Laura was on his other side now. He glanced at her and she shrugged back at him. 

David felt anxious, a bit wary because Julia still didn't know about him. He’d talked about it a few times with Matteo, but he’d never felt ready to tell her. It scared him. Because she didn't have to accept him. She was older and she was devoutly religious. Church every Sunday, prayers before dinner, that sort of thing. 

His own mother had rejected him, why should this woman accept him? In some ways, she was far more likely to disagree with what he’d done. 

With her there, suddenly out of nowhere, he felt blindsided. Because he had no idea what Matteo had told her this past week. No idea what to say to her. 

“Hello David darling, how are you feeling?” she asked, smoothing the sheets down around him. 

“Er…” 

Matteo finally stirred and blinked awake, sitting up. He groaned but didn't say anything. He didn't seem worried or surprised that she was there, just sleepy. 

“Matteo told me you were in the hospital for surgery and that you would be in for a few days,” she said.

That was still too vague. He had no idea what she knew. He tried not to panic but his thoughts were going a mile a minute. What if she was here to say she didn't want him to see Matteo anymore? What would Matteo do? Would he choose him?

“Oh?”

“And he said he couldn't tell me what it was for. But that it was private and personal so I know I’m not to ask... he also said that I couldn't visit and I’m sorry if I’m overstepping but I had to. I had to bring you food, I couldn't stand the idea of you eating hospital food. Eating good food is the quickest way to heal. Although I must say this is possibly the nicest hospital I've ever been in, and I've seen my fair share,” she said. "But really I just had to see for myself that you were ok, sorry if I'm intruding."

Matteo still wasn't saying anything, just staring up at the ceiling, ignoring all of them. But David felt calmer, she was looking at him curiously but not asking and he was relieved. He sank back against the pillows.

“So I'm not going to ask. Matteo has made that clear but I just want to know if you're ok,” she said.

She was a worrier, Matteo’s mum. He understood now why she was there. All she wanted was to see that he was ok. Because she cared. She really cared. She was terrified of hospitals after spending her life in and out of them. But she'd braved it to come and check up on him. 

“Yes I am, I really am,” David assured her, watching as she relaxed. 

“Perfect. Well the cure for any ailment is good food,” she said, picking up a basket and carefully placing it on the bed, “you had surgery? Anaesthetic? How’s your stomach?” she asked.

“It’s ok,” he said.

He’d managed to eat some biscuits and crisps yesterday afternoon. Then last night Matteo disappeared for a while and came back with fresh sandwiches. David had been so hungry by that point he’d stuffed his face. But he’d kept it all down. 

Matteo seemed to wake up a little now, reaching for some bread then slumping back in the chair and picking it apart before eating it.

David grinned at him and helped himself, handing some to Laura. Julia picked up the basket again and handed it to Laura who placed it on the table. 

Julia turned to Matteo.

“So have you calmed down now then?” she asked. 

“Stop it,” Matteo muttered, tossing the bread aside. 

But he kept fidgeting, picking at the plastic of the chair now, getting agitated. 

She pulled his hand away and held his wrist, stilling his movements.

“Matteo,” she warned. 

“I told you already,” he said. 

“You told me you may have depression. You didn't tell me why I wasn't to ever let David in the house again, just that he'd done nothing wrong and I mustn't hate him, but that it was over between you,” she said, glancing over to David with a soft smile.

He knew then that she would have let him back in the house if he had shown up. She'd asked him to stay away but she would have let him in. 

“Well isn't it fucking obvious?” Matteo muttered. 

“Mind your language,” she said calmly. 

She clearly knew exactly how to handle him like this. 

“Sorry,” he said.

“Obvious how?” she asked.

“Well, what's the point?” 

“Of trying? Of working at your relationship? I do have depression, do you think I should just give up on life?” she asked. 

“You didn't really get a choice papa just fucking left,” Matteo said.

“It's not really the same Matteo, David loves you very much. It's not fair if you take that from him,” she said.

“But I don't want to turn him into papa. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to ruin his life and take all that light and make it dark like mine,” Matteo said. "That's what I always do, don't you see?" he said and David's heart broke that he really thought that. 

“Matteo,” she said, so softly, so gently. 

David glanced between the two of them. It was going to be ok. She was going to chase those thoughts away he realised. Whatever she was going to say was going to prove to Matteo that this wasn't all there was. That none of this was his fault and that he could be happy.

She pulled him close and stroked his hair, smiling over at David. He smiled back at her.

David supposed after everything she'd been through, after battling for so long to defeat the demons in her mind, it would probably take a lot more to throw her. 

Plus she knew Matteo better than anyone, knew exactly how to talk to him. Keep him calm while she explained everything. 

“Sweetheart, I'm going to tell you some things and I don't want to upset you but I think it will help you understand things a bit better. I do so wish you'd never got caught up in all this, I wish it hadn’t happened this way,” she admitted. “Were you happy though? When you were little, I hope that you were,” she said.

Matteo looked up at that, looked right at her for the first time that morning. David fought the urge to reach out and take his hand. But he didn’t, knew he shouldn’t take any of Matteo’s focus right now.

“I was,” Matteo mumbled, but it didn’t sound convincing.

He’d told David over and over that his childhood was bad, but then yesterday he’d screamed at them that his father had been good. He very obviously missed him, painfully so. And now David didn’t know what to believe.

Julia sighed sadly, Matteo gripped her arm.

“We were happy, we were a family,” he insisted with more confidence.

“We really were, I promise that was true. I’m telling you this now because I want to explain what happened. Your father and I kept you in the dark about so much, and that wasn’t fair. Some of it you should have never needed to know. But what happened means you do,” Julia said.

“I don’t understand,” Matteo said.

“I know. I’m not being clear. It’s a long story,” she said.

She turned to David.

“I’m sorry to do this here when you’re recovering, but I want him to understand this now, and I think he needs to be near you,” she said.

David nodded, he wanted to hear anyway. He had a feeling if they didn’t do this here, whatever she was going to say was going to be locked away in Matteo’s mind for a long time.

“If he was happy why did he leave us? He left because you were depressed, because he couldn’t be bothered dealing with you. But he tried for a long time, he tried and that just made it worse and he became cold,” Matteo said.

“He was so scared, Matteo,” Julia said.

“Of what?” Matteo demanded, he tried to sit up but she wouldn’t let him go.

“Let me go back to the beginning. When you were born it was the happiest day of our lives, both our lives. I promise. But your father, he was beside himself with joy. I was just exhausted, to be honest, but happy too, I swear. But then we got you home and I became unwell, the pregnancy had been hard and it took its toll,” she explained.

“I know. It was my fault he told me,” Matteo said.

“No I had postnatal depression, it was not your fault, your father should never have said that, no matter what he was going through,” Julia said sternly.

“It-”

“It was not your fault,” she insisted. “But your father was so good back then, he took such good care of you and me, he was so good with you,” she said.

That surprised David, it didn’t sound right, not from what he’d heard. It didn’t match the picture of Matteo’s dad he held in his mind. But then he’d always thought Matteo hated his dad, he was starting to think that was because it was the easiest option for him. Rather than face that he’d left him behind he just hated him because it hurt less.

“Really?” Matteo asked.

“Yes really,” she said.

“I thought so. I always remember it like that, he was kind to us,” Matteo said.

And that must’ve been what he was talking about yesterday.

“Good. That's good. You two were so very close, and he loved you very much. You know you were such a chatty little boy, you would ramble on and shout and sing for hours, so much energy, and he never got fed up with you,” she said.

“Did you?”

“A little, you would give me a lot of headaches, wear me out having me running all over the place after you. Your teachers too. But not your father, you were never too much for him. He did nothing but encourage you no matter if it annoyed anyone else. Darling you were never too much for either of us, please don't ever worry about that, ” she said.

“What changed?”

She was quiet for a long time. David frowned and shifted in his bed, his back was hurting laying there like that. Matteo looked up at him, lips pursed.

“Don’t move too much,” he scolded.

David rolled his eyes.

“I’m uncomfortable,” he muttered. “Also I’m not bed-bound, Dr Straken said I could get up and walk around as much as I can.”

Matteo ignored that but he reached out and picked up the controller for the bed, pressing various buttons until he was more upright, easing the pressure on his back.

“Better?” he asked.

David stared a little stunned. Even now knowing Matteo like he did it still sometimes took him by surprise when he did something like that. The little things that meant so much.

“No?” Matteo asked, frowning at the controller.

“Yes better, thank you,” David said quietly.

“I’ll take you for a walk later,” he said.

“Generous of you,” David teased, but it meant a lot, and he couldn’t hide it in his voice.

Julia smiled at him, knowing exactly what he was thinking. How could Matteo ever think he was a burden? That he wasn’t worth the effort? When every action he took was a kindness to someone else. When he anticipated David’s needs the way he did. He was the easiest person to love, this was never going to be hard for David.

“I don’t know if you remember this. Do you remember how obsessed with birds you used to be?” Julia asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said, rubbing his face.

This conversation was already long for him, delving into his memories, it was taking its toll and David suspected they weren’t even close to done yet.

“You were always chasing them, you even caught a couple once and brought them into the house much to my despair. You never hurt them, always gentle, you just wanted to play,” she said.

David glanced at Laura, she was smiling too. Picturing the same thing he was, he had the most adorable boyfriend.

“One time you ran across the road to catch one do you remember?” she asked, “it was a really busy road,” she said.

She looked so sad, devastated, whatever had happened was not good. David could only begin to imagine when Matteo’s panicked voice cut through his thoughts.

“Papa was mad, he shouted! He… oh… he grabbed me! He hurt me! He shook me! He hit me!” Matteo said, trembling as he remembered, hitting at his shoulders until Julia grabbed his arms

Laura gasped and if David could’ve sat up Matteo would be in his arms right now. David vaguely remembered a similar reaction when he fell out of a tree. His mother hadn’t hit him but she'd shaken him, hard. He’d thought she was angry but she’d been crying, worried, terrified. 

“Yes,” Julia said sadly, “you scared him so much, he shouldn’t have done it but you scared him. He thought you were going to be hit by a car and he freaked out. He shouldn't have hit you or grabbed you like he did, and you hated being held back then, by anyone,” she said.

“I screamed?”

“You screamed and screamed and you wouldn't stop for hours. He brought you home and nothing I did would calm you down, you screamed until you passed out,” she said. “And that shook something in him, he’d never been the reason you screamed before, your teachers, the kids at school, Jonas once or twice, even me a few times. But never with him until that day and I think it broke something,” she said

Matteo shook his head.

“I don’t really remember it anymore but ok? It was… he never did it again?”

“No, but he scared himself so badly. Because he was so scared of becoming like his own father, your reaction scared him so much, he thought you were afraid of him. That wasn’t it, he just overwhelmed you but he was projecting his own fears,” she said.

“But… nonno?”

“Yes, he was a cruel and mean man. Bullied your father his entire childhood,” Julia muttered, “hurt him. He was the reason we never let you visit nonna and nonno by yourself, papa always went with you and you never stayed more than a few weeks at a time,” she shook her head and squeezed Matteo’s hand, “they used to want you for the whole summer, but I wouldn’t allow it, nor would your father.”

“I still don’t understand,” Matteo said, he looked so lost and confused.

David assumed this revelation about his grandfather was a shock to him too. He’d never even mentioned him before. They were being given a lot of information all at once. This would’ve been so much easier if they'd been honest with Matteo from the start.

“Your father was so scared after that, that he stayed away,” Julia said.

Oh. David understood, quicker than Matteo. His father stayed away for fear of hurting him. David saw Laura nodding, she got it too. Matteo was struggling but he was upset and couldn’t process it. God this just made everything that happened even sadder. His father had stayed away so as not to hurt Matteo but only ended up causing pain and damage anyway. More if anything.

“And you got so quiet, without him encouraging you, you got so so quiet. Then I got sick and I couldn’t look after you, couldn’t encourage you like he did. The depression came back worse than before with the paranoia this time. And I needed him. We needed him. But this time he wasn’t strong enough to help me, he was sad and lonely, plagued by his demons. He’d never addressed them before, just moved away with me. We thought it would be enough. But all this drove him to drink, he had a problem. He was sober when we met but he hadn’t been for long,” she said. “He never got the help he needed.”

Matteo nodded because wasn’t that exactly how he was too? When he got lonely he tried to block it all out with weed. His father was staying away but it was hurting him so he turned to drink to ease the pain. And if he’d just stayed, if he’d just not avoided them they would’ve probably been ok. One stupid decision that got so out of control. Neither of them had the help they needed and they struggled through it but in the end, they were destined to fail.

But David understood too. Julia said his own father had bullied him, and physically too, his reaction and fear of hurting Matteo had been so strong. That kind of damage you didn’t just get over. And it affected the choices you made. His greatest fear had been hurting Matteo, and he’d ended up doing it anyway.

“It made him mean, I know you two got into fights and he left because he thought he was just making things worse,” she said.

“No, wait! He left because of me? Because we fought that time? You let me think it was your fault when it was my fault!” he said, getting loud again.

Julia had a tight grip on him again, stopping him from getting up but that wasn’t ok now. He needed to move.

“Let him up,” David said sharply.

Julia looked at him in surprise.

“He needs to walk around, let him up,” David repeated.

She let go of Matteo and he stumbled out of the chair and began to walk around the room.

“No no, it wasn’t your fault, Matteo your father isn’t ok he has his own issues,” she insisted.

He turned round to look at her.

“I- but then how is this any different?” he demanded.

“It’s not, don't you see? By trying so hard not to become his own father, he was still a terrible father to you and a terrible husband to me,” she said.

“No?”

“Yes, he was absent, he was drunk, he was miserable, he wasn’t there for me when I needed him, and he wouldn’t let me help him when it was all I wanted. You will do the same, pushing David away will do the same, you’ll ruin things, you need to let things happen as they do,” she said.

“He left me,” Matteo said, pacing again.

“I'm so sorry, I thought it was better if you thought it was because of me, that was unfair of me,” Julia said.

Matteo suddenly came over and sat back down.

“Is papa ok?” he demanded.

“He’s doing so much better now, he’s stopped drinking, he's working on himself. He misses you so much,” she said.

“He never talks to me,” Matteo said, rubbing his face harshly.

“I know, I'm sorry. He wants to but he’s so afraid. You’re so like him you let your fear overtake you and paralyse you, but giving in to these fears isn’t the right thing. David loves you so much don’t push him away. Let him help you, help him when he needs it, talk to each other, and keep getting help, I know you can be ok,” she said.

David didn’t even know what to say. He felt shaken by the entire conversation and he wasn’t even a part of it. But he’d paid attention and he understood so much more about Matteo now, both in the way he was as a child and how his experiences had shaped him now. Things were clearer now.

He had an idea now of how he needed to deal with this. It wasn’t going to be easy. Matteo was still going to doubt this, still going to struggle. He would struggle with the truth about his father and how it related to him. This was going to take him some time to process and understand. He should have been told from the start, they shouldn’t have kept that from him. He understood why but it was unfair of them. 

It had done damage. But David was there, he wasn’t going anywhere. He would help Matteo however he needed. He felt it had been a mistake to stay away all week, but it allowed Matteo to come to him, to make his own choice. And that was important too. He didn’t think he would leave again, he must understand how much pain it caused both of them. Now David just had to convince Matteo to keep letting him in, letting him help. Make him understand he was not a burden or difficult to be with. That being with him was the easiest decision David had ever made. That it wasn’t even a decision in the end. There was no choice, only Matteo. And they had a future, Matteo was his future.

“Ok,” Matteo mumbled, “but he left me.”

“I know sweetheart, I know,” she said.

“He left _us_ , you were so upset,” Matteo said.

“I was devastated, I told you I love him, I still do, and I miss him terribly. I’ve missed him for a long time. But how I behaved with you when he left, that wasn’t ok,” she said.

Matteo just nodded and now wasn’t the time to get into that but they would come back to it.

“Will he come back?” Matteo asked.

And David watched him sadly, he was still so young. He just wanted his dad back, even now after everything. They were both so young, both in desperate need of good parenting. Neither of them had gotten that and it would probably affect them for the rest of their lives. But they still had time, they could heal.

For Matteo’s sake, David hoped he would come back. 

“I don’t know,” Julia admitted, “he holds on to his guilt that man. He’s staying away. But none of this was your fault, do you understand? I didn’t tell you any of this to hurt you,” she insisted.

“Why did you?” Matteo asked.

“Because I didn’t want you thinking like you were. That you were a burden, that because you might be depressed you’re ruining lives. That you make them darker? That is so far from the truth. Matteo, you are the light of my life, you are my sunshine every day, since the day you were born you have brightened my life. Nothing changes that. I never want you to think any less. But to understand that you needed to know what happened. I wanted you to see, papa didn’t leave because I was depressed, nor did he leave because of you. He left because of himself and his fears. It will be different for you two,” she explained.

“Is it?” Matteo asked doubtfully.

“Yes because David is going into this with his eyes open. He is making a choice. You are making a choice, you are getting help. I have every faith that you can handle this better than we did. You have me and hopefully one day your father again, you have so many friends. You have so much support. Let us help you. And David loves you so much, pushing him away isn’t fair on either of you. You need to give it a chance, ending it on the off chance it goes wrong won’t make either of you happy,” she said.

David relaxed as Matteo started to cry. But it was ok, he was ok. They were ok. 

Julia just held him and stroked his hair again. They were quiet for a while until Matteo calmed down.

“I never wanted to leave,” Matteo said finally.

“I know,” David said.

“I was scared,” Matteo said, refusing to look at any of them.

“I know,” David said gently, wishing he would come closer.

“I’m sorry David,” Matteo said, looking at him now.

“I know Matteo, I know,” David insisted.

“I’m still scared,” Matteo said.

“That's ok, but I think you’re very brave,” David said.

Matteo finally pulled away from his mum and moved closer to David, he reached out and took his hand gripping it tight.

“Do you... are we ok?” he asked, voice choked up, staring at him with wide eyes.

“We will be,” David promised.

“I think I better leave you boys to it, you have a lot to talk about,” she said.

Matteo nodded not looking away from David, still staring at him intently. David knew this look, had been on the receiving end of it many times. No matter what it always made him blush, made him feel warm all over. He’d never felt as seen as when Matteo looked at him.

“David I hope you get well soon. You’re only in for a few days, but if you need more food just call. Matteo, I assume you won’t be coming back home anytime soon?” she asked, standing up.

“Er no... is that ok?” he asked, not even looking at her, continuing to stare at David.

It was like he couldn’t look away and David was held under his gaze. Julia got it though.

“That’s fine,” she said, kissing his head. 

Then she approached the bed and kissed David's cheeks and stroked his hair.

“Feel better,” she said softly.

“I’ll walk you out,” Laura said, standing up too, giving them some space.

“Thank you, darling,” she said.

David watched them leave then turned back to Matteo.

“What kind of surgery did you tell her I was getting by the way?” he asked, giving him time to process what he’d just learnt rather than dwell on it.

He was here now, they had time. There was no need to push this, he would let Matteo digest all this new info slowly and then they would talk. They would keep talking and they would never stop.

“Dunno I was all over the place. I knew not to tell her, but I’m no good at lying, especially when I'm stressed but I told her I had to come to the hospital because you were here and she was worried about you. I just said it was personal that she wasn’t to ask,” Matteo said. “I think I just walked out rather than keep talking.”

David smiled just imagining Matteo walking away midway through a conversation, no wonder his mum had shown up. Matteo just continued to stare at him, wide-eyed and worried.

“It’s ok, you’ve done nothing wrong, she just wanted to come see me,” David said, trying to reassure him.

Yes, he’d been shocked when he’d first woken up to her there but nothing had happened. She hadn’t even asked, even though she must have been so curious. But she didn’t push. And David trusted her. Even now after all he’d learnt about what had gone down in Matteo’s childhood, she was trying her hardest and she loved Matteo so much. She loved him too, she’d faced her fears and come to see him in a hospital, despite her history. Because she cared.

“Yeah, she loves you just wanted to check on you. She worries,” Matteo said.

“I’ll tell her soon I think,” David said, surprising himself.

“Really, there’s no pressure,” Matteo assured him.

He knew that though, but he wanted her to know him. Right now he considered her more of a parent than his own. He didn’t want Matteo keeping secrets from her, even though he knew there was no obligation to tell her anything. 

But he was right there was no pressure there, he would tell her. Maybe next week, maybe not until next year but one day. And the thought made him nervous, but at the same time, he knew it would be fine.

“I told the boys from football by the way, because they’re great and they were totally cool, just whined that I wouldn’t be able to play for a while. That’s all they care about. It was really good to tell them on my own terms, you know now that the Ben thing calmed down, I wasn’t scared anymore,” David said.

“That’s cool,” Matteo mumbled, he was shifting around a lot, arms wrapped around himself.

David frowned at him wanting nothing more than to have him in his arms.

“What's wrong?” David asked.

“Need a hug,” he mumbled, squeezing himself and rocking slightly.

David knew it wasn’t as good. Knew he was still struggling, trying to process what his mother had told him. He needed comfort and there was nothing he could do. David loved hugging Matteo, there was nothing better he’d never felt so safe as he did in his arms. But he knew to Matteo it was on a whole other level. He needed it, couldn’t explain it better than that. David guessed it grounded him, made him feel more present. But whatever it was it made him feel good and David always wanted to give him that. And right now he couldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” David murmured.

“S’ok,” he said.

“But... I want her to know, because… she’s like family now,” David said.

“Yes,” Matteo agreed.

“And I think she’ll be ok,” David continued, he knew Matteo couldn’t tell him all he could do was judge and guess. And reassure him.

“Yeah, she loves you, David. She was so mad when I told her that I'd ended things, especially when I wouldn't tell her why,” Matteo said.

“My mum was supposed to love me so it doesn’t always work out,” David reminded him.

He took Matteo’s hand when he reached out.

“Your mum doesn’t love you,” Matteo said.

“Matteo,” David warned.

“She can’t not really, or she’s just a shitty parent because I guess sometimes it’s more complicated… but no parent should ever prefer their child to be miserable,” Matteo said.

Maybe he was right, his mother was complicated. There were times in his childhood she did seem to love him fiercely, and then others when it seemed she couldn’t care less. He’d assumed she wasn’t a loving person, maybe she did love him and was just terrible at showing it. But they’d deal with that later.

“Would you prefer me to be miserable?” David asked.

Matteo's head snapped up faster than David had ever seen.

“What? No!” he said

“That's what I am you know, when you left I was miserable. I love you, Matteo, I want to be with you. I want to take care of you when you need me to. If you take that choice away from me, it's not fair. If you want to break up because you don’t want to be with me that’s fine, there’s nothing I can do about that. But if it’s because of some bullshit like you think that somehow in the future I’ll just stop loving you, which is fucking impossible by the way, then that’s fucking selfish. And I won’t have it,” David said. “Matteo if it is depression then you were depressed long before we met right? Maybe with help, it will go, maybe it never will and we’ll just have to manage it. And I mean _we_. But I love you, I don’t want you to be depressed, I want you to be happy all the time, but I love you no matter what. Ok. I love you, always, you can’t say we don’t have a future. You are my future Matteo,” he said.

“Those are some pretty strong painkillers huh?” Matteo said, trying to brush him off with a joke.

David wasn’t having it. He was dead serious now.

“Matteo,” David warned.

Matteo hung his head.

“I know. And I'm sorry. I’m so sorry. I reacted badly. I… I should’ve talked to you. I’m sorry,” he said.

“I know and I forgive you. I forgave you straight away. I knew you didn’t mean it, it hurt but I knew it would be ok because it was all over your face that this wasn't at all what you wanted,” David said.

Laura walked back in and sat beside Matteo again.

“I do love your mum Matteo, she’s so good,” she said. “She hates hospitals you know? It was very brave of her to come here. She couldn’t get over this place though, it is a bit over the top, says some people have more money than sense,” she said, grinning at both of them.

Matteo just nodded. Laura sensed she'd interrupted.

“I can come back?” she said quietly.

Matteo looked over at her and shrugged. She looked at David.

“I think stay,” he said.

At this point, Laura cared for Matteo like he was family, if he didn’t mind her being there David wasn’t going to send her away. Plus he was a little scared of Matteo getting wound up again, and not being able to calm him down.

He sighed and took a deep breath.

“I just.. I got so excited about moving in, when I realised it might be ok. That you really did want it, and that maybe you wouldn’t leave. So I told Lea, that’s my therapist. But she started asking all these questions and how I would handle a move so young and how I really struggled with change and this might be too much for me. And would you be able to cope if it affected me negatively? And then I got really stressed because that’s what I’m so scared of and then we were talking about how I was feeling and why I might be feeling this way. And I said I thought maybe I was depressed because sometimes I get so fucking sad and she agreed but I thought maybe she would say no it’s something else. Because I didn’t want that and what about... but no she thinks I’m depressed and now I have to see a doctor. But it’s probably definitely depression and I’m stuck with that now and I just… I thought maybe... and now I’m going to have to go on medication… I’m such a mess... I didn't want you to have to deal with it,” he said, finally stopping to breathe again.

“God you’re so annoying sometimes, I want to hug you so badly right now,” David said.

Matteo was still sitting there, arms wrapped around himself rocking in the chair. Trying to comfort himself because David couldn’t. Laura sighed and moved closer.

“Matteo can I touch you?” she asked.

Matteo shook his head and flinched but then he looked at her, observing her carefully. After a moment he nodded so she reached over and wrapped her arm around his shoulder. Pulling him against her. He stilled instantly and relaxed.

“Ok?” she whispered.

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

“Everything is going to be fine, you’re both going to be fine,” she said, smiling at David.

They were quiet for a while.

“Did you still want to move in?” Matteo asked, voice muffled from where he was pressed against Laura.

“Of course,” David said.

That was all he wanted, nothing had changed.

“Even after…”

Matteo sat up again but stayed close to Laura, still gripping her arm, she gripped back knowing what he needed.

“Nothing will change my mind, but if you do something like that again, I will not let you go ok? Literally the only reason I did was because you blindsided me, and then I had so much going on. As soon as my surgery was done I was going to come over, your mama would have let me in, and I would have dragged you back,” David said.

“How? You can’t even raise your arms right now,” Matteo teased.

David just grinned at him, he was going to be fine.

“Laura would help me,” David said.

“Excuse me?” Laura said.

“Or the boys from football yeah. So be warned,” David said.

“Ok,” Matteo said. “But er… on Friday morning I went to see the apartment, you know the little one you found?”

“The shithole?” Laura asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said, pushing at her.

Laura shoved him back and David could see this was going to escalate. He sat up properly and moved to the edge of the bed, he’d been laying there too long anyway. He was fine to move as long as he was careful. Matteo stopped shoving Laura and turned to him. He didn't tell him off this time, just stood up and moved closer. 

When David patted the bed he climbed up beside him and took his hand.

Were they doing this? Were they really moving in? Matteo still wanted it, he had his doubts and his fears but he still wanted it. He was being brave.

“Ok and?” David asked.

“Er… I probably didn't make a very good impression but I looked round it. It’s pretty much what's described,” Matteo said.

“And?”

“I like it,” Matteo said.

David grinned.

“Me too,” he said.

“David you know dad will pay for something a bit nicer right? You know somewhere liveable,” Laura insisted.

“I like this place though,” Matteo said.

“I do too,” David said.

“But… it’s completely run down,” Laura said.

“And we can do it up, make it ours. I don’t want to take any money from dad. I have to, but I want to take the minimum amount. I want it to be just ours, not some pretentious loft studio or whatever,” David explained.

“God you two are weird,” Laura said.

“Laura, your apartment is horrible outside,” Matteo said.

“But it's nice inside,” Laura countered.

“Well ours will be too,” Matteo said.

David didn’t have time for their arguments right now.

“So we’re doing this? What did they say?” he demanded.

“Oh yeah like if we get all the paperwork done it's fine. Mama will sign for us, like as an adult so that’s fine, moneywise papa pays me rent and food money all together so that probably won’t change,” Matteo said. “I’ll let him know anyway,” he said.

Maybe it would be a good reason for him to reach out. He hoped so.

“Is your mum happy about this? That you will be living in a demolition site?” Laura demanded.

“Yeah she came with me,” Matteo said.

“And she was fine?” Laura asked. 

“She said it was a good first start, it reminded her of her first apartment with papa,” Matteo said. “She said it was very cool, that it had potential and that we would be happy anywhere as long as we were together,” he said.

And wasn’t that all that mattered in the end. David would live anywhere as long as Matteo was with him. Laura shook her head but she couldn’t hide her smile from him.

“I want to inspect it,” she insisted, but at this point, she’d already given in.

Even if she hated it she wasn’t going to push back on it.

“Ok,” David agreed.

She stood up and squeezed Matteo’s shoulders, then placed a kiss to David’s cheek.

“I’m going to go home for a bit, shower and stuff. You two ok?”

David nodded.

“I’ll be back for you later Matteo, you’re not sleeping here again tonight,” she said. 

Matteo pulled a face but didn't argue, they just watched her leave.

“I’m still scared,” Matteo said.

“I know,” David said.

“But I really do want this,” he said.

“There’s nothing I want more than to live with you, Matteo. To make a home with you,”

“I…

David moved his leg so their ankles were looped. Matteo moved as close as he could without pressing against him. Just having him touching made him feel better, Matteo too, he could tell.

“Everything for me has been so unstable for years,” Matteo said, “when I met you… no… after we went on our trip things started to settle. It was really hard without school but I did start to adjust, I tried to make my own routines. And you were there, but Hans and Linn, and Laura too, it was like I had two homes when I’d barely had one before,” he said.

“But that’s good,” David said.

“Yeah but… I started working and that was like the final piece. I had a proper routine again. I was so happy, even though I struggle a bit and get tired, I can deal with that you know? I could do it. Everything was so good and then I just started to think… I could barely remember the last time I felt happy like that. I’m happy with you David I promise but that safe feeling, like content? Like everything really is going to be ok? I’d not had that in so long and then I started doubting everything, because what if you got bored-”

“Matteo-”

“Please wait, please listen… I… I’m not exciting… I’m not cool or fun or sporty like your other friends, and that’s… I really want you to have people like that, they make you so happy. But I got scared that I wasn't enough-”

“Matteo-”

“Please David…”

It was so hard to let him continue like this but he had to listen, had to let him voice it, even if it was the furthest thing from the truth.

“Ok Matteo keep going,” David said.

“Sometimes I just feel like you’re going to do all this wonderful stuff and I’m not going anywhere-”

“No Matteo-”

“Wait please,” Matteo begged.

“Ok ok I’m sorry,” David said, squeezing his hand and running his thumb over his knuckles.

“It’s not just that I’m not going anywhere it’s that I don’t want to? I’m happy now where I am, I know this past week was a mess, but I was happy, I… am happy or I’ll get back to it and I don’t want things to change. I think maybe I could go to school, I really have been thinking about it. But it won’t be anything impressive, I’ll still just be here. And that was last week for me, that combined with the depression thing and I really thought I was doing the right thing and I was saving you from me but you kept sending me messages, you sent me thousands of messages David,” he said, staring at him so surprised.

“Yes Matteo, because I wanted you to know I love you,” David said. 

“You were upset, you were so upset I’d left you and I couldn’t understand it at all, I really thought you’d be relieved,” he said.

David closed his eyes for a second but he stayed calm. 

“It wasn’t your fault, it was nothing you did,” Matteo insisted.

“I know Matteo I know, it’s not yours either ok? I think… we can work on this yeah? Your confidence… but… you do know I love you right?”

Matteo nodded.

“Do you?”

“I do... I just… sometimes it’s really hard to see why,” Matteo said, carefully, so carefully resting his head on David’s shoulder.

“That doesn’t hurt,” David assured him, “And I get that, I do. I feel like that sometimes. A lot actually, when we first started dating, but it passed, it’s almost never now. I hope it will pass for you too. And I love my new friends so much, don’t get me wrong. But there will never be anyone I want to spend time with more than you. Even if we never do anything. I’d be happy to just sit on a park bench for hours with you. Just hang out in our apartment doing nothing. Because spending time with you is my favourite thing in the world. And until you believe me I’ll just have to tell you like a thousand times a day,” David said.

“I’m sorry though,” Matteo mumbled.

“None of that, I forgave you already, we’re fine. We’re gonna move in together,” David reminded him.

“Yeah,” Matteo said, sighing.

It was relief David could hear it. And hope too.

“Excited?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly.

“Scared?”

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“It’s gonna be fine, I promise,” David said.

Matteo’s head was getting heavy on his shoulder, he needed to shift but he had to be so careful with his movements right now. It was starting to ache with how he was holding himself.

“Can you relax?” Matteo asked quietly, sensing his discomfort.

David couldn’t think of any way he could get comfortable right now, save for laying down. But he’d spent the day in bed yesterday. He wasn’t good at resting, being still. Even with Matteo here he felt restless. He’d gotten better at relaxing but just the thought of weeks of stillness was making him itch. He needed to though, he understood the importance of his recovery.

“I need to lay down again,” he admitted.

Matteo nodded and stood up, David carefully laid himself back down. The bed was comfortable, really comfortable, and David felt the dull ache fading again as he relaxed.

“Just rest,” Matteo said, moving his chair as close to the bed as possible then kneeling on it so he was even closer. “I’ll ask about getting a softer chair in here, so you don’t have to be in the bed,” he said, “although you should just lay down and get over it,” he added.

David refused to respond to that.

“I know you hate change but sometimes change is good right?” he asked him, turning his head to face him.

He was still sitting up but the bed was supporting his back, it was more comfortable as he wasn’t tensing to hold himself up. A chair would be good though, he could sit by the window. He might be able to sketch if he was in a chair.

“Yeah like you, that was a good change,” Matteo said.

“It was for me too. You’ve changed me so much Matteo do you even know?” David asked.

“No you're still the same,” Matteo said, frowning at him.

“No, it’s like I’m so much more open, confident with other people, trusting you know? More social, and patient too,” David said.

It was all true, before Matteo he would barely talk to people, even though he wanted to. He’d never let anyone in and now look at him.

“You were already like that,” Matteo argued.

“No.”

“Yeah you hid it a bit but I saw,” Matteo said.

And maybe that was the truth, Matteo had been the first but ever since he’d been unable to shut people out anymore, unable to push them away, and more than that he no longer wanted to.

“You saw through me from the start, no one else did,” David said.

Matteo reached out and threaded their fingers together.

“I won’t leave again,” he said.

“I know,” David said.

“I might want to, I might still think I should…”

“I won’t let you, we’ll talk. I won't ever let you walk away again. If you ever do need space that's fine I get that and-”

Matteo squeezed his hand tighter and shook his head furiously.

“I won't ever, that was the worst thing ever. I don’t ever want to be apart from you again,” he insisted.

And David felt exactly the same, and maybe it wasn’t healthy and maybe they were a little codependent but he didn’t care. And they could spend time apart, they could if they ever had to, but this was completely different. This kind of separation was painful, heartbreaking, and devastating. He never wanted to go through that again.

“Me either I don’t know how I did it before. I don’t remember how to be alone. It’s been what? Ten months? And a day without you I was already lost. I couldn’t sit by myself, I was following Laura around everywhere,” David said.

“I-”

“I don’t think I was ever built to be alone or… I could’ve been, if I hadn’t met you I could have gone on that way, but you showed me everything I was missing. And I don’t know how to go back to that. I never want to. Matteo, there’s no one else, it’s you ok? If you leave me I’ll be lost. I know… I know I’m strong enough, I’ve been through enough hell in my life that I would survive, I would keep living, I would be… ok, but I would never ever be as happy as I am with you,” David said and he knew this was his truth.

“I… oh…”

“Yeah,” David murmured.

“Ok,” Matteo said, looking up at him with that tiny smile of his, the one he wore when he felt hopeful.

“You believe me?

Matteo nodded, his hair flopping over his face. It was getting long now and David wanted to reach out and push it from his face, wanted to see him. But he could see enough of him to see the faint blush spreading across his cheeks, the smile growing ever wider.

“We’re going to be ok,” David said.

There was nothing he was more sure of. They would be ok. Scratch that, they would be more than ok. David wasn’t one for believing in much, but things were so good. That didn’t mean that everything would always be perfect, they might hit hard times again, but they would get through them together. He really did believe they’d gotten all the bad stuff out of the way now. They had the rest of their lives for the fun, the good times. And it might be hard work sometimes but they were going to make it. He trusted in that. He may have been a cynic, may not believe in much. May have gone a long time not daring to hope for anything. But he believed in them.

* * *

####  **_papa_ **

_Matteo (Sunday, 17.18): Hey it’s Matteo your son_

_Matteo (17.19): You might not remember me as you haven’t fucking contacted me in almost two years_

_Matteo (17.21): Mama spoke to me and told me all this stuff, I don’t know if it’s true or what but it doesn’t matter you abandoned me_

_Matteo (17.22): And I’m not ok, right now I’m so far from ok_

_Matteo (17.24): I’m depressed, I have a therapist who thinks I have depression, I’m just a mess basically and it’s all your fault_

_Matteo (17.26): Thought you should know_

* * *

David couldn’t sleep, he felt restless, weirdly drowsy from the painkillers but still somehow alert and unable to sleep. But the drugs plus the surgery meant he couldn’t move either, so he was just laying there, staring up at the ceiling. Wishing for sleep. He’d been like that for hours now. Bored. But he couldn’t move his arms to reach his phone. He could see it, on the nightstand, but he couldn’t reach it. It had to be well after midnight now, probably close to two o’clock.

The door to his room opened and Nurse Klara walked in propping up a half-asleep Matteo, an arm around his waist. David just stared, Matteo went home with Laura hours ago. She’d come to collect him adamant that he wasn’t going to spend another night asleep in the chair. He protested a lot but he left with her in the end. They were going back to hers and he was going to come back quickly in the morning before work. Which was stupid, but David hadn’t argued after seeing the distressed look on his face when he’d suggested Matteo just wait until the afternoon to visit. 

“He belongs to you?” Klara asked.

David smiled, he supposed he did. He liked the sound of that.

“Yeah,” he said.

“I found him asleep in the waiting room around the corner, he shouldn’t really be here at this time of night, it was ok the night of the procedure but usually that’s it,” Klara said. 

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

“I’m presuming that if I try and send him home I’m probably going to find him in the morning on the benches outside,” she said.

“Probably,” David agreed.

“Right then young man, I guess you’ve got yourself an uncomfortable night in a chair,” Klara said.

She pushed him toward the chairs by the bed.

“He can sleep anywhere,” David said, watching Matteo stumble toward his bed and collapse into the chair beside it, “thank you,” he said to Klara.

She just smiled at him and left.

“Matteo,” David said, he was trying to sound stern but he knew that he just sounded fond, he couldn’t help it.

“I just wanted to be closer,” Matteo mumbled.

David sighed.

“She was nice to me, the nurse, she got me a hot chocolate before she brought me in here, told me I was very sweet,” Matteo said, laying his head on the bed near David’s shoulder.

“You are very sweet,” David agreed.

“Maybe she’ll let me stay tomorrow too,” Matteo said hopefully.

“Tonight you mean? She probably will, but I’m coming home on Tuesday anyway,” David reminded him.

Matteo looked up at him.

“I know I got your room ready,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“Like made it extra comfortable, loads of pillows, everything in reach, that kind of thing,” Matteo said.

Suddenly he looked up, frowning.

“What?” David asked, concerned.

Matteo just stared for a moment, still frowning, then slowly reached out and ran a finger under David’s nose over the clear plastic ring. David started laughing. He couldn't help it.

“You only just noticed?”

Matteo nodded sleepily.

“I had to take it out, it’s the rules, something about metal and burns,” David said.

“In case they had to shock you?” Matteo asked.

“Maybe,” David said, he didn’t really know had just happily switched it over to the plastic ring he had. 

“Where’s the silver one?” Matteo said, head back down near the pillow.

He could not be comfortable stretched out like he was, hunched over the bed, half hanging out of the chair. 

“Laura has it,” David said, “I’ll swap it back later,” he told him.

“Good, I like it, the silver one,” he said, eyes drifting shut.

He was mumbling now, close to sleep, and David felt it too. Now that Matteo was beside him he felt himself drifting, closer and closer to sleep. He carefully, so carefully reached out and tangled his fingers in Matteo’s hair, then he closed his eyes and let himself fall asleep.

* * *

####  **_Laura_ **

_Laura (Monday, 07.23): So imagine my surprise when I come to wake you up ready to go to the hospital and you're not there_

_Laura (07.24): Are you at the hospital?_

_Matteo (07.33): Yeah_

_Laura (07.35): Why didn't you wait for me? What time did you leave?_

_Laura (07.41): Matteo?_

_Matteo (07.45): Like one maybe?_

_Laura (07.48): Are you fucking kidding me? Matteo!_

_Matteo (07.49): Don’t be mad_

_Laura (07.51): You have work today_

_Matteo (07.52): I’m fine I slept_

_Laura (07.55): Ok I’m on my way_

_Matteo (08.01): See you soon_

* * *

David was already bored with the hospital. He was supposed to stay in there until tomorrow. But he was sure that it was just so the hospital could make more money out of him. Or his dad anyway. He knew he would be much more comfortable at home. He’d explained this to Laura several times now. She’d said tough and wouldn’t take him.

He’d tried to convince Matteo that they should just sneak him home, that between the two of them they could easily make a break for it. He’d been worse than Laura, just gaped at him for a full minute then furiously shaken his head. He’d threatened to get a doctor, have him sedated so that he couldn’t get up. 

That had been earlier. He’d gone back to work now, at Ingrid’s, after staying the night again. Somehow he hadn’t fallen off the chair. When David woke up that morning he was in the exact same position hunched over the edge of the bed, the only thing that had changed was that he had a tight grip on David’s shirt. They’d had breakfast together and then he’d had to rush off. He would be back later and was probably staying. There was no point fighting him, he wouldn’t sleep if he left anyway. Laura had joined them just as Matteo was leaving, she’d not been happy about Matteo’s midnight disappearing act.

But for now, David was lonely and bored. He had his laptop, but he couldn't hold it properly, comfortably. He was achy and sore and fed up of being still. He wanted up.

He wondered if he could just call a cab and sneak out.

But then the door to the room swung open and his mother walked in. He knew he should’ve gotten out of there sooner. When they moved maybe he wouldn't tell her their new address. That way she couldn't just keep showing up in his life. He wished he was strong enough to do that, cut her out completely. But even now he couldn't. Even now when she was here to have a go at him he was almost happy to see her. He hated that. 

“So you went ahead with it?” she demanded, striding over to the bed.

“I did,” David said, staring at her.

She stood by the bed, refusing to sit down, glaring at him.

“And did it make you happy?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said.

She continued to glare at him. 

“Why can’t you just let me be happy? What difference does it make to you?” he asked her.

“It’s wrong,” she insisted.

She glanced around the room and then back to him with a frown. She stared at him like she was trying to figure him out, he knew what she was trying to do. She was trying to reconcile what she saw before her with the vision of the daughter she wanted.

“But I'm not hurting anyone, this is who I am,” David said.

“I can’t accept that but… I'm giving up,” she said.

She finally sat down in the chair beside the bed. David finally looked at her properly.

She looked tired, exhausted actually. She was always very well put together, but as David looked at her, really looked he noticed the cracks were beginning to show. Her hair wasn’t as neat, makeup smudged like she hadn’t checked it. This was not the woman he was used to. He had never been afraid of her, but he’d always found her formidable, strong, and despite himself impressive. Until now.

“Giving up?” David asked.

“I’m not going to fight you on this anymore. If this is the life you’re choosing then I am going to let it happen, I want nothing to do with it, but I won't stop you,” she told him.

“You couldn’t stop me anyway,” David said.

Despite the fact he wanted her to love him there was never anything she could've done to convince him to change his mind. There was no choice for him, he wished she would understand. 

“I guess that’s true,” she said with a sigh, "you're so stubborn," she said. 

"I am," David said, "but this wasn't stubbornness, I _needed_ this, for me this was _essential._ It wasn't a whim, it wasn't something I just fancied doing. It wasn't cosmetic mum for me it was life-saving surgery. It's not about how it looks even, it was the removal of a part of me I should have never had. And I know it was right, I know, I can feel it, there is nothing but relief. I don't regret anything. Even if I lose you I won't regret this," he said. 

She just stared at him and for a second he thought maybe she was starting to understand. Then she shook her head. She ran a hand through her hair, causing more of it to fall out of place.

“So that’s it then?” David asked.

Was she really going to do this? Just walk away from him? He should be relieved really, that she wouldn't give him grief anymore. He knew that but he felt like crying he didn't want her to leave him behind. Why couldn't she just love him? 

“I guess so,” she said, but she sounded unsure. 

David didn’t know her well enough to read the emotions on her face but he was sure she looked just as sad as he felt.

“You’re just going to have nothing to do with me?”

“Oh don’t start that! You don’t want anything to do with me. You’ll be happy to know your father is divorcing me, you win,” she said.

David just stared. That wasn’t what he wanted, he’d never asked for that. For any of this. Why couldn't they just be decent parents and stop dragging him into the mess that was their marriage? 

“That isn’t my fault,” he said.

She laughed coldly.

“Oh but it is,” she said, “he is choosing you.”

“What do you mean?” David asked.

“He told me I have to accept that this is who you are, or it’s over,” she explained.

“Oh,” David said quietly.

“Just what you wanted,” she said.

It wasn’t, not like this. He wanted his father to accept him, he wanted his mother to accept him. But he didn’t want this. Didn’t want them using him in whatever games they were playing. Didn’t want any part of whatever this was.

“But… you don’t love him anyway, any of us,” David said.

She stood up and for a second David thought she would slap him.

“How dare you!” she spat.

“You don’t though, you’ve never shown any interest in my life, even before you disowned me. You never came to school things or my football games, I barely ever saw you. You've never once shown me any affection. You were always busy. Did you even want us?” he demanded.

“No,” she said quietly.

David winced he couldn’t help it, even though he'd always known it was true.

“Exactly,” he said.

“I… your father was going to leave me,” she admitted, sitting back down.

“Jesus,” David said.

How fucking selfish could two people be? Because it wasn't just her it was both of them. 

“So I had Laura and he stayed, and then I had to have you to keep him. You know he’s been cheating on me the entirety of our marriage? That fucking receptionist,” she said.

“The lady he works with?” David asked, finally putting two and two together. 

Now he understood why she was so patient with him. He wondered if Laura knew. 

“Oh you know her do you?” his mum demanded. 

“I met her a few weeks ago, she seems nice,” David said.

“Fuck you, David!” 

David stared. That was the first time she’d ever used his name, fitting that it was probably also the first time he’d ever heard her curse. She was no longer the cold and composed woman he knew. 

David liked her when she was angry, always had. It was the only time she ever showed emotion. He loved it. It was why he’d always tried to push her buttons as a child, wind her up. Because it always felt to him that if she truly didn’t care about him, he wouldn’t be able to upset her like he did.

“But why did you stay with him?”

“Because where else would I go? I left my family for him,” she said. "I gave up everything for him."

He’d never known her to sound so weary. He was starting to realise she wasn't nearly as strong as he thought she was. He'd always thought that she was in charge but she was trapped there with him because she didn't know how to be alone? Or she was too proud to go back to her family or Mel. 

“Because you loved him?” he asked.

“Marriage for love is a foolish notion David,” she said dryly.

“That's a sad way of looking at things,” he said.

“You wouldn’t understand you’re just a child,” she said.

He wasn't, not for a long time now. 

“I'm your child,” he reminded her. “And _I'm_ in love, I have been for a while, his name is Matteo and one day I will marry him, for love.”

She just rolled her eyes but there was an almost smile there too. 

“Were you always so cold?” he asked.

“No,” she said.

“You married dad because he was rich,” David said.

“No I loved him,” she admitted. “But it was never enough, his parents couldn’t stand me. He never once defended me, you know, all those awful things they said about me, he never once stood up for me,” she said.

“Oh,” David said.

What else could he say to that?

“And over time all the things I loved about him became things I hated,” she said. 

Well, that wasn’t David or Laura’s fault. If they hadn’t put in the work, if they hadn’t fought to resolve their issues they could hardly blame their kids.

“Did he love you?” David asked.

“Maybe at first, not for a long time now, not since long before you two came along. He loves the two of you though,” she said, like it was a bad thing.

“Is that why you hate us?” David asked her.

“I don’t hate you, either of you,” she said.

“You resent us then?” he asked.

“Yes, a bit, ” she admitted, "I'm so damn lonely David," she said. 

How was any of this his fault? She was an adult, she'd made her own choices. Taking it out on him was just shitty. But yet he felt angry on her behalf, that his dad had been so terrible too. What a mess, he should be relieved she was walking away. That he no longer had to be a part of that. 

“But that’s not fair,” David said.

“I know, but life’s not fair David,” she said.

"Couldn't you go back to them now? Your family?" he asked. 

He didn't want her to be alone, despite himself. 

He'd never met them, his other grandparents or his uncle. His mum never mentioned them in a positive light, and he always assumed it was because she thought them beneath her now, like she did with Mel. 

His mother laughed. 

"To them?" 

"Too common for you now?" David asked. 

She frowned at him and shook her head slowly. 

"No? They're racist assholes, told me that if I ever married your father not to bother coming back. I couldn't ever let them near you or Laura, didn't want you to even be exposed to that shit," she said. 

That threw him. He had never heard her speak like this, the bad language, defending him. Like she cared. 

"What about Mel then? She misses you," David told her. 

"She does?" 

"Yes," he insisted. 

"Well it doesn't matter, she's on your side now," she said, standing and fastening her coat. 

She was so damn stubborn, more than him even. 

“So that’s it, you're just going to walk away?” he asked.

“I won't have anything to do with this. It’s not right, and I don't agree,” she said, moving toward the door.

“But you won’t even try to understand,” he said, "That makes you just like them, your parents," he said.

He wasn’t sure why he was still having this argument again. Over and over. Never getting anywhere. She looked like he'd slapped her, eyes wide, shaking. She shook her head furiously. 

"No… it's not the same…" she whispered, "I can’t David,” she said.

But she was using his name. Even if it was unconscious. Even if she wasn’t aware of it. She'd called him his name the entire time she was here. She'd gotten used to it, recognised it as the truth. There was some level of acceptance there. Because she’d never used it before.

She made to leave.

“Mum,” he said quietly.

She turned back, looking devastatingly tired.

“If you ever, if you ever can understand this... then I'll forgive you. When you’re sorry I'll try to forgive you,” he said. 

She nodded and left.

He fell back heavily against the pillows and closed his eyes. He was sad, devastatingly sad. He didn't even know what he wanted from her anymore. He just wanted a mum and a dad who loved him. 

* * *

####  **_papa_ **

_Matteo (Monday, 15.13): I’m sorry I didn't mean that_

_Matteo (15.14): It’s not your fault_

_Matteo (15.16): I was a bit stressed yesterday_

_Matteo (15.17): I was sad and it made me angry_

_Matteo (15.18): I’m calmer now_

_Matteo (15.19): I didn’t mean to scare you_

_Matteo (15.20): It’s not like it was with mama_

_Matteo (15.21): I’m getting help_

_Matteo (15.21): And David my boyfriend is really good_

_Matteo (15.22): I think I’m going to be ok_

_Matteo (15.23): I’m scared_

_Matteo (15.24): Like all the time_

_Matteo (15.25): But I think maybe I’ll be ok_

* * *

####  **_Dad_ **

_Dad (Monday, 16.21): David hello. Laura is updating me but I just thought I’d check-in. How are you doing?_

_David (16.18): I’m good but it’s hard to text, it hurts a little_

_Dad (16.19): I won’t keep you_

_David (16.25): No it’s ok I’m sat up_

_Dad (16.27): How are you then? How did it go?_

_David (16.31): I’m really good I’ll see tomorrow before I leave, I’m excited_

_Dad (16.32): That’s good that's so good David_

_David (16.51): I’m getting tired, I’m too tired to say everything I want to but mum was here earlier, told me all about your affair and your divorce. I’m really angry that I’m being dragged into this, it isn’t fair. It’s not my fault that you are shitty people and I shouldn’t have to go through all this, I’m trying to move forward with my life, I can’t have either of you dragging me back_

_David (16.55): Just please keep me out of it_

_Dad (16.59): I am so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen_

_David (17.06): I don’t want to know_

_David (17.11) Oh but it's back on with Matteo we are going to move in. We’ve found a place, Laura and Matteo are sorting out the details are you still ok for rent?_

_Dad (17.13): That’s fine David and maybe when you're settled I could come visit. I think we have a lot to talk about_

_David (17.16): Maybe_

_Dad (17.18): Get well soon David_

* * *

He was finally home. Laura and Matteo had brought him back to the apartment, dumped him on the sofa and gone straight back out to meet Jonas at their potential new apartment to look round. They were running late because the paperwork at the hospital had taken longer than expected. So many forms to fill in, and all the details of his dad’s insurance to work out. Laura had handled it while Matteo had spun him around in a wheelchair he didn’t need.

David wasn’t allowed to go with them to the apartment because he still had to rest for at least the next week. He’d argued with them but they were right he was already exhausted. It was amazing how exhausting laying around made him, how quick he found his strength failing. He wouldn’t be able to build it back for a while either. 

But that wasn’t the point, this was going to be his apartment and he didn’t even get to see it? He may as well have stayed in the hospital. Matteo had lovingly covered him with a blanket before he’d left, laughing with Laura. David had thrown it aside. How dare he? He’d got his cheek back at least.

Finally, his phone rang and he answered Jonas’ video call.

“Well?” He demanded.

“Yeah sorry, we forgot, lost track. Plus Matteo wandered off,” Jonas told him.

“Wandered off where? It's a studio,” David said, shaking his head.

“Yeah, yeah, hold on. Right, I’m here now,” he began to pan the camera around the room. “Ok, so this is the living room and bedroom and dining room. There’s a funny smell and-”

Jonas grunted as the phone was wrestled out of his hand and the camera shook violently.

“It didn’t smell like it last time so I'm sure the smell is Jonas,” Matteo said, grinning at him.

“Fuck off!”

They started shoving each other and David rolled his eyes as the phone fell to the floor and the screen went black.

“Boys!”

That was Laura.

Matteo appeared on the screen again, looking sheepish.

“Ok Laura hates it here, but I like it. Look at this wall,” he said, turning the camera, showing David the wall above where their bed would go.

“A blank canvas,” David said.

He’d told Matteo he wanted to paint the walls with epic scenes, changing it regularly with his mood, if the landlord would allow it. She would, as long as it wasn’t anything that couldn’t be repainted. Laura would never let him do it in his current room no matter how much he’d begged.

“Exactly so obviously the bed would go here, and a little table here and- oh and the kitchen is here look. It’s a bit gross but I can clean it up no problem and look here there’s plenty of space for all the food,” Matteo rambled.

“Bathroom?” David prompted.

“Yeah hold on,” Matteo said.

The camera shook as he made his way out of the kitchen and into the bathroom.

“Look at this shower curtain,” he said gleefully.

David gasped it was covered in blood.

“Matteo what?”

Were they about to rent a murder scene? 

“It’s fake, it’s the last tenants’ isn’t it great?” Matteo asked.

David laughed, it was but they couldn’t keep it. 

“Oh yeah that’s pretty cool,” he agreed.

“Laura said it has to go, says we’ll get diseases if we keep it,” Matteo said huffing.

“We should get a funky one though when we get a new one,” David said.

He could see it now, he would allow Matteo to buy all sorts of ridiculous things for the place. Screw aesthetics, this was going to be their first home. It would be a mishmash of fun and cool. The perfect combination of Matteo's weirdness and his arty style. 

“Laura’s reading through the contracts now,” he said. "She's really good at this stuff even more than mama," Matteo said, sounding impressed. 

“She's like dad," David said, "we’re really doing this huh?” he asked.

He was so excited, despite being a bit grumpy earlier. 

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Still scared?” David asked.

“Terrified but not, does that make sense?” Matteo asked.

David knew exactly what he meant, he didn’t feel that way but he did understand. Matteo could want to move in and still be afraid of it at the same time.

“Yeah,” he said.

“I love you,” Matteo said.

“I love you too,” David said.

“Where are you, Matteo? I wanna show David the rest!” Jonas yelled in the background.

“It’s literally two rooms Jonas!” Matteo yelled back.

“Three rooms!”

“Stop fighting you’re giving me motion sickness!” David said.

They both laughed and ran through the apartment. David watched the shaky video fondly.

Their own apartment. Their home. They were really doing this. He couldn't wait, would move in tomorrow if Laura would let him. 

* * *

####  **_Mum_ **

_Mum (Tuesday, 14.13): I want to apologise for the yesterday_

_Mum (14.15): I shouldn’t have had a go at you while you were recovering_

_Mum (14.21): We’ll talk again when you’re feeling stronger_

* * *

David was hiding in his room. Matteo was in the kitchen with Laura, he could hear them arguing. Laura was finally letting Matteo teach her some old Italian recipes his grandmother had taught him. 

It didn't sound like it was going well. Laura was not good at getting things wrong. There was a lot of Italian cursing coming from the kitchen, plus a lot of mock Italian from Laura. Which just led to more cursing.

So David had retreated to his room. He felt weird, unsettled, he felt so sad and unsure. He just sat there on the bed, no idea what was wrong with him. Why wasn't he happy? He should have been the happiest he'd ever been. 

After a while, the door opened slowly and Matteo stepped in, closing it behind him quietly. 

"Everything ok?" he asked, approaching the bed and sitting beside him. 

"I'm fine," David lied, not wanting to get into it. Matteo wouldn't get it. "Go back to cooking," he said. 

"Is that an order?" Matteo joked. 

David ignored him, continuing to stare at his wall. There was a sketch hanging there, a man silently crying. David didn't like it, had made it at a low point. But Matteo did, David often found him looking at it so he'd hung it on the wall. Right now he thought perhaps he understood the fascination. He felt so lost. 

"It's baked pasta, it's in the oven, and I'm sure Laura can manage without me," Matteo said, "so what's up?" he asked. 

"Nothing Matteo," David snapped, hoping that would get rid of him. 

But it didn't, he didn't even flinch, just stayed where he was. 

"Or?" he asked. 

David glared at him, why wouldn't he just leave him alone? 

He knew why. 

He didn't want to be alone. 

He wanted him there even if all he could do was grumble and glare, he wanted his company. 

"Something's wrong with me," he mumbled. 

"Hmm?" 

"I feel fucking awful," David admitted quietly. 

Matteo shuffled closer, wrapping a careful arm around his waist. 

"In your head?" he asked. 

And of course, he got it right away. 

"Matteo I feel so lost, I feel anxious like I've made some huge mistake, what if I have? God, I feel so fucking unsure about everything. I'm sad, I feel so fucking sad," David said, angry at himself for feeling this way. 

Furious that all he wanted to do was curl up and cry. And he couldn’t even do that because he could barely fucking move.

"Ah, finally something I do get," Matteo said, leaning against his shoulder and rubbing his forehead against his neck. 

"What?" 

"You're depressed," Matteo said.

"No, I'm supposed to be happy,” David argued.

Matteo just laughed, his breath tickling David’s shoulder.

“You're not supposed to be anything. Anyway, I read all your pamphlets, this is normal, you're going to go through a lot of ups and downs in your mood, but if it's still happening after two weeks you need to call in, and they have a therapist for you. And even if it passes you can still call in anyway, you got aftercare physical and mental for the next year and a half,” Matteo told him.

He’d done his research then.

“Oh,” David mumbled.

“Did you not read them?” Matteo asked.

David couldn’t see his face but he just knew he looked smug.

“I did I just thought…” 

“It wouldn't apply to you?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” David admitted.

“That’s fair,” Matteo said. 

“I was so sure it was all I wanted and I was so sure and now there's this voice in my head telling me it's a huge mistake, that there's no going back now,” David admitted, what the hell was wrong with him?

“Ok… ok…”

Matteo sat up and turned to face him but he didn’t say anything else. He needed Matteo to reassure him, he needed it desperately.

“Do you think I've made a mistake?” he asked.

“No hold on I have some stuff to say let me think a second,” Matteo said, worrying his lip. 

David watched as he counted out the points he wanted to make on his fingers to be sure not to miss anything, knowing David was going to interrupt him and that he couldn’t stop him.

“Ok, I have five things. One, the voice in your head who is it?” he asked.

David frowned, he didn’t understand.

“What?” he asked.

“Who does it sound like?” Matteo asked.

"I…” 

“Your mum? Like maybe not her voice but in the things that you think, they’re the sort of things she says?”

Oh that made sense, he’d had her angry words on repeat in his head for a while now.

“Yeah a bit,” he said.

Matteo nodded.

“Well, she did literally have a go at you yesterday. I don't think you regret it but if you do I think that's ok. It's a big shock to your body, surgery can be traumatic even if it goes well. I think for you though you don't regret this, what you regret is that you’re losing her and you don't want to deal with that,” he said.

“Oh,” David said.

“Bad?” Matteo asked. 

“No, you're kind of right. I don't want to let her go, I don't… I am glad I did this,” he said, feeling a little more confident. 

“You needed to,” Matteo agreed.

“Yeah… yeah, I needed it,” David said, it was what he’d told her yesterday.

“Right but it was a lot to put your body through. I don't think it's regret, I think it's like… you're deflated… like there was all the excitement and now it's over and there’s still quite a bit of waiting before you get to where you want and that's kind of unsure because it depends on you. And I know you and you are not patient at all. I know you read as much as possible but I bet you genuinely thought you would be the one guy who can just get up the next day ready to go,” Matteo said. 

David laughed, Matteo knew exactly how he was.

“Not the next day,” he argued.

Matteo just took his arm and ran his fingers along it, before playing with his fingers.

“You really thought you would be recovered by now?” he asked.

“Fuck off,” David muttered.

“You'll get there, you'll heal and you'll be exactly where you want to be soon, you're so strong I know it won't take long,” Matteo promised.

And David trusted him. He felt better not great but that sick heavy feeling in his stomach was fading.

“Was that two?” David asked.

“And three,” Matteo said, “Ok four, it's hard because they all relate, it’s why I need to count. I don't want to forget anything,” he said.

“I get it,” David assured him.

“Ok, you're restless already. I knew this would happen, you're already fed up. You couldn't come to the apartment and you're frustrated. What do you usually do when you feel like this?” Matteo asked.

“Run,” David realised.

“Exactly, you must feel so trapped here and back at the hospital. But we'll start going out for walks tomorrow it says you can walk as far as you want as long as you don't raise your heart rate or get out of breath, and you're careful,” Matteo said.

“Ok,” David said, just relieved at the idea of being outside again, he was already getting cabin fever, “and five?” 

“Er… I love you?” Matteo said. 

David laughed, of course, what else? 

“Ok but seriously I love you, I know this is right for you. You will see,” Matteo said.

“I do. It is right, it's everything I ever wanted I just…” 

Matteo nodded and climbed down from the bed. He walked out of the room. David frowned. Three minutes later he was back with Laura, both of them struggling with her heavy ornate full-length mirror. They placed it in front of him. Oh. David didn't have any mirrors in here, couldn't stand it. He did his hair in the bathroom if he needed to. 

"This is an antique,” Laura warned, “don't break it with your ugly faces,” she teased. 

“You can go now Laura,” Matteo said.

“Wow, dismissed,” she said, but she left them to it. 

“What are we doing?” David asked.

Matteo knelt in front of him and unbuttoned his shirt, carefully pushing it down over his shoulders then he climbed behind him.

“Ok?” he asked.

“Yeah,” David mumbled.

He'd already seen this morning, he was allowed to look for fifteen minutes while they measured his fluids and took out his drains, checked his scars. He was allowed to take the compression vest off to wash but he hadn't yet, he wanted to but he was scared. Plus he couldn’t do it by himself.

Matteo reached for the fastenings then froze.

“Wait,” he said.

David stared at him in the mirror.

“What?” he asked. 

“I remembered five,” Matteo said.

“What? Five was that you love me,” David reminded him.

“No,” Matteo said.

“So you don’t love me?” David teased.

“David,” Matteo warned.

“Ok five?” David asked.

“Five was the medication and the anaesthetic will make you feel sad and a bit shit really,” Matteo said.

“Yeah I do feel kinda crappy physically,” David said.

“And that affects your mood, like when I get sick it wipes me out, I’m done for weeks after, you’ve seen it,” Matteo reminded him.

David did remember in early November Matteo catching that cold and it taking his already low energy. He’d stayed in for weeks, no energy to do much more than lay against David complaining about how bad he was feeling.

That had been the time David had dared to try and cook Matteo that frozen pizza and had never heard the end of it. An insult to his Italian heritage, his ancestors turning in their graves, he’d gone on about it for weeks. Every time David walked into the kitchen he would make jokes in Italian. David had no idea what he was saying but he knew enough to know it wasn’t a compliment. 

And the pizza had been fine, David had eaten half. Ok, it was never going to be as good as anything Matteo made from scratch but would he rather have food poisoning?

The painkillers were strong, of course, they affected his mood. He was already taking less outside the hospital so the pain was definitely more present now. It wasn’t unbearable. But it hurt. A lot. It was close to unbearable but he was tolerating it. He was supposed to wait an hour till his next pill, he didn’t think he could make it. He could go at least another thirty minutes before he took something. He looked at himself in the mirror. He wanted to see now. He wanted it, the fear was gone.

“Ok,” he said.

Matteo reached for the fastening again. 

“Do you want me to close my eyes?” he asked.

He hadn’t been in the room for that, there was too much to do, all the nurses, the physiotherapist, Dr Straken. Matteo and Laura had had to wait outside. Dr Straken did ask if he wanted them to come back in when she stood him in front of the mirror. But he told her, no, and then he’d just stood there staring at himself. It had been so long since he’d been in front of a mirror like that. It didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel like it was really him. That was part of the problem he realised, why he felt so out of sorts. That was reason six.

“No I want you to see,” David said.

Matteo nodded and eased off the vest folding it carefully and placing it behind him. Then he looked up and met David’s eyes in the mirror.

Slowly, together they both looked down. David took in his new chest, it was red and angry looking. It looked even more painful than it felt, he could see new bruising coming through pale purple atop the fading yellow ones. But it was good. He could look at it without feeling wrong. Without feeling like he wanted to claw his skin off. But it was still weird.

“It doesn’t feel real, like I’m not looking at me,” David said.

Matteo nodded. He shifted behind David so that he was sitting directly behind him, legs either side of him, hands at his waist, boxing him in.

David leant back against him and relaxed, he hadn’t even realised how tense he’d been. As he relaxed everything started to hurt more, that was the trade-off he supposed. It still wasn’t unbearable but it was close. He was going to have to take more pills soon. He could wait a little longer.

Matteo ran his hands over his stomach, gently running his fingertips over his skin which made him shudder and it didn’t help with the pain. He sighed again.

“Tell me it's ok,” David said.

“It looks good David, it’s going to look good,” he promised, “but it’s ok, it’s ok to feel like this, I… I kind of get it. I feel like that a lot,” Matteo said.

David just stared at him. How could he feel like this?

“How do you mean?” he asked.

“Like I’m not real, like I dunno like no one can see me, that I’m invisible. Sometimes I feel so disconnected from myself, does that make sense?” he asked.

David slowly shook his head.

“No, it’s not the same I don’t think,” Matteo said.

“Similar though, right now I’m looking at myself and I can’t see me,” David said.

It was close, not quite the same but it was close.

Matteo nodded.

“You are though,” Matteo said.

“What do you do?” David asked.

“I have to remind myself,” Matteo told him.

David frowned.

“Like that my body is real and that I’m controlling it,” he explained.

“Oh when you pinch at your arms,” David said.

“Yeah.”

David had caught Matteo doing that a few times, rubbing his arms with his hands furiously or pinching at the skin, sometimes it helped when David took his hands and squeezed them, sometimes it didn’t and David had to leave him to it.

“I can’t do that though,” David said.

“What pinch your nipples? No, I wouldn’t advise it,” Matteo said.

“Fuck off!”

“Can you feel though?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah, it hurts,” David told him.

“But then it's real right?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah I oh…”

David closed his eyes and fully relaxed into Matteo. It hurt a lot. But he let himself feel it, this was his body, his chest, it hurt like a bitch but it was his. It was his pain. He took a slow breath and felt his lungs expand, felt the muscles shifting, the slight stretch of his skin. God it hurt, but it was real.

“I taught myself stuff like that,” Matteo murmured, “the breathing thing and the focusing, sometimes it’s enough,” he explained. 

That was the kind of thing Mel did, with her breathing exercises, grounding techniques. It helped, just a little but it helped. David opened his eyes again and looked at his chest. It looked painful, and it was. It was real. It was his.

“It looks like it hurts and it does hurt,” David said.

“So it’s you,” Matteo agreed.

“Yeah.”

“It looks really painful,” Matteo said, hooking his chin over David’s shoulder.

“I don’t think it hurts as bad as it looks,” David said.

“I think that’s just a tolerance thing, I think if it was me I’d be unconscious,” Matteo said.

“Well you are pretty weak,” David teased.

“Whatever,” Matteo muttered, rubbing his head against David’s.

“Take your jumper off too,” David murmured.

“Er… no,” Matteo said.

“Please,” David said quietly.

“David it’s freezing,” Matteo argued.

“No it isn’t, I just want to feel your chest against my back, like skin to skin,” David said.

“David,” he warned.

“Not like that,” David said, rolling his eyes, “I just want to feel you. I’m warm, you'll be warm enough,” he insisted.

Matteo huffed but he leant back and pulled off his jumper, then the hoodie that was underneath, and the t-shirt that was underneath that. Ok, David felt a bit mean.

“Just a few minutes,” David promised when Matteo began to shiver. 

Matteo nodded and pressed his chest against David’s back. He really was cold, David tried not to flinch. His cool skin felt good against his back though. It felt good to be so close. They’d never done this.

“Does it look good?” David asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

He sounded so certain but David couldn’t be sure. Needed more reassurance than that.

“Really?”

“Yeah it does,” Matteo promised.

“How?”

“I dunno, like neat and clean, like it should. And I can guess how it will look later but I don’t know like right now it looks all painful but even all red and sore, and a bit bruised, you’re still like the hottest guy I ever saw, like I can’t believe I get to see you topless now,” he said. 

He really meant it, his eyes were wide now, not quite focused. He was staring unashamed, mouth open slightly. David felt his cheeks warming. He liked what he was seeing. Because he’d not been allowed before. His fingers were still running over his stomach so gentle, so careful, never straying too high.

“You can touch soon too,” David said.

“Yeah,” Matteo breathed, “Seriously though do you not know how hot you are?” he said.

It wasn’t like he was unaware, he’d seen people staring sometimes, but he just couldn't trust why. Always thought it was for the wrong reason. Could never believe people would be attracted to him but they were and it was a weird thing to get used to.

“Go on,” David said.

“What?”

“Tell me what’s so hot about me,” David said, he wanted to hear it.

Right now he needed to hear it.

Matteo went pink and pressed his forehead against David’s shoulder, the pressure ached but in a good way.

“No,” he mumbled.

“Please,” David said.

“It’s embarrassing,” Matteo whined.

“Why?”

“Just is,” he said.

“Tell me anyway?” David pressed.

“Tell you what?” Matteo said.

“What you find hot about me,” David said.

“It’s everything,” Matteo said, finally meeting his eyes in the mirror.

“Ok just some of the specifics,” David said.

“It’s all weird stuff,” Matteo said.

David laughed.

“What?” he asked, amused.

“Er… ok, you’re obviously attractive like I know that but to me, it’s other stuff too, like you’re strong,” Matteo said.

“Hm?”

“Like when you hold me you’re really strong, I feel safe, is that… that’s not a hot thing? I don’t know even know how to answer…”

“What do you find attractive?”

They’d never really talked about stuff like this, David knew that Matteo loved him but they’d never gone deep into what it was he found attractive about him. He was curious now. Because of course it was more interesting than ‘oh I think you’re hot’. Matteo was so interesting. David loved the way he saw things.

“You,” Matteo whispered.

“What about me? I’m strong, what else?” David asked.

He was very obviously fishing for compliments now but it felt so good.

“I like your skin, it’s beautiful, so brown, golden like summer, it’s so warm always, I want to touch you everywhere, I can’t believe I get to do this now,” he said, "and it smells so good too, you always smell so good, like slightly sweaty and just-”

“Hey!”

“No it’s a good smell it’s not sweaty like locker rooms it’s clean, it’s just a you smell, I don’t know what it is, I don’t even think anyone else can smell it, sorry,” Matteo mumbled sheepishly.

Well no one else had said he smelt bad, and he’d asked Laura a million times when he’d started testosterone and was constantly sweating, so maybe it was just something Matteo could smell. He was always burying his face against him. 

“Ok if you like it it's ok,” David said.

“And your smile,” Matteo said.

“My smile?”

“It makes me feel good, when you smile, it makes my skin tingle in a good way,” Matteo said.

David smiled.

“Yeah like that,” Matteo told him.

“Even now?” David asked.

“Always,” Matteo said, pressing kisses to his bare shoulder.

“What else?”

“I like your eyes,” Matteo said.

He met them in the mirror and held his gaze.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, they're… I don’t know it’s like they're ok to look at,” Matteo said.

David scoffed.

“You like my eyes because they’re ok?”

“Yes,” Matteo said, frowning as he tried to figure out what he even meant.

“Wow I feel so flattered,” David teased.

“I told you, it's embarrassing. I like your eyes because I like when you look at me it just makes me feel good, you look at me like you want to look at me it makes me feel all hot inside,” Matteo mumbled, but he didn’t look away.

“I always want to look at you,” David said.

“But your body… I like your body because it’s strong and safe and just right against mine, it always feels good with you, and we just fit and it’ll be better now because you’ll be happier with your body and that will make you even stronger and we’ll fit together even better,” Matteo said.

David nodded.

“Nothing in the way,” he said.

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.

“Ok,” David said.

“I love you and don’t even know how to describe what I like about you because it’s everything. Yeah, it’s how you look, like objectively I know you’re probably the hottest guy I’ll ever meet but it’s way more than that. Because ok when I first saw you I remember thinking who the hell is that? I couldn’t stop staring at you and then I found you on Leonie’s instagram and I stared at you some more, and on the bus and I’ve just never wanted to look at someone as much as I want to look at you,” he sighed and ran his hand through David’s hair.

“But then when we talked it got worse because then I just wanted to look at you and be near you all the time. Ok so like I knew you were attractive, but then you smiled and laughed, when we were smoking and I was absolutely fucked. I just wanted to do anything to make you keep laughing, smiling, make you kiss me and hold me and stay with me, I don’t know how to explain it,” he said.

“I get it, god I get it,” David said, he could see in the mirror his face was bright red “thank you,” he whispered.

“Did I help?” Matteo asked.

He really did, he always did, always made him feel better.

“Yeah,” David said.

“Still feel bad?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah but it will pass and I feel better than I did,” he said.

And he really did, he still felt sad, tired, and restless. But that feeling that he wasn’t real, that was fading, the longer he looked at himself, the more he got used to it. He guessed it made sense, it was a big change and even though he tried to avoid looking as much as possible before, even though this was how he wanted his chest to look from the start it was a big adjustment. It would take time.

“Good er… you should talk to someone else like Tay or someone like I can relate to this brain stuff a bit, but they probably get it better right?” Matteo said, “or one of the others from the brunch group,” he suggested.

“Probably,” David said.

It was difficult though, he didn’t want to seem like he was being ungrateful, even though he knew they would get it. He knew they would understand but he already felt vulnerable right now, he didn’t want to feel any more exposed.

“Has er… has Tay had…”

“It’s ok to ask, I know why you’re asking, you’re not being nosy. And no they haven’t they’re waiting,” David said.

Tay had only decided last year that top surgery was what they wanted so they had joined the waiting list only last autumn. They were a lot more patient than David but it was still frustrating for them.

“Oh… would they still be ok to talk about it?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah they told me to, they’re fine,” David said.

“Oh and then you can help them too, if you talk about it, they should come over. Plus you’re going to be bored here,” Matteo said, he stopped stroking David’s stomach and just wrapped his arms loosely around his waist, almost hugging him.

“True I mean I’d rather just have you here,” David admitted.

Matteo helped him so much, he didn’t want to let him go back to work. He felt clingy, wanted him around all the time. He was the one he wanted to talk to, he was the only one he would let take care of him now.

“Oh, I can call Ingrid,” Matteo said looking worried.

But that wasn’t fair.

“No don’t do that, I don’t want to mess up your routine ok, stay at work, I’ll be fine really,” David insisted.

Matteo had already drawn himself up a new timetable allowing himself a two-hour break in the middle of the day to come back and check on him. Even though it was too far really for that, and it meant he would work later. Although both Ingrid and David had reminded him that he imposed these hours on himself and he didn’t have to stay so late. But Matteo liked the structure so David tried not to feel guilty. Plus he didn’t think he could go all day without Matteo. Laura would be around a lot too. But he needed Matteo.

“Ok,” Matteo said, smiling at him.

David remembered something from the beginning of their conversation.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked.

“Mmm?”

“The voice in your head, who does it sound like?” David asked.

Matteo was quiet for a few minutes while he thought about it.

“It’s me, it’s me saying all this shit to myself and it’s really fucking hard to argue with it,” he said finally.

David had suspected as much, as soon as Matteo had asked him the same question.

“Oh Matteo,” he said gently.

"Yeah," he said, "but sometimes it's you too," he added. 

That took him by surprise. 

"Me?" he asked, afraid of what Matteo was about to say. 

He couldn't bear it if it was hurting Matteo. 

Even if it wasn't his fault. 

"Arguing with me," Matteo said, trying to figure out what he meant. 

"What do you mean?" David asked. 

"In a good way, sometimes I hear your voice, just little things like 'c’mon Matteo you've got this', it really helps me," Matteo said. 

David gripped his arms tight where they still rested against his stomach.

“Oh Matteo, I love you so much, I’m always here ok, don’t push me away again,” he said.

“I won’t,” Matteo promised.

And David believed him. It wasn’t that simple, that easy but if Matteo kept letting him in they could get through everything. 

“Listen to me, when that voice is loud listen to me instead it’s the truth, it’s always the truth, I believe in you so much, I’ve never had as much faith in anybody as I do you, look at today, look at how good you’ve made me feel if you’d stayed away how would I have coped?” David asked.

Yes he would talk to Tay later and yeah Matteo didn’t get exactly how he was feeling but he tried so hard. He cared so much and that was enough, he already felt so much better. He felt valid in his little emotional meltdown because Matteo didn’t dismiss him, didn’t tell him it was all going to be ok. He accepted that yeah things sucked right now and was just there with him while he went through it.

“You would’ve been fine,” Matteo said.

“Yes fine but not happy right now I’m sad but I’m also so happy here in your arms, I am so happy. I can be both, I’m an absolute mess, but I need you ok?”

“Yeah ok, I need you too,” Matteo said.

“Do you understand it’s not selfish?” David asked.

“I’m starting to,” Matteo said.

“Good, that’s good,” David said.

“Do you want to eat?” Matteo asked gently, already ready for him to argue.

“My stomach still hurts,” David said.

He’d been struggling to eat as much as he would like, sitting at the table hurt, feeding himself hurt and he loved Matteo truly he did but he didn’t enjoy being fed like a baby. So he insisted on doing it himself and then got too tired to finish. But his stomach really did still hurt.

He hated being helpless like this and that was just another reminder. He couldn’t do anything by himself, eating, going to the bathroom, washing himself. Everything was hard right now. Matteo was helping him with everything without complaint or comment and David was grateful, he was but it was hard to accept it. He’d always hated being weak.

“Just a little,” Matteo said gently.

“Ok,” David agreed, how could he not when he was looking at him like that? His arms really hurt now, he would have to let him help.

But that was ok. It was ok.

“Let’s go eat, and we have to tease Laura that it’s not as good as mine,” Matteo said, sitting up.

“I think you’re the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen by the way,” David said.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Matteo said, burying his face in David’s neck, embarrassed.

“But you are, seriously, I never thought I’d ever be so taken by someone but you literally stopped me dead too, in the corridor and in my head it was like ‘god he’s breathtaking’,” David whispered.

“Stop it David,” Matteo muttered.

“I’m not joking,” David said.

Matteo stared at him but David just stared back, watching as he got redder and redder.

“But I’m just me,” Matteo said.

“And you are beautiful,” David insisted.

He was scarlet now, face pressed against David’s, he could feel the heat coming from his cheeks.

“Do you believe me?” David asked.

He nodded.

“Good let’s eat then,” David said, allowing Matteo to push him up so he could stand.

He was so gentle, so careful. This boy who couldn’t walk without tripping over his own feet, who couldn’t stay vertical for more than five minutes at a time, could be so tender and kind, so perfect at taking care of him.

He let Matteo help dress him again, not even sighing when he put an extra hoodie on him, he’d gotten cold sitting there like that and it felt nice to be wrapped up. He was ok. He needed to accept that it was ok to feel like this, that it would pass. 

Maybe Matteo was right, maybe he should speak to someone about this, the therapists offered by his care package. He’d been pushing Matteo all year, advocating the importance of getting help. Maybe he needed to listen to himself.

* * *

####  **papa**

_papa (Tuesday, 21.33): Matteo my darling boy I’m so sorry_

_papa (21.34): I am so sorry for everything_

_papa (21.35): This is my fault_

_papa (21.35): I know this is my fault_

_papa (21.36): I’m so terribly sorry_

_papa (21.37): I tried to protect you_

_papa (21.38): And I made everything worse_

_papa (21.41): I don’t expect you to ever forgive me_

_Matteo (21.44): Come home_

_Matteo (21.44): Please_

_papa (21.47): I’m working on getting better_

_papa (21.48): I want to come back and be there for you_

* * *

He couldn’t sleep. His painkillers had worn off and he couldn’t reach to take more. Matteo had put them on the bedside table with a glass of water, but he was stiff from laying still for so long. He didn’t want to push it. It wasn’t unbearable by any means, not like it had gotten earlier but it was too much to sleep. He looked over, Matteo was asleep on the floor. He didn’t want to wake him again.

Three times David had woken in the night and sent him out to sleep on the couch, he’d heard him creep back in every time. He really could sleep anywhere. He was sat up by the head of the bead, against the bedside table, mouth open, head lolling with no support. It could not be comfortable. 

Carefully, so slowly, David reached out, it hurt but not too badly. Matteo was in easy reach of the bed. He gently moved his head so that he was at least leaning against the bed. Matteo sighed but didn’t wake. David rolled his eyes. Silly boy.

His phone rang and he grabbed it quickly before it woke Matteo. Thankfully that was in reach, by his hand where he’d dropped it earlier, bored, eyes itching from tiredness. It was Amira, facetiming him.

He clicked to answer and smiled when he saw her face.

“Hey?” he said.

“Hey it’s early, I saw you were online,” Amira said.

“Yeah I keep waking, can't quite get comfortable,” David said.

“You miss snuggling up to Matteo?” she asked, clearly going for sarcasm, but unable to keep the fondness from her voice.

“Yeah look,” David said. 

He turned the phone so she could see Matteo sleeping on the floor, head now on the bed, arm outstretched, reaching for David in his sleep.

“Oh that boy,” she said softly.

“I know, I can't really share the bed right now, so he’s supposed to be on the sofa, but he keeps coming back,” David explained.

“The two of you are disgusting,” she said, no-nonsense demeanour back in force.

“Jealous?” David asked.

“No,” she insisted.

“You’ll be back in a few months, right? Straight into Mohammed's waiting arms,” David reminded her, teasing her.

“Me and Mohammed are far too cool. We will never be as disgusting as you,” she said calmly.

But David knew that just wasn’t true, Mohammed was perfectly comfortable being open with his affections and Amira was just as soft around him when she thought no one was looking of course.

“You wish you were as disgustingly in love as us,” he said.

“You guys doing ok?” Amira asked.

He hadn’t spoken to her since she called last week. He didn’t think Matteo had dared to call her yet. Right now she was calling him but she was checking on both of them.

“Yeah,” David said,

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier about Matteo,” she said.

David shook his head, he’d been angry at the time but just for a moment. He’d understood exactly why she hadn’t told him. She’d been told in confidence, she couldn’t betray that.

“No, you were right not to. It was only his place to tell me, he needed to figure a lot out,” David said.

“He’s ok?” she asked, and David saw the concern on her face.

Her tough facade completely dropped and he realised just how worried she was about Matteo. It must have been difficult trying to talk Matteo through his worries at a distance, keeping things a secret for him. It was a lot of pressure on her if she was his confidante. She didn’t seem to mind though, she cared for him and of course, she was worried.

“He will be but… it might take some time. But we’ll work it out, figure out a way to manage it,” David assured her.

“You're so good for him,” she said.

“We’re good for each other. Like I want to be there for him, take care of him, make his days easier. But he makes mine easier too, brighter. He makes me see the world differently, Amira, he still believes in people even after everything he’s been through. He found out some stuff on Sunday about his dad and I think he’s talking to him again. Just like that, even after he left him. He forgives him. I thought it made you weak. But it doesn’t, that’s a hell of a strength to believe in people like that. He makes me believe in people too,” David said.

He would never forgive his parents as easily as Matteo had his. And part of that was like Tay said, Matteo was forgiving in order to get back what he’d lost. There was something tangible that he was missing. It was different for him. He missed a concept. But he couldn’t help but want to try.

“God the pair of you are just awful,” she said.

“Thanks,” David said.

“That's not a compliment,” she said.

“It sounded like one to me,” David said.

“But how are you David?” she asked.

“Me? I’m amazing, ok right now I’m weak and in pain. It got me down a bit yesterday and it probably will again, but I think it’s a patience thing. But Amira I’m so happy, this is all I’ve wanted, for so long, and it still feels so surreal, but wonderful,” he said. “Yes I’ve got a long recovery ahead of me but I don’t care. I wanted this. This is just… I feel like I’m finally becoming me, does that make sense?” He asked.

“It really does, I can see it in your face too. You seem… settled, more comfortable in your own skin,” she said.

She smiled at him so warmly and he couldn’t help but grin madly back at her.

“I am, I really am,” David said.

“But er… we haven’t talked in a while. Matteo mentioned your parents were giving you grief, he didn’t say what, no specifics, just that they were stressing you out and he was worried, is… are you ok?” she asked.

“You’ve missed so much, like seriously I swear so much of my past has been back in my face lately,” he said.

She leant closer to the screen.

“Then fill me in,” she said.

David settled back and prepared to catch her up with everything she’d missed. He was comfortable now, slightly distracted from the pain. Plus Matteo had done a good job of making his bed extra comfortable. David had no idea where all the cushions and pillows had come from, he was pretty sure they didn’t own this many.

“Ok, firstly did you hear that I started football?” he asked.

“Yeah Matteo and the boys have been your cheerleaders,” she said, laughing at the idea.

“Maybe I could get them in the costumes,” David pondered.

That would be a hell of a look. He could maybe convince Carlos, tell him it was a good way to get into dancing. And Carlos would convince Abdi easily enough.

“I would pay you to see that,” she said laughing hysterically.

“Hm. But the first blast from the past was this guy Ben, from my old high school. He used to bully me,” David told her.

“This is the asshole Matteo was supposedly going to beat up?” she asked, smirking at the mere thought of Matteo hitting anybody.

“He really was though,” David said quietly, glancing over at his sleeping boyfriend.

He looked so peaceful now, completely different to how he’d been that night, David couldn’t even recognise him as the same person.

“Really?” she asked, still disbelieving.

He understood why, Matteo was probably the most laid back guy he’d ever met.

“Yeah, he was on the verge of losing it. Amira I’ve never seen him like that,” he said.

“It’s interesting, almost like it’s only for you?” she wondered.

“Something like that,” David agreed, “so that was one thing. This guy wanted my forgiveness and I just couldn’t you know? He was old enough to know better. He made my life miserable and I don't have to ease his guilt,” he said.

“No you're exactly right,” Amira agreed.

David nodded, he knew she’d get it.

“I made peace with it. He leaves me alone now. Oh and then my mum came bounding back into my life when I got the letter for my surgery. She came to tell me that if I went ahead with it we were done,” David said.

Amira gasped.

“Shit,” she said.

“Yep. So then I went to see my dad,” he said.

“Oh in his fancy glass tower?”

Of course, Matteo had told her that, couldn’t get enough of it, telling everyone how secretly fancy he was. Which he wasn’t. At all.

“Yeah.”

“How did that go?” she asked.

“Still don't really know, it's weird between us, always has been. I think he just doesn’t know how to be around us, me or Laura. He's better with his numbers and his computer, but he doesn't actually have a problem with me, it's more like he just doesn't know how to be a dad,” David explained. “But he’s trying,” he said.

“So what's going to happen there?” she asked.

David still wasn’t sure about that, but then there was no pressure now. He would let his dad try and he would give him a chance. It wouldn’t be easy, there was a lot for him to learn. But David would hear him out.

“I think maybe I'll maybe not write him off. Like he has to put in the effort, he’s the parent, but if he's willing then I won’t brush him off or anything,” David told her.

“Smart. And your mum?”

“She came to the hospital on Monday,” David told her.

“Ah.”

“Wanted to see if I'd gone through with it,” he said.

“And how did she react?”

“Pretty much as expected, told me we were done…”

“But?”

“But before she did we talked, I think she resents us. Like my dad’s going to divorce her, he cheated on her and the only reason she had us was to keep him. Now that we’ve moved on he doesn't really need to stay anymore. I don’t think he loves her but he does love us and she resents that, me and Laura both, but this was something she could fixate on,” David suggested, “me being trans became the focus of her anger.”

That’s what David had assumed since Monday.

“That's not fair though,” Amira said.

It felt good to hear that, that she agreed with him. She was smart and reasonable, it was good to have her support.

“No, it isn't. Sometimes parents are shitty though like she had us for a purpose and neither of us turned out to be the obedient little girls she wanted. But I think she thinks I'm like throwing it in her face or something. She wanted the perfect family but she had such a strict vision of what she wanted and it’s me that's ruined it for her,” he said.

“And now she's alone,” Amira said.

“Now she’s alone,” David agreed.

He felt almost sorry for her. Almost.

“You’re so brave David, so strong,” she said.

He smiled warmly at her, he missed her a lot. She had such confidence in her answers it was always good to talk to her.

“Thanks, Amira,” he said quietly.

“Just speaking the truth,” she said, she understood.

“How are you doing though? Where are you now?” he asked. 

“Sydney,” she said.

“So awesome! What are you up to? Have you made friends?” he asked.

“I’m having so much fun, I saw the opera house obviously. Went over the bridge and did all the tourist things. But I’m staying in a hostel with a few other girls and we all went to a party on the beach last night. It was so much fun. Tomorrow we’re going up in a hot air balloon, I’ll send pics. And after Sydney me and Aliaya are going out into the wild,” she said. “Which I’m super excited about,” she said.

She was getting giddy now, she dropped the serious tone when she was excited like this. But David wouldn’t tell anyone, he just grinned at her.

“You look like you're having so much fun,” he said.

“I really am,” she said. “Jealous? You like to travel.”

“Not really, I have plenty of time to travel, but… I’m kind of… I’m right where I want to be at the moment,” he said, looking over at Matteo.

“Do you know, when the two of you started dating he was worried,” she said.

David frowned.

“About what?” he asked.

“He kept going on about how cool you were, how interesting and amazing you were, and that you’d get bored of him. And I had to keep telling him you wouldn’t, that it would be fine. But now I'm realising that’s such bullshit, you’re not cool. At all. You are a total sap, look at the state of you,” she said, smirking at him.

David just laughed, he’d never said he was cool, that was all Matteo. He’d never been like this before either though. But he wasn’t complaining.

“This is it for you isn’t it?” she asked softly.

It absolutely was.

“Yeah,” he whispered, this was it. “God I couldn’t ever get bored of him. I hate that he even thought that, he still does, but I couldn't, not ever,” he insisted.

“It will pass, eventually,” Amira promised.

He smiled.

“Do you miss home?” he asked.

“Not that much, I'm too busy, but I am looking forward to coming home eventually,” she said, “I miss my mum,” she added quietly.

David couldn’t relate.

“What about lover boy?” he asked.

She glared at him.

“If I ever fucking hear you say that again I'll kill you,” she threatened.

“Lover boy?” he repeated.

“David I will straight up murder you,” she said.

“Amira?” Matteo said, sounding very confused and disorientated, “David why are you awake? You need to rest,” he said.

“Morning,” David said, turning the phone so he could see Amira, “I couldn’t sleep, because of the pain,” he admitted.

Matteo nodded sleepily.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” he mumbled, pulling himself up from the floor and groaning.

“Hey, sleepy head how are you doing?” Amira asked.

“Tired,” Matteo said, taking the phone from David’s hand and putting it down. 

He held out two pills to David’s mouth and followed it with the glass of water from his bedside table.

He stroked his face gently and smiled sleepily at him, then passed the phone back to him. Amira just watched them both fondly.

“Come on the bed Matteo,” David said.

“Not allowed,” he murmured, staring at him, eyes slightly unfocused. 

He was still half asleep, David wasn’t even sure if he was awake at all. If this was all just autopilot. He wouldn’t be surprised.

“C’mon baby, come up,” David insisted, he wanted him close.

There was room for Matteo to sit comfortably opposite him. He climbed up, so carefully, not jostling the bed at all. He crawled over not touching David at all and peered at the phone.

“Hey coach,” he said quietly.

“Hey dumbass, pulled yourself together?” Amira said, just as softly. 

For all her jokes, teasing, and nicknames, she knew when to be gentle with him.

“Yeah working on it,” Matteo said.

“Good,” she said. 

“Sorry if I scared you,” he said.

“It’s ok,” she insisted.

Matteo just stared at the phone for a minute, then crawled to the foot of the bed, slumped over and curled up, falling back asleep in seconds.

“Rude,” Amira said. 

“Right? But I don’t think he actually woke up,” David said.

“So what's the plan for today?” she asked.

“Just chilling,” David told her, yawning widely. 

Those pills were strong, already kicking in.

“You should get some more rest,” Amira said gently.

David nodded, she was right. He was tired again, suddenly exhausted. The painkillers were certainly doing their job. As well as taking the edge off his pain they also made him incredibly drowsy. Amira smiled, understanding that he was close to sleep now.

“Talk to you again soon,” Amira said.

“Yeah,” David said.

He dropped the phone and closed his heavy eyes. 

“Matteo,” he mumbled.

“Sleepy again?” Matteo said, sitting up and easing himself off the bed again and coming back up to sit by David’s head.

He stood over him, stroking his face.

“Comfortable?” he asked, reaching for his pillows, ensuring he was supported.

“Yeah,” David said.

“Pain ok?” he asked.

“Yeah it’s good now,” David said, relaxing into the pillows, he felt good.

“Wake me up next time,” Matteo mumbled.

David couldn’t open his eyes again but he heard Matteo shuffling around by the head of the bed. He heard him sit down and knew he had resumed his previous position on the floor. He wondered if Laura would lend them her comfy chair. It wasn’t as good as the bed but it had to be better than the floor.

* * *

####  **get well soon David 😷🤒🏥🥼🍇**

_Finn (Wednesday, 11.05): David my man! How are you?_

_Finn (11.06): I went running this morning I missed you, I like our silent runs_

_Markus (11.08): Do you two really run in silence?_

_Emil (11.09): Silence. A concept completely unfamiliar to Markus_

_Markus (11.11): 🖕_

_Finn (11.12): It’s not exercise if you can still talk_

_Finn (11.13): But David we miss you_

_Emil (11.14): Yeah when can we come see you?_

_Markus (11.16): Let him rest_

_Emil (11.17): Here we go_

_Finn (11.18): He’s a doctor he knows best_

_Markus (11.19): You know what fuck you guys_

_David (11.21): Not up to visitors yet guys_

_Markus (11.22): You ok though?_

_David (11.23): I’m fine_

_David (11.24): Look I’ll text you when I feel up to it_

_Emil (11.25): Ok David_

_Markus (11.26): Take care man_

_Finn (11.28): Yeah take it easy no pressure_

* * *

####  **Gay movie nerds and Peter**

_Chloe (Wednesday, 11.47): David how are you?_

_Chloe (11.48): I had editing class today_

_Chloe (11.49): I missed you_

_Chloe (11.51): I miss sitting at the back judging all the other students for being pretentious_

_David (12.15): I miss that too_

_Chloe (12.17): But you must be so happy_

_David (12.19): I’m ok_

_Chloe (12.21): Are you?_

_Lucy (12.22): It’s a big adjustment Clo_

_Chloe (12.24): Yeah of course_

_Lucy (12.25): Take care of yourself_

_Lucy (12.26): Get plenty of rest_

_Lucy (12.26): Forget about school for a while_

_Lucy (12.27): Just focus on you_

_Chloe (12.29): Yeah don't worry, and I'll keep you up to date with the students and their terrible fashion choices_

_David (12.32): Thanks Chloe_

_Peter (12.35): You should rest but you should also try to keep busy_

_Lucy (12.38): Oh god here we go_

_Lucy (12.39): He’s just had major surgery Peter_

_Peter (12.41): I know_

_Lucy (12.43): So you’re not about to tell him to keep working on the project?_

_Peter (12.45): No of course not, I was just going to say like keep your mind occupied_

_Peter (12.46): Perhaps reading or you like to sketch right?_

_David (12.51): I can’t lift a fucking pencil right now_

_Chloe (12.55): Oh David_

_David (13.01): Shit_

_David (13.02): I feel so fucking helpless_

_Lucy (13.05): Hey now none of that_

_Lucy (13.06): One you are not helpless_

_Lucy (13.06): At all_

_Lucy (13.07): Two did you really think you were just going to bounce back from this?_

_Lucy (13.08): Have you ever even been ill?_

_David (13.10): Not a lot_

_Lucy (13.11): No I thought so_

_Lucy (13.12): People like you are the worst_

_David (13.13): Thanks_

_Lucy (13.15): You’re so bad at being ill_

_Lucy (13.16): Just rest_

_Lucy (13.17): Take_

_Lucy (13.17): It_

_Lucy (13.17): Easy_

_Lucy (13.17): RELAX_

_Lucy (13.18): Also stop making excuses pencils weigh nothing I don’t believe you_

_David (13.20): I can’t hold the book_

_Lucy (13.21): Rest it in your lap then_

_Lucy (13.22): A true artist wouldn’t let it stop them_

_Lucy (13.23): You’re going to be ok David_

* * *

David felt out of sorts again. This morning talking to Amira had been fine but now he was alone in the apartment again he felt uneasy. Yesterday isolating like he had, locking himself in his room had been a bad idea. 

Thankfully Matteo had seen through it and kept him company all night. Ignoring his grumpiness and sour mood. 

But now he was at work and Laura had just gone to class and David was alone. He hated it, he realised. He couldn’t even reconcile himself with how he used to always want to be alone. Being alone is not that bad he used to think. But he hadn’t known any better. 

There were times when he could still cope alone, he would survive usually, he wasn’t completely dependent on others but he was weak right now. Lonely and in pain. All he wanted was a fucking hug.

The door to the apartment opened and David heard Matteo shuffling about. He was so glad he hadn’t convinced him not to come back on his breaks. David looked up expectantly as Matteo walked into the living room, followed by Tay and Niklas. David’s face fell. He just wanted Matteo.

“Look who I found,” Matteo said, grinning at him.

“He seems so happy to see us,” Tay said, sitting opposite him.

Niklas looked around, observing the place for a moment then he sat beside Tay offering David a small smile. He couldn’t return it. He couldn’t face it.

Matteo knelt down beside him, cupping his face, stroking it tenderly.

“Hey,” he said gently.

“I don’t want them here, I’m not feeling good,” David said.

He felt so ashamed of himself, they would hate him once they both realised how ungrateful he was being.

“I know, that’s why they’re here,” Matteo said quietly, “right now I don’t think you should be on your own. If you need me to, I’ll stay instead but I thought it might be nice to hang out with someone else. They wanted to see you,” he said.

“I just want you,” David mumbled.

“Should we go?” Tay asked carefully.

David sighed, he could suck it up for a few hours. It was better than being alone.

“No it’s ok, I just… I’m not good company right now,” David admitted.

“That’s fine David I’m always good company so we’ll be ok,” Tay said.

David managed a weak smile.

“Ok?” Matteo checked.

“Yeah you can go back to work,” David said.

“I can stay,” Matteo offered.

“No, it’s fine, just… can you not stay late? I know you have your timetable but please just come back soon,” David insisted, grabbing Matteo’s hand and gripping it tight.

God, he was pathetic.

“I’ll be back by four,” Matteo promised, “Ingrid understands,” he said.

David winced, Matteo’s words relaxed him which in turn reminded him of the sharp pain across his chest and the dull ache in his arms. But he was relieved.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“Hey er…” Matteo looked between the pair of them, deciding something, finally, he settled on Niklas, “there is a lasagne for David in the oven, it needs warming for thirty minutes but there’s plenty so you can all have some,” he said.

Tay huffed, affronted.

“Why him? Why can't I make the lasagne?” they demanded.

“I feel he’s more sensible,” Matteo said.

Niklas nodded standing up.

“You would be right Matteo, show me the oven please,” Niklas said.

Matteo stood up too and Niklas followed him into the kitchen.

“Fucking rude your boyfriend,” Tay said, looking over at him.

“Yeah,” David murmured.

“You're not ok huh?” Tay asked gently.

“I was fine, literally until Laura left for class,” David insisted, “but it happened yesterday too,” he admitted.

“Well we’re here now, we’ll keep you company but if you want us to go later or if you get tired or fed up just say. We get it,” they said.

David sighed, he wanted the company. He knew he wasn’t being a good friend right now but he just couldn’t do more. Everything felt so difficult.

“Ok I’m gonna go,” Matteo said, coming over and crouching by the sofa, “do you need anything?” he asked. 

“No I’m good,” David said, all he wanted was for Matteo to stay but he wasn’t going to do that to him.

“Pain?” Matteo asked.

“Manageable,” he said, and that was true.

He was still on the painkillers but it was getting better. Or more like he was just getting used to it. It hurt a lot, but it wasn’t getting worse. As long as he was careful and easy with his breathing.

Matteo frowned and looked him over one final time. He reached out and adjusted his pillows, before kissing him gently.

“I’ll be back soon, just have fun, David. I know it’s hard but just hang out, let them in ok? They’re your friends,” Matteo said, reaching out and stroking his face, leaning forward and kissing him gently.

David nodded and watched him leave. As soon as he heard the door shut he closed his eyes.

“Oh David,” Tay said.

“What's wrong with me?” David asked, looking over at them.

“You’re a mess,” Niklas informed him, “food’s in the oven by the way,” he said.

“Thanks, Niklas I feel so much better,” David said, leaning his head back and looking at the ceiling.

“I think it's a few things but actually I think you're doing ok,” Nik said.

David scoffed.

“Doesn’t feel like it,” he muttered.

“I bet all weekend at the hospital you were giddy and excited right?” Tay asked.

“Yeah,” David said.

He had been, he’d felt wonderful in the hospital, like he was living in a dream. This hadn’t started until he got home and even then not until yesterday evening.

“Right then you got home and it’s all hit you?” Niklas asked.

“Yeah. I’m happy though, I’m so happy with the results but I just... I feel like this,” he said.

Because he was happy, he was. After talking with Matteo last night, and shaking off that feeling of not being real he felt more confident in his choice. But yet he still felt like this.

“It’s a lot though, you can be happy with how it’s gone and still sad at the same time,” Niklas said.

“Not sad,” David said.

It wasn’t quite a sadness, it was more like he felt unsettled, almost anxious, like something was wrong. A heavy feeling crushing him down. And it felt awful.

“Ok not sad, more like overwhelmed in a negative way. But also like anaesthetic is a bitch, it fucks up your brain. So you come out of surgery and your body is traumatised from a heavy procedure and then instead of dealing with it in the moment, your brain is all fucked up on drugs. I think you’re depressed yes but it's just a delayed processing thing, from the trauma to your body. If you were injured it would happen in the moment, but this will be slower. It will pass as you heal. You can be happy about how it went and still struggle with it at the same time,” Niklas said.

And that was exactly it. He let himself feel again. The pain was there but also there was just pure exhaustion. His body was exhausted, sore, painful and bone tired. And that was draining his brain. God no wonder he felt so awful.

“How long was it for you?” David asked.

“I can’t say. I was depressed before I had my surgery. Like severely they almost wouldn’t do it but my psychologist insisted. I was sane just really going through it, I knew the choice I was making. He said it was essential to my recovery. But that relief you’re feeling from having the surgery, I didn’t even know what that was, I’d been in the dark so long. All I felt was thank god it’s done, but I couldn’t feel happy. I was still despondent for a long time, but actually the pain helped me, I took the max dose of painkillers for the first month and I was out of it a lot. 

“But my mum one day was like, enough is enough. I was weaned off and god did it hurt, even months later. I was a proper baby about it. But I remember one day breaking down from it, in Tay’s arms and you said ‘god Nik look at you, look how far you've gotten, look at how strong you are’ and god did it feel good. Let people help you, David, it’s the best thing,” Niklas said.

David sighed. He was so right. It felt so good hearing it from him, that he’d gone through all this and come out the other side, happy and whole.

“You’re ok now?” he asked.

“This wasn’t a cure for the depression, like obviously my dysphoria made my depression a lot worse, but relieving that wasn’t an automatic relief of the depression. But it sure as hell helped, the increase to my confidence, the fact that I was finally comfortable going outside it all helped. For me, it was the start of my life. This feeling will pass for you I promise,” Niklas insisted.

David nodded.

“Can I ask what is it that’s making you feel this way? Or… what’s going through your mind right now?” Tay asked.

David thought about it, he didn’t even know how to put it into words.

“I’m just… yesterday I was in pain and frustrated at myself, and today I’m lonely and that's frustrating. It’s all just stupid stuff I know I should be grateful,” he said.

He just wanted to hide away in his room again, just wanted to go away. He knew that wasn’t a good idea.

“No David, no it's not ungrateful at all,” Tay insisted, “ok I can’t take it away but we’ve got the negative things. You’re in pain, nothing we can do about that it has to pass on its own. You’re frustrated in stuck inside no football or running-”

“No but Matteo took me for a walk this morning, it was nice,” David admitted.

They’d gone out for just under an hour, just walking slowly around the area. Yes Matteo made them stop and rest a few times too many, but David couldn’t even bring himself to be annoyed. Just being outside, walking around hand in hand with him had felt so good.

Tay beamed.

“Perfect! Ok, and you’re lonely but we negate that by letting people in, and you have Matteo and Laura,” they said. 

“But all of this is making you a bit weaker and then you’ve got your issues with your parents, I think we just have to put that to one side and focus on you for now. And of course you want to get back to school. You want to recover quickly and get on with things, but pushing yourself won’t help,” Niklas said.

“We can’t make this feeling pass all we can do is support you,” Tay said.

“I know,” David said quietly.

“It will pass, what do you want right now? What would make you feel better?” Tay asked, knowingly.

David was pretty sure they all knew the answer to that question. But it was so ridiculous. When had he become this clingy mess of a boyfriend?

“It’s stupid,” David mumbled.

“It’s not stupid, just call Matteo and ask him to come home, look he can’t have even got far yet,” Niklas said.

“He has work, plus I’m not like this,” David insisted.

“What clingy? Right now you are and trying to ignore it is making you miserable. Look it’s already Wednesday, just have a long weekend, hopefully by next Monday you’ll be feeling a bit better and he can go back to work, and look we’ll take it in turns keeping you company,” Tay said.

“I don’t need that,” David said.

But he did, he wanted it and he needed it.

“Yes you do, and we want to,” Niklas said.

David huffed and got out his phone.

_David: where are you?_

_Matteo: bus stop still waiting_

_Matteo Niklas hasn't burnt the lasagna has he?_

_David: come home_

_David: please I need you here_

_David: I’m sorry_

_Matteo: ok I’m on my way I’ll be five minutes_

“He’s coming back,” David said, closing his eyes with relief.

“Can I ask you a question?” Tay asked, “you don’t have to answer,” they said.

“Ok,” David said.

“Matteo has depression, yes?” Tay asked.

“We think so,” David said.

Matteo still wasn’t a hundred per cent sold on that and David trusted his instincts. They would wait and see what the doctor said.

“Ok, well it’s something and whatever it is I’m guessing he goes through low points at least?”

“Yes,” David said.

“And what do you do?” Niklas asked.

David stared.

“Take care of him obviously,” he said, what did he expect him to say? That he just left Matteo to it? 

“Does he tell you to go away?” Tay asked and David suddenly knew where this was going.

“Yeah,” he admitted quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Fine, it’s just…”

“It’s _your_ job?” Niklas asked, grinning.

“Yeah,” he said.

It was his job, that’s what he did, he took care of Matteo when his mind was stopping him taking care of himself.

“Not right now it’s not,” Tay said gently.

“I’ve never felt as fucking vulnerable as this,” David said.

He was about ten seconds away from breaking down, his emotions were all over the place.

“I know,” Niklas said.

“Don’t worry Nik was way worse than this,” Tay said.

Niklas just nodded.

“I was, drove Tay and my mum mad,” he said.

“No you didn’t, it may seem like it, but all we ever want to do is care for you. When the people we love are suffering, all we want to do is help them. It’s not annoying to us, it’s not a task or a chore, it comes to us naturally to help,” Tay said.

David couldn’t help it, he started to laugh quietly with relief.

“Good grief Tay at it again with the wisdom bombs,” he said.

“That’s me,” Tay agreed, “you’re going to be ok David,” they insisted.

“Yeah man, you got this ok? And we’re here for you,” Niklas said.

“Thanks, guys sorry you have to-”

“No,” Tay cut him off.

David realised what he was saying, god he sounded like Matteo. They wanted to be there with him, he didn’t need to apologise. He felt himself starting to relax fully, sinking back into the sofa. Everything hurt again. His neck hurt, his shoulders, he hadn't even realised how tense he’d been.

“Ok ok I get it but thank you,” David said.

“Totally,” Niklas said.

“When’s the food ready?” Tay asked.

“Ten minutes,” Nik said.

“I’m starving,” Tay said.

“You’re always starving,” Niklas said, “how’s eating going?” he asked David.

“My stomach is still a bit funny, but yeah I could eat,” David said.

If he took it slowly he could eat. Laura had rudely pointed out yesterday that he was just eating at a normal pace, it only felt slow to him. Matteo had had the audacity to laugh, like he was any better. 

They all looked round at the sound of the door opening.

“Hey I’m back,” Matteo said, rushing into the room, hands on his hips as he doubled over to catch his breath. He was flushed and sweaty.

“Jesus Christ, how did you get here so quick?” David asked.

“I ran, just let me call Ingrid,” Matteo said.

He pulled out his phone and wandered into the kitchen, David heard him explaining things to Ingrid. 

David took a deep breath he hadn't even realised how panicky he’d felt until it passed the moment Matteo ran back in there.

“Ok?” Niklas asked.

“Yeah.”

“You’ve cheered up, see Nik we’re not good enough company,” Tay said.

Niklas just laughed, checking his watch.

David just shook his head watching the kitchen doorway.

“It’s ok you know, that you feel better with him around, he’s your safety and you need that right now,” Niklas said.

David nodded, looking back at him.

“God, what would I do if I didn't have him? If I’d never met him?” David asked.

At this point he couldn’t even imagine his life without Matteo in it, he would be completely lost.

“Don’t think about that,” Tay insisted.

Matteo came back in and sat down on the floor by David's legs, leaning against them. David reached out and tangled his fingers in Matteo’s hair

“I hate this,” he murmured.

"I know," Matteo said, just acknowledging his pain, knowing nothing could make it go but time. 

"Can you stay tomorrow too? I’m sorry I know I said I would be ok but… " 

"It’s fine David, I want to be here, Ingrid understands. Look I'll pop round in the morning to check everything is ok, before Laura goes to class," Matteo suggested.

And that was good, he felt guilty about Matteo having to go out early but it was outweighed by his relief. He just sighed. 

"And then maybe if you're up for it on Friday you can come with me to walk Aldo, if we're careful, I'll keep him on the lead, Matteo suggested.

Oh, that would be fun, David could already feel himself getting excited. 

"I don’t want to be alone," he admitted. 

"I know," Matteo said gently. 

"I’ve never felt like this before," David said. 

"I know," Matteo said. 

"Have you?" David asked, guessing the answer. 

"Yeah," Matteo said quietly, pressing his head against David's thigh. 

It was a good pressure but David wanted him up on the sofa with him. He didn't even say anything, Matteo stretched and pulled himself up, climbing onto the sofa beside him. Sat as close to him as he possibly could. 

"God Matteo," David whispered. 

He startled as Niklas got up and went into the kitchen. He'd forgotten they were both there. They heard him clattering about, David glanced at Tay who didn't say anything just smiled, not wanting to interrupt. 

"It will pass," Matteo promised. 

"When?" David asked. 

"Soon," Matteo said. 

"How soon?" 

"So soon, you’re doing ok, you’re reaching out, you’re letting us in, you’re letting us help, it will pass," he said. 

He looked over at Tay who nodded encouragingly. He trusted them both. It would be ok. 

"The food’s ready," Niklas said, walking in with plates of lasagna. 

He passed them out and went back for his own. 

Matteo put his plate to one side and took David's. 

"Let me help?" he asked gently. 

David nodded and watched Matteo cut up his food for him, he knew he couldn't do it without spilling it all over the place. 

"Ok," he said, placing the plate in his lap, "just take it easy," he said. 

"Ah see I couldn’t even move my arms, my mum was spoon-feeding me for two weeks," Niklas said, grinning at his predicament, but it wasn't mean. 

"I get tired," David admitted, "but it doesn’t hurt too badly," he said. 

"I thought... I read that you know after the surgery you needed to eat healthily," Tay said, between massive mouthfuls of lasagna. 

Matteo sat forward, he looked at them, frowning, almost annoyed. David grinned, knowing he was about to go off.

"It _is_ healthy," he said. 

"It’s lasagna," Tay argued. 

There was about to be a fall out, David just watched carefully eating his own food, trying desperately to ignore the ache in his back now that he was sitting forward. His chest was ok as long as he didn't stretch but that made everything slow and difficult, his neck hurt too. He was getting stiff from the lack of movement. 

He startled slightly when he felt Matteo's free hand rubbing up and down his back. The pressure felt good. He was pretty sure he was unaware he was doing it, too frustrated with Tay. He was actually doing instead of fidgeting, it was subconscious but it felt so good. David leant into him and tried to relax.

"I made it, it’s healthy," Matteo argued. 

"I mean…" 

"It’s got soya mince instead of beef because it's leaner. There are extra vegetables, spinach and broccoli for iron. Carrots and peppers help with fatigue because of the vitamins. Olive oil is good for you, I only used like half the cheese I normally use because yeah you gotta eat healthy," he said, glancing at David for a moment mid-rant, "and I even used wholegrain lasagna sheets, I can't make them because the flour’s too bitty, but they're ok. And there is almost no salt, a little is ok," he insisted, scowling at Tay. 

David tried not to smile but it was hard. He glanced at Niklas who was also struggling, not daring to speak up. Matteo was so offended by the idea that he would be feeding him anything but the healthiest foods. Tay just looked sheepish, they'd been sufficiently told off. 

"Oh ok but it tastes so good," they said. 

And David knew exactly what they meant. It was delicious, it did not taste healthy at all. 

“Yeah because I _made_ it,” Matteo said, "it's for David I'm not gonna give him crap but I'm not going to make him some tasteless calorie-free cardboard either."

David just stared, a warm weight settling in his stomach, which had nothing to do with the food. He did it so naturally, the little things, to take care of him. Of course he didn’t mind, of course, David wasn’t a burden, he was doing this because he wanted to. It was as natural to him as breathing. David closed his eyes, they were burning but he wasn't sad. Suddenly he was so happy. Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions. He took a deep breath, then another.

He smiled as Matteo shuffled closer, still bickering with Tay about the healthiness of the lasagna. He didn’t complain when Matteo took the cutlery from his shaking hands and took over, he just sat back and let him take care of him. Neither Niklas nor Tay batted an eyelid, and Tay was too focused on their food. 

But it felt good. No one had ever taken care of him like this. It wasn’t embarrassing or humiliating he realised, it was love. Matteo was doing this out of love, pure and simple. He did it without thinking, without questioning, just knew what David needed and did everything he could to give him it.

* * *

####  **Tay**

_Tay (Thursday, 11.32): Hey Matteo_

_Tay (11.33): Are you still mad?_

_Matteo (11.45): I was never mad_

_Matteo (11.46): Just a little annoyed_

_Tay (11.49): Ok well because of David whining about his feelings we never got to discuss the upcoming faction wars_

_Tay (11.50): Thank you so much for that spreadsheet it makes everything so much easier_

_Matteo (11.52): No problem_

_Tay (11.55): So I think we’ll test it out at the cupcake social in a couple of weeks I'll do an announcement soon_

_Matteo (11.56): Cool_

_Tay (11.58): Wow the enthusiasm_

_Tay (11.59): You should come_

_Matteo (12.26): sorry I was busy_

_Tay (12.27): oh of course “busy”_

_Matteo (12.29): I was getting groceries calm down_

_Tay (12.30): and the social?_

_Matteo (12.33): I’m not a student though_

_Tay (12.35): It doesn't matter_

_Matteo (12.36): I don’t know_

_Tay (12.38): Can you bake?_

_Matteo (12.39): Not as good as I can cook, I can make pot brownies_

_Tay (12.42): Maybe not for a social, but you should come anyway, it’ll be fun_

_Matteo (12.45): I’ll think about it_

_Tay (12.46): You’ll enjoy it I think_

_Tay (12.47): Everyone is really nice_

_Tay (12.48): We have video games and cake what more could you want?_

_Matteo (12.51): That does sound cool_

_Tay (12.52): And if you can only stay an hour that’s fine_

_Matteo (12.54): I might not even manage thirty minutes_

_Tay (13.01): Oh ok_

_Tay (13.02): Well what if we just sit in the corner on the xbox with all the cake and ignore everyone?_

_Tay (13.03): We don’t even have to talk really_

_Tay (13.04): We could have fun_

_Tay (13.05): And then if you get fed up you can just leave_

_Tay (13.06): But I think David will want to leave before you anyway_

_Tay (13.07): He hates cupcakes for some reason_

_Matteo (13.08): Nah he’s just prickly when you first meet him, it falls away really quickly_

_Matteo (13.09): Look at you two now_

_Tay (13.10): Yeah we get on great now, prickly is right though_

_Tay (13.11): How long did he take to warm to you?_

_Matteo (13.13): He didn’t_

_Matteo (13.13): Or he wasn’t like that with me_

_Matteo (13.14): He tried to be_

_Matteo (13.16): And I was so anxious and unsure that it almost worked but I could still tell he was just being an idiot about it all_

_Tay (13.17): You two are like couple goals seriously every time I see you together I’m just there reminded of my loneliness_

_Matteo (13.20): Can I ask a question_

_Tay (13.21): No there is nothing going on between me and Nik_

_Matteo (13.22): Oh_

_Matteo (13.23): Sorry_

_Tay (13.24): Why are you sorry?_

_Matteo (13.25): Was it a bad question?_

_Tay (13.26): No? You’re allowed to ask_

_Matteo (13.27): I usually ask the wrong thing and upset people_

_Tay (13.29): Well not with me it’s chill you can ask whatever you want, I'm unoffendable_

_Matteo (13.31): Do you want to be dating Nik?_

_Tay (13.33): Niklas_

_Tay (13.34): Only I’m allowed to call him Nik_

_Matteo (13.36): So that’s a yes?_

_Tay (13.38): It’s not a no_

_Tay (13.39): But it’s complicated_

_Matteo (13.42): Sounds dumb_

_Tay (13.45): It is dumb_

_Tay (13.46): I like you Matteo you say it how it is_

_Tay (13.47): Tell you what? You come to the cupcake social and we’ll find a quiet place, and I’ll tell you all about it_

_Matteo (13.49): Ok_

_Tay (13.51): Yes! I’ll see you there Matteo don’t forget your cupcakes_

_Matteo (14.04): Tay?_

_Tay (14.05): Yes Matteo?_

_Matteo (14.07): I’ve said I’ll come but I might not be able to, like it might get to the day and I just can’t ok?_

_Tay (14.08): Ok Matteo no pressure, if you can that’s great, if you can’t we’ll hang out another time and I’ll tell you the story then it’s chill_

_Matteo (14.09): thanks_

_Tay (14.12):_ 😘😘😘

####  **Schreibner is a third wheel**

_Leonie (Thursday, 15.16): David how are you?_

_Leonie (15.17): I miss you_

_Leonie (15.18): You’ll never hear that from me again_

_Leonie (15.19): But it’s true_

_Leonie (15.21): I’m thinking of you_

_Sara (15.22): Leonie babe you are such a secret softie_

_David (15.25): Is it even a secret at this point?_

_Sara (15.27): Hey David_

_Sara (15.28): How are you?_

_David (15.31): In pain_

_David (15.32): And exhausted_

_David (15.33): But I’m doing ok_

_David (15.34): It’s a bit up and down_

_David (15.36): Moodwise_

_Leonie (15.37): That’s understandable I think_

_Sara (15.38): I bet it’s hard for you_

_Sara (15.39): You’re usually so level headed_

_David (15.42): It’s a real fucking struggle_

_Leonie (15.44): Are you ok?_

_Leonie (15.45): Are you alone?_

_David (15.47): I’m fine_

_David (15.48): And Matteo is with me, I’m so fucking clingy right now_

_Sara (15.49): That’s not a bad thing_

_David (15.52): Yeah and I’m ok_

_David (15.53): Just very emotional_

_Sara (15.55): It’s not like you_

_Sara (15.57): You’re worse than Leonie when it comes to being emotional_

_Sara (15.58): This must be killing you_

_David (16.01): It is a bit but ok I’m a bit shaky but actually right now I feel ok, calm?_

_David (16.02): This morning I cried a bit but it felt good too_

_David (16.03): I’m really ok_

_David (16.04): Could you come visit me soon, I miss you both_

_Leonie (16.06): Of course_

_David (16.07): I don’t want to go anywhere yet, can you come here?_

_Leonie (16.09): Yes_

_Sara (16.10): We’ll be there_

_Leonie (16.11): Saturday?_

_David (16.13): Yes please_

_Leonie (16.14): We’ll come over and hang out all afternoon_

_Sara (16.16): Yeah and just eat junk and watch movies_

_David (16.17): Yes that sounds amazing_

_David (16.18): Although Matteo’s got me on a healthy eating regime to help my recovery_

_David (16.19): So no junk_

_David (16.22): But he’ll make us like healthy junk_

_David (16.24): It’s just as good really_

_Leonie (16.26): Can’t wait_

* * *

“So this is your room?” Carlos asked looking around sceptically. 

David frowned at him from where he was sprawled on the bed. Propped up on all his pillows.

He was having a better day today and was surprisingly happy to have the boys over. He liked their company. Originally he'd only accepted because he was worried that Matteo was going to be bored cooped up with him all day. But actually it was David that was excited when they showed up. He’d missed these idiots.

Matteo couldn't care less, needed no more company than David. He didn't get bored nearly as easily, as long as David was there he was happy. 

"Yeah?" he challenged. 

"It’s very…" 

That was Jonas, he was snooping through the knick-knacks on David's desk with a smirk on his face. David was not impressed

"What?" David demanded. 

"Nice!" Abdi said, grinning at him.

He was genuinely impressed. 

"Pretentious," Jonas said at the same time. 

Jonas not so much.

"Hey!" David said, if he could’ve he would have thrown a pillow at him, but he couldn’t so he flipped him off instead.

Jonas just grinned and the boys dragged over some chairs, surrounded the bed and then collapsed all over the place. 

"How is it pretentious?" David demanded. 

"You know all the art shit, cameras, and the plants and all that," Jonas said, shrugging as he looked round the room again. 

What the hell was he talking about? How were plants pretentious?

"How is any of that stuff pretentious?" 

"You know like it's a bit…" 

"Just because it's nicer than your room," David muttered. 

"It is," Abdi assured him. 

"Ok pizza," Matteo said, walking in with two plates.

The boys all jumped up and surrounded him, crowding him back toward the door, reaching for the food. Matteo lifted the plates higher above his head. 

"Ah ah ah," he said. 

He wobbled and stumbled back slightly. 

"Careful," David warned from the bed. 

They all backed off and Matteo moved over to the bed, he put the plates down. Then he climbed up carefully so that he didn’t jostle David where he lay. He handed one plate to the boys and moved closer to David so they could share. 

"Hey!" Carlos exclaimed. 

"What?" Matteo demanded, mouth already full of pizza. 

"You get more," Abdi said, gesturing between them. 

"David needs to build his strength," Matteo argued. 

"You are going to eat most of that and you know it," Jonas said. 

"I'm hungry and I fucking made it," Matteo said. 

David pressed a kiss to his cheek grinning and took a slice. He was starving, his appetite almost back to normal now. There would not be any leftovers.

"You’re not getting any more," he told them. 

"Such bullshit," Carlos muttered, taking a slice from his own plate. 

"Do you think my room’s pretentious?" David asked Matteo.

"No?" 

"He’s just saying that because he loves you," Jonas said, around a mouthful of pizza. 

"Are you jealous of David's room?" Matteo asked.

"No," Jonas said, but it sounded like a lie. 

"I am," Carlos said. 

"Me too," Abdi agreed. 

"Fine it's really cool," Jonas conceded. 

"Thanks, Jonas, I appreciate that, must have been hard for you to admit that," David said. 

Jonas scowled. 

"So how are you feeling anyway?" he asked instead of arguing. 

"Good, I feel good. Like I’m in pain but it's so much better, I’ve had a few ups and downs but I feel so good right now. I feel so right," David said. 

And it was true in that moment just chilling, hanging with his friends he felt great. That wasn't to say he was clear of the lows but he already felt so much stronger. It was letting people in, keeping them close and letting them help. They all loved him and who was he to send them away? 

"That's so awesome," Carlos said. 

"I’m so happy for you," Jonas said. 

"Does it feel like… normal?" Carlos asked. 

Jonas sighed and rolled his eyes. 

Matteo groaned and looked ready to choke Carlos. 

"Normal how?" David asked, not upset. 

He'd expected stupid questions the moment the boys had shown up and he was ready for a good laugh. 

"Like you know? Like me? Does it feel the same?" Carlos asked. 

"Well I'm in incredible pain right now but I don't know actually Carlos, what _does_ it feel like?" David countered, "for you?" 

Carlos stared at him, confused, while he thought about it. David grinned as he struggled to figure it out. 

"I don’t know," he said eventually. 

"Exactly." 

"Ok but-"

"Think before you ask," Matteo warned Abdi who was bouncing eagerly with his question. 

"I’m gonna it's not rude," Abdi insisted. 

"Go ahead Abdi," David said, ready for whatever Abdi was going to throw at him. 

"Ok so what did they do with them?" 

That was not what he was expecting. He wasn't supposed to exert himself so he tried desperately not to laugh but he couldn't help it. He burst out laughing tears running down his face. It hurt, his entire chest ached with the motion but it felt good to laugh. 

Abdi was so serious too, so genuinely curious, so genuinely dumb. 

"Jesus Christ I don’t know," David muttered trying to catch his breath. 

"I was just wondering like maybe they put them on someone else," Abdi wondered. 

And that had him cracking up again. 

Matteo groaned and blindly reached out to hit Abdi. He missed by miles, David just continued to laugh so hard, tears running down his cheeks. Abdi seemed confused at his reaction. 

"I honestly have no idea," David said when he could breathe again. "But I don’t think so, like they’d have to ask if they did that," he said. 

"Oh. I just thought it was a good idea, like you can have like hand transplants and stuff," Abdi explained. 

"I don't think it would work though," David said, although really he had no idea. 

"Oh well maybe one day," Jonas said. 

"I don't see why not," Matteo said quietly. 

They all looked at him and he continued to look down at the plate in front of him. 

"Like the science is sound," he mumbled. 

"Wow, I'm a genius!" Abdi exclaimed. 

Matteo looked up now. 

"No you're not," he argued. 

"I just had a brilliant idea?" Abdi said. 

"It's not your idea or like it's already something being looked at," Matteo informed them. 

David knew he'd read up a lot on his surgery, had caught him sometimes making notes and charts. He liked to have all the information did Matteo. He knew such a lot about so many random things, he was so smart in such a particular Matteo way that so many people didn't get. David just smiled at him, watching him blush at the attention. 

"Oh," Abdi said, looking disappointed that he hadn't had an original idea. 

"It was a pretty good idea," Carlos said, and that had Abdi grinning again. 

"I guess." 

"Ok but you still have all your lungs right?" Carlos asked, "they didn't remove them? How are you breathing right now?" 

David didn't even know how to respond to that. Matteo looked at Carlos in complete shock, he knelt up on the bed 

"Jesus Christ! Do you know any biology? And what do you mean _all_ his lungs he only has two. You know that right? Tell me you understand people have two lungs," Matteo demanded, "Why the fuck would they remove his lungs?" 

David loved it when he got all annoyed and riled up, he just grinned, unoffended by the stupidity of Carlos’ question

"Oh. I mean yeah. But well it's just, I'm not a doctor. I don't know how this works I'm just… it’s all the chest area right? I'm just making sure," he said, "I meant like did they have to remove some of his lungs-" 

"He only has two lungs-" 

"You mean part of them?" David asked, figuring out what Carlos meant. 

"Yeah!" Carlos said, excited that David got him. 

That was a little more reasonable, still stupid though. 

"Yes Carlos I still have my lungs," David clarified. 

"Does it hurt?" Jonas asked, "you said earlier you were in pain," he said. 

"Yes," David said. 

He didn't even know how to describe it. 

"Like a lot?" Abdi asked. 

"Like if I'm completely still then no. But that's impractical, also that hurts my back and neck instead. So I'm on painkillers and I was on really strong stuff at the hospital, that was great," David told them. 

"He was so fucking high," Matteo chipped in. 

"But it's painful yes, not unbearable, and manageable with the pills, I'm ok," David said. "I just have to be careful when I move and not do anything strenuous," he said. 

It was definitely a lot better than it had been at the start of the week. But then he'd stupidly thought he'd be stronger quicker. Once he accepted that wasn't the case and stopped trying to push himself he actually started to get stronger.

"Oh that sucks, so are you stuck in bed?" Jonas asked, gesturing to the way he was laid out so comfortably. 

"No I can get up, I go out in the mornings with Matteo. But I gotta be careful of pushing myself. And the rest of the time Matteo pretty much makes me stay in bed," David said, teasing Matteo who rolled his eyes. 

"Kinky!" Carlos joked, then slapped his forehead, "oh no wait, does this mean you can't have sex at the moment right?" he asked, an expression of mild horror on his face. 

"Jesus Christ Carlos," Matteo muttered, turning red immediately. 

"Like because you’ve got to rest?" Carlos clarified. 

"Yeah," David admitted grinning as all three boys now looked horrified and Matteo just kept getting redder and redder. 

"That sucks," Abdi said.

"I miss hugs," Matteo said quietly, from where he was pressed as close to David as possible. 

"More than sex?" Abdi asked incredulously. 

He just shrugged. 

"Yeah," he whispered. 

"It's the pressure thing," Jonas explained to Abdi who nodded. 

"I miss hugs too," David said just as softly. 

Jonas shook his head as if he expected this kind of nonsense from Matteo but not from him. David just stared back at him. It was true, sure he missed sex. A lot. But there was nothing more he missed than holding Matteo tight against him, squeezing him so hard until he relaxed so completely into him. He missed making Matteo feel safe. He missed the way it made him feel safe too. He just wanted to hold him. 

"God you two are just the worst! I miss hugs! Jesus fucking Christ!" Jonas muttered but he was smiling so fondly at the pair of them that they all knew he didn't mean it. 

Jonas looked at Matteo for a moment, a small smile on his face and David knew he was just happy that Matteo was finally able to show this side of himself. That he had someone who understood his need for the tactile and reciprocated that need. Maybe not on the same level, but it was a need for him too. 

"How long until you’re allowed to hug?" Carlos asked.

“And fuck?” Abdi added.

“How long until you’re allowed to hug and fuck?” Jonas asked, grinning at Matteo's red face.

“For hugging if I'm careful two to three weeks after my surgery maybe? I have a consultation and physio next week Friday so they'll tell me more then,” David said, "for er… sex, my doctor says give it at least a month but that I will know when I'm ready, it's my body I'll know," he explained, going a bit red himself. 

He remembered that awkward conversation with Dr Straken last week. She'd asked him at his pre-flight checks whether he'd had any final questions. And he'd mumbled out how long would it be until he'd be recovered enough to have sex. Even though he was technically broken up with Matteo at that point he needed to know for when Matteo came back. And it wasn't in any of the hospital literature and there were conflicting opinions online. 

She had actually laughed at him. At his awkwardness and embarrassment. Then in probably the most horrifying conversation of his entire life had proceeded to ask about his preferences in the bedroom and told him what positions he could start off with when he felt strong enough. She'd told him in very blunt terms which positions would be safest and still allow him maximum pleasure and David swore he almost died. Hearing that from his fifty-year-old surgeon was not a comfortable moment for him. 

“Rough,” Jonas said.

“Yeah,” David agreed.

Matteo shoved the plate away and curled up by David's side instead. David grabbed the plate, he was starving. He shoved a slice in his mouth and reached out with his other hand to thread his fingers through Matteo’s hair, pulling it tight. 

Matteo let out a soft sound and closed his eyes.

“Well at least soon you’ll be shacked up in your own apartment,” Abdi said.

“Yeah we will,” he said, grinning down at Matteo.

Matteo opened one eye and grinned back at him.

“Do we have to help?” Carlos asked.

“Yes if you don’t mind,” David said.

“Yes,” Matteo said firmly, no room for arguments.

“But we already helped you move once, and you barely helped me move into my apartment,” Carlos argued.

“But we did help,” David reminded him.

“Exactly so now you have to help us,” Matteo said.

“But when we moved you into the WG you didn't even do anything. Me, Jonas, and Abdi did it all,” Carlos said.

“I wasn’t doing so good, I was… stressing,” Matteo said.

“But-”

“Drop it, Carlos,” Jonas said. “I'll help. And Abdi will help. If you can’t be bothered then no one's forcing you,” he said a little harshly.

“No, I'll help,” Carlos said sheepishly, obviously aware he’d taken the joke too far.

“I wasn’t well,” Matteo said quietly, eyes still closed.

“Hm?” Abdi said.

“When I moved into the WG I was... things weren't good,” Matteo said softly, so soft David almost didn’t hear.

But he did hear, they all did. Since David, they were all getting better at listening to him. Paying attention, waiting for him to speak.

Carlos looked particularly guilty.

“I'm sorry Matteo I was just teasing,” he said gently.

“And you're doing ok now?” Abdi asked.

“Getting there,” Matteo said, closing his eyes again.

“Good that's good. You and David, everything is going to be so good,” Carlos said.

“I know,” Matteo said.

It was going to be perfect. 

* * *

####  **get well soon David 😷🤒🏥🥼🍇**

_Finn (Friday, 15.03): David it’s practice today_

_Finn (15.04): We’re going to miss you_

_Emil (15.06): It won’t be the same without you_

_Finn (15.08): And we have a game next week_

_Emil (15.11): We’re going to be slaughtered by a bunch of high schoolers_

_Finn (15.12): I mean I was in high school this time last year_

_David (15.13): Me too_

_Emil (15.15): Well I was in high school two years ago so getting my ass kicked by teenagers is not cool_

_Emil (15.16): But David how are you?_

_Markus (15.17): Yeah how are you?_

_David (15.19): I’m doing ok_

_Markus (15.21): Resting?_

_David (15.22): Yes Markus_

_Markus (15.24): Look it’s just in my nature I’m a doctor I’ve got to check_

_Finn (15.24): Med student_

_Emil (15.24): Med student_

_David (15.25): I am resting_

_David (15.26): I’m doing good_

_Emil (15.28): That’s so great, I’m so happy you’re happy_

* * *

David had moved from his room to the sofa for a change of scenery. Or more because Matteo was in the kitchen and he wanted to be closer. He’d tried sitting at the counter but Matteo had shooed him away, wouldn't allow him to sit on the stool because it wouldn’t support him. David couldn’t quite believe it but he’d come to love all Matteo’s fussing. Laura had noticed and she found it absolutely hilarious that David was allowing it. But he didn't care, it felt good, he felt cherished. And Matteo was right, it was uncomfortable on the stool, his back was still giving him trouble, almost more than his chest now. So it was when Matteo ushered him out of the kitchen and settled him on the sofa, making sure he was supported by the various pillows before going back to the kitchen.

He was exhausted, had spent most of the morning out with Matteo and Aldo. They’d picked him up from Ingrid’s, David had spent a few minutes just gawping at the front garden, it was almost unrecognisable from the wilderness of his first visit. Matteo had been working hard, David was impressed, and he tried not to worry about the implication that Matteo had spent the week of their break obsessively gardening. He hoped it was just a healthy distraction for him.

The three of them had ended up in the park for a good couple of hours, just letting Aldo run free, Matteo occasionally chasing him and playing, David just sitting and watching. But they mostly just sat together chatting and just being outside. Eventually, even Aldo got tired, and clambered up on the bench beside David, laying his head in his lap. And they all just sat there, staying out later than they should have, enjoying the fresh air. David could feel spring on the way and he realised that by summer he would be well on his way to healing. It was a good feeling.

His mood was ok, he was feeling a bit drained, but that was physical. There had been no tears today, just laughter.

So he was spread out comfortably, propped up on a thousand pillows, his laptop was carefully balanced on his lap. He had planned to write some scenes but he kept zoning out, focusing on Matteo and Laura in the kitchen. Matteo was continuing the lessons in Italian cuisine. There was less bickering this time, instead, there was music playing and the two of them were singing away. David smiled and just laid back and listened, laptop forgotten.

He was startled by a pounding at the door.

“Laura door!” David called out.

“Jesus Christ what did your last slave die of?” Laura muttered as she went to see who was there.

Matteo came to the doorway of the kitchen, leaning against it, holding a wooden spoon, turning it in his hands.

“Comfy?” he asked.

“Very,” David said.

“Need anything?” Matteo asked.

“I’m good,” David insisted before he could start fussing.

They both looked to the door when they heard Laura arguing with someone, David couldn’t see from the sofa, but Matteo could. David watched Matteo’s face as his eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

“Oh shit,” Matteo said.

“Who is it?”

“Matteo! Hey! Matteo knows us come on please!” Emil yelled.

Matteo stared and chewed his lip.

“It's your footballers,” he said quietly.

“Oh?”

“They are filthy,” Matteo said.

“Oh no,” David said.

“Absolutely not,” Laura said loudly.

He could hear a struggle, Laura was probably going to win but he wanted to see them. David sat up.

“Don’t,” Matteo said, stepping out of the kitchen properly.

“Please we wanna see David,” Markus said.

“Can they come in Laura, please?” Matteo called out, stepping a little closer.

Very wary, David wasn't sure if it was because of the mud or the boisterousness of these three in a small space. Probably the latter. 

Laura sighed.

“Shoes off, outside. And you are not to touch _anything_ ,” she said.

Two minutes later three very muddy boys bounced into the room, Matteo back in the kitchen doorway, watching them amused. Laura walked past all of them huffing and muttering to herself about the inevitable mess.

“Hi guys,” David said, sitting up carefully.

The boys surrounded him eagerly. 

“David hi! We missed you today,” Finn said, “sorry to just drop by, we just wanted to say hi, we’ll go if you want,” he said.

David just smiled, he couldn’t believe they came just to see him. That they'd missed him. It had only been a week. He was so touched. Finn must’ve brought them all here, he’d been in for water when they’d been running before, so he knew where he lived.

“It rained,” Emil informed him.

“I can tell,” David said.

“We had a good practice but it wasn’t the same,” Markus said. 

“But how are you? All tit free?” Finn asked.

Markus gasped and Emil shoved him, they both ended up sprawled all over the floor. David winced, they were going to get mud everywhere. Finn screamed as Emil overpowered him. 

“Fucking hell Finn you can’t say that!” Emil exclaimed, pinning him to the floor.

“I er… yeah pretty much,” David said, trying not to laugh. 

“Did I… should I not have said that?” Finn asked.

He wasn’t upset, it was actually funny, he hadn’t meant anything malicious, that was just how he was, incredibly blunt. Sometimes bluntness was good. 

“Erm… best not, like it doesn't bother me but don’t go around saying it,” David suggested.

He’d probably end up getting punched in the face.

“Gotcha,” Finn said, sitting up and shoving Emil off him.

Matteo just sniggered from the doorway, obviously amused. Like their other dumb friends didn't say equally stupid stuff just yesterday. 

“Hey, Matteo!” Markus yelled waving at him.

Matteo waved back and ducked his head. Markus ignored his shyness and bounded over to him, pulling him into a hug, covering him in mud. David watched on feeling jealous that he couldn't do the same. Matteo wriggled free, smiled and headed back into the kitchen.

“He’s scared of you,” Emil said when he’d left.

Markus frowned and came and sat down on the floor near David.

“Why?” he asked.

“You’re too intimidating,” Finn said.

“He’s not scared of you, he’s just not keen on all the yelling,” David explained.

“We're not yelling,” Markus said. 

“You literally just yelled at him,” Emil said.

“Oh I didn’t realise,” Markus said.

“We know,” Finn said.

They were all just used to the fact Markus didn’t have an indoor voice.

“But how are you really?” Markus asked.

“All good,” David said.

“Resting like you’ve been told? I checked and you mustn't do anything strenuous for at least two weeks and it will be at least three months before you can play again,” Markus said, the med student in him taking over.

“I know, I listened to my doctor,” David said, grinning at Emil, all three of them ready for Markus to remind them he was a doctor. 

And then, of course, they would all correct him. But he didn't say it. 

“Just making sure,” Markus said.

“So good of you to care,” David joked.

But Markus stayed serious. 

“I do care about you're my friend,” he said sincerely.

David grinned at him. He couldn't believe these three football dummies that he'd met only six weeks ago were his good friends. That it was so easy with them. With everyone he'd met so far.

He wondered if maybe he could've tried harder in high school. But he'd been so afraid, he hadn't been ready. Would never have been able to trust people like that. It had taken time, it had taken Matteo and Leonie to convince him it was ok. He'd needed people there who he knew he could trust in case it all went wrong before he put himself out there. 

It had been easy with Matteo letting him in and trusting him and all the friends he brought with him. With Leonie she had just wormed her way into his life not letting him pull away, seeing through his bullshit from the start. Never pushing him just keeping up a quiet one-sided friendship until he finally realised she wasn't going anywhere and he could let her in.

He'd missed out on a lot but there was no point dwelling on it now. He was exactly where he was with so many amazing friends that he wouldn't trade for anything. 

“Yeah and you’re the best player, gotta get you back and fighting fit as soon as possible,” Finn said, pulling him back from his thoughts. 

“I don’t know about that,” David said, blushing. 

They all seemed to think that. He probably wasn't the best but he was the quickest. Light on his feet, he was a keen dancer, moving came naturally to him. 

“Accept the compliment,” Finn said.

David nodded, still blushing. 

“Er... I have food,” Matteo said, bringing out a large bowl of risotto and enough plates for all of them.

“Yes!” Emil and Finn cheered.

"I am starving, thank you Matteo!" Markus said, quieter than before David noted. 

Matteo placed the bowl and plates on the table and made to leave.

“Stay with us please,” David said.

He was supposed to be eating with Matteo, he didn't want that to change just because the boys were here. 

“Yeah I won’t yell,” Markus promised.

“Ok,” Matteo said softly.

David sat up so he could reach the food and before he could sit back Matteo squeezed between him and the sofa, supporting him so he could sit forward and eat by himself, without straining his back. David put a second bowl on the arm of the chair and relaxed back into Matteo. 

This was easier. He was getting stronger, slower than he would have liked but he could feel it. Laura came out with her own bowl and sat in her chair. She frowned at the muddy boys on her floor then gave David a pointed look. He just grinned back at her. He knew she didn’t mind. Not really. He was sure Matteo would help clean up after they’d gone.

“Ben was asking after you,” Emil told them as he dug into the food, "seemed worried," he said. 

“Of course he was,” David muttered.

It didn't matter, not really. He did believe the guy had changed. They would never be friends but they were teammates. He could be polite, most days. 

“Told him where to go,” Finn said.

“Thanks,” David said.

“So we’re playing against a high school team next week,” Finn reminded them. 

“Oh, so you should win?” Matteo asked naively.

David wasn't sure if it was because he didn't know about football, or he was just so genuinely supportive of them, it was probably the latter. Matteo was the best cheerleader. 

“Doubtful,” Markus said.

“That's the spirit,” David said, laughing at his defeatist tone.

“Man though you need to hurry up and get your pecs or whatever because I want to win at least one game this year,” Finn said.

If Matteo hadn't had an arm round his waist David would have probably fallen off the sofa. Matteo almost choked on his food, David felt him shaking behind him. Laura was cracking up in the corner, trying her best not to encourage him and failing. 

“Oh my god,” she said.

“Seriously, just one game,” Finn whined.

“You guys are so great,” Matteo said, still laughing.

“They're alright,” David said.

But they were great. 

“Oh, so you’re moving, right? That's why we're here, we came to offer to our help,” Markus said.

"Yep we're probably the buffest guys you know," Finn said, winking at him. 

"Finn you can't even manage fifty pushups," Emil reminded him. 

Finn scowled. 

"They're so hard," he insisted. 

“Will you be cleaner?” David asked.

“Of course,” Emil promised.

“Then that’s great, we could use the help, Finn you can help with the pillows,” David offered.

"Fuck off," Finn muttered but he was smiling. 

“Thank you for offering,” Matteo said quietly.

David leant back and smiled at him, kissing his pink cheek. He knew the nerves were still there but they seemed to be managing. He kissed his cheek again, then his lips, softly, tenderly. 

Matteo's arm around his waist tightened to support him, and David fell into the overwhelming feeling of warmth that always bloomed in his chest. He embraced it, everything else, everyone else, forgotten for a moment. The boys, Laura, the dull ache of his chest, nothing else existed when he was kissing Matteo. 

He sighed as Matteo leant his forehead against his, pulling back before he got breathless. 

“Wow though when do I get that?" Markus asked, "I want to fall in love," he said wistfully.

David smiled at him. 

"Moving in with your lovely boyfriend," Emil said, "you two are the dream," he said.

David felt Matteo press his head against his neck, hiding. 

"He's got you smitten David," Finn said, "you know what's next right? He'll have you tied down in no time,” he said.

“Good,” David said simply, laughing quietly.

It didn’t scare him, the future. Because his future was Matteo he was certain of that. 

All the boys started whooping and cheering at the two of them.

David felt Matteo shifting, getting embarrassed so he took his hand. 

"Stay," he whispered for only Matteo to hear, "it's ok, it's just the truth," he promised. 

Matteo stared at him with wide eyes, blinking slowly, getting redder and redder. He just nodded and pressed closer to David. David pressed back, pushing him against the couch shielding him so he could hide.

“God you two are the cutest,” Markus said.

“Yes, we are,” David agreed, smiling at all of them.

What a change in mood since the beginning of the week, he felt so good right now, it might not last but he would take it for what it was. He would trust in it. He was happy, and it was his friends all of them who brought it with them, reminded him how loved and cared for he was. No longer the outcast, just a stupid stubborn boy who struggled to let people in and help him. But they all saw through it and helped him anyway. 

Never again would he be lonely, he realised. If they put up with him through this they would stick with him for a long time, because they loved him. They wouldn't all leave. They were here to stay. 

* * *

####  **papa**

_papa (Friday, 19.21): I’m sorry I stopped talking to you and I’m sorry it’s taken me all week to get back to you. I’m sorry I missed so much of your life. Even before I left I stayed away from you_

_papa (19.25): And god when you were young you couldn’t understand why, you were so sad and confused and I hated myself_

_Matteo (19.30): I still don’t understand why, even now that mama has explained everything I still don’t understand_

_papa (19.32): I lost my temper with you Matteo_

_papa (19.33): I hit you and you'd done nothing wrong_

_papa (19.35): I could only imagine what it would be like when you got older, god I was just like my father_

_Matteo (19.37): No_

_Matteo (19.38): I don’t know him not really but you never once did anything again_

_Matteo (19.39): It was a fucking blip and you threw everything away because of it_

_papa (19.41): You don’t know Matteo what could've happened, look at how i was with you when you were older_

_Matteo (19.42): No I don't get it all but it was ruined anyway_

_papa (19.44): I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you that I missed you grow up_

_papa (19.45): You're a young man now_

_papa (19.46): With a boyfriend_

_Matteo (19.48): Yes_

_Matteo (19.49): Is that ok?_

_papa (19.51): of course it is, does your mother know?_

_Matteo (19.54): Yes_

_Matteo (19.55): She loves David very much_

_Matteo (19.58): You would like him_

_papa (20.01): Is he good to you?_

_Matteo (20.02): He’s the best_

_Matteo (20.03): He understands me like no one else I’ve ever met_

_Matteo (20.04): He talks to me and listens to me, he wants to hear me_

_Matteo (20.05): He never gets mad or bored of me_

_Matteo (20.05): I feel safe with him like I’ve never felt before_

_Matteo (20.06): Everything is right with him_

_papa (20.08): I’m so happy for you Matteo, I’m just so sorry I wasn't there_

_Matteo (20.11): We’re moving in together_

_papa (20.13): Oh wow then it’s serious_

_Matteo (20.15): We’ve been together for ten months and I know it’s a bit soon, and I’m absolutely terrified but I want this_

_Matteo (20.16): I want it more than anything_

_papa (20.17) Trust yourself Matteo, trust your decisions, if it feels right then it’s right_

_Matteo (20.19): I’m so scared_

_papa (20.22): Of what?_

_Matteo (20.23): Fucking up_

_papa (20.25): You might or David might. But just take it one day at a time, because people mess up all the time. It doesn’t have to be the end of everything. Talk to each other forgive each other and you’ll be fine Matteo_

_Matteo (20.27): Come home please papa I miss you_

_papa (20.30): I want to, I want to overcome my fears. I'm getting things in order here, there's a bit more to sort out but I’ll be home soon ok?_

_Matteo (20.32): Yeah_

_papa (20.33): How are you doing?_

_Matteo (20.37): I’m supposed to see a doctor next week and she will tell me that I'm depressed but I don’t know because that feels too easy_

_Matteo (20.38): Not that depression is easy but like is that it? take a few pills and I’ll be normal_

_Matteo (20.39): I don’t feel like mama I know somethings wrong with my brain but I don’t know it seems like it’s been forever_

_Matteo (20.40): I sometimes feel like she does though, not right now, right now I just feel a little lost_

_papa (20.42): Talk to the doctor tell her all this ok? You’re so strong, everything will work out_

_Matteo (20.43): Ok_

_papa (20.45): Matteo I know I ignored your calls when I left and I’m sorry but would it be ok if I called you sometime?_

_Matteo (20.47): Yes there are people over right now but maybe this weekend_

_papa (20.49): thank you Matteo_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up next - gardens, more mothers, mirror obsessions, and getting back to normality
> 
> [moodboard for this chapter can be found here!](http://youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com/post/611229706593992704/every-version-of-me-dead-and-buried-in-the-yard)


	9. you can't expect the past to repeat with the ending changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything was good. Everything was perfect. Because he knew what that meant to him now. It didn't mean nothing would ever go wrong. That things weren't going to be hard sometimes. That people didn't let you down. No, it meant that when things did go wrong he knew already that he would get through them, that he had support. That he was loved. He was surrounded by his friends and new family, and they loved him so much. They weren't going anywhere. They were sticking around and so was he.

####  **Amira**

_Matteo (Saturday, 15.33) You can be depressed and have other things wrong right?_

_Amira (21.35): Yes of course. Often in fact. Doesn’t mean you won’t be ok. Sorry time difference I was sleeping when you sent that. Are you ok?_

_Matteo (21.39): Yeah I just think maybe that’s me_

_Amira (21.40): What do you think is wrong?_

_Amira (21.45): Matteo?_

_Amira (21.47): Don’t scare me Matteo_

_Matteo (22.03): I don’t even know. I just was looking up about depression, ready to make the appointment to see the doctor and tell them all my symptoms and stuff. And some of it doesn't match_

_Amira (22.04): Well not everybody experiences it the same way, so the list has to cover every possible symptom_

_Matteo (22.08): No I mean like some stuff was missing?_

_Amira (22.10): oh you think you have other symptoms that aren’t depression?_

_Matteo (22.11): yeah_

_Amira (22.12): symptoms like what?_

_Amira (22.15): you don’t have to tell me, but at least talk to Lea?_

_Matteo (22.21): I don’t want to see any more doctors_

_Matteo (22.25): it’s not the same thing it’s something else_

_Amira (22.26): Lea will help you, with or without doctors_

_Matteo (22.41): Amira sometimes I can’t speak. that was on the depression list too, but it was more like being too tired to talk or wanting to be left alone. But for me it’s just like everything's stuck and I can’t get it out or I’m just silent and I just sit there staring and making everyone uncomfortable until they leave._

_Amira (22.43): who left?_

_Matteo (22.49): my dad left, but everyone will eventually_

_Amira (22.50): we won’t Matteo_

_Matteo (22.51): Sometimes I talk too much or say dumb shit because I can’t think fast enough and I can’t stop the words_

_Matteo (22.52): And I know I stare too much, all the other kids thought I was weird except Jonas. But then sometimes I can't look at people at all I literally have to hide my face_

_Matteo (22.54): the other day I was so upset I wanted to cry but instead I just started yelling, like a fucking toddler, just screaming, I just get so frustrated_

_Matteo (22.55): and I start yelling and I’ll scare everyone away_

_Matteo (23.05): I scare myself when I’m like that when I get angry, it’s like everything gets far away, and I get lost and I don’t have control, that’s what happened with Ben_

_Matteo (23.07): sometimes I feel like I'm not real or that I'm not in my body and I'll just float away Amira I’m so scared one day I’ll just disappear, I’ll just stop existing_

_Matteo (23.08): and I hate the bus and all the people and crowds I swear they can’t see me, they push and shove and it’s like they look right through me_

_Amira (23.11): You are real Matteo, I promise you you're real_

_Matteo (23.15): I know I have to pinch and scratch myself and it hurts and I feel real again, David doesn’t like that_

_Matteo (23.19): and I watch David play football or even just when he walks and it’s easy for him, I’m always tripping, my balance is all fucked, maybe there's something wrong with my ears? But I don’t think so, like when I’m moving around in the kitchen and cooking I’m fine, but if I’m just walking somewhere or I’m walking and talking to David it’s like I can’t do both, maybe I’m just that stupid_

_Amira (23.20): You’re not stupid Matteo, you’re one of the smartest people I know_

_Amira (23.21): you already know what it is? Or an idea?_

_Matteo (23.44): I think so, it’s not anxiety, or some of it is but it’s more than because a lot of this has been since I was a kid, you could ask Jonas, he’d tell you the same and I just don’t think I'm going to grow out of it anymore_

_Matteo (23.45): I don’t want to talk about it yet, but you’ve probably figured it out_

_Matteo (23.46): or you can just look all that up I don’t care_

_Amira (23.48): no Matteo I won’t do that, we’ll talk about it when you’re more comfortable but don’t let this stress you out, you have time I promise_

_Amira (23.51): and at this point it’s up to you whether or not you see a doctor, but I really think you need to deal with the depression thing at least, Lea can help you manage some of it, give you tips to make things easier for you, she won't make you do anything you don’t want to or can’t handle, but I think you need to get a handle on it_

_Matteo (23.59): ok I'll tell her_

* * *

####  **Amira**

_Amira (Sunday, 00.34): I have to tell you something_

_Matteo (00.37): what?_

_Amira (00.39): I googled it_

_Matteo (00.43): I said you could_

_Amira (00.48): No before, weeks ago, when you had that panic attack. I googled it and researched you without talking to you first and then when you wouldn’t listen I tried to tell David, behind your back_

_Amira (00.51): David wouldn’t listen, told me to stop it_

_Amira (00.53): I’m really sorry_

_Amira (01.10): Are you upset?_

_Matteo (01.12): Yeah_

_Amira (01.14): Matteo I'm so sorry_

_Matteo (01.15): You shouldn’t talk about me even with David_

_Amira (01.17): I won’t ever do that again_

_Matteo (01.18): And not with Hanna or Jonas either_

_Amira (01.21): Matteo I know_

_Matteo (01.23): I tell you things I don’t tell them because I thought you would understand, I thought you wouldn’t make a fuss but you can’t share that_

_Amira (01.25): I am so sorry_

_Matteo (01.27): Ok_

_Amira (01.28): Are we ok?_

_Matteo (01.29): Yeah_

_Amira (01.35): I think I was so desperate to help you, that I lost sight of it? I was trying to fix things. You have told me time and time again you don’t need me to be your therapist, what do you need from me?_

_Matteo (01.38): I need you to listen, just listen to me_

_Amira (01.40): Ok I promise_

_Matteo (01.41): Thank you_

_Matteo (01.42): David knows doesn’t he?_

_Amira (01.43): he wouldn’t let me tell him what I found out, to him or you, I think he definitely has an idea, he’s waiting on you_

_Matteo (01.44): I’m not ready yet am I being stupid? Like once I say it that’s it for the rest of my life_

_Amira (01.46): and that’s fine, it’s scary but I promise nothing will change, you will always be my closest friend, David will always love you no matter what, saying it, labelling it doesn’t change that_

_Amira (01.47): but I didn’t realise it at the time, when he told me off, but ultimately this is about you and only you and you have to be ready to talk about it so take all the time you need_

_Matteo (01.48): Thank you_

_Amira (01.50): ok go to bed Matteo, it’s late you should sleep_

_Matteo (01.52): goodnight amira_

* * *

Leonie was late. Well, Leonie and Sara were late but Sara was never mean to him when he was late so he wasn't going to say anything to her. Leonie on the other hand, she deserved it. 

He heard the knock at the door and checked his phone. Ten minutes, he'd never been that late. 

"Hey," he said, opening the door. 

Before he could even comment on the time Leonie stopped him in his tracks. 

"Sorry we're late," she said, holding up two grocery bags, "we stopped for snacks," she clarified, as he led both girls inside. 

"Don't worry it's fruit, houmous, rice cakes that sort of thing, Matteo told me what you're allowed," Sara said. 

"They're best friends now," Leonie told him, rolling her eyes. 

"Yeah I've just got to take extra care of myself while I heal, so like no kebabs for a while," he said, leading them to the kitchen. 

Leonie put the bags on the counter and turned to face him. 

"I mean you shouldn't eat those anyway," she said. 

"Are you ok?" he asked, she looked a bit upset, eyes shining, worrying her lip. 

"She's been a bit worried about you," Sara said quietly, "we both have. Not that we thought anything would go wrong but just seeing that you're ok and that you're happy, we needed that," she said. 

David closed his eyes. 

"Oh god Sara now we're all crying," Leonie muttered, "we can't hug you right now can we?" she asked. 

"Not yet," he said. 

"We'll save them up for you," Sara said. 

Then Leonie reached out and took his hand, Sara taking his other and they stood there smiling for a moment. 

"I've missed you," Leonie said. 

"I've missed you too, both of you," David said. 

"So vegging out?" Sara asked. 

"Vegging out," David agreed. 

They walked back out into the living room and David let go of them so they could snoop around. Leonie had been over a few times but Sara hadn't. 

"Ooh David this apartment is so nice, why are you leaving?" Sara asked. 

"You know why," Leonie said dryly, "so the decor is all Laura right?" 

"Fuck you," David said, "but yeah, everything but my room," he admitted. 

Laura had already been living here when he'd moved in and she refused to let him change anything. Said he wasn't turning her apartment into a gym or a messy art studio, and ruining her Zen. 

She did let him get as many plants as he wanted though. 

And his room he pretty much had free reign over, although when he’d gotten into spray painting and street art she’d forbidden him from practising on his walls. 

"Let’s see it then," Sara said. 

Leonie snorted. 

"Are you sure you want to risk it?" she asked. 

"You've been in there before," David reminded her. 

"My eyes will never unsee what I saw that day," Leonie said dramatically as David led them to his room. 

"Oh, what did you see?" Sara asked as she looked around, heading over to the desk. 

Leonie flopped down onto the bed, David carefully sat down beside her. She wordlessly reached out to steady him and help him to the middle of the bed. 

"Naked pictures-" 

"Sketches, I left some sketches out and she snooped," David explained, wishing so badly he could shove her off the bed. 

He kicked her instead. 

"Naked sketches?" Sara asked.

David nodded, flushing red. He had been absolutely mortified when she'd held them up waving them in front of his face, shouting about how her innocence had been lost forever. Such utter bullshit. But she'd kept quiet. Until now. 

"Of Matteo?" Sara asked, smirking knowingly. 

"Yes," he admitted. 

"Scarred for life," Leonie said. 

"I think it's cute, romantic. I'd like someone to sketch me," she said, coming to sit on his other side. 

"Damn now I've got to learn to draw," Leonie said quietly. 

"So your room is really nice David," Sara said. 

"Yeah for a sex den," Leonie teased. 

"Will you fucking stop?" David demanded. 

"You love it," Leonie said.

And he did, secretly he did. He loved how comfortable she was teasing him. How neither of them had changed how they acted or spoke around him. Sara was just as sweet as always. Leonie never once let up on her teasing and he loved it. He would never tell her that though. 

"Are you decorating the new apartment? You should do it like this," Sara suggested. 

"Yeah like at the moment we’re just shoving everything in the apartment. And then when I’m stronger I’ll actually sort it all and like do the decor, we have this one wall that’s blank and I’m going to use it to paint scenes on, like nature-”

"Weird," Leonie said, grinning. 

"No cool what are you thinking?" Sara asked. 

"Like trees and shit," he said. 

Leonie burst out laughing. 

"Trees and shit? We’ve got ourselves a Van Gogh in the making," she said. 

"Would you fuck off?" David said. 

"Be nice Leonie," Sara said. 

"Yeah I thought now you were getting some you'd finally mellow out," David said. 

Leonie gasped, just stared at him, lost for words. 

"Oh, David! Claws out," Sara said. 

She held her hand out and he slapped it. Finally, Leonie smiled looking proud of herself. 

"Ok so there’s this scene I want to paint, it’s this place near my godmother's house, like out in the woods. There's like this clearing, it's really beautiful. I want to paint it with the seasons," he explained. 

As soon as Matteo had shown him the wall he'd wanted to do it. Back when he was a kid the woods were one of the few places he felt safe. Like he could truly be himself out in the trees. And it reminded him of Mel. 

So that's what he wanted, a little of the outdoors in their apartment. Plus lots of birds, he would have them spreading from the wall across the ceiling. Just for Matteo. He would have to be a lot stronger though. But Sam would help so maybe they could get something up there sooner. 

"That is so cool," Sara said. 

"Ok that's really cool," Leonie admitted. 

"Here," David said, handing over his sketchbook with the ideas he’d sketched out. 

He kept hold of the book so that she couldn’t turn the pages. 

“Oh this will look really cool,” Sara said.

Leonie nodded and pulled on the book, trying to look through it.

“No,” he warned.

“Right, of course, don’t want to have to bleach my eyes again,” she said.

“Right so we’re chilling?” Sara said, before they started arguing. “In here or in the living room?” she asked.

“In here? It’s more comfortable if we’re going to be here a while, my laptop’s just over there if we wanna watch a movie,” David said.

“Ok I’ll go get the snacks,” Sara said, walking out of the room.

“How are you doing? I don’t know… I know you don’t like talking about it but, are you ok? With everything, you seem happier,” Leonie said.

David nodded. He was, he really was. He still had those moments when he felt unsure about things but he was starting to accept that was normal. Not many people were as sure and determined as he usually was. Right now he was going through massive changes, more than just the surgery. He was going to reconnect with his parents. He was moving in with Matteo. And he was committed to Matteo always, but it was possible he was going to have to step up, help Matteo thorough whatever was going on. And he would but it probably wasn’t going to be easy. But nothing worth it ever was, he knew that. 

None of the changes were bad but it was a lot to get used to and deal with. But he would be ok. Because he was strong, he could do this. He could’ve probably done it alone, or just him and Laura and that would’ve been enough. But to have all the friends he did now? The family he’d made, he wouldn’t change it for anything. He could never go back to that solitary life. He was starting to realise he was exactly where he wanted to be. He never even thought of leaving anymore, not when Matteo left him and everything felt like it was crashing down around him. Not when his mother showed up and yelled at him while he was just trying to recover. Not when he learnt the truth about his father’s character. 

No now he wanted to stay. Wanted to work at things and push them in the direction he wanted to go. Because he could, by staying he had more control over things than he realised. And that was a good feeling, he’d never realised just how restless he’d been until he finally felt settled.

“I’m good,” he told her.

“Good,” she said, waiting for him to elaborate.

Sara came back in then and sat down on his other side, placing a tray with bowls of grapes and sliced apple, and some fancy looking crackers in front of them. David hadn’t even known they’d owned trays like that.

“Mentally I’m doing ok but last week I had a bit of a low. Everything felt so hard and I was really struggling. I’m not good at being dependent,” he explained.

“But you're doing ok?” Leonie asked.

“Yeah it helped when I finally realised I should stop pushing everyone away,” he said.

Leonie nodded and shuffled closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, he carefully leant into her.

“Do you think maybe you should get help?” Sara asked.

“Yeah. I was adamant I wouldn’t but I think I need to,” he said.

“Might do you good,” Leonie said.

“Yeah I think so, I think I thought I was ok with how everything had gone down and that I had it under control but I think I was just ignoring stuff, I want to talk to someone about how I feel a professional,” he said.

He’d been thinking about it for a while. Ever since Matteo had reminded him that he had access under his care package. And that even if his mood improved it might not be a bad idea. He wanted to talk to someone, about more than his surgery. He wanted to talk about his parents, school, the bullying. How it still affected him now and even though he was managing, was there a better way to cope. And that while he’d made friends how hard it had been for him. And school was still a bubble and he worried about how it would be when he got out into the real world. And a therapist could help him with that.

“That’s so good David,” Leonie said.

“And you’ll be ok,” Sara promised.

He really would.

“So how are you doing physically?” Sara asked.

“I bet you can’t wait to strut around topless,” Leonie teased.

“Stop being mean,” Sara said.

“I mean actually I can’t wait. I really can’t. Like right now Matteo has to help me undress and everything-”

“Ooooh well, I’m sure he doesn't mind that,” Sara joked.

David laughed.

“No it’s literally not sexy at all, like he’s helping me with everything right now but I wanna look all the time so he has to help me strip so I can look,” David told them.

After his initial hesitation, he was now constantly pestering Matteo to help him out of his shirts and vest. He was sure at this point if he was careful he could manage. But why risk it when he had Matteo so willing to help? Matteo never complained either, although David could tell he was a bit amused by all of it. But he never commented, just humoured him. 

“So the unsexy kind of stripping,” Sara said.

“I can’t imagine any kind of stripping with Matteo is sexy,” Leonie said, smirking.

“Hey!” David said he wouldn’t have that. 

There was no need to be rude. And it wasn’t true anyway.

“No, it’s not that just… I’ve known him since we were little kids, he’s like my weird little cousin or something,” she said.

“He’s older than you,” David reminded her.

“Only physically,” she countered.

“But yeah I just keep looking at myself in the mirror, I can’t help myself,” he said.

He had no problem believing it was real now, didn’t need the reminder. But he just wanted to look. She was right when he was healed, and it was a bit warmer he was going to be topless all the time. Especially now they were getting their own place.

“I always knew you would be a vain guy, mirror selfies and all that. I bet you’re gonna start going to the gym in tight vests, holding weights and taking photos, not actually working out or anything,” she teased.

He shoved her where he was leant against her but she barely even moved.

“Fuck off Leonie,” he muttered.

“So we’ve come to the conclusion that you and Matteo are not sexy. Do you want to know what is sexy?”

He absolutely did not.

“Not really,” he said.

“Me and Sara,” she said anyway.

“I said I didn’t want to know,” he said while Sara laughed beside him.

“Well we are just so you know,” Leonie said.

“Nope.”

“Sexier than you,” Leonie said.

“Not possible,” David countered.

“I think you’ll find-”

“Can we both stop being childish?” Sara demanded.

David scowled at Sara then cracked up laughing when he saw Leonie wearing the same expression.

“I just wanted to say, I’m so happy for you David, that everything is going right for you. You’re one of my best friends and the kindest guy I know and if anyone deserves happiness it's you and I just wanted to say that, and I know you don’t always feel comfortable talking with us about some of this stuff and I totally get that but I just hope you know I’m always there for you,” Sara said.

“God Sara,” David whispered.

“Fuck I love you,” Leonie said quietly.

David rolled his eyes, but he knew why.

“Me too though, I’m always going to be there for you, I fought so hard to get you to be my friend I’m never letting you go now,” Leonie promised.

“I love both of you so much, you're the first friends I ever made that stayed,” he whispered.

“And we will always stay,” Sara said, very carefully leaning against him so that all three of them were pressed together.

And he knew she was right, they would be lifelong friends, all of them.

* * *

####  **Mum**

_Mum (Saturday, 18.13): David sorry I haven’t been in touch recently I’ve been in Frankfurt the past few days_

_Mum (18.14): I’m coming home tomorrow_

_Mum (18.16): We can talk about all of this soon_

* * *

David was so confused. His mum was texting him. She’d been texting him a lot, and David didn’t understand why. What was there to talk about exactly. She’d told him she was done with him. And now she wanted what? To be friends? He hadn’t responded to her. He was under the impression she never wanted to speak to him again. So he had no idea why she was texting him. 

He was sitting in the kitchen, finally strong enough to sit on the stool for a little while. Matteo was at the counter making eggs and coffee. It was still early, just after seven, Laura was still sleeping but Matteo was going to work in a bit and David wanted to hang out for a bit before he went. He was ok with him going, it was only to take Ingrid to church, and Laura would be around. Matteo would be back by lunchtime.

David was going to walk with him to the bus stop. They’d argued about it last night, Matteo unhappy about David walking back by himself. But Matteo had given in, as long as David promised to rest for the remainder of the day. Which was dumb but David agreed, just to humour him.

“What's up?” Matteo asked, turning away from the stove.

“What makes you think something’s up?” David asked.

Matteo walked over and placed a cup of coffee in front of him. David smiled at him.

“You're frowning at your phone,” he observed. 

“My mum keeps texting me,” David told him.

“Ok, saying what?” Matteo asked. 

He went back over to the stove and turned it off. He put the eggs on two plates and brought them over.

“No bread?” David asked.

“You’re out,” Matteo said.

“Did you eat it all?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged, looking a little sheepish. He was always eating the bread when he was cooking, actually whenever he was in the kitchen. They ran out pretty quickly these days but Laura hadn’t complained yet.

“What’s your mum saying?” he asked, instead of admitting his crimes.

“Nothing really, just like random shit,” David said, shrugging.

It was nothing weird, just the kind of messages a normal mum would send he supposed. But then how would he know?

“Random shit?” Matteo asked.

“Like she says she's been in Frankfurt the past few days and she's on her way back,” David said. 

“Ok?”

Matteo’s confusion seemed to indicate that it was indeed a normal text to receive from a normal parent. But that wasn’t what he had with his mum or his dad. He’d gone almost two years without speaking to them, couldn’t just start it up again like nothing had changed. Not like Matteo could apparently.

“She said she was never going to speak to me again,” David reminded him.

Because that was the thing, she’d walked out saying they were done, but hadn’t left him alone since. He’d had more messages from her this week than he had the past two years. 

“Well, maybe she forgot,” Matteo said, grinning to himself.

David kicked him under the table. He wasn’t funny. David would not encourage him.

“Ow! Ok maybe she is meaning to text someone else,” Matteo suggested. 

“She's addressed it David. She never once used my name and now she's suddenly using it all the time. Like why now? When she pretty much told me that she wanted nothing more to do with me,” David asked.

Matteo sighed at his distress and reached out and took his hand before he got too wound up.

“Maybe she regrets what she said,” he said quietly.

And maybe that was true, or maybe Matteo was just naive. David hoped it was true, he really did. Maybe he was as naive as Matteo. It seemed so soon. Only a week ago she was practically saying he was dead to her and now she was suddenly on board with all of this? She should be, he was her son she should have no problem with it if she was a decent mother. She’d been so strongly against it for years he just couldn‘t imagine her views changing overnight.

“Already?” David asked. 

“What do you mean already?” 

“She is the most stubborn woman I've ever known she won't give up that quickly,” he said.

Matteo grinned.

“Reminds me of someone I know,” he said, winking at him, then pushing his chair back before David kicked him again.

David grabbed his wrists before he fell and winced at the movement.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

“Preferable to you cracking your head open,” David said, “I… I am a lot like her, only in some ways, I’m pretty stubborn, I get angry quickly, I… I can be mean when I’m feeling defensive,” he said quietly.

He hated that, didn’t want to be like either of them, but especially not her.

“Ok but you’re also super patient, and so so kind, and the best person I know, so all that’s outweighed. Also, all of those things are like protection for you, you've been let down so much it's understandable, it’s not an excuse for you to behave shittily but you don’t, you always apologise when you’re rude,” Matteo said, “but I dunno call her out on it, ask her what she’s playing at,” he suggested.

David picked up his phone.

“Like _what the fuck do you want?_ ” he said as he typed out a message and pressed send.

Matteo looked at him shocked, mouth open at the audacity.

“Jesus that’s brutal, I would never dare speak to my mama like that,” Matteo said.

He was such a goody-two-shoes though, such a mama’s boy. David had no such qualms.

“You love your mum though,” David said, “and what can I say? I've been disrespecting my elders since I was four years old,” he said, placing the phone aside, and giving Matteo his full attention.

They were supposed to be having breakfast together not worrying about his mum.

Matteo just laughed. 

“I bet you were outrageous,” he said. 

“I was pretty bad,” David said, “one time she bought me this dress," he told him. 

“Oh god,” Matteo whispered.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t even a normal dress it was the ugliest thing you’d ever seen. It was made of like green velvet or something, like apparently it was some fashion thing to dress kids like it was fifty years ago. Like I wouldn’t have worn a normal dress but this was a whole other level,” David said, making his disgust clear.

It had had frilly collars and cuffs too and a big belt with a silver buckle, he would’ve looked ridiculous.

"So the problem was the dress was ugly?" Matteo asked, teasing him. 

"No. But like objectively I know what normal dresses look like, this wasn't that. It was a double insult," David said. 

“What did you do?” Matteo asked, getting up and putting the plates in the sink, turning on the taps.

“Burnt it,” David said, grinning.

He remembered his mother’s face when she’d found the blackened remains.

Matteo turned round in shock.

“Oh my god how old were you?” he asked.

“Eight maybe but… apparently it cost like four hundred euros,” David told him laughing.

Obviously, he hadn’t known that at the time, not until his mother started ranting about it. Plus he’d had no concept of money back then anyway. But looking back he couldn’t believe she’d spent so much money on the ugliest dress in creation.

“What? Is that… clothes don’t cost that much, not like kid’s clothes?” Matteo said, so confused by the concept, “my clothes were from the supermarket or just kids shops,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, anything pink or purple I think, never orange but yellow was ok, and it had to be soft so some stuff mama would wash it specially to make it soft first. And if it had birds we had to get it,” Matteo told him.

“I bet you were a junior fashion icon,” David said, just imagining him in all sorts of bright outfits.

He’d seen photos at Julia’s house. There was one that he always liked, Matteo in the brightest lime green trousers he’d ever seen, clashing horribly with a lilac sweater covered in silver stars. It was hideous, but he’d been smiling so widely at the camera, two front teeth missing. David had a picture of it on his phone, much to Matteo’s annoyance. He had a lot of Matteo’s kid pictures on his phone.

He sometimes got nostalgic when Matteo talked about himself as a kid, he wished he’d known him back then. They would have been best friends, he was sure. As long as David didn’t scare him off, he was pretty loud and bossy as a kid. But he didn’t think he would have, they would have clicked back then just as they did now.

“I like to think so,” Matteo joked, helping David down from the stool, they headed to the living room and sat down on the sofa, close together.

David leant against Matteo, they still had a little time before he went to work.

“It was something fancy, like designer? She went mad, it was pretty funny,” David said.

“I’m just imagining you with like the baby version of your angry face standing around furious like a little Victorian doll or something, was your hair messy, when you were little?”

“So messy, Laura would braid it sometimes but it was pretty wild, huge,” David told him, he snuggled further against Matteo but it didn’t hurt so badly anymore, “it suited me though. It never even got that far though, the dresses, I wouldn’t put them on no matter how hard she tried. But dolls? That was a whole thing,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“I used to be really into them, I used to use them to create these extravagant worlds,” David said.

It had started with a dollhouse and in the end, it became some sprawling space fantasy, taking over his room and the hallway outside it. With aliens and all sorts of creatures. The fancy little wooden house was unrecognisable by the end.

“Like the Sims?” Matteo asked.

“Kind of but more fantastical, like in space,” David explained.

“Cool,” Matteo said.

“But like it started with cheap plastic dolls, but then because I was playing with dolls she got excited and she would buy me the fanciest ones and then get upset with _me_ when they got killed,” David said.

“When they got killed?” Matteo repeated, grinning.

“I mean broken, I was a bit rough with them,” David said.

“I can imagine,” Matteo teased, prodding him, “I never really did that,” he said.

“Played with dolls?”

“Played like… imaginary stuff, Jonas did but I never really enjoyed it,” Matteo said.

He took hold of David’s hands and started playing with them.

“What did you play?” David asked him.

Matteo frowned for a second as he thought of something.

“What?”

“I did used to just talk to myself though, when I was really little, and to my toys, that’s kind of imaginary,” Matteo said.

“Cute,” David said, raising their entwined hands and kissing them.

“But I could play games fine, like running around and hiding and stuff. How did the dolls die?” Matteo asked.

“Barbecuing accident,” David said.

Matteo laughed.

“How come you were even allowed near flames?” he asked.

“I think I found a lighter and kept it,” David said.

“David!”

“Yeah I know,” he said, grinning.

He really was a little terror, like Mel used to say.

“You’ve been talking to your dad,” David said, after a few minutes.

“Are you mad?” Matteo asked quietly.

“No… just…”

He wasn’t mad of course not, but he wasn’t happy about it either. Yes, he wanted Matteo to reconnect with his dad. If that was what he wanted he wouldn’t begrudge him that but it all seemed to be happening very quickly. They’d gone from no contact for two years, to texts and phone calls. Long phone calls. Talking at length in Italian. How the hell was it that easy? 

“You are,” Matteo mumbled, squeezing his hands now.

“I'm not, I just I don't understand how you can just let him back into your life like he never did anything wrong,” David said, not wanting to start a fight but it felt a little inevitable.

“Yeah I know but I miss him and-”

“Matteo he let you starve! He left you in danger! Look at how you are now, it's all his fault,” David said.

Matteo’s face fell, he pulled his hands free and moved away, looking down at them, refusing to look at David.

“I'm sorry I didn't mean that there is nothing wrong with how you are,” David insisted.

That wasn't fair at all and David was ashamed of himself. He shouldn’t have said that, yes he was worried but he should never have said that.

“It's fine,” Matteo mumbled.

David reached out and lifted his face, smiling at him until he smiled back.

“No Matteo it's not. It wasn't ok for me to say that, I think part of it is jealousy but I'm worried too, I just don't want you to get hurt, Matteo. He hurt you so badly I just can't bear it, how can you forgive him?” David asked, taking his hands again and squeezing them tight.

“I don't know, is it bad?” Matteo asked, so unsure.

That was David’s fault, he didn’t mean to do that, make him feel uncertain.

“No I don't think so, it's… we're pretty different you and I, when it comes to stuff like this,” David said. 

Matteo took a deep breath.

“I forgive him for leaving and being away when I was little, because I miss him and I want him back. We were so close, I just want that back, maybe it is stupid, maybe I’m a fool but I have a chance here. But David I know it’s not ok, he knows that too, he broke something between us I don't think it can ever be like it was. I’d always thought maybe we could, but I think it’s too late. He abandoned me, I can’t ever forget that, I don’t think I can ever trust him the same again, I’m scared too, but I don’t think he has the power to hurt me again, not like before… David when I was little I was really weird…”

David had suspected as much, he laughed and pressed a kiss to Matteo’s head.

“As opposed to?” he teased.

Matteo shoved him but David just pulled him against him and he relaxed, leaning into him. It didn’t hurt, he was still being careful, leaning against his back not his side like they usually did.

“Fuck you,” he muttered, “but I was, mama was right I was exhausting, she never complained, never snapped at me or anything, but I tired her out. Sometimes she needed a timeout from me. The teachers at school were constantly fed up of me, all the other kids at school thought I was so weird-”

“Jonas?” David asked.

“Jonas thought I was weird but he wanted to hang out anyway, it started because other kids were picking on me and he was so fucking noble even then, but he never left, I love him for that. And I think he just got used to me. But my dad? He was like you,” Matteo told him.

David pulled back and looked at him confused, Matteo smiled.

“Like me?” David asked.

Matteo paused as he figured out how to explain it, he struggled with things like that, explaining things that came naturally, or that he just understood on such a level that there weren’t really any words to describe it.

“Yeah, you don’t even question it and you never get fed up of me-”

“No of course not,” David said, he was never going to let Matteo think that.

But he knew it? He seemed to be aware and even though he doubted it a lot, deep down he knew David was here to stay. And that was such a relief.

“You never get frustrated or bored or need a time out, you never have that look on your face like Jonas sometimes, that kind of _oh that’s just Matteo he’s so odd_ , you just accept me, you just understand me and it doesn’t bother you at all,” Matteo said, staring at him, slightly disbelieving.

David stared back, not looking away.

“Of course not,” he said.

“But… but…” 

“But?” 

"It's more than that? You like… you encourage me, you know to talk and stuff, because you want to listen, you always wait, you don’t mind that I’m a bit silly or strange sometimes, it’s not like you’re humouring me? I don’t even know how to explain it, you’re just perfect," Matteo said, staring right at him, not even blinking, so sincere in his words. 

David blushed and shuffled closer, feeling so shy under his gaze, which was ridiculous. He wasn't shy around Matteo not anymore, but he felt a little overwhelmed by him right now. In a good way, always a good way. 

"All of that is true," he agreed, "that’s how it was when you were a kid? With your dad?" he asked. 

"Yeah…"

Who was he to deny Matteo that? To discourage him from trying to reconnect, that wasn't fair of him. 

"I know it won’t be like that again but… I’ll take whatever I can get and… if he does fuck up, if he does run away again it’ll be ok because…" 

"You have me, you’ll always have me," David promised. 

Matteo nodded and David knew that he knew, the doubts may resurface but he knew. 

"Yeah, I never thought anyone else would ever understand me like that, you’re even better at it, by the way, papa learnt it all in order to be who I needed. Like he was a patient guy but it was still trial and error, learning my limits and stuff. With you, you just know, it’s instinct to you, you just get me on a level I can’t even explain," Matteo said. 

Neither could he, he had never understood it, how he just always knew how to be with Matteo. And he did get it wrong sometimes but that was usually when he was ignoring his instincts. 

"I don’t know how," David said. 

"I know," Matteo said. 

"I just do," David said, it just came naturally to him. 

"Yeah," Matteo agreed. 

"You’re the same," David said, it always felt that way for him too. 

"Yeah, it’s like it just makes sense to me, I just… I know what you need, I've never been able to do that before. David, I know when to leave you alone and… I know when to push you,” he said.

"Yeah you get scared of pushing but you’re so brave you do it anyway, is it… are you scared because of how I was with you before we got together properly?" he asked. 

He knew he probably shook Matteo's already low confidence back then. Matteo frowned for a second, then shook his head. 

"No I get that now, and you’d never be cruel to me," he said. 

"I snap at you sometimes," David said. 

"Like three times, each time you’ve been in a terrible place," Matteo countered. 

"Yeah," David agreed. 

They both looked up as a sleepy Laura came out of her room, yawning as she headed to the kitchen. 

"There's coffee," David called out. 

"Thank you, Matteo," she called back. 

Matteo grinned at him, David just rolled his eyes. 

"I can handle it you know, I’m not… you won’t ever scare me away, I know you love me and you’d never hurt me," Matteo said. 

"Never," David said. 

Laura came back in and sat opposite them, cup of coffee in hand. 

"Why are you up so early?" she asked. 

"Matteo has church," David told her. 

"Cute,” she said, grabbing a book and settling back in the chair.

Laura was a morning person but she took a long time to wake, not one for early conversation but happy to sit with them. 

"Do you… do you want to talk about being jealous?" Matteo asked after a few quiet minutes. 

"Not really," David admitted. 

"Ok," Matteo said, not pushing, knowing David would tell him anyway when he was ready. 

And David knew he had to talk about it. 

"But I should," he said. 

"You absolutely don’t have to," Matteo said. 

"Ok," David said. 

"Are you really jealous of me?" Matteo asked carefully. 

David sighed. Was he? Maybe a bit, or more like a lot over one particular thing. He glanced at Laura, she was pretending to read her book but David knew she was listening. 

"Yeah I know I shouldn’t be, you’ve had things so hard as a kid, but what your mum was talking about, how it was for the three of you before it all went to shit? I _never_ had that, and it hurt, just the idea of them spending time with you, playing games, just all that stuff god I’m jealous, it’s all normal stuff right? That’s how parents should be, they love you so much Matteo, I know things went wrong, so wrong, but they love you, they never stopped," he explained. 

"No you deserved that too," Matteo said, he looked over at Laura, "you both did," he said. 

She smiled at him. 

"I was jealous too, of your mum," she admitted. 

And she got it, of course she did. 

"We did, they should have been better, they should have fucking tried but I guess there’s no point dwelling on it," David said, it wouldn't fix anything, would probably just make him bitter. 

"No you’re allowed, you’re allowed to be upset about it but… don’t let it take over, don’t do what I did and let it affect your other relationships, and it’s entirely your choice but… it seems like you may have a second chance and it’ll never be like what you deserved, but you could give it a chance," Matteo said. 

"I’m still so unsure," he said. 

He wanted it so badly, even more since Matteo had reached out to his dad. But what if it was a mistake, what if his desperation was clouding his judgement? 

"That's fine, David you are so strong, you can let them in now and if they are shit I know you’re strong enough that it won't break you, and if they’re not shit or… less shitty than we’re expecting then you win," Matteo said. 

"Oh," David said because of course, it wasn't that black and white, of course, there were more than two options here. This was a process, not a choice, they could all just try and see where they ended up. 

"But they've got to be sorry, they’ve got to be so fucking sorry for what they did because your mum rejecting you like that? That’s fucking horrifying, I am all for forgiving, even that but she's got to be fucking sorry first and your dad allowing it to happen? I know he’s said sorry but I still don't think he understands just how serious this is, the ramifications, the effect this will have on you for the rest of your life. This is not going to be easy for any of you, they can be sorry and they can understand but all of this has to be done at your pace, you are the one that was hurt, you are the one who gets to control this," Matteo said. 

Laura met David's eye across the room, and he knew his expression mirrored hers. He was always shaken and so impressed when Matteo spoke with such conviction, especially when it was about him. 

"Matteo," he whispered. 

"I… I believe them, that they can change, that they can be better, that they can be sorry and they can apologise but they’ve let you down your entire life, they have to fucking work for this, they have to," he insisted. 

"Yeah," David said, what else could he say to that?

And David realised he didn’t have to worry at all about Matteo and his dad. It seemed like it had all been too easy but it clearly wasn’t. He’d clearly already had this conversation with his dad, possibly with his mum some time ago. He forgave them, yes, but he didn’t forget that they had hurt him. That would always be there. But they could still manage to have a relationship, and maybe he could too.

And he’d probably never be as close to his parents as Matteo was to his, hell he would probably be closer to Matteo’s mum than he ever would be to his own. And when he inevitably met his dad he would try, he would put his dislike aside for Matteo’s sake. 

"We will never be like them,” Matteo said, and David had never heard him so sure of anything. 

"No we won't," he agreed. 

"We're going to be so much better, than them, than my parents too," Matteo said. 

"We are going to be amazing," David promised, "church?" he asked, as Matteo stood up. 

Matteo nodded, shrugging on his jacket, then grabbing David's as he put on his shoes. He knelt down and slipped David's feet into his trainers, lacing them carefully. 

The first time he'd tried to do that he'd fucked it up, gotten confused doing it the other way round. David had never even thought about it, couldn't tell the difference, just a Matteo quirk he supposed. 

"Wait, are _you_ going to church?" Laura asked, looking at him, lips pursed at his joggers and slightly dirty hoodie. 

Matteo was dressed better, dark grey trousers and a button-up under his woollen sweater. 

"No," David said pointedly, "I'm walking Matteo to the bus stop," he said. 

"Thank goodness I didn't want you to be struck down the moment you walked in," she said. 

Matteo grabbed his hand and pulled him carefully towards the door. 

"Fuck off Laura!" he shouted as they left, he could hear her laughing as the door closed. 

As they walked along David thought about what he'd just said, they were going to be amazing. He had no idea what the future had in store for them. But they would be together and they would be amazing. 

* * *

####  **Dad**

_Dad (Sunday, 12.45): David, last week Laura emailed me over some copies of the rental contract, wanted a second opinion. She’d made notes, given it a thorough looking over_

_Dad (12.47): But it all looked good_

_Dad (12.48): I offered to sign but she said Matteo’s mother wanted to, and to be your guarantor_

_David (12.50): Yeah she already has_

_Dad (12.51): That’s fine, it’s a good contract, nothing dodgy, so when do you move in?_

_David (12.55): Next Saturday_

_Dad (12.59): Right at the moment I’m paying your rent and bills direct_

_Dad (13.01): Do you want me to start paying into your bank account?_

_Dad (13.03): It will be a good lesson for you in managing money I think_

_David (13.05): Ok_

_David (13.06): Thank you dad_

_Dad (13.07): No problem_

_Dad (13.09): Do you know what you're doing, with the bills and stuff?_

_David (13.11): Matteo does_

_David (13.12): He used to handle it at home_

_Dad (13.14): Oh? That’s unusual_

_David (13.16): Yeah. But he knows what he’s doing, he’s good at organising that sort of thing_

_David (13.17): He has a spreadsheet for our budget, rent, bills, food, everything, even clothes and stuff for school. I’ll ask him and I’ll let you know how much I’ll need, he’s really good at this he’ll probably get it right_

_Dad (13.18): Sounds like a smart guy_

_David (13.20): Yeah he is_

_Dad (13.21): I’m glad you’re happy with him, that you’ve found someone to settle down with_

_Dad (13.22): You’re going to be very happy together_

_Dad (13.23): This is such a good step for you_

_David (13.25): Yeah_

_David (14.01): Would you like to come visit?_

_David (14.02): Once we move in_

_Dad (14.03): I would love too_

_David (14.05): It doesn’t mean it's going to become a regular thing or that everything’s ok between us_

_David (14.06): But we need to talk_

_Dad (14.08): We do, just let me know and I’ll be there_

* * *

“I don't appreciate your foul text messages David,” his mother snapped, as she walked into the apartment and frowned like she always did. 

“I don't appreciate you texting me at all,” David countered, sitting back on the couch.

He didn’t have the energy to deal with her today. She looked shocked at his disinterest.

“Excuse me?” she demanded.

She moved round the sofa to stand in front of him, refusing to sit, looking like she wanted to disinfect every surface. God, she was such a snob. The place was perfectly clean and tidy, as if Laura would let them live in squalor

“You told me we were done. Then you’re texting me all your life updates? What all your socialite friends dropped you now dad’s not interested?” David spat.

He was not going to go easy on her, she’d come in there to attack him, he wasn’t going to stand for it.

But she didn’t fight, just sighed and leant against the table.

“Yes actually if you must know,” she said quietly.

David raised an eyebrow at that admission.

“Well you can't just bother me now that you're lonely,” he said. 

That just wasn’t fair, she couldn’t want him now just because she had no one else.

“You’re the only person who reads them, my messages, even though you don't respond,” she said, moving toward the sofa again.

David sat up angrily, how dare she do this to him?

“You can't fucking do this, I am your child. You can't just disown me one minute, then want to chat because you're lonely,” he insisted furiously. 

Then to his surprise, his mother began to cry.

“I've fucked up, I've fucked everything up so badly,” she said. 

David had never heard his mother speak like this. Almost never heard her curse, never heard her drop the haughty voice she always put on. He didn't know what to do with the crying woman in front of him. But he couldn't forgive her now, not when she wanted this for all the wrong reasons.

The front door swung open and Matteo called out.

“Hey are you up for coming outside later? I have the best thing to show you and oh-”

Matteo bounded into the room absolutely covered from head to toe in mud and leaves, it dripped from him, all over the floor. Laura was going to go mad. There were branches in his hair and scratches all up his arms.

David got up from the sofa and walked over to him, inspecting the scratches, they weren’t deep but they’d need cleaning.

“Jesus fuck Matteo, what the hell?” he demanded.

“And who is this?” his mum asked, the haughty affectation back in place.

“Matteo, my boyfriend,” David said, staring her down, waiting for whatever comment she had about that.

She looked him up and down, lips pursed in disapproval, but there was something there behind her eyes that if David knew her better would say could be amusement.

Matteo oblivious to the tension in the room stuck out his muddy hand in greeting. 

“Hi!” he said breathlessly. 

His mother stared at the absolutely filthy hand in front of her and didn't move. Matteo blinked and withdrew his hand, frowning in confusion before he realised how dirty he was and laughed. He wiped his hands on his shirt but didn’t offer them again.

“Matteo,” David said softly, “this is my mother.”

The laughter stopped immediately and that cold expression was back, the one he'd only seen one other time, in the bar with Ben. 

“Oh,” Matteo said. 

He schooled his face into one void of emotion.

“Matteo?” 

“Are you ok?” Matteo asked him, moving closer, searching his face for any signs of distress. 

“I'm fine,” David insisted, and was surprisingly true.

He was angry sure but he was ok.

“Then I'm just going to go, I'll say something awful if I stay,” Matteo said. 

He turned to leave and David let him but then he froze.

“How could you be so awful?” he whispered.

“Matteo,” David warned.

“I just… one thing, please,” Matteo said, his voice so quiet.

David nodded and his mother glanced between them nervously. Matteo approached her.

"Loving David is the easiest thing I've ever done, it's both simple and so so complex. It's as natural to me as breathing and at the same time, it feels absolutely impossible that I even get this, that he loves me back. So for you to reject that love? To reject him, your own fucking son for the simple reason of him being who he wants to be? That is horrifying to me. That you could even call yourself a parent and do that. David is even stronger than I first realised, to tolerate you and your bullshit. That’s why you’re here right now, isn’t it? Not because you’ve realised what a shitty person you are, but because you’re lonely. You have nothing now right?”

His mother flinched like she'd been slapped. Matteo took a step closer, and David moved closer too, just in case.

“Right I thought so. You don't get to walk in here now and take him for granted, to take him back because you know he wants your love more than anything. As cool as he plays it he wants you to love him, and I get that, it’s his fucking right. But you don't get to do that. He has a family. He has me and Laura and my mum, and all our friends. He doesn't need you. So you need to fucking work for it, you need to work so fucking hard to deserve it, you need to be a decent fucking mum and a decent fucking person at that. You don’t get to demand this of him, I won’t let you. Go away and fucking think about the fucking damage you’ve done, and then you can spend the rest of you life trying to earn his forgiveness. And I… I... sorry,” he said glancing at David worriedly as he lost his train of thought, knowing he’d probably overstepped.

But it was everything David had wanted to say and wouldn’t.

“Nothing you said was wrong,” David said gently.

Matteo nodded.

“Ok I'll go now, er... text me when whatever this is over and I'll come get you. If you're up for it I wanna show you Ingrid's garden,” he said, smiling slightly again.

“Oh, so that's the mud?” David asked.

Matteo grinned now. 

“No that was just to be sexy for you,” he said, then flushed red when he remembered their audience.

He ducked his head and walked out without another word. 

“You should leave too,” David said, sitting back down tiredly.

“David,” his mother whispered.

“I’m not… I never wanted to cut you out of my life. That was all you but I don't want to be your friend. I want to be your son. I am your child and you are my parent and you need to fucking work on that, you and dad because you've both been terrible. I will give you a chance but I'm not going to be your friend just because you're lonely,” David insisted. 

“Where did you learn to be so wise?” she asked.

“Not from you or dad, I learnt it from Laura, and Mel, and from all the people that took me in and accepted me as family without condition after you rejected me,” he said, “I learnt it from him,” he said looking at the door Matteo had just gone through.

“I… am… sorry,” she whispered. 

And David knew that was probably the hardest thing she'd ever said but it was barely a gesture at this point. There was no easy fix for this. He couldn't just forgive her not after everything she’d done.

It was going to take time. 

She'd rejected him in minutes but it would take years to heal this. 

Matteo waited for him outside the apartment until his mother left and came straight back up to check on him as soon as she’d gone. David didn’t know if he said anything to her, but he doubted it. But David was ok. He was angry and sad, but at the same time, he was almost hopeful. A small part of him still believed they could get through this. Not get back what they had, because that wasn’t worth anything at this point. But with hard work, especially on his mother’s part, then perhaps they could build a relationship.

And if they couldn’t then he would have to let it go.

David tried to convince Matteo that he was fine to take the bus but Matteo wasn’t having any of it. He made them take a taxi all the way to Ingrid’s house. David was pretty sure if Matteo could’ve gotten hold of a wheelchair he would’ve done and would’ve wheeled him around everywhere. David just allowed his fussing, it was nice. It was just how Matteo was, his nature. He liked to care for people.

But they made it to Ingrid’s and now he was standing in the middle of the front lawn, which was unrecognisable. It was still just as wild, but it was so different from how it had looked the first time he was here. David hadn’t looked properly the other day but he took his time to look round now. Gone was the tangled dying yellow grass, the waist-high weeds, and the nettles. Matteo had gotten rid of all the rubbish and abandoned items. And now it looked like a meadow. 

The grass was still long, but lush and green, soft where it brushed against David’s fingertips. Matteo had planted bushes and flowers, pale pinks and purples, yellows and reds. David knew very little about gardening but he could see the work Matteo had put in. It was beautiful.

“Wow Matteo, this is amazing,” David whispered, “did you do all this?”

Matteo smiled, his cheeks pink with pride.

“Yeah I did,” he said, “come through and see the back, we can go down the side,” Matteo said, leading David to a side gate.

David hadn’t seen the back garden either time he’d visited, he followed Matteo down the side of the house and stopped dead when they reached the back garden. It was huge, David had never seen a garden this big in the city. It was just like the front garden wild and overgrown but beautiful, colourful flowers and plants everywhere. Matteo led him over to some bluish-purple flowers.

“These are wild lilacs, for the bees,” Matteo said.

“It’s really cool Matteo,” David said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, have you shown Ingrid?” David asked.

“Yes! She loves it, she’s so excited she wants to have a garden party, with people from church,” Matteo said.

“And are you going to help?” David asked.

“Yeah but I told her to wait until it was a bit warmer,” Matteo said.

“Smart.”

“So I thought we could hang out here this afternoon, get out of the house for a bit,” Matteo said.

“That’s nice,” David said quietly.

He didn’t want to go back home yet and think about the argument he’d just had. Although he knew they were going to talk about it. 

“Hungry?” Matteo asked.

He was fussing of course.

“Not yet, I'm ok Matteo,” David promised. 

Matteo looked him over then started tugging at his hoodie. 

“I’m warm enough Matteo,” David said before Matteo could even think of giving him another jumper.

And he was, it was milder today, and Matteo felt the cold, not him. He was comfortable enough in the zip-up hoodie and a jacket Matteo had forced on him before they left. Matteo was wearing two, plus his sweater, plus his blue jacket, but he was always cold.

Matteo led them over to the large tree with low drooping branches in the corner of the garden. It was darker and secluded down here, David loved it. Matteo carefully carried a large wicker chair from the patio, plus some cushions over to the tree for David as he couldn’t get down onto the ground. Matteo sat down by his feet, leaning against his legs. He didn’t say anything.

“I’m not upset,” David insisted.

Matteo just looked up at him, head tilted back, searching his face.

“I’m not,” David repeated.

“It’s ok if you are,” Matteo said, facing forwards again.

“I just think it's not fair,” David said.

“Ok? Because she suddenly wants to be part of your life?” Matteo asked.

“How fucking dare she, Matteo?” David demanded.

He wanted to lean forward, wave his arms, get across how frustrated he was but he couldn’t. Matteo didn’t turn around this time, just leant further against him and took his hands, squeezing them. David was glad he didn’t turn around, glad he wasn’t looking at him right now or he knew he would be crying. Which was fine he just needed to get all this out first.

“I’m so angry but at the same time it hurt, sending her away hurt me, how fucked up is that?” David asked.

He felt bad, he felt bad that he’d asked her to leave. After everything, _he_ felt bad.

“It makes sense,” Matteo said quietly.

“Does it?” David demanded, trying not to raise his voice.

But he was angry.

Matteo turned around now and knelt up so that he was closer.

“Yes David it does,” he promised. “You have a right to want her to love you,” he said.

“So I should forgive her?” David asked.

“Not necessarily and not right away, you don’t have to do anything yet,” Matteo said. 

“It’s not fair,” he said.

“I know,” Matteo agreed.

He sighed and tilted his head back, looking up into the branches of the imposing trees. If he were stronger he’d want to climb this. He could try and get Matteo up there too, although that would probably end in tears.

“Am I keeping you from work?” David asked, looking back down at him.

“Nah I'm done for the day, Ingrid is napping. I just wanted to show you the garden,” Matteo said.

“Cool.”

“We can stay here as long as you want, Ingrid won’t mind,” Matteo said.

“Thank you. We used to have a proper garden, out in the house in Furstenberg before we moved to the city,” David told him.

“Did you like it?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah, it wasn't like this, wild. It was pristine. Someone came round and cut the grass once a week, but there were trees. I used to climb them all the time, fell out and broke my arm once,” David said, remembering the trip to the emergency room, the pinched expression on his mother’s face. The grin on Laura’s when he let her sign his cast.

“Bet that didn’t stop you,” Matteo said.

“No it didn't but I didn’t fall again,” David said.

“Well done you,” Matteo said, rolling his eyes.

“Have you ever even climbed a tree?” David asked him.

He knew the answer was no, although Ingrid had said he'd gotten up on the roof once. 

Matteo laughed.

“Er... no? I don’t think so I was pretty clumsy as a kid too,” he said.

“Not surprised,” David said.

“Rude,” Matteo muttered.

“Did you even go outside?” David asked, winding him up now.

“Yes David,” Matteo said. 

“When?”

“Skating and stuff,” Matteo said.

“And stuff?”

“Like on my bike and stuff, and…”

There was something else he was obviously hesitant to tell David about.

“And?” David prompted.

“I used to play football sometimes with Jonas and the boys,” Matteo admitted.

David sat up in the chair.

“Matteo-”

“No,” Matteo said firmly.

“But we could-”

“Absolutely not,” he said.

“Matteo.”

“David.”

“You’re no fun sometimes,” David said, sitting back, but he didn’t mind not really.

“Never said I was. So climbing trees, football? Exploring abandoned buildings?”

“That was when we moved to the city,” David explained.

“Weren’t you scared, exploring at night?” Matteo asked.

David thought about it, he supposed he should’ve been. A young teenager wandering the streets at night but he never was. More afraid of getting caught over anything else. He never did miraculously or he would have been locked away in his room.

“Not really,” he said.

“Braver than me,” Matteo said.

“What did you do then? Hole up in your room on the Xbox?” David asked.

“Fuck off, on my computer actually,” Matteo said.

David laughed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Thanks,” he said.

“For what?”

“What you said to my mum,” David said.

“It wasn’t- I didn’t mean to say all that,” Matteo said.

“I’m glad you did, it’s exactly how I felt,” David said.

Matteo had somehow put all his hurt into words. And it had shocked her, hurt her, and that was what was needed. She needed to see from an outsider just how despicable her behaviour had been. 

“I think I upset her,” Matteo said.

“I think maybe she needed to be upset, I think maybe now she’ll go away and think about it,” David said.

“Hopefully, and if she does?” Matteo asked.

“If she tries, I'll try,” David decided.

That wasn't a commitment to anything anyway. And there was always a chance that she wouldn't bother anyway. 

“That’s fair,” Matteo said.

“How are you doing?” David asked, he felt like he was taking up all of Matteo’s attention with him right now.

But he needed it and Matteo didn't mind, they were both starting to get that now. 

But Matteo had gone to therapy last week and they hadn’t even talked about it yet. He'd come back quiet and David had given him space but then in all the fuss of his recovery and their move it had been… not forgotten but overlooked. 

Matteo smiled and leant against him.

“I’m fine,” he said.

David believed him but he waited.

“What?” Matteo asked.

“If you’re not fine it’s ok,” David said.

“I… I'm worried,” Matteo admitted.

“About moving?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Is that why you spent all your time here clearing out the garden?” David asked.

“It was something to focus on. And once I started I had to finish it. But I’ve been at this since…”

“Since you dumped me?” David asked.

“David,” Matteo warned, looking devastated.

David grinned.

“What that’s what happened isn’t it?” he teased.

“Please don’t,” Matteo whispered.

“Come here then,” David said.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo said, carefully climbing into David’s lap, leaning against the arm of the chair, close to him, but not pressing against him.

David placed his hands on his waist to steady him.

“I know you are. I'm winding you up, Matteo, it was barely a break-up. I knew it wasn’t over, you knew it wasn’t over, that I wasn’t just going to let you walk away. Essentially it was a week of both of us being miserable,” David said, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“But I'm-”

“I don’t need you to keep saying sorry, I forgave you already, I need you to forgive yourself,” David said.

“I’m trying,” Matteo said. 

“I know, ok so what’s making you anxious?” David asked.

“There’s so much to do, so much to pack and I've just been ignoring it,” Matteo said. “On Saturday I was supposed to pack, but I just hung out with Hans,” he admitted.

“Ok but you don’t have that much stuff, you could easily pack in a day and Hans is going to help you,” David assured him, "and so are the boys," he reminded him. 

“I’m still nervous,” Matteo said.

“That’s ok, you know it’s ok to be scared and still want to do this,” David said.

“And you won’t get annoyed?” Matteo asked.

“No Matteo,” David promised.

“I’m scared you’ll get annoyed with me,” Matteo said.

“But I won’t,” David said, shaking his head fondly.

“I’ll be really good, I'll keep it really tidy, and I'll cook and-”

No. No. No. 

“Stop that!” David said, desperately wanting to reach out and grab his shoulders, but he couldn’t so he squeezed his waist where he held him. 

“But I will,” Matteo promised.

And he would and he really thought that’s how he wanted it, how things needed to be and that wasn’t right and David had to put a stop to this right now.

“No stop that right now,” David said, “stop it!” he felt himself panicking, he didn’t like this at all. 

It scared him.

Matteo stared at him.

“Don’t do that, don’t you dare,” David said, still squeezing him, making it clear that he wanted Matteo to listen to him.

“I…”

“Matteo we are moving in together,” David began. 

“I know and-”

“No it’s going to be a home, for both of us, you are not to stress over keeping it immaculate, and you cook if you want to not because you have to, ok? I am not going to get annoyed at you Matteo,” David promised.

“But-”

“I’m not, the place could end up an absolute pigsty and I won’t care, Matteo, please don’t stress over this, please,” David begged.

Matteo blinked at him.

“You’re upset,” he said.

“It scares me,” David admitted.

“Scares you?” Matteo asked, so confused.

“When you think like this it scares me, I don’t know how to make you see,” David said.

“I… I… don’t know either,” Matteo said.

David took his hand.

“I should talk to Lea? Do you think?” 

“I think that’s a good idea, you’re seeing her again on Wednesday?”

“Yeah," Matteo said.

David felt a bit calmer. 

"Did you make the appointment with the doctor?" David asked, he didn't know if it was something he did with Lea or separately. 

If it was separate then he hadn't done it. 

Matteo shook his head. 

David just waited not pushing him, so he wouldn't panic and try to make excuses. 

"I don’t want to," Matteo said quietly. 

David ran a hand down his arm. 

"I know," he said. 

"I have to?" 

"Yeah I think so," David said. 

He wasn't going to force Matteo but this was important and he wasn't going to let it go. 

"Ok I will, I have the number. Will… will you sit with me later when I call?" 

“Of course," David promised. 

"And if I can’t, can we try again tomorrow?" Matteo asked. 

"As long as you need Matteo," David said, pressing a kiss to his temple and holding him as close as he could. 

Which wasn't nearly close enough. 

“And I'll tell Lea about this… stress thing, I don’t think this is about you, or it is but it’s about what it used to be like, before at my mama’s house,” Matteo explained.

“Talk about that too, and you can with me as well,” David promised. 

“I think I'll talk with Lea first, I think… David, I think there’s a lot blocked out, and I think I want to talk about it but it’s all confused in my head,” Matteo said.

David stroked his face and kissed him gently. Matteo sighed and relaxed, leaning his forehead against his. 

“Lea can probably help you sort it out,” he said.

“Yeah, she’s pretty good. She’s mean to me though,” Matteo said.

“Mean?” David asked.

“Yeah like sometimes when I say I don’t know, she’s like ‘but I think you do Matteo’,” Matteo explained.

David laughed, she sounded good. 

“And do you?”

“Yeah but she’s pushy,” Matteo said.

“Do you like that?”

“Yeah, at first it was really awkward, she was like too gentle with me and so I wouldn’t really talk but now she gets it and she’s mean and pushy but in a nice way, and I talk a lot. It’s… I never thought I'd be able to talk about all this stuff,” Matteo said.

“That’s good then,” David said.

“We’ve talked about my mama and papa,” Matteo told him.

“Yeah?”

“She promises nothing will happen unless I wanted it to,” Matteo said.

“What do you mean?”

“Like you said I'm over eighteen so she has to leave it alone unless-”

“Matteo I need to ask you something,” David said.

He couldn’t keep this to himself anymore, it had been weighing on his mind for weeks now.

“Ok?”

“Did your mum hurt you?” David asked.

Matteo said nothing and his silence was enough.

“Matteo?”

“She never meant to,” Matteo said.

“That’s not ok though,” David stressed, but he knew it was complicated.

“She thought she was protecting me, she wasn’t well. She didn’t know what she was doing, she never… she would just hold me too tight sometimes, or pull me away from whatever it was she was seeing, that was all but sometimes there were bruises but she didn’t mean to hurt me,” Matteo said. 

And David understood, it wasn’t ok but he understood.

“But that wasn’t ok that shouldn’t have happened to you,” David said.

“I know that, but I… she didn’t… it wasn’t ok was it?” he asked quietly.

“No Matteo,” David said.

"It's why her and papa fought that time, when I fought him, he saw the bruises on my arms and went mad, but she'd been trying to leave in the middle of the night and I just wanted to keep her safe. He didn't understand," Matteo said. 

"I… I'm on your dad's side on this one, you shouldn't be protecting her at the expense of yourself," David insisted. 

And he could see Matteo processing and understanding and he felt cruel, so cruel as he realised.

"It wasn't ok," Matteo whispered. 

"No, it wasn't," David said. 

“But I’m ok or I’m going to be and I just… I can’t be mad at her,” Matteo said.

And ten months ago he would have argued with him, hell ten weeks ago he would have fought him on that. But it wasn't nearly that simple. She hadn't meant to hurt him, he believed him about that. It didn't make it ok but if Matteo wanted to forgive her, that was his choice. It wasn't David's place to try and take that from him. He trusted Matteo and his decisions. 

“You don’t have to be,” David said.

“What she did was wrong but I can still love her,” Matteo said.

“Of course,” David said.

“And I talked to Lea about some of this and I told her I didn’t want to confront her about it, because she doesn’t remember, or maybe she does. But she does know it was bad in the past and she’s sorry, David she’s so sorry,” Matteo said.

“Is that enough for you?” David asked.

“Yes.”

Then it was enough. 

“Then that’s fine, you can forgive her Matteo,” David said.

“I have, I have,” Matteo said.

“Good.”

Matteo deserved a good relationship with her, with both of them. As jealous as it made him sometimes he didn't begrudge him any of it. 

“But while I don’t want to confront her on anything, I do need to talk about this with her, about my depression and also how anxious I am and how much of that is probably linked to my childhood. I'll wait until after the doctor. It’s going to be hard but I think it will help us,” Matteo said.

“It is hard, but it will help you heal,” David said.

“You’re thinking the same thing?”

“Yeah for both my mum and my dad, I think if I want this it’s gonna be a lot more difficult conversations,” David said.

“But it might be worth it,” Matteo said.

And he was right, it might be worth it. And he'd never know unless he gave it a chance. And maybe it wouldn’t work out, but if he didn’t try he’d never know. And if it did work out, he could gain back everything he’d lost, everything he’d wanted since he was a child.

* * *

####  **FACTION WARS 2020 🏳🌈⚠⚔🤺🥳🌈**

_Tay invited you to the group “FACTION WARS 2020 🏳🌈⚠⚔🤺🥳🌈”_

_Inge, Rene, Andreas, and Ralf left_

_Karl, Carsten, Mark, Carolin, Angelika, Gray, and Phillip left_

_Marcel, Nadine, Elisabeth, Daniel, and Marie left_

_Astrid left_

_Petra left_

_Ilse and Alys left_

_Tay (Monday, 19.13): Good Evening everyone and welcome to the upcoming FACTION WARS_

_Tay (19.14): The first official battle will be next Thursday_

_Tay (19.15): Battle 1: THE CUPCAKE SOCIAL_

_Tay (19.20): The rules are as follows you may choose to align to up to three factions and rank them, and then me and the magical spreadsheet young Matteo made me, shoutout to him, will calculate the scores_

_Tay (19.22): So yes next Thursday at the student union bring your best cupcakes, and pledge your allegiances_

_Lucy (19.33): jfc there are over three hundred people in this chat_

_Tay (19.35): I added everyone who’s in the society_

_Chloe (19.37): I am so excited_

_Rita left_

_Sasha (19.45): I love those people who immediately left_

_Jon (19.46): Like they weren't even hearing it_

_Niklas (19.48): I was tempted_

_Tay (19.51): Don't you dare Nik_

_Veronika (19.55): I also don’t want to be part of this gc_

_Tay (20.01): Look it’s an announcement only chat ok, let's keep it to that, so all of you who hate getting messages don't freak out_

_Susi (20.04): Oh I’m sorry that you love your phone blowing up_

_Susi (20.05): But not everyone does_

_David (20.06): Already at almost fifty notifications guys_

_Matteo left_

_Tay (20.08): Ouch_

_David (20.09): We just had an argument over which one of us needed to stay in the group, I lost because it’s my fault we’re friends_

_Lucy (20.10): Brilliant_

_Tay (20.12): Ok no more chatting this is an official faction wars news only chat_

_Veronika (20.14): Fine_

_Tay (20.15): No more chatting_

_Tay (20.19): Announcement: The Universities and Schools of Berlin LGBTQ+ Society Faction Wars will commence on Thursday 12th March with a Cupcake Social Contest, everyone who takes part will earn 30 points for their top faction, 20 for their second and 10 for their third. Third place will earn an additional, 50, 25, and 10 points, second place will earn 100, 50, and 25, and first will earn 300, 200, 100_

_Jon (20.22): Will that work?_

_Tay (20.25): We need numbers first and then if it doesn't balance Matteo will do something to the maths. I don’t get it but it looks clever_

_Tia (20.28): Will we actually win prizes?_

_Jon (20.30): You get to eat cake_

_Tia (20.31): I’d rather have a prize_

_Tay (20.32): This is not a forum this is an announcement channel_

_Tia (20.33):_ 🙄

_David (20.35): Hi I’m sorry for leaving it’s Matteo, do you want me to show you how to make a group chat where only you and select people can post?_

_Tay (20.38): Even though you recently betrayed me yes that would be great_

_David (20.40): Ok add me again and make me an admin I’ll sort it_

_Tay (20.42): Ooh I didn't know you could do that_

_Tay added Matteo_

_Matteo (20.50): Ok now only admins can send messages, that’s just you and me for now and you can take me off now_

_Tay (20.52): Can you stay on? I won’t bother you much but if you just help me manage the group?_

_Matteo (20.58): Ok_

_Matteo (21.01): I can also delete the messages from before to tidy it up_

_Tay (21.03): Yeah we can probably delete everything after my announcement_

_Tay (21.04): But I like this_

_Tay (21.05): No backchat_

_Matteo (21.06): Are you done?_

_Tay (21.08): It’s a lot of power_

_Tay (21.09): Ok I’m done_

* * *

####  **ok.cool**

_Carlos (Tuesday, 22.09): Ok boys I’ve got boxes, I picked them up this afternoon, plus packing tape and markers_

_Carlos (22.10): I’m ready to be the most helpful friend you can imagine_

_Carlos (22.11): Take note boys_

_Jonas (22.12): Is there a plan?_

_David (22.13): Not really_

_Abdi (22.15):_ 😱

_Abdi (22.16): But you’re moving on Saturday_

_David (22.17): I don’t have that much stuff_

_David (22.18): Plus I’ve got offers of help from like ten people now I’m sure we’ll manage_

_Jonas (22.19): Wow alright mister popular_

_Abdi (22.21): I guess we’re not needed_

_David (22.23): You are I promise_

_David (22.27): Can you guys help Matteo pack up his room on Friday?_

_Carlos (22.28): Of course_

_Abdi (22.29): Friday at the WG?_

_Abdi (22.31): We’ll box up your life Matteo_

_Matteo (22.33): I don’t have much_

_Jonas (22.35): What about stuff from your mum’s house?_

_Jonas (22.45): Matteo?_

_Carlos (22.48): Luigi?_

_Matteo (23.01): Would you come with me?_

_Carlos (23.02): Of course_

_Matteo (23.03): You can’t come inside except Jonas_

_Abdi (23.04): We know_

_Abdi (23.05): It’s cool_

_Abdi (23.07): I’m borrowing a van from my cousin, we can load it up if you bring stuff outside and then we’ll head to the WG and pick up the rest_

_Matteo (23.09): No if we do the WG first because mum’s is closer to the new flat_

_Carlos (23.11): Smart_

_Matteo (23.15): Hans is helping too we’ll be ready for you by midday_

_Jonas (23.17): Ok and we’ll take stuff straight to the apartment_

_Matteo (23.24): Oh mama has some furniture_

_Carlos (23.26): Ok I’m strong I can lift furniture 💪_

_David (23.28): I’ll text the boys from football_

_Matteo (23.29): Smart_

_Carlos (23.31): Fuck you David_

_Matteo (23.35): It’s like a sofa_

_Matteo (23.37): and a table and bookcase and stuff, it’s all old, it’s nice but it’s heavy wood like it can’t be taken apart_

_Carlos (23.39): Fine text the fucking footballers_

* * *

David opened the door to his apartment and found Matteo's mother on the threshold staring around the hallway warily. But not in the stuck up way his own mother had, more with concern that he lived like this. 

Unsure why she was there he hesitantly invited her in. 

“Hello David darling, I brought more food, for both of you boys and Laura too,” she said. 

“Er… ok, Matteo's not here though,” David said, leading her to the kitchen and taking the bags from her, placing the counter. 

“I know darling can I not visit you?” she asked.

She helped him unpack and put the boxes into the fridge. David didn’t want to tell her that Laura was perfectly capable of feeding them, Matteo too. He had a feeling the food was just an excuse, she just wanted to see him, check he was ok.

“Yes ok, that's nice of you,” David stammered.

“There's no need to be so shy, now where can I put this?” she asked, pulling out some bread loaves. 

“Er here,” he said, showing her the basket where Laura usually put the bread. “Would you like some tea?” he asked.

“I would love some,” she said, smiling at how flustered he seemed. 

“Relax David,” she said when he fumbled with the cups. 

She helped him prepare them both a cup of tea. He knew how to make tea dammit he didn't know what was wrong with him. Well he did, he was nervous.

They went back out to the living room and sat down. 

Julia smiled at him. 

“I'm only here to see how you're doing now that you're out of the hospital,” she said.

“Oh,” David said, looking down at his cup.

“So feeling ok? Matteo said you managed to get down to Ingrid's garden yesterday,” she asked. 

“Yeah he's done a good job there,” David said proudly.

“He has, hasn't he? He always would help me with the gardening at home, since he was tiny. He had these little pink coveralls he would never take off. There were ducks on them and he would chatter away to them while he was helping me. He would water them with his little watering can, trying to make them come alive, make them grow,” she said, smiling widely.

Again David wished he'd known Matteo when they were younger, they would have been the best of friends. He hoped Matteo had these memories too. He deserved all the good memories of his childhood, more than anyone David knew. 

David could look back on his childhood and know he was happy, he hoped Matteo could do the same. 

“That's cute,” David said. 

She nodded. 

"He really was, always such a clingy little boy, never leaving me or his papa, I used to worry about him, but I look at him now and I couldn't be prouder," she said, "Is he… is he ok?" 

"If he's not telling you it's not my place to say much, but he's ok, that's all I can tell you, there's a lot to deal with and no quick fixes, but he's going to be fine," David promised her. 

She looked a little upset but he could tell she understood. 

"You're so good for him David," she said, "but really how are you?" 

And God did he want to tell her everything, despite everything that he'd found out recently he still trusted her. More than he'd ever trusted another adult bar Laura and Mel. She cared so much, she wanted to know how her son was doing, but she really was here just for him. He'd never had that, someone just popping by to check on him. Both Laura and Mel were a bit more no-nonsense. 

Julia was like Matteo, or he was like her, and by the sounds of it, like his dad too. Quiet caring people, who showed their love so openly. No wonder it had changed him, how could he resist it? Because look at everything that had gone wrong for them and how they were still open and talking with each other again, and healing. 

“I'm ok, just gotta take it easy,” he said, sitting back on the sofa against the cushions.

“I can't imagine that's easy for you,” Julia said, grinning at him.

She knew exactly how he was. 

“Not at all,” David said, fiddling with his cup. 

“Still if you want to recover, you've got to rest when the doctor tells you and-”

“I had top surgery,” David blurted out. 

She looked at him blankly, of course, she had no idea what that meant. But he couldn't take it back now. He would have to explain and just hope he was right about this. 

She just frowned and put down her cup then took his own from his shaking hands. 

“David?”

He refused to look at her, staring at his empty hands instead.

“It means like a mastectomy, do you know what that means?” he asked, trying to explain it in terms she may have heard before.

He looked up now terrified of seeing an expression of disgust on her face. But she just nodded slowly, she was processing what he’d said. 

“Do you know why?” he asked.

She just frowned and shook her head. 

“No I'm sorry David, I don't think I understand,” she admitted. 

“It's because I'm trans, you know transgender? Because I wasn't born with the body of a boy or no... it's just different for me... it's harder? I have to work harder at it,” he told her, remembering how he first explained it to Matteo. He hoped that was enough, he hated going through this with people, especially when they had little understanding of it. He had to use terms and wording which he wasn't quite comfortable with just to provide clarity. It wasn't as simple as he'd just said.

All the questions, the personal details he just didn't want to talk about. 

“Oh,” she said quietly.

Well, he'd done it now hadn’t he? He wondered if she’d be like his own mother. He didn't think he could bear it if he made this kind woman cold. 

“So you had surgery to change that?” she asked. 

And David couldn't get a read on her at all. 

“Yes,” David said.

“Well that's very brave surgery, is no joke,” she said. 

There was no disgust in her voice, just gentle curiosity and a little concern. 

“I know but I needed it,” David said.

“I don't know much about it,” she admitted, “I’ve only heard a little bit about this stuff.”

“That's ok,” David said.

“But you're ok?” she asked. 

“More than. This is what I've wanted since puberty,” David told her. 

She nodded again. He could tell she was still figuring it all out, thankfully she was faster than Matteo. 

“That's good,” she said eventually. 

David felt unsure, he couldn’t tell how she felt about him. She didn't seem angry or disgusted but she was also a lot quieter than she had been five minutes ago. It made him nervous.

“Are we… are you still ok with me and Matteo?” he asked finally. 

She laughed then and it broke the tension but stopped immediately when she saw his face. 

“Oh, you're serious? Of course I'm still ok with you and Matteo why on earth wouldn't I be?” she asked. 

“Not everyone is ok with people like me,” he said, so quietly he wasn’t sure she’d heard him. 

“Are you serious right now? Do you have any idea how thankful I am that Matteo has you in his life? I wasn't joking earlier, I used to worry so much about him, he struggled so much with people but he was so lonely too. And then you come along and you are everything I could have ever hoped for," she took his hand and squeezed it, "when Matteo first told me about you, he told me he'd fallen in love with a boy named David and I had an idea. But then a few weeks later he came over for tea and he wouldn't stop talking about you. It was what he was saying, that you understood him, that you were easy to talk to, that he finally felt real because he was able to connect with you. You saw him and you loved him. And I knew, I hadn't even met you but I just thought _this boy is it_ , nothing could ever change that. And I was so relieved because he would never be lonely again would he?"

"Never," David promised, trying to stay calm. 

But he felt like crying. They would be happy tears but he wanted to sob. He had no idea she saw him that way. He knew then why Matteo forgave her, this woman loved her son so much. It was so clear to see. And she knew, she knew everything that had gone wrong between them and he was right. She was so sorry. They could heal. 

But she also loved him, he wasn’t her son and she still loved him unconditionally. And wasn’t that something?

But she wasn't done.

"So how could I not be ok with a boy who treats my son with the kindness and patience I could have only dreamed he would find? A boy who makes him happy, happier than he has ever been, after years of seeing the sadness, and the quiet. David you've made him loud again and I never even realised how quiet he'd gotten. You've taught him he is loved and that he deserves it. What more could I want for him? So I can't pretend to know much about... transgender?”

David nodded. 

“This is not something I’ve really been exposed to, but that's not to say I don't want to learn. If you're willing to teach me or point me in the right direction. Because you're my family now too, and I love you so very much,” she said. 

David knew he still wasn’t supposed to be hugging or too physical but he couldn't help it, he reached out and she wrapped her arms around him and held him carefully, mindful to be gentle with him. She stroked his hair, he’d seen her like this with Matteo and knew now why she was always able to calm him. 

“Oh sweet boy, what did you think I was going to say?” she asked gently.

And he just broke, he needed to do this right now, needed someone to parent him for once.

“My mum, she practically threw me out. Wouldn’t call me by my name, called me... she called me a fucking abomination once. Sorry,” he said, she always told Matteo off when he swore, “and now she's back and wants my forgiveness and I… I... I…” 

“Hush now, hush,” she soothed. “She can demand your forgiveness all she wants but until you're ready, you are under no obligation to give it. Even if that's never. I can't pretend to understand her reasonings or her justifications-” 

“She's nothing like you,” David muttered. 

“Ok but while this all seems easy, I can't say I would have been the same if Matteo came to me at… how old were you?” she asked.

“Twelve,” David said.

“If Matteo had come to me at twelve and told me something like this, I can't say I would have responded how I have right now because that’s so young,” she said, she frowned slightly as she figured out what she meant.

People always said that. 

“No, but I knew,” David argued.

“And as adults, we tend to forget that, we tend to think we know better. I would have probably tried to talk him out of it,” she admitted, she was still frowning, seemed unsure. He thought she would've probably accepted it for quicker than his mother, would've taken Matteo at his word.

“Ok but you wouldn’t have stopped loving him though,” David said.

“No never! I never would have,” she said, horrified at the mere suggestion.

“But I'm nineteen now and she’s only just starting to call me David,” he said.

“Then maybe it’s taken her all this time to realise that this is your truth,” she said.

He pulled away and sat back on the couch, even though she’d been gentle he was still sore. He stayed close though.

“Well maybe it's too little too late,” he said quietly.

“And only you can decide that,” she said.

“Thank you,” David said.

“For what darling?” she asked.

“I don’t know, you and Laura, and my godmother Mel, you’re like the only adults I trust,” he admitted.

“You’re an adult now too darling,” she reminded him.

He knew that was true but it didn’t feel like it sometimes, especially when most of the adults he knew had been shitty. He didn’t want to be like them. Plus he needed people older that he could trust.

“You know what I mean,” he said.

“I do and I want to be there for you and Matteo, anytime either of you need me,” she said.

He knew she was trying to make up for the time she’d missed, but he appreciated it. He trusted her and knew she was on his side. He needed that, had needed that for a long time. Matteo was right, when he’d told David’s mum he didn’t need her, he had him, his mum and Laura. He had all his friends. They were his family, they were there for him without condition. He didn’t need her back, he wanted her, wanted her love, but he would be ok without it. He would be fine.

“Thank you,” he said.

“And now you two are moving in together, that’s very grown-up,” she said.

She was right, they were grown up. They were still young but they weren’t kids anymore. She treated him with the respect he was due at his age. His mother and father still thought of him as a kid, he could tell. With his father in the way he still didn’t know how to talk to him. With his mother in that she thought she could just have a tantrum and he would bow to her whims.

Julia trusted him with her only son. Respected his decision for surgery, the choices he’d made. Validated his worries about his own mother.

“Yes I can’t wait,” David said, grinning again.

“I’m so pleased for you, both of you, you’re going to be so happy. I was thinking the other day I’d better give you Berto’s number,” she said.

David frowned, was that Matteo’s dad?

“Matteo’s papa,” Julia confirmed.

“In case of emergencies?” David asked

He didn’t think that was necessary, Matteo’s papa wasn’t even back in Germany yet.

“No so you can ask for his blessing,” Julia joked.

Oh. Oh. David flushed.

“I’m teasing but I’m sure it won’t be long,” she said, smiling knowingly.

“We’re only _nineteen_ ,” David said.

“I was twenty-one when I married Berto, obviously we’re not the best example but boy did I love that man, still do even now, I don’t regret marrying him,” she said.

“Will you take him back?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know that it can ever be the same, but I would like for him to come back for Matteo. And if he does I would like him in my life, he was my very best friend, and I miss him,” she said.

She smiled at him sadly, he felt bad for her. But they still had time, they could work something out. Yes, they would never get back what they had but they obviously had a very deep relationship, even after all they’d been through, that kind of relationship didn’t fade away.

“Maybe one day, there’s no rushing this kind of thing,” he said.

“You’re very right,” she said and he was glad he could comfort her too.

“I will marry him one day,” David said.

“Oh I know, what you two have is very special, I know you will be each others’ forever,” she said.

He didn’t know if he would ask permission from Matteo’s father, that was a pretty dated tradition. And did it even apply to them? Especially as he’d been absent for so long. But there was time to figure all that out. She was right about one thing, they were each other's forever, he liked the sound of that.

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_Matteo (Tuesday, 14.03): I’m at the supermarket_

_Matteo (14.04): You won’t believe what they're selling_

_David (14.06): Food?_

_Matteo (14.08): No David_

_Matteo (14.09): Garlic_

_David (14.10):_ 😯

_David (14.11): Omg! No way!_

_Matteo (14.12): No like peeled garlic_

_Matteo (14.13): In a little plastic pot_

_David (14.14): Oh cool so you don’t have to peel it_

_Matteo (14.15): No_

_Matteo (14.16): No David it's not_

_Matteo (14.17): It’s not cool it’s lazy_

_David (14.18): Well I mean it’s tricky this would be easier_

_Matteo (14.19): No David I showed you how_

_David (14.21): Oh yeah the shaking thing?_

_David (14.22): But not everyone knows that_

_Matteo (14.23): Doesn't matter it’s wasteful it only lasts a week_

_David (14.25): Well that's not too bad_

_Matteo (14.26): David_

_Matteo (14.27): David_

_David (14.28): Yes Matteo_

_Matteo (14.30): Garlic lasts for like months, like a year I think nonna said_

_David (14.31): Oh ok then that's bad_

_Matteo (14.33): Yes David it's bad it’s outrageous_

_David (14.34): Well go say something_

_Matteo (14.35): No_

_David (14.36): Yeah complain about how lazy it is and how bad for the environment it is to put it in plastic pots_

_Matteo (14.37): I’m not gonna complain I already left anyway_

_David (14.38): Well next time you go back_

_David (14.39): You were pretty passionately against it_

_Matteo (14.40): I’m not going to complain_

_David (14.41): Ok_

_Matteo (14.42): Maybe I’ll write an email_

_David (14.43): You should_

_Matteo (14.46): Really?_

_Matteo (14.47): Or are you teasing me?_

_David (14.50): No I’m not honestly, you’re right it is really wasteful you should say something_

_Matteo (14.52): Ok I will_

* * *

####  **INFO**

_INFO (Tuesday, 15.14): D. Schreibner, this message confirms your initial therapy assessment appointment with Nadine Fischer at River Clinic part of Spring View Hospital. This is covered by your transition surgery two-year treatment package under Dr Straken. The appointment is at 10.00 on Monday 9th March 2020. If you need to cancel the appointment please text back CANCEL, or call 02743144035 to reschedule._

* * *

####  **papa**

_Matteo (Tuesday, 20.01): Papa how long does garlic last?_

_Matteo (20.02): Like the bulbs?_

_Matteo (20.03): Google says three to six months is that right?_

_Matteo (20.04):I thought nonna told me a year once_

_papa (20.11): I would go with six months_

_papa (20.13): Your nonna might be right but I doubt we ever had garlic in the house for longer than a few months, we used it with everything it never lasted long in our house_

_papa (20.14): But maybe when she was younger they made it last longer_

_papa (20.15): In her terracotta pots she did say they would last a year I do remember that_

_papa (20.16): But I think it would lose its strength_

_papa (20.17): Why are you asking?_

_Matteo (20.19): I’m writing an email, a complaint to a supermarket_

_Matteo (20.20): They were selling peeled cloves of garlic_

_papa (20.21): No way_

_papa (20.22): Are you serious?_

_Matteo (20.25): Yeah_

_Matteo (20.26): I’m so annoyed_

_papa (20.27): Why?_

_Matteo (20.30): papa!_

_papa (20.34): No I’m just confused, I’d never even thought of something like that, they’d never sell it here_

_Matteo (20.41): Because it’s wasteful papa, there are loads of cloves in the pot and they only last a week and the pot is plastic, and it's imported from china think of the carbon footprint for that and like you said garlic is fine and lasts longer exactly as it comes_

_papa (20.45): Good for you then, you complain, you’re the customer, you make it clear to them this is an unnecessary product_

_Matteo (20.49): Ok I will_

_papa (20.51): Are you ready to move?_

_Matteo (20.53): I’m packing on Friday_

_papa (20.59): Cutting it fine_

_Matteo (21.05): No I don’t have that much_

_papa (21.08): How are you for furniture and household things?_

_Matteo (21.10): Mama is giving us some old stuff_

_papa (21.12): That’s good if you need anything just let me know_

_Matteo (21.15): I think we have everything_

_Matteo (21.16): It’s only a small apartment_

_papa (21.19): Do you have tools?_

_Matteo (21.21): No why?_

_papa (21.24): You’ll need tools to put the furniture up Matteo, and you should have some in the house for repairs, there’s some in the garage, help yourself_

_Matteo (21.26): Thanks papa_

_papa (21.29): I think there’s a few old lamps in there too take them_

_papa (21.30): Make the place a bit brighter_

_Matteo (21.35): Ok thank you_

_papa (21.37): This is exciting your own apartment with your boyfriend, are you still nervous?_

_Matteo (21.39): Yes but I am excited too it will be ok_

_papa (21.45): Did you go to the doctor?_

_Matteo (21.50): No_

_Matteo (21.52): I didn’t book I chickened out_

_Matteo (21.53): But I booked on Tuesday and I have an appointment next week_

_papa (21.55): It’ll be ok Matteo_

_Matteo (22.03): I’m so scared_

_papa (22.05): No matter what the doctor says it is not going to be anything that dictates your life you have a good future ahead of you Matteo I know it_

_Matteo (22.08): Ok_

_papa (22.11): You’re going to be ok_

_Matteo (22.13): Thanks papa_

_papa (22.24): I know I said I was coming back, and I am but I don’t feel ready just yet. I’m very afraid of slipping back into old habits. I don’t know if that makes sense to you?_

_Matteo (22.26): But I miss you, you’ve been away for years_

_Matteo (22.27): I understand though_

_papa (22.31): Thank you Matteo. I’m going to stay with your nonna for a while, but I will be home before summer is over_

_papa (22.35): but I was thinking maybe you could come visit us down here, with David if you like_

_Matteo (22.38): David has school until May_

_papa (22.43): June or July?_

_Matteo (22.45): Maybe_

_papa (22.48): No pressure Matteo_

_Matteo (22.49): But I’d like to_

_papa (22.54): Talk to David figure it out, you don’t have to stay with old me the entire time, you’re young men you could explore Italy, there is so much to see_

_papa (22.56): I didn't take you nearly as much as I would have liked when you were little_

_Matteo (22.59): I’d like that, I miss Italy_

* * *

He was at the mirror again. In the bathroom this time. Laura had gotten fed up with moving her own mirror between their rooms and refused to help Matteo move it again. She had a point, it was gilded, heavy and cumbersome. Not something to be moved around the apartment. So he was in the bathroom looking in the mirror above the sink. It was smaller but if he stood back a little he could see just fine.

“Do we need to get a mirror for the apartment?” Matteo asked.

He was laying in the bath, watching David posing, amusement clear on his face.

“We have one in the bathroom but do you want a full length one? But then the door of the wardrobe mama is giving us has a mirror but it’s not as big as Laura’s, will it be enough?” he continued.

“The full size of the door?” David asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

He’d never wanted a mirror before, never thought about it. He hadn’t even considered that he might want one for the apartment. But now that Matteo mentioned it it wasn’t too bad an idea. He didn’t know if he would always be able to look at it. But they could cover it on bad days he supposed.

“It’s on the inside,” Matteo said, “of the door,” he clarified.

Sometimes he really did think Matteo was psychic the way he always seemed to know what he was thinking. Although the same could be said for him about Matteo.

“Well that should be fine,” David said, looking back to the mirror, glancing at Matteo’s reflection every now and then and smiling.

“Cool,” Matteo said quietly.

Matteo continued to watch him, smiling, amused at his antics. But in a kind way, not laughing or teasing, just fond. Happy he was happy. And he was. He was so happy. It looked good, he couldn’t stop staring. It still looked sore but the redness was fading fast, the bruising just a light yellow, almost indistinguishable from his normal skin tone. It was looking really good. He knew it was what he’d dreamed of all these years and it was such a good feeling to have his dream realised.

He ran his hands carefully over it, marvelling at the flatness, how it felt exactly like it was always supposed to feel.

“You look good,” Matteo said, after a while.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, like your chest looks good obviously. And it’s clearly healing, it looks so much less painful but also everything else too,” Matteo said.

David turned away from the mirror to look at him properly.

“Everything else?” he asked.

“Like the way you stand now, you’re bigger? Taller? And you hold your head up more, and like ok you smiled a lot before but now you smile, you have a lot of different smiles, but your big smile? You do it more now. Do you know what I mean?” he asked.

He kind of did, he had no idea about the different smiles but he knew he stood taller now, didn’t have to hunch anymore.

“Maybe it’s just because I’m happy,” he said.

“Good,” Matteo said.

“I was happy before, honestly I was. With you, I’m so happy all the time. But this is different, this is a feeling I can’t even explain but I just feel comfortable in my skin,” David said.

“It’s hard to explain because you just feel like you,” Matteo said because he got it.

They’d talked about this enough times that he got it on such a deep level now. He didn’t know how it felt, but he understood David when he talked about it.

“Everything is ok,” David said.

“Everything is wonderful,” Matteo said.

“It really is,” David said, turning back to the mirror.

“I knew you’d get more confident but I never realised you’d become like this,” Matteo said.

And the look on his face, the cheeky grin, he was about to be teased.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You’re like a budgie,” Matteo said, laughing quietly.

David turned around and glared at him.

“A budgie?” David asked calmly.

“Yeah, you know? Obsessed with your own reflection,” Matteo joked, smiling that small smile that meant he was proud of himself.

David walked over to the bathtub and stood over him frowning down at him.

Matteo curled up covering his face with his arms.

“Matteo,” David teased.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo whined, muffled by his arms.

“I don’t know why you're cowering, I can’t exactly thump you right now,” David reminded him.

Matteo peeped through his arms and grinned like he’d won.

But David wouldn’t give up that easily.

“I can do this!” David said, hitting the knob and causing cold water to stream out of the shower and onto Matteo.

He shrieked and leapt out of the bath faster than David had ever seen him move. He just stood there shivering and staring at David for a moment, trying to process what had just happened.

He blinked and shook his head, sending water flying everywhere.

David tried not to laugh but he was drenched.

“David!” Matteo hissed, finally pulling off his soaking hoodie and t-shirt and throwing them into the bath. 

David turned off the water and grinned at him.

“Don’t call me a budgie,” David warned as Matteo stepped closer.

David raised an eyebrow as Matteo approached. If he were at full strength they would be wrestling by now, Matteo pinned to the floor, water everywhere. But instead, Matteo just stepped as close as he could without pressing against David. He leant forward resting his head David's shoulder, water from his hair running down David’s back. But he wasn’t doing it deliberately, he just wanted to be close. David carefully reached out and ran his hand over his back causing him to shiver even more.

Suddenly the door swung open startling them both.

“Jesus Christ!” Laura cried out.

“We were just-

“I don’t want to know David!” Laura yelled, slamming the door and stomping off. He heard her moving through the apartment.

Matteo just grinned at him and reached for his clothes.

He dried David’s shoulder and helped him get his vest on. But when he tried to pass him his hoodie, David pushed it back to Matteo who was shivering in earnest now.

Matteo put it on and then ran a hand through his dripping hair, grabbing a towel and rubbing it dry.

“You’re so mean,” he murmured.

“You were being mean first,” David reminded him, taking a step closer to him.

“Just trying to keep your vanity in check,” Matteo said, smiling.

“Fuck you,” David murmured, pressing his lips against Matteo’s, kissing away his cheeky attitude, leaving him stunned and speechless.

He couldn’t have Matteo getting too full of himself. He knew they couldn’t get too carried away but he pulled Matteo closer by the hem of his hoodie, causing him to sway as he tried not to lean too heavily against David. 

David grinned and started walking him back to the wall so he could hold him up better.

“I still need the bathroom David!” Laura shouted banging on the door.

They jumped apart. David walked over to the door and opened it. Laura was standing there looking unimpressed.

“Matteo’s in here too,” he reminded her.

“Believe me I know, she said, glancing over at Matteo, “I’ve just seen enough of Matteo for a lifetime,” she said.

Matteo flushed and ducked his head, David took his hand.

“Let’s let Laura pee in peace,” David said, pulling him away.

“Magnanimous of you David,” she said, rolling her eyes, “And you can clean up all this water later Matteo!” she added, before shutting the door.

“I will,'' Matteo promised as David dragged him away.

He took them to his room, and closed the door, locking it behind him.

“I have to clean up David,” Matteo said

“In a bit, it’s just water it’ll dry,” David said, leading him over to the bed, “lay down with me,” he said.

He laid down flat on the bed, on his back, head at the wrong end, feet facing the wall.

Matteo joined him.

“What are we doing?”

“Nothing just wanted to lay with you,” David said, “I miss laying with you,” he said.

“Me too,'' Matteo mumbled, turning on his side to face him.

“Have you been sleeping?” David asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Yeah me too, but I don’t think I sleep as well without you beside me, I know you’re next to the bed, but because of the way I can’t stretch I can’t reach out for you, it’s not the same,” David said, “I’m so used to the weight of you on my chest. You know I never thought I’d be able to stand it, but I kept letting you and then I ended up needing it too,” he said.

“Yeah,” Matteo said, reaching out and running a hand over his chest.

Carefully, so carefully he couldn’t even feel it. He stopped and splayed his hand over his heart, still not putting any pressure there.

“It's a comfort thing, the weight of it,” David said, “I’ve gotten used to it and now I can’t sleep without it, or I do but something’s missing and I get restless.”

“It’s the same for me but it’s your heartbeat,” Matteo said.

Usually, Matteo liked to be the one weighed down, and every now and then David would lay him on the floor and press him into the hardwood, it was a comfort to him when he was stressing. But when it came to sleeping he liked to be held tight, head pressed against David’s chest.

It had been weird at first, back when they’d first started dating. Whenever they went to sleep Matteo would just slowly curl up against him, head gravitating towards his chest. It was Matteo and it wasn’t the worst feeling in the world, he felt very aware of it, even in the big thick hoodies he would wear to bed with Matteo. He didn't hate it but he didn’t like it that much. But in true David fashion instead of speaking about it he’d ignored it and just kept pushing Matteo away while he slept.

Until one day when Matteo had woken up mid shove and just stared at him confused and a little hurt. David had explained that it made him a bit uncomfortable and he’d been fine about it, promised to try not to, even though it was pretty much in his sleep. Told David to shove him away if he needed it. He’d asked Matteo why he did it and the only answer Matteo could give was that he needed to be closer, to hear his heartbeat. That it calmed him and helped him relax. 

And after that it got harder and harder to push Matteo away, until it got to the point where half asleep he was reaching out to pull him back, wanting him closer. Poor Matteo being pushed and pulled all over the place. Eventually, David found himself holding Matteo tight against him and realised he just couldn’t shove him away. He needed him there, it was more comforting and outweighed the discomfort. 

He looked down at Matteo’s hand over his heart and then his face, eyes closed, smiling at him.

“Sleepy?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said, “gotta wake up and clean the bathroom,” he said but he didn’t move.

“Leave it,” David said.

“Laura will be mad,” Matteo said, struggling to get up.

“She’ll never be mad at you, you're her favourite,” David said.

It was definitely true, Matteo got away with a lot more than he ever did. Matteo just laughed and rolled away.

“Stay Matteo,” David whispered.

“Can’t, I’ll fall asleep,” Matteo said.

“There’s room,” David said.

And the bed was big but he knew they couldn’t. If Matteo slept next to him, he would be on top of him the second he fell asleep.

“I can't risk it,” he mumbled.

“Sleep at the end?” David suggested, wanting him in the bed.

“Ok,” Matteo said, shuffling until he was laid across the foot of the bed.

David got up and laid down properly in the bed, feet by Matteo. He smiled, it was early for bed only just after nine but he’d been up early to walk Matteo to the bus stop and then meet him at midday. They’d gone out for coffee and groceries and by the time they’d gotten back, he was already pretty tired out. And he was being honest earlier, what he told Matteo. He was sleeping but he never felt as rested from it lately. He constantly found himself stretching, reaching out, sometimes waking himself up with the ache that caused. 

So he let himself drift off, hoping that Matteo’s close proximity would lead to a better night's sleep.

* * *

####  **David and Matteo’s relocation support squad ❤🏡📦🚐❤**

_Kiki changed the name of the group to “David and Matteo’s relocation support squad ❤🏡📦🚐❤”_

_Carlos added Markus_

_Carlos added Finn_

_Carlos added Emil_

_Carlos (Thursday, 09.17): Ok everyone seeing as these two idiots have no plan and they’re moving on Saturday I’m now in charge_

_Carlos (09.18): I’m an expert at this_

_David (09.21): Hey!_

_David (09.22): Also you and Kiki moving in doesn't make you an expert at this_

_David (09.24): We all helped you_

_David (09.25): If anyone’s an expert it’s Kiki_

_Kiki (09.31): Thank you David I agree_

_Kiki (09.33): Ok so the plan is Matteo and Hans are going to pack up Matteo’s room on Friday morning_

_Kiki (09.34): Then load the van and head over to Matteo’s mum’s house_

_Kiki (09.35): Markus Finn and Emil will meet you there, you know the details?_

_Finn (09.36): Yes_

_Kiki (09.37): And the situation?_

_Markus (09.39): Yes it’s cool we’ll be good_

_Kiki (09.41): Excellent you will help get the furniture and some more of Matteo's stuff into the van_

_Kiki (09.42): Abdi and Carlos will drive it over to the new apartment and you’ll all unload it and put it in place_

_Carlos (09.45): What’s happening I’m in charge?_

_Kiki (09.46): No babe_

_Kiki added Leonie_

_Kiki (09.48): Laura and Leonie will help pack up David’s room on Friday afternoon_

_David added Laura_

_David added Sara_

_Kiki (09.51): Laura you and Leonie are helping pack up David’s room on Friday_

_Laura (09.55): I’ve already started_

_Leonie (09.57): Yeah that’s fine I’ll help lazybones_

_David (09.59): 🖕🏽_

_Leonie (10.05): Sara will help too_

_Leonie added Tay_

_Leonie (10.06): Tay do you want to come help pack up David’s life into boxes on Friday?_

_Tay (10.08): I would love too_

_Tay (10.10): Count me in_

_Kiki (10.12): See this is why I’m in charge look at it all just working_

_Tay added Niklas_

_Tay added Jon_

_Tay added Chloe_

_Hanna (10.15): Ah David you have so many people who want to help you this will be easy_

_Jon (10.17): Just FYI David if I help then you now owe me when I have to move_

_David (10.18): FINE_

_David (10.19): No it’s cool I don’t mind_

_Matteo (10.22): Kiki there are a lot of people now_

_Matteo (10.24): It’s just going to be overcrowded and everyone will get in each other’s way_

_Kiki (10.25): Ok_

_Kiki (10.26): You and Hans are doing your room_

_Kiki (10.27): Abdi and Jonas you pick up Matteo and his stuff_

_Chloe added Lucy_

_Lucy (10.28): I want no part in this_

_Kiki (10.28): Markus and Emil you meet at Matteo’s mum’s house and load the furniture onto the van_

_Kiki (10.29): Carlos and Finn you meet at the new apartment and you, Markus, Emil, and Jonas unload the furniture and put it in the apartment_

_Kiki (10.30): Matteo you just tell them where you want it to be_

_Kiki (10.31): Then you all come over to Davids and we'll load his stuff onto the van ready for morning_

_Kiki (10.32): And then when that’s all done we can have a bit of a wind down and celebrate you two moving in, nothing loud just chill_

_Kiki (10.33): Anyone can come even if you didn't help_

_Abdi (10.37): So a party?_

_Laura (10.38): This is nice you’ve never had a party David_

_Carlos (10.39): Awesome_

_Markus (10.41): I’ll bring beer_

_Kiki (10.42): I’ll bring wine_

_Amira (10.45): Have fun all of you but just remember moving will not be fun if you’re all hungover_

_Hanna (10.50): Matteo can I just say I’m so proud of you_

_Hanna (10.51): This is such a big step and you’re going to be so happy I know it_

_Matteo (10.54): Thank you Hanna, I’m already so happy I can’t even imagine being happier_

_Hans (10.55): Oh my little butterfly 😍😍😍_

_Kiki (10.59): Does everyone want me to go over Saturday’s logistics?_

_David (11.02): No_

_Jonas (11.03): No_

_Lucy (11.04): No_

_Hanna (11.05): Can we discuss it before the party?_

_Sam (11.10): David I’m not free this weekend_

_Sam (11.11): I’ll come to the party but I can’t do Saturday_

_Sam (11.12): But Hanna mentioned you wanted to paint a feature wall_

_Sam (11.13): I can help with that_

_David (11.14): Yes that’ll be amazing Sam_

_Hanna (11.14): Also do you have curtains and cushion covers and stuff?_

_David (11.15): Not yet_

_Hanna (11.17): Hold off getting anything_

_Hanna (11.18): Sam is teaching me we can make you some_

_Matteo (11.19): Could I learn too?_

_Carlos (11.21): Why?_

_Matteo (11.23): Like to repair things_

_Sam (11.25): Of course Matteo_

_Tay (11.28): So what I take from this is Party Friday Night David’s house_

_Sam (11.29): Pretty much yeah_

_Tay (11.31): Brilliant_

_Chloe (11.33): Me and Lucy will see you there_

_Kiki (11.36): Excellent_

_David (11.38): Thanks for all the organisation Kiki_

_Kiki (11.41): No problem_

* * *

They had two days until they were moving in now. It had all happened so quickly, contracts signed, their moving plan arranged. Yeah, it was probably a bit quick but David didn't care. He was too excited. He probably wouldn't be so excited when the place was a mess and there were copious chores to do. But still, it would be theirs. And he did chores here too, he kept the place just as tidy with Laura. He'd been living fairly independently for two years now so that wasn't going to be a huge adjustment. 

As weird as it sounded he was even excited about all the really boring stuff, paying the bills, budgeting for groceries, sitting down with Matteo on his spreadsheet and planning their months, their years and their future. 

Matteo was also excited but he was stressing out too. This was a big deal and he couldn't relax enough to go with the flow. And that was becoming something he was struggling to do anyway, just accepting the things that happened to him. Letting people tell him what to do. 

Earlier in the kitchen with Laura they'd been talking about summer plans and David had said he and Matteo probably weren't doing anything but they might try the road trip again because it had been so much fun last time. 

And Matteo had pulled himself back into the conversation and told David that wasn't up to him and he would like some input on their summer plans. Laura had looked shocked but David had never been more proud. 

Therapy was already doing him the world of good. Matteo was apparently working on his confidence and his assertiveness. That his thoughts and decisions were just as valid and important as everyone else's. David was delighted. It was going to be hard, it was hell of a behaviour to unlearn and would likely never be something that came naturally to him. But David would always encourage him. 

Also weighing on Matteo's mind was the fact his dad had invited them both to Italy that summer and he really wanted to go but was nervous at the same time. David had reminded him that there was no pressure and for now, he just needed to focus on healing his relationship with his dad. They had months to sort everything else.

But right now David could see he felt out of control and was struggling. 

His room was pretty much all packed already, Laura wanted to get a head start. Almost everything in boxes, mostly packed by Matteo and Laura, although David had helped as much as he could, mostly telling them where things should go. But he'd packed his art supplies and all his camera equipment. Not trusting either of them to give it the required level of care. 

He was feeling great anyway and he had an appointment with his doctor and his physiotherapist next week. He should be cleared then for more physical stuff. They would be giving him an exercise plan to build his strength back and adjusting his recovery outline now that they could see the progress of his healing. He had a feeling it was going to be quicker than they'd all expected. But he would do whatever they recommended, even if it was hard for him. Even if all he wanted to do was hit the gym, go running, go swimming and show off. He was so much more confident now. Or he always had been, it had just been shadowed by his dysphoria. But now his confidence was winning out, that and his overwhelming happiness keeping at bay for now. There would always be worse days, good days and bad days. But that was life and he was in such a better position to handle it. 

But he wasn't likely to be allowed to hit the weights just yet. He was, however, going into town with Matteo next week to get tight t-shirts and vests. Matteo found this very amusing, knew David was lying when he said it was so he was ready for the gym. They both knew he wanted to show off. And Matteo loved it. 

David watched him from where he sat on the bed going through some more of his artwork. Matteo was pacing the room, checking and rechecking the boxes. Hans had sent him over earlier, tired of him doing the same thing at the WG. When Matteo ran his hand through his hair and looked vacantly around the room for the sixth time that evening, David sighed and put down the books.

“Matteo sweetheart come here,” he said, patting the bed beside him. 

Matteo stared blankly for a moment, before slowly crawling onto the bed.

"Come here," David repeated, gesturing for Matteo to come closer.

"Not supposed to," Matteo murmured. "Don't want to hurt you," he said. 

At this point, David knew it wouldn't hurt but Matteo was worried and it would do no good to argue with him. 

Instead, David patted his lap and Matteo laid down beside him, placing his head in his lap. Turning and pressing his face into David's stomach. David ran his fingers through Matteo’s hair, turning him slightly so he could look at him.

“What's going on?” he asked gently. 

“I'm scared,” Matteo admitted.

“Of?”

“Scared moving. It's a big deal to me. But also I know you keep saying you won't but I'm so scared you’ll get fed up of me once you’re living with me,” Matteo said, trying to press into David's stomach again.

David wouldn't let him hide, kept him looking at him. It hurt to hear, hurt that he worried so much about this. But he would just have to keep telling Matteo, over and over until he believed him. He was willing to do it for the rest of his life if that was what it took. 

“Hate to break it to you, babe, we’ve been living together for months, pretty much since we started dating,” David said.

“No?”

“Yes Matteo, we’ve spent about eight nights apart,” David clarified.

Not including their break but he wasn't bringing that up now. 

“It’s not the same,” Matteo argued. 

“Why?” David asked.

Matteo looked up at him.

“There won’t be anyone else there, it’ll just be me,” he said.

“Sounds perfect to me,” David said.

“David,” Matteo said.

“Matteo,” David said.

Matteo just looked at him sadly. He couldn't just brush over this. He was in pain and he needed comforting, reassuring. David kept running his hands through his hair.

“I’m serious Matteo," he said gently, "I'm so excited for this. I promise you there is nothing I want more than to make a home with you,” he said.

“But what if I'm too annoying?”

Not this again? He hated that Matteo thought he was too annoying. Hated that Matteo thought he was annoying at all. Yes to an outsider it might seem that way, to anyone who didn’t get Matteo. But David found all Matteo’s little quirks and habits endearing. 

He was starting to think Matteo meant something different when he said annoying, something a lot more negative. Because there was a difference between getting on someone's nerves deliberately and having unusual habits. And to David, they were a bit odd but mostly cute and he would never say annoying, certainly not in the way Matteo meant. Someone obviously had once, hadn't treated Matteo with the kindness and patience he needed and deserved. And it had had a big effect on him. 

David tried a different argument. 

“What if _I’m_ too annoying? What if I wake you up every morning to go running? Or I leave my trainers by the door and you trip? Or I don’t make the bed or do the washing up because I'm tired even though you’ve cooked for me? What if I never clean the windows. Or get inspired and start painting at three in the morning? What if I end up with so much filmmaking stuff that the apartment becomes so cluttered we can’t move?” David asked.

Matteo just stared confused.

“Doesn’t matter,” he muttered.

“Exactly,” David said, hoping he got it. 

He was trying to. 

"It's the same Matteo, it's the same, all the things you think you do to annoy me? They really don't, I promise," David insisted. 

Matteo closed his eyes for a second and when he opened them again his eyes were shining. God the effect it had, going through life without any kind of encouragement. Well, that stopped now. 

“Oh,” was all Matteo could say. 

“Yeah oh, you silly boy,” David said.

And David knew he was getting it. They were fighting against his doubts and they'd be back. But they were stronger, this was a battle Matteo was going to win. David would make sure of it. 

Then Matteo just smiled at him as he realised it was ok. He smiled so brightly that David couldn’t go any longer without holding him. It was a need burning through him. 

“Matteo come here please,” he whispered.

Matteo nodded, knowing exactly what he needed and carefully crawled up the bed, slowly. He reached out so cautiously and gently wrapped his arms around him. He held him so carefully and David felt like he could breathe again. Instead of pressing them together like he usually did David fisted the back of Matteo's shirt and held on tight. 

They managed two minutes before the dull ache set in and his arms started shaking, he ignored it for another three until he pulled back.

“Soon,” he whispered.

So they could hug now, gently but it wasn't their normal hugs, the way he would press Matteo against him so hard it almost hurt in the best way. And these gentle hugs were ok but even they still hurt. He wanted to get back to full strength just for a real hug. 

“Here,” Matteo said, taking David’s hand and entwining their fingers, gripping tight.

He just looked at him until David squeezed back. 

“I love this but it’s not the same,” David said, they held hands all the time and he loved it but he wanted a hug. 

“Yeah but it is. I er... when I was a kid I used to get overwhelmed and I went through this phase where like no one could touch me, it was just too much. So instead papa taught me this and mama and Jonas did it too. It's like a hug when I couldn’t be hugged. It doesn’t happen much anymore but still… you can’t hug right now, squeeze tighter,” he mumbled.

David did, clung tight to his hands and Matteo squeezed back even harder. It almost hurt but it felt good. Not as good as a hug, not as safe but still good. Holding Matteo tight like that, him squeezing back reminding him he was there.

“So this is a hug?” David asked.

“Yeah kinda, I don’t know is it dumb?” Matteo asked.

David shook his head and kept holding on. Matteo smiled at him.

“No it’s good, it’s safe,” David said.

“Yeah safe,” Matteo agreed quietly.

After a few minutes, David carefully laid down, pulling Matteo with him, not letting go of his hands. David lay on his back as that was all he could do, he pulled Matteo’s arms, fingers still linked, over him and Matteo wrapped them around his waist.

“This is good too,” Matteo mumbled.

“Did you get overwhelmed a lot as a kid?” David asked quietly.

“Yeah, you know how I get sometimes? It used to happen more,” Matteo said, “but this was because one time a teacher grabbed hold of me and put me in the corner of the room because I was shouting too much. She didn’t hurt me but I freaked and shouted more and she was going to grab me again but Jonas kicked her. Papa went mad at the school but then I got scared of people bigger than me grabbing me, and sometimes even hugging was too close to grabbing,” he explained.

David squeezed his hands tighter.

“Was Jonas bigger than you?”

“Always, not much but he was. And I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but I’m just weird about things,” Matteo said.

“It’s not weird to need things a certain way, if you need that to be comfortable then that’s fine,” David said.

“No one else has ever got that, except my parents,” Matteo said.

“Well, I get it. I get you, Matteo, it’s no effort to me, to do what you need,” David said.

“It’s the same for me,” Matteo said, shuffling even closer.

It felt a little unfair, he was being hugged and unable to return it but Matteo was close enough to take comfort from it. Just being around each other was always a comfort, it eased his restlessness. David wanted to be around Matteo all the time, he’d never felt so comfortable around another person.

Of course, he wanted to live with Matteo, spend all his time with him, and come home to him every evening. How could Matteo even think otherwise? There was nowhere else he wanted to be, no one else he wanted to spend his time with. He couldn’t wait till they were in their apartment, just the two of them. He didn’t need a buffer like Matteo seemed to think, was not going to get fed up of him. Of course everything probably wouldn’t go smoothly, this was real life things never worked out like that.

They would bicker, they would argue, they would even probably fall out sometimes, but even that he was looking forward too. Because they would always work things out. He and Matteo were so similar and so different, they could never agree on everything. But even when they disagreed he wanted to hear Matteo's side, wanted to explain his own and if they still couldn’t agree he knew they respected each other enough to accept their differences and move past it. That was why they worked so well. He would always listen to Matteo, and he always listened to him. So David couldn’t wait for the future.

* * *

####  **Dad**

_Dad (Friday, 09.09): Good luck with the move tomorrow_

_Dad (09.10): Do you have a van?_

_David (09.25): Yeah my friend Abdi has one_

_Dad (09.27): That's good_

_David (09.37): Do you want to come over for coffee on Sunday and we can talk?_

_Dad (09.38): I'll be there David_

_Dad (09.39): Thank you for giving me a second chance_

* * *

David had never had so many people in his apartment. Not even when Laura invited her friends over. They were having a very chill moving out party and the apartment was packed, all the groups mixed up, most people sitting on the floor because there just wasn’t room. No one was allowed to get drunk because they were all expected to help with the move the next day. 

David was all packed now, all his stuff in boxes down in the van ready to go. Matteo and the boys had already moved Matteo’s stuff into the new apartment earlier that day. Although they hadn’t been gone that long so David was pretty sure they hadn’t bothered to unpack. It was likely they’d just dumped the boxes and came straight over for beer.

Still, it just meant they had more work to do tomorrow. David wasn’t allowed to help, just supervise, so he didn’t care either way. He was currently very comfortably laid on top of Matteo. Matteo laid out on the sofa, on his back. David was in the same position on top of him. Matteo’s fingers in his hair, making it messy, no matter how many times David tried to swat his hands away.

David looked around at all the people who’d come to help him move. Yeah, they were here for the beer and snacks but they were here to help. He was pretty sure they would have come without the promise of booze. Everyone was just sitting around chatting, music playing at a low volume. It wasn’t a rager sure but it was exactly what he wanted. 

Ten months ago he’d been nervous about having Lonie over, never having done the whole inviting a friend round. And now there were nearly twenty people here, old friends and new. All here for him and for Matteo too. Here to help them start this next step in their lives.

“So you two are finally shacking up? To be honest, I'm surprised it's taken you this long,” Jonas said, raising his bottle and clinking it against Matteo’s, where it hung loosely in his hand that wasn’t tangled in David’s hair. 

He was going to drop it soon.

Tay cheered from their corner of the room where they sat with their arm around Niklas.

“Fuck off Jonas,” Matteo muttered.

Jonas just laughed.

“I’m serious I swear you two are never apart,” Jonas said.

That wasn’t true at all, they spent far too much time apart for David’s liking. But he wasn’t going to say that, he didn't want them ripping him to shreds. He wasn’t embarrassed. At all, but literally everyone was here, they would tear him apart.

“We’re apart all the time,” David argued instead.

"Yeah Jonas they spend like maybe two hours out of contact with each other most days and it absolutely kills them," Leonie teased. 

She had no room to talk, she was just as bad with Sara. They were cuddling by the window and barely contributing to the conversation. 

Jonas nodded in agreement. 

"It's more than two hours," David argued. 

“Well I think it's sweet,” Markus said, “of course you want to spend all your time together,” he said.

“Thank you, Markus,” Matteo said, shifting slightly underneath him as he put his beer bottle down.

“So when is the wedding anyway?” Emil asked.

“Fuck off,” Matteo said, pressing his face into David’s hair and groaning.

Hiding. David tried his best not to blush. He knew he wasn’t succeeding.

“So I assume David was the one to ask you to move in, Matteo?” Jonas asked.

Matteo nodded against his head. David pulled away and sat up slightly, frowning at Jonas.

“Why would you assume that?” he asked.

“Well if Matteo was brave enough to ask, you would already be living together. He would have asked you back at like I dunno abi ball or something,” Jonas said.

David tilted his head and looked up at his blushing boyfriend.

“No, I wouldn’t have,” Matteo mumbled.

He absolutely wouldn’t. Matteo was brave, braver than almost anyone he knew but when it came to fighting his doubts, he wasn't strong enough. Not yet but one day.

“He was very reluctant actually,” David said.

“No way!” Abdi said.

“Yeah I was afraid,” Matteo admitted quietly.

Everyone seemed to get it, nodding and agreeing. Jonas reached up and ruffled Matteo’s hair.

“That’s fair though. You’ve been through a lot these past few years, change is hard and I guess you were kind of settled,” Hanna said.

“Yeah, I dunno moving out of mama’s was a lot,” Matteo said.

It had been a traumatic time and there were no good memories there. David didn’t feel the same. Yeah, it had felt like he’d been kicked out of his home, he’d been upset and afraid. But it had been a relief too, to be finally free of it all. So this was just another adventure for him.

“This is different though,” Kiki said gently.

They both glanced over at her.

“You moved out of your mum’s house because you didn’t really have a choice. You’re moving in with David because it’s right and it's time for you to make a home,” she said.

David smiled at her, that was exactly it. This wasn't just going to be an apartment, it was going to be a home. Probably a little ridiculous, terribly decorated with a tiny kitchen and second-hand furniture. But it was going to be theirs. Somewhere to come back to at the end of the day. To spend lazy weekends together, just sprawled out in bed ignoring their chores. Matteo finally teaching David to cook. David getting Matteo to model for him because the lighting was just right. Just them.

“Yeah,” Matteo whispered, pressing another kiss to David's head.

“Are you excited David?” Chloe asked.

David nodded enthusiastically, sitting up properly and forcing Matteo up too despite his protests.

“So excited, I literally can’t wait. Like we got the place last week, and I was ready to move in then and there but logistics,” he said.

“He wanted to just move in regardless of whether his stuff was there or not, I don't know what that says about me,” Laura said.

Everyone laughed.

“No Laura, it’s not that I don't love living here-”

“I know David,” she said, reassuring him.

She was sitting by the sofa with Hans and Linn who was ignoring them all. But when she'd first gotten there she'd given Matteo a long hug and spoken to him for a good while. 

He sighed and leaned back into Matteo again, still sitting up now.

“It's gonna be so good,” he said quietly.

“So who do you think will be next to move in?” Laura asked them.

“Jonas and Hanna probably,” Abdi said.

Jonas choked on his beer. 

“I don’t think so,” Jonas said, glancing at Hanna.

She nodded and smiled at him.

“Yeah not yet,” she said, “but one day when we're ready we'll know,” she added.

Jonas smiled back at her. That was exactly right for them, they just took things easily because it was always going to work out. So there was no rush. 

“Right but Carlos and Kiki already live together and no one else is even in a relationship,” Abdi said, "right?" he asked looking around the room at the new additions to their group. 

Everyone shook their heads. 

“Ok point taken,” Hanna said.

“What about Amira and Mohammed?” Matteo reminded them.

Of course, they couldn’t forget them.

“Oh good point,” David said, "so you think they'll move on as soon as she's back?"

"Nah she has a whole plan," Matteo told them. 

Of course, she did, David wasn't surprised about that but love couldn't be planned. And she was so in love with Mohammed. And while he would wait on her for anything, David was pretty sure Amira wouldn't be able to fully stick to whatever life plan she'd drawn up years ago. 

“Ok then, who do you think will get married first?” Sam asked.

“Amira and Mohammed?” Kiki suggested.

“Yeah probably,” Sam agreed.

Matteo pulled out his phone. He held it in front of them and dialled Amira, frowning at the screen as he concentrated on holding the phone out in front of them and centring them in the frame.

“What’s up dumbass and dumbass’ boyfriend?” she asked as soon as she answered.

“Everyone’s talking about you. Thought it was only fair you were a part of it,” Matteo said, turning the phone and scanning the room.

Everyone waved and cheered. 

“Are you having a party?” she asked when he turned the phone back on them. 

“Nah, just a hangout, a briefing for the big move,” David said.

“Lot of beers for a briefing,” Amira observed.

“We’re unwinding,” Matteo said.

"And I'm not drinking," David added. 

“Ok so what is being said about me?” she demanded.

“We were just talking about the future and saying you’d probably get married first,” David said, pressing closer to Matteo so he was more in the frame.

“Kiki was saying,” Matteo clarified.

“Yes but it makes sense,” David said.

Amira didn’t look impressed. At all. 

“Why exactly?” she asked.

Kiki crept over to the sofa and popped into the frame.

“Because you have everything together, you know what you want,” she said.

“Yes but I won’t be getting married until after I finish uni,” Amira said, “that's at least another four years away.” 

“Ok that's fair, I mean me neither,” Kiki agreed.

David looked over at Carlos who just shrugged and smiled. 

"That's just enough time for Carlos to learn to dance," Jonas yelled. 

"You know what fuck you, Jonas! And anyway me and Abdi joined a street dance class at the university and the instructor said I had a lot of potential," Carlos informed them. 

They all looked at Abdi. 

"No, he really did say that," he told them. 

"Good for you then Carlos," Jonas said, looking up at Matteo and grinning like they'd won something. 

And maybe they had, it was their teasing that made Carlos go for it. To prove he could. But they already knew that. 

“I reckon it’ll be Abdi,” Matteo piped up.

“Me?” Abdi spluttered, almost spitting out his beer, “I don’t even have a girlfriend,” he said.

“Yeah but I reckon you’ll meet someone and like end up married within a month,” Matteo continued, sitting forward now. 

David laughed, just imagining that.

"Stranger things have happened," Amira said, laughing down the line. 

“Yeah I see it, and like ten years later they’ll be all how did this even happen? Three kids running around them. And like you won’t be unhappy or anything, just a bit stunned at how your life turned out,” he said.

Matteo nodded. 

“You know what? I see that happening,” Carlos said.

“Guys, I am not going to be the first one of us to get married,” Abid insisted, head in his hands.

“Man I can’t believe my boys all grown up and getting married,” Carlos said, wiping away a mock tear.

“Stop it. I mean it's obvious it’s David and Matteo who will get married first, at this rate they’ll be hitched next month,” Abdi argued.

"That's a fair point I think realistically it'll probably be you two," Amira agreed. 

“Ah but see I'm also waiting until I finish uni before I get married,” Matteo said.

David frowned at him.

“You’re not at uni,” he said.

Matteo started laughing to himself. Clearly thinking he was hilarious. 

“At least you can amuse yourself,” David muttered.

“I’m very funny,” Matteo said.

“Keep telling yourself that,” David said.

“I’m funny,” he said.

“You’re not funny,” Amira said.

“I’ll hang up on you,” Matteo said.

“I’ll hang up on you first,” Amira said.

“Give me the phone I wanna talk to Amira properly,” Kiki said, snatching the phone from Matteo.

Matteo just stared as she flounced off with it and her, Hanna and Sam gathered round.

"Hope you've closed all your porn Matteo," Hanna shouted over, winking at Matteo. 

Matteo groaned and hid against David. 

"What's that about?" Jonas asked. 

"A couple of years ago she found porn on my phone, her and Mia, she told me after I came out. Said she was sorry she didn't talk about it with me, but she didn't want to push," Matteo told them. 

"You would have shut down if she asked," David said. 

"Yeah, I almost told her once though," Matteo said, leaning back and running a hand over his face. 

"Before me?" Jonas demanded. 

"It's Hanna," Matteo said quietly. 

"Yeah Hanna," Jonas murmured, understanding completely. 

He stood up and wandered over to her, rambling about how wonderful she was. Hanna didn't look so impressed. 

“I might go to uni though,” Matteo said quietly, just to David now.

This hadn't come up in a while, with everything that had gone on David had almost forgotten they were going to start making those plans. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“What makes you say that?” David asked.

“I was talking about it with Ingrid,” he said.

“Oh?” 

“Like talking about the future, my future,” Matteo said.

David pulled him forward so that he was looking at him, not the ceiling. He turned and sat facing him, Matteo did the same. 

“Yeah?”

“She said I should just go anyway because it's free or practically free. Like I could figure something out with my work because it's flexible, and I should just go for it,” Matteo said.

“I agree with her, that’s a good idea,” David said, encouraging him.

“I said I wouldn’t get in,” Matteo said.

“Not true,” David argued,

“I mean I probably wouldn’t though? Like I wasn’t exactly top of the class,” Matteo reminded him. "So I asked papa if he thought I could and he said yes. But he has to say that? And like when he left I was still doing well so…" 

“What would you study?” David asked, directing the conversation away from high school.

That had been such a difficult time for Matteo, and his grades had suffered due to his poor mental health. They were not a true reflection of his intellect, and David was sure Matteo’s therapist could help him explain that to any school.

“I… it’s really dumb,” Matteo whispered.

“No go on,” David said.

“Ok so like I said it all started… I was talking to Ingrid and she asked me what I'd like to do if I could do anything at all,” Matteo said.

“Master chef extraordinaire?” David guessed. 

He was only half-joking, Matteo could absolutely do that.

“I said I'd want to help kids, you know that were like me,” Matteo said.

David shut up at that, sat up properly and focussed all his attention on him. That made so much sense, it was perfect. God, he could just see it now, how good he would be at that. How patient and gentle he would be with those kids having a hard time. And he was so protective, he would put everything into this and it would be so rewarding for him, knowing he’d helped. All he ever wanted to do was help.

“And she asked if I meant social work and I said yes I think so and she said I'd have to study for that. I’m so dumb I didn't even realise,” Matteo said, rubbing his face awkwardly.

David pulled his hands away and held them tight. 

“You could do it though,” David said, "you really could," he insisted, getting excited. 

Just the idea of Matteo finding his passion, the path that was perfect for him had him wanting to jump for joy. He would help the kids but more than that he would help their families too. Not judging just guiding. Giving everyone the chance they deserved.

“Yeah?” Matteo whispered, squeezing his hands. 

He was nervous, which was understandable. Matteo didn't often trust his own decisions. 

“Yeah, I really think so,” David promised.

“Oh,” Matteo said, looking down at their joined hands, but he was smiling to himself.

“Take your time, do you want to apply for next semester?”

He would, David reckoned. He had the idea he would want to go for it as soon as possible, partly to stop himself chickening out. But also because he'd found something he liked, something he would be so good at, he would want to get started straight away.

“I… I don’t know,” Matteo said.

“There's no rush. You can apply next year or in five years,” David assured him.

“But I think I do? Want to go for next year, I mean. Is it dumb? Like I get one idea and then suddenly I’m making all these decisions,” Matteo asked.

“Not dumb at all, we’re just moving forward Matteo,” he said, “you have an idea so run with it.”

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.

He was so excited, it was beautiful. David wanted him to be this happy and excited all the time.

“So our future's shaping up pretty good. I'll be a film director and you’ll be a social worker saving the kids of Berlin,” David said, grinning as he began to picture it now.

“Yours is more impressive,” Matteo said quietly.

“No Matteo,” David argued.

“Yeah,” he said.

“No. Who would have helped you more? When you were a kid?” David asked.

“I don’t know probably a good movie. I told you about the lady that came to us, the social worker, she was shitty to me,” Matteo said.

“Ok let me rephrase, who would have helped you more? A good social worker like you want to be? If someone had stepped in and listened to you when you were younger? Taken the time to hear you, understand your problems and done everything they could to help you like I know you will,” David said.

“I’ll be what I needed?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah, and you will be so good. You already understand it’s not always black and white, that sometimes people just need a bit of extra help and support, and Matteo you’re the most supportive person I know, no matter what I know you’ll always be there for me but others deserve that too,” David said.

Matteo just grinned, eyes shining as he realised what it all meant. What he could achieve, the potential for their future. Eight weeks ago he’d been going nowhere, struggling to get out of the house because everything had felt so futile, he’d felt so lost. Now he had direction again, he had a plan. David couldn’t do much more than smile back at him while he watched Matteo still processing, still understanding just how good this was going to be.

“Yeah… yeah, you’re right. I’m going to be good at this. And you’re going to be so impressive and clever and famous with your movies and… David everything is going to be so good,” Matteo said.

“We’re both going to be amazing,” David said.

David looked over and saw Laura and Hans watching them like proud parents. They’d heard their entire conversation and were just beaming at them. He smiled back at them. They were going to be amazing. The future was theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh i cannot believe we're at the penultimate chapter, i don't want this to end, this story had become so much and i don't want to let it go. but all things must end and i do have more ideas i've been neglecting for this one so in a way i can keep going by writing more
> 
> up next - a home, diagnoses and understanding, a cupcake battle, the future
> 
> [moodboard here!](http://youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com/post/611864049691541504/every-version-of-me-dead-and-buried-in-the-yard)  
> 


	10. sometimes it takes times like these to know... you're in the right place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had a home. A proper one. Just his. His and Matteo's. Somewhere safe. He didn't need to run away anymore. He had somewhere to run to.

David was laying on the sofa that Julia had gifted them, it was second hand, stored in her garage for years. A little old fashioned but comfortable enough. Abdi and Carlos had carried it into the apartment yesterday. Carlos had informed him of this proudly, insisting he was just as strong as the football boys. Half of them were currently unloading the van, everyone else was unpacking the boxes. They had a lot more stuff than he’d expected, a lot of it brought over from Julia’s. 

It was only the boys, Laura, Hanna and Kiki helping today. They all realised it was going to get messy quickly if they let too many people help.

Nobody was letting _him_ help. They’d practically forced him onto the sofa and insisted he stay put.

He felt a bit lazy because he was capable of unpacking but he didn’t really mind directing everyone around. Particularly Jonas, who due to his helpful and kind nature was practically tripping over himself to carry out David’s commands. He was being a bit mean but it was so funny. Right now he was trying to get Jonas to hang some of his sketches, but he was having fun with it.

"Ok no that's too high," David said. 

Jonas lowered it. 

"No, now it's too low," David said. 

Jonas moved it up slightly. 

"Ok to the left," David said, desperately trying to keep the laughter out of his voice. 

"Ok and now to the right," he continued. 

Jonas turned around at that point and glared. 

"You're fucking with me?" he demanded. 

But he was laughing too, he tossed the sketch aside and marched over to him, kicking the sofa. 

"Yeah a little," David said, shrugging. 

"God, you’re annoying these days. I guess you know what they say, couples who stay together long enough start to become like each other," Jonas said. 

"Oh so when are you becoming like Hanna then? Because it would be a huge improvement," David countered. 

Jonas just spluttered in shock. Carlos and Abdi whooped and cheered. Hanna walked past him, hi-fiving him as she went. 

The laughter stopped dead when Matteo dropped a box of plates, causing them to smash loudly.

Everyone froze, waiting.

Matteo just stood there, trembling. He was too stressed, had barely spoken all morning, kept disappearing. David had found him in the hallway of the floor above earlier, pacing, trying to calm down. He’d just sat and watched until he was calm enough to come back downstairs again. This wasn’t about him, he was half stuck in memories of the last time he’d moved and was struggling to adjust.

“Sorry,” Matteo whispered.

Jonas approached him carefully and moved the box away from him. Kiki handed him a broom to help.

David got up from the sofa and took Matteo’s hand. He led him into the bathroom, locking the door behind them. It was safe in there, nothing needed to be unpacked in there yet, they could do toiletries later. There was no furniture required. Laura had already replaced the bloody shower curtain with a spacey themed one Matteo had picked out, covered in planets and constellations. Everything else in there was ready to go. 

"Ok?" David asked, squeezing his hand. 

"Stressed. Sorry," Matteo said. 

"No worries. It's ok come on," David said letting go of his hand and gesturing for Matteo to get in the tub.

Matteo stared at him.

"Get in," David said, nudging him forward. 

Matteo frowned but wandered over to the tub. He grabbed at the hem of his sweater. 

"No dumbass! Just get in the tub, we’re not taking a bath," he clarified. 

Matteo just blinked at him. But then he shrugged and climbed in. Then David climbed in on top of him, stretching his legs either side of him. It was a tight squeeze. They wouldn’t be taking baths together anytime soon. David carefully drew the shower curtain across the bath and just like that they were essentially cut off from the outside world. It carried on outside the tub, outside their little bathroom regardless. But here they were in their own little bubble.

"Oh," Matteo said. 

"Yeah?" 

"Safe," he whispered. 

"Exactly. I used to do this sometimes, when I was a kid, when I wasn't running away I mean. Sometimes late at night I locked myself in the bathroom, climbed into the tub and pretended it was a spaceship to take me away," David said. 

"Stars," Matteo said, pointing at the curtain.

"Yes! I wish we’d had that when I was little," he said. 

"I don’t think it would have been to your mum's taste," Matteo said. 

"Probably not. Now she's a woman who likes everything beige," David said. 

"That doesn’t surprise me," Matteo said. 

"Are you ok Matteo?" David asked. 

From where he was sitting on Matteo it was easy to lean forward and press a hand against his chest. His heart was going fast, not racing but not near resting pace either. 

"Yes. No. It's stressful. Moving, last time it was so bad,” Matteo whispered, tears in his eyes. "This time is good but I just keep thinking of last time."

"What happened?" David asked. 

"I…" 

"Not why you moved, the move itself. You don’t have to tell me if it’s too hard," David assured him. 

"I er… Mia texted me, saying they needed a fourth person and I just… I knew I couldn’t stay there any longer, it was killing me, David," Matteo said. 

"I know," David said, shuffling forward so he could cup Matteo's face and comfort him. At the same time, he could feel his pulse below his jaw. It was finally slowing. 

"So I said yes, and… I was supposed to move in the next day and I was just so relieved I couldn't stop shaking. And I showed up at the WG with nothing because I was just all… I couldn't focus. I just walked out of mama’s house with my rucksack and that was it," Matteo said. 

"Did you go back? For your stuff?" 

Hans had told him this but he wondered how much of it Matteo actually remembered and how much he’d blocked out.

"Jonas, Abdi, and Carlos went back. Packed up my stuff and Jonas’ papa drove it over. He didn't bring much, just clothes and stuff, a few books, my tv, he left a lot though. All the computer stuff we brought over from mama’s that’s all the stuff from my room but he left it then. He didn’t know if I'd want to go back. I was going to go back one day. Until the moment I unpacked in the WG and I looked around and I knew I never could."

He closed his eyes and a tear ran down his cheek. David wiped it away with his thumb. 

"But things are better now, between you and mama," David reminded him. 

"Yeah now that I don't live there, now that I don’t have to take care of her. I really wanted to but…" 

"You were only a child," David said. 

"Me leaving made her start to take care of herself again," Matteo said. 

"She’s very strong. She just needed to realise it," David said. 

"She is, she just got into a really bad place," Matteo said. 

“You’re strong too,” David reminded him.

“Doesn't feel like it,” Matteo said.

“You are,” David insisted.

“I'm hiding in a bathtub because I dropped some plates,” Matteo said.

“You’re keeping me company,” David said. 

“David.”

“Ok you’re hiding because moving out is a stressful time, and you've already done it once under traumatising circumstances,” David said.

Matteo sighed.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too. So is your therapist on board with the move now or does she still think you can’t handle it?” David asked, because if she was on board hopefully she could help with some of these traumas.

“Yeah I…”

David waited.

“I think things got a bit confused,” Matteo said.

“Hm?”

“I kinda didn’t tell her much,” Matteo said, “Or anything at all really,” he added.

David frowned, wondering what he meant.

“Ok?”

“So I'd only had two appointments when I had my dramatic breakdown, and then I didn't go back until we’d made up,” he said.

“Right?”

“Ok you remember what I said about being afraid to tell her about mama in case it caused trouble?”

David nodded.

“And you know how exceptionally bad I am at talking to new people at first?” Matteo asked.

David started to guess what had happened. It took most people a long time to get used to Matteo, to understand him and learn about his background. Not every conversation was as easy as it was with them.

“So I didn't tell her any of the important stuff, about my childhood. In the first appointment I just talked about how low I'd been feeling and how even though I'd got the job at Ingrid’s it felt like it wasn't enough and how I was insecure and afraid like all the time,” Matteo explained.

“Oh Matteo,” David whispered, taking both his hands into his own and squeezing them.

“Yeah so then on the second appointment I told her that I was moving in with you but that I was scared and then she thought it was a bit too soon,” Matteo said.

“Ah, so she thought you were moving out from home?”

Matteo nodded.

She probably thought he was too young, he often spoke like he was world-weary but he was still so young and often seemed even younger. Moving out of home was a big deal, especially if she was concerned about the stability of his mood.

“But anyway after we worked things out, after what mama said at the hospital and I started texting papa, I went back and I told her everything, I couldn’t keep it in anymore, I told her I'd moved out of home already. That I was living in a flatshare because home was unbearable and I told her why. I told her all the shit I’d been through, about how I’d been left alone so long. That I didn’t feel alone with you and that all I wanted to do was make a home with you but that I was still so afraid,” Matteo said, “I pretty much begged her to make it go away, the fear,” he said.

“What did she say?” David asked.

“Told me she couldn’t do that, that only I could, and it wasn’t going to be easy. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to take time. We need to learn about all my fear and trauma and everything that I’ve blocked out too. And it’s going to be really hard but I’m strong enough to get a handle on it. And I shouldn’t stop living my life while I’m healing, I need to keep moving forward,” he said.

David smiled at him, he already loved this woman. She was doing Matteo so much good.

“Good, that's good,” he said, “and how are you doing? Apart from right now.”

“We talked a lot and we think maybe there’s like trauma?”

“From when you were a kid?”

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“That makes sense,” David said.

“But it might be separate from the depression. I don’t know,” he said, shrugging.

“Ok,” David said, he knew that by giving only one-word answers it encouraged Matteo to speak, to get out all the words he wanted to say. 

It gave him space to speak. And he clearly had a lot to say.

“I’m going to speak about it with the doctor next week,” Matteo admitted.

“I’m so proud of you,” David said.

Matteo just ducked his head.

“But er… I mentioned to Lea what you said, about how I was obsessing over keeping the apartment clean,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“And like that's probably to do with the trauma, and the depression I guess,” he said.

There was something else.

“But?”

“But I’m not sure. Because… there’s something else. We talked about some other stuff too. The weird stuff that can’t be depression and I maybe told Amira some stuff that I didn’t tell you because I was still trying to figure things out,” Matteo said, pulling his hands free and rubbing his face. 

He was going to get stressed again. David was already pretty sure he knew what was going on, that all the little quirks of his probably pointed to something. But Matteo was still figuring it out. He was coming to terms with it at his own pace and he had to be careful not to push himself too hard.

“That’s fine Matteo, you don’t have to tell me everything right away, or even at all as long as you’re ok, yeah? I know you’re not keeping secrets,” David said, trying to reassure him.

He would wait as long as it took. He didn’t want Matteo to talk until he felt comfortable. He knew how it felt, when it was something about yourself you couldn’t change, and you probably had to disclose over and over. It was important to keep control of that. 

“What about when I was seeing Lea in secret?” Matteo asked.

“Ok yeah that was bad. But I can see why, you were wrong, seeing her was nothing to be ashamed of, but I do see your reasoning,” David said.

“Ok,” Matteo mumbled, looking anywhere but at him.

David placed a hand under his chin and turned his face towards him again.

“Do you want to tell me what the other stuff was? What you told Amira?” he asked gently.

“Not really,” he said, but he didn’t look away this time.

“That's fine,” David said.

“No it isn’t because it’s to do with me not being ok,” Matteo said, he was on the edge of getting wound up now.

“Ah ok,” David said.

“And I think it’s something that’s not going to go away,” he admitted.

“Matteo-”

“And I'm scared I'll be too much and-”

“No,” David insisted, grabbing his shoulders and gripping them tight.

It was good sitting on Matteo like this, he was higher so it wasn’t uncomfortable to hold out his arms, Matteo took the weight of them.

“But-”

“We’ve established I'm not leaving. Next point,” David said.

He wasn’t even going to entertain the thought of leaving Matteo.

“Can’t you just guess?” Matteo asked, whining slightly.

“Guess?” David asked carefully.

“Yeah guess what's wrong with me, you already know Amira told me,” Matteo said.

He didn't know what Amira had said. He was sure he knew but he wasn’t going to do this. It was important that Matteo voice this himself, he wasn’t going to speak for him. So many people spoke over Matteo all the time, his entire life. He would never be one of them, he would help him with all of this but he would never take Matteo’s voice from him.

“No?” he said gently. 

Matteo sighed and looked distressed. They were rushing again. David tried to steer the conversation back a bit. They had plenty of time.

“Tell me the stuff,” he suggested.

“So like er… when I'm in the appointments I can't just sit there? I have to walk around and touch the books and the things on the desk and stuff, I’m uncomfortable so I can’t sit still,” he said.

There wasn’t anything particularly weird about that though. He just got a little distracted sometimes.

“Yes Matteo you like to fidget with things,” David said.

“No I… I need to,” he said.

“Need to?” David asked.

“If I don’t I get all itchy but like a painful itchy. Not itchy I don’t know another word for it,” Matteo said.

David got it, he'd seen Matteo rubbing at his arms enough times to know what he was talking about. 

"Ok," he said, waiting for Matteo to continue. 

"And Lea has noticed and she doesn't mind, doesn't get annoyed. Sometimes she has to ask me to come and sit back down but she's not angry or anything," Matteo explained. 

Lea was obviously very good with him, David liked the sound of her. Liked how comfortable Matteo was with her because he'd been so afraid of speaking to someone. 

"You do it when I'm studying too, and you touch all my stuff, and there’s a pattern to it right? The way you move things about?" David asked. 

He'd often come back to his desk and find his things in different places, nothing missing, nothing difficult to find. Just rearranged to however Matteo wanted it. He didn't mind, would've told him if he did and Matteo would understand. But it wasn't harming anyone, so he just let Matteo do whatever it was he was doing. 

"Yeah but I can’t explain it," Matteo said. 

"Ok." 

"But then she started asking lots of questions. Like how I phrase things in an odd way sometimes? Or like when I ask questions no one ever seems to know what I mean? She asked me why I say it like that, she didn’t say it was wrong but she definitely thought it was weird. But then on the other side of that, I asked her how Jenni’s times tables were going, and she seemed really surprised,” Matteo told him.

David didn’t want to interrupt him but he was going to lose track if he wasn’t careful, Matteo was telling him a lot of information and he was listening of course. And David was very used to the way Matteo spoke but the order wasn’t always linear and he didn’t want to miss a single detail.

“Who’s Jenni?” he asked.

Matteo frowned at him then realised that he wouldn’t know that.

“Lea’s daughter, she’s seven and Lea puts her drawings up on her wall, next to her own certificates. We talked about her at my first appointment, when I didn’t want to talk about myself, and she seemed surprised that I remembered that,” he said, pausing for David to explain.

“She doesn't know you like I do then,” David said.

She would get used to that over time. But he was still blown away sometimes at the tiniest details Matteo remembered from the offhand comments he made sometimes.

“What do you mean?” Matteo asked, still not getting it.

“You remember all the little details about everyone,” David explained.

“I do?”

“Yeah you do, like do you remember last year when Jonas was trying to think of a birthday present for Hanna?” David asked.

He remembered they were hanging out with the boys and Jonas had been whining that he couldn't think of anything. Or anything special enough.

Matteo nodded slowly as he remembered, still not understanding.

“Yeah?”

“And it was you that told him to get those earrings, the one she’d seen and reminded her of her mum,” David reminded him.

“No. They were almost the same as the ones her mum used to wear when she was little, she saw them in a jewellery store,” Matteo said.

It was almost as if he was correcting him.

“But she told us that was what she wanted,” Matteo continued, “so it made sense.”

“No Matteo we were talking about her mum one random time and you remembered exactly what she’d said, down to the jewellery shop she’d seen them. No one else picked up on it,” David said. 

“No, but she said it before, you weren’t there but Jonas was. It was a few years back we were all hanging out in her apartment and she showed us pictures, said one day she was going to save up and buy them,” Matteo said, “I dunno why Jonas didn’t remember.”

“Ok. But why did you remember it? It’s like you committed it to memory, why?” David asked him.

He watched Matteo thinking it over.

“Because it was important to her,” he said eventually.

“Ok but I didn’t remember her saying it Matteo, and neither did Jonas. And that’s my point, it’s obvious to you because you pay attention naturally, but most people don’t. I don’t, Jonas doesn't-”

“Yes you do,” Matteo interrupted.

David shook his head.

“I do, especially for you I pay more attention than usual because you’re right it is important to me. But not for the really little things. People tell us such a lot of info every day, that we miss the little things, it’s pretty normal,” David explained.

“So… does that mean… is there...”

“There is nothing wrong with that, it’s a good thing. It’s amazing,” David said.

It was so amazing, it never failed to impress David when he would call up a random fact about one of them. He knew them all so well, because he’d paid attention.

David slid his thumb down to his wrist and pressed against it, measuring his pulse. It was slow and steady, he was calm. He felt safe. David raised their hands and pressed a kiss to Matteo’s. He smiled.

“Ok. Why was she surprised then?” he asked.

“Not many people pay attention to others, especially in this sort of situation, she is being paid to listen to you, you don’t have to listen to her life,” David said, “it’s just small talk, trying to make you feel comfortable.”

But Matteo didn’t do small talk, he either didn’t get involved or he gave every conversation his all. There was no in-between for him.

“Oh,” he said quietly.

“But you always listen to everyone, even when you’re talking you never talk over anyone, you always give everyone space to talk, sometimes at your own expense but that’s getting better too,” David said.

He had on a couple of occasions stopped the boys talking over him. And they obliged, not annoyed at all.

“I don’t know that I’m doing that. I think… it’s because no one listens to me and I hate how that feels,” Matteo said.

“I know,” David said.

He’d gone far too long being ignored. That wouldn’t happen anymore, David would make sure of it.

“So I have to listen to others, I don’t want them to feel like that,” Matteo said.

David smiled, he was so good, so attentive to others.

“I know but…”

“But?”

“A lot of the time it seems like you’re not listening or paying attention, because you can’t often look at people when you’re listening can you? You look at your hands or your phone or the ceiling,” David said.

“Oh,” Matteo mumbled. 

“So she may have thought you weren’t paying attention,” David told him.

“She asked me about that,” Matteo said.

“What?”

“Not looking at her when she’s talking to me,” Matteo said.

“What did you say?”

“She asked had I always done that,” Matteo said.

She definitely knew what was going on. But of course she did, she was qualified in this. It was literally her job to understand how his mind worked and help him with that.

“I said yes. But she didn’t ask me why,” Matteo said.

He seemed frustrated about that. Probably because of the setting he felt he couldn’t steer the conversation in the direction he wanted. He was still getting used to that.

“Tell me why,” David said, “does it make you itchy like the other stuff?”

“No? Actually yes sometimes but that’s a different thing, you’re thinking of something else,” Matteo said.

He wasn’t really making any sense, but David would wait, let him explain it at his pace.

“Am I?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said, thinking it through.

This was all something intuitive to him, this was just how he was, it was hard to put it into words.

“Explain it to me?” David asked gently.

“Ok... ok... ok first when I’m on my phone or staring at other stuff I’m still listening,” Matteo said.

“Yeah I know,” David agreed.

“But then also sometimes when someone is talking to me and especially if it’s important, it’s easier for me to listen if I’m not looking, watching faces just distracts me doesn’t help me understand so I need to focus on the words,” Matteo explained.

This was why David often sat behind him when they were having big conversations, when he was doing the talking, or when Matteo was stressed. He’d noticed the conversation always flowed better that way, Matteo always seemed more engaged, more comfortable asking questions. That only worked for them though.

“Do people think you’re being rude?” David asked.

“Sometimes if they don't know me,” Matteo admitted.

Those people were missing out, no one got to know him like David. They’d never get it but he did. He had from the start, back at the pool when Matteo wouldn’t even look at him. In his room while they smoked, he was so obviously listening, so obviously taking it all in, David didn’t even know how others didn’t get it. He never once felt like he wasn’t being listened to.

“Ok so what am _I_ talking about?” David asked, not quite sure what Matteo meant here.

“You’re talking about eye contact that’s different," Matteo said. 

Wasn't that what they were talking about though? 

"So… eye contact makes you feel itchy?" David asked. 

"No that’s just the fidgeting but it's not… it's not itchy I don't want to call it that anymore," Matteo said. 

He pulled his hands free and rubbed them over his face hard then running them through his hair. Not pulling yet but he was getting frustrated. 

"Can you describe the feeling?" David asked. 

"No," Matteo whispered, closing his eyes and trying to focus. 

"But it's a bad feeling, uncomfortable? Worse? Unbearable?" David suggested. 

Matteo nodded and looked at him again, relaxing. 

"Not unbearable but almost," he said. 

"Ok," David said simply. 

If there were no words then there were no words. Or there wasn't one single word at least and feelings were incredibly hard to describe. 

"Ok so the closest thing I can think is probably maybe a discomfort that's under your skin right? Because you scratch sometimes?" 

"Sometimes it's like this heat under my skin," Matteo said, "and it feels horrible," he said. 

He looked so relieved that David was just accepting this without question that David had to wonder who he'd tried to explain it to before. Who had questioned him and shut him down. 

"Eye contact?" David asked, this entire conversation was becoming very disjointed. 

He didn't mind, he would listen to Matteo all day but Matteo would run out of steam and who knew when he'd feel ok to talk about it again?

"It is different to looking at my phone," Matteo began, "no the question is different, the answer is the same or related. I'm not making sense?"

"No actually I'm starting to get it, the questions are; why don't you look at people when you're listening and why do you struggle with eye contact but the answer to both is the same," David said. 

Matteo smiled so wide at being understood that his eyes crinkled, his entire face scrunching up and his cheeks going pink. David could cry at his relief. But he didn't just shifted closer so that he was properly in Matteo's lap. 

"It's just overwhelming that's all," Matteo said, "uncomfortable, I feel completely on show, like naked almost but my mind," he said. 

David nodded, he didn't get it, couldn't really imagine how it felt but he understood him anyway. 

"Not all the time?" 

"No sometimes it's nice, with you it's nice a lot especially when we're not talking just looking at each other that feels really good, overwhelming but good," Matteo said. 

"Since the start?" David asked 

"Yeah," Matteo whispered. 

And David knew how important that was. 

Matteo was completely relaxed now, forehead against his, wide smile painted across his face. Trembling with the pure joy running through him. 

Feeling understood, truly understood was a wonderful feeling. Unbeatable. David had felt that way for a long time. Since that morning they'd woken up together in his room. After their first time but it wasn't that. It was the way Matteo, still half asleep, just let him talk. About everything. And the day before that too, and all night at the pool. Just listened to everything he'd bottled up for years. And the look on his face never changed, never faltered. Just kept on staring at him, almost struck dumb with love. And that look had never gone, and David knew he looked equally soft and vulnerable whenever he looked at him. Nothing would ever change that. 

"So what did Lea say?" David asked. 

Matteo shrugged. 

"Nothing she just wrote it down and then moved on," he said. 

David frowned, but then remembered that the last time she suggested something Matteo shut down immediately. Matteo was coping well, there was no need to rush this. This was going to need a careful and gentle approach. 

"And she didn't suggest anything? Ask any… relevant questions?" David asked. 

"No, I didn’t tell her about some of the other stuff though," Matteo admitted. 

"Other stuff?" David asked gently. 

Matteo shrugged again and looked away. He needed David to do this bit for him and he would. He would never speak over Matteo but when he couldn't voice his thoughts he would help him navigate them.

"So stuff like how sometimes you can’t talk, at all?" he suggested. 

That didn't happen that often, David could probably count the number of times it had happened with him on one hand. But he knew it happened more frequently with others. 

"Yeah," Matteo said. 

He was still calm. Reluctant but calm. 

"The bus? Parties? Crowds? Is it the noise?" David asked. 

Matteo shook his head, surprising him. 

"No. The noise doesn't help, makes it worse but… I just… it always feels like people can't see me. That I don't exist to them. They push and shove and it's like I don't exist. They look right through me," Matteo said. 

"Oh Matteo," David whispered. 

He'd actually talked about this before in one of their very first conversations. Back in the kitchen of the WG. How he was so scared of disappearing. David hadn't really got it at first but he'd asked him to explain. For some reason, they thought the best thing to talk about was their greatest fears.

And of course like it often was with them their fears were opposite. David had volunteered that he hated attention on him, that he hated being seen, that he wanted to get through life undetected. Even back then telling Matteo far more than he was usually comfortable sharing. Matteo's fear had been the exact opposite, disappearing, no one noticing, no one even remembering him. David hadn't known what to say then. Overwhelmed by the boy in front of him bearing his heart, showing him everything. 

David realised they'd never once had a shallow conversation. Every word they'd shared had been important, he treasured all of it.

He reached out and wrapped his hands around each of Matteo's arms. Squeezing tight and making him shudder and tip his head back. 

"And touch needing to be just right and how certain pressure helps keep you present?" he asked. 

Matteo looked back at him now. David didn't loosen his grip. 

"Yes," Matteo whispered. 

"Are you going to tell her?" David asked. 

"No." 

"No?" 

"I don’t want to know," Matteo insisted. 

But he did, he needed to or they wouldn't be having this conversation right now. 

"But you already know though," David said, he was certain of that now, "why don’t you want to know?" he asked. 

"Because it won’t make it go away," Matteo whined. 

And he was right and that was hard but David knew as soon as he acknowledged it as soon as he accepted it he would be so relieved. 

"No but she might be able to help you learn how to navigate… it," he said carefully. 

"You don't even know what it is! You won’t tell me!" Matteo snapped. 

"Do you want to tell me?" David asked. 

"No, I want you to tell me," Matteo begged. 

But that wouldn't be fair on him. Matteo needed to voice this. 

And David knew the exact pace he needed to speak at so that Matteo would get there first. It wasn't a trick, he wasn't playing games he was giving Matteo the space to speak. And he so desperately wanted to. 

"So you want me to tell you what I think it is?" David asked slowly. 

"No! Yes…" 

"Matteo do you think-" 

"I’m autistic… I think… maybe," he said quickly, desperate to get there first. 

Which David knew he had been all along. He knew he would say it first. And he saw the relief on his face from voicing it just for a second before the fear was back.

"Ok," David said gently. 

"Ok? So you knew?" Matteo demanded. 

But he wasn't mad he was processing and that threw his tone off sometimes. 

"No, but I had an idea," David said. 

"Did you google me? Like Amira?" he asked, worrying. 

David stroked his hair from where it had fallen over his face. 

"No. Not like Amira but yes once," he admitted. 

David got out his phone and looked through his history. He had to go quite far back. 

"Ok last summer I searched ‘i think my boyfriend has autism, how can I be there for him?’ we were on the road trip, we finally washed our clothes and you wouldn't wear them. Said they felt wrong. You would only wear them after I'd worn them," David said, "was it ok that I did that?" 

Matteo nodded.

"I googled it too, but only recently. I was trying to find out about this depression for the doctor,” he told him.

He was so reluctant to accept the depression but it was obvious now that it was because he didn't want it to overshadow the autism. Even though he said he didn’t want to, he did. He wanted to understand everything that was going on with him and start to take control of it.

“You knew before that?” David asked.

“No. Yeah. I tried to ignore it for a while,” Matteo said.

“How long?” David asked.

“At the beginning of middle school it was such a change and everything was hard there and at home and I started to think maybe… but then there was so much going on and some of what I found out didn’t fit, so I ignored it. I thought it was just me being a weird kid, I thought it would go away but then it didn't. I'm an adult now right? And I still have all this stuff and it’s not going anywhere. And… a lot of it I don’t think I even want to change because I’m happy. I know I’m depressed now and it hits me and takes over and it’s really scary but I think I can get through that and the other stuff, the autistic stuff? That's just me,” Matteo said.

David beamed at him, he was so proud. He’d had his doubts over whether or not he should’ve brought this up before now. But it wouldn’t have helped. Matteo needed to come to this realisation at his pace.

“I er... I kinda already told Amira or she’s definitely figured it out, sorry,” Matteo said.

“She hasn’t told me anything. But don’t be sorry I'm glad you figured it out, if you’re comfortable talking with Amira about this then that's good,” David insisted, he would never begrudge Matteo that.

He would tell who he needed when he was ready, and if Amira was the first person he was able to talk to about it then so be it.

“Comfortable is a stretch but it is easier talking to her. But…”

“But?”

Matteo frowned.

“She’s been nicer to me, since she figured it out and I’m not sure that I like it,” he admitted.

They had an unusual relationship, those two. David had been a little concerned the first time he’d heard them interacting, not too sure about the amount of dummy and dumbass that was thrown around. But Matteo responded to them as if they were terms of endearment. Amira had always been nice to him, she just showed it differently.

“You want her to keep being mean?” he asked.

“I don't want things to change,” Matteo said.

Of course not and it wouldn’t but this wasn’t about Matteo.

“I… I can’t speak for Amira but I don’t think she’s being nice to you because you're autistic,” David said.

“Then why?”

“Because right now you're going through so much and she doesn’t want to hurt you. I think she’s been nice to you since your panic attack over the phone. I think that scared her a little, she felt like she couldn’t help you, so she’s being extra gentle with you, but if you tell her to cut it out I know she will,” David said.

He leant back and stretched carefully. This bath was not comfortable. He was a lot bigger than he was when he used to hide in bathtubs. Matteo seemed to like it, never seemed to mind being squashed up.

“David I don’t want to see a doctor about it, the depression, yes but not this, there’s no point now, they can’t make it go away, I don't want them to try and fix it, it’s too late,” Matteo said.

David had a feeling he was thinking about teachers he’d had as a kid, trying to fix his behaviour rather than understand his needs. That would not happen now, he wouldn’t allow it.

“Ok but-”

“No David,” Matteo said.

“No I get where you’re coming from and I’m not a hundred percent sure but how they treat the depression may be different, because it may be related to you being autisitc, it may be from your childhood. It could be both. But how you work through it may require you to disclose a lot of it,” David explained, feeling bad for pushing this but he understood exactly how it felt.

It was the reason he hated doctors and wouldn’t go even if he was sick. All the fucking gendered questions he would have to answer just to get medication. No thanks. 

The clinic on campus was supposed to be good though, Coach Erik had told him he could get sports physio after an assessment at the clinic, said there would be no problems. He hadn't taken him up on that but he believed him. And Tay went there for help with their mental health. If he didn’t have the fancy package from his dad he would probably have given it a go.

“It’s the same for me, I have to disclose all shit that I hate and answer so many questions,” David told him.

“I don’t want to,” Matteo said quietly.

“Ok well maybe not straight away. Let's google it, look for forums with other autistic people with depression, see how it affects their treatment, it might not make a difference,” David said.

“It will though,” Matteo said.

He wasn’t stupid, he knew his own mind. 

“Probably,” David agreed.

“Thank you,” Matteo whispered, “you’re not going to-”

“No Matteo,” David said, not even willing to entertain the thought.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say,” Matteo mumbled.

“I’m not leaving you, nothing changes,” David said.

“You don’t even-”

“I don't need to think about it,” David insisted.

Matteo looked at him for a long while.

“Don’t interrupt me please. I know you think it's helping but I need to tell you why I'm scared,” he said quietly.

“Ok go,” David said gently.

“It’s just I'm never going to get less annoying,” Matteo said.

There it was again. David closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

“But you don’t annoy me,” he said.

“Ok but all those annoying things I do they’re not going away,” Matteo said.

“What annoying things?” David asked.

“David.”

“What annoying things Matteo?” he asked again, he wanted to know what it was.

“Like annoying you,” Matteo said.

David groaned from the ache as he stretched up over Matteo again. They would have to move soon or he would seize up but he could stay a little longer. He pressed Matteo against the tub again and felt him relax under his hands. All this would be so much easier if he could just give him a hug.

“Do you want to know the most annoying thing you do?” David asked him quietly.

Matteo looked down and shook his head.

“I’ll tell you anyway,” David said, tilting his face up to his and touching his forehead with his own, “it’s when you don’t believe me when I say you're not annoying-”

“David-”

“And I know, I know it’s more complicated than that. I know these doubts and fears you have can’t be switched off but let me tell you it is incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking that you won’t believe me,” David told him.

“I’m-”

“Please don’t say you’re sorry, it’s not your fault. It’s all the people who’ve never taken the time to understand you, have called you annoying or snapped at you or told you to shut up and I hate that, I hate that I didn’t know you sooner and kept you away from them. Yeah you know what you’re a bit odd, and the things you do might seem weird, probably even to you but you’re not hurting anyone-”

“What about when I ruin your stuff?” Matteo asked.

And the urgency in his voice meant it was something he’d been dwelling on a while. David had no idea what he was talking about though.

“When?” he asked.

“The storyboard, all that shit I drew in your sketchbook without asking, I dropped your camera lens because I was touching when I shouldn't, and... and what about when I knocked over that spider plant it died, David,” he said.

David frowned, he’d forgotten about all of that.

“Ok I have plenty of plants, I wasn’t angry about that. The camera lens was an accident, and you bought me a new one even though I told you not to. You’re allowed to touch my stuff Matteo, don’t ever think you’re not allowed. And I love the little things you draw for me, I mean they’re terrible but I really love them. I really do, if you want we can get you your own book, to help you not feel guilty but I really like finding them. And yeah my sketchbook is private to most, but I like you looking. I leave it there for you to look. Sometimes it's easier to explain stuff with drawings. If I didn’t want you in there I would tell you and you would listen, I know you would,” David said.

Matteo had never drawn over any of his own sketches but sometimes he would turn to the back, where David had left space, and draw his own stuff. Sometimes they were answers to his own angry drawings, ridiculous overly smiley renditions of the two of them. There were a lot of terrible little drawings. Mostly of a stick figure David and their friends. Some of Aldo and the cats. A lot of birds. _I love you_ written a lot.

Matteo nodded.

“Ok. Ok. And the storyboard?” David prompted.

Matteo looked down ashamed.

“That was different that was annoying,” David said.

Matteo’s face sank.

“Why did you do it? Throw the rocks?” David asked.

David knew exactly why he had but he wondered if Matteo did.

“You were ignoring me,” Matteo said.

“No I wasn't I was talking to you, why did you throw the rocks?” he asked again.

“To get your attention,” Matteo said.

“No,” David said.

“To make you look at me,” Matteo said.

“No.”

“To annoy you,” Matteo whispered, ashamed.

David wasn’t having that, he lifted Matteo’s head and kissed his burning cheeks.

“Yes but why?” he asked gently.

“I don't know,” Matteo mumbled.

“You do,” David said.

“I don't,” he said.

Maybe he really didn’t.

“You were pushing Matteo, you don’t do it as much but back then you would push so hard, try so hard to see what would make me snap at you, what the limits were,” David said.

He’d realised it pretty early on but didn’t really understand why for a while. But once he got it he tried to do everything he could to assure Matteo that was never going to happen. And eventually he stopped pushing. David hoped it was because he knew there was no limit.

“Oh.”

“Yes it was annoying but when you weren’t doing that? Pushing? When it’s the stuff you can’t help? I’m not going to get mad, I might not get it, I might even say you’re being weird or ridiculous but I only ever mean it in the fondest terms,” David said.

“I'm sorry for pushing,” Matteo said.

“No Matteo-”

“I wanted to see what was allowed,” Matteo admitted.

So he had known what he was doing. It made David feel a little sad, that he felt there was a limit to how much of him he would accept. When that was the furthest thing from the truth. There was no limit to his love for Matteo.

“I know and I promise if you take it too far, if you do something that bothers me I will tell you and I will explain why but if it’s something you can't help then we’ll figure it out, that's how this works you know? I love you and I will always make allowances for you, you do the same for me all the time Matteo. Because we’re a team, we do what we can to make each other happy and safe, you know that,” David said.

Matteo nodded and finally smiled again. His eyes were shining.

“I love you, I really love you,” he whispered, closing his eyes to try and stop the tears falling. It didn’t work but David just rubbed them away.

“I love you too Matteo, so much, you know that right?” David asked.

Matteo opened his eyes and nodded, just staring at him. It wasn’t uncomfortable, never had been. Even before they were dating and he would just stare and stare and not say a word.

Sometimes there were no words to be said, and Matteo had to get things across in other ways. Right now he was a little overwhelmed but calm and safe, and he was looking at David, looking him in the eye to let him know how he felt. It was what he’d said earlier, it was the good kind of overwhelmed.

And David knew.

“You stare at me a lot,” he said.

Matteo nodded, still not saying anything.

“I know what you mean now usually, when you can’t talk. But do you remember on the bus, and you were staring, god I don’t think I'd ever blushed so much I thought I would catch fire,” he said, he’d never felt so seen, had no idea what Matteo was thinking but he wouldn’t look away.

David had no idea what to make of it. But he’d liked it. He’d really like it, being looked at like that.

“Oh god that wasn’t that I couldn’t talk,” Matteo whispered, breaking his silence.

“No?”

“It was that if I said anything it would be embarrassing, that was me trying not to blurt shit out,” Matteo explained.

David laughed.

“What did you want to blurt out? How hot I was? How you couldn’t resist me?” David asked.

Matteo shook his head, blushing.

“No,” he said.

“Ouch,” David said.

“I mean... no... I mean-”

David cut him off, kissing him hard, trying not to grin and failing.

“I’m teasing you,” he murmured.

“I just wanted to know you, like I didn’t care as what then. I just wanted you to like me and want to be around me, like all I wanted was to follow you around and be with you in whatever way you’d let me and I knew if I spoke I would’ve ended up saying all that and scared you away. But I couldn’t not blurt it out so I just stared because I'm not good at normal conversation you know that,” Matteo said.

God did David love him, he was so sweet and awkward and David loved him exactly how he was.

“I know, straight in with the deep stuff with you,” he said.

“Huh?”

“Our first conversation we talked about me killing my parents, which was me basically hinting at things not being ok with them, you told me you just wanted to run away, and I agreed. It wasn’t exactly light stuff, we’ve never done small talk really have we?” David asked.

“True,” Matteo said.

“Then in the kitchen we talked about everything, school stress, the future, you told me so much too. Like straight away you bared your soul. Told me you hated night and the winter and cold, but you hated summer too because it was too hot and bright. I remember you zoning out and mumbling how sometimes you didn’t feel real and it scared you. You told me so much and I fell so hard and I absolutely hated that I couldn’t share too,” David said.

He’d known if he’d stayed there much longer that night he would have shared far more than he was actually comfortable sharing, just because of Matteo’s open nature. So of course he’d run off.

“You did though, in ridiculous ways. Like killing your parents, or when you tried to say you were a vampire. Or in the park when you told me that poem about the wolves, that was the bullies right? Or at the base, after you made me film on the stairs you were talking about how you liked places like that. How it had been abandoned but you still wanted to explore it, sometimes abandoned things were still worth something but-”

David grabbed him and pulled him against him, kissing over and over, tangling his fingers in his hair and breathing him in.

“Oh fuck Matteo how could I ever not love you, even when you didn’t know what I was talking about with my cryptic bullshit you just understood anyway,” he said, gasping for breath.

“Yeah. Always,” Matteo said, equally breathless.

“I love you,” David whispered, kissing him again.

“I love you too,” he said.

“Don’t stop seeing Lea,” David said.

She was doing him so much good, he didn’t want him pulling away from her.

“I won’t,” Matteo promised.

“I think you should tell her the rest of this, she won’t make you see a doctor about anything you don’t want to. She’s not going to make you do anything you don’t want to, she might try to convince you, if she pushes too hard then we’ll find you someone else, but it’ll be ok,” David said.

“I think… yeah ok, I don't want to stop because it’s helping, it’s helping to sort everything out,” Matteo said.

“That’s so good Matteo,” he said.

“Do you think I'm going to be ok? Because nothing has to change right? I think maybe I will be? If I keep seeing Lea and the doctor about my depression and with being autisic I found loads of stuff online, can I show you,” Matteo said.

David nodded.

“And I think if I can get a handle on it, on everything, maybe I can be ok,” Matteo said.

“You’re going to be amazing,” David promised him.

Suddenly Matteo grinned.

“How did you google about being trans?” he asked.

David frowned. That was years ago.

“I don’t remember, why?” he asked. 

“Just wondering if you asked like ‘hello google I think maybe I'm trans can you help me?’ because you know you could’ve just googled ‘autistic boyfriend’ and you would have got the same answer,” Matteo said. 

“Oh fuck off!” David said, pulling his hair, “but I am so proud of you Matteo, I… I used to hate seeing the psychologist and the counsellor. It all felt like such bullshit back then. But.... lately I’ve been thinking I might go back too,” David admitted.

He hadn’t told Matteo that yet, in all the fuss of the move he’d booked his appointment and then been distracted by all the packing.

“Yeah?”

“I think I'd like to talk about my parents. Discuss it with a responsible adult. I can’t talk to Laura about it because it's about her too. I talked to your mama the other day, remember?”

Matteo nodded.

“She’s asking me so many questions about you being trans?”

In all the chaos of the move he hadn’t even discussed that properly with Matteo yet. But it wasn’t a problem now they had their own place and once they were all settled they would have all the time in the world to talk. 

“Yeah?”

“Nothing bad, but she’s a bit like me. You know? Scared of saying the wrong thing,” Matteo explained.

“It happens, and like it's not an excuse but she’s older I don’t expect her to know this stuff or even know where to look. But she’s trying so that's what matters,” David said.

“Yeah but what else did you talk about?”

“Er… my parents how it's kinda like they're only just coming round,” David said.

“Oh that makes sense. She really wants me to know that she loves me, keeps insisting that no matter what and that she was sorry that I ever felt scared coming out to her,” he said. “I don’t think she’d even considered it until she heard about your mum.”

“I must have worried her,” David said.

“I never did you know?”

“No?” 

“I knew she loved me. I just... with her being ill? I didn't know how to tell her, and she was getting better but it had been so long since I’d seen her, and I just kind of wound myself up about it. But yeah I told her we were both fine, and that maybe she should ask you these questions and like if she asks the wrong thing you won’t be mad you’ll just tell her, right?”

David nodded he didn’t mind explaining things to her, knew she never meant any harm.

“Yeah that's fine,” he said.

“But then I had to remind her that you didn't need like a million questions blowing up your phone,” Matteo said.

David just laughed.

“She’s very curious,” Matteo explained.

“About me being trans?”

“About everything. She’s always like that, wanting to know every single thing about a topic. But we were talking about therapy,” Matteo reminded him.

“Yeah so like I talked to your mum about my parents and it was great to unload and she had some good opinions and ideas about my mum but… she loves me and she’s biased. She can’t have a neutral opinion,” David said.

“That's true. She really loves you,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, so I think I'm going to speak to a therapist about all of this. Otherwise I'm just going to keep dwelling on it,” David said.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“I’ve made an appointment already,” David told him, “it’s on Monday,” he said.

“Wow proud of you babe,” Matteo said.

“Proud of you too, we’ve got this,” David said.

He groaned. He couldn’t stay in the tub any longer. Matteo got it and helped him out, then followed him. Tripping as soon as he was on his feet. David took his hand and led him out of the bathroom.

When they stepped back out into the living room, only Jonas, Hanna, and Laura were left, sitting on the sofa.

“Oh,” Matteo said, looking round. 

Everything was unpacked, and tidied. All the cardboard boxes gone. It was all ready for them to start living. 

They had the best friends ever. 

Hanna and Jonas just beamed at them

“Thank you,” Matteo whispered.

They just shook their heads fondly, stood up and hugged him tight. Then they turned to David and Jonas squeezed his shoulders carefully.

“You need anything else man, just call, ok?” Jonas reminded him.

“I will,” David said.

Hanna kissed his cheek, then hugged Matteo again, before they both headed for the door.

“So your first apartment,” Laura said, smiling at him.

David sat down next to her and Matteo sat down next to him.

“I know,” David whispered.

“Doing ok Matteo? You two have been gone hours,” Laura said.

“An hour tops,” David argued.

“I was just telling David… I’m… I’m ok, there’s some stuff but can I tell you later?” he mumbled.

Laura smiled at him.

“Of course Matteo, take all the time you need. But you two are going to be fine. I know I complained about the place, but actually it’s pretty good isn't it? It’s got a lot of potential,” she said.

If Matteo wasn’t here she wouldn’t be admitting that, out of pure stubbornness.

“Yeah it really has,” Matteo agreed.

“I think you'll be very happy here,” she said.

“Are you going to be ok?” David asked her.

“Yes David I'll be fine,” she said.

“Are you sure?” Matteo asked.

“Boys look I'm sure I'll advertise for a roommate if I start to get lonely,” she said.

“Ok,” David said, his worry somewhat eased.

She seemed fine, enjoyed her own company enough. And she had a lot of friends. He knew he didn’t need to worry about her but she’d been taking care of him for a long time now. He still felt a little bit like he was leaving her behind.

“But don’t worry I expect you over all the time, both of you,” Laura said.

“Really?” Matteo asked.

“Yes Matteo, I'll miss you more than David I think,” she said.

He blushed bright red and ducked his head. David kicked her, she shoved him away and stood up.

“But I guess I'd better go, you two probably want to christen the apartment,” she said, looking down at them.

Now it was David’s turn to blush.

“We’re not allowed,” Matteo mumbled.

Laura burst out laughing.

“Oh that’s right! Well then it’s good practice for when you’re an old married couple I guess,” she said.

“Get out,” David muttered.

She just continued to laugh and swanned out of the apartment.

“She thinks she’s so funny,” David said.

Matteo just kept giggling beside him.

“She is funny,” he said.

“Don’t take her side,” David complained.

“Grumpy,” Matteo said, prodding him.

“So our first night in our new apartment. What do you want to do?” David asked.

“I’ll make dinner,” Matteo said.

“Sounds good,” David said.

They both stood up, Matteo headed to the kitchen, and David stood in the middle of the room, looking around. Their own place. It was exactly what he’d hoped.

“Do you think you can push this couch by yourself?” he called out.

Matteo stepped out again and frowned at him.

“No? Why?”

“I want it against the bed,” David said.

Matteo glanced over at the bed and then back at the sofa.

“Oh! Yeah ok maybe,” he said.

“Then we can hold hands, I’m not having you sleep on the floor anymore,” David said.

It took him a lot of huffing and puffing but he did manage to drag the sofa alongside the bed. And after dinner David laid down on the bed, propped up by the various pillows, and Matteo laid beside him on the sofa. Comfortable and relaxed. They would sleep well tonight.

He reached out and took his hand. It was perfect. Their own apartment.

* * *

####  **ok.cool**

_Carlos (Saturday, 22.35): You ok Matteo?_

_Carlos (22.36): We did a good job right David?_

_Abdi (22.38): Hanna made us leave as soon as everything was unpacked_

_Abdi (22.39): And Jonas let her_

_Carlos (22.40): We wanted to stay and see if you were ok Matteo_

_Carlos (22.41): But Hanna said you’d prefer it if we didn’t_

_Abdi (22.43): But she was allowed to stay_

_Jonas (22.45): Will you stop whining_

_Jonas (22.46): He left the room because he was stressed_

_Jonas (22.47): The more people in the room the more stressed he gets_

_Carlos (22.48): I just wanted to know he was ok_

_Carlos (22.49): Because of last time_

_Jonas (22.51): Ok sorry_

_Jonas (22.52): They were really happy that everything was unpacked_

_Jonas (22.53): I think it was a big relief_

_Jonas (22.54): Now they can just get on with enjoying the apartment_

_Abdi (22.58): Do we reckon they're sleeping rn?_

_Jonas (22.59): Yeah probably_

_Abdi (23.04): And yet we did all the work_

_Carlos (23.07): Slackers_

* * *

####  **David and Matteo’s relocation support squad ❤🏡📦🚐❤**

_Carlos (Sunday, 09.15): So that was a totally successful move I think_

_Carlos (09.16): Matteo and David you disappeared so you didn’t see me lifting all the boxes_

_Carlos (09.17): And David, Markus said I was strong so there_

_Markus (09.20): He was pretty helpful_

_Carlos (09.21): You said strong_

_Finn (09.22): You certainly lifted some boxes_

_Emil (09.24): You certainly complained about it_

_Carlos (09.25): I am strong_

_Finn (09.29): Weren’t you carrying boxes of pillows and clothes?_

_Carlos (09.34): I carried the fucking couch_

_Finn (09.36): So did I_

_Emil (09.39): Me too_

_Jonas (09.41): And me_

_Emil (09.42): It wasn’t even that heavy_

_Tay (09.43): I carried some pretty heavy boxes down from David’s yesterday_

_Sara (09.45): Yeah me too what the hell was in some of them_

_Leonie (09.46): Sex toys_

_David (09.47): Fuck off it was art shit_

_Tay (09.48): Omg twenty kilos of sex toys imagine 😱_

_David (09.49): There’s no way you lifted anything close to twenty kilos_

_Tay (09.51): Felt like it_

_Carlos (09.52): I can lift twenty kilos_

_Jonas (09.53): Omg no one cares Carlos_

_Kiki (09.54): Babe let it go_

_Kiki (09.55): Matteo are you ok now_

_Kiki (09.56): Me and Hanna got you replacement plates while you were in the bathroom hope they were ok_

_Kiki (09.57): We thought they were quite fun_

_Kiki (09.58): Very you_

_Kiki (10.01): Did Hanna give you the receipt? You can get grown up ones if you want_

_Matteo (10.05): No I love the dinosaurs_

_Carlos (10.07): I want dinosaur plates_

_Kiki (10.09): Move in with Matteo_

_Kiki (10.11): But are you ok Matteo?_

_Kiki (10.12): I know yesterday was very stressful, moving always is and it feels like unpacking is an impossible task. But you did it and you’re in your apartment and I hope it's everything you wanted_

_Matteo (10.15): It is thank you Kiki and thank you for organising it, it would have been so hard without your help_

_Kiki (10.16): Of course I just wanted to make it that bit easier_

_Kiki (10.17): I know last time you moved you were going through a bad time_

_Kiki (10.18): I know how it feels to leave home before you’re ready but you have no choice_

_Kiki (10.20): I just wanted this time to feel as different from that as possible_

_Matteo (10.22): It did I promise it did_

_Matteo (10.22): And I’m ok_

_Matteo (10.23): Yesterday was a lot but I’m ok_

_Matteo (10.24): I will be ok_

_David (10.25): We will be_

_Jonas (10.26): You will_

_Carlos (10.39): Are you having a housewarming party?_

_David (10.41): No_

_Matteo (10.45): I’d like that_

_Matteo (10.47): Not like last time_

_Matteo (10.50): Nothing too loud just beers and food and hanging out_

_Matteo (10.52): No disco lights Hans_

_Hans (10.55): Spoil my fun_

_Hans (10.56): But I’ll be there butterfly_

_David (11.02): ok then friday?_

_David (11.05): show up at like 20_

_Carlos (11.11): AWESOME_

_Carlos (11.11):_ 🎉🥳🎊🍾🍻🎈

* * *

Matteo was pacing the apartment again, back to anxious. David swore he'd probably managed about two miles by this point. They’d had a calm evening. David felt like he’d finally got a proper night’s sleep, close together with Matteo on the sofa pushed up against the bed. They’d held hands through the night. David woke when Matteo pulled free at the crack of dawn and got up to start tidying the nonexistent mess.

Ok it was more like nine when he’d woken but he hadn’t stopped apart from to make them some lunch.

The sofa was back in place by the window and Matteo was putting the cushions back. It all looked a bit dated and Matteo was stressing. But David thought it looked nice, homey in a way his parents house never did.

His dad was supposed to visit today and Matteo was far more anxious about it than he was. David wasn't worried because he cared so little about the man's opinion, if he didn’t like the apartment then David would ask him to leave. He’d invited him, he was in control. Plus his dad was too polite, would never actually say anything.

But he knew this wasn’t really about his dad, it was about Matteo’s. David had figured out by now that all the cooking, all the cleaning and keeping things in order was to take care of his mum yes, but it was also a desperate attempt to get him to stay. It was so sad. Devastatingly so. And probably Matteo thought it might be easier for David and his dad if the apartment was nice and tidy and they had somewhere comfortable to talk. But it was tidy, and Matteo was stressing over nothing.

No matter how many times David had told him it would be ok. That his dad wasn’t like his mum, was actually weirdly chill about all of this. That their relationship healing did not depend on the placement of the cushions. 

"Matteo, baby, it doesn't have to be perfect you know?" David reminded him, finally stepping in front of him to stop the pacing. 

This had to stop, he was going to get ill soon. Physically ill. Stress like this took its toll on the body.

He placed a hand on Matteo's shoulder and squeezed tight, using his other to lift Matteo's face to look at him. 

David sighed, his eyes were shining. His lips were red and bitten, not in a good way. He'd chewed them almost to the point of bleeding. David ran a thumb over them, and pressed a gentle kiss there, making a mental note to get him some lip balm.

Matteo pulled back slightly, staring at him with wild eyes. 

"But we need to keep on top David! Do you have any idea how quickly it can get out of hand if you don’t keep things clean? First it's a few dirty plates, and then its piles of them and laundry too. Paper and rubbish everywhere. And it will stink and then the clothes will stink and the kids at school will laugh! And everything gets so dusty and dirty! And you can’t clean up because no one will help and you have to go to school and there’s homework-"

"Breathe Matteo," David said.

He was right, this was nothing to do with his dad visiting and everything to do with Matteo's childhood. 

"Matteo," David said calmly, keeping Matteo's head up, and looking him in the eye, "Matteo it's not going to be like that, we can keep it tidy ok? We can," he insisted. 

He pulled Matteo closer and let him rest his head on his shoulder. They stood as close as they could and Matteo sighed, finally getting his breathing back on track. 

"It doesn't have to be perfect, it's not a show home. But we’ll keep it tidy. I promise you I won't let the dishes pile up, we’ll keep on top of the laundry. We’ll take the rubbish out every morning as we go out yeah? When I’m stronger we can take it in turns vacuuming ok? I promise you it will never get as bad as that," David said.

It wouldn’t. David didn’t care how messy or cluttered the apartment got. But if Matteo needed it clean he would keep it clean. Whatever it took. It wasn’t a task for him, it was necessary, to make Matteo comfortable here. 

Matteo hadn’t cared about the shared areas of the WG, had groaned and complained when Hans tried to get him to do chores. Hadn’t really bothered to keep his own room tidy, until he started working at Ingrid’s and getting on top. That’s when David had first noticed these behaviours. But this? This was different. This was his home now, his first proper one since moving out. The WG was home but Hans took care of him there. Now he was taking care of himself again. This was something he was responsible for and the pressure had sent him into overdrive. They would get a handle on it though. Because he wasn’t alone not like before.

David couldn’t stop him tidying because that would make it worse. But he could help and he could keep things calm until Matteo himself got it back under control.

"Ok," Matteo whispered. 

"Matteo do you not want to be here when he comes?" David asked gently. 

"No I will be here. I’ll stay," Matteo insisted. 

"Ok then let's sit," David said, leading Matteo over to the sofa.

It was perfect here, under the big window, spring light streaming in and bathing them in gold. Yeah it may be a little run down but it was still beautiful. These old buildings had such large windows. The light was perfect for drawing. In the summer it would be so bright. Possibly too bright David thought glancing down at Matteo curled up in his lap. He added heavy curtains to the list of things they still needed. 

They sat there waiting, just quietly there with each other. Matteo laid his head in David’s lap and David ran his fingers through his hair, trying to soothe away the anxiety. He knew it didn't work like that, but it had to help. 

His dad showed up ten minutes later. Exactly on time. Thankfully Matteo had calmed down a little, enough to get up and buzz him in, leave the door on the latch, then immediately retreat to the kitchen before David had even gotten up. He wasn't too keen on this whole Matteo moving around faster than him. 

“Hello David, how are you doing?” his dad said as David met him in the hallway. 

"Coffee? Er… drinks?" Matteo asked from the kitchen. 

"Black coffee please," his dad said. 

He looked around the living room and eyed the sofa warily, it obviously didn't meet his usual standards. But still he took off his suit jacket and placed it on the arm of the sofa. Then he sat down. 

David rolled his eyes, only his father would wear a suit to visit his son in his new home. Although David didn't remember ever seeing him in anything else. Wasn't sure if the man even owned a t-shirt let alone jeans. He sat down next to him. 

"Good I'm doing good," David said quietly. 

His dad nodded thoughtfully. This was awkward. David had no idea what to say, no idea how to make conversation with this man. It was easier on the phone, maybe they should have just done this over text. It was actually easier to talk to his mum he realised. Yeah they argued, constantly. But they talked, he was always open with her whether she liked it or not. It was never small talk. 

Before he could try and stumble through something Matteo came back out of the kitchen and shakily handed both of them a cup of black coffee. He hadn't asked for one but he wasn't going to say anything now. 

"Thank you Matteo," his dad said sincerely, looking at him with something akin to concern. 

David raised an eyebrow at that, he was surprised his dad had even remembered his boyfriend's name. 

Perhaps he should be cutting him a little more slack, he was obviously more attentive to David's life than he'd realised. 

Matteo hovered awkwardly for a moment, clearly wanting to hide in the kitchen. But instead he sat down on the floor by David who immediately placed his hand in Matteo's hair, moving his head so it was resting against his leg. 

He stared at his father in challenge, but the man just smiled warmly at them. David needed to relax and stop trying to pick a fight but it was all he knew. And he wanted a fight, didn't want his dad here calm and comfortable. Just relaxing and coming back into his life like he'd done nothing wrong. 

But they were supposed to be healing. This attitude wouldn't help. 

"So this is your new place?" his dad asked. 

"Yeah," David said. 

"It’s… nice," he said, obviously lying, "very cool." 

He wondered where his dad was living now. Laura said he'd moved out. Probably in with his fancy woman. Some shiny glass penthouse, with absolutely no character. 

David sighed. 

"You didn’t have to come. Look if you don’t care, we can just keep going how we always have. And eventually I will get a job and I'll no longer need your money and you can just forget about me then," David said, "but don't come in here sneering at the place because it doesn't meet your ridiculous standards. This is our home. Matteo has been cleaning all morning and-" 

"David," Matteo warned, "he said it was nice," he said. 

"I meant it David this is very cool, this is the kind of place all the young folk want right?"

David refrained from rolling his eyes but only just. 

"Your mother lived somewhere like this, when she was in uni, back when we first started dating. I always liked it, had far more character than the apartment my parents got me,” he said.

Matteo actually smiled at him, and despite himself he was warming to his father. 

"She had a lot of wall hangings to brighten the place up," his dad suggested. 

"Actually I'm going to paint that wall," David said, "I'm going to change it with the seasons," he explained. 

"Oh that's even better," his dad said, "he's always been so creative, such a beautiful imagination," he told Matteo. 

Matteo nodded, smiling widely and taking it in. What the hell was happening? This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Or it was if they had a normal relationship. But they didn't. 

"Stop it!" David snapped, "you're not here to make pleasantries," he said. 

To his surprise his dad nodded and looked around before putting his cup down on the floor. Matteo shifted but didn't get up to move it. 

"I know," his dad said quietly, "but David I don’t know how to do this,” he said, wringing his hands.

"What?" David demanded. 

"Be a father to you," he said. 

That was not his problem, the man had had nineteen long years to learn that. 

"Well I don’t know either, it’s on you, not me. I shouldn't be the one telling you how to parent," David said. 

"You’re right I'm sorry," he said. 

At least he was sorry, he was sincere in his apology. Two apologies in a week, he'd never thought he'd hear those words from either of them if he was honest with himself. But then until recently he'd never thought he'd hear anything from them again. 

"That's a start," he said. 

"I am sorry David. So sorry. For everything. For being so absent when you were young. For not defending you against your mother. I know she hurt you with her words," his father said. 

David scoffed. That was an understatement. 

"When you told us you were transgender, I was afraid. I didn’t know how to be there for you. I didn’t know how to be there for you when you were a normal kid and then that-" 

"Jesus christ are you fucking kidding me?" 

His father was definitely one of those people who should just keep his mouth shut. He knew that wasn't what he meant but that still fucking hurt. Matteo grabbed his hand and squeezed it. 

"I mean… not normal… I just mean when everything was ok," he said. 

David glared at him. That was not better. He was ok now, nothing had been ok then. He meant easier when everything was easier to ignore. 

"I don't know how to say it David," his father said. 

"Carry on," he said, through gritted teeth. 

"I was scared of fucking it up, I knew you needed me and I wanted to be there for you but I was scared so I just carried on as before," he admitted. 

That was the dumbest thing he'd ever heard. But yet familiar too. 

"That makes no sense," David muttered. 

"Yes it does," Matteo whispered before clamping his mouth firmly shut and staring at the ground. 

David reached out and lifted his head. 

"How do you mean?" he asked. 

"Just… not everyone is brave like you. And fear causes inaction, it's paralysing," he said, "and even you, until recently you would run from all your problems instead of confront them."

He was right of course. It hurt a bit but it was true. He shouldn't judge so harshly when he had behaved similarly. 

Matteo stared at David wide eyed. 

"Sorry I'll go," he whispered, but David held him there. 

"Stay please," David said. 

Matteo just nodded and David was starting to understand some things about his father, nothing that would excuse him. But enough that he was willing to hear him out. He would give him a chance. 

"Talk," David said. 

His father stared at him, clearly having no idea what to say now that he had the option. David sighed. If he wanted the truth he was going to have to drag it out of him. 

"Why are you divorcing mum?" 

"She's divorcing me or we're divorcing each other I mean, it's mutual I promise. We talked about it for a long time, we agreed it was for the best. It wasn't anything to do with you or any of this. We were hardly in a healthy marriage, and it was that way long before you were born," his father explained. 

"You cheated on her," David said. 

He actually felt bad for her about that, had done since she'd told him. Yeah she wasn't very nice but he should have just left her not strung her along like that. And she wasn't nearly as strong as she used to think she was. The woman he thought he'd known would have never stood being treated like that. She was incredibly insecure. 

His father hung his head. 

"Yes," he admitted. 

"It was the whole time wasn't it? Since the start?" David asked. 

"I was going to end it with your mother, I swear, but then she got pregnant, so I had to stay" his dad said, “I don’t expect you to understand, you’re still so young.”

That was part of the problem now. His dad still thought of him as a child. 

“No I’m not, I’m not a child, I had to grow up pretty damn quick,” David reminded him.

"And you should have still ended it," Matteo muttered. 

"I know," his dad agreed, "but I was a coward. David I've never made my own decisions, hell the first time I did anything against my parents wishes was dating your mother. And oh they hated her for it," he said. 

Did he ever love her or was dating her an act of rebellion? Was all of this just one big fuck up? How the hell would they have ever gotten it right if the entire relationship was based on such a rocky foundation? They'd made mistake after mistake, wrong decision followed by wrong decision. No wonder they were all in the mess they were now. 

But this wasn't his thing to fix. He was being dragged in again. 

"She hated me because of you, because _you_ treated her badly," David said. 

"But I got you away from her," his father said. 

It wasn't that damn simple. 

"That wasn't enough! Me and Laura, we were children! We needed parents! I didn't need to be sent away! I needed you to love me!" David yelled. 

Finally letting it out, it felt good. He had hold of Matteo's hand so tight now it must be hurting but he didn't make a sound. 

"We do love you, I love you, your mother does too!" his dad insisted. 

"Well you needed to fucking show us! Instead you were too busy cheating on my mother and avoiding her that you were never once there for us! Buying me shit? That's not the fucking same! I've never had a real conversation with you, not once! Hell me and mum may always scream at each other but at least we're talking, at least she's not avoiding it, she may be saying shit but at least she's fucking honest with me!" 

David gasped, his chest was hurting, he was too worked up. He couldn't breathe but before he could even start panicking Matteo had him up on his feet, standing behind him, arms around his waist, one hand flat on his chest. 

"David?" his dad asked worriedly, getting up from the couch.

"Stay back. Ignore him David," Matteo said, "just shut up a minute ok? David match my breathing, you know how to do this," he said. 

He did, he'd been on the other side of this so many times. He felt Matteo's chest expanding behind him and copied him until he felt his breathing slow. Back under control. 

That wasn't a panic attack, not like Matteo's. It was anger running through him, too much rage and adrenaline causing him to lose control. It felt awful. He felt sick and exhausted. He'd hurt himself too, hurt his chest. Everything ached but it felt so good to let it out. 

Matteo sat him back down again, hand on his neck measuring his pulse. When he was satisfied he stepped back and gestured for his dad to sit back down. 

"I am so sorry, so sorry David," he said as he did. 

"God I ought to just cut both of you out of my life and be done, tell people I'm a fucking orphan. Sometimes I think it would be easier if you were both just bigots and rejected me. But it's not that at all with you. You're just that shitty of a father that you don't want to be involved. I asked you if you cared that I was trans and you said no, but I need you to care. I need you not to dismiss it. I don't want you to treat it as a problem, but I need you to fucking acknowledge it," David said. "What you did? Throwing money at it just like all your other problems? That fucking hurt."

His dad looked shaken and David knew he hadn't meant it to seem that way. 

"I'm so sorry, I never knew what to say about it, about you being… transgender and I ended up glossing over it. I felt like I didn't deserve to be there for you," he said. 

"I know and you left it to Laura barely three years older than me," David said. 

"Can you forgive me? I want to try, I want to be there for you now if you'll let me. I know I can't erase the past but if you'll let me I want to be in your future," he said 

"I… it's not that easy," David said. 

But he wanted to, desperately. Despite all the anger he wanted a dad. All he'd ever wanted was parents who loved him. Why couldn't he have that? Why did it have to be so hard? Why did he have to make this horrible choice? 

"I know David but I'm willing to put in the effort, I want to be there for you in whatever way you'll let me," he said. 

He didn't know what to do. He looked at Matteo who just stared back at him. Matteo trusted people, gave his heart over easily, wore it on his sleeve. He forgave. Had forgiven his own father in an instant. He believed people when they were sorry, could let go of their mistakes. David didn't know how to do that. 

"What should I do?" he asked him. 

"What do you want to do?" Matteo asked. 

"I want to give him a chance," David admitted. 

Matteo just shrugged, as if it was obvious. 

"But what if he fucks up?" 

"But David he's going to though. I've just met him today and I can tell you he is going to. He's going to do or say the wrong thing, probably a lot. Not just about you being trans but about your mum, and this lady he's sleeping with, and your past. But it'll be through stupidity not malice. And isn't it more important that he tries? That when he fucks up he apologises and tries again? People fuck up, no one's perfect, but I promise every time he does, anytime anyone does, I'll be there for you. Because look I'm going to fuck up we've got the rest of our lives together there's no way I won't. And you will too, but I'll forgive you. And I know you'll forgive me because it's me. But I think they maybe deserve it too. We are all human, even our parents and we all make mistakes," Matteo said. 

Both David and his dad just stared at Matteo until he got too uncomfortable and turned away. 

David was starting to understand the way in which Matteo saw the world. He would never see it that way, too stubborn. But he trusted Matteo, and knew he was right about this. 

"Ok,” he said, after a few minutes.

He looked at his father who was watching him hopefully. Slowly, so slowly David shuffled closer to his father and allowed the man to give him the first hug he’d had from him in years. Just like all his hugs at the moment it was one sided, but for the first time ever David felt safe in his father’s arms. 

Matteo got up then and left them to it, giving them space.

“Ok I’m willing to let you try, but there is no quick fix. You have to really fucking try,” David said.

“I will, I really will,” he insisted, stroking David’s back, comforting him like he never thought him capable.

David nodded, and blinked back tears. They just sat there quietly for a while. He didn’t know why he was getting upset. But since his parents had come back into his life, he was learning that he had missed them all this time. No matter how much he tried to deny it. He still loved them, both of them, even after everything. 

But he knew now that there was nothing wrong with that. He was allowed to love them. All he’d ever wanted was for them to love him, and be decent parents. He was willing to give his father another chance to fix this. He was even willing to give his mother another chance, almost. She’d have to actually want to try first.

They were not fixed or healed, far from it. But he was willing to keep listening if his father was willing to try. He never thought he would get to this point. But yet here he was, in his own apartment, having coffee with his father and his boyfriend. 

His boyfriend who had gotten up for the bathroom ten minutes ago and clearly wasn’t coming back anytime soon. He was giving them space and hiding too. Today had been a lot for all of them.

“You could’ve gone for a nicer apartment you know, I would’ve paid, Matteo’s half too,” his father said after a while. "I like it but I don't want you here just because its all you can afford." 

David rolled his eyes. He knew he was trying to make conversation, he wondered if the man only knew how to talk about money. But he had to make allowances he supposed.

“We want something that's ours. Matteo’s already paying half of his share because he’s working. I'm going to get a job and do the same,” David said.

His father shook his head.

“Finish school first please. Don’t worry about money till then ok?” he insisted.

David sighed, but he knew it would be easier for now if he let his dad pay.

“Fine, but we want to be independent as soon as possible,” he said.

“I understand, and you will be,” he said, staring at him for a moment.

David frowned.

“What?” he asked.

“You’re nothing like your mother or I,” he said finally.

“How do you mean?”

“Laura either. Your mother was very quickly dependent on me, and I was dependent on my parents for a long time. I had everything handed to me from a young age, your mother didn’t but she became accustomed to the lifestyle very quickly,” he explained.

David nodded.

“You and Laura are different. You’re better, you’re both going to be so much better than we ever were,” he said sadly.

David just stared. He was just a sad old man who had no idea what he was doing in life. He’d made mistakes, sure, terrible parenting choices but he'd admitted them and was sorry. 

David couldn’t help but forgive him, he was kind, he wanted to do right by his children, he was just so misguided. Despite everything David didn’t want to let him go, didn’t want him out of his life. He didn’t know what kind of relationship they could have. Was unlikely to be a typical father son relationship. But what was that anyway?

“Did Matteo leave?” his father asked.

“He’s in the bathroom. He’s hiding,” David explained.

“I don’t think he likes me,” his father said.

“No it’s… he was giving us space and he doesn’t... he’s really slow to warm up to people and I haven’t painted a good picture of you,” David said.

“That makes sense,” he said. "He's your age, yes? Or younger?" 

"We’re the same age," David said, frowning.

That was a weird question. But then his dad did seem to struggle with how to treat David for his age.

"He speaks like he's decades old, has an understanding of people better than most my age,” his dad said. 

David smiled. Never thought he was one to need his father's approval of his boyfriend and he didn't. But he already saw in Matteo what David always saw and David loved him for that. 

"He's had a difficult few years, had to grow up even quicker than me," David said. 

His dad frowned and glanced at the doorway concerned.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said, “Is he ok now?”

That was Matteo’s business to share though and he didn’t think they would be having long conversations anytime soon. He didn’t need to know the details.

“He’s fine, I can go get him back, but he’ll probably come back in a bit. He’s also not good with new people,” he said.

His dad nodded, that made sense to him too. They were kind of similar in that respect. Quiet people who took their time to warm up to people.

“No don’t force him. These things take time,” his dad said.

And that was something he was starting to realise he had. He had time, so much time. He had his whole future ahead of him. There was time to work things through with his dad. His mum. There was time for Matteo to do the same. There was time for them to heal and move forward in their lives. There was so much good stuff to come. 

Matteo getting to grips with his mental health and his autism. David learning better techniques to deal with his anger. His recovery. They had the summer, and whatever trip they decided to take. School. Graduation. Jobs. Bigger apartments, maybe eventually a house. Marriage. Kids. Being better parents than they’d ever had.

They had so much time, the future was theirs. His life was just beginning and he couldn't wait.

* * *

####  **Tay**

_David (Sunday, 16.15): Guess what I’m doing tomorrow?_

_Tay (16.28): Nude yoga?_

_David (16.29): What_

_David (16.29): No_

_David (16.30): Therapy_

_David (16.31): Wtf_

_David (16.32): Is that even a thing?_

_Tay (16.35): Ok it’s called natural yoga_

_Tay (16.36): And you can wear as much or as little clothing as you feel comfortable in_

_Tay (16.38): It’s at the wellness centre on campus_

_David (16.41): Do you go?_

_Tay (16.43): No_

_Tay (16.44): Nik goes_

_David (16.46): Wow bold_

_Tay (16.47): Yeah he wears pants though but it helps him, makes him confident_

_David (16.49): So you don’t go just to look at Niklas?_

_Tay (16.53): No David I’m not a perv_

_Tay (16.55): Also I’m too awkward_

_David (17.01): Aw_

_David (17.03): I could maybe go with you one day you could keep your sunglasses on Niklas wouldn’t even know you were staring_

_Tay (17.04): You’re incorrigible_

_David (17.06): Big word_

_Tay (17.08): I’m a walking thesaurus_

_Tay (17.08): So therapy?_

_Tay (17.09): Big deal?_

_David (17.11): Yep_

_Tay (17.13): Wanna meet after?_

_David (17.17): Yes please_

_Tay (17.18): You gonna be ok?_

_David (17.21): I don’t know I might be upset_

_David (17.22): I might want to talk about it I might just want to hang out and not_

_Tay (17.25): That’s ok we can talk about all the faction wars stuff_

_David (17.26): Nevermind I’ll call Leonie_

_Tay (17.27): No don’t do that_

_Tay (17.28): It’s important I’m applying to be on the committee for the society_

_David (17.31): You should be but aren’t you finished? I thought this was your third year_

_Tay (17.33): I’m not going to finish this year_

_Tay (17.34): I can’t I missed a lot of time last semester and I just can’t push myself to finish_

_Tay (17.36): My dad told me to take my time_

_Tay (17.37): Better to finish next year with good grades and good health than this year with crap grades and make myself ill_

_David (17.40): Smart guy_

_David (17.41): Can you handle it?_

_Tay (17.45): I thought no, that’s why I’m not on it this year even though everyone said I should_

_Tay (17.46): But I want to it’s important to me and I enjoy it, I like doing this stuff organising socials and stuff_

_Tay (17.48): And everyone will help and they’ll let me take a break if I need it_

_David (17.51): Then you should go for it_

_Tay (18.01): I don’t know what I want to do next_

_Tay (18.03): I’ve never known_

_Tay (18.06): I like to draw so I chose art but that’s it_

_David (18.10): And you’re good at it_

_Tay (18.11): Thank you David_

_David (18.13): You don’t need to know yet, But you’re also good at this stuff_

_Tay (18.15): Gay shit?_

_David (18.15): Motivational shit_

_Tay (18.20): So art therapy?_

_David (18.22): I like that_

_Tay (18.24): Letting your anger out through art_

_David (18.25): I did that a lot_

_Tay (18.30): Spray painting hoodlum?_

_David (18.31): That was me_

_David (18.32): Never got caught_

_Tay (18.33): Good for you_

_Tay (18.35): Ok I gotta go meet Tia, Javas at eleven?_

_David (18.36): Yeah see you there_

_Tay (18.37): I’ll buy you a cupcake_

_David (18.39): And a sugary drink_

_Tay (18.40): Really_

_Tay (18.41):_ 😱

_David (18.42): Matteo’s still got me on healthy food_

_David (18.43): Get me something chocolatey_

_David (18.44): And don’t tell him_

_Tay (18.45):_ 🤫

* * *

####  **dad**

_Dad (Sunday, 20.21): David it was nice to see you earlier_

_Dad (20.22): It was nice to see your apartment_

_Dad (20.22): It was nice to see you so settled_

_David (20.27): It was good to see you too_

_David (20.29): I am settled, I’m really happy here_

_David (20.30): It’s everything I wanted_

_David (20.31): Settled is right, and it feels amazing_

_Dad (20.35): Matteo seemed nice, quiet, very sweet, balances you out well_

_David (20.37): Was that a dig?_

_Dad (20.39): Not at all, just you seem calmer, less restless, less angry around him_

_David (20.42): I am_

_David (20.43): I’m doing really good_

_David (20.44): I’ve never been so happy_

_Dad (20.45): I’m so pleased_

_David (20.46): I’m going to therapy tomorrow_

_David (20.47): It’s part of my recovery from surgery but I’m allowed to talk about anything_

_Dad (20.48): What do you want to talk about?_

_David (20.55): You and mum and growing up and everything_

_David (20.56): I need to talk about it_

_David (20.57): I need to deal with it_

_David (20.58): I don’t think I can form a proper relationship with you until I deal with the past_

_David (20.59): I forgive you but it’s going to take time_

_Dad (21.11): Take all the time you need, your health is my priority_

_Dad (21.13): We have time, we will heal, I am going to be a good father to you_

_Dad (21.14): You are my son and I love you, you have a bright future ahead of you and I want to be a part of it in whatever way you’ll let me_

_Dad (21.15): I love you David, I just want you to know_

_David (21.58): I do know_

_David (21.59): Thank you dad_

_David (22.05): I love you too_

* * *

####  **amira and the dumbasses**

_Amira invited you to the group “amira and the dumbasses”_

_Amira added Matteo_

_Amira (Sunday, 20.15): How did the move go?_

_Matteo (20.17): No idea_

_Amira (20.18): What? Kiki said it went well_

_Matteo (20.20): I hid through most of it Kiki and Hanna and everyone sorted it though_

_Matteo (20.21): I just couldn’t deal_

_Matteo (20.22): But_

_Amira (20.23): But?_

_Matteo (20.25): I told David_

_Amira (20.27): That you couldn’t deal?_

_Matteo (20.29): That I’m autistic_

_Matteo (20.29): Oh Amira I think I’m autistic, I told David and now I’m telling you but no one else_

_Matteo (20.30): You already knew right?_

_Amira (20.32): Not until you told me but I had an idea thank you for telling me_

_Matteo (20.33): It’s cool I wanted you to know_

_Matteo (20.35): David’s been really good_

_Amira (20.38): I bet he’s been insufferable_

_David (20.40): Hey!_

_David (20.41): I’m here too_

_Amira (20.42): I know it’s my group you were supposed to see that_

_David (20.43): Insufferable how?_

_Matteo (20.45): He’s been absolutely perfect he’s so patient and kind and understanding and everything I’ve ever hoped for_

_Amira (20.47): Yeah like that_

_Matteo (20.50): I was so scared_

_Matteo (20.52): As soon as I realised it was this permanent thing I was terrified but we talked about it in the bath for hours_

_Amira (20.53): What?_

_Matteo (20.54): Don’t worry we were in our clothes_

_Amira (20.55): I am so lost_

_Matteo (20.57): Yeah and we just talked and talked and like I realised yes it’s permanent but it always was_

_David (20.59): I love that you’re not explaining about the bath_

_Amira (21.02): I love that you're probably both sitting next to each other completely amused at my confusion_

_Matteo (21.03): I wasn’t finished_

_Matteo (21.04): It was always permanent and David loved me before we even understood what it was because he didn’t figure it out until summer_

_Matteo (21.05): So just because we have a name for it just because we know I’m autistic nothing has to change because I was before and I will be tomorrow but David loves me anyway_

_David (21.06): I love you, not anyway, I just love you_

_Matteo (21.07): Yeah_

_Amira (21.08): Insufferable_

_Matteo (21.09): Amira I need you to be mean to me again_

_Matteo (21.10): Sorry_

_Matteo (21.11): Don’t be so nice or like you’ve been a bit less pushy lately I need you to go back to how it was_

_Amira (21.12): I don’t think it’s to do with you_

_Amira (21.13): I miss you Matteo and I’ve been feeling a bit homesick_

_Amira (21.15): I miss you and it’s hard to keep that up when I’m so far away because you’re going through a lot and I feel like the snarky comments fall flat when you’re suffering_

_Amira (21.17): I just can’t wait to hang out with you again_

_Amira (21.18): But don’t worry as soon as I’m back I’ll turn it back on_

_Amira (21.19): Just into time to bully you through school again_

_Matteo (21.21): Just like old times_

_David (21.22): Sounds terrifying_

_Matteo (21.24): I can wait_

_Amira (21.25): But you want mean?_

_Amira (21.26): Explain to me right now why you were in the bath in your clothes dumbass?_

_Matteo (21.27): Oh_

_Matteo (21.29): I had a panic attack or almost?_

_Matteo (21.30): I dropped some plates and I’d been stressing so David put me in the bath_

_David (21.33): Sometimes it’s good to hide away the bathroom was unpacked it felt safe_

_Amira (21.35):_ _🙄_

_David (21.37): What was that for?_

_Amira (21.39): Mr Perfect Boyfriend at it again_

_Matteo (21.40): He is so perfect but he’s so perfect for me_

_Matteo (21.41): Is it the same for you with Mohammed?_

_Amira (21.43): How do you mean?_

_Matteo (21.45): Do you feel understood?_

_Amira (21.46): Yes_

_Amira (21.47): Absolutely yes_

_Amira (21.48): I think I realised first when I was praying at Jonas’ party and he waited outside so I wasn't disturbed, he like guarded the door and I was just like wow, he just got it and he keeps getting it_

_Matteo (21.49): Were you struck dumb?_

_Amira (21.52): Almost_

_Matteo (21.54): Wow you must miss him so much_

_Amira (21.55): Yes_

_Matteo (21.57): Are you still calling every day?_

_David (22.00): Woah really?_

_Amira (22.03): Yeah_

_David (22.04): Wow_

_Amira (22.05): Shut up David_

_David (22.07): No I’m not surprised that you call every day I’m just surprised that you told Matteo_

_Amira (22.08): Of course I told him he gets it_

_Matteo (22.09): Yeah I’d die if you went away_

_Amira (22.11): This is so weird that you two are talking like this when you’re together_

_David (22.14): We do it a lot_

_Matteo (22.16): Sometimes it's easier for me_

_Amira (22.18): You gotta teach me some of this stuff then yeah? Anything that makes it easier_

_Matteo (22.20): I don't know it David does_

_David (22.21): You do know it it’s just a little instinctive to you but we’ll figure it out_

_Amira (22.22): I’m so proud of you Matteo_

_David (22.22): So am I_

_Amira (22.23): I’m proud of both of you you’ve been on hell of a journey recently but you’ve come so far_

_Amira (22.25): I think everything that happened happened exactly as it needed to and you’re exactly where you should be right now_

_David (22.26): Wow Amira_

_Matteo (22.27): I miss you so much_

_Amira (22.28): Won’t be much longer now_

_Amira (22.30): Oh I have to go in a minute but I’m sending your application back_

_Amira (22.31): I read it and it was ok_

_Matteo (22.33): Not good then_

_Amira (22.35): I’ve added some stuff_

_Amira (22.36): Ok I’ve sent it_

_Matteo (22.38): What did you add?_

_Amira (22.39): Read it_

_Amira (22.48): You’re not very good at selling yourself, putting yourself out there, you've missed off a lot of good stuff about yourself that I really think needs to be on there. You’re so capable and bright and such a good candidate. I’ve added nothing that isn’t true_

_Amira (22.51): You really sell yourself short sometimes Matteo so I want you to read it and realise that it’s how we all see you ok?_

_Amira (23.03): Matteo?_

_David (23.04): You made him cry_

_Matteo (23.10): Thank you for saying all that_

_David (23.11): We all need to say it more_

_Amira (23.12): We all know how wonderful he is but we forget to tell him_

_Amira (23.14): We all need to say it to each other more stop taking it for granted that we’re aware of how we’re seen because often we’re not_

_David (23.15): God you’re smart_

_Matteo (23.17) Thanks Amira_

_Matteo (23.18): Thank you_

_Matteo (23.19): Can I send it like it is now?_

_Amira (23.20): Yes_

_Amira (23.21): And Matteo_

_Matteo (23.23): Yeah?_

_Amira (23.25): It’s hard writing about yourself, but you’re especially low in confidence at the moment, but everything I added was stuff you may not see about yourself but we do, everything I wrote is the truth, and social work is the perfect fit, and you are going to do so well with this and I can’t wait till we’re studying together again_

_David (23.28): He’s still crying_

_Amira (23.30): Such a baby_

_David (23.33): He’s going to be ok, it’s a lot to accept right now_

_Amira (23.37): If you’d helped with this you would have written War and fucking Peace_

_David (23.39): I would have_

_Amira (23.41): Good you can admit to it_

_David (23.43): I’m not ashamed of it_

_David (23.45): I could write novels about him_

_Amira (23.46): All your movies are going to be about him aren’t they_

_David (23.48): No_

_David (23.51): Maybe some, he’s pretty inspiring_

_Amira (23.52): Good grief_

_Amira (23.53): But it’s sweet_

_Amira (23.54): Right I really have to go, Aliayah is waiting on me, we’re going to an animal sanctuary, we have to hike_

_Amira (23.56): It’s late_

_Amira (23.57): You should sleep, Matteo already asleep?_

_David (23.59): Yeah he fell asleep about twenty minutes ago and I’m pretty close_

_Amira (Monday, 00.03): Good night David_

_David (00.04): Night Amira have fun_

* * *

David hadn't said much yet, he felt pretty awkward. Nadine his therapist had introduced herself and they'd gone through a bit of small talk. Probably to make him feel more comfortable but it did the opposite. 

Not quite opposite. He wasn't uncomfortable but it felt weird and now he wasn't sure if he could talk. If this wasn't all a waste of time. They’d been there fifteen minutes already, and he hadn’t even started to talk about what he wanted to.

“So David why are you here?” Nadine asked as if sensing he was ready to get to the point.

In fairness he’d been pretty hesitant when he’d first walked in. He wouldn’t have been able to talk straight away.

“It's probably stupid,” he mumbled.

He started pull at his sleeves for something to do. It was Matteo’s hoodie he realised. He was wearing them more than his own clothes at the moment because they were so loose and baggy. Easier to get on than his own stuff. The cuffs of the sleeves were frayed and worn, there were holes in parts. David ran his thumbs over the cuffs and smiled. He could do this.

“Try me,” Nadine said, she had a notebook open but hadn’t written anything down yet.

“Ok so my boyfriend has depression and anxiety and is autistic and I've watched him suffer and struggle but the whole time I was trying to convince him to get help and now he is and I can already see the weight that’s been lifted,” David said.

The difference was already so obvious and it had only been a month. Nadine nodded.

“Ok and you want the same?” she asked.

“No it's… I only brought it up because I'm always telling him and everyone I know who struggles that they need to talk to someone and yet when it comes to me I can't seem to apply that,” David admitted.

He always advocated so strongly for people to get help but never seemed to be able to take his own advice.

“You feel your problems aren't big enough?” Nadine asked, starting to make notes.

But it didn’t feel that weird, she was still paying attention to him while she wrote. He was used to that.

“Exactly but that’s stupid right because my problems are huge. I know it's not a competition but I'm Trans and that's not easy, I've just had major surgery, and my parents are just shit and everything feels a bit hard at the moment,” David said.

His problems were real, and it was no wonder he felt so low.

“Ok good and how are you feeling right now?” she asked.

“Ok but like some mornings I wake up and cry, because I feel like a mess,” David admitted. 

That had been Friday morning one minute he’d been ready to start the day and finish packing, the next he was sitting on the bed crying. For no apparent reason.

“Did you stop testosterone for the surgery?” Nadine asked.

Oh. That was a good point.

“I had to skip a month because like my blood pressure was good but my blood was a bit thicker? It’s to do with my genetics?”

“You’re of African descent?”

“Yeah, my dad,” David told her.

“That’ll do it,” Nadine said, “essentially you have an elevated risk of high blood pressure and heart problems. Which as you’re fit and healthy so you probably won’t need to worry about it again. But those few days after surgery when you’re barely moving, your risk of a blood clot is so high no matter how healthy you are it's just best to mitigate that with whatever steps you can,” she said.

“Yeah that’s what Straken said,” he said, “I started again last week.” 

“Ok so even a month off will have messed you up a bit,” she said.

And he agreed but he didn’t think that was what was going on here.

“Yeah but it's more than that,” he said.

“Oh, absolutely. Essentially there's all this shit going on and you stopping testosterone just means you'll probably find yourself crying about it more,” she said.

David snorted. 

“That's exactly it,” he agreed.

“That will settle down, I’m not worried about that but let's focus on the issues. You listed three. You're trans, the surgery, and your parents. What do you want to work on?” she asked, still scribbling away.

David sat back, leaning against the couch. This was a nice office, comfortable. Bright and airy, light green walls. He felt calm in here. It was a good place to sit and chat. There was probably some fancy psychology in the decor that made him want to open up more. He’d say it was nonsense but it was working. He picked up the cushion next to him and placed it in his lap, running his fingers over the embroidered pattern.

“Being trans is just a thing, there’s nothing to work on there or… no I used to be uncomfortable even saying it you know? But I’m in a better place, lately I’ve told quite a few people and they’ve all reacted well, so I think I’m in a good place with that. Maybe we could come back to it if that stops. But it is hard being trans, really hard so when other stuff is hard too it's just a lot,” he explained.

“Very smart you are trans that's just it. But when you feel even a little bit lower than usual it highlights it as an insecurity. We can work on that too and change that insecurity into your power and strength,” she said.

Wow she was good. He could make it his strength. Because he was strong wasn’t he?

“But let's work on the immediate first. So you went through some post-surgery depression?” she asked.

“Yeah it was… in the hospital I was so happy and then the minute I got home it was like everything crashed,” he said.

He’d never felt quite so low as that. Even school, even leaving home hadn’t hit him like that. It had scared him. It hadn’t gotten as bad as those first few days again. But he was scared it would come back again.

“Ok,” she said, thinking.

“Nadine I'd wanted top surgery for years and then I sat there on the bed and I regretted it I thought I'd made a mistake,” he admitted.

That still really bothered him.

“Do you still regret it?” she asked.

“No but…”

“We are only human. We are almost never one hundred percent sure on anything and big permanent decisions always throw our brains in a loop. Your regret? It was real but it was just your brain adjusting to this new normal. You were in pain, probably felt and looked a mess. It wasn't what you wanted. You had surgery to remove a part of you that didn’t belong, not all the other temporary stuff that comes with that,” she said.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

That was exactly it. She was very good at this.

“So I know it's thrown you but let me ask you something, do you want a reversal? If you could?”

David shook his head furious. Never. 

“No, god no,” he insisted.

“Then trust yourself because this regret, this feeling you've made a mistake will come back sometimes when you're feeling low. But what you can say to yourself is ‘how about we ring up doctor Straken and ask her to reverse it?’ and the answer will always be no so don't worry about the doubts when they're fleeting. And when they're not that's when you come to me,” she said.

It was ok to doubt things. It was ok not to be sure about everything, even things that he thought were fundamental to him. He’d made the right choice he knew that.

“Ok,” he said.

“So regrets right now?” she asked.

“None. I'm so happy literally whenever I'm at home I'm just parading around topless because I was never able to. I love it all of it, the scars the bruises too. I look in the mirror and I see me, it’s me looking back, for the first time in my life. It’s like my skin fits my body,” David said.

“Are you an artist David?” Nadine asked.

“What? Er yeah art and film, I’m studying film,” he said, wondering why she was asking.

“Good. You have a nice way with words, you'll make beautiful things,” she said. 

David flushed and ran his hands over the cushion again.

“One day I wanna make a movie about a kid like me,” he admitted quietly.

“It will be amazing I’m sure. So who is a kid like you? I get the feeling your main reason to be here are the issues with the parents. We've got as many sessions as you need so we can come back to your recovery as many times as you want but I get the feeling that the thing you want to cover is them,” she guessed.

And she was right.

“Yes, is that ok?” he asked.

“Absolutely, tell me about them,” she said, focussing on him now. 

“Ok. Ok I told them I was trans when I was like twelve. My dad ignored it, my mum was completely against it. Like really really bad. She called me all kinds of shit, freak, abomination, stuff like that. My birthname? She never called me David. She would take my clothes, my binders, trying to get me to change back, she said. It was really bad,” he said.

Nadine nodded 

“And then one day dad's like I think it's time you went to stay with Laura, my sister. So I was the problem you know? And so I did. I was sixteen and I just left. And Laura was great, she's only two and a half years older than me and she’s always been there for me. And when everything started going wrong at my school and she could just see it was too much she pulled me out and put me somewhere else. Registered as my guardian, she's the only parent I've ever known,” David said. 

“She sounds brilliant,” Nadine said.

Brilliant didn’t even cover it. There weren’t’ even enough words to describe what she meant to him.

“She is the best, I love her so much but she shouldn't have had to do all that,” David said.

“You're right,” Nadine agreed.

“But the thing is… the problem I have is I was perfectly fine moving on with my life and then they both come back into it all sorry for their terrible parenting and Nadine I want to forgive them both of them,” he said.

He knew it was wrong, that he would be a fool to do so.

“That is not unusual,” Nadine said, surprising him.

David felt relief run through him.

“I want parents,” he whispered.

“I know and you deserve them,” she said.

And everyone had been saying it, but he needed an objective opinion now. He couldn’t trust himself on this right now, his judgement was clouded by his need.

“So should I forgive them?” he asked, just hoping for a yes, but knowing he wouldn’t get that.

“I can't decide that for you but I think once you want to forgive someone you are already halfway there and forgiving them doesn't wipe the slate clean. It's not an instant thing, your relationship is not repaired just like that because you forgive them,” she said.

“But can I have them back?” David asked.

“Do they want to be in your life?”

“Yeah only because they've almost lost me,” he said bitterly.

“So often that’s the way. But if you want them you can have them. It's not the wrong choice whatever choice makes you happy is the right choice and if it stops making you happy you can make another choice,” she said.

David closed his eyes. He was in control of this. This wasn’t like when he was a kid and he was just trying to survive. He’d survived now. He was living his life. He could let them in as much or as little as he wanted. He was in charge now. He was the master of his life.

“I think we've made good progress here,” Nadine said gently.

“Are we done?” David asked, glancing at the clock.

He’d been talking for almost half an hour and he hadn’t even realised.

“Afraid so,” she said, she scribbled something down then closed her book.

“Wow,” he said.

Now that he’d stopped talking he knew he couldn’t say anything else. He needed to stop for a while. They couldn’t go over everything at once. He felt absolutely drained.

“I know today was only forty minutes and introductions. Your first session is shorter because a lot of people's are intimidated by an hour. That's what you'll get next week, but don’t worry I’ll break it up. This week I use the extra twenty minutes to fill in all your notes and our treatment plan,” she explained, “next week we won't have introductions so we have more time and we know what we’re talking about. The next few sessions I want to focus on your parents. We'll start with everything they failed you on and move through into what you need from them going forward. But there's no rush ok?” she said.

“Ok I like that. But… am I ok?” he asked, still worrying about his mood.

“I can't diagnose you with anything but I don't think you necessarily need to see a doctor yet. I think everything you're going through is situational and you’re going to be fine as you deal with the causes,” she said.

He trusted her. It was a relief to hear that

“Thank you,” he said, standing up.

“I'll see you next week, David, I’m looking forward to being part of your journey for the next few months,” she said.

He smiled as he left. He liked that, his journey. His path to his future. It sounded good.

* * *

Tay was waiting for him at Java with an entire chocolate cake that they must have gotten somewhere else. Or bought before anyone else got there, they sold cake by the slice not the entire thing.

When he sat down Tay handed him a fork.

“I said indulge not give myself diabetes,” David said.

Tay just laughed.

“You can take whatever we don’t eat home,” they said.

“I can’t Matteo will kill me,” David argued.

“No he won’t, he’ll let you do what you want,” Tay said.

“Yeah but he’ll pull that sad face, like _David I’m doing this for your own good,_ and I’ll feel bad,” David said.

“You’re so whipped,” Tay said, “I’ll take it then,” they said.

“Yep,” David agreed, he couldn’t even argue with that.

He cut himself some cake instead. It was delicious. He wasn’t exactly starving but Matteo was taking this healthy eating and recovery thing seriously. And David didn’t want to tell him to stop, it would just worry him.

“So how did it go?” Tay asked, carefully trying to judge his mood.

But he was fine, it had actually been a relief to talk about it. He felt validated in his fears and worries. 

“Really good, like obviously it was just one session but I already feel better,” David told them.

“Get all the answers you needed?” they asked.

“No not at all but she did say I wasn't wrong for wanting them back,” David said.

Which was the answer to his most urgent question.

“Relieved?” Tay asked. 

“I just couldn't believe it you know? I know you all told me the same but I needed to hear it from her,” David said, “I think I have to go see my mum. I want her to leave me alone at least for a bit. My dad gets it. I need her to give me a break,” he said.

He needed more time. 

“Smart,” Tay said, “wanna talk about something else?”

“God yes please,” he said.

It may have only been forty minutes but he didn’t have the energy to dissect the session yet.

“Would you like to see a spreadsheet?” Tay offered.

David leant back in his chair, closing his eyes for a second. He felt kind of tired. He ran a hand over his face then turned back to Tay.

“I absolutely would not,” he said.

“Ok. Hm.”

“Not like you to have nothing to say,” David said.

“I kissed Nik,” Tay said quietly.

That got his attention, had him sitting up and pushing the cake aside.

“Oh! Oh wow! When?” he demanded.

He’d never known what the deal was with those two, and even now felt unsure what was ok to ask and what wasn’t. He was getting better at it though.

“Friday, after beers at yours,” Tay said.

“Wow were you drunk?” David asked.

“Not at all,” Tay said.

“Niklas?”

“He’s sober,” Tay told him.

“Ok,” David said, Tay seemed hesitant and he didn’t want to push them but he wanted to help.

“We used to date,” Tay admitted.

“Ok Tay seriously as your best friend this seems like pretty important info, I think you should have told me,” David said.

“It was in high school, and you never asked and I’m not so good with sharing relationship stuff. It’s me and Nik, it’s just for us,” Tay explained.

David nodded and moved his chair closer.

“Why did you stop dating?” he asked gently.

“Complicated. But essentially we were both just going through shit and it was making it so hard and I just needed a best friend but I couldn't handle a relationship, and neither could he, it was hard but it was a relief at the time,” Tay explained. 

“Makes sense,” David said, reaching out and squeezing their arm. This was obviously a real struggle for them. “So you stayed friends?”

“Yeah,” Tay said.

“And now you want more?” David asked.

He’d never known it be so hard to get information out of Tay but he got it.

“Now I'm doing better yeah it's like I always thought we would get back together but neither of us made the move or even talked about it,” Tay said.

“What do you always say about communication?” David teased gently. 

“I know I'm dumb ok,” Tay muttered.

“Not dumb it's really hard to apply what we preach to ourselves. I was literally talking about this with Nadine,” David told them.

That seemed to help. Tay smiled again.

“Ok,” they said.

“You’re doing fine Tay, there is no manual for this you just gotta figure it out,” David said.

Tay sniffled. 

“Shit,” David muttered, reaching for some napkins.

Tay took them gratefully.

“Sorry. I just love him so much and everything got so hard last time and it's making me scared but I want to be with him again. He's it for me and I just couldn’t hold back anymore,” they said.

“It’s the same for him right?” David asked.

He wasn’t blind, anyone could see it.

“Yeah,” Tay said.

“Then just let it happen, stop trying to deny it,” David insisted.

They were in a good place, they both knew how the other felt, they just needed to take that step.

“What if I get depressed again?” Tay asked, “it was bad,” they said.

“Then you let him help and if you really can’t handle it? You ask for a break, you ask for space if that’s what you need. Come on he’ll get it,” David insisted.

“Yeah,” Tay said.

“So you kissed him then what?” David asked.

“Ran away and haven't spoken to him since,” Tay admitted, hanging their head.

“Really Tay?” David said.

Never thought they’d be one to avoid their problems, they’d helped David so much with his. But that wasn’t how it worked, he knew that.

“I know it’s a fucking disaster right?” Tay asked.

No it wasn’t. This was so far from unfixable.

“What has he said?” David asked.

“Take my time and come back nothing is fucked up,” Tay said.

Niklas was so good. Obviously knew exactly what Tay would be thinking.

“That’s good,” David said.

“No it’s too vague. I don’t know what he wants,” Tay said.

David remembered this feeling. But it was different for Tay, they’d known Niklas a long time.

“Yes you do Tay. You know Niklas better than anyone,” David insisted.

“He wants more. I know he wants more and has done for a long time. It's me who’s afraid,” Tay said.

“What are you afraid of?”

“Everything’s so good right now I kind of don’t want it to change,” Tay said.

“Ok and you’re obviously very close,” David said.

“To be honest we practically live together already, this week is the longest I’ve spent at my own apartment,” they said.

“Ok so you share space? Spend all your time together?” David asked

Tay sighed.

“Yeah,” they said.

“You’re almost always touching,” David said.

“Yeah.”

“You talk all the time,” David said.

“Literally like a thousand messages a day,” Tay admitted.

“Then what’s going to change?” David asked.

“Not much really I’m just scared,” Tay said.

“And who makes you feel better when you’re scared?” David asked so gently.

“Nik,” Tay whispered.

He was getting good at this advice thing. The whole being a good friend. But it was nice, Tay had helped him so much, it was nice to help them with this. He just wanted them to be happy.

“Then there's your answer,” he said. 

“God I want this,” Tay said, “I think I need a bit more time but he’ll get that won’t he?”

“Yeah talk to him though just let him know where you’re at,” David suggested.

Tay nodded.

“Yeah,” they said.

“Ok?” David asked, “more cake?”

“God yes, this is a cake day,” Tay said, “thank you for that, it helped. I think I’ve been stuck in my head over this for a while,” they said.

Seriously, anytime, you don’t always have to help everyone, you can let us help you too,”

“You’re an amazing friend David honestly,” Tay said.

That felt so good to hear. Because that was what he’d always wanted, to be a friend, to be able to help. But for a long time no one had seen him that way.

“You’re itching to go talk to Niklas right now aren’t you?” David asked.

“Yeah a bit,” Tay admitted.

David thumped them on the arm, gently of course.

“Let’s just hang out a little while, you need to calm down a bit. I’m going to go see my mum soon anyway,” David said.

Tay looked shocked, to be honest David was surprising himself.

“You are?” they asked.

“Literally just decided,” David admitted.

“Wow, good for you,” Tay said, pulling him into a careful hug.

But he needed to talk to her. If he told her to stop texting him she would stop a few days then it would start again. He needed to talk to her in person.

* * *

####  **Mum**

_David (Monday, 13.04): This needs to stop. I can’t keep doing this_

_David (13.05): I’m coming over_

_David (13.07): are you in? I need to speak to you_

_Mum (13.09): I’m in, please come over_

_David (13.13): I’ll be there about an hour_

_Mum (13.15): see you soon David_

* * *

David stood in front of his childhood home. He hadn't been back there in nearly three years. Yet here he was. He knocked on the door and took a deep breath. He no longer had a key. He’d tossed it away in anger the day he moved out and had never returned to look for it.

He never thought he’d come back here, didn’t even really know why he had. He didn’t know what he wanted to say to her. He didn't want to reconcile. He didn’t want to forgive her. Not yet. But yet here he was standing outside of the door. 

The door opened and his mother stood in front of him nervously. She looked a mess. No that wasn't true, she looked like a normal mum. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, hair hanging loose and soft around her face, instead of tightly wound atop her head. She looked so much less severe this way. 

"David," she whispered.

"I don’t know why I’m here," he admitted. 

"That's ok, come in anyway," she said, stepping aside to let him pass. 

She closed the door and he followed her into the living room. She offered him a drink but he refused. She sat down but he began to pace the room. He suddenly didn’t want to be here at all.

"David?"

"Why the fuck are you suddenly using my name? Why the fuck are you suddenly ok with this? Like you don’t speak to me for two fucking years and now you want to be a supportive mother?" 

"I’m not," she said calmly. 

He stopped pacing and turned to look at her.

"What?" he asked. 

"I’m not suddenly ok with… all this," she said, gesturing at him weakly.

He scowled.

"But I want to be, I'm trying to get my head around it," she admitted. 

"Why?" David demanded. 

"Because I realised the alternative. I realised if I didn't figure this out I would never see you again," she said. 

David began to pace again. None of this was fair.

"You were the one who disowned me!" he yelled. 

"I know, but I always thought you’d just get over it, just come back and we would be fine," she said. 

David screamed into his hands and threw himself down into the armchair, wincing at the movement.

"Are you ok?" she asked, leaning forward. 

"Fine," he said through gritted teeth, not willing to show an ounce of weakness. 

"I just… I know we’ve never been close I… l… Laura was always closer to your father and you… you were this wild child I could never tame," she said. 

"Never mould into the perfect little daughter you mean?" he spat. 

"David can you blame me? I didn’t understand what was going on with you," she said. 

Like that was the point at all. Like she even tried. Too caught up in the embarrassment of the situation to consider his feelings. 

"But then when I did explain it you dismissed me, refused to accept it, you said awful awful things," he said, furious that his eyes were beginning to water. 

"I thought… I thought I could make you change your mind," she said. 

"You were cruel, so cruel," David whispered, letting the tears fall and wiping them away roughly with his sleeve. 

"I know," she said. 

David looked at her now. 

"I know I was cruel David, I look back at how I behaved and I am ashamed," she said. 

"Well I guess it’s easy to treat your child like shit when you don't love them," he muttered. 

"I… love you David you and Laura both. The days you two were born, those two days are the happiest days of my life. I had you for the wrong reasons I know that, and I’m asking your forgiveness for the wrong reasons too. But I love you two, I know I've been awful at showing it but I really do. And if you'd let me, I'd like to show you," she said. 

"I don’t know," David said. 

He just couldn't trust her, trust that he could have this.

"And I get that. I’m not expecting family dinner nights anytime soon. But if you'd just give me a chance to be in your life, you don’t even need to see me, we could just text, whatever you can stand... just I don’t want you to cut me out. I know it's a huge ask after everything, but…"

"I don’t know," David repeated. 

"I know it's not fair, that boy was right about that. That it's not fair to ask, knowing it's all you want. But I promise if you let me, I'll never take that for granted again," she insisted. 

"You need to learn," he said. 

"Yes," she said nodding furiously. 

"And you need to accept this is who I am. And you need to be ok with it, before I can even think about it," he said. 

"I'm trying," she said. 

"Try fucking harder, you've already had two fucking years, more than that fuck. I came out to you when I was twelve! It's been seven years and you still don't even get it," he said, standing up. 

She stood up too, looking terrified. So afraid she was going to lose him, like she hadn’t cast him aside all those years ago.

"It’s not that simple," she insisted. 

"Yes it is. It is that simple mum, I am a boy, I am your son. I am David. That's all there is to it. Until you can accept that I can't do this. And I can’t wait forever," he said. 

He got up and walked out of the door. He only managed to walk two blocks before he slumped against a building, sliding to the ground. The tears began to fall in earnest. 

* * *

####  **Matteo**

_David (Monday, 14.52): I know you're working but do you think you could come pick me up?_

_Matteo (14.54): Is everything ok? Where are you?_

_David (14.58): By my mum's house._

_Matteo (14.02): Ok give me twenty minutes_

_David (14.05): forty minutes Matteo don't kill yourself trying to get here I’m ok I just need you I’m gonna wander around for a bit I don’t want to get the train by myself_

_Matteo (14.06): Shit it’s gonna take 50 minutes_

_David (14.09): I’ll wait for you by the station_

* * *

David made it to the train station and collapsed onto a bench with a heavy sigh. He was trying not to cry but it was hard. He felt all out of sorts, he was confused and sad. All he wanted was for his mother to love him. And now that she was offering him that he felt so conflicted. He hunched over and buried his head in his hands, hiding his face from the world.

“David!”

David looked up at the sound of heavy footsteps, Matteo was running around the station looking for him, but he couldn’t move not yet. Couldn’t speak. He was just sad. He wondered if this was how Matteo felt sometimes. He imagined it was probably similar. 

Matteo finally spotted him and ran over to the bench, settling down heavily beside him. He wrapped an arm around his waist but didn’t say anything, just waited. All around them people moved, going about their lives, ignoring the two boys clinging to each other in a crowded train station.

“She doesn’t hate me,” David whispered.

Matteo nodded.

“She doesn’t hate me and she never did, I still don’t truly understand why she was so awful but she really is sorry Matteo. She said she wanted to try, try and understand me and be there for me,” David said.

Matteo just waited.

“Like how dare she? Right? How fucking dare she ask this of me? It’s not fair,” David said, furiously rubbing away his tears, hating how upset he was about this. “It’s not fair,” he repeated.

“No it’s not,” Matteo said quietly.

“God I feel like all I’ve done is cry lately, it’s all your fault,” he muttered, leaning into him. 

Matteo’s arm was tight around his waist and David wished he could hold him back just as tightly. He held his hands tightly instead, just like Matteo had taught him.

“How is it my fault?” Matteo asked.

“You make me let my guard down, show emotion,” David said.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

“No it’s a good thing I promise, but it’s still your fault,” David said, remembering his promise not to correct him on the apologising thing.

“No,” Matteo said, raising his head, looking at him and frowning, challenging him.

“No?”

“It’s your own fault for bottling it up. This is just years’ worth of tears, that’s not my fault, but… maybe it’s a bit my fault that you feel safe enough to finally show that side of you,” he suggested.

“Ok it’s my fault and your fault,” David said, wiping his face on Matteo’s shoulder. 

He didn’t complain. David pulled back slightly, and took a deep breath, leaning against the bench. He watched all the people going about their busy lives as if nothing was wrong in the world.

“What do I do? She finally wants to be a mother to me, finally wants to be there for me, but she’s giving me a choice, for the first time ever she’s giving me a choice. I can forgive her or walk away,” David said.

“No,” Matteo said.

“No?” 

“I don’t think that’s the choice here. I don’t even think you have to forgive her yet, I think you have the time. I think you can let her into your life before you forgive her. I don’t think this is an all or nothing situation. I think this is going to take a long time, and obviously she is going to have to work really hard to earn your trust and eventually her forgiveness. But… you are going to have to put in the effort too-”

“What no Matteo I didn’t do anything-”

“I know that’s not what I’m saying. Ok. Let me think… ok… yes she was awful, terrible and cruel. But if she wants a relationship and she is willing to try, you have to put in the work too. That's how it works, you both have to try. Otherwise it’s not really fair. If you want a relationship with her you have to try too. I know it’s not the same but I can’t just expect mama to be sorry all the time for my childhood. Like I forgive her and I try to be there for as much as I can, even when it’s hard for me.

“I really thought I could avoid this but I need to have that talk. I need to tell her she let me down back then, badly, but we’re ok now. But I have to be honest or we’ll lose what we have. And I forgive her, I do, and I’ll start with that, but she needs to know what I forgive her for. It’s going to hurt her, but keeping it to myself hurts me. And don’t even get me started on papa, I can keep calling and texting but I’m gonna have to talk to him, I think I do want to go to Italy, I want to lay it out and tell him exactly how wrong he was. But… but not yet. I need to work on me first. I need to put myself first. Sorry I’ve gotten off track,” Matteo said.

David just stared, how did no one else see this? That all this was inside Matteo? He may have been quiet, but if you just gave him a little space to talk he was so insightful, so wise beyond his years. He was compassionate, and so forgiving. Yeah he could be so dumb sometimes, and the few times he spoke without thinking he could come across stupid or even rude. But that just wasn’t even close to a reflection of who he was. With David he always shared so much of himself. 

And David was so glad he felt comfortable doing so, so glad he could be that person for Matteo. He’d picked up on it right away, almost as soon as they met, confirmed it the evening they spent together in Matteo’s kitchen. Matteo was quiet but given just a little more time, a little more space to talk and he had such a lot to say. But it wasn’t just him anymore, all their friends were starting to follow his lead. His new friends right away, and their old friends were learning too. Giving him more space to talk, waiting for his opinion when discussing things.

“God you’re so good Matteo,” David said.

“So are you David, I’m only this good because I met you. Hell I’m only able to fucking talk to you like this, I’ve never been able to do that before-”

“But it’s like it’s all trapped inside of you,” David said.

“Yeah a bit. But I know you’ve got this, I know you can do it,” Matteo said.

“But there's no rush?” David asked.

“No rush at all,” Matteo said.

“I want to try,” David admitted.

“I know, if you didn’t I wouldn’t push this. But I know it’s what you want and you deserve a relationship with your parents, both of them. And it’s not as easy as it should be but I think if you have that chance you should take it,” Matteo said. 

“Yeah I mean I guess I should think myself lucky, some people don’t get this chance,” David said.

“Ok that's true but not totally relevant, this is for you and only you,” Matteo said.

“I love you,” David said.

“I know,” Matteo said, grinning at him.

David kicked him.

“I love you too,” he said softly. “Let’s go home,” he said, standing up and holding out his hand. 

David took it and allowed Matteo to pull him up carefully and take him home. Their home.

* * *

Matteo was going to be late to work, he was tidying again, David was not worried yet, but he was keeping an eye on it. 

Sara and Leonie were coming over to hang out with him, while Matteo was at work. Matteo had hung back to say hi. And to make sure everything was tidy. They were important guests and he knew how critical Leonie could be, even if it was in fun. David was starting to think he should have warned her to behave. 

Matteo came out of the kitchen, wringing a tea towel, wrapping it around his hand. 

“It's good they finally sorted themselves out,” Matteo said, "I bet they're really annoying about it now though," he said. 

They both knew he meant Leonie. 

“God so annoying,” David said, patting the bed. 

Matteo dropped the tea towel on the table and sat down beside him.

“So Leonie is acting like she wasn't a total mess about this like two weeks ago?” he asked.

“Pretty much,” David said, "not Sara though." 

Matteo leant against him.

"She's so happy, she's been sad a long time you know? She gets lonely but like me? That overwhelming loneliness that gets you even when you're surrounded by your closest friends," Matteo said. 

"Being with Leonie won't fix that," David said, concerned. 

"No it will, or letting her in again, not pushing her away, that's what helps," Matteo said. 

That made sense, Leonie was her best friend, if she'd been keeping her at a distance she had no one. Or at least it would have felt that way. 

"And now you two are best friends," David said. 

"No?" 

"You talk a lot, it's good, you obviously get each other. And you helped, she went to you and you helped her," David said. 

“ _I_ helped?” Matteo asked, seeming surprised as always. 

“Yeah Matteo you convinced Sara to stop stressing and trust her feelings,” David said.

“I did? Oh did she tell you what I said?” Matteo asked.

“Yes and then I made her send me screenshots,” David teased.

“Rude,” Matteo muttered.

David laughed.

“You were so sweet. But yeah essentially that was the push she needed to realise that she wanted Leonie, and she’d been ignoring it for a long time,” David said. 

“Oh.”

“You know she’d had a crush on Leonie when they were like thirteen and then again at sixteen, but each time she buried it down and tried to ignore it,” David explained. 

“Yeah she told me. What about Leonie, when was it for her?” Matteo asked. 

“Fourteen and seventeen,” he said.

“They kept missing each other,” Matteo said.

“Yeah but the second time Leonie couldn’t bury it, it was too much, she tried but she couldn’t ignore it.”

“Well it's good, you shouldn't bury feelings. They’re perfect for each other anyway,” Matteo said.

“Yeah they really are,” David agreed.

The buzzer went off and Matteo jumped up eagerly. David rolled his eyes but smiled fondly.

“Our first visitors,” he said.

Matteo looked back at him and frowned.

“We had like ten people here the other day and your dad was here on Sunday,” Matteo reminded him.

He pressed the button on the intercom to let the girls up.

“Yeah but he was here to apologise and stuff. The others were just minions so they didn’t count,” David said.

“Ha! I’ll tell Jonas you said that, you were so mean to him the other day,” Matteo said, opening the door.

“Oh I know it was so much fun,” David said, getting up from the bed and padding over to the door.

“Hello ladies,” Matteo said, as the girls reached their floor.

“Hi Leonie, hi Sara, come in,” David said, stepping aside.

They went into the main room and stood grinning at each other for a moment.

“So I really like the whole crack den chic you’ve got going on outside,” Leonie said. 

“Don’t be mean,” Sara said, “but it’s really lovely in here though,” she added.

Matteo beamed at her and David knew he was going to be so house proud. He loved that they had a home he could be proud of.

“Er do you want tea or coffee before I go?” Matteo asked.

David shook his head slightly at Leonie when Matteo looked toward the kitchen. He was already late, he didn’t want him rushing. 

“No thank you,” Leonie said.

“I can make the tea Matteo,” Sara offered.

“Ok thank you. I’ll show you quickly,” Matteo said, leading her to the kitchen.

“Don’t stress Matteo,” she said gently as they walked away.

David heard him apologising to her and shook his head.

“He was supposed to go to work ten minutes ago,” David explained, “but he’s been fussing because you were coming over,” he said.

“Will he get in trouble?” Leonie asked.

“No Ingrid is lovely, he doesn’t actually have set hours or like he’s set them himself. He made a timetable. But it's only twenty minutes from here,” David said,

“I know he’s working in _The Mansion_ ,” Leonie said, putting on a spooky voice.

“The Mansion?” David asked.

“That’s what we used to call it when we were kids,” Matteo said, coming back out with Sara.

“Yeah because it was scary and old,” Leonie said.

“Ingrid’s not scary, she’s lonely, and she took care of me when I was little and she never did anything wrong. I don’t know why you all used to make all that stuff up about her,” Matteo mumbled.

“Yeah me neither,” Leonie said, looking sheepish.

“You used to throw rocks at the house,” Matteo said.

“I know, Jonas did too,” Leonie said.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

Of course Matteo still felt guilty over stupid kid stuff. 

“Sometimes kids’ imaginations get the better of them,” Sara said, placing a gentle hand on Matteo’s elbow.

“Sorry I’m just imagining the pair of you at like age what? Seven? Eight?” David asked.

“We’ve known each other forever,” Leonie said, "all three of us best friends. We were a nightmare to be honest," she said. 

“I bet you were so cute,” David said.

“I was,” Leonie said.

“I was cuter,” Matteo said, then blushed.

“He was," Leonie agreed, "he looked like a fucking cherub, chubby pink cheeks, all that blond hair, those innocent blue eyes. But he was so naughty, like really naughty, and so cheeky with the teachers at school. But he got away with everything. You used to get Jonas in so much trouble,” she said.

“I did,” Matteo admitted. 

“Remember when you kicked that football through old Harold’s window? And he came out in his pyjamas yelling, waving his walking stick. And he took one look at you and then Jonas and he went off on Jonas,” Leonie said.

David laughed at that, he couldn’t imagine anyone ever yelling at a tiny Matteo. He'd seen photos he knew. 

“Shit, I really have to go but like come over again when I'm not working,” Matteo said.

“We will I promise,” Leonie said, reaching out and hugging him, then Sara did the same.

Matteo ran to the door and then ran back into the room.

“Shit David,” he said.

“Oh, remembered me?” David asked, raising an eyebrow.

He rolled his eyes and grabbed David’s collar, pulling him in for a kiss, which David couldn’t help but smile against his lips.

Then Matteo rushed off again yelling bye as he went.

“Ah you two are like couple goals,” Sara said.

“We’re gonna beat them babe,” Leonie said.

“Why is your sofa over there?” Sara asked, frowning.

“So we can sleep together,” David said.

“Kinky,” Leonie said.

 _“Sleep,”_ David said.

“Why?” Sara asked curiously.

“I don’t know sleeping, laying down I need space, Matteo moves a lot in his sleep and is clingy,” David explained.

“And you’re not?” Leonie asked.

“Ok so we’re both clingy but right now he could hurt me so we have to sleep separately,” David said.

“Oh I bet that’s killing you,” Leonie said.

It really was. When he was able to share the bed again he was never sleep alone again. 

“It’s why the sofa’s there, so at least we can hold hands,” David said.

“Dear god,” Leonie muttered, but he saw her lips twitching.

“That is so cute,” Sara said.

Leonie looked at her girlfriend in disbelief then dropped the cool act.

“It is,” she admitted quietly.

“Softie,” Sara said, “so you two haven’t been fucking on here right?” she asked, moving over to the sofa.

David blinked and Leonie beamed at her.

“No?” he said.

“Cool help me babe?” Sara said.

Leonie nodded and grabbed the other end of the sofa.

“We’ll put it back after,” Sara promised.

They picked the sofa up with ease and carried it to the centre of the room. A lot less fuss than whenever Matteo tried to move it. David realised he'd forgotten it. He was tempted to text him, teasing but decided against it. Didn't want him running back here to apologise 

All three of them squashed on it. Sara and Leonie pressed together so David had space. Not that they minded.

“I really like this apartment,” Sara said, looking around, “it’s really bright, these huge windows are awesome,” she said,

“I think the two upstairs apartments are still empty, they look a bit rougher than this though,” he said.

Sara nodded thinking it over. He winked at Leonie who looked a bit shaken.

“So how long until you can like lift things and stuff?” Leonie asked, changing the subject.

“I’m at three weeks on Friday and I should be allowed to move more after that. I have a physio and a consultation. I’m feeling fine now anyway, but I should be ok after like eight weeks to do most everyday stuff again,” David said, "but all the sports stuff, that's what I have to wait on," he said. 

“Yeah,” Leonie agreed.

“But you know what I can’t wait for?”

“What?”

“Swimming,” David said, "I miss swimming," he told them. 

He hadn’t been swimming in years. Until he went on that road trip with Matteo, he hadn’t been in the water since he turned thirteen. But he missed it, laying in the ocean, water lapping around him, it reminded him how much he'd loved swimming as a kid.

He'd been thinking about it since his trip to town with Matteo. Matteo had picked him some hideous bright green and orange swim trunks. He'd bought black ones instead. And then a light blue pair for their holiday. 

“Oh that makes sense,” Sara said.

“So we can go together right? When you can?" Leonie asked. 

“Yeah that’ll be good. But like I mean to actually swim, not just sit by the pool gossiping,” David clarified.

Leonie scowled. 

“I can swim, I’ll beat you,” she said.

“I’ll beat both of you,” Sara said confidently.

“God you’re so happy, I don’t mean you were always miserable before but there’s something different about it now,” Leonie said, "like you were happy last week too but I don't know it's more now," she said. 

“Yeah you seem… I don’t know lighter,” Sara said.

“Well I mean I’ve just dropped a body part,” David joked.

But he knew what she meant.

“Yeah but ok, so it’s in your shoulders you’re standing, or sitting taller right now. But it’s in your face too, like relief,” Sara explained.

“Not quite relieved though, more like… _finally_. You’re finally you, where you should be. Does that make sense?” Leonie asked.

“Yeah it really does,” David said. 

That was exactly how it felt. It was more than the surgery, it was moving in with Matteo. It was all his friends just being there for him without question. It was the prospect of reconciling with his parents. Laura who’d just always been there for him. It was finally reaching out to get help, learning to let people take care of him when he needed it. He wasn’t alone anymore.

“Then I’m so fucking happy for you,” Leonie said.

“I love you both so much, you’re my best friends you know?” David asked.

“Same, David, same,” Leonie said. 

“Can I hug you? I’ll be careful,” Sara asked.

David reached out and both girls carefully wrapped their arms around him. He held them close.

Again he was so glad for Leonie’s persistent nature, how she’d practically forced him into their friendship. He was so glad for it. They would be friends for life and he couldn't wait to see it all play out. All he seemed to be doing lately was thinking about the future.

It was something he hadn't done for a long time. He’d looked forward to top surgery sure. He had his plan of becoming a film director. But everything had just been a hazy idea. Nothing set in stone. It still wasn’t really, but he had firm ideas now, where he wanted to be in five, ten, fifty years from now. And he knew he would get there.

* * *

####  **Julia**

_Julia (Tuesday, 14.11): Sorry to bother you David but Matteo has told me to stop asking him questions. Said I should ask you instead. I won’t blow up your phone. But I did want to ask something._

_David (14.12): Hi Julia how are you?_

_David (14.13): You can ask me what you want_

_Julia (14.15): I’m good thank you but there’s been something that’s been weighing on my mind_

_David (14.17): What’s up?_

_Julia (14.22): Firstly I’ve been thinking about what I said about your mum, I wasn't trying to make excuses, I was just trying to rationalise her behaviour, because you were struggling, but I wasn’t trying to make excuses, I just wanted to make sure you got that. I’m on your side here, and as a mother I could never justify her behaviour_

_David (14.25): No I understood what you meant don’t worry, you were trying to comfort me I got that I’m going to try and work things out_

_Julia (14.28): Well done David. But if you can’t that’s not your fault, and I am always here for you_

_David (14.29): Thank you_

_Julia (14.31): Ok so something I’ve been wondering, Matteo mentioned the other day, that you were afraid to tell me, and part of it was because I’m a Christian? And I promise that this does not change how I feel about you at all, we are all god’s children and it is not for me to judge you_

_Julia (14.35): But I wanted to learn more on the church’s view, because I did google and there are plenty of transgender christians and churches who accept them and I will switch if it’s necessary, because I won’t follow someone who spouts hate. So I wanted to ask Father Ralf, but Matteo said I need to ask you before I mentioned you, even just as my son’s boyfriend and not by name in case you ever wanted to come to the church with us_

_David (14.40): Oh. Yeah I would rather you were vague with him if that’s ok_

_Julia (14.42): Of course, then I will just ask in a more general fashion_

_Julia (14.43): But I think he will be ok, he has no problem with Matteo_

_David (14.45): Maybe, but these things aren’t the same and there are people that accept gay people and not trans people_

_Julia (14.51): Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t even realise, I must seem so ignorant to you_

_David (14.55): You’re trying and I appreciate it_

_Julia (15.10): I think I made a mistake before_

_David (15.13): What?_

_Julia (15.15): When Matteo came out the first thing I did was go speak to Father Ralf, because even though it changed nothing, I wanted to know what it meant for me and my faith, because I wasn’t going to keep going to a church that turned its back on him_

_David (15.16): Father Ralf knows Matteo?_

_Julia (15.17): Yes since he was born_

_Julia (15.18): I shouldn’t have told him should I?_

_David (15.19): It’s difficult and I don’t think it’s something even Matteo was fully aware of back then_

_David (15.21): But no you shouldn't have_

_Julia (15.23): I get it I do, I didn’t even think_

_David (15.25): Have you told anyone about me?_

_Julia (15.27): No_

_Julia (15.29): I won’t David I promise_

_David (15.31): I trust you_

_Julia (15.34): Sorry for being a pain_

_David (15.38): I don’t mind I don’t expect you to know everything, and the internet can only tell you so much_

_David (15.40): Is it stupid that I feel like all of this is stuff I should be explaining to my own mum?_

_Julia (15.43): Not at all, what I’m doing now, trying to understand you a little better, it’s the bare minimum you deserve from her_

_David (15.45): Thank you_

* * *

####  **Mum**

_David (Tuesday, 17.33): ok_

_David (17.34): if you try, if you’re able to accept me as me, David, and you’re willing to try then I am too._

_David (17.35): but it won’t be easy, and I can’t forgive you. not yet. But in time maybe_

_Mum (17.38): thank you David, I promise I'll do better_

_David (17.42): and I don’t want to see you for a while_

_David (17.43): I'm in therapy, and I want to work on myself first_

_Mum (17.45): I understand, are you ok David?_

_David (17.51): I am but I have some stuff I want to deal with_

_Mum (17.55): I hope it helps, I myself have been seeing a professional, I want to be better for you_

_David (18.05): be better for yourself, not for me_

* * *

David stepped into the study studio and was immediately surrounded by the gang. They whooped and cheered, Peter stood up and squeezed his shoulders. They’d made him a cake. A little lopsided and the icing: _get well soon David_ was totally wobbly. But it was perfect.

He beamed at them.

“For you,” Chloe said.

David blushed, they were so kind.

“I would like to clarify I had work, so I left this up to them and this is what you get,” Lucy said.

“Well I love it,” David said.

He sat down opposite Lucy and he realised they always sat this way. It was so familiar, it was routine to them now. It would stay routine through the next few years as they worked together on projects, but even when they were working on other things, he would always study with these guys.

“So David! Finally you’re back we have a lot of work to do,” Peter said, getting out his trusty notebook.

He’d obviously been working a lot on this while he was recovering, there were tons of extra sheets spilling out of it.

Chloe tutted.

“Be nice Peter, he needs to recuperate,” she said.

“No Chloe he needs to pull himself together. I bet you’ve just been laying about. If you wanna get strong again you gotta-” 

David laughed.

“You’ve changed your tune,” he said to Lucy.

“Tough love, you’ve had your break now, you need to start moving before all your muscles waste away,” she said.

“Ok fuck off I went for a walk yesterday and I walked here,” David informed he.

“The whole way?” she asked.

“Yes the whole way, walking is all I’m allowed to do right now,” David muttered.

He huffed and kicked her under the table.

“How are you doing David?” Peter asked.

“So good,” he said, “it was hell of an adjustment at first and it really threw me. I was kind of unprepared for it, but it’s good. It’s so good,” he told them.

“Happy?” Lucy asked gently.

“So happy,” he said.

“Is it everything you wanted?” Chloe asked.

“It really is, it’s everything I’d dreamed. Chloe it’s just… I don’t know how to put it, I’m just…”

“Content?” Lucy suggested.

“Yes! Content,” he agreed.

He was content, he was happy. He was comfortable in his own skin like he hadn't felt before.

“And hows the apartment?” Peter said.

“It’s perfect,” he said, “I’ve been wanting it for a while but I kept putting off because it was too soon, but it isn’t, we’re making a home together, why wait?”

“Oh that's nice, ignore those doubts,” Chloe said, “you’re going to be so happy there,” she said.

“Are you all coming to the party on Friday?” he asked, mostly to Lucy.

“Still thinking on it,” she joked.

“We’ll all be there,” Chloe said.

“It’s just drinks and hanging out, it’s not gonna be a rager,” he said.

Lucy nodded.

Peter cleared his throat. He was getting agitated, wanting to work on the project.

He really was the biggest nerd David had ever met. 

“Ok so project work,” Peter said, trying to get them back on track, “we’ve all been doing great work, but I think we need to start bringing it together now. Deadline's in two months, but I want to have everything in place by next month if possible,” he said.

David had to agree, they had a lot of content, a lot of material but it was in danger of becoming out of control. They needed to pull it all in now, make it flow. 

"So what do we have?" Peter asked 

“We got some good scenes,” Lucy said.

"We've definitely got enough written out now," Chloe said. 

"I'd say written wise about half is useable with editing, but the rest needs a lot of work and quite a bit will need to be cut. Because the stories evolved far from the original concept and some of the stuff we wrote then just doesn't have a place," David said. 

"Ok we are all happy with the final scene yes?" 

They'd decided to go for the president of Beige City and his loyal followers still in their city. Adamant their way was correct, while everyone else had defected either to Rainbow City or just the rest of the world. It wasn't supposed to make perfect sense, more highlight the fact that the rest of the world had carried on as normal. And highlight that people would always choose the path of freedom even if it was harder. 

They all agreed with Peter. 

"Ok then I think we should work back from that tying it all in," he said. 

"Good idea," Lucy said. 

That was high praise from her and Peter certainly knew it. 

“Then we need to present the premise though, and state our film plan,” David said. 

Because the script wasn't the actual task. They then needed to apply all the techniques they'd learnt to it. He was a little concerned, there was still a lot of work to do and he was on reduced hours. And as stubborn as he was he knew he couldn't come in every day. 

"Don't stress David we've got this," Lucy said gently. 

“How long are we thinking this movie will be?” Peter asked.

“Four hours,” Chloe said.

They had a lot of ideas but that was excessive.

“Realistically?”

“Let’s aim for forty-five minutes but I think to cover everything we need an hour,” David suggested.

“That’s a lot though,” Lucy said, thinking of how many filming hours that would be next year. 

They could start at the end of summer though.

"Ok plan: two weeks pull it all together, get the plot locked down, cut anything unnecessary. Then two more weeks to tidy it, make it presentable. Then April we'll work on how to present it to Becker," Chloe said. 

That sounded better, under control. David relaxed a little. 

Peter clapped his hands together.

“That’s a good plan,” he said.

“Ok so how do we want to present it?” Lucy asked. "Ideas?" 

They'd not been given any rules just told to present it to her in a way that fit their style. 

“Can we cut the scenes we do have into a trailer?” David asked.

“Perfect,” Chloe said.

“Then we just explain the premise, David can do that because he has the best voice,” Lucy said.

"Thanks," David said, grinning at her. 

"And we can write an essay analysing the movie and the techniques, as if it's done," Peter said. 

"That's fucking genius Peter," Lucy said. 

Peter went bright red, not used to so much praise from her. 

“Thanks Lucy,” he mumbled.

“You’re welcome dude,” she said, punching him hard on the arm. 

“This is gonna be so great,” Chloe said.

“We’re definitely going to get top grades,” Peter said, "top of the class I reckon," he said. 

All three of them looked at him and then grinned at each other, trying not to laugh. Peter was such a swot. But he was probably right, it was a good project. 

It worked because they worked well together. Fairly. It was more than the fact they were friends although that was absolutely the truth, David knew that. But they worked out their strengths and weaknesses and divided the work up appropriately. But they never worked in isolation, always kept the others filled in on what they were working on. That way they could all learn and improve. David knew when he got the chance to make his movie, the story about a kid like him that he'd been thinking of lately, he'd want them on his team. 

* * *

####  **papa**

_papa (Wednesday, 14.15): Matteo i haven’t heard from you in a few days_

_papa (14.16): Are you ok?_

_papa (14.17): How was the doctor?_

_papa (14.18): Have you thought anymore about Italy?_

_Matteo (14.31): Leave me alone_

_Matteo (14.32): You failed me so completely I don’t even know why you’re bothering_

_papa (14.33): Matteo_

_papa (14.35): Matteo_

_Missed call papa_

_Missed call papa_

_Missed call papa_

* * *

David walked into the apartment that afternoon to find Matteo lying in the middle of the floor. Shit. He’d had the doctor’s appointment. Matteo hadn’t mentioned it because of course he hadn’t. David decided then that every morning he would ask Matteo what he had planned for the day, so that stuff like this didn’t get overlooked.

He approached Matteo carefully and stood over him. He was laying there, eyes closed, covered by his hair, face and neck red from where he’d been rubbing at it.

“Everything ok?” he asked.

“No,” Matteo whispered, opening his eyes.

David sighed and carefully lowered himself to the floor, Matteo reaching out to help him down once he realised what he was doing. Getting down wasn’t too much of a problem, it was getting back up.

“Talk to me,” David said quietly, running his hands through Matteo’s hair, brushing it out of his face so that he could see him properly. 

“The doctor knew,” Matteo said, “like straight away,” he added, face twisting up in distress.

David tried to smooth away the worry lines. At least the doctor was good, if they recognised it straight away. At least it validated Matteo’s thoughts.

“Ok,” David said carefully, “I know you didn't want to tell but maybe it's a good thing,” he said. 

Matteo just sighed. There was something else. Because Matteo knew that there was always a chance the doctor would figure it out, it was literally his job. 

“What did he say?” David asked.

“She,” Matteo corrected, “when Lea was choosing someone who she recommended I asked for it to be a woman, that first doctor was a guy, back when I went for help as a teenager remember? And he didn’t listen to a word I said, I know that’s stupid, but he was dismissive,” he said. 

This was the guy that wouldn’t talk to Matteo without his parents, kept asking to see his mum, and Matteo had gotten scared and never gone back. He’d been let down a lot by adults who were supposed to take care of him, look out for him.

“Not stupid, what did she say?” David asked.

“It’s already in my file,” Matteo said.

And that was unexpected, because this was all new to Matteo so what the hell was going on?

“Apparently I have a file, or notes against my medical record. Twice David, two of my primary school teachers on separate fucking occasions suggested that I get assessed. My mum agreed both times, signed off on the letters. There are missed appointments. A preliminary assessment from some woman at the school. But I never had the fucking test!” he yelled the last part.

“Ok,” David said quietly, trying to stay calm.

How badly could one boy be failed by a system that was supposed to protect him? He was angry too but it wouldn’t do them any good if they both got wound up. Matteo needed to rage about this, he would need David to pull him back.

“I'm really fucking angry David! Why didn't she take me? Why didn't they push when I missed the appointments? Why was all this fucking shit allowed to happen why didn't we get the support? Why did no one help me? My dad should’ve helped! Mama should’ve helped. Everything David! My whole fucking life I’ve felt like I was all wrong. Everything is so hard for me! No one- no one helped me,” Matteo sobbed, anger leaving him as quickly as it came.

David had no idea how any of this stuff worked, but it was clear he’d been failed. He’d slipped through the system, forgotten. His greatest fear.

“Maybe it’s because your dad was home then, or supposed to be, so they didn’t pay as much attention,” David suggested.

“It's not fucking fair, David I’m so mad,” Matteo said, he was shaking with it.

David got up on his knees and leant over Matteo, pressing down on his chest with his hands, using his weight to press him into the floor without hurting himself. Matteo continued to shake, he was too tense. So David carefully climbed on top of him, sitting on his legs then laying back so that all his weight was on him. It was the closest he could get to squeezing him. Matteo finally went lax underneath him, almost sinking into the floor.

“Ok?” David whispered.

“No,” Matteo said, sounding so small and helpless, “but it helps,” he said.

“You have to help me up later,” David said.

“We could just stay here forever,” Matteo suggested.

“I would love that,” David agreed, “but even you would get uncomfortable eventually.”

“I keep saying it wasn't her fault but maybe it was just a bit, and it was definitely papa’s,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?” 

“Mama had medication you know? She could've taken it and been better… but then that’s not fair… because what about me? I don’t want to take anything, I might have to but I desperately don’t want to. But at least I’m getting fucking help. And… she needed support, she needed papa. He should’ve helped. I know he was struggling but… they fucked up so badly David. I just wish someone would've helped me,” he said.

David didn’t say anything, just reached out and took each of Matteo’s hands in his own. He immediately began to play with his fingers.

“David it was so hard. I think I've been a grown up since I was nine years old, I had no choice. No one else was going to take care of me and it's exhausted me. I'm worn out. I’m so close to done. Being autistic means I’m already highly at risk of depression and anxiety disorders, plus there’s mama, and papa too. It was all just inevitable; I never stood a fucking chance. They shouldn’t have ever had me,” Matteo said.

David squeezed his hands tight.

“Don’t... don’t even think like that Matteo, don’t you dare, you are not a mistake,” David insisted, “your mum has said so many times that having you was the best thing that’s ever happened to her. Ok? The odds were against them, but you are so fucking strong, you’ve been through so much and look at you now,” he said. 

“I’m a fucking mess,” Matteo muttered.

“You’re amazing. You’re brave and kind, with everything you’ve been through it could have made you cold, closed off and mean but you’re far from it. You care about everyone. You could’ve given up, but you didn’t, you’re trying so hard. And when things go wrong you keep trying. I know right now it doesn’t feel like it but I promise you, you’re so brave, you’re resilient, and you’re strong, so strong. 

“And you will get through this, and Matteo I’m so glad you’re in my life. I can't imagine my life without you, I can’t even try. I won’t because it would be terrible, I need you, always. The day you came into my life it was as if everything settled. I no longer had to hide, to run. For the first time ever the uncertainty of the future was exciting, I wanted to see where it led. I’d found you and I couldn’t let you go. Matteo to me you are perfect, ok? So please don’t think like that, no one’s life would be better if you weren't born, and mine, your mum’s your dad’s, all our friends, I can promise you they would be awful without you,” David said, “you will never disappear, you will never be forgotten. We all see you, we all love you, and we all need you,” he insisted.

He felt Matteo shaking underneath him, crying hard. He just squeezed his hands until it passed.

“Dr Meyer doesn't want me on meds right away, I thought she would,” Matteo told him, when he’d calmed down a little.

“What does she want?” David asked, carefully he shifted a little so he could tilt his head up and look at Matteo.

His eyes were closed, face red, cheeks wet with tears.

“Push me up?” David said, leaning forward a little.

Matteo got his hands under David and helped him to a sitting position. David turned himself around, still sitting on Matteo but facing him now. He wiped Matteo’s face gently with his sleeve.

“What does she want?” David asked again.

“We had a really long chat about whether Lea was the right person to treat me or should I see someone even more specialised? But she agreed with me that I’m already comfortable with Lea so I should stick with her because it’s so hard for me to feel comfortable around strangers, I don’t want to go through it again,” he explained.

“Exactly. Ultimately it’s your choice, and if you need more specialist help later that’s fine,” David assured him.

“Yeah it’s all so confusing. Dr Meyer is only to assess and diagnose me and if she thinks I need it prescribe me with meds. She’s not supposed to help me sort out my head like Lea. So we were chatting like I do with Lea but all the time she was just assessing me. Obviously if she thinks there’s something that might help me, she’ll say. But that’s mostly Lea’s job,” Matteo explained.

It made sense. Matteo didn’t need too many people telling him what to do.

“And what did she say? Or is it too soon?” David asked.

“So… I definitely have depression and anxiety too,” he said.

“Which we expected,” David said.

“Yeah and the assessment for autism is not that straightforward, because… she explained it… er… there’s like a lot of questions and it takes time and usually more than one doctor is involved. And it’s hard enough seeing her. So she doesn’t think the process would do me any good right at this moment, so she will treat it as fact. Right now managing the depression is crucial because it’s hurting me. So like essentially we know I’m probably autistic but she wants to focus on the depression first. Because she thinks it’s… not fixable but that it needn’t take over my life. But at the same time she’s very aware that it is being impacted by the autism. 

“There are so many different types of depression and they can change. Like mama? She had postnatal depression and it went away. But then it came back but as like… long term depression… persistent that’s what Dr Meyer said. That’s when it lasts years. And there’s psychosis for mama too, that’s the visions, the things she sees that we can’t and the obsession with the church. That’s why it’s essential she stays on her meds, but it’s hard for her because the psychosis stops her trusting, god I didn’t mean it before, when I said it was selfish of her, it’s so much harder than just taking the meds,” Matteo said.

It always amazed David how he never held onto his anger, despite being so wronged.

“I know Matteo,” he said.

“She’s doing so well and I’m proud of her now,” Matteo insisted.

“I know you are but what about you?” David said, trying to get the conversation back on track.

Matteo must be exhausted by all this.

“Er… I have like… not temporary depression, but there are a lot of factors causing it, and if we can manage the factors we can manage the depression… and it may even go completely but if not it doesn’t need to be this life destroying thing,” Matteo said, and the relief from that was so obvious.

It must have felt like a life sentence for him, after years of watching his mother struggling, knowing that was coming for him too.

“Ok factors?”

“I’m autistic, no… I’m autistic but no one helped me and my life is harder than it needs to be. Yeah? So if we work on that it should ease things,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

“I’m traumatised, most people don’t like being alone, but I’m irrationally afraid of it, because I was left alone for so long and it was so hard and I just can’t be alone, it terrifies me,” he said.

David reached down and squeezed his shoulders for a moment. Matteo smiled.

“You won’t be,” he promised.

“No I know but I need to be able to be. I need to be strong enough to be alone even if I never will be again,” Matteo said.

“Ok you’re right,” David agreed.

“And me and Lea, we need to go through my childhood and come to terms with what happened, but I mustn’t push I must go at my own pace but… everything was locked away, but now we’ve started talking about some of it, it’s like I’m remembering more so we have to manage it,” Matteo said.

They had to get on top or he would become overwhelmed by it all and he would start shutting down. It was such a careful balance.

“That makes sense,” David said.

“And then we need to deal with my fear and anxiety because that’s another impactor, for some people autism and anxiety are like intrinsically linked,” Matteo explained.

“Yours isn’t?” David asked.

“It is but that’s a different anxiety, does that make sense? I have two anxieties, one is social to do with feeling different and out of place and that’s what makes me quiet,” Matteo said.

It was very confusing, Matteo’s understanding of all of this was amazing. That he was even able to put into words was such an impressive thing.

“That makes sense and the other?”

“It’s similar but separate, Dr Meyer understood when I explained. They seem the same but they’re not. It’s the fear of being alone, and left behind and it’s why I push and why I desperately cling to you and try to keep you around and I adjust my behaviour to the point of harm because I’m so afraid everyone is going to leave me, that’s what the cleaning is, even the cooking, that’s a different anxiety, to do with the trauma,” Matteo said.

David nodded, he so desperately wanted to go back in time find Matteo and drag him away from everything. Wrap him up in his arms and keep him safe. Promise him that everything would be ok. But he couldn’t do that. And Matteo was going to be fine. He knew he was going to be fine.

“It’s entirely my papa’s fault,” Matteo said but he wasn’t even angry, just sad.

“He tried to protect you and he’s ended up doing you so much harm,” David said.

“There’s no fix, it’s like I have to unlearn the behaviours,” Matteo said.

“It’ll take time,” David said.

It didn’t matter, he was in this forever, he’d already told Laura and Hans he was happy to spend the rest of his life reassuring Matteo. And he would.

“A lifetime,” Matteo said quietly.

He wasn’t afraid, he was calm. He knew.

“I’m staying,” David promised.

“I know,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

“Right now I know, but that doesn’t mean I’ll always believe you,” Matteo admitted.

“I’ll always tell you,” David said.

Matteo reached out and tangled their hands. David wanted nothing more than to lie down on him. The day he could finally do that he was going to be attached to Matteo for a week. They were supposed to have a house warming on Friday, but he had his appointment with Dr Straken first. If she said he could hug Matteo he was locking everyone out. Not really but no one was staying. That weekend he was going to attach himself to Matteo and never let go. 

“I need that,” Matteo said, “I need you to tell me over and over, it feels so good, I know it’s annoying but I need you to tell me a hundred times a day,” Matteo said.

“Then I will,” David promised.

“And I need to cut back on the smoking, or… when bad things happen I can’t just smoke myself into oblivion because that’s actually making it a lot worse and if I can’t manage moderation I have to stop. And I have to watch the drinking too,” he said, and David knew he was thinking of his dad.

“Ok we’ll cut back,” David said.

Matteo frowned.

“No you’re fine,” he said.

“Nope we do this together, you don’t drink much outside of socially, so let’s focus on the weed. Let’s start with cutting back and see how it goes, but… you don’t smoke nearly as much as you used to right? Unless somethings going wrong. Before we were dating you would just smoke because you were bored, now you only do it at parties,” David said.

“Yeah but it’s for the wrong reason,” Matteo said.

David was starting to wonder why Matteo was even worried about all of this. He was so self-aware. He knew what was going on and he was putting in the work to heal. He was going to be fine. David wasn’t going to let him fail.

“Ah it’s to get through the party, not to have fun?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Ok then if you want to smoke because you’re having fun that’s ok, if it’s because everything’s unbearable, you come and you find me or Jonas or Hanna, and we’ll distract you some other way, or we’ll just go home,” David said.

“Sorry,” Matteo said.

“For what?” David asked, knowing exactly what he was going to say, argument at the ready.

“That you have to like... look after me,” he said.

“Nope, spending time with you is not looking after you, it’s my favourite thing in the world. But even if I was looking after you I would want to, you’ve taken care of me so well these past few weeks, not once have you gotten fed up,can you try to believe it’s the same for me?” David asked.

“Ok. I’ll try,” Matteo said, “And I might need meds for some time if it gets bad like before I was working at Ingrid’s but Dr Meyer is happy at how that helps, you know the routine? But it won't overtake my life like I was so afraid of. It’s not the same as mama’s,” he said. 

And David realised he didn't quite grasp the extent to which Matteo was worrying about this. For such a long time too, long before they were dating. Even though he’d just gone through what was probably an incredibly difficult appointment and even though he was upset at what he’d found out, David had never seen him so calm. That weight that had been crushing him down for years, was finally easing. Matteo could finally see that his future wasn’t going to be the nightmare he’s been imagining all these years. But something beautiful. 

“You’ve done so well though Matteo? All these techniques you taught yourself, I know you should’ve had help but you did so well anyway, I’m so proud of you, when I say you’re strong I’m not joking,” David said.

Matteo just smiled, so happy, and David felt like he would burst.

“Oh and she says while we’re working through everything she can diagnose me as autistic, but like no pressure, we’ll do all the millions of questions over our sessions. She’s very good, I think she’s already asked some. She makes a lot of notes. But I'll be going every two weeks for three months, then once a month until she discharges me. So she’ll do an ongoing assessment, refer to another doctor for a second opinion, they may want to talk to me but it won’t be soon. And she said what was more important was the techniques I already have, told me I'd done really well learning to deal with the world when no one was helping me and she said… she said…”

Something was worrying him, David reached out and stroked his face. 

“Yeah?” 

“She said Lea will be able to teach me more and yeah she’s not a specialist but if I’m comfortable with her we can work it out. But also that the world needs to learn to deal with me too,” Matteo said.

“How do you mean?” David asked. 

“Like I've made a lot of changes to my behaviour for fear of annoying people, it may not seem like it but I do, I’m constantly worrying that I’m too loud or too weird, I think I need to stop doing that,” Matteo said.

David groaned as he leant forward to press a soft kiss to his lips. Then another one. Then a third. He leant back.

“Yes you do,” he whispered. 

“Because... I'm autistic and I need to behave… or be a certain way and just because I have a handle on it doesn't mean I should try to control it like I do because it hurts me. Because I don’t have a handle on it do I? It hurts me so much, it hurts my brain and my skin and my chest and my stomach and it just messes me up David,” Matteo said. 

“What do you need me to do?” David asked, knowing he would do anything Matteo asked to make his life easier. 

“Not you,” Matteo mumbled. 

“Yes me Matteo, we'll start with me I'll do anything you need and then we'll work on the others when you’re ready,” David said.

“Just…”

He shrugged but David waited. 

“Keep being you,” he said.

“I will but I know you're thinking other stuff, I won’t be mad,” David said.

“I don’t know yet… I’m still learning this stuff, like it’s been my whole life but a lot of it is stuff I don't even realise I’m doing but maybe… I think maybe… you’re just so good I don’t know what else you can do but that might change,” Matteo said.

“But?”

“There's some depression stuff, can I tell you what I need from you for that?”

“Of course,” David insisted, he moved to climb off Matteo but Matteo immediately reached up and grabbed him, holding him in place.

“I need you to push me more and I think I need you to let Amira push me I know you think you're protecting me but I trust her to know when to stop and she might take it further than you but I can handle it,” Matteo said.

David had been so careful with him, had he taken it too far? He never wanted to treat Matteo like he was made of glass.

“Was I wrong?” he asked. 

“No… it’s... you’ve been right but I can handle more now, maybe I couldn’t before but I think I can now,” Matteo said, “I think you’d probably pick up on it anyway because you usually do but, I don’t even know what I’m saying,” he said, giving up.

David wasn’t going to allow that.

“No keep going,” he insisted.

“And actually it might be an autistic thing too. I think you’ll need to figure it out, it's the same really... you'll have to learn it, when to push and when to not. Like when you let me figure out the autism on my own that was right, because I couldn’t have handled that before I was ready. But with stuff like school you say you’re not going to make a decision for me,” he said

“No and Matteo I won't,” David said. 

“No I know but... you take it too far the other way. I need you to input and help me narrow down what I want to do because I really want to do this social work thing but now there's a voice in my head saying you're only choosing that because David said you'd be good at helping people and he'll be disappointed you didn't choose yourself because you're always pushing me to make my own choices which is good but it doesn't work for me, I need you to help me,” Matteo said, he looked so worried.

“Oh Matteo I'm sorry,” David whispered. 

“I'm not trying to make you feel bad,” Matteo said.

There was a horrible heavy weight in his stomach.

“No but I really thought I understood you so well,” he said.

Matteo sat up suddenly almost dislodging him. He grabbed his face. 

“Oh you do you absolutely do but people are complex even me and you can never fully understand someone because also we change and grow but you do and always will understand me better than anyone else I promise. I’m still figuring all this out, you can't fully understand me until I understand myself. Are we ok?” 

David leant forward and pressed his forehead against Matteo’s. That made sense, they weren’t staying the same, they were growing and they were fine. 

“We are so ok, you know what you're right we already had it pretty perfect but that has to grow and adapt with us,” David said.

“Exactly and I do appreciate how you've handled all this,” Matteo said, bringing his arms up to wrap around David.

“I will try and help you make decisions but I think you're wrong,” David said. 

“What, why?”

“You make your own decisions just fine. I will always point you in the right direction but you came up with social work all by yourself. I guided you, Ingrid guided you but ultimately it was your idea so it worked, I'm going to keep it that way, but what it seems like you need is help with the voice in your head,” David said.

“Oh ok,” Matteo said.

“So I'll help you but your decisions are just fine I promise,” David said.

Matteo didn’t seem convinced. 

“Oh,” he mumbled. 

“Sorry have I dismissed you?” David asked. 

“No I’m just trying to figure out my head, like what’s the depression, I think the voice is depression, the negativity, because it wasn’t always like that, do you think we can make it go away?” Matteo asked.

Oh he hoped so, he would do everything he could to make that happen. 

“Yeah we can, you can Matteo… sorry can we get up my back is killing me?” David asked.

He was starting to cramp up. Matteo nodded and together they carefully got up and wobbled over to the sofa. David was stiff and achy, like an old man. He couldn't wait to start working out again. Matteo laid down and pulled David against him. That was better, comfortable.

“Can I just... one more thing and this is my anxiety but I need you to let me say sorry even when you don't think I need to be or that I've said it enough when you say don't say sorry all it does is make me scream it inside my own head. I know I say it too much and I'll try to unlearn it, but telling me not to say it makes it worse... sorry,” Matteo said.

“Oh god Matteo I’m sorry,” David said.

“No it’s ok I know you're trying to help me and you’re right but it’s not that simple, it’s my head,” he said.

David nodded, and pressed against Matteo. He was feeling pretty overwhelmed himself, no wonder he’d found Matteo on the floor. He’d done so well, and to explain all that, and David was so proud. They stayed there quietly for a while. David needing just as long to process as Matteo.

He always liked these quiet moments, where they could just sit there together, peaceful and calm. He’d never felt so comfortable in silence like that. No need to worry about Matteo was thinking, like he did with others.

“So next steps?” David asked. 

“I’m not supposed to see Lea till next week but I think I need to see her sooner. I’m gonna call later,” Matteo said.

“Ok,” David said.

“I think... can you come with me? This one's going to be really hard, I want to talk about mama not helping and papa leaving,” Matteo said.

That was going to hurt, that was going to be incredibly tough. But Matteo was strong enough, and David would support him through all of it. Just like Matteo always supported him.

“Of course,” David promised. 

“It might fuck me up,” Matteo whispered, “please don’t let me leave,” he said. 

“Never,” David said.

Matteo nodded again and pulled David closer against him. They fell quiet again. David felt exhausted by this entire conversation, he couldn’t even imagine how Matteo felt. He’d been through this twice today. He was so strong explaining it all again. 

“I'm not emotionless,” Matteo mumbled.

“No Matteo,” David said, looking up at him, “look at me Matteo,” he said.

Matteo looked down at him, a slightly desperate look in his eyes.

“Like I love you I really love you and I know I love you it’s real David it’s really how I feel I have emotions and I feel them,” Matteo insisted desperately.

David reached up and tangled his fingers in his hair, pulling it and keeping Matteo’s face tilted towards his. 

“Oh Matteo I never once doubted that,” David whispered. 

“But like I shouldn't right?” Matteo asked. 

“Ok I'm not going to explain your own condition to you but I did a lot of research,” David admitted. 

“You said you only looked once,” Matteo said, confused. 

“I did but I looked thoroughly I wanted to be ready for you, you did all that research on trans stuff when I came out so you didn't say the wrong thing but also so you weren't going into this completely clueless you deserved the same from me,” David said. 

“But you didn't even definitely know?” 

“I didn’t but I figured some of it would still apply anyway,” David told him. 

“I guess. So what did you learn?” 

David remember spending hours on the internet searching for everything he could, ready for the day Matteo wanted to talk about this. It had been the middle of the night, somewhere in Southern France. Matteo finally calm and settled beside after he’d been stressing about their shirts. He’d learnt everything the stuff that fit, the stuff that didn’t and he was ready for this. This was Matteo’s journey and it was only just beginning. But David was gonna be there with him throughout, holding his hand, holding him tight.

“One thing that threw me and that's down to movie stereotypes is just how emotional you are because it didn’t tie in with what I already knew. But that's all bullshit, I learnt that quick. You are never going to be like a character on tv, you are you. There’s no one like you Matteo. And that’s a good thing I promise. You are incredibly emotional, that doesn’t invalidate you,” David assured him.

“Ok,” Matteo said, smiling to himself.

“So did you research this?” David asked.

“A bit,” Matteo said. 

“And?” 

“A lot of articles say that I shouldn't be emotional and I should lack empathy and not be able to connect with people,” Matteo said, frowning in confusion.

Because it just didn’t fit him. 

“Articles are bullshit, they are an example usually of a group selected to represent a view the author already had, I learnt to ignore them long ago. What did you find from other autistic people?” 

“Er…I read some people talking about their emotions and some people really don't feel it or can’t connect at all with people. But there are people like me too, like super emotional, I feel emotion too much I think and it’s why I get so overwhelmed by it,” Matteo said.

“I think you feel it more than me or Laura or Jonas,” David agreed, “and maybe that's what makes it autistic,” he suggested.

Matteo looked at him like something had clicked.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“No I think it's you that gets to decide that but can you explain it? How you feel?” David asked.

Matteo might not be able to make sense of it, might not be able to put it into words. But David wanted to know everything, wanted to know his mind even if it didn’t make any sense.

“It’s a lot, I don’t think I could ever put it into words but... ok you told Peter that I was really empathetic-”

David didn’t know if that was right but that was always how it seemed to him.

“I didn’t know how else to describe it,” he said.

“Yeah I don’t either... but I do want everyone around me to be happy. I hate when people are sad around me, it doesn’t necessarily make me sad, but it doesn’t feel good. Actually it feels really bad, like painful. Panicky and uncomfortable and then I start to feel bad too. If someone is sad I start to feel sad, even if I don’t know that they’re sad, I just… that makes no sense?”

“It does,” David promised.

“But it’s not so much with strangers, if I don’t know someone I can’t feel anything about them,” he said, “but if everyone around me is happy? That feels so good, it makes me feel so good, so I always want that, and when I realised I could make people happy, make them laugh it’s like I have to,” Matteo explained.

And David got it, making people happy made Matteo happy and wasn’t that a wonderful way to be?

“And I am really emotional but… I don’t know if it’s more, or I just can’t control it at all. Like I cry so easy because I just can’t stop myself, most people can hold back but I can’t. And I get so angry sometimes even when I'm not. I'm sad but I get angry instead because I can’t always understand what’s upsetting me or how to make it stop and I lose control and I yell. I yelled at you in the hospital and in the pool too, when you were fucking crying and I screamed at you because I thought you were leaving and I couldn’t bear it and I didn’t know how to make you stay, and I was desperate,” Matteo tried to explain.

And David had never been afraid, shocked at how loud he was but never afraid.

“And I screamed back it felt so good, so it was a good thing, in that moment it was what I needed,” David said.

“Oh and then there’s the opposite because sometimes it's so much I pretty much stop functioning for a while that’s usually when I'm confused or when I'm happy, it makes me go dumb,” Matteo said.

And David had seen that so much lately and if it was because he was happy then David was delighted.

“Yeah?” 

“Like remember when you told me you were trans?” Matteo asked.

He’d barely spoken but David had known he was processing. Yeah he obviously wanted Matteo to immediately say it didn’t make a difference. But he didn’t work like that, he took time over everything and it wasn’t just about him. He’d told him a big thing about himself and it would affect him. David had needed to give him the time to work out what that meant for him. But he’d always known he would come to him as soon as he understood. His faith had surprised him back then, but now he never questioned it. It was Matteo. 

“Yeah and I know it was a lot and you took your time but I knew you would I know you need more time to process,” David said.

To his surprise Matteo started to laugh, David pulled back from him so he could look at him. His favourite sight. 

"Yeah but it was your fault too," Matteo said, still smiling so wide at whatever he was remembering. 

"My fault?" David asked. 

"You told me you liked me, you said you really liked me," Matteo said. 

And David hadn't even realised he'd focus on that but of course he did. 

"Did that shut you down?" he asked. 

"It slowed things, like half my brain was like ok David is trans and you need to figure that out and what it means to you and how you can be a good boyfriend for him, but the other half of my brain was screaming David likes you and you love him and maybe he loves you and... and... and David said he likes you he likes you he likes you he said he really likes you, I couldn't focus at all, just sat there, it was so loud," he said, "I didn’t want you to leave but I was literally stuck. Although it was probably best. I think if you'd stayed I would have just sat staring at you for hours, but you would have known right? That it wasn't a bad stare?"

David laughed. 

"I would have known, but it wouldn't have stopped me dying. Do you have any idea what it does to me when you look at me like that? I feel like I'm going to combust," David said. 

It was always overwhelming in the best way, he didn't think he'd ever get used to it. Because that look was just for him. Always intense, always amazed at what he was seeing, and at the same time showing him everything, his entire heart in one look. 

Matteo just blushed. 

"You know I didn't even think of that, how it would affect you," David told him, kissing his cheeks and making them even warmer. 

"Yeah exactly, if you’d kept that to yourself I might have been able to call you by Tuesday," Matteo mumbled, grabbing his face for a proper kiss. 

David lost himself in it for a while until his mind was only Matteo. His every sense this beautiful boy of his. 

"Well I wanted you to know, I needed you to know," David said, pulling back to catch his breath. 

"I needed to know, it made me so happy. Once I'd gotten a handle on it then I spent the rest of the week going around telling everyone I was in love with you, you know how I like to do things out of order," Matteo said. 

"Yeah," David agreed. 

"First Hans in a roundabout way, then my mum, you eventually," he said. 

"Eventually," David teased. 

Everything was calm, Matteo had a lot to deal with ahead of him. So did he. But he wasn't scared. And he was no longer afraid for Matteo. He knew they would be absolutely fine. More than that they would be amazing.

"Everything’s going to be ok," he said. 

He didn’t think he'd ever been so sure of something, when it felt like so much was against them. But it would be. 

"Yeah I know," Matteo agreed, "I pushed back so hard against getting help and I think that’s probably because I've managed this mess for so long by myself. But even though today was a lot, and even though it was hard, David I feel so relieved. To hear that it should never have been this hard, even though we can’t go back and change it. To hear that of course it was a struggle for you to get through school, with every single fucking thing that was going on in your head and in your life, of course that was hard. And I've done well-"

"You’ve done so well," David said. 

He was so proud of him. 

"And I think I'm ready to think about the future now, I'm not so scared anymore," Matteo said, leaning against him. 

"Yeah?" 

"Did you know I can put on my application for school that I'm autistic even before I get diagnosed?" he asked. 

"I didn’t," David said. 

"Yeah Meyer will write a letter. And the university will provide me a support worker and exam help and all sorts of stuff to make it easier. And for my depression and anxiety too. They have to do everything they can to provide me with a safe environment to learn," Matteo told him. 

"Ok so you’re doing this then? What’s all this bullshit about you needing me to make decisions for you?" David demanded. 

Matteo forgot himself and shoved him hard but it didn't even hurt. David just shoved him back then climbed onto his lap pinning him to the sofa 

Matteo just blinked up at him. 

"Fuck off," he muttered, "but do you think I'm ready for next year?" 

"How do you feel?" David asked. 

"David." 

"I will tell you what I think but I need to know how you feel," David said. 

"Scared," Matteo said. 

"And?" 

"Excited, not for school… a bit for school but more that I've got an idea of what I want to do. David I want to help I want to support children and families, you were right, I want to be that person that I needed when I was a kid," Matteo said, smiling at the idea 

"And you want to get started on that as soon as possible?" David asked him. 

"Yeah," Matteo whispered. 

"There’s your answer," David said. 

"You’re so annoying," Matteo muttered. 

"I know. Almost as annoying as you," David countered, leaning down to kiss him before he could argue.

Everything was just falling into place, it was all going to work. He could see it now, Matteo coming home from school grumpy and tired but then talking for hours about his day. The cases he’d worked on, the people he’d met. And then he’d sit down to study and make David help him, keep him focused, like when they’d studied for resits. And David would have his own work to do, films to make, scripts to write. But he’d end up wasting time just watching Matteo as he settled down, went quiet and got into that calm focused space he usually only managed for cooking or video games, but could achieve if engaged enough. 

He was going to need a lot more sketchbooks.

* * *

####  **papa**

_Matteo (Wednesday, 19.15): I’m sorry_

_Matteo (19.16): I’m sorry I scared you_

_Matteo (19.18): I’ve calmed down_

_papa (19.21): Matteo what’s going on?_

_papa (19.22): I went to the doctors and I’m depressed and anxious_

_papa (19.24): Well that’s not the end of the world_

_papa (19.25): You can still be ok_

_Matteo (19.27): I’m autistic too_

_Matteo (19.29): But you already knew that right?_

_papa (19.33): Matteo_

_Matteo (19.35): You already fucking knew and you never took me to the doctors_

_papa (19.41): I didn’t want them to change you to try and fix you. Your teachers all talked about you like you were some kind of problem and that wasn’t the case at all you were so bright and happy and I didn't want them to take that from you, they wanted you quiet and well behaved_

_papa (19.45): I made a mistake_

_papa (19.47): I shouldn’t have done that_

_papa (19.50): I just wanted to take care of you myself_

_papa (19.52): but I didn’t_

_papa (19.55): I’m so sorry_

_Matteo (20.01): I thought it was because you didn’t want an autistic child_

_papa (20.02): no Matteo never! Never that, I honestly thought I was keeping you safer. I am so so sorry._

_Matteo (20.05): papa everything has been so hard for me for so long_

_Matteo (20.07): I’m exhausted_

_papa (20.08): Matteo are you by yourself?_

_Matteo (20.11): I’m fine I’m just tired but David is here_

_Matteo (20.13): Right now I’m a bit of a mess but I’m mostly relieved_

_Matteo (20.15): Because at least now I know what's going on with me_

_Matteo (20.17): I can be ok_

_papa (20.20): You can_

_papa (20.21): Matteo I’m sorry, I feel I let you down so much_

_Matteo (20.23): I know but I forgive you_

_Matteo (20.26): I want to come see you in Italy_

_papa (20.27): Really?_

_Matteo (20.29): yes, me and david, but I don’t want to see nonno_

_papa (20.35): he’s pretty old and harmless these days_

_Matteo (20.37): he hurt you when you were small, I never want to see him again_

_papa (20.41): ok ok I get it, we’ll rent an apartment_

_Matteo (20.45): ok_

_papa (20.47): I can’t wait to see you Matteo and meet David_

_Matteo (20.49): me too papa_

* * *

####  **FACTION WARS 2020 🏳🌈⚠⚔🤺🥳🌈**

_Tay (Thursday, 08.02): This is your twelve hour warning, you better all be up and baking. The first official Faction Wars commence at 20.00 so be ready_

_Tay (09.05): Bakers this is your eleven hour warning: get sieving! get mixing! get whisking!_

_Tay (10.03): Bakers this is your ten hour warning I hope your ovens are on your cakes are rising!_

* * *

####  **Laura**

_David (Thursday, 10.08): Guess what I’m doing today_

_Laura (10.15): What?_

_David (10.17): Baking cakes_

_Laura (10.19): Dear god I’ll call poison control_

_David (10.20): Oh fuck off_

_Laura (10.23): You happy David?_

_David (10.24): So happy Laura_

_David (10.25): Like so unbelievably happy_

_Laura (10.26) I’m so happy for you_

_Laura (10.27): You were so sad and angry and it was killing you_

_Laura (10.28): It’s so much better now_

_David (10.29): I love you Laura_

_David (10.31): Thank you so much for always being there_

_David (10.33): I don’t say it enough but I am so so grateful to you_

_Laura (10.35): I love you too David always_

_David (10.37): Are you coming on friday?_

_Laura (10.39): I don’t know I thought I’d’ finally got out of kids parties_

_David (10.41): Hans and Linn will be there_

_David (10.42): They're your age_

_David (10.43): You know old_

_Laura (10.44): Funny_

_Laura (10.45): But I’ll be there_

* * *

####  **FACTION WARS 2020 🏳🌈⚠⚔🤺🥳🌈**

_Tay (11.00): Bakers this is you nine hour warning, remember it’s the taking part that counts but not really because this is WAR!_

_Tay (12.01): Bakers this is your eight hour warning by now your cakes should have risen, your decorations colourful but make sure you don’t eat them this is a baking competition_

_Matteo (12.04): Tay seriously this isn’t bake off_

_Tay (12.05): We should do bake off_

_Tay (12.07): Too much baking?_

_Matteo (12.08): Way too much. Also if everyone is baking they can’t check their phones so maybe just a one hour warning_

_Tay (12.09): Fine be sensible. Everyone there are eight hours to go! Good luck and see you tonight!!!!_

_Tay (12.09): Don’t be late_

_Tay (12.11): By the way I’ve just decided I am the captain and you can be my lieutenant_

_Tay (12.12): So there’s going to need to be less backchat form you_

_Matteo (12.13): I’ve just decided I’m defecting_

_Tay (12.16): no fun_

* * *

David hated baking. It was stupid and he hated it. He was never doing this again and what's more his friendship with Tay was over. He couldn't continue it if this was to be a regular thing. He was standing in the middle of his new kitchen covered in flour and the stupid mixer kept cutting out. 

He wanted to win. He was competitive. He didn't want to lose. He hadn't cared at all until Tay had made it into a competition. But now it was war and he was going to lose because he couldn't get the damn mixer to work. 

He'd thought he was a sure win. That Matteo would help him and his cakes would be the best. And he had at first, talked him through it so patiently. But as soon as he'd started working on his own cakes David was forgotten and left to fend for himself. And that’s when it all started going wrong and he’d ended up with a bowl of brown mess. 

"What the fuck Matteo?" David demanded, as he finally looked over at Matteo. 

Matteo jumped so hard he knocked the spoon and the piping bag to the floor. He turned to David and stared, unsure why he was being yelled at. 

"What are those?" David demanded, pointing at the colourful rainbow mini cheesecakes in cupcake cases. David could see from the perfectly shaped one that Matteo was currently working on each layer was a different pastel colour, making up the rainbow. He was about to pipe on icing, again rainbow. 

Matteo just frowned and glanced at them then back to David. 

"Cupcakes?" he said innocently.

It was genuine too, he couldn’t see anything wrong with the fact he was cheating.

David stepped toward him, backing him against the counter. 

"Those are cheesecakes," David said. 

"No? I checked, cupcakes are just single serve cakes, this counts," he insisted. 

He'd looked it up. Because of course he had. David placed his hands on his waist and leant against him. Probably getting flour all over him. This boy was ridiculous and David loved him so much. 

He was going to win and he should. 

"Are you mad?" Matteo mumbled into his hair. 

"I was supposed to win," David whined against his chest.

"Oh, I don't care about that, you can have them. I just wanted cheesecake and with the colours pale like that I can eat them," Matteo said. 

David tilted his head up to kiss him. 

"What about the icing?" he asked. 

Matteo looked stunned for a second that he'd remembered. 

"I'm making some with and some without," he said. 

"You should win," David whispered against his lips. 

They tasted sweet because he always ate while he was cooking, why should baking be any different? Matteo sighed as he was pressed harder against the counter. 

"David," he warned. 

David pulled back and pressed his head against Matteo's chest, groaning in frustration. 

"Soon," he murmured. 

"Yeah but I'm telling you now we are never having sex in here, this is my kitchen David,” he said. 

David looked up at him in challenge, eyebrow raised. 

"It's for food," Matteo warned.

"You used to say that about the bathroom, 'no David it's for washing'," David teased, putting on a grossly exaggerated high pitch voice, "you soon changed your mind,” he added. 

"David you got into the shower with me, your t-shirt all stuck to you, all tight on your arms, water running all down your face, what the hell was I supposed to do?” Matteo demanded. 

David laughed. 

"You can't make kitchens sexy,” Matteo challenged.

"I reckon I can," David mumbled, kissing down his jaw.

Matteo shuddered at the attention.

“Probably,” he murmured.

“I’m gonna have you up on this counter in no time,” David insisted, pressing his hands into his waist, pushing him against the surface. The cakes were forgotten. David no longer cared about winning. He’d won everything he could’ve ever wanted.

“Don't push yourself I can wait,” Matteo said, pulling back to calm down. 

“I can't,” David whined. 

Matteo laughed.

“I know,” he said.

“Glad it amuses you,” David said.

“You are pretty tense,” Matteo observed, running his hands down David’s arms, over his stomach then up to his chest where he rested them gently.

“I need to get laid,” David whined, “it would probably help my recovery,” he suggested.

“Not a chance, it’s not even been three weeks yet,” Matteo said, he could pull off strict when he wanted to, “soon,” he promised but he was teasing him.

He was amused by all of this. Almost as if he couldn’t quite believe David wanted him so badly. 

David flipped him off but allowed Matteo to pull him close again.

“I'll help you with your cakes now, I'm nearly done,” he offered.

“Ok,” David mumbled, he didn’t care about the cakes anymore. 

“They'll do really well I promise,” Matteo said.

He was so sweet but his mixture was already a disaster. 

“Ok but the mixer’s broken,” David said, scowling at the stupid thing that had defeated him.

“Yeah? Ok we'll use a spoon,” Matteo said, reaching for a wooden spoon and bopping him on the nose.

David just stared then glared at him when he started to laugh. 

He ran his hand through the icing that was all over the counter then rubbed it over Matteo's face. 

Matteo blinked, dazed. Then reacting quicker than David had seen, not even thinking about it Matteo grabbed the bag of flour and dumped it on his head. 

David screeched and pulled back, grabbing his stupid cake mix and flinging it at him. Matteo stood there covered in it and began to laugh.

He laughed so hard, tears running down his face.

David put the bowl down and stared.

“It doesn’t matter,” Matteo whispered, eyes shining.

“It doesn’t?”

“The mess,” Matteo said.

He gestured around the kitchen, everything was covered in colour, and icing and flour. It was a pigsty. It would take Matteo all day to clean it tomorrow. David would help him as much as he’d let him. But it didn't matter. Matteo was right.

“It’s ours,” Matteo said so quietly.

And David just knew that right now Matteo felt safe, safer than he’d felt in years. He was home.

David just pulled him close and leant against him, laughing and shaking with him. Their mess, their kitchen, their home.

* * *

  
**Schreibner is a third wheel**

_Leonie (Thursday, 15.15): Just FYI me and Sara have been baking all day_

_Leonie (15.15): We have made the best pink cupcakes you have ever seen_

_Leonie (15.16): They are beautiful and delicious_

_Leonie (15.17): Have you even made anything?_

_Leonie (15.18): You are absolutely going to lose by the way_

_Leonie (15.19): We have you beat_

_Sara (15.21): Just to be clear Leonie barely helped_

_Leonie (15.22): Hey I tried_

_Leonie (15.25): Sara wouldn’t let me, kept shoving me out of the kitchen_

_Leonie (15.26): Super competitive_

_David (15.30): You know what you’ll probably beat me_

_David (15.31): But there’s no way you’re beating Matteo_

_David (15.32): You should see what he’d made_

_David (15.33): He was only supposed to help me and I turn around and he’s made the fanciest looking mini cheesecakes you’ve ever seen_

_Sara (15.35): What_

_Leonie (15.36): That’s cheating_

_Leonie (15.38): The rules are cupcakes_

_David (15.39): Nope he looked it up in the dictionary, sent it to Tay and got confirmation_

_David (15.40): It’s fine apparently_

_Leonie (15.42): Oh so now there are no rules_

_Leonie (15.43): He always gets away with whatever he wants_

_David (15.47): Yeah_

_David (15.48): But they are really good_

_Sara (15.50): Dammit_

_Sara (15.50): I wanted to win_

_Leonie (15.51): You might still win_

_David (15.52): Not a chance_

_Leonie (15.53): You don’t get to take credit Schreibner_

_David (15.54): Yeah because I invited him_

_Leonie (15.56): Nope_

_Leonie (15.57): Out of all of us you are the loser_

_David (15.59): Well so are you if Sara made all your cakes_

_Leonie (16.04): No_

_Sara (16.06): Sorry babe he has a point_

_David (16.07): At least I made cakes_

_Leonie (16.10): Cakes or murder weapons_

_David (16.11): Fuck you_

_Sara (16.15): You’re both so competitive_

_Leonie (16.18): Says you kicking me out of my own kitchen_

_Sara (16.20): True_

_David (16.23): We’re all competitive_

_Leonie (16.25): And then there’s Matteo who probably doesn’t care but is actually going to win_

_Sara (16.26): Yeah because he cheated_

_Leonie (16.27): He would have won with regular cupcakes_

_Leonie (16.28): Him and his mum made me a birthday cake one year_

_Leonie (16.29): It was beautiful I was really into fairies and they made it a whole woodland scene_

_Leonie (16.31): He actually helped properly his mum said_

_David (16.33): How old were you_

_Leonie (16.35): Like six or seven? Back when things were ok at home for him_

_Leonie (16.36): I have photos somewhere_

_Leonie (16.38): I remember my friend Nina crying she was so jealous_

_David (16.38): I bet you loved that_

_Leonie (16.41): I did_

* * *

When they walked into the room set out for them in the student union David had to immediately grab Matteo to stop him walking back out. There were a lot more people than last time. The room was absolutely packed. David was tempted to walk out himself. They were pretty late so they’d missed most of the theatrics and everyone was already hanging out. It was a lot more raucous than last time. A lot more people running around, shouting and yelling across the room. Obviously people were drawn in by the idea of a competition.

“Just a couple of hours yeah? I wanna see Leonie’s face when you win,” David said.

“I’m not going up on any stage,” Matteo muttered.

David knew he was thinking of the abiball and he remembered what Chloe had said earlier in the year. Back when he was adamant he wouldn’t be coming back.

“Matteo there's a formal in the summer will you come?” David asked as they walked over to the table, David smiling at everyone he recognised.

Matteo was ignoring everyone.

But he was pretty focused on carrying his box of cupcakes. David guided him to the table with his free hand on his back.

“No,” Matteo said, putting down the box and opening it. 

“Please Matteo,” David said, he wanted to go, he wanted to dress up.

He wanted Matteo to dress up and he wanted them to dance all night, with all his friends and all these people.

Matteo glanced up at him, frowning.

“Formal?”

“Like a ball? You’d have to dress up,” he told him.

“Can I wear what I wore to abiball?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah,” David said, he was unlikely to get him in anything fancier, “maybe a jacket?” he tried.

Matteo gave him a pointed look.

“C’mon you’ll look hot,” David said.

Matteo frowned for a second then nodded as he decided something.

“You’re going to get something bright and ridiculous aren’t you?”

“Something garish,” Matteo decided, “yellow or something, you said summer,” he said.

David just grinned at his ridiculous boyfriend, he looked good whatever he wore. Even some of the peculiar combos he dressed up, which should look odd, only served to make him look cuter. There was a possibility he was blinded by love but he didn’t much care. His boyfriend was adorable there was no arguing that.

“Are you going to get a new suit?” Matteo asked, displaying his cakes so proudly.

“Yeah I think so, something a bit sexy,” David said.

Something sharp and black, tailored and tight fitting. Because why not?

“Anything you wear is sexy,” Matteo mumbled, putting the empty box under the table and taking David’s from his hands and starting to unpack them

They’d turned out pretty well once Matteo had deigned to help him. Plain golden cupcakes iced with some colourful icing Matteo had showed him how to make. Then kindly informed him that the pink blue and white ones looked like they were topped with toothpaste, which had led to more food fighting.

The pink, yellow, and blue ones looked cool though. 

He arranged them neatly as he could and grabbed a form for him and one for Matteo. He filled them both out then placed Matteo’s in front of his ridiculously fancy cupcakes. He was surprised Matteo didn’t have a cake stand to display them properly.

“Won’t they melt?” David asked.

He’d set them in the fridge, but it was warm in here.

“No? It’s only a couple of hours and they won’t melt,” Matteo insisted.

“If you say so,” David said.

“Oh Matteo are these yours?” Tay asked as they approached the table.

“They could have been mine,” David said.

“Nope. I love these though,” they said, pointing at David’s cakes, “looks like you squeezed a tube of Colgate over them,” they said.

David resisted the urge to shove a cupcake in their face.

“Fuck off Tay,” David muttered, “and you,” he warned Matteo who was just giggling beside him.

“Cheesecake is genius Matteo,” Tay said.

“I just like it and the colours aren’t too bright,” he said, “so can we play video games now?” he asked.

David looked between the pair of them.

“What?” he asked.

“Tay promised me secrets and video games,” Matteo said.

“Did they now?” David asked.

Tay nodded.

“Yeah go socialise I’m fine,” Matteo said.

David hesitated.

“We’ll be fine David, go socialise,” Tay said, pulling Matteo away.

David watched them head over to the corner and sit down at the console, setting it up. What happened to Tay being his best friend? 

But then he watched a couple of other guys go over and join them. He smiled as they all started to play Mario Kart together.

“Where is- oh the cheesecakes!” Sara exclaimed, “oh I love them. He put them in cupcake cases!” she said, picking one up and inspecting it.

“It’s cheating,” Leonie said but she looked impressed.

“They’ll win. Klint, Sasha, and Nina are judging, they’ll like how original they are,” Lucy said as she approached them, nodding to the cheesecakes, and putting down her own pink cupcakes, “these are pink velvet,” she told him.

They looked really good, iced with pale pink and lilac. Presented perfectly. He should’ve known she was secretly good at this.

“Those yours?” she asked, pointing out his cakes.

“Yeah,” David said, waiting for the teasing.

“Good attempt,” she said, “Looks like toothpaste,” she added.

“Look I didn’t choose the colours of the damn flag,” David muttered.

“There’s flour in your hair by the way,” Sara said, reaching out and trying to brush it out of her hair.

He batted her hands away.

“I’m very much aware of that, thank you,” he said.

“You know it’s supposed to go in the bowl right?” Leonie asked.

“Makes you look old,” Lucy said.

“You know what? You and Leonie are the meanest people I know,” he said.

“At no point have I ever said I was nice,” Lucy reminded him.

“Very true,” he agreed.

They all grabbed a tray, piled it up with cakes and went over to the sofas to sit down. David noted that they all took some of his cakes, so that was a win.

“Are you coming to the party tomorrow Lucy?” Leonie asked.

“Maybe, I’m not big on parties, even this is a push for me,” she said.

“There won’t be this many people,” David assured her.

“Yeah but isn’t your apartment like a shoebox?”

“It is,” Leonie said, grabbing his wrist when he reached out to hit her, “but it is really nice,” she conceded.

“David these are good,” Sara said.

David scowled.

“Don’t sound so surprised,” he said.

“Did Matteo help you?” Sara asked.

“No he did not,” David said.

Which was true, Matteo had been too busy with the cheesecakes to help him.

Leonie raised an eyebrow

“He helped me make the icing and he told me how much stuff to use but that was it,” David said.

“Then well done,” Leonie said.

He grinned and took one of Lucy's cakes from the tray.

“You might win best effort,” Lucy suggested.

Leonie and Sara both started laughing.

“That better not be a prize,'' David said.

“God imagine a little trophy with _you tried_ on it,” Leonie said, through her laughter.

“He did try though,” Sara teased.

“You said they were good,” David muttered.

He had the meanest friends ever.

“They’re average,” Leonie said.

Lucy sighed.

“I think I will come to the party just for a bit,” she said.

“Oh yeah it’s not going on all night, and I don’t want a mess to clean up,” he said.

Now it was his own place he understood why hosts got stressed about keeping the guests under control.

“Oh you clean now?” Leonie asked.

“I cleaned before but… I can't help as much right now and that’s not fair,” he told her.

She nodded.

“Fair enough,” she said.

“But I have an appointment with the physio tomorrow,” he told them.

Lucy turned to him.

“How are you feeling about that?” she asked.

“Nervous,” he admitted.

“How come?” Leonie asked.

He was just a bit scared that he wasn’t on track with his progress, after those first few days. He knew he was being irrational.

“Like I feel I’m healing well but what if I’m not, like what if I should be doing more by now and-” 

“You’re so not used to resting huh?” Lucy asked.

“Not at all I remember I got the flu one year, I was maybe fourteen and I still tried to drag myself to school,” he admitted.

“Stupid boy,” Leonie said, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah it was my mum that kept me home, took care of me. It’s so weird, every now and then I’ll remember these odd occasions where she was like a normal mum,” he said.

“Not many people are horrible all the time,” Lucy said.

And she was right, he could remember more than one occasion where she was good to him. Several in fact. It didn’t make up for the awful things but it made it harder to hate her.

“Yeah and… ok she is obviously very problematic but… what are some other times?” Sara asked.

“When I broke my arm,” he said, “one time I’d had a terrible day at school and she wasn’t nice, and she still thought I'd brought it on myself but she did tell me to fight back? And when we moved to the city and I was a bit nervous, she was really reassuring, she was nervous too I think,” he said.

When they’d first moved there she’d stayed inside for weeks, not speaking to his father, just him and Laura. He wasn’t sure why she’d been so afraid. She told him later she was scared she would run into her parents.

“That's so weird,” Leonie said.

“It's almost like that's her normal behaviour and she's trying to hide it,” Lucy said.

That’s what he’d been suspicious of for a while now.

“I think she always thought we would leave her, so she never let us close. She’s so incredibly insecure, it absolutely isn’t an excuse but I don’t think she ever hated me, she’s just all twisted,” he said.

“That’s kinda sad though,” Sara said.

“Her parents were bad?” Lucy asked.

David nodded.

“Yeah I’ve never met them. Racist apparently, when she dated my dad they kicked her out. She hasn’t seen them in years, so they can’t be good people, I think part of the problem is she lost a lot for my dad, and it made her lash out, made her cruel,” David said.

“You’re going to give her a chance?” Leonie asked.

He was.

And he wanted to. And it was his choice. There was no right decision here. But he wanted to try.

“Yeah. We’re never going to be best friends, but I’m not going to cut her out. I’m putting myself first, but despite everything, despite myself I do still love her and I don’t want to lose her,” he said.

“That’s fair,” Sara said.

“And maybe as an adult we’ll get on better I don’t know, it’s weird we’re really similar,” he said.

He’d always hated that when he was younger. The similarities between the two of them were so obvious to him and he desperately didn’t want to be anything like her.

“Yeah?” Leonie asked.

“Yeah because I genuinely don’t believe she’s this evil bitch, it’s all a terrible, horrible front. She doesn’t agree with me being trans but that’s not that unusual a reaction, what I expect from people is for them to learn why that is the wrong idea to have and change and grow, and understand. She refused to do that, but in trying so hard not to accept me, she kinda has anyway,” he said.

He didn’t know if he’d be able to explain it but he knew it was true.

“What?” Lucy asked.

“It’s so complicated, my dad accepted me straight away, but then he always let me do whatever I wanted, always,” David said.

Leonie frowned. 

“Ok?”

“So I told him and he was just ok with it, but almost to the point of not caring. Mum never accepted it until now but she would argue with me, fight with me on it all the time, at least she would engage. And the thing is now she’s trying, she does remember every fight we had, everything I told her to try and get her to understand, she listened to me,” he said.

It was stupid but he really did feel better about her listening and arguing with him, than his dad just trying to ignore the problem. Because at least she seemed to care. For entirely the wrong reasons but she did.

“Wow,” Lucy said.

“It doesn't make up for anything,” he stressed, he may feel that she cared but it wasn’t enough at all.

The way she’d treated him was abhorrent and it was going to take a long time before he trusted her again. But he was willing to give her a chance, to see if she really could change.

“She’s going to try and I accept that, I believe her when she says she loves me, and I believe her when she says she’ll try and if she doesn’t then that’s on her not me, because I deserve her love. There’s nothing wrong with me,” he said.

“Absolutely,” Leonie agreed.

“My parents were more like your dad,” Sara said, “When I told them about Leonie.”

“It's not a good feeling is it?” David asked her.

“No. I get it they’ve got a lot going on, but I’d like them to show a little more interest,”

David knew Sara’s parents were struggling at the moment, but they should still make time for her. Just because she was an adult didn’t mean she didn’t need them.

They all looked to Leonie.

She just shrugged.

“Her parents were delighted,” Sara told them gleefully.

“Yeah?” Lucy asked.

“Banners, balloons and rainbow flags everywhere,” Leonie muttered, “It was awful but I am grateful,” she said.

“It’s weird though, that your parents are like the sweetest people on earth and you and your brother are like-”

“Think carefully before you finish that sentence,” Leonie warned.

“Well Lasse is a drug dealer and you are so tough and no nonsense,” Sara continued.

They all knew that wasn’t quite true though.

“The tough thing is a front though,” Lucy said.

“It was so you wouldn’t see and then I started doing around everyone," Leonie said.

“You gotta be careful with that,” David warned.

“Yeah, I know. Also Lasse is like super straight laced now. He got arrested last year, they let him go but it shook him up,” she said.

“Must be nice to be white,” David said.

Lucy burst out laughing at that.

“My super chill parents did almost murder him though,” Leonie said.

He rolled his eyes, that was so besides the point. But at least he’d learnt his lesson from it David supposed.

He wasn’t jealous, he noticed. Usually he got jealous when people had good accepting parents, bitter about his own situation. But Leonie’s parents were lovely and he was just happy for her. That she got this acceptance. 

He really was growing. 

David found himself drifting back to Matteo and Tay in the corner. They were collapsed on beanbag chairs, Tay talking, Matteo focused on the screen. It was just the two of them now.

They were still on Mario Kart.

“Hey,” David said, “not socialising?” he asked Tay.

“Promised Matteo we’d hang out,” Tay said.

Matteo didn’t say anything but he lifted his arms so that David could settle against him. Then lowered them around him, controller still in hand, not even stopping the race for a second.

“Your cupcakes are really-”

“You’re interrupting,” Matteo said.

David looked up at him, then at Tay who grinned and shrugged. 

“You weren’t even saying anything,” David said, but he leant up and pressed a kiss to Matteo’s jaw.

“Tay is talking, they're taking their time to explain and they can’t focus on Mario and talking at the same time,” Matteo explained.

“Neither can you,” David said.

“I'm not talking, I'm listening. I can do both,” Matteo said.

“Explain what?” David asked, rather than get into it and start bickering with him.

“Niklas,” Matteo said.

“Oh the big secrets, why are you telling Matteo?” David asked.

“You’re always raving about what a good listener he is,” Tay said, “plus he asked.”

“He is a good listener, gives good advice,” David said.

“Your hair is grey by the way,” Tay observed.

“Matteo dumped a kilo of flour in it,” David told him.

“How rude,” Tay said laughing.

“I know,” David agreed.

“And you decided against washing it out because?”

“I couldn’t be bothered showering?” David said.

It was such a fuss, getting changed washing his hair, he was tired from baking too, so why bother?

“We tried to vacuum it,” Matteo said.

Tay almost dropped their controller, they rolled off the beanbag chair in hysterics.

“You what?”

“Look it wasn’t that bad an idea. My hair is curly, it all sticks, it’s alright for him he just has to shake it out,” David said.

His mum had done the same when he was a kid. When his hair was even wilder and curlier and for some reason he thought it was a good idea to put a ton of sand in it. He was pretty sure that was because she didn't want sand in her pristine bathroom though. 

“Niklas,” Matteo muttered.

“Ok where was I?” Tay asked.

“Literally nowhere,” Matteo said.

“Don’t be rude,” Tay said, grinning at David.

They’d given up on the race now.

“You said that you used to date but you broke up because neither of you were in a good place, you were both struggling with depression, plus teenage shit, and it was putting a strain on your relationship and you realised if you didn’t change something you were going to lose your friendship too, but you weren’t strong enough to have a relationship and neither was he and so you had a talk and then David came,” Matteo said.

David glanced at Tay who was staring now.

“That about right?” he asked.

“Pretty much,” Tay said.

“What was the talk?” Matteo asked.

“I just went over and I said ‘Nik I don’t think I can do this anymore’ and he was so relieved. We were both so relieved because we were hurting each other, going back to being friends was just so easy, honestly it was like nothing had changed,” Tay said.

“Nik is older, yes?” David asked, remembering Tay informing him how old and wise Nik was.

“Yes only two years but he’s way ahead in school stuff,” Tay said.

“Even though he's depressed?” Matteo asked quietly.

“Yeah he’s ok now, we both are Matteo,” Tay said gently, “it’s not always forever,” they said.

David ran his fingers along Matteo's arm.

“Ok but how long ago was this?” he asked.

“Four years,” Tay said.

“Wow,” David said.

That was a heavy thing to go through at seventeen.

“And in the meantime?” Matteo asked, leaning forward as he focused and pushing David forward too.

“We stayed friends,” Tay said.

“And then you kissed him,” Matteo said.

“Then I kissed him,” Tay agreed.

“You’ve spoken to him?” David asked.

“Yeah, after we talked I went over and we talked all day, and all night,” Tay said.

“What did he say?” Matteo asked.

“Nothing has to change unless I want it too, but he’d really like to try again and that it would be better this time, but that ultimately over everything else, I would always be his best friend,” Tay said, sighing heavily. 

“And you, what did you say?” Matteo asked.

“I said I wanted it too but I’m stupidly scared of fucking up, and could I have a bit more time?”

“You panicked,” Matteo said, putting down the controller and turning both of them to face Tay.

“Yeah, it was so stupid I want this more than anything and now he’s giving me time and I don't want time and now I have to wait,” Tay whined.

“No,” Matteo said.

“Yeah because he’ll think I’m being hot and cold,” Tay said.

Matteo was getting frustrated now, David could feel it in the way he was shifting about behind him.

“No he’ll think you’re scared. Just tell him you don’t want to wait, just tell him,” Matteo insisted.

“But I am scared,” Tay said.

“Tay,” Matteo said so gently, “the circumstances were not your fault, you won't repeat it. What you did was smart, it was the right decision then. Is Niklas scared too?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Tay said.

“But he loves you, you're better off being scared together and working it out together than being scared and miserable alone. And that's irrelevant anyway because at this point you're already dating anyway really. You communicate so well don’t ruin it now by overthinking. I know it’s not easy but remember Niklas is the guy you trust most right?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Tay said, smiling up at them both from where they were still laying on the floor.

“Then talk to him,” Matteo said.

And that was obviously Matteo's final thought on the matter, his focus switching back to the console in front of him.

“It’ll work out,” David said.

“Yeah I know, and I’m in such a good place now, I bet you wouldn’t believe that this time two years ago I couldn't even get out of bed,” they said.

That got Matteo’s full attention, he put the controller down again.

“Really?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Tay said.

“And Niklas saw that?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah,” Tay said, frowning.

“And you saw him similar?”

“Yeah,” Tay said.

“Yeah you’ll be fine,” Matteo said.

Tay just laughed, happy at his faith in them.

“Words of wisdom,” they said.

“He’s seen you at your lowest, a time when you were at your worst and he still loves you, he’s not going anywhere. I know that’s hard to believe, but I’ve not just pulled that out of nowhere, that's what Lea said to me last week,” Matteo said.

“About me?” David asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Did you believe her?” David asked hopefully.

“No.”

“No?” 

“But… I believe you,” Matteo said.

“God I’m gonna talk to him. I want this,” Tay said, gesturing between them, “I have this now but I want to take that last step, I want it,” they said.,

“It’ll be you and Niklas moving in together next then,” Matteo said.

Tay just smiled finally sitting up.

“God I’d love that,” they said.

“You're not even scared, really, just comfortable where you are. Sometimes it's good to shake that up,” David said.

“Yeah I’m going to be fine,” Tay said.

“Did you ever think you had a future like this?” David asked.

“No,” Tay said, understanding exactly what he meant.

“Me neither,” David said.

“Matteo?” Tay asked.

“No,” he whispered.

“And now look at us. I’m going to be the head of the society at this rate, David’s going to make a movie, and you Matteo?”

“I applied for a social work course the other day so I might be starting next year,” Matteo told them.

“Main campus?” Tay asked

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“We can hang out all the time. I’ll show you around and show you the ropes. I’ll take care of you, don't worry,” Tay promised.

Matteo smiled. David knew he was excited about school, nervous but excited.

“Are you gonna stay in the society?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged.

“You said you weren't going to and look at you now,” Tay said.

“I’m glad I stayed. This and football it’s done me so much good,” David said.

“Yeah Matteo so you should stay, look how much good it’s done David,” Tay said.

“And I was thinking you should probably join the green society or something,” David suggested.

“Why?”

“Because you’re interested in that,” David said.

He felt Matteo shrug behind him.

“Oh nice,” Tay said, “I know a couple of guys in envirosoc, that’s the one you mean yeah?” they asked.

“Yeah Matteo’s into that,” David said.

Obviously they all were but he’d noticed that it was one of the few things Matteo could get quite vocal about. He thought it would be a good fit for him.

“How come?” Tay asked.

“Wanted Jonas to think I was cool,” Matteo said.

David smiled.

“And then it stuck?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“He plants flowers for bees,” David told Tay.

Their eyes widened.

“That is so cute,” they said.

They were interrupted by a girl who came up and whispered something in their ear.

“Time for the announcements,” Tay said, standing up.

“Fancy ceremony?” David asked.

“Of course,” they said, but they winked.

David raised an eyebrow.

Tay just smiled and bounced off to the centre of the room.

“Can we go?” Matteo said suddenly.

“Why?” David teased, not letting him up.

“I can’t go up there, there’s over a hundred people in here,” he said. 

“Confident you've won?” David said.

“No just…”

David turned around in his lap and smiled.

“Thank you everyone for attending the first Faction Wars Cupcake Battle. Everyone has done so well and it was very hard for our judges to make a choice. But they’ve made their judgement and it’s final, so I’ll announce the winners and let you all get back to the cake and socialising. Without further ado, in third place Lucy, with her traditional and beautifully presented cupcakes, well done,” Tay said, waving over at Lucy who was hiding behind Sara now.

Everyone clapped.

“In a shocking second place because I've never seen you once step foot in a kitchen, it’s Tia, with her glitterbomb cupcakes,” Tay called out.

Tia stood up and bowed, everyone cheering her on.

“And a newcomer tonight winning the first Cupcake Battle with their unusual and bold take on the definition of the word cupcake, Matteo!” Tay yelled.

Matteo sank further and further into the bean bag chair, hidden from almost every one by David.

Everyone clapped and cheered anyway.

“Well done everyone,” Tay said, “you all did really well.”

David turned to Matteo.

“Well done,” he said.

“I don’t have to go up?” Matteo asked.

“No there's no prize just the points, plus Tay gets it, a lot of the people here are shy, not confident, you know? Not a fan of attention, it’s important to them that everyone feels comfortable,” David explained.

“Is that why they spent all evening with me?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah, so that you’d want to come back,” David said, “will you?”

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“Cool, want to go home?” David asked.

“No, I’m having fun, I feel safe here, everyone is really nice,” Matteo said.

“Oh?”

He didn’t seem like he was having fun, David hadn’t even realised he’d spoken to anyone.

“I know it doesn't seem like it but I am, while you were chatting with Leonie, so many people came up to say hi to Tay because it’s Tay. But they said hello to me too and they were nice and friendly but didn’t push to be chatty. It was like they were welcoming me, like even though I’m not in a chatty mood I’m welcome here and if I did want to chat I could,” Matteo explained.

David reached out and looped his arms around Matteo’s neck.

“It’s a place to belong,” David said, pressing a few gentle kisses to his lips.

“Yeah it was similar at brunch too,” Matteo said.

“Marginalised groups sticking together,” David said.

“Yeah like I love all our friends don’t get me wrong but this is different,” Matteo said.

David nodded, he knew exactly what he meant.

“These people get you,” he said, “I get that. I never thought I needed it but I do. I used to think I was above all this.”

“Me too, I upset Hans once because I was so dismissive and rude. I was mean I think. I just wanted to be normal, and being gay was just another thing that made me different,” Matteo said.

“Yeah I know exactly what you mean,” David said, “well done for winning,” he said.

“It was just cheesecake,” Matteo said.

“They were really cute though, you deserved to win,” David said.

“Cool. Sorry I’m not chatty today,” Matteo said.

“I would happily sit with you in silence, you're my favourite company,” David said, kissing the tip of his nose.

Matteo just smiled at that, cheeks going red.

How many times had he just sat there in his room with Matteo, not talking, just completely comfortable in each others company. David, usually drawing, Matteo playing some game on his phone. They didn’t always need to talk. As long as they were together David was happy.

* * *

####  **FACTION WARS 2020 🏳🌈⚠⚔🤺🥳🌈**

_Tay (Thursday, 22.37): So for those of you who couldn’t attend the winners were Lucy in third place, Tia in second and Matteo in first. The cakes were all epic though and all of you contributed to your factions but unfortunately I can’t tell you the results because it’s just saying hashtag value_

_Matteo (22.39): Jfc_

_Matteo (22.41): Did you copy the numbers?_

_Tay (22.43): Yep emailed them from my phone_

_Matteo (22.45): Type them in_

_Tay (23.11): Oh it worked_

_Tay (23.15): Ok oooh interesting it really worked Matteo you have to explain this to me again this is really smart_

_Tay (23.16): Even though Matteo won team gay did not_

_Matteo (23.17): Are they teams or factions?_

_Tay (23.18): Factions_

_Tay (23.20): In fifth place was the pan faction_

_Tay (23.21): In fourth was the faction of the bisexuals_

_Tay (23.22): Then in joint third was the ace faction and the trans faction_

_Tay (23.25): Second was faction of the gays_

_Matteo (23.26): Christ_

_Matteo (23.26): How about guild of gays_

_Tay (23.27): OMG_

_Tay (23.28): Omg Matteo!!!_

_Tay (23.29): Guild of gays legion of lesbians_

_Matteo (23.30): Band of bisexuals_

_Tay (23.31): Genius do some more_

_Matteo (23.34): Tribe of trans?_

_Tay (23.36): You play way too many video games_

_Matteo (23.37): I read a lot of fantasy as a kid_

_Tay (23.40): Army of aces?_

_Matteo (23.42): Good but we’re off track and you forgot to do first place_

_Tay (23.43): Oh! The winners were the LEGION OF LESBIANS_

_Tay (23.46): Well done all, the next battle will be announced in due course._

_Tay (23.53): Party of pans_

_Matteo (23.54): Go to bed_

* * *

####  **dad**

_Dad (Friday, 08.13): Doing ok David?_

_David (08.19): Going for physio_

_David (08.21): Then an appointment with Dr Straken_

_David (08.22): See how I’m doing_

_Dad (08.23): I’m sure you’ll be fine but good luck_

_Dad (08.24): I hate seeing the doctor_

_Dad (08.25): Haven’t been in years_

_David (08.26): You probably should you're pretty old_

_Dad (08.28): Funny_

_Dad (08.31): You’re probably right though I’ll look into that_

_Dad (08.33): How's the apartment_

_David (08.35): Good_

_David (08.37): Having a housewarming party tonight_

_Dad (08.40): That’s nice_

_Dad (08.41): Have fun_

_David (08.45): You can keep messaging me_

_David (08.47): I don’t mind_

_David (08.49): I’ll ignore you if I need to_

_David (08.52): But I don’t mind it that much_

_Dad (08.55): Thank you David that means so much to me_

_Dad (08.59): Good luck with the doctor_

_Dad (09.02): And have fun tonight_

_David (09.05): Accept that you're old and go see a doctor too_

_Dad (09.07): My son is so rude what happened to the nice polite boy I used to know_

_David (09.10): Who the hell was that?_

_Dad (09.12): You were nice and polite between the ages of two and five_

_David (09.13): That sounds like a lie_

_David (09.15): Going in now talk later_

* * *

David hated his physiotherapist he decided. Daniel he was called. An awful man. Pure evil. He’d stretched, poked, pushed, and prodded David to the end of his patience. Inspected his chest muscles, his scars, his arms. Essentially working out his limits and seeing how he was healing, how strong he was. But god was it painful. And now everything hurt.

Then he’d given David two little two and a half kilo wrist weights to build up his strength. Two and half kilos. Daniel had struggled not to laugh when David had pointed out he could lift forty to fifty in the gym on a normal day. Then he’d strapped them to his wrists and made David holdout his arms in front of him. A minute he’d managed, and that was out of stubbornness more than anything. Daniel hadn’t laughed at him though, just removed them when he saw that he was going to push himself and reminded him he still needed to take it easy.

He was ok David supposed. Not evil, that was a bit strong. Annoying though. And he did seem to get it, how eager David was to get started again. 

So he had his outlook. He was absolutely forbidden from lifting anything more than the weight of his own arms above shoulder height, either in front of him or to his side. That was for the next three months. But he could build up with low lifts, starting with the wrist weights and moving to dumbbells, light ones, as he got stronger. 

He was told to judge it himself and be sensible, if it hurt stop. He appreciated that. The control, the reminder that he knew his own body. He had weights back at the apartment, he was going to start there and build up, rather the weights at the gym. He couldn’t go in there again and be seen lifting tiny weights.

But he could do as much gentle cardio as he liked, walking for now, small amounts of running in intervals, in a month and a half. Again his place to judge. But he had a nice chart to take home with him, a week by week outline of exercises and stretches to introduce.

Right now all he was really allowed to do was walk and use the bikes at the gym.

Swimming would be two to three months, as would football and that was just practice, four to five months for a game, because of the contact risk.

But in eight months he should be back to where he was before the surgery.

A couple of weeks ago that would have felt like a lifetime stretching ahead of him. If he’d heard that while he was hiding it would have sent him further into a spiral. He wanted everything fast and his recovery felt like a long difficult road ahead of him. 

But that really felt like it had passed for now and even if it came back it would pass again. It was ok. These things weren’t instant and accepted that now. Eight months was nothing in the grand scheme of things, within the future expanding ahead of him it was just a moment. His life was already good exactly as it was. He was excited now to make each step in this journey. See the changes in his strength and his body.

Now he was currently sitting with Dr Straken in her office, shirt in his hand. She’d just examined him and taken photos.

“You can put your shirt back on now David, I think I have enough photos,” she said, smiling at him.

He’d been posing a bit.

“Are you sure?” he joked, carefully shrugging on the shirt and buttoning it.

“Don’t be cheeky,” she warned, turning to face him, “so how do you feel about the results?”

“Really pleased, I’m so happy, it’s really everything I wanted,” he said, “I had a bit of a dip in my mood when I first came out of the hospital,” he admitted.

“Yes I’m not surprised, from the way you responded I think you are quite sensitive to the anaesthetic which doesn’t help, plus the painkillers, the lack of testosterone, your mood must have been a mess,” she said.

And that made a lot of sense but it was life factors too. Essentially everything had happened to him in a short space of time and he’d been tough for so long. Pretended he didn't care for years. Of course it all hit when his guard was down.

“Yeah, plus things weren’t exactly stable for me emotionally and with stuff in my life. Parent stress, my mum disagreeing with all of this. Plus I’m not good at letting people help me, it was hard for me to let them help, to believe they wanted to help,” David said.

“Of course,” she said, nodding thoughtfully.

“But I’m seeing Nadine,” he told her.

“Excellent, she’s very good,” she said.

“Yeah she is, she’s helping and I feel better already, just telling her everything. And even before that I started to feel a bit better. I still get down sometimes but I’ve been ok the past few days,” he said.

He felt good, calm.

She smiled.

“I’m glad to hear it,” she said.

“But I love it. My friends and my boyfriend keep joking that I’m vain now but I just can’t stop looking,” said.

“You’ve gone a long time not looking?”

“Yeah years,” he said.

Several times Matteo had walked into the apartment and found him in front of the mirror, either topless or in one of his new shirts. He just smiled and carried on as if it were normal to find him like that.

“Then what’s the harm? You can look now David, as much as you,” she insisted.

He could look now. It had been a long time since he could look.

“You’ve done a really good job,” he said.

“I know, some of my finest work I think,” she agreed.

David raised an eyebrow.

“What? You don’t get to where I am now by being modest David,” she said.

God she was fantastic.

“I bet you were ruthless,” he said.

“I still am or so I’m told,” she said.

“I’m glad you were my surgeon. More than just the actual surgery, you’ve just been great, your attitude to all of this is exactly what I needed,” David told her.

“That’s good to hear,” she said.

“You’re saving lives you know,” he said.

“I do know, I’ve had a few of my patients come to me from a very dark place, waiting far longer than you have for this, to the point where it’s done them harm both physically and mentally. I understand what I am undertaking here, that it is a lifesaving intervention for a lot of people, not everyone but a lot. I want to allow people to live the lives that are theirs, that they should be living,” she said.

“Their true selves,” David agreed.

“Exactly. And you tell your mother that one day. That this was life saving for you, that you wouldn’t take something like this lightly, that it was a need not a want,” she said.

“Yeah,” he said.

“You’re going to be ok, your life is yours now,” she said.

“Yes,” he said quietly.

It was his, exactly as it was supposed to be.

“Ok so any questions? You have another check up in a month,” she said.

“No,” he said, sitting up, “Oh wait er…”

“Not more awkward sex talk? I don’t know why you young people are so uncomfortable about it,” she said, clearly amused.

“Because it’s weird you’re like-”

“Think carefully before you finish that sentence David,” she warned.

“In your prime?” he said carefully.

“Funny,” she said.

“No but it wasn’t really about sex,” he insisted.

“No?”

“Daniel told me when I can do what exercises and stuff around the house but he didn’t mention some stuff and I didn’t want to ask, it felt weird but…”

“Let’s look at Daniel’s chart and work out when you can have sex,” she teased.

“You are worse than all my friends,” he muttered, “it’s not sex,” he said.

“Ok David ask away,” she said.

“I want to know when I can hug Matteo? My boyfriend?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, sounding surprised, “you probably already can if you’re careful,” she said.

“No I mean properly? Or like really squeeze him, he has like this touch thing and sometimes I need to hold him really tight,” he explained.

They could wait, it was hard but they could wait but he would like to know how much longer he would have to.

She nodded thoughtfully, then gestured to the buttons of his shirt. 

He nodded and she opened his shirt again and took another look at his chest, running her hands carefully over the scars and either side of them.

“I wasn’t showing off before you’re healing really well. These are good, a hug won’t open these up, but underneath is still healing, ” she said.

She pressed hard against his scars and David winced pulling back.

“Painful?” she asked.

“Not unbearable,” he said through gritted teeth.

“But painful? Really painful?”

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“That’s your body telling you stop, that pressure it’s too much, it’s residual bruising and your muscles healing, that kind of pain goes deep,” she said, buttoning his shirt again, “I can’t tell you how long that kind of healing will take, I can tell you it’s probably going to hurt for another few months.”

He nodded and shifted, the ghost of the pain was still there. She certainly knew how to make a point.

“The stronger you are, the less that will hurt. Let yourself heal,” she said.

“So I can’t?” he asked.

“You need it too huh?”

“Yeah,” he admitted, “but I can wait.”

It was a different need to Matteo’s but he wanted it back.

“Then build up to it, take it slow maybe don’t crush him against you but you can certainly hug him tight now, as long as you’re careful and listen to your body,” she said.

“It doesn’t matter anyway, if I tell him what you said he absolutely won't,” David said.

“Tell him regular hugs are fine and to take it easy. And that you know your body. David it’s yours, they’re your limits,” she said.

He smiled at her.

“Thank you for everything,” he said.

He shrugged on his jacket.

“So I’ll see you in April, you’ll get a text,” she said, clicking something on the screen.

“Awesome,” he said, heading to the door.

“Oh and David?”

“Yeah?”

“I’d say if you take it slow and you’re careful you can probably have sex with the boyfriend in two to three weeks. But I can get Daniel to email you if you like,” she said.

She was awful. He blushed bright red.

“No thank you I wasn’t even asking,” he insisted, grabbing the door.

He stopped and turned back, taking a deep breath.

“Like full on sex?” he asked, trying to play it cool.

Damn he sounded like Abdi and Carlos now.

“You can do anything you like, as long as you don’t bear weight on your arms, and don’t exert yourself,” she said calmly, professionally, “essentially you’d be best off on your back for now,” she teased, professionalism gone.

David just shook his head and walked out of the door. 

She was great. So bold.

But he had a party to get ready for. He really hoped Matteo had cleaned up all the cake stuff. They’d left it last night, Matteo too sleepy to panic about the mess. But he was calm this morning too. 

David was exhausted from the physio. He was going to go back to his apartment and take a nap. Let his boyfriend take care of him like he loved to do.

* * *

####  **mum**

_David (Friday, 15.01): Happy birthday_

_Mum (15.31): you remembered_

_David (15.38): yeah_

_Mum (15.41): Thank you David_

_Mum (15.45): You’re a good boy_

_Mum (15.46): I know I've been a terrible mother_

_Mum (15.47): But you have turned out so well despite all that_

_Mum (15.48): You’re so good_

_Mum (15.49): I’m so happy you’re mine_

_Mum (15.55): I’m so happy you’re my son_

_Mum (15.56): I’m so sorry it’s taken me this long_

_Mum (15.58): But I love you_

_Mum (15.59): I do_

_David (16.03): I know_

_David (16.05): I love you too_

_David (16.08): We’ll work it out_

_David (16.09): We’ll be ok_

_David (16.10): I need time but we’ll be ok_

_Mum (16.11): Thank you David_

* * *

There were far too many people in their tiny apartment. Literally everyone he knew. Laura was hanging out in the corner with Hans and Linn, every time David went over to say hi they sent him away, saying he wasn’t old enough to join in their conversation. He looked over again, Laura was leaning across Hans to whisper something to Linn. David made eye contact with Hans who winked at him. David just smiled back. That was an interesting development.

All the windows were thrown open and the door too because it was way too warm, thankfully their neighbours hadn’t come up to tell them to shut up yet. It was Friday night, and they weren’t even being that loud. The music was low, people were just chatting and having fun. 

Right now he was sitting with Peter and Chloe who were explaining their movie to Emil, Finn, Tay and Nik. Finn seemed to be struggling with the concept and was just nodding along, but Emil seemed captivated.

Tay was insisting they get a part in this movie and trying to convince Nik to volunteer to shoot it next year. Niklas wasn’t having any of it, but David assumed he would be convinced. As he expected nothing seemed different between them, apart from they were a little more relaxed, that careful hesitancy gone now.

“Nik I can play the main character,” Tay insisted, “and you can be my sidekick. It will be so much fun,” they said.

Niklas sighed heavily but he was obviously amused.

“Tay I’m a physics student, what makes you think I can play a part in a movie?” he demanded.

“But it will be fun, I love being dramatic,”

“I know,” Niklas said.

He’d suffered Tay’s dramatics the longest.

Tay just shoved him and then climbed into his lap, snugging against him and whispering in his ear. David rolled his eyes. But they were very cute.

“I don’t mean to cause any offence but this is our project and we do want people who’ll be good and comfortable acting,” Peter said, always the voice of reason.

Niklas nodded his head in agreement.

“There you go Tay honey, we can’t cost them their grade just because you want to have fun,” Niklas reasoned.

Honey was new, Tay met David’s eye for a second, blushing furiously. They loved it.

“No but I do want to be in it,” they argued, pouting.

“Then you can, but I don’t,” Niklas said.

“That’s fine Niklas, seriously,” Chloe said.

Tay stuck out their tongue but they weren’t being serious anyway.

“Ugh ok,” they joked.

“But it does sound fun, maybe I could help with other stuff, like scenery set up,” Niklas said.

“I would also like to be in the movie if I’m allowed,” Emil chipped in, “I don’t mind as what but it sounds really good and I’d like to be a part of it. I think it would help with my confidence too, I used to love acting as a kid,” he said.

“Brilliant,” David said.

They all looked at Finn.

“Absolutely not,” he muttered.

“Do you not believe in our project Finn?” Chloe asked sweetly.

“No I do,” Finn insisted, “but I can’t act, no way. It would be terrible but it sounds really good though,” he said.

“No worries Finn,” David said.

“Sorry did you say you were a physics student?” Finn asked.

“He’s doing a PhD,” Tay said proudly.

Niklas smiled at them fondly.

“I’m an undergrad,” Finn said.

Tay groaned as Niklas moved them aside to talk to Finn

“I remember my undergrad days,” he said, “struggling?”

“It’s so much harder than high school,” Finn said.

“First year?” Niklas asked.

“Yeah, I feel like I should just give up,” Finn said.

Emil wrapped an arm around Finn in sympathy. David patted his back.

“First year is weird but if you can stick it out do. It’s such a mishmash year as they try to get everybody to the same level. Some of you need to catch-up, some of you are ahead, all the schools teach to different levels so it’s a mess. Second year it’s better, you start choosing your modules, you’re learning to learn, it’s a lot more fun,” Niklas promised.

Tay looked so proud of him.

Things got very technical very quickly after that. David couldn’t even try to understand what they were talking about on a good day, let alone when he’d had two beers. Tay’s proud expression had slipped now and they looked a bit annoyed. David assumed they had to put up with this talk a lot. He just winked at them. That’s what having a boyfriend meant, they’d have to suck it up.

There was a loud cheer and Lucy was jumping up and down raising her fists. She knocked over a chair and grabbed her beer. David frowned wondering if it was about to kick off.

“I won!” she yelled.

David guessed that they’d been playing something, but he’d missed it. Markus sloped over to them and sat down.

“What happened?” David asked.

“She beat me! At arm wrestling!” he said, looking shell-shocked. 

He rubbed at his wrist and shook his head. Lucy marched over to them and sat down. 

“Alright weaklings!” she said.

She was clearly a bit tipsy as David had never known her to be bold like this, not around so many people.. He clinked his beer bottle against hers and grinned at her. Happy she was happy. It was nice to see her coming out of her shell

“Having fun?” he asked.

“Yeah it’s great, it’s a bit full though, why did you invite so many people?” she asked, looking around.

“I invited all my friends,” he said with a shrug.

He looked around the room, all his friends. That had doubled in the last ten weeks. And it was all down to him. He’d been brave, he’d made a choice, took a step, taken several in fact. And now here he was in his new apartment with all his new friends just having fun and living his life.

Everyone was having fun. Hans had obviously gotten fed up with Laura and Linn, he was dancing with Abdi and Carlos now. It looked like he was trying to teach Carlos something and they were swaying together, out of time with the music. Laura and Linn were still in their corner, chatting away ignoring everybody else. 

Sam was on the bed, standing and inspecting the wall, even though it wasn’t bright enough to see it properly. She had a bottle of wine in hand though. Kiki was hovering behind her trying to convince her to come back down. Hanna and Jonas were on the sofa with Sara, Jonas was on his guitar, showing Sara something. Hanna just watching him fondly.

He couldn’t see Matteo anywhere and he frowned. He thought Matteo would tell him if he needed to check out. 

He got up and looked around, still frowning. There wasn’t really anywhere to hide. He headed to the bathroom but found it empty and surprisingly still pretty clean.

Surely he wouldn’t have left? The only other room was the kitchen. He headed there and found Matteo and Leonie huddled in the corner stuffing their faces with crisps and giggling. 

“Here you are,” David said smirking at the state they were in.

“David!” Leonie yelled, throwing a handful of crisps at him.

David watched them fall to the floor, amused. It was Matteo that would be cleaning that up in the morning.

“Are you high?” David asked.

“She is and drunk,” Matteo said, wrapping an arm around her waist to stop her slipping to the floor.

She leant against him heavily, smiling at him. David like her like this, mellow. She was sweet, all her walls dropped.

“Cuz she’s so small,” David said, walking over and cuddling around her and Matteo.

“I wanted to shotgun but Matteo wouldn’t let me,” she said, trying to shove David away and tilting forward.

She would be on the floor if Matteo didn’t have hold of her.

“You wanted to shotgun with my boyfriend?” David demanded, raising an eyebrow at the way she was pressed so close against him.

"Gross! No I wanted to shotgun with my girlfriend, but he wouldn’t give me the joint,” she said, wriggling free of Matteo and smacking his arm.

“It was obviously for the best considering you’ve only had two puffs,” Matteo observed.

Leonie grinned at Matteo then turned back to David

“Did you know I’ve known Matteo since he was a tiny baby?” she asked.

“I did,” David said.

“Not since we were babies, more like four,” Matteo clarified.

“Our mum’s were friends, Matteo is practically my baby brother,” Leonie insisted.

Matteo had told him once that before Leonie and Jonas dated the three of them were all best friends. David knew it upset him that they’d drifted apart. But Leonie was obviously still very fond of him. She may speak harshly of him sometimes but she was also pretty protective too. 

“I’m older than you,” Matteo argued.

“But still,” she said, pinching his cheeks, still smiling at him and leaning against him to stop herself swaying.

He rolled his eyes but didn’t push her away.

“I have a girlfriend,” Leonie said dreamily.

“You do,” Matteo said.

“She’s so lovely,” Leonie said, “I wanna shotgun with her,” she whined.

Matteo looked down at the half joint in his hand, blew on it to keep it lit and handed it over to her.

She grinned and took it from him, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

“Thanks Matteo, see you boys later,” she said, drifting out of the room.

David had definitely never seen her so chill. He stepped in front of Matteo and smiled.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” Matteo said, “I’ve only had that one,” he added.

David shook his head.

“I’m not counting Matteo, you know your limits, you know what you can handle,” he insisted.

“It’s a lot,” Matteo mumbled.

David stepped forward so they lightly pressed together.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“When I broke up with you, I smoked nonstop, literally more than I’d ever smoked before,” he admitted, “it did nothing,” he added.

David sighed, he wasn’t happy about it but Matteo knew he had a problem, they could work on it.

“I don’t think it did nothing Matteo,” he said gently, “but it just didn’t do what you wanted it to do.”

“It never does,” Matteo said.

“Did your mum notice?” David asked, now that she was more aware of Matteo, taking care of him surely she wouldn’t have allowed it. 

“She didn’t realise at first, she let me lock myself in my room. Then she found out and threw it all away. Told me to pull myself together, that it wouldn’t help anything, especially my depression, not the way I was smoking,” Matteo said.

“She’s right,” David said.

She’d made him get out of the house too, made him go back to work and keep to a routine, it had all helped. It had allowed him time to deal, while keeping his head clear.

“But this was different, this was just fun,” Matteo said.

“Yeah I can tell, you were laughing, giggling. It’s different to when you’re trying to shut down. I’m so proud of you,” David said.

Matteo just smiled and kissed him.

“I thought you’d run off,” David said.

“Nah Leonie chased me in here, and then we found the crisps,” Matteo said, grabbing the bag and offering it to David

David took a handful, and moved to stand next to him. Leaning against the counter.

“You’re stealing all my friends,” David said.

“No?”

Matteo shuffled closer to him, even though they were already pressed together.

“Tay, Leonie, Sara,” David argued.

“Ok one, Sara was literally my girlfriend but we were friends before that,” Matteo said.

David laughed and Matteo hit him.

“And Leonie was my friend first dumbass,” Matteo argued.

“No?”

“Yes, we’ve been friends since I was four, we just said,” Matteo said.

“Yeah but then you fell out,” David reminded him.

“No her and Jonas fell out. We didn’t, we drifted apart because I chose Jonas but we’re still friends, we may as well be related at this point,” Matteo clarified.

“It’s good that your still friends, with both of them,” David said.

Matteo was really slumping against him now. David pulled him closer.

“How are you feeling?” Matteo asked.

“I asked Dr Straken about hugging this morning,” David said.

Matteo pulled away and stood in front of him, face lit up, so excited.

“She said no squeezing yet but if we’re careful, normal hugs are ok,” David said.

Matteo stood very still.

“And I won’t hurt you?”

“No Matteo,” he promised.

He held out his arms, still lower than usual. There was no pain, a slight twinge but nothing more. Matteo stepped forward and into his arms. David wrapped them around him and it was as if he could feel his entire body relaxing. He sighed with the relief of it.

Yeah they’d been sort of hugging the entire time, gently carefully, from the side. It wasn’t the same as this, his arms around Matteo, his head on his shoulder. As close as they could possibly be without it hurting.

“I’ve missed this,” Matteo said.

He’d been so afraid of hurting him.

“Me too,” David said.

“No you don't get it, this is the safest feeling for me. I told my therapist about it, how it made me feel. She said it boosts oxytocin and relieves stress, but she says for me it might be on a higher level. It’s more than the touch thing, more than the pressure and squeezing although that feels good too. But it’s you, everything, how you feel against me, your smell, how you surround me. I feel safe with you. I’ve adapted to it, gotten so used to it and like I instantly relax and calm down when you’re holding me, I feel so safe right now,” he said.

“Oh,” David said. 

He held Matteo against him, which caused him to relax and lean into David more. He took some of his weight, and it didn’t hurt. But he walked them back so that he could lean them against the counter.

“I love you,” Matteo whispered.

“I love you too,” David said.

They just stood there, just holding each other, no need to talk. Just safe and content in each other’s arms

“Let’s run away,” Matteo said after a while.

“Run away? From our own party?” David asked, as Matteo pulled back and took his hand. 

Matteo just grinned at him.

They snuck out past everyone, the only person who noticed was Jonas who just winked at him and turned back to Hanna. 

Sara had left them and was on the bed with Leonie. He watched her take the joint from Leonie’s hand and drop it in a beer bottle before turning her attention back to her girlfriend.

He looked round the room again at all his friends, all happy and having fun. There to see him and hang out with him. The idea that he was having a party still stunned him. But it was true. And now he was sneaking off from said party.

Matteo took him out of the apartment and led him up to the top floor. There was a door at the end of the corridor, with a sign on it saying entry forbidden. Matteo turned to him, finger on his lips and winked. Then he opened the door and led David up to the roof.

“Are we allowed up here?” David asked.

“When has that stopped us?” Matteo said, “I came up here the other day, when you went to go work on your project,” he said, leading David over to the edge.

“Yeah?”

He hadn't mentioned it.

“Yeah just felt restless,” Matteo said, shrugging.

But he was ok, they were both fine. It was ok to feel a little restless or on edge sometimes. You couldn’t feel good all the time, that was impossible.

He made to climb up on the wall around the roof but David grabbed him.

“Matteo,” he warned.

“Scared?” Matteo asked, obviously feeling cheeky.

He climbed up onto the wall and sat down, legs dangling over the edge. They were four storeys up. David climbed and explored buildings like this all the time. But this unsettled him.

“David?” Matteo said, patting the space beside him.

David shook his head.

“Come down please,” David said.

“I won’t fall,'' Matteo said, rolling his eyes but he climbed down anyway.

He sat down against the wall of the roof and reached up to guide David down to the floor. David gripped him tight, frowning at him. He didn’t like that at all.

“Ok?” he asked, “you’re not the only one who can climb you know,” he teased.

“I know I just… I can’t catch you right now,” David said.

Matteo just laughed fondly and rested his head on David’s shoulder.

“I just want you safe,” David insisted.

“Ok,” he said, “I get it.”

“No. I… I used to explore buildings, climb up things, take awful risks because I didn’t much care what happened if I fell. I would stand on the edge just to feel, you know?”

He would stand on roofs or bridges high up watching the world beneath him, not afraid. Filled with anger and rage at his situation. He was never going to jump but it felt good, standing on the very edge like that. Now the thought terrified him.

Matteo looked up at him. 

“I care now and it’s like I’ve lost my bravery, I’m not scared of heights but I’m scared of falling, I’m scared of you falling,” David said.

“Ok I won’t climb up,” Matteo said simply.

Because it was that easy to him. If it upset David then he wouldn’t do it.

David kissed his cheek.

“Thank you,” he whispered, “I know I’m being dumb but I’m not sure how I feel about you sneaking around on roofs,” he said.

“I like it up here, I like watching people wandering around below. I didn’t even climb up last time just leant over, I dunno feeling a bit bolder tonight,” Matteo said, entwining their fingers.

“From smoking?”

“Nah I was just showing off. I can be cool like you sometimes,” Matteo said.

David laughed and shoved him before pulling him back.

“You will never be as cool as me,” he said.

“I know that come on, stand up for a minute?” Matteo asked, helping him up again.

They leant over the edge of the roof, watching the city lights in the distance. People going about their Friday nights below them, oblivious to the fact they were being watched. They watched the trains, buses, and cars going by, the odd cyclist every now and then.

“Good view,” David said after a while.

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.

“You ever think about where you want to live in the future?” David asked him. 

The future had been on his mind constantly this week. Now that he knew he had one. No that wasn’t right. He’d always had a future and it was always going to be ok. He would get to where he wanted out of sheer stubbornness and determination. But now the future looked brighter than he could have ever imagined. For the first time in years he was excited by it. It wasn’t something to countdown to like graduation or his surgery. It wasn't something to get through like highschool. He wasn’t waiting to leave. He wasn’t waiting for anything. Now he could live in the moment and see what the future brought. But whatever it was it would be amazing.

“Not here?” Matteo asked confused.

He was thinking about the near future, David was way ahead of him there. He was thinking years down the line.

“No like when we’re older, with jobs and stuff,” David clarified.

“Oh… just with you,” Matteo said, he had simple needs.

David pressed a kiss to their joined hands. That was all he really needed too. But he had a wild imagination, just being with Matteo wasn’t enough of an idea. He needed to picture what they were doing, where they were living, where they were going. All the good stuff. But in all these visions they were together. There was simply no other way.

“Obviously but no I just mean, I love living here in the city but if you needed to move somewhere quieter that’d be ok too you know?" David suggested. 

He remembered when he first got settled here. He loved it, never wanted to live anywhere else. Then as he got older he began to feel trapped, needing to get away. As far away as he could, Detroit, New York, anywhere but Berlin. 

That need had faded somewhat, he'd still consider leaving one day, seeing more of the world but he was happy here too. 

"Oh. I’ve never lived anywhere else," Matteo said. 

"I know," David said. 

"I think… I think that would be too different too big a change. I like Berlin," he said, "do you still want to go to Detroit?" 

"Not necessarily Detroit but sometimes I feel I'd like to live somewhere else. Like the world is bigger than Berlin you know?" 

Matteo nodded thoughtfully. 

"Would you come with me?" David asked. 

It wasn't a given. Matteo was settled here, happy to live out the rest of his life a stone's throw from where he grew up. David had no such ties. 

"I don't know," Matteo said honestly. 

David waited. 

"Before our road trip I'd never been anywhere but here or Italy. But when you met me I was just about done, ready to run away. Just go and let them all forget me," he said. 

David moved closer, wrapping his arm around him, holding him tight. 

"But?" 

"That's the only time I've felt like that and it was for bad reasons. Now I'm settled," he said. 

"Oh," David said quietly. 

That was fine, he only wanted to be where Matteo was anyway. 

"But it's you. Not this city, not this apartment. It's you that's home so I'd follow you anywhere I think. It would be really scary but it would be fun too, it would be an adventure with you. I've never wanted that before, it's kind of exciting," Matteo said. 

David stared at him. It was going to be amazing. Whatever they did it would be amazing. Whether they lived in LA for a month or London for ten years, it would be amazing. 

"So you'd come?" he asked. 

"Yeah. Because you'd stay for me if I asked and we'd come back if I needed to," Matteo said. 

"I absolutely would Matteo and it's not forever just a little adventure then we'll come back," David promised, "see the world a while." 

Matteo just smiled at the idea.

"Here with you is the most home, you know what I mean?" he asked. 

"Always. We'll come back and I'll buy you a big house here," David promised. 

"I don’t need a big house David," Matteo said rolling his eyes. 

"I know I’d be happy with you anywhere, we could live here the rest of our lives and I’d be happy," David said. 

"Maybe somewhere with a bigger kitchen though," Matteo suggested. 

"Matteo you snob," David gasped. 

"And perhaps a bedroom separate from the living room," Matteo continued. 

"Is nothing I provide you good enough?" David teased. 

"It’s fine for now but sometimes…" 

"Sometimes you need a door to close?" David suggested. 

"Yeah," Matteo mumbled. 

"I know Matteo I get it, it’s why you come up here?" David asked. 

"Yeah." 

"You’re coping for now?" 

Matteo nodded. 

"Yes I don’t want to move or anything I love it here, I do," he insisted. 

"I know me too," David agreed. 

"I like that it’s just us, I love Laura and Hans and Linn. But I love it just us, I was so scared you would need a buffer but you don’t, it just works," Matteo said. 

David was so happy that he was starting to get it. That he was happy spending all his time with him. That they didn't need anyone else. 

"So we’re settled here for now, we'll travel the world a bit one day. But eventually we'll come back and we'll need a place with more space. That about right?" David asked. 

"Yeah," Matteo agreed. 

David pointed towards the lights. 

"One of the fancy apartments?" he suggested. 

"Nah something older," Matteo said. 

"Apartment or house?" 

"Big apartment," Matteo said. 

He was getting into it now, playing along with David's game. They would play out this dream again and again down the years as parts came true and other parts changed and evolved. 

"That’d be nice I think," Matteo said. 

"With a big kitchen?" 

"Yeah and maybe a big table so we could have people over for dinner?" 

"And a couple more bedrooms for the kids," David suggested. 

"Yeah," Matteo said quietly, "years in the future mind," he said. 

"Yeah I wanna keep you to myself for a while," David said. 

But he had been thinking about it. Since Matteo had said they'd be better than their parents. It had stuck with him. At first as a fuck you to them. But then it just became something he wanted.

He wanted to see Matteo like that. See himself like that They would be so good. In the very distant future of course. 

"I’m looking forward to the future," Matteo said. 

"God me too," David agreed. 

They were very much on the same page there. 

“I’m proud of you,” Matteo said.

“Me?”

“Yeah, you're so strong David you have no idea. Everything you’ve been through to get here, you’re so brave.”

“I-”

“People weaker than you would have given up by now. I would’ve, if back in high school I went through what you did, and had parents that just weren’t willing to help, willing to let me be who I was? I don’t think I would’ve been strong enough,” he said.

“I didn’t have any other choice Matteo, I oh-”

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“You’ve been reading statistics,” David said.

“A little bit yeah, back in the hospital, you beat the odds David,” Matteo said.

“I did didn’t I?”

He'd fucking made it. Whole and unbroken by everything life had thrown at him. 

“Did you ever imagine this? When you thought of the future?” Matteo asked.

“Not at all. I knew I would transition, I knew I would get surgery, and that I would feel good finally. I would feel comfortable in myself. But that was all. I never once imagined anyone else, let alone allowing this many people into my life. Even after we got together I never imagined making more friends, my own friends.”

And he was so glad for it. So happy he'd taken that chance. But none of it compared to the first chance he took The reward for that risk wasn't even on the same scale. It was everything he never could've even dreamed of. Nothing in his imagination could have come up with Matteo. 

Matteo nodded.

“But I never, not for one moment imagined you. Never dreamed for a second I’d get someone like you, the kindest, gentlest, most loving boy I’ve ever met, and that you love me? That was impossible to me,” David explained.

“I never thought I would get this,” Matteo said.

“Love?”

“No I… I knew eventually I would probably find someone and settle down and like things would be ok, I guess. And like it would probably be love, I don't know. But this, it’s so much more. No one has ever understood me like you do David. Ever. It’s like you’ve known me forever. From the very fucking start. You just knew. You knew I needed more time to think when we talked and you gave me that space. You knew when I just wanted to be quiet, like literally that night when you stayed over, after we ran away?”

“Yeah,” David said.

“Like when we woke up that morning-”

“Afternoon,” David corrected.

“No the first time in the morning,

“When you almost pissed the bed?” David asked.

“I’m going to push you off the fucking roof,” Matteo said.

“Ok sorry, when you got up to go to the bathroom and came back but you didn’t say anything you mean?”

“Yeah, but you just talked anyway, you weren’t uncomfortable or awkward when all I could do was stare at you. It’s like you just got it. You just talked until my brain woke up a bit and I could respond,” Matteo said.

“Yeah and then you fell back asleep,” David reminded him.

“Yeah but my point is that it came naturally to you, everything is just so natural, that doesn't mean we don’t have to work on it, but to me we’re meant to be together. To me its fate. I know you don’t believe in this stuff, soulmates and all that but to me you are,” Matteo said.

David stared at him, he knew his eyes were shining, he could feel the tears prickling. In the corners. He blinked and let them run down his face. But he was so unbelievably happy. He felt like he would burst.

“I do.”

“You do?”

“Just recently,” he said.

Because how could he not when his was right here? 

He couldn't even try to deny it. Hadn't for a while now. 

Matteo rolled his eyes.

“But it's not in the way you think, the traditional way of we meet our soulmates and bam we live happily ever after. Because that wasn't what happened at all was it? We went through a lot, Matteo we went through so much just to fucking get together. Just to get to the point where we met even. We could’ve given up, either of us. But we saw something in each other that made us want to try, something that made it worth the risk, we put in that effort, we showed each other sides of ourselves that we’d never shown anyone. We trusted in each other. It wasn’t blind faith either, it was slow to build and develop but it did. On solid foundations we built something everlasting. That's what soulmates mean to me,” David said.

Matteo just gripped his hand tight, completely overwhelmed. Shaking with it. David knew exactly how he felt.

“Jesus christ David, ditto I guess,” Matteo mumbled.

David just burst out laughing, because that was such a Matteo response and he loved him so much he couldn’t contain it. 

“But I honestly do believe you are the perfect person for me. Not perfect, but perfect for me. And I believe if we keep working on it, as we grow and change together, I really think we can have that,” he said.

“Happily ever after?”

“Yeah,” David said.

“Me too, that’s what I thought I’d never get. Happiness,” Matteo said.

“I’m so glad I can give you that,” David said.

“But it’s more than that. You make me happy, but you help me to make myself happy,” Matteo said.

“I am so happy Matteo. So happy,” David whispered, holding him close, leaning his head against Matteo’s and staring out over the city.

He was so happy. He was content. For the first time in a long time he felt truly comfortable in his skin. He knew that that might not last forever, that he could still have bad days. That he would still have bad days. It was impossible not to. But now they would always be outweighed by the good. There were so many good days to come that he wouldn't worry right now. He could just live.

Because right here and now up on the rooftop of his apartment building, holding hands with the boy he loved, everything was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I cannot believe this is over. It's done. I am devastated. I never wanted it to end. No more up next, no more chapters to come. I'm so sad. But it's not over not really, not for these two. Because they are forever.
> 
> [moodboard for this chapter can be found here!](https://youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com/post/612518365802758144/every-version-of-me-dead-and-buried-in-the-yard)

**Author's Note:**

> it's my first fic of the year! literally conceived form a random thought of i wonder how they’re doing, how film school is going, how matteo’s doing now he’s done with school, what laura’s up to, what the near future will bring for them? so i wrote a little thing about it. and that little thing became this. essentially just an exploration of david at film school, making friends and settling in and now that he's no longer planning to run away, how does he navigate all that?
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


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